Problems with Parents
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Originally posted by rainee:
So that I would be able to come and work here in peace?
Then nothing much you could do, didn't you try to lie about your salary?
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Originally posted by rainee:
To get me to give in to them?
But its not tht u dont want to give in mah, its u cant.I think ur parents are being unreasonable.
Very unreasonable.
40% still want this and want tht, then dont understand at all.
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Originally posted by crimsontactics:
Then nothing much you could do, didn't you try to lie about your salary?
They only let me take up this job when they know I am able to give them the amount they asking for, if I am unable to they won't even let me come to work here in the first place...so the salary that I am getting is not important...
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Originally posted by rainee:
They only let me take up this job when they know I am able to give them the amount they asking for, if I am unable to they won't even let me come to work here in the first place...so the salary that I am getting is not important...
I see. Your parents are sure a pain in the ass. No offense though.
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Originally posted by seotiblizzard:
But its not tht u dont want to give in mah, its u cant.I think ur parents are being unreasonable.
Very unreasonable.
40% still want this and want tht, then dont understand at all.
Yea, from their point of view (which i think is similar to what parn's thinking), as long as I am their daughter, I must give in to all their requests to truly be considered a good daughter.
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Hi rainee, you've stated that they'd like to know more about your situation in Singapore, and have 'face'.
Not sure if this was already posted, but I think the best solution would be to get them to move over to Singapore, sell the properties in Malaysia, and buy a bigger house for your whole family. Now they've a lot of face, and can go around boasting that their precious daughter bought them a new house in Singapore...blah blah.
After they move over, they'll see that life isn't easy in Singapore, and it certainly isn't some gold miner's dream. Hopefully, they'd understand and 'help out' in your banquet preparation. After all, they'd want to invite their friends/relatives from Malaysia to Singapore to attend the wedding banquet...more 'face'. Moreover, you can save spending on two separate banquets.
Of course, all parties must be agreeable...seek your hubby's opinion asap before you decide.
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Originally posted by asharae:
Hi rainee, you've stated that they'd like to know more about your situation in Singapore, and have 'face'.
Not sure if this was already posted, but I think the best solution would be to get them to move over to Singapore, sell the properties in Malaysia, and buy a bigger house for your whole family. Now they've a lot of face, and can go around boasting that their precious daughter bought them a new house in Singapore...blah blah.
After they move over, they'll see that life isn't easy in Singapore, and it certainly isn't some gold miner's dream. Hopefully, they'd understand and 'help out' in your banquet preparation. After all, they'd want to invite their friends/relatives from Malaysia to Singapore to attend the wedding banquet...more 'face'. Moreover, you can save spending on two separate banquets.
Of course, all parties must be agreeable...seek your hubby's opinion asap before you decide.
No no, I dun wan to live with them...my husband and I already agreed to not live with both sides' parents...otherwise will create lots of problems in the future...
And I dun think I can afford to buy a much bigger house in Singapore when I can't even buy a house for the two of us...their properties in Malaysia ain't worth that much...
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I see, had guessed so.
It's nice of you to share the financial burden with your hubby...but try not to worry and get too emotional. It seems like communicating with your parents doesn't work too well, but let them know clearly that paying you a visit at your office will cause you to lose your job and not be able to support them.They're demanding, but I believe they do love you and not wish to drive you up against a wall. It shocks me however, to see how they try to control your life even after you're married. If they insist you stay in Malaysia to work, I would doubt you'll get better salary (unless you're running family business of course).
Just for comparison's sake, my company only pays mid-line managers in JB/KL about RM $3,000RM /mnth, whereas Singaporean line managers gets about ~ S$3.5K - S$4.5K /mth. Based on the current conversion rate of 2.4:1, Singaporeans are paid about 3 times more. So in order to sustain the same amount of contribution to your parents, you'll need to find a job in Malaysia that pays you 3 times more than the average line-managers.
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Originally posted by asharae:
I see, had guessed so.
It's nice of you to share the financial burden with your hubby...but try not to worry and get too emotional. It seems like communicating with your parents doesn't work too well, but let them know clearly that paying you a visit at your office will cause you to lose your job and not be able to support them.They're demanding, but I believe they do love you and not wish to drive you up against a wall. It shocks me however, to see how they try to control your life even after you're married. If they insist you stay in Malaysia to work, I would doubt you'll get better salary (unless you're running family business of course).
Just for comparison's sake, my company only pays mid-line managers in JB/KL about RM $3,000RM /mnth, whereas Singaporean line managers gets about ~ S$3.5K - S$4.5K /mth. Based on the current conversion rate of 2.4:1, Singaporeans are paid about 3 times more. So in order to sustain the same amount of contribution to your parents, you'll need to find a job in Malaysia that pays you 3 times more than the average line-managers.
My parents, when they are angry, they will act recklessly and not consider the consequences. Only when I lose the job they will realise it and they will try to escape the blame by blaming me instead for losing the job...
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
Yeah it's 15tables minimum, if the couple wants to 'walk down the aisle' . This is what most traditional families want to see haiz
Originally posted by jojobeach:Sorry hor.. minimum is 15 tables in most restaurants.
If you want 5-6 tables.. you can just go book the tables in restaurants and order the food and pay according to your food order.
Wedding arrangements are different from occasion gathering hor.
with 6 -7 tables all "star rated hotel wedding arrangements"
you can have it within my recomanded place
dry ice walk in
rose platter from walk way
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Originally posted by zaxis:
with 6 -7 tables all "star rated hotel wedding arrangements"
you can have it within my recomanded place
dry ice walk in
rose platter from walk way
LOL.. you know the void decks ?
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Just want to add, yes it is possible, parents do not always want the best for their kids/kind to them. It took me two years after i got married to be able to afford my own house. I didn't really hold any banquet, just that my hubby and I were only 24-25 when we got married. thereason? so we can stay together without my mum losing face. At that time, i'd worked for a yr plus and he 9 months only. then staying with my parents, my mum made me give $700 every month. she would threaten to throw out my things everytime we have arguments. and she loves to say bad things abt my hubby that are not true. she never thought, oh, i want my kids to be able to afford a house so I ask for less money. that's why it took us so long to be able to afford a flat too.
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Originally posted by parn:
Marriage marks the bonding between two people and their FAMILIES.It is not always necessary for the bride and groom to foot the bills for the wedding reception and it should be as affordable as it can be for both families of the bride and groom.
If either families preferred a granduer wedding reception, then both families should work together with the bride and groom to decide the best possible wedding reception affordable.
It seems clearly that both families weren't communicating and this could be one of the problems that many forumers here has failed to factor that missing piece of information into rainee's situation. People just plainly read what others type nowadays without much processing and understanding isn't it?
If rainee sincerely seeks help from forumers in here, she should be more honest and be transparent about her feelings and her current situation. Withholding information on purpose and especially those informations that may place her in a disadvantageous position in her stance at sgforums may indicated that she might already have a clue that she was in the wrong. Even so, the advices that she received may not be relevant to her current situation as a single piece of additional withheld information could change the composition of the situation entirely. I'm not surprised if she realised that she's not getting the real help that she seeks in here because of that.
I would've expected a moderator to give better and neutral advice to rainee. Just because people here knows her more than her parents, doesn't means they should be taking sides with her and support her even though what she was doing or thinking is wrong and without morals.
If the TS wasn't rainee and it was some nobody that nobody knew about, then people wouldn't have felt obliged to take sides and would've change their stance to neutral and advised more sensibly. So as a moderator, don't take sides and do give sensible advices to other forumers who needed help.
Advising children to go against their parents is definitely a BAD advice to suggest. If you are a parent and people suggested to your child/children to go against you, what would you feel? Would you have agreed with those advices too?
Children don't and will never have that luxury of choosing their parents in their life, that is the law of nature and it is there for us to respect and obey.
Whoever agrees with advices that encourages children to go against their own parents will one day find themselves in the parents position. So be warned of what you have advised others as it will come back to claim you.
Don't be a moderator if you are unable to resist the temptations of joining the wrong crowd to give morally incorrect encouragements to forumers in need of help.
what a long story? Have you even been married? -
Originally posted by jojobeach:
LOL.. you know the void decks ?
i did know your void deck Air Conditional, -
Originally posted by rainee:
Yea I understand what you are trying to say...
Actually we are quite confident we can hold the banquet by 2010...just that my parents unable to wait until then...they want me to hold it as soon as possible, hopefully by early next year...then move in to my own house straight after that...
i foresee more problems if they stay with you. -
Originally posted by foxwalk:
Just want to add, yes it is possible, parents do not always want the best for their kids/kind to them.
It took me two years after i got married to be able to afford my own house. I didn’t really hold any banquet, just that my hubby and I were only 24-25 when we got married. thereason? so we can stay together without my mum losing face. At that time, i’d worked for a yr plus and he 9 months only.
then staying with my parents, my mum made me give $700 every month. she would threaten to throw out my things everytime we have arguments. and she loves to say bad things abt my hubby that are not true. she never thought, oh, i want my kids to be able to afford a house so I ask for less money. that’s why it took us so long to be able to afford a flat too.
So what's the outcome, if you dun mind me asking? Did you manage to shut her up after a while? If yes, what method did you use?
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Originally posted by foxwalk:
i foresee more problems if they stay with you.Yes, that's the reason why I am very adamant about not letting them stay...but to be fair I can't stay with my in-laws too...
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It probably culturally constructed for parents to love their children, as well as for children to be filial. But in reality, it can creates a cognitive dissonance, especially if reality seemed to suggest otherwise.Abuse comes in many form and the act of abuse often sow the seed to reproduce a latent effect in the future. In Rainee's case, the absence of kinship created a situation where she don't feel very much for her parents as these are but the manifestation of the cause sow by her parents during her growing years.
But since we are bounded by culture - there is still an unseen obligation Rainee to care for her parents. Surely, if this element was missing, I wouldn't be no surprise if she opt to cut ties. But of course in reality, there is only so much of freewill one can choose to have - because many choices are fettered by societal context and culture. Especially in Asia.
There are definitely no easy solutions, but I would like to point out something: your parents didn't seemed to change their attitude or stance towards you since young. They seemed to practice some sort of guilt-induction, so as to bend you according to their expectation. Most parents does that sort of thing in varying intensity, but those that exploit the relationship will often create domestic tragedy, like those you find in newspaper articles.
For this: I say listen to yourself. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. Acting upon a decision recklessly, while knowing that it's not wise, is foolish.
Cheers
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Just because you get a scholarship doesnt mean your parents contribute 0% to your career. If they have been more lenient on you, maybe your grades would be worst off and you wont even get the scholarship in the first place.
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Originally posted by FirePig:
Just because you get a scholarship doesnt mean your parents contribute 0% to your career. If they have been more lenient on you, maybe your grades would be worst off and you wont even get the scholarship in the first place.
Even if they do contribute to it, does that give them the right to treat me shabbily and use me in any way they want? I am not an object that is bought just to be used...
There are better ways to motivate a child to get better grades than to resort to beating and abuse. If what you say is true, all the people who are getting good grades must have been abused before. I have known many of them but I do not see that this is true.
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Originally posted by rainee:
Even if they do contribute to it, does that give them the right to treat me shabbily and use me in any way they want? I am not an object that is bought just to be used...
There are better ways to motivate a child to get better grades than to resort to beating and abuse. If what you say is true, all the people who are getting good grades must have been abused before. I have known many of them but I do not see that this is true.
Rainee.... relax.
If your parents wants to create a scene at your workplace.. let them come.
If they want to put you on a guilt trip to get their ways.. let them.
But hold your ground.. because in your heart... you know who you are.
You don't need their approval to live the life you want...
Be at peace with yourself... be confident of your decision.
As long as you are doing your part.. you have nothing to be ashamed of.
There's really no need for you to go above and beyond what you are capable of.
When the storm comes.. brace yourself.. when it's finally over.. the rainbow will come.
But hor.. JB is really not that far away from Singapore lah.
Why can't you just arrange the ceremony in JB and have the Singapore relatives go over instead ?
All you need to do is arrange for hotel rooms for the convenience of your Singapore attendees...
And I'm sure the cost is much lower than in Singapore.
2 family arrangement will seem much bigger than one. The whole occasion will look more grand.
I used to go over to JB to attend my friend's wedding quite often before.. So.. I don't see why you couldn't do it either.
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peeps,
No intention in this world can justify an adult hitting a defenseless child.
Not only do you inflict physical pain.. you are also causing psychological damage to the growing child.
You may think that if her parents didn't hit her.. she would be worst off.. now that's an assumption.. no basis .. no proof.
Because I can also argue that.. if her parents didn't hit her.. she coulda be a Harvard graduate by now. and earning big bucks instead of scrimping through in Singapore.
Parents who hit their child into submission are just cowards who don't try to understand their children.
I hope none of you forumers will ever do such a thing in the future.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Rainee.... relax.
If your parents wants to create a scene at your workplace.. let them come.
If they want to put you on a guilt trip to get their ways.. let them.
But hold your ground.. because in your heart... you know who you are.
You don't need their approval to live the life you want...
Be at peace with yourself... be confident of your decision.
As long as you are doing your part.. you have nothing to be ashamed of.
There's really no need for you to go above and beyond what you are capable of.
When the storm comes.. brace yourself.. when it's finally over.. the rainbow will come.
But hor.. JB is really not that far away from Singapore lah.
Why can't you just arrange the ceremony in JB and have the Singapore relatives go over instead ?
All you need to do is arrange for hotel rooms for the convenience of your Singapore attendees...
And I'm sure the cost is much lower than in Singapore.
2 family arrangement will seem much bigger than one. The whole occasion will look more grand.
I used to go over to JB to attend my friend's wedding quite often before.. So.. I don't see why you couldn't do it either.
My in laws prefer to do it in Singapore. And quite a lot of our friends are also here in Singapore. If we do it in JB, it would be inconvenient for them plus the cost of booking hotel rooms for all of them would be too much for us to bear. Cannot just let them stay in some kinda cheapo and unsafe hotel also...
Yea, I will hold my ground and carry on with my original plan...take things one step at a time...
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
peeps,
No intention in this world can justify an adult hitting a defenseless child.
Not only do you inflict physical pain.. you are also causing psychological damage to the growing child.
You may think that if her parents didn't hit her.. she would be worst off.. now that's an assumption.. no basis .. no proof.
Because I can also argue that.. if her parents didn't hit her.. she coulda be a Harvard graduate by now. and earning big bucks instead of scrimping through in Singapore.
Parents who hit their child into submission are just cowards who don't try to understand their children.
I hope none of you forumers will ever do such a thing in the future.
x2...
Even if I want my children to succeed next time, I will never ever resort to what my parents have done to me...
Maybe you all think I should be big-hearted enough to forget everything and forgive...but I have tried to do that to no avail. So please do try to understand your child now or in the future, instead of beating or abusing them when things don't go according to your plan. It can leave a very deep mark which can be very hard to be erased once it is there...
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Haven't read the front part but when my fren and his m'sian wife got married they held 2 weddings 1 in SG and another in her hometown.