What does guys means when they say they need time?
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tell him 'gei wo yi ge ji hui, wo xiang zhuo ge hao ren'
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Neither do I? What's a cooling period? He shouldn't doing those things at all... Some don't even meet up...Originally posted by Ayla:Actually i also thought that the actual meaning of cooling period is just a better phrase to use for breakup... But if that is the case, why would he still bother to sms me, control where I'm doing and going, holds my hand, kiss me and hugs me when we meet? I really don't understand. I asked him but he says it's hard not to show affections for me when we meet because he still loves me too. Then what is the problems? Could it be that he needs time to get over his pride which had been hurt by my friends when they told him off?
What it means? Some still feel alot for their partner, some just making use of them... So it'll be hard to tell exactly what it means from here alone... -
True enuff.Originally posted by Devil1976:Neither do I? What's a cooling period? He shouldn't doing those things at all... Some don't even meet up...
What it means? Some still feel alot for their partner, some just making use of them... So it'll be hard to tell exactly what it means from here alone... -
do cooling off.. really helps in a r/s ?
hmmmm... -
For me i dun tink cooling off cud be a solution.
WHY? becuz i veri kiasi.
I can't afford to take this type of risk.
1)wat if my partner falls in love wif someone else during tat period?
2)wat if i m the one who runs away wif another?
A lot of scenarios may occur, and i will not want to sit down there waiting and pondering. Being an aries, i may be impatient. But it depends on wat kind of situation i m in. In this case, i wud rather go straight to the point and find out y. -
he still cares for u.. but the prob may he he's still unwilling to settle down.. he's still young and are most of his frens unattached? if so maybe he felt diff frm them.. he wanted freedom but he also cant bear to let u go.. gif him time.. but dun be too hopeful cos it'll hurt more..if he's meant for u he'll come for u.. meanwhile u can focus on some activities like taking up a hobby so dat u'll shift ur attention and wont think dat much.. take care..Originally posted by Ayla:Actually i also thought that the actual meaning of cooling period is just a better phrase to use for breakup... But if that is the case, why would he still bother to sms me, control where I'm doing and going, holds my hand, kiss me and hugs me when we meet? I really don't understand. I asked him but he says it's hard not to show affections for me when we meet because he still loves me too. Then what is the problems? Could it be that he needs time to get over his pride which had been hurt by my friends when they told him off? -
Well, when things didn't happened the way everyone expected, sometimes it's best to just way away from it to avoid further escalation of unpleasant events or negative emotions.Originally posted by Ayla:As above... What is the meaning of cooling period? How long does a guy need to cool down...? Is 1 month considered long?
You see.. people actually needs a space of their own. Even for a married couple, each of them would need a private space for their own retreat. Worst things happened, ie. saying the things you didn't meant to say.. or hitting each other.. etc, when you can't hold your frustration, too upset or simple not ready for something.
The best thing to do when someone said they need time out, or cooling period, does not necessary mean a break out or any other things. It simply implies that he/she can't cope with what's going on right now and needs time to absorb.
Best thing to do when someone retreat into this zone of cooling off, is to let it be.. don't jump to conclusion and stop pressuring him/her. Put yourself in his shoe and perhaps you can see some light. Cooling period can last from hours to a few months. So, do maintain your distance and not walk out of it nor to push forward.
If it took too long (ie. 2x the cooling period he/she wanted), cooling period will starts to turn into ice age. This might be the time for you to take a small step forward.. testing the ice before you break it. -
Well.. it's obvious that both of you are forgetting some important element about BGR. That is the need of understanding each other and leting each other to understand themselves.Originally posted by Ayla:I had a lot of restrictions when i'm with him. And he's always going out without bringing me along. He's got at least 2 or 3 bach nights a week. And i got to stay home when he's out. We had tons of quarrels until 1 day, my friends told him off. He couldn't take it and broke up with me. I love him too much and pleaded for another chance to be together. And he suggested a cooling period.
Now, it's been 3 days to a month. He's still not given me an answer. During these time, we've met up twice, and we're behaving like any other normal couples. I asked him why, he told me he also cannot control himself by not holding my hand when we meet up. He says he need time, to think about alot of things.
All my friends told me 2 weeks is sufficient for whatever anger to be cooled. But then? During these time, he still restrict me on what I'm doing. He wants me to prove to him that I can change before we get back together. Wants me to tell him where i'm going too. His reason is, if the places, things and friends that i mix with is clean and "guan1 ming2 zheng4 da4", I shouldn't be afraid to let him know.
When we quarrelled about his outings last time, he also suggested a breakup. Now, he's been going out everyday without telling me too! It's only when i call him, then i discovered it from his backgrounds. I can tell that he needs time to 'make up' for the chances lost for going out when he's with me.
When i prompted the question on how long he wants me to wait, he replied by saying :"If you are that impatient, then you can don't wait..." I told him I felt insecured by his outings everyday now. What if he got to know a new girl and I'm still waiting for him in the dark? He assured me that he needs time, not to know new girls and that he would not have a new gf in this 1 year to come. He's sick of all these BGR problems...
Yours is a classic case, whereby, he has forgotten about your needs and had turn selfish since he believes that you will give in to him and he is the one in control of the relationship. It is true that in any relationship, there can't be two person playing dominance. One of the two has to totally submit or they can take turns but not both at one time.
Regardless, in a situation like this, as in any negotiation issues. Try turning the table against him.
1. Tell him, you are also tired of the BGR issues and all the crap about reporting to him. You needs time to think as well. If he wants to break up.. then be it. Afterall, all he cares is about himself and has not shown any physical behaviour about loving you. Anyone can abuse the 3 words and demand intimancy physically but not able to care and understand how the other one feels.
2. If you claim that you love him so much.. well, I believe so but not enough to be his submissive lover to allow him to walk all over you. I am not saying that your love for him is not real.. but more like, hmm.. not willing to sacrifice everything even if he doesn't reciprocate and will one day betray your feeling. In short, you are very normal.
3. The feeling of insecure is normal. If he can't share his activities report, why share yours? If he demands to know, just tell him off lah
"Last night? Haha.. I went out with some friends loh"
"What kind of friends? My friends lah."
"You want to know who? Hmm.. very difficult to discribe lah. Must tell you everything that I do meh?"
"Are you implying that I'm unfaithful to this relationship? Hmm.. well, that mean you don't trust me lah? Why you feel so insecure? I trusted you so much and seldom want to ask where and who you go out with and you also never tell me what."
"What.. you suggesting a breakup so easily one. That means you are seeing someone lah.."
"Whatever... I think I need to take a step back and think about the entire relationship. If you are not ready for our relationsip, then be it. You are just not ready."
4. Please note. Your first problem doesn't start with him. It starts with you and how you are handling him. My ICQ number. 100-734-679 if you need someone to talk to. -
Ayla, Follow your HEART
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Thanks for all your advises. But i fully nod in agreement to what ~Lyn~ had said.
But to my disappointment, I discovered that he had been going out with gals for the past 1 month. His colleague actually called me few days ago to send his regards to me and to tell me the good news that my bf told him he is coming back to me soon. Then, i sounded his colleague out, and he blurt out the meetups to me. I fully trust this colleague of his because all of us has been going out together with his wife last time and i know his character. I was really disappointed when i learnt the news. But his colleague kept reassuring me that they are platonic friends. But, a woman's instinct is very sharp. I never asked my bf about it as I don't want to get his colleague into trouble.
Haiz, anyway, i'm still waiting now... Waiting for that Day...