My story
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Knew this girl for almost 4 years already. Started as friends but as I got to know more about her, I found myself falling for me. 2 years ago got closer but when I asked her to be my gf she did not respond. Did not pressure her and even avoided her deliberately because I knew she was uncomfortable with me after that. Though I still liked her I only asked about her through her friends and sent her smses only on her birthday and new year, etc.
Through the last 18 months she was always on/off my mind when I was alone, like on the bus, before sleep. Told myself I would think about her until she got a bf that would take care of her well or I met another "special" one somehow. I had given up all hope of being with her.
Recently I went though the greatest tragedy of my life but to my greatest surprise(honestly) she showed the most concern to me among my friends through smses, calling and giving small thoughtful presents. I told her that she was very important to me and her concern had helped me through the tragedy. She did not seem to be uncomfortable in reaction and has in fact asked me on a overseas trip(with mutual friends of course) or to meet her.
To be honest, I don't know whether if pure sympathy was the cause of her concern. If all she felt for me was sympathy then I rather she just show it more subduedly.
I am not complaining but if she just gave false hope, then I would have to feel terrible and hopeless again when the time comes.
I have never told our mutual friends of my liking for her because I do not want her to be teased or to feel pressured when we are with mutual friends. Frankly I was comfortable with my feelings not being returned through the last 2 years even though I loved her in my heart, I told myself love had no conditions. Prepared to wait 10, 20, 30 years quietly until she gets a bf.
And no, I do not believe it is irrational or unhealthy of me to refuse to force myself to forget her. I still try to get to know other girls and expand my circle and when the times comes, I will be able to let go....
Edit: She said yes... -
think abt it.. mayb she only wanna b friends?
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I am aware that she might only want to be friends. As I said I had given up hope of being with her in a r/s until recently but just don't want to *force* myself to forget her. Just let time do the job....Originally posted by FBI:think abt it.. mayb she only wanna b friends? -
so mayb u might wanna change a target or something?Originally posted by crimson soldier:I am aware that she might only want to be friends. As I said I had given up hope of being with her in a r/s until recently but just don't want to *force* myself to forget her. Just let time do the job.... -
As I also mentioned last paragraph, I do seek to make female friends and expand my social circle.Originally posted by FBI:so mayb u might wanna change a target or something?
The main point of my post is that I really do hope sympathy or pity is not the reason of all her concern. I have no use for sympathy or pity. Empathy or quiet support would really have been better. -
why bother abt the reasons?
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go on a oversea trip with her
chat with her , let her noe how much u mean to her
and hope for the best -
Cos' she show more concern than all of the rest of my friends in my worst moments. A part of me just wants to let go but another says there is "hope".Originally posted by FBI:why bother abt the reasons?
Thanks for reading FBI
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heavy work commitment in that period, maybe it's fate..Originally posted by gunner77:go on a oversea trip with her
chat with her , let her noe how much u mean to her
and hope for the best
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its ok, u can always share ur care and concern with her when she is in overseaOriginally posted by crimson soldier:heavy work commitment in that period, maybe it's fate..
u can sms or phone her, asking her bout life and share views.. tell her to eat well, take care, tis make her tink tat u are caring for her -
oh.. can understand that..Originally posted by crimson soldier:Cos' she show more concern than all of the rest of my friends in my worst moments. A part of me just wants to let go but another says there is "hope".
Thanks for reading FBI
i think its best to remain as friends.. -
pls dun be a wussy.
go and tell her
help yourself relief the agony inside you.
even if it doesnt work out, at least u know u've done what you can. -
try hinting to her again?
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Originally posted by crimson soldier:
2 years ago got closer but when I asked her to be my gf she did not respond. Did not pressure her and even avoided her deliberately because I knew she was uncomfortable with me after that.Originally posted by crimson soldier:
I think you faded out from her life too easily 2 years ago.
Told myself I would think about her until she got a bf that would take care of her well or I met another "special" one somehow. I had given up all hope of being with her.
You should have stuck around for a while longer then ask her again (although her answer is probably a no).
The point is this,
You need a definite answer so that you can move on.
But subconsciously, you are avoiding a definite answer because you don't want to move on.
You can spend years expanding your social life and meeting new girls but the result will still be the same.
Every time she shows a little more care and concern for you, you will wonder about the possibilities.
You prefer dwelling in this uncertainty as it provides you a lifeline.
This is like a smoker trying to quit smoking.
His mind tells him the reasons why he should not smoke;
Harmful to himself, harmful to others, expensive, etc
So he uses the above list as a motivation and try to avoid cigarettes for a few weeks.
He starts exercising regularly.
But this smoker will still fail to quit eventually.
The reasons why he should not smoke is not the reason why he smokes in the first place.
In your case, your mind is telling you should not be hanging around and giving yourself false hopes any more.
So you kept yourself busy and met new people.
But you still prefer to dwell in the uncertainties:
"At least until she finds a boyfriend, everything is not lost yet."
You prefer to dwell in this uncertainty because you have not found the courage to face her answer..
The first thing you need to do to get yourself out from this misery is to gather your courage.
Meet her and seek her answer.
Tell her you have been trying to avoid her but you are still left hanging because you don't really understand what happened and why the two of you couldn't be together.
You will be much more focused in your path to recovery from then on.
Don't end up like a smoker who tries to quit without understanding the reason why he prefers to smoke in the first place. -
gd luck TS,
i wish u well.
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ord loh, dont think too much
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Originally posted by curiousOrange:
Thank you..
I think you faded out from her life too easily 2 years ago.
You should have stuck around for a while longer then ask her again (although her answer is probably a no).
[b]The point is this,
You need a definite answer so that you can move on.
But subconsciously, you are avoiding a definite answer because you don't want to move on.
You can spend years expanding your social life and meeting new girls but the result will still be the same.
Every time she shows a little more care and concern for you, you will wonder about the possibilities.
You prefer dwelling in this uncertainty as it provides you a lifeline.
This is like a smoker trying to quit smoking.
His mind tells him the reasons why he should not smoke;
Harmful to himself, harmful to others, expensive, etc
So he uses the above list as a motivation and try to avoid cigarettes for a few weeks.
He starts exercising regularly.
But this smoker will still fail to quit eventually.
The reasons why he should not smoke is not the reason why he smokes in the first place.
In your case, your mind is telling you should not be hanging around and giving yourself false hopes any more.
So you kept yourself busy and met new people.
But you still prefer to dwell in the uncertainties:
"At least until she finds a boyfriend, everything is not lost yet."
You prefer to dwell in this uncertainty because you have not found the courage to face her answer..
The first thing you need to do to get yourself out from this misery is to gather your courage.
Meet her and seek her answer.
Tell her you have been trying to avoid her but you are still left hanging because you don't really understand what happened and why the two of you couldn't be together.
You will be much more focused in your path to recovery from then on.
Don't end up like a smoker who tries to quit without understanding the reason why he prefers to smoke in the first place.[/b] -
Originally posted by crimson soldier:
Knew this girl for almost 4 years already. Started as friends but as I got to know more about her, I found myself falling for me. 2 years ago got closer but when I asked her to be my gf she did not respond. Did not pressure her and even avoided her deliberately because I knew she was uncomfortable with me after that. Though I still liked her I only asked about her through her friends and sent her smses only on her birthday and new year, etc.
Through the last 18 months she was always on/off my mind when I was alone, like on the bus, before sleep. Told myself I would think about her until she got a bf that would take care of her well or I met another "special" one somehow.[b] I had given up all hope of being with her.
Recently I went though the greatest tragedy of my life but to my greatest surprise(honestly) she showed the most concern to me among my friends through smses, calling and giving small thoughtful presents. I told her that she was very important to me and her concern had helped me through the tragedy. She did not seem to be uncomfortable in reaction and has in fact asked me on a overseas trip(with mutual friends of course) or to meet her.
To be honest, I don't know whether if pure sympathy was the cause of her concern. If all she felt for me was sympathy then I rather she just show it more subduedly.
I am not complaining but if she just gave false hope, then I would have to feel terrible and hopeless again when the time comes.
I have never told our mutual friends of my liking for her because I do not want her to be teased or to feel pressured when we are with mutual friends. Frankly I was comfortable with my feelings not being returned through the last 2 years even though I loved her in my heart, I told myself love had no conditions. Prepared to wait 10, 20, 30 years quietly until she gets a bf.
And no, I do not believe it is irrational or unhealthy of me to refuse to force myself to forget her. I still try to get to know other girls and expand my circle and when the times comes, I will be able to let go....[/b]
I would have post the same thing:Originally posted by curiousOrange:
But subconsciously, you are avoiding a definite answer because you don't want to move on. I refer to CloUdiSm old writing about the theory of Fantasy, where it explains that the annihilation of one's fantasy ironically, creates a pain much worst than a physical lost. In fact, the notion of waiting is often a gross misrepresentation of the quality of faithfulness. Somehow, this definition of faithfulness got twisted and some people demonstrate this very essence and apply on situation that doesn't apply to them.
A narcissistic fantasy is then born (Neptune influenced).
In simple, what I am trying to say is that the quality of faithfulness doesn't apply to you because you have absolutely no position or status as a boyfriend/husband - there isn't a need for you to shoulder any liability or see yourself having to share any form of responsibility to 'watch over her' and all that seemingly noble intention of you waiting for her finding a 'good man that could take care of her' and such is completely way out of your perimeter, as a causal friend.
Five words to sum up: who are you to her?
Once you understand the position I am trying to establish above, I will reveal to you the rationale of your decision.
There's a formidable link between the theory of fantasy and how it affects people attitude and behavioral patterns towards love and relationship. This Neptune affliction is especially susceptible for people who (1) never had a relationship before, (2) with heavy fixed aspects that often find themselves living/desiring the past.
Once we tasted how Love felt, we will never be able to remove this Trojan that lives within our memory forever because the inner workings of our emotions actually undergo a complex transformation.
Then here it goes: Because you are unable to remove this affection from sinking roots; between the journey from your current position to advert of your next coming girlfriend is an ebony shade of nothingness. Also more critically, because this love interest you perceived actually has no form, neither does it belongs to any entity of a relationship, a fantasy is created to fill up this void between your journey from where you are standing to the appearance of your next girlfriend.
Emotionally, one cannot live on void, thus one live on fantasy.
To be brutally frank in common tongue, your subconscious thoughts will probably read this way:
'Since I have not taken fancy on anyone and I have no girlfriend, I rather keep my one sided affection for her, then to lose this and have no direction.'
This is Love?
Hardly.
*** I hope you spare some effort to go through curiousOrange's post: the courage to seek an answer for a closure is probably more liberating than you could ever imagine. A non-calculated wait is really a convenient excuse employed by people who prefers to dwell in passiveness because they fear to face the blade of truth.
You may think that it doesn't matter to you because you are single, but I can tell you that unless you learn to lose sight of the shore, you will never discover new islands.
Are you thinking that once you have found another love, you could easily toggle your emotional switch like how you could do it for your lamplight?
My dear, we all are humans: you would probably pay for this foolishness at the price of your next relationship. If don't you learn it now, you will probably learn it later.
But like inflation - prices gets more expensive as time goes.
Cheers -
Thanks for your point of view. A bit harsh but you are right.Originally posted by Yunhaier: I refer to CloUdiSm old writing about the theory of Fantasy, where it explains that the annihilation of one's fantasy ironically, creates a pain much worst than a physical lost. In fact, the notion of waiting is often a gross misrepresentation of the quality of faithfulness. Somehow, this definition of faithfulness got twisted and some people demonstrate this very essence and apply on situation that doesn't apply to them.
A narcissistic fantasy is then born (Neptune influenced).
In simple, what I am trying to say is that the quality of faithfulness doesn't apply to you because you have absolutely no position or status as a boyfriend/husband - there isn't a need for you to shoulder any liability or see yourself having to share any form of responsibility to 'watch over her' and all that seemingly noble intention of you waiting for her finding a 'good man that could take care of her' and such is completely way out of your perimeter, as a causal friend.
Five words to sum up: who are you to her?
Once you understand the position I am trying to establish above, I will reveal to you the rationale of your decision.
There's a formidable link between the theory of fantasy and how it affects people attitude and behavioral patterns towards love and relationship. This Neptune affliction is especially susceptible for people who (1) never had a relationship before, (2) with heavy fixed aspects that often find themselves living/desiring the past.
Once we tasted how Love felt, we will never be able to remove this Trojan that lives within our memory forever because the inner workings of our emotions actually undergo a complex transformation.
Then here it goes: Because you are unable to remove this affection from sinking roots; between the journey from your current position to advert of your next coming girlfriend is an ebony shade of nothingness. Also more critically, because this love interest you perceived actually has no form, neither does it belongs to any entity of a relationship, a fantasy is created to fill up this void between your journey from where you are standing to the appearance of your next girlfriend.
Emotionally, one cannot live on void, thus one live on fantasy.
To be brutally frank in common tongue, your subconscious thoughts will probably read this way:
'Since I have not taken fancy on anyone and I have no girlfriend, I rather keep my one sided affection for her, then to lose this and have no direction.'
This is Love?
Hardly.
*** I hope you spare some effort to go through curiousOrange's post: the courage to seek an answer for a closure is probably more liberating than you could ever imagine. A non-calculated wait is really a convenient excuse employed by people who prefers to dwell in passiveness because they fear to face the blade of truth.
You may think that it doesn't matter to you because you are single, but I can tell you that unless you learn to lose sight of the shore, you will never discover new islands.
Are you thinking that once you have found another love, you could easily toggle your emotional switch like how you could do it for your lamplight?
My dear, we all are humans: you would probably pay for this foolishness at the price of your next relationship. If don't you learn it now, you will probably learn it later.
But like inflation - prices gets more expensive as time goes.
Cheers -
are you really sure it's ok for you to one day see her holding hands with another guy, kissing each other?
no need to answer here, think about it. -
Look, my dear. Forget about the reason for a care and concern.
Do you really want to waste half of your life waiting for her to get a boyfriend ?
Is it really worth it ?
You're getting to know other girls, but in your mind you're still thinking about THAT girl. Why don't you push her to the back of your mind, find another reasonable partner, while still looking out for her ?
Instead of pulling yourself in the negative direction, think to yourself about what you can do to let go of that girl just a little.
The answer is probably staring at you in the face, but your thoughts are just too complex to notice it. -
my 2 cents: cherish those who cherish you, if she doesnt reciprocate your love, then u are not fated to be together. life is too short to stand around waiting ^^
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ur time isn't here yet, u won't think back when another comes, trust me
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Originally posted by crimson soldier:
Hey Soldier,
Knew this girl for almost 4 years already. Started as friends but as I got to know more about her, I found myself falling for me. 2 years ago got closer but when I asked her to be my gf she did not respond. Did not pressure her and even avoided her deliberately because I knew she was uncomfortable with me after that. Though I still liked her I only asked about her through her friends and sent her smses only on her birthday and new year, etc.
Through the last 18 months she was always on/off my mind when I was alone, like on the bus, before sleep. Told myself I would think about her until she got a bf that would take care of her well or I met another "special" one somehow.[b] I had given up all hope of being with her.
Recently I went though the greatest tragedy of my life but to my greatest surprise(honestly) she showed the most concern to me among my friends through smses, calling and giving small thoughtful presents. I told her that she was very important to me and her concern had helped me through the tragedy. She did not seem to be uncomfortable in reaction and has in fact asked me on a overseas trip(with mutual friends of course) or to meet her.
To be honest, I don't know whether if pure sympathy was the cause of her concern. If all she felt for me was sympathy then I rather she just show it more subduedly.
I am not complaining but if she just gave false hope, then I would have to feel terrible and hopeless again when the time comes.
I have never told our mutual friends of my liking for her because I do not want her to be teased or to feel pressured when we are with mutual friends. Frankly I was comfortable with my feelings not being returned through the last 2 years even though I loved her in my heart, I told myself love had no conditions. Prepared to wait 10, 20, 30 years quietly until she gets a bf.
And no, I do not believe it is irrational or unhealthy of me to refuse to force myself to forget her. I still try to get to know other girls and expand my circle and when the times comes, I will be able to let go....[/b]
I think what you are doing is healthy. Remember to show your support for her and do hang out (no obligations) whenever possible. You do not have to bent over the back..just support her. Should treat her like your good friend.
However, do expand your social circle so that you can meet more people.
Last thing, I think there are some good character building here so do keep up the good work. Gals are more mature than men in certain aspect so be mature and fun and interesting...
All the best. -
[quote]Originally posted by crimson soldier:
Recently I went though the greatest tragedy of my life but to my greatest surprise(honestly) she showed the most concern to me among my friends through smses, calling and giving small thoughtful presents. I told her that she was very important to me and her concern had helped me through the tragedy. She did not seem to be uncomfortable in reaction and has in fact asked me on a overseas trip(with mutual friends of course) or to meet her.
To be honest, I don't know whether if pure sympathy was the cause of her concern. If all she felt for me was sympathy then I rather she just show it more subduedly.
I am not complaining but if she just gave false hope, then I would have to feel [b]terrible and hopeless again when the time comes.
Dear Crimson Soldier,
Women's need to nurture is part of her nature.
When a woman see a wounded man, she sees a little wounded bird.
Instinctively, she will want to bring it home, care for it, and heal it's wounded wings, before telling the bird " Fly little bird, you are well enough now."
That is when a woman feel gratified when the bird flaps it wings and fly towards the endless sky.
If you ask her, " why wouldn't you keep it in a cage for a pet ?"
Her reply will be, " That was never my intention in the first place."