Cancelled ROM
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I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months. -
Do you think you can provide for her financially after you are married?
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Don't pressure her so much. Give her some breather. Talk to her after you think she's ready.
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I have a stable income.
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somehow i just feel sorry for you
in this world there is one thing we can't do,
that is, we can't force a person to love us if he/she doesn't
i hope she will love you back the way you love her
but after so many years she is still not moved enough to commit
maybe it is best you wait for the one for you, who will love you... -
somehow...after reading your post i felt the need to call someone
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take care..
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Must have been a slash right thru ur heart.
What is actually holding her back?
Could it be that from the time u 2 decided to get married to the time she decided to call it of,something happened in the midst that made her change her mind about the marriage? -
Maybe this whole idea of getting married is too overwhelming for her at the moment. Give her these 6 months to think carefully about this relationship. Meanwhile, treat her like the way you do as before. Do not pressurize her into making a decision. You can also make use of the time to think of ways to assure her that you will be a good husband and father.
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There probably are some skeletons in the closet. There could be another man in her life she hasn't revealed to you before......
Whatever happened have already happened. Treat it as a bad dream and not brood over it. I know the tendency to rumage through the events to make sense of it but sometimes, things happen for no reason.......
So best way forward is to look forward to your new life without this girl. Plan to live your new life as successfully as you can AND do it! Go out to get to know as many people as you can and get busy living this new life. Once you do, you'll find that the past becomes a mere blur and pales in significance to the present........ Good luck!
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I think there might be reasons behind what she did.
I know how hard it is for you but in a way I believe you'd rather it happened now than later (to marry then end up in divorce). At least she's being sensible and honest about the way she feels.
Just give her sometime to sort out her "issues", all you can do is to encourage her and to be there for her just as a friend would do.
"When you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was."
Take care, my friend! -
To help you i need to understand a few things first.Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
1) Did you have sex with her?
2) if yes is she happy to go on with life with you without the ROM cert.
3) if no is she still a virgin?
4) Did her parents ever abuse her?
5) Are you willing to stay with her without getting married?
I know it mat sound strange but i need to check on her background first before i can answer you. -
perhaps earn more money to show that u wont take money from her?Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
not forgetting to accompany her?
oh ya, perhaps her Xs using it for wad purpose?
dun ever do they same 'purpose' as they did last time?
juz to show her that u wont do the same thing?
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To help you i need to understand a few things first.
1) Did you have sex with her? Yes I did
2) if yes is she happy to go on with life with you without the ROM cert? We were happy until the day she wanted to forgo the ROM...
4) Did her parents ever abuse her? No.. But when she is much younger her parents wanted to give her up to another family... but her grandma stoped them and looked after her.... however till date she is contact wih her parents whom she gives a small token of allowance to every month
5) Are you willing to stay with her without getting married? I hope to settle down with her -
It was her ex that does that... I do not take money from her...I spend my time with her when we are not working
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From your answer only proves one thing. She is scare of the ROM cert.Originally posted by oakley1976:To help you i need to understand a few things first.
1) Did you have sex with her? Yes I did
2) if yes is she happy to go on with life with you without the ROM cert? We were happy until the day she wanted to forgo the ROM...
4) Did her parents ever abuse her? No.. But when she is much younger her parents wanted to give her up to another family... but her grandma stoped them and looked after her.... however till date she is contact wih her parents whom she gives a small token of allowance to every month
5) Are you willing to stay with her without getting married? I hope to settle down with her
Since sex is not the problem then the rom is the main cos.
Solution, you got to ask yourself honestly,
Are you willing to take care of her without asking her to sign the ROM cert.
If the answer is yes then go back to chase her and tell her that.
If the answer is no then is better to break off with her, cos you cannot provide what she wants. -
Got a feeling she feels so guilty about "playing you out".
And of course, it would be really sad to get married because one is obliged.
Hope everything works out fine for both of you, married or not. -
Actually, it is true... ROM certificate is in the end just a piece of paperOriginally posted by zeny:From your answer only proves one thing. She is scare of the ROM cert.
Since sex is not the problem then the rom is the main cos.
Solution, you got to ask yourself honestly,
Are you willing to take care of her without asking her to sign the ROM cert.
If the answer is yes then go back to chase her and tell her that.
If the answer is no then is better to break off with her, cos you cannot provide what she wants. -
i feel so much for u. im sorry to hear tat.
dun noe wad to say, just hope tat u'll be able to move on well. -
u muz be feeling terrible.. pat pat*
i'm gg to point out something from ur post.
she said if she marries u, it will be more of obligation than love..
so my question is, does she love u? or is she with u bcos u are too good to her, but she dun really love u? -
bro..
Sometimes a girl is with a guy out of being used to the norm, vice versa. So when you proposed to her, it was like the jerking point of her to wake up and evaluate her position. I can even tell u that she might not really love love you. But more of like you coz of how you showed concern and attention to her. It does happen bro.
Anyway, you are 32. You can always seek other pastures easily. It's a fact that guys have the upper hand in marriages, they can marry much younger girls but it does not work vice versa. Sad, but true. So what I would recommend you to do is, be there for her. But dun be overwhelming and pushy. But start looking elsewhere. You have your priorities (find a good wife and start a family) etc, if she is not up to that, seriously, be honest with yourself and let her go.
A good analogy is stocks (i am a trader, so I think in terms of markets). You are like an investor. She is like a stock. Your love, time and effort for her is like your limited pool of funds. She was supposed to be a good stock but now she is put off by marriage and ask you to seek other pastures. So you should do as she says, start finding other 'stocks' to invest a little on standby. Whilst this girl takes her time to think through things, you just wait around n see if she is up to it. If she's not able to perform, you gotta 'pull out your funds from her and put it into another stock'.
You have your priorities, she is entitled to have hers too. If she can't meet yours forever, you can't stay around forever right? Cut your losses and move on. Remember the good times but really, be practical. Just like you gotta be financially stable to get married
Good luck -
piangz... can dun so practical... sometimes love is just unreasonable....Originally posted by MetalGear:bro..
Sometimes a girl is with a guy out of being used to the norm, vice versa. So when you proposed to her, it was like the jerking point of her to wake up and evaluate her position. I can even tell u that she might not really love love you. But more of like you coz of how you showed concern and attention to her. It does happen bro.
Anyway, you are 32. You can always seek other pastures easily. It's a fact that guys have the upper hand in marriages, they can marry much younger girls but it does not work vice versa. Sad, but true. So what I would recommend you to do is, be there for her. But dun be overwhelming and pushy. But start looking elsewhere. You have your priorities (find a good wife and start a family) etc, if she is not up to that, seriously, be honest with yourself and let her go.
A good analogy is stocks (i am a trader, so I think in terms of markets). You are like an investor. She is like a stock. Your love, time and effort for her is like your limited pool of funds. She was supposed to be a good stock but now she is put off by marriage and ask you to seek other pastures. So you should do as she says, start finding other 'stocks' to invest a little on standby. Whilst this girl takes her time to think through things, you just wait around n see if she is up to it. If she's not able to perform, you gotta 'pull out your funds from her and put it into another stock'.
You have your priorities, she is entitled to have hers too. If she can't meet yours forever, you can't stay around forever right? Cut your losses and move on. Remember the good times but really, be practical. Just like you gotta be financially stable to get married
Good luck
that's why it's from the heart and not the head...
trying to use your head to reason things out will not always work...
watever decision u make, just know that you might have to live with it for the rest of your life... so consider carefully... good luck... -
not good news... check if she got other guys wooing her anot... she quite daring to call it off... of all the time now then do it... if still wan her, go all the way n dun lose contact with her...
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x2... maybe something(a guy wooing her or even her gd fren giving her a killer question) made her realised tat she didnt love him at all...Originally posted by browniebaobao:u muz be feeling terrible.. pat pat*
i'm gg to point out something from ur post.
she said if she marries u, it will be more of obligation than love..
so my question is, does she love u? or is she with u bcos u are too good to her, but she dun really love u? -
Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
I feel for your situation, although I must say that you never did fully understand her psyche, despite leading the relationship for five years.
She began her love life like an immaculate sheet of drawing paper. After two intensive relationships, the artwork left by 'previous artists' is nothing but an entire page of gruesome black paint. Then you appeared in her life, determined to change the outlook of it and started painting different shades of red, blue, green and yellow.
But eventually you realised that the colours you introduced wasn't vibrant, but instead darkened under the initial ebony layering. No matter how you tried painting, it never produced the result you desired.
This is how you have led your relationship of 5 years: merely being a good boyfriend is like desperately trying to splash colours over black; the result will surely differ compared to a white background. Her unfathomable reaction to null the marriage is because you are unable to remove the black coating and thus allowing it to crystallize maliciously from within.
Because of that, your years of goodwill and love ricocheted off her heart, completely shielded, like an adamant plate-mail, capable of warding any love you dedicate to her.
But imho, that still could only be half the story.
She seemed to display a classic example of someone brandishing an unloving core belief being in a loving relationship. Her paranoia towards marriage is seen as an affliction in love, often manifest in people with unstable domestic environment or negative influence from divorce-induced parental marriage. They are psychologically conditioned to a fact that they are unloving and even if they are given something good for once, their mind are unable to accept that sort of possibility, thus subconsciously, they will script some kind of histrionic plot, acting as a self fulfilling prophesy to prove their point - shown from the fact that she is blatantly 'advising' you to find other woman.
*** You may not have to lose this relationship - you probably need to play your cards strategically.
A six month time off is a high risk affair in which I will not advocate. Even Venus square Moon in synastry only suggest short periodic time off; a lengthy version is more often than not a red herring and by the end of the 'agreement', she would probably upgrade this to a permanent contract and sayonara.
After all, I am betting on the fact that she is reconsidering the marital proposal, but not entirely the relationship. If you could sell the concept of 'getting-together-yet-simultaneously-having-all-the-freedom-and-time-to-think' and null the time off, I reckon it's more advantageous in that manoeuvre. Just take great care to avoid the marital pressure issue.
If you can't do it alone, get her best friend to your assistance (or anybody you know that could exert influence on her).
Once there, reach into her soul and try to remove the black taint. Much deep communication and understanding is needed. Believe me, it will be arduous, but if you can avoid triggering the land mines and succeed, things might just turn out well in the future.
Let love talk the walk and walk the talk.
Cheers