charming as a friend,a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
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self-pity ... i dun self-pity.
question is you all think we are bickering and quarrelling everyday.
The problem is we dun quarrel and bicker . Nobody knows the problem .
Instead in the eyes of everybody , we are so loving .
I post this Thread.. becos I am thinking of a divorce and I hate myself for being indecisive.
If he has violent tendency ... I dun think I need to post this thread.
This marriage will be gone , I will file the divorce immediately.
The only kind of man I hate and dun like is those who beat their wives and children.
whether if he is the idiot man.. I will ask him if I want to divorce , can I take everything later if I see him tonite.
and I wont want to remarry. never !
too troublesome .
-
Never say never
. It will come back to haunt you.And unker FP, don't be so harshlah, cut her some slack
even though the truth hurts. -
Originally posted by delores:
self-pity ... i dun self-pity.
question is you all think we are bickering and quarrelling everyday.
The problem is we dun quarrel and bicker . Nobody knows the problem .
Instead in the eyes of everybody , we are so loving .
I post this Thread.. becos I am thinking of a divorce and I hate myself for being indecisive.
If he has violent tendency ... I dun think I need to post this thread.
This marriage will be gone , I will file the divorce immediately.
The only kind of man I hate and dun like is those who beat their wives and children.
whether if he is the idiot man.. I will ask him if I want to divorce , can I take everything later if I see him tonite.
and I wont want to remarry. never !
too troublesome .
Indecisiveness doesn't get you anywhere..Just do it.
-
we like so evil trying to break you guys up ..
sigh. Blame us for being females, always at lost. -
Originally posted by LoveExtasy:
we like so evil trying to break you guys up ..
sigh. Blame us for being females, always at lost.
no lah ....not evil ...
being females .always at lost >>??????
mean >?
-
Originally posted by BeautifulBetty:
Never say never
. It will come back to haunt you.And unker FP, don't be so harshlah, cut her some slack
even though the truth hurts.
never .. is becos ...it is so tiring leh .Okie lah ... if like zohan ... then can consider.......
then buy 1+2 .... more problematic
truth really hurts .
it slaps you every now and then
Just do it ... like nike rite.
-
Originally posted by delores:
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
u're not a loser but rather a winner..having tolerated him for 10yrs..
which is a wife candidate that every guy dreams of and for that you should be proud of yourself for making it this far in a marriage despite a unfiathful husband..
if you can't stand him..just file for divorce since u have the every right for him to do so..
make sure u prepare ur kids for the divorce and have them grow up in a happy family at least with ur relatives and family members..
i'm sure that your parents will support u if u tell them the truth..
there's a saying "a leopard will never change it's spots''
so if u are sick of his life..file for divorce..else it will be mentally stress for u to keep up the healthy image of a good family shouldering the bunden by yourself and keeping it away from your kids..
-
TS,
I think you are power to have endured 10 years of this. No woman will tolerate their guy cheating on them, much less for such a long time.
I'm sorry to say that your guy may not change in the immediate future. It is very difficult for guys to change after a marriage, and even if he does, it takes some time for it to happen. But 10 years and still the same?
Is your HB the type that can separate love and sex?
Does he yearn for more sex, while his heart is still with the family?
Does he advocate divorce often?
Is the constant yearning for flings a mental sickness?
Either way, if 1 party refuses counselling, it makes things worse because the other party is in the illusion of everything being fine.
As for the freedom part, he has shown that he abuses his freedom, so what is he complaining about? Freedom and trust needs to be earned and built, but I tin your HB has managed to successfully destroy it completely.
For the sake of your children, I hope you put up with it 1st and distract yourself with happier things. When the kids are old enough and independent, it is still not to late to call it quits.
-
Hi delores,
I'm extremely sorry to hear about your situation... there are already some very good advice, amid the usual initial naive, past-looking and blaming ones, already dished out by some people in this forum.
Yunhaier brought up a good point about looking within yourself to see what you really need most. All major religions help us to do that. I think a good long term solution for you is to continually strive to search for good meaning in life and to seek inner peace and happiness, independent of the current predicament (Hey, even high-power executives need to do that).
Now for your current situation:
To sum up your husband: He lacks any sort of family responsibility, including that of a father, and barring a miracle, he isn't probably going to change, until he no longer has the option to, by the time which you probably won't care about it anyway.
Someone previously mentioned counselling.. well, that is one potential solution, but he must play his part. If he doesn't see it as a problem "if it aint broke, don't fix it", then counselling is going to be useless.
The majority of his self-worth may come from conquering all sorts of women (Edison Chen style), it may even be a sex addiction, and if he has no other source of intrinsic self-worth, it's impossible to try to change him.
Not all male homo sapiens are like this, fortunately.
I beg to differ on the stand from some of the well-meaning forumers here on staying in the marriage for the sake of the children.
In my humble opinion, children benefit most from having happy and loving parents. They model after their parents in many ways. If their parent is negative, their outlook in life would be negative. Having said that, given the option of
1) irresponsible father and perpetually sad mother
2a) happy mother (assuming you get custody of the children)
2b) happy mother and responsible step-father
I think that while it may not seem obvious, 2 would be a better longterm solution. Who's proud of a philandering father anyway? Worse still, your children may think it's acceptable behaviour from a man to do that ("My dad sleeps around and my mum tolerates it, so that's okay")
Of course, there's always the financial aspect of providing for the children, and you might feel you're taking away a materially comfortable life from them (holidays and all that), but if you believe in yourself, you can conquer all obstacles ahead of you.
When the children grow up, they may either be grateful to you for being so sacrificial, or resent you for not having the courage of changing their lives when you can. It's a tough call..
Divorce is seen by some as the end result, that is a failure to a marriage, but it is also seen by others as the first step to success in life and possible re-marriages. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness. Some need 1 shot, others need 2 or more.
May you have the strength to do what you feel you need to do.
Just one mention about those other women: What can you expect to come out of their mouths, while they know they are being condemned as "the other party"? They pretend not to care, because it is easier to be aloof than to be sensitive to judgement , and the easiest way to be aloof is to be fierce.
Last of all, you sound like a good woman, and good potential wife material to many guys out there. It's just unfortunate that you are in a situation that can be described as "a stalk of flower stuck in a pile of cow dung"
Take care!
-
speaking from a christian context, you certainly are validated for divorce on grounds of infidelity.
if your husband will not change his ways or see his irresponsible way of living life, divorce him, for the sake of your child.
your child will be happier being raised by a single mum rather than have a dad who goes out at night and fool around.
my cell group had a single mum, brought in by my friend, now they are happily married and having their 2nd child. he loves the first kid as his own, and the kid, when she first came in, was so lost, so scared, so lonely, now become so joyful and growing up into a fine child.
-
Originally posted by delores:
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
Really not a gd husband. HE SAID HE WAS TRAPPED IN THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF THE BABY!!!!!
What a jerk. Does he treat the baby like his child? The child was born from the love of u two. Does he regconise that? He should say he's trapped in the marriage.
I find no point sticking to this kinda husband. What if someday he goes overboard, list gets longer and longer that he don't even know if u're Lucy,Mary or Jane (lolx old names).
Maybe like what some of us suggested, suck a portion of his money away to cope with the life after ur divorce. Seriously, he isn't giving his attention to the family... he's not only a husband but a father too. What will your children think about him if they someday, see him on the streets with another woman?We can't control womans to stay away from the person we love but we have a choice to stay with him anot. If he's rather be with someone else rather than u, rather than loving the children, accompany him, teach him things and give his fatherly love... then I think. It's time to let go.
Maybe can give him a last warning or sth... tell him what's wrong with him, tell him he is wrong to have flings when he's already married, tell him it's not acceptable to say he's trapped in the marriage because of the baby. What kinda reason is tt?...
=S.
-
Originally posted by delores:
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
delores, having read all those thoughts that you have written and expressed in here, I feel that I must tell you that you are really a loser if those are really your honest confession.
If you love your children, you wouldn't be feeling like this. Do you even love your children? Were they ever a liability to you?
You're already a married women, and you should start thinking and behaving like one. The reason why you are feeling this way is because deep inside yourself, you don't really agree to this marriage. You wasn't prepared for all this, mentality-wise and responsibility-wise.
Do you know the reason why Mothers are so greatly revered and honoured upon?
IT's because the moment they made up their mind to be a Mother, they understands the reason for self-sacrifice for the sake of their children and accept the life-time responsiblity of serving their children.
IF your husband stays at home and stop fucking around with other females, would that solve your problem? How would that has anything to do with what is really causing you the intolerable grief you are feeling right now?
If you are unable to be honest with yourself anonymously in this forum, then certainly nobody is able to help you.
Remember this.....We can only help you only when you have allowed us to do so.
-
Originally posted by parn:
delores, having read all those thoughts that you have written and expressed in here, I feel that I must tell you that you are really a loser if those are really your honest confession.
If you love your children, you wouldn't be feeling like this. Do you even love your children? Were they ever a liability to you?
You're already a married women, and you should start thinking and behaving like one. The reason why you are feeling this way is because deep inside yourself, you don't really agree to this marriage. You wasn't prepared for all this, mentality-wise and responsibility-wise.
Do you know the reason why Mothers are so greatly revered and honoured upon?
IT's because the moment they made up their mind to be a Mother, they understands the reason for self-sacrifice for the sake of their children and accept the life-time responsiblity of serving their children.
IF your husband stays at home and stop fucking around with other females, would that solve your problem? How would that has anything to do with what is really causing you the intolerable grief you are feeling right now?
If you are unable to be honest with yourself anonymously in this forum, then certainly nobody is able to help you.
Remember this.....We can only help you only when you have allowed us to do so.
I don't think she even love her ownself let alone her children. Where got woman self abuse herself one unless she is a masochist. Staying in a marriage for ten bloody long years and all the while knowing the hubby is flirting outside.Oh, wait, she knew all along even before the marriage that the hubby was a flower man and yet she went into the marriage. Well, that just tells you one thing. She is also after his money. So, if one is willing to buy and one is willing to sell, a deal is seal. Money and looks was the key motivation for her to marry the guy. So, she don't actually love him for him but his money and looks. But now after ten years and it starts to eats into her and she is getting tired, cry foul and want out. Why? Because she is getting older no more the young xiao mei mei. Her outlook has change. She decided love is just as important and want it now and since she has cream enough from the hubby and certainly going to cream some more waiting for a big settlement from the divorce procedure. If she get out of this marriage she might still likely to land herself again in a marriage of love now since she is still consider young. Twenty-eight nia. Otherwise she will spend the rest of her life rich but no love.
Wah, very clever tactic here. I like it too.
-
Firstly protect yourself , dun get AIDS!!!
IT IS VERY TERRIBLE TO HAVE AIDS!!!! IT IS UNCURABLE!
You want him to change but it is hard for your husband not to meet new girls! As the street have a lot!!! And you say that your husband is charming!
Why not , try to know more guys or friends! It is up to you whether u want to keep on the marriage or you want to tell him what is pissing you off?
It is really a difficult problem! You have my support with the choice you make! =D
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Originally posted by BeautifulBetty:
I don't think she even love her ownself let alone her children. Where got woman self abuse herself one unless she is a masochist. Staying in a marriage for ten bloody long years and all the while knowing the hubby is flirting outside.Oh, wait, she knew all along even before the marriage that the hubby was a flower man and yet she went into the marriage. Well, that just tells you one thing. She is also after his money. So, if one is willing to buy and one is willing to sell, a deal is seal. Money and looks was the key motivation for her to marry the guy. So, she don't actually love him for him but his money and looks. But now after ten years and it starts to eats into her and she is getting tired, cry foul and want out. Why? Because she is getting older no more the young xiao mei mei. Her outlook has change. She decided love is just as important and want it now and since she has cream enough from the hubby and certainly going to cream some more waiting for a big settlement from the divorce procedure. If she get out of this marriage she might still likely to land herself again in a marriage of love now since she is still consider young. Twenty-eight nia. Otherwise she will spend the rest of her life rich but no love.
Wah, very clever tactic here. I like it too.
maybe it's that way. only one way to find out. does she want her kids after divorce?
-
Originally posted by Sakuraflower:
Firstly protect yourself , dun get AIDS!!!
IT IS VERY TERRIBLE TO HAVE AIDS!!!! IT IS UNCURABLE!
You want him to change but it is hard for your husband not to meet new girls! As the street have a lot!!! And you say that your husband is charming!
Why not , try to know more guys or friends! It is up to you whether u want to keep on the marriage or you want to tell him what is pissing you off?
It is really a difficult problem! You have my support with the choice you make! =D
How to protect, she is his wife, wha! husband and wife sex also must protect one meh??? that will make husband brother very angry lor. -
HAHA. After all this, you think delores with wanna have sex with that guy.
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Originally posted by LoveExtasy:
HAHA. After all this, you think delores with wanna have sex with that guy.
Depend on how horny is she, for me, i can tarhan. -
haha girls usually can tahan de what. Guys erect= G_G
-
aiyo~ stay on with him & have your own flings nor~~
since he is from well-to-do family, then fully utilized his wealth~ shopping sprees etc.
n when he is poor~ dump him!
he deserves it anyway~
wat kind of man is that? zzz
i do admire your persistency though..can tahan for so long!!!
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Originally posted by xiiaostarry:
aiyo~ stay on with him & have your own flings nor~~
since he is from well-to-do family, then fully utilized his wealth~ shopping sprees etc.
n when he is poor~ dump him!
he deserves it anyway~
wat kind of man is that? zzz
i do admire your persistency though..can tahan for so long!!!
Wow! thump up!!!! an image of me.
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great minds think alike! =D
*high 5* lols
Originally posted by angel7030:Wow! thump up!!!! an image of me.
-
Originally posted by xiiaostarry:
high 10 liao!!!! hug hug jump jump yeah!!! hahaha! -
my wife thinks that having sex with other woman will make me glow with sex...sexual glow...
-
First of all, I appauld your decision and courage to keep your child when you weren't married yet. However, I believe that you'd hoped the marriage will change him into a better man. Sad to say, it seldom worked this way. Suggesting an open relationship would have already told you that he wasn't prepared for the responsibility as a husband, let alone that of a parent.
Look inside yourself, and you'll know why you're hesitating to leave him.
Is it that you still love him?
Is it the fear of losing the materialistic comfort you're enjoying?
Is it the fear of finiancial difficulties and insecurity of raising the children on your own?
Simply, if you do not love him anymore, it's time to leave him before its too late. Nearing 30 myself, I do understand the problems and uncertainty that the future holds.
If you feel that the relationship can change for the better, do something about it! Try to communicate with him more, but do not suggest immediatedly that the current relationship needs to change. This often adds pressure and stress unnecessarily. Instead, go out with your friends, dress well, put on makeup, go on a healthy diet and appear attractive to him will make him proud. It is important to rekindle the fire that once brought you two together. Doing so will also increases your self-esteem and makes you a better person. Make an effort to go on romantic dates and social activities with him, but do not be desperate! Like most girls, guys do not like a desperate woman as well. Gradually, he'll find you more attractive and his attitude towards you will change. That is when you can really talk to him about the relationship and his commitment to his family.