Marriage Breakdown... Seeking Advice...
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what you said is very true fymk.. i believe both joe and myself knows that it is very difficult to win back already. it may take years or whatsoever but the crack and lost of trust is there. although my case wasnt about forgery but it was taking $ with the intention to return later but it is an unforgivable thing.
i have been trying so hard for the past few months to give my best and try to earn back the trust. whatever i do, it is backfiring. even the smallest things as to what to eat can create fights.
i would like to see a counseller but the guts to go tell them is not there. many times i have asked her to go along with me, but it is rejected. although we do spend time together, but it is superficial. all good things i do becomes bad in her eyes. get scolded, beaten, kicked, slapped,scratched etc..
reality is such that when you love a person deeply, you are willing to sacrifice all. but when mistakes done, the end of story.Originally posted by fymk:As a woman , I don't think I want to trust someone who forges my signature. No pun intended. Men also remember bad deeds in the past as well. It is just human.
Really trust has to be earnt , it is not given. You betrayed a trust. So time for you to find a way to earn her trust back. Earning a trust back is never easy.
Regularjoe , you are lucky your wife did not push formal charges on you for forgery. She seems to exhibit some concern for you to use the flat to repay the loan as well. You are lucky in a way. For the moment , I suggest you give her some time out to think things over carefully.
Don't go telling her " I have never chided her for anything before, and even if i was angry, i have always forgiven her. i really do not think that she love me less, else she wouldn't have entrusted her life to me... " because , friend, what you did was an ultimate betrayal.
If she decides she cannot forgive you during that period , you cannot push her either except take things one at a time. People make mistakes , some can be repaired , some cannot . Like a mirror , once there is a crack , there will always be a crack despite all the repairs.
May even take years for forgiveness.
You got your priorities right - get yourself out of the debt legally and honestly. Fix yourself first before you try fixing your marriage. Let her know how sorry you are and your plans over a coffee or something if she is agreeable. Keep her as a friend. Friendship is a building block for trust . Don't go pushing into marriage etc. -
till now i have not gotten out of my depression and it is more than half a year. i still am going thru all the despise of myself, suicidal thots, sleepless nights, drastic weight lost. even she sees me now, as said is all superficial and she keeps tell me that we are bent for divorce and no chance to be together. over the months, i have been injured. can be due to lost of concentration or indirectly caused by her, but no more than a how r u from her..i have been trying to make sure my work is stable but it is affecting me. even colleagues know that. although i am not told to leave yet but due to my often sickness i have to be prepared for it. i keep telling myself i gotta step out of it but it never happen. the care and concern for her is too much. even second i am thinking of her. i am stepping into depression again..Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi deepman,
Be strong. Be comforted that she still sees you. I would do anything even just to hear her voice again.
You must hang on to your job no matter what happens, cos this is your lifeline. Like all well meaning forumers had adviced, take steps to solve our problems first; before even thinking of salvaging the marriage.
I am going through the same thing as you. She doesn't care anymore about what happens to me anymore. I sms her, she will not reply. It's just that, it seems she has just disappeared.
I understand what you are going through... I think I am getting out of depression. During the past 2 months, I cried, I despised myself, I had suicidal thoughts, sleepless nights, I lost a lot of weight... while going through all these, i kept worrying when the banks will actually come after me... everytime when the phone rings, I will go crazy. I dun know if it is my wife or the banks...
I was also bitter about why I was given a chance; but know I understand, cos this is the way some women are... though sometimes I wonder about the marriage vow.. "through thick and thin"...
Now, I am starting to pick myself up. How do I know I am getting out of the rut? Because I don't get affected by bad news anymore. For instance, I was told by some gd and kind career counsellors taht indeed, it is difficult for me to find a job in this market now, because of my career work experiences. Maybe, that is what they call structural displacement. I am of course concerned, but then I know that there must still be some way that I can earn some money. I will carry on trying... and I know that if eventually, I am still unable to get a job to fend off the banks, it is just bankruptcy that I have to face. However, I will try to fight it off cos I still want to salvage my marriage, and I do not want to sabotage my own chances by getting myself bankrupted.
Has she mentioned about divorce yet, or are you legally separated? Are you also about to sell your matrimonial flat? Try not to bring up these subjects in your outings, and never lose patience with her... just be happy that you still get to see her and try to please her as much as possible...
I hope you can stay strong during these times... it's gonna be worse before it gets better... I always believe that the world is actually a place full of warmth and hope, and if you hold on to this belief, you should be all right.
C'mon in often to share...
Take care.
Regularjoe
i have got a lawyer letter saying they preparing for divorce or seperation. but i do not know how it goes. it does not state in the letter too i gotta go sign anything or whatever.
i need counselling. can you tell me where should i go ?? whether for marriage counsel or even advise for divorce of seperation. it is painful. till now, i still see her regularly and doing all my very best to provide.. it is turning worse instead. every single thing i do, is a trap for her to bite on me.. -
Deepman, you need to get back into life, fix your current working situation and health
no point thinking the past, you need to help yourself.. what we can do , is to give you motivation and courage to face it.
Dont waste more time being in shadow..... remember time dont wait. Stand up and start fixing them one by one.
IF you are eager to be with her... every min you are in your shadow... you are wasting a min to be with her...
hope my above helps... -
i know brothers and sisters here give good advise. but reality is that we only feel it when we are in the position. you are right CKT that I should not live in shadow. but standing up is not easy no more. I know fixing is the solution. but when you are always in deep thots and the missing part keeps haunting you, you tend to side track and everything goes back down the drain.Originally posted by chaykwaytiao:Deepman, you need to get back into life, fix your current working situation and health
no point thinking the past, you need to help yourself.. what we can do , is to give you motivation and courage to face it.
Dont waste more time being in shadow..... remember time dont wait. Stand up and start fixing them one by one.
IF you are eager to be with her... every min you are in your shadow... you are wasting a min to be with her...
hope my above helps... -
regularjoe,
i have to say that i am apalled that you actually forge your wife's signature to take out some loans in her name.
A woman usually look for 2 forms of security in her marriage - emotional and financial. You have obviously not offered her any financial security at all.. worst still, she could have risk bankruptcy due to your folly, which is not fair at all to her. I am not surprised if she can't forgive you and can't trust you again.
Well, all that nagging done, i suppose the best thing that you can do now is to work hard, clear your debts and show her that you can handle your finances well again. You will need to gain her trust and confidence in you again, which might not be easy.
Like what you said, the fact that she hasn't initiated the divorce proceedings may well mean that she's still unsure whether she truly wanna divorce you. I suspect she might be torn between what her mind and heart is telling her. Her mind will be telling her that you are not able to give her financial security, that you are not trustworthy, and she's better off being alone or with someone more financially stable. But deep down in her heart, she still loves you.
I sincerely wish you the best and hope that one day we'll see your post announcing that you have managed to win her heart again. -
http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/Originally posted by deepman:till now i have not gotten out of my depression and it is more than half a year. i still am going thru all the despise of myself, suicidal thots, sleepless nights, drastic weight lost. even she sees me now, as said is all superficial and she keeps tell me that we are bent for divorce and no chance to be together. over the months, i have been injured. can be due to lost of concentration or indirectly caused by her, but no more than a how r u from her..i have been trying to make sure my work is stable but it is affecting me. even colleagues know that. although i am not told to leave yet but due to my often sickness i have to be prepared for it. i keep telling myself i gotta step out of it but it never happen. the care and concern for her is too much. even second i am thinking of her. i am stepping into depression again..
i have got a lawyer letter saying they preparing for divorce or seperation. but i do not know how it goes. it does not state in the letter too i gotta go sign anything or whatever.
i need counselling. can you tell me where should i go ?? whether for marriage counsel or even advise for divorce of seperation. it is painful. till now, i still see her regularly and doing all my very best to provide.. it is turning worse instead. every single thing i do, is a trap for her to bite on me..
Deepman, go to the link above to find your answers... I am indeed sad to hear that you have received the lawyer's letter, that could mean a petition has been served on you... a legal separation could ensue if both of you do do satisfy the divorce criteria at the moment... You could also seek counselling there...
My greatest fear is that my wife is becoming like yours... she is beginning to care less, and sometimes downright rude. There are no fights yet between us, but I fear that it might become a reality soon...
I am really ashamed of the severity of my mistakes; and I am beginning to hate myself all over again. To be frank, I don't harbour so much hope that she will forgive me, let alone get back with me... just have to learn to deal with the pain...
Just a while ago, my wife told me that she had given the agent an ultimatum of selling the house by this week... however, she said it's up to me whether I wanted to sell... there's been an offer that is way way below the market rate and can only help clear 1/4 of my debts... I am in a dilemna; is she telling me to sell becos she wants nothing to do with me anymore, so that she can institute divorce proceedings? I am going crazy everytime these things happen... the fear of the unknown... and i keep second guessing her ...
deepman, i know you love your wife deeply, and i would tell you to hang in there... try to get her to go for marriage counselling... btw, have you returned her the money? also, pls prepare yourself should you lose your job... I can tell you that the job market is really tough.. I've been unemployed for 3 months already... and I am deep in debt ...
The advice here is right, you can pour out everything here, but we know that we need to get things together again... we might live with regrets all our life, but we can lessen the pain by learning and being a better person...
Be strong, I am with you...
Regularjoe -
skinnybeanie, you have every right to be appalled, and I am truly ashamed of my own actions.Originally posted by skinnybeanie:regularjoe,
i have to say that i am apalled that you actually forge your wife's signature to take out some loans in her name.
A woman usually look for 2 forms of security in her marriage - emotional and financial. You have obviously not offered her any financial security at all.. worst still, she could have risk bankruptcy due to your folly, which is not fair at all to her. I am not surprised if she can't forgive you and can't trust you again.
Well, all that nagging done, i suppose the best thing that you can do now is to work hard, clear your debts and show her that you can handle your finances well again. You will need to gain her trust and confidence in you again, which might not be easy.
Like what you said, the fact that she hasn't initiated the divorce proceedings may well mean that she's still unsure whether she truly wanna divorce you. I suspect she might be torn between what her mind and heart is telling her. Her mind will be telling her that you are not able to give her financial security, that you are not trustworthy, and she's better off being alone or with someone more financially stable. But deep down in her heart, she still loves you.
I sincerely wish you the best and hope that one day we'll see your post announcing that you have managed to win her heart again.
i just hope that the little love she has for me in heart will linger on enough for me to take charge of my own life and be the person I was before I got into debt...
it might be sad, but i savour everyday that i don't hear from her, becos i fear the day when i hear from her is that the divorce petition is being served to me...
you are right, and maybe for a start, i should sell off the flat first... -
DAMN RIGHT. But though it would make 'movements' very difficult. It doesn't mean that they cannot be done. Just that you would often see your thoughts swinging between what YOU WANNA BELIEVE and what REALITY & logics have to offer you...Originally posted by deepman:i know brothers and sisters here give good advise. but reality is that we only feel it when we are in the position. you are right CKT that I should not live in shadow. but standing up is not easy no more. I know fixing is the solution. but when you are always in deep thots and the missing part keeps haunting you, you tend to side track and everything goes back down the drain. -
It won't be so easy now that divorce is on the way..?Originally posted by regularjoe:skinnybeanie, you have every right to be appalled, and I am truly ashamed of my own actions.
i just hope that the little love she has for me in heart will linger on enough for me to take charge of my own life and be the person I was before I got into debt...
it might be sad, but i savour everyday that i don't hear from her, becos i fear the day when i hear from her is that the divorce petition is being served to me...
you are right, and maybe for a start, i should sell off the flat first... -
let's hope not...Originally posted by Devil1976:It won't be so easy now that divorce is on the way..?
i am not too sure on what to expect... she is ok whether the flat is sold or not.. says it is my call... she is not even fighting me for any proceeds from sale of the flat, she just wants me to take it all and pay off my loans.. heart really aches.. how could I have hurt her?
every small thing that i asked her for help now, as in borrowing her company's resources to do little things... she says no problem. It really hurts me more.. have half expected her to scream at me and ask me to get lost...
well, next week is an important week... it could be a first step towards the light from this long, dark and terrifying tunnel...
You take care...
Regularjoe -
I think deep down, everyone knows what to do. Emotions cloud our judgement, and we end up doing something else.Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi Aaron,
Thank you for sharing.
Yes, sometimes things are actually quite simple; eliminate one problem at a time and ultimately, all your problems are solved. But unfortunately, humans are afterall creatures with emotions; it often clouds one's thinking and perspective.
I know what I should do, but it is just so hard...
Anyway, thanks for your advice and hope that you will continue contributing in this thread...
Regularjoe
That's why i like to pull myself out of the box ... the box where i'm trapped together with my emotions, and look at it objectively.
Of course, the people here helps too. Their views and ideas make it easier to rationalise. But the most important thing is to solve your most immediate problems, and then slowly go down the line of your priorities.
Do not lose hope in the way Joe, we all make mistakes, and as bad as your situation looks, just know that its always darkest before dawn.
Godspeed with your new life~ -
Do you have a child? They say having a child helps bond the family closer. And you shldnt have shouldered all the burden to yourself. Especially when you couldnt take it and let it all ruin you.Originally posted by regularjoe:this will have to come later...
i will still need to get myself together...
the first priority is to get a job first... then will have to find ways to pay off the loans...
the other matter is that she wants desperately to sell off the matrimonial flat ... reason given is that she hope that the proceeds can help to lessen my loan burden... but many well meaning people has actually told me not to sell it off, as it could only hasten the end of our marriage...
another reason given by my wife is that she finds that there are too many bad memories of this place, so she doesn't want to come home at all... -
you hid important things from her,you stole from her.... how do you expect her to understand?
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I do have a small one at home, but not a baby, it's a puppy that we both love to bits. Sadly, she has also taken the puppy with her....
Lady forumers here are appalled with what I have done, and makes me now understand what are the most important things in a woman's life...
In the normal course of married life, we don't talk about such things like most important things to me is financial and emotional security blah blah.. it's more like we must open a joint account.. why did you not buy me the xxx brand handbag.. gimme a hug... you don't seem to like it when i share with you my problems at work... you don't like to go shopping right...
Nothing inherently wrong with all these, just that it seems like demands on the guys, and we do not know sometimes that it translates to something else... at the end of the day, we are all taught to give in to our wives... and to also get our own problems solved...
doing less of some of these things means we love our wives less? looking back at the past, these are the little things that can help to make or break you when things get sour...
so, i urge all guys here to treasure your wives or gfs when you still have them around... they might seem "spoilt" when they want this or that, but ultimately, if you gain their trust, they will give you back ten fold... else, you lose everything...
Regularjoe -
You're a lucky guy. Whatever's the outcome, hope you won't hurt her again?Originally posted by regularjoe:let's hope not...
i am not too sure on what to expect... she is ok whether the flat is sold or not.. says it is my call... she is not even fighting me for any proceeds from sale of the flat, she just wants me to take it all and pay off my loans.. heart really aches.. how could I have hurt her?
every small thing that i asked her for help now, as in borrowing her company's resources to do little things... she says no problem. It really hurts me more.. have half expected her to scream at me and ask me to get lost...
well, next week is an important week... it could be a first step towards the light from this long, dark and terrifying tunnel...
You take care...
Regularjoe -
I'm not a lucky guy, I'm the worst sort of guy around... I think it's payback time for me...Originally posted by Devil1976:You're a lucky guy. Whatever's the outcome, hope you won't hurt her again?
Just yesterday, after gathering my courage to call, I rang her and she answered. Instead of hearing some angry words, she asked me how I have been doing and all the pleasantries... then she asked me to share with her my job search etc etc... and she told me she will be transferring some money to my account to help me in the bills and living expenses!!! I was so ashamed and touched at the same time... but what kind of man am I? Now, by treating me with such magnanmity makes me feel worse... it's like me getting punished all over again...
So how could I ever think of ever hurting her again ? I just have to find reserves of strength in myself to get myself up and live again... and with GOD's grace, I hope I will have the chance to seek forgiveness and repay her...
Regularjoe -
So happy to hear that she is willing to pick up your phone and she will be doing all those stuff for you. I am also happy to hear that you are trying to gather all your strengths to pick up and live again.Originally posted by regularjoe:I'm not a lucky guy, I'm the worst sort of guy around... I think it's payback time for me...
Just yesterday, after gathering my courage to call, I rang her and she answered. Instead of hearing some angry words, she asked me how I have been doing and all the pleasantries... then she asked me to share with her my job search etc etc... and she told me she will be transferring some money to my account to help me in the bills and living expenses!!! I was so ashamed and touched at the same time... but what kind of man am I? Now, by treating me with such magnanmity makes me feel worse... it's like me getting punished all over again...
So how could I ever think of ever hurting her again ? I just have to find reserves of strength in myself to get myself up and live again... and with GOD's grace, I hope I will have the chance to seek forgiveness and repay her...
Regularjoe
At the meantime, i still have my job and she is still seeing me. Although everytime we see each other, harsh and anger actions / words will flood from her. any small matters can erupt into a big one. many time, wish i could be strong enough to pick up and try to live my life without her. but the impact of her on me was too great. seeing you saying all this things really makes my heart hurt and pain and how much i must have hurt my wife too.. she told me that she will never forgive me or forget what i done. the way she reacts to me shows it all and she is really living a life of her own and building herself. For me, i am really ashamed of myself. mistakes are done by me and i used lies to cover them previously. but when i honestly let them out, it is way too late. the love is gone.
she just told me she no longers have love for me and each day we prolong, the more pain i will feel and more nasty things will befall me. she also mentioned that she is not as magnanimous others as to forgive and she cant trust or do it anymore.
Joe, I really hope the best for you -
YEAH... You're a LUCKY GUY...Originally posted by regularjoe:I'm not a lucky guy, I'm the worst sort of guy around... I think it's payback time for me...
Just yesterday, after gathering my courage to call, I rang her and she answered. Instead of hearing some angry words, she asked me how I have been doing and all the pleasantries... then she asked me to share with her my job search etc etc... and she told me she will be transferring some money to my account to help me in the bills and living expenses!!! I was so ashamed and touched at the same time... but what kind of man am I? Now, by treating me with such magnanmity makes me feel worse... it's like me getting punished all over again...
So how could I ever think of ever hurting her again ? I just have to find reserves of strength in myself to get myself up and live again... and with GOD's grace, I hope I will have the chance to seek forgiveness and repay her...
Regularjoe
ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS... Hope you'll MAKE UP TO HER... Despite of the fact to whether she forgives you and give you a chance or not yeah...?
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Dear Deepman & Regular Joe
I have deep similarity of the problems u guys are facing.
The only security I have now are my 4 children and the eldest is grown up and the other 3 are still school going.
Like Joe, out of desperation, I forged her signature to obtain a credit line without her knowledge and that was 5 yrs ago and until today, I am still sruggling to pay the interest every month just to prevent legal action.
If legal action is instituted by the bank, I will face the same consequence like u guys. I have been taking $ from her every now and then, by the hundreds and occasionally by the thousands, saying that the thousands will restore my credit problems with the banks. She trusted me and did not hesitate to help me. I do not know how long I can hold the truth especially I am left with nothing every month after paying off various banks from my wage.
I recently gave up my car as a result of a bad accident and not being able to handle my repair cost. That aggravate the situation as I was seeing her every day to and from work. Having no car brings us further apart.
My latest blow is one bank consolidated my accounts together and expect me to pay a substantial amount every month thru their lawyer otherwise they will proceed with legal actions.
I know my days are numbered before facing the chopping board.
I tried to seek part time employment in the evening but being 50, it is so difficult to find one.
Like Deepman, she is touchy over minor things unlike before and I can tell the difference instantly.
I am prepared to face bankruptcy but the thoughts of getting her involved is tormenting. -
Hi Regularjoe,Originally posted by regularjoe:I'm not a lucky guy, I'm the worst sort of guy around... I think it's payback time for me...
Just yesterday, after gathering my courage to call, I rang her and she answered. Instead of hearing some angry words, she asked me how I have been doing and all the pleasantries... then she asked me to share with her my job search etc etc... and she told me she will be transferring some money to my account to help me in the bills and living expenses!!! I was so ashamed and touched at the same time... but what kind of man am I? Now, by treating me with such magnanmity makes me feel worse... it's like me getting punished all over again...
So how could I ever think of ever hurting her again ? I just have to find reserves of strength in myself to get myself up and live again... and with GOD's grace, I hope I will have the chance to seek forgiveness and repay her...
Regularjoe
Sorry for the post I am about to write. I dont wish to come down on you or anyone like a ton of bricks but as many of the previous posts had so clearly discussed some of the issues, so I decided to just go straight into what I want to say.
For a short moment stop condemning yourself. Yes what you did is a terrible thing. It is good that you recognise this. I think your wife knows that you yourself recognised the wrong you have done and feels terrible about it as well. I think she has seen you suffer for your mistakes. Now, ask God for forgiveness and repent and then forgive yourself. Ask her for her forgiveness BUT DONT PUSH IT. JUST SAY HOW SORRY YOU ARE ABOUT ALL THE DECEIT AND THE HURT THAT YOU HAD CAUSED HER AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. IF SHE HAS NO REACTION WHATSOEVER, DONT YOU DARE PUSH HER TO HAVE ONE! IF SHE HAS THE HEART TO FORGIVE, SHE WILL - * IN HER TIME* NOT YOURS![/ In the meantime, forgive yourself! you need this, you need to make peace within yourself. Without forgiving yourself, you will find that the actions you want to take is being held back by the condemnation that you feel! b]
Now learn from this terrible situation and Remember the pain that your actions had done and remember it well. But that is different from beating yourself to death by every act of kindness that you receive from your wife who I must say is exceedingly supportive! [b]If she does not wish to scream at you why should you feel bad? Just like expecting her to say she forgives you the moment you asked, for whose benefit is it that she should scream at you? She has her own ways of dealing with the situation and if screaming at you is not one of it, why should you want her and expect her to scream at you?
Remember she is the one who is hurted by your actions. YOu are hurt bec of your own actions so you have nothing that you can expect from her. She will give you whatever that her kindness and grace will enable her to give. You cannot expect anything. The moment you expect, your actions will look like a demand and that will only show that you are not sincere in changing your ways and seeking her forgiveness but will come across as one which is designed to make yourself feel better! you have no right to demand anything at this stage. I'm sorry to say this but her last priority to you is to help you feel good about yourself. So dont rush anything, dont push. This is part of showing her that you love her more than yourself.
I know how desperate it feels but the more self control you have the eaiser it is to deal with the situation.
About the flat. Have you done the sums, what amount must be returned to CPF and what amount is available to you to repay the loan? I would seriously suggest that whatever amount that can be realilsed you use it FIRST TO PAY OFF HER DEBT not yours!! It is not right that she should have to suffer the bad debt while you spread the money around! Also, no point trying to cover all bases when as you said, the amount availabe can only cover 1/4 of your debt. so might as well clear as much of hers as you can first - best of all if her debts are cleared once and for all. That way you are back to square one which is not a bad place to start, judging from the situation. Also helping her clear her debt first also shows with your actions that you love her more than yourself!
Sentiments aside, if she is prepared to sell the flat and if it can help clear some of the bills, I would suggest that you do that.
once again, I am sorry for the heavy post. I hope it may be of some use to you.
take care -
Regular Joe,
I've just PM you. -
Originally posted by supercharger:
Dear supercharger,
Hi Regularjoe,
Sorry for the post I am about to write. I dont wish to come down on you or anyone like a ton of bricks but as many of the previous posts had so clearly discussed some of the issues, so I decided to just go straight into what I want to say.
For a short moment stop condemning yourself. Yes what you did is a terrible thing. It is good that you recognise this. I think your wife knows that you yourself recognised the wrong you have done and feels terrible about it as well. I think she has seen you suffer for your mistakes. Now, ask God for forgiveness and repent and then forgive yourself. [b]Ask her for her forgiveness BUT DONT PUSH IT. JUST SAY HOW SORRY YOU ARE ABOUT ALL THE DECEIT AND THE HURT THAT YOU HAD CAUSED HER AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. IF SHE HAS NO REACTION WHATSOEVER, DONT YOU DARE PUSH HER TO HAVE ONE! IF SHE HAS THE HEART TO FORGIVE, SHE WILL - * IN HER TIME* NOT YOURS![/ In the meantime, forgive yourself! you need this, you need to make peace within yourself. Without forgiving yourself, you will find that the actions you want to take is being held back by the condemnation that you feel! b]
Now learn from this terrible situation and Remember the pain that your actions had done and remember it well. But that is different from beating yourself to death by every act of kindness that you receive from your wife who I must say is exceedingly supportive! [b]If she does not wish to scream at you why should you feel bad? Just like expecting her to say she forgives you the moment you asked, for whose benefit is it that she should scream at you? She has her own ways of dealing with the situation and if screaming at you is not one of it, why should you want her and expect her to scream at you?
Remember she is the one who is hurted by your actions. YOu are hurt bec of your own actions so you have nothing that you can expect from her. She will give you whatever that her kindness and grace will enable her to give. You cannot expect anything. The moment you expect, your actions will look like a demand and that will only show that you are not sincere in changing your ways and seeking her forgiveness but will come across as one which is designed to make yourself feel better! you have no right to demand anything at this stage. I'm sorry to say this but her last priority to you is to help you feel good about yourself. So dont rush anything, dont push. This is part of showing her that you love her more than yourself.
I know how desperate it feels but the more self control you have the eaiser it is to deal with the situation.
About the flat. Have you done the sums, what amount must be returned to CPF and what amount is available to you to repay the loan? I would seriously suggest that whatever amount that can be realilsed you use it FIRST TO PAY OFF HER DEBT not yours!! It is not right that she should have to suffer the bad debt while you spread the money around! Also, no point trying to cover all bases when as you said, the amount availabe can only cover 1/4 of your debt. so might as well clear as much of hers as you can first - best of all if her debts are cleared once and for all. That way you are back to square one which is not a bad place to start, judging from the situation. Also helping her clear her debt first also shows with your actions that you love her more than yourself!
Sentiments aside, if she is prepared to sell the flat and if it can help clear some of the bills, I would suggest that you do that.
once again, I am sorry for the heavy post. I hope it may be of some use to you.
take care[/b]
Your post came too late. She has just smsed me to tell me that it is impossible for us to get back together, and she will never forgive me for the forgery, can never imagine sleeping beside me again... Is this the end for me?. That was after I told her how sorry I was and asked for her forgiveness...
Your post is something that everyone who have these problems should read... alas for me... it came too late... her kindness and grace is amazing, she has just transferred some money into my account again, but she told me she can't help anymore, and asked me to get a job real quick... and because my family depends on me.. she also said that i should be doing all these not for her, but for my family... is there no more hope?
She has no more debts with the banks, but I will return her the amt that she loaned me to clear my debts.
Please do dispense more of your insight here... it is really of great help to people who are in the same dire situations like me... and it is of really no consequense whether the post is strong or not, cos usually the best advice is hard to take...
Once again, I hope you will continue to share..
Take care
Regularjoe -
Not so soon, my wife is as hurt as your wife.. she's not willing to forgive me at all... and my guess is that we will go the same way as you... that we will continue to live apart...Originally posted by deepman:So happy to hear that she is willing to pick up your phone and she will be doing all those stuff for you. I am also happy to hear that you are trying to gather all your strengths to pick up and live again.
At the meantime, i still have my job and she is still seeing me. Although everytime we see each other, harsh and anger actions / words will flood from her. any small matters can erupt into a big one. many time, wish i could be strong enough to pick up and try to live my life without her. but the impact of her on me was too great. seeing you saying all this things really makes my heart hurt and pain and how much i must have hurt my wife too.. she told me that she will never forgive me or forget what i done. the way she reacts to me shows it all and she is really living a life of her own and building herself. For me, i am really ashamed of myself. mistakes are done by me and i used lies to cover them previously. but when i honestly let them out, it is way too late. the love is gone.
she just told me she no longers have love for me and each day we prolong, the more pain i will feel and more nasty things will befall me. she also mentioned that she is not as magnanimous others as to forgive and she cant trust or do it anymore.
Joe, I really hope the best for you
The last I read was that your wife has instituted divorce proceedings... what is the outcome? You can PM me ...
How long have you been living separately?
I guess I also have no more hope... -
Dear Larry,Originally posted by [email protected]:Dear Deepman & Regular Joe
I have deep similarity of the problems u guys are facing.
The only security I have now are my 4 children and the eldest is grown up and the other 3 are still school going.
Like Joe, out of desperation, I forged her signature to obtain a credit line without her knowledge and that was 5 yrs ago and until today, I am still sruggling to pay the interest every month just to prevent legal action.
If legal action is instituted by the bank, I will face the same consequence like u guys. I have been taking $ from her every now and then, by the hundreds and occasionally by the thousands, saying that the thousands will restore my credit problems with the banks. She trusted me and did not hesitate to help me. I do not know how long I can hold the truth especially I am left with nothing every month after paying off various banks from my wage.
I recently gave up my car as a result of a bad accident and not being able to handle my repair cost. That aggravate the situation as I was seeing her every day to and from work. Having no car brings us further apart.
My latest blow is one bank consolidated my accounts together and expect me to pay a substantial amount every month thru their lawyer otherwise they will proceed with legal actions.
I know my days are numbered before facing the chopping board.
I tried to seek part time employment in the evening but being 50, it is so difficult to find one.
Like Deepman, she is touchy over minor things unlike before and I can tell the difference instantly.
I am prepared to face bankruptcy but the thoughts of getting her involved is tormenting.
I guess supercharger's advice applies here. I assume that you might be staying in an apartment now, is it possible to downgrade? If you can get back some cash to alleviate the problems, it would help things. But you should get her out of the problems first...
Like you, I am past caring about bankruptcy. And to some irony of fate, I am glad that my wife is not with me as I go down this path... my only worry is that I am unable to find a gd job...
if you do not mind, there are indeed some PT positions that you can try for, PT surveyor, tutor, property agent, production night shift operators... i guess you do not mind the pittance as I feel every dollar counts...
From your post, it seems like your wife is already aware of you forging her signature... if that is the case, then the problem is purely financial... so might not be a bad thing to work PT after all...
For the bank that consolidated your statement, try again to stall for time by working directly with them and being upfront with your debts... you can try writing directly to the top management about this, and you'll be surprised with the result... or try to get your MP to help... pride should not be in the way here... -
Something my wife sent me... ominous isn't it?
People come into your life for a "Reason," a "Season" or a "Lifetime"
When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do with that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it's usually to meet a need you've expressed. They've come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered... even if you don't realize it...
and now it's time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. But believe; it is real! But, it's also only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.