Marriage Breakdown... Seeking Advice...
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Everyone has a time in life where mistakes are done, however, mistakes should be judge major or minor to be fair.
To me divorce should only be the answer if the issue is on unfaithfulness unless the marriage is due to some other reasons.
There are events where couples goes through , ups and downs. Mistake make,quarrels, mistakes forgiven... life move on as a married couple.
Maybe weddings vows should revise a few more lines to reflect current society changes to please everyone. -
Its great that her debts are repaid. So only yours is still outstanding. At least that way, if the worse does come, at least she will not be dragged down as well. It is great that by God's grace the issue may not surface again.
Now moving ahead, what you want to do is to take care of your immediate situation first. It appears that there are people who are relying on you. So if it means looking for a job, please do it immediately. Whether the job is the idea job or not, just do it bec you need some money coming in.
By doing this and taking responsibility again, you will not only help meet your immediate material needs but it will also give you a comforting sense of purpose that you are doing something. Also the people around you such as your family and your wife will see again that you can be trusted to take care of things and not choose the easy way out.
What had happened in the past is very complex and damaging. It is a combination of serious breach of trust that took place over many years coupled with forged signature to obtain money and finally the present situation. From your wife's view, it is not so simple. What had happened cannot be seen in isolation. It must be seen as a whole.
For example your choice to do "investments" (I do not know what your wife's attitude is towards money and the stock market) if she is very conservative with money and work and has little tolerance for risk, she will see that the "inivestments" are nothing but mere punts and an attemtp to get rich without work (sorry I dont wish to discuss the merits or lack thereof of stock investments so please no post concerning that here. I am talking about a specific situation here only). And the fact that you had lost big time is testiment to her believes.
Next not only is your attitude towards money and security different from hers - which is important - you had also deceived her for so many years! coupled that with the fact that you had the audacity to forge her signature... she feels that not only can she not trust you to be grounded and steady in providing her needs (ie to meet her need to feel secure) but worse still you had kept vital info from her for such a long time plus the latest breach, it just says to her that hey... if he has been lying to me all this time about something so important, how much of what he has told me in the past can be trusted?
That is the most damaging part. the bit that she finds it hard to trust you, the suspicion! It is common and a natural part of the defence mechnism in every person to feel and react like this. It is alleying that suspicion that is difficult. So you have to do everythin above board, everything transparent, everything just that bit extra over a much longer time to convince anyone, and in this instance you wife that you are trustworthy.
One point. Dont think that something to you is not important therefore its not important to her or anyone else! we have different values, so even if you think that the money issue is not terribly important to you, but if it is important to her, then like it or not, it is important. alot of time people get into trouble in their relationship is to assume that the issue is not important based soley on their own judgment and standards. Which is why they are often surprised by how the otherhalf reacts when they find out! so thorough communication is super important!
So saying and thinking that its just a one off mistake is the wrong assessment of the situation! bec looking at it in totality, the lie had been at work for a long time and the forgery is one of the final damaging result of that long term lie.
So for now, you have to pick yourself up. Remember, you are picking yourself up not so you can win your wife back - yes I wish that for you too - but if that is your motivation you will not last 2 minutes in your attempt to pick yourself up. Its simple - when you do it for this motive of winning her back it is not likely to work bec the motivation is not genuine so when she remains unmoved for a period longer than you can tahan you will loose heart and hope and say its no use for me to do this anymore! so when you perceived that the reason for you to do it is lost bec she remains unresponsive, you will have next to zero motivation to pick yourself up.
you pick yourself up bec you need to do it for yourself. Its part of self acceptance and forgiveness. You need to pick yourself up bec ther are others depending on you. you need to pic yourself up bec you still have many years ahead and you dont want the present problem to taint your future! and the wonderful thing about all this is that when you start picking yourself up, your confidence will return, even if you are made a bankrupt etc you will not go into despair, you can continue to live and work and the people around you will notice that you are actually a person of substance and one who can be depended upon, eventually your wife will not fail to notice that too. as to whether its too late or not, I cannot say. but the more you delay in sorting things out the slimer the chance. it will just go on to reinforce in her and in those around you that you op for the easy way out.
If you have the opportunity, talk openly to her, like I said before, dont push her to say anything that you want to hear. let her tell it the way she will tell it. dont push her to do anything or forgive anything just talk plainly and openly Also please SHE NEEDS TIME TO RESET HER EMOTIONS AND MIND. SHE NEEDS TIME TO DIGEST AND TIME TO THINK. SHE NEEDS TIME TO CRY. So dont push her!
Yes it takes strength and courage and you need you to keep your own head and emotions in check. Yes its tough but you can do it.
Take care -
Originally posted by supercharger:
Dear supercharger,
Now moving ahead, what you want to do is to take care of your immediate situation first. It appears that there are people who are relying on you. So if it means looking for a job, please do it immediately. Whether the job is the idea job or not, just do it bec you need some money coming in.
By doing this and taking responsibility again, you will not only help meet your immediate material needs but it will also give you a comforting sense of purpose that you are doing something.
What had happened in the past is very complex and damaging. It is a combination of serious breach of trust that took place over many years coupled with forged signature to obtain money and finally the present situation. From your wife's view, it is not so simple. What had happened cannot be seen in isolation. It must be seen as a whole.
but worse still you had kept vital info from her for such a long time plus the latest breach, it just says to her that hey... if he has been lying to me all this time about something so important, how much of what he has told me in the past can be trusted?
That is the most damaging part. the bit that she finds it hard to trust you, the suspicion! It is common and a natural part of the defence mechnism in every person to feel and react like this. It is alleying that suspicion that is difficult. So you have to do everythin above board, everything transparent, everything just that bit extra over a much longer time to convince anyone, and in this instance you wife that you are trustworthy.
So for now, you have to pick yourself up. Remember, you are picking yourself up not so you can win your wife back - yes I wish that for you too - but if that is your motivation you will not last 2 minutes in your attempt to pick yourself up. Its simple - when you do it for this motive of winning her back it is not likely to work bec the motivation is not genuine so when she remains unmoved for a period longer than you can tahan you will loose heart and hope and say its no use for me to do this anymore! so when you perceived that the reason for you to do it is lost bec she remains unresponsive, you will have next to zero motivation to pick yourself up.
you pick yourself up bec you need to do it for yourself. Its part of self acceptance and forgiveness. You need to pick yourself up bec ther are others depending on you. you need to pic yourself up bec you still have many years ahead and you dont want the present problem to taint your future!
If you have the opportunity, talk openly to her, like I said before, dont push her to say anything that you want to hear. let her tell it the way she will tell it. dont push her to do anything or forgive anything just talk plainly and openly Also please SHE NEEDS TIME TO RESET HER EMOTIONS AND MIND. SHE NEEDS TIME TO DIGEST AND TIME TO THINK. SHE NEEDS TIME TO CRY. So dont push her!
Take care[/b]
Thank you for taking time out to give such excellent advice... as always, it always just come a little too late...
Yes, indeed have to meet my immediate needs first... finally she has said that she will no longer be helping me financially, and she advised me to get a job fast, and after that all comms were shut off. No replies from her whatsoever... it seems that the only time an sms comes over is "how's your job search?" Well, I'll need to go to the factories and beg them for a job, and hopefully, they'll give me a job to do...
You have managed to succintly detailed what might my wife had gone through... and now I see the reason that she left... it makes me more disgusted with myself... it's no wonder that she mentioned that she can never ever imagine waking up beside me again...
For all I know, even all her friends are shunning me now, and they are "suddenly" very cold and unfriendly... shucks, even I have lost some mutual friends...
And yes, she always mention to me that I should be strong, not for her but for my family and myself... and it concurs what you are sharing......
As having an opportunity, it's zilch... no chance at all. Everytime we agreed to meet on a certain day, she will back out at the last moment... wonder what she is feeling and why she does that? So, will just have to let her be... now, a lot of conflicting advice here, some say msg her once a day, while some say if she doesn't contact you, then leave her be lor... but it is dangerous ... cos "out of sight, out of mind". so this is really causing me some headaches...
well, like I mentioned, this week could be a decisive week... at least, i hope to get a job to pay the bills, and let my mind off for a while.. let's hope the factories don't reject me... btw, anyone knows if they pay daily?
supercharger, you amaze me with the ability to feel what my wife is going through.. and I wonder if you have experience going through this ? Perhaps, you have more nuggets of advice to share, which I hope again that it doesn't come too late... if for whatever reasons you do not wish to share openly, please pte msg me... you will always be warmly welcomed.
Please take care.
Regularjoe -
Hi Regularjoe,
I am sorry to hear about what has happened. I can only hope that the little that i have put down was kinda relevant to you.
Regarding your wife shunning you for the time being, the whole thing is still fresh in her head. yes though it has been two months but a lot of things had changed in that 2 months compared to the 9 years she had known you and the 4 years that you are married.
From her perspective she really needs to digest what has happened and then come to a decision one way or another. she is likely to be in a depressed state of mind right now still trying to cope with the situation.
As you have already discovered, when you are seriously stressed, you can go through a lot of different emotions within 1 day from anger to sadness to fear to feeling of rejection to crying fits to disbelief, frustrations to hopelessness and confusion etc etc all mixed up and they occur in no particular order. She needs the time to sort out in her head and heart what she should do.
What she perceived herself to have suffered is not just the pain of lie but that she may through this whole process loose her marriage, her husband, her confidant, her friend etc strange as it may sound, even though she is the one that left but she will feel these same things as you would feel as well. The reason being that she is the other half in this marriage. So what you stand to loose she will also loose too.
I am not sure what her mind state is like at the moment so cannot really say what to do. But at this moment you should show that you respect her and her decisions, that you respect her personal space. You can initate contact but I am not sure if an sms everyday is a good idea at this moment.
What I think may be a better idea is to suggest that she seek some kind of professional counseling help to help her sort out her feelings and thoughts. I am not sure how open she is about this. Do you guys have any strong mutual friend or leader that you can rely on to be impartial and to offer a listening ear?
I wish I can do more but I am limited by lack of knowledge and wisdom and at the moment time constrain as well.
Take care. I hope to check back again soon. -
Hi supercharger,Originally posted by supercharger:As you have already discovered, when you are seriously stressed, you can go through a lot of different emotions within 1 day from anger to sadness to fear to feeling of rejection to crying fits to disbelief, frustrations to hopelessness and confusion etc etc all mixed up and they occur in no particular order. She needs the time to sort out in her head and heart what she should do.
What she perceived herself to have suffered is not just the pain of lie but that she may through this whole process loose her marriage, her husband, her confidant, her friend etc strange as it may sound, even though she is the one that left but she will feel these same things as you would feel as well. The reason being that she is the other half in this marriage. So what you stand to loose she will also loose too.
What I think may be a better idea is to suggest that she seek some kind of professional counseling help to help her sort out her feelings and thoughts. I am not sure how open she is about this. Do you guys have any strong mutual friend or leader that you can rely on to be impartial and to offer a listening ear?
I wish I can do more but I am limited by lack of knowledge and wisdom and at the moment time constrain as well.
Take care. I hope to check back again soon.
Thank you for crystallizing all these emotions, now I am beginning to understand things in her perspective... This statement "The reason being that she is the other half in this marriage. So what you stand to loose she will also loose too." brings tears ...
Unfortunately, all her friends are against me now... so she must have told them what I did to her... so really not much help from friends, while going to a counsellor is definitely out of the question...
While, had the gd fortune that she picked up my call yesterday and spoke at random for 3 mins... told her went for job interview and she asked me "How much are they paying?"... told her a range and later comms shut down again... end of call. But I am thankful just for this 3 precious minutes... the fact she picks up my call already thrills me...
Supercharger, you seem to have a wise head on young shoulders... saying that you are lacking in wisdom is a huge understatement... I like the way you put your views across.. and I hope that those silent readers out there can benefit from your views as well...
As always, looking forward to your next post...
Regularjoe -
Regularjoe,
how are thgs with your wife? hope you have reconciled with her, cannot blame her for telling her frens..women are like that, they like to confide in their closest frens on such BGR - boy girl relationship matters and marital matter
of course, they want to garner as much support from their frens as possible, wat you need now is to show her your sincerity and involve her in major decisions.....
maybe you can write to her? -
Dear all,Originally posted by armygirl:Regularjoe,
how are thgs with your wife? hope you have reconciled with her, cannot blame her for telling her frens..women are like that, they like to confide in their closest frens on such BGR - boy girl relationship matters and marital matter
of course, they want to garner as much support from their frens as possible, wat you need now is to show her your sincerity and involve her in major decisions.....
maybe you can write to her?
This saga has finally come to a close.
I have just met my wife this evening, and she is determined to seek a divorce. She wants the flat sold quickly, so that the divorce proceedings will not be so messy.
From the short conversation with her, I can understand why she made the decision; the hurt of being betrayed, and she couldn't see a future with me, not when after even selling the flat, I still have debts outstanding.
The flat should find a buyer in these 2 weeks, and the sale should be finalized in March 05. That's when divorce proceedings will take place. I foresee the only way out for me is that suddenly someone offers me a 30k loan with token interest charged to repay the rest of the debts... then perhaps my marriage could be saved. Any kind soul out there? Anyone to start a save Joe's marriage campaign?
The only comfort I got was this statement: "I still care for you, let me know when you have gotten a job."
The pain, hurt and regrets and the wonderful memories will forever live on in my heart.
These 2 painful months, this forum has been an oasis for a wretched soul like mine. I had many wonderful advice and encouragement from forumers, strangers I do not know. I encourage those of you who are in this predicament to open up your hearts here, to seek a little peace, understanding and encouragement... believe me, it does a lot for you.
armygirl, I do not know what is your situation, but please talk to your hubby, and ask your hubby to listen to you... you must start a two way communication now...
I wish for all the love and care you wonderful people deserves... cling on and treasure your loved ones...
Regularjoe -
armygirl, i have pmed you, not sure if you received as the pc suddenly hang...
-
Hi,
sorry to hear of the development.
I am not sure what to say.
I understand the hurt and the pain that you are experiencing now. Its certainly something that you dont even wish it on your worst enemies.
I guess for the time being the only thing to do is really to ensure that you continue to remain healthy by sleeping enough hours and eating properly. Once you have these 2 things sorted out your body and mind will allow you to continue to fight for what you want - financial freedom and to rebuild whatever you can of your relationship. So staying healthy is now even more important than ever.
Hope you get a job soon, that will not only provide you with the much needed $ but also gives you some distractions and at the same time something to focus on so that your mind will not continue to wander. What may be damaging for your emotional health at this moment is if you do not having something worthwhile to focus on.
So dont let your mind wander about and go into an argument within your own head about the possibilities and what you would have done different and the maybes and the regrets etc. You recognise your error. You have asked God for forgiveness, you have repented now forgive yourself and not continue beating yourself to death. Like we discussed before, there is a difference between recognising repenting regreting and not allowing yourself to be forgiven and keep beating yourself. The former is healthy the latter not. The latter is something that we use to actually make ourselves feel "good" by punishing ourselves with guilt and pain. Sure we will always feel bad. That is only natural but the question is for how long and how do we handle this regrets? If we allow it to grow and grow without learning any lessons from it without repenting and forgiving ourselves, it may consume us bit by bit. If we dont take an active step to deal with this, it becomes sort of like a compensatory mechanism that we use to make us feel "good" in the sense that we know that we have done wrong and deserves to be punished and so we punish ourselves and in doing so, we kinda feel good bec we have not escape the justice of being punished. sorry I wish I can describe it better but I hope you know what I mean.
Anyway, some people do not allow themselves to move beyond the punishment stage. This will not bring any lasting change but as you may recognise in some people they made a mistake years before and they are still beating themselves up over and over and over. In time, you have to move on. Recognise the fact that we make mistakes, small and big ones! some are not so costly others are so expensive that we can ill afford to make but we are humans and we do make mistakes. regrets without forgiving yourself ie the beating yourself up will often not lead to any long term change within yourselve so it is not a good thing to do.
So the first thing to do is to do something constructive with your time and your energy. This will then help you not to allow your mind to wander and wonder. With something useful and beneficial to do and focus your mind on, you will be able to move on and recover better.
Concerning counseling, it will be great if your wife will agree to go for counseling to help her sort out her emotions and all the confused tots. Good if you can go together but not necessary. what she needs right now is to somehow clear the load that is in her heart and mind. The same goes for yourself, if you can go talk to someone as well. Call the numbers like the Samaritans and ask them if they know of any counseling services that you or your wife can attend.
In the mean time, keep in touch with your wife. dont be pushy. show her by your own actions and the change in yourself (genuine change) that you are taking responsibilities for your FUTURE. Remember all this has to come from within you and motivated by your genuine desire to take hold of your future and that will power you on. Otherwise, if your motivation is purely her alone, and when she does not respond like we discuss the last time, you will become discouraged and will stop thereby plunging yourself deeper into depression.
I know its alot to do and it does take a heck of a lot of energy to keep up. That is why you need to regulate your vegetative function of sleeping and eating right. That will be the baseline to provide you with that foundation to do what you need to do to sort out your current state!
It is unfortunate that as this is a written forum it has all the limitation of the written word. As such, I hope that what I have set out above is not too muddled and is of some use to you. I hope the prinicples I have set out isnt too vague and also please dont expect yourself to bounce back and recover immediately. It will take time for you to cry your own heart out and to sort out your own emotions and thoughts. So dont give yourself unrealistic expectations and pressure. take it easy and move at a pace that you are comfortable with.
Take care. -
Regular Joe,
I see u've had plenty of gd advice, so I'll only ans the part of ur qn in Bold...
I'm speaking from personal experience, so this might Not be wat ur wifey's thinking, juz my own personal speculation.
I had an ex, we almost got married. After we broke up, he'd ask me out. Usu I'd sez yesh cosh I cldn't bear to turn him down. But as the day to meet him approached, I started to get cold feet. Why?
1. Fear: Will he ask me to go back to him when I noe the ans will be No? Will the scene turn ugly in public?
-- In reality, he never asked me to go back, but he'd write me mushy emails & SMS. When I told him tt I wasn't gonna meet him cosh he wasn't yet over the breakup (a few days before, I'd rec'd a mushy email), he insisted tt he was over it, & tt I was accusing him, etc etc. See how ugly thgs get?
2. Fear: Will my presence prevent him from focusing on wat he shd do, in this case, move on?
-- In reality, when I met him once, soon enuff, there wld be another request to meet.
3. Fear: I dun feel a thg for him anymore, but I can't tolerate the look in his eyes.
4. Fear: After I meet him, he wun leave me in peace.
-- In reality, he left me to myself after a huge bust-up over me seeing somebody else. U see, he thot I still had a thg for him cosh of my meeting him, even tho I told him we were frens.
5. Disgust: Cld I haf actually fallen for such a guy?!
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:
Dear supercharger,
Thank you for taking time out to give such excellent advice... as always, it always just come a little too late...
Yes, indeed have to meet my immediate needs first... finally she has said that she will no longer be helping me financially, and she advised me to get a job fast, and after that all comms were shut off. No replies from her whatsoever... it seems that the only time an sms comes over is "how's your job search?" Well, I'll need to go to the factories and beg them for a job, and hopefully, they'll give me a job to do...
You have managed to succintly detailed what might my wife had gone through... and now I see the reason that she left... it makes me more disgusted with myself... it's no wonder that she mentioned that she can never ever imagine waking up beside me again...
For all I know, even all her friends are shunning me now, and they are "suddenly" very cold and unfriendly... shucks, even I have lost some mutual friends...
And yes, she always mention to me that I should be strong, not for her but for my family and myself... and it concurs what you are sharing......
As having an opportunity, it's zilch... no chance at all. Everytime we agreed to meet on a certain day, she will back out at the last moment... [b]wonder what she is feeling and why she does that? So, will just have to let her be... now, a lot of conflicting advice here, some say msg her once a day, while some say if she doesn't contact you, then leave her be lor... but it is dangerous ... cos "out of sight, out of mind". so this is really causing me some headaches...
well, like I mentioned, this week could be a decisive week... at least, i hope to get a job to pay the bills, and let my mind off for a while.. let's hope the factories don't reject me... btw, anyone knows if they pay daily?
supercharger, you amaze me with the ability to feel what my wife is going through.. and I wonder if you have experience going through this ? Perhaps, you have more nuggets of advice to share, which I hope again that it doesn't come too late... if for whatever reasons you do not wish to share openly, please pte msg me... you will always be warmly welcomed.
Please take care.
Regularjoe[/b] -
Hi RJ,
So sorry to hear of wat has happened between u & ur wifey. Even if someone loans u the S$30K wif token interest to repay ur debts, it probably wun save ur marriage. It isn't juz abt the $, it's abt a trust broken. And the severity of wat u've done means ur wifey probably can't come to terms wif it... She can't be blamed in this situation, it'll probably take yrs for her to forgive u totally, & another few yrs for her to bury the pain into the deepest recesses of her mind.
Ev. thg happens for a purpose, perhaps this serves as 1 of the harshest lessons of ur life, so tt in future, u'll never ever repeat the same mistake. U never noe: mebbi in future, she'll come back to u? Or u may find someone who'll accept u despite ur past (which shall remain in the past & never be repeated)?
Perhaps she juz needs quiet time to think, so tt her emotions wun cloud her mind, & she can look @ u objectively. Sometimes our hearts tend to rationalise & find reasons to justify a loved ones behaviour. Maintaining her distance is a sensible thg to do. And u haf her word tt she still cares alot abt u, tt's really a bonus, cosh most wifeys wun wanna haf anythg to do wif u, ever again.
Sort out ur life 1st, RJ, before u try to think for 2 again. If u love her so much, sort out all financial problems u haf, so tt she wun hafta worree anymore.
I'm always ard AA, so do keep in touch & keep me updated abt ur life.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:
Dear all,
This saga has finally come to a close.
I have just met my wife this evening, and she is determined to seek a divorce. She wants the flat sold quickly, so that the divorce proceedings will not be so messy.
From the short conversation with her, I can understand why she made the decision; the hurt of being betrayed, and she couldn't see a future with me, not when after even selling the flat, I still have debts outstanding.
The flat should find a buyer in these 2 weeks, and the sale should be finalized in March 05. That's when divorce proceedings will take place. I foresee the only way out for me is that suddenly someone offers me a 30k loan with token interest charged to repay the rest of the debts... then perhaps my marriage could be saved. [b]Any kind soul out there? Anyone to start a save Joe's marriage campaign?
The only comfort I got was this statement: "I still care for you, let me know when you have gotten a job."
The pain, hurt and regrets and the wonderful memories will forever live on in my heart.
These 2 painful months, this forum has been an oasis for a wretched soul like mine. I had many wonderful advice and encouragement from forumers, strangers I do not know. I encourage those of you who are in this predicament to open up your hearts here, to seek a little peace, understanding and encouragement... believe me, it does a lot for you.
armygirl, I do not know what is your situation, but please talk to your hubby, and ask your hubby to listen to you... you must start a two way communication now...
I wish for all the love and care you wonderful people deserves... cling on and treasure your loved ones...
Regularjoe
[/b] -
Dear all,
I've found a job at last!
Today, I've just been informed that I've been accepted for a permanent posting to Vietnam. Will be leaving in Jan 05.
While happy to have this opportunity, sad that accepting this will mean having a prolonged period away from my wife. This would mean a recociliation with her is almost zero now... though in the first place, I already know that is so...
I called to share with her the news, but she was angry that I am dumping all the admin hassles of the sale of the flat to her... but in the same breath, she metioned that she will not want to be blamed for me losing my job... sigh... I've never blamed her for my previous job loss...
Well, this indeed seems like a fresh start... and I hope things turn out fine... looking at it, I'll only be in Singapore for around 1 mths + per year.. so it's really a drastic new start... in a foreign land facing the unknown...
I don't know how my wife will cope with this.. but I'm determined to, for once, live for myself...
RegularjoeOriginally posted by FeowFeow:Hi RJ,
So sorry to hear of wat has happened between u & ur wifey. Even if someone loans u the S$30K wif token interest to repay ur debts, it probably wun save ur marriage. It isn't juz abt the $, it's abt a trust broken. And the severity of wat u've done means ur wifey probably can't come to terms wif it... She can't be blamed in this situation, it'll probably take yrs for her to forgive u totally, & another few yrs for her to bury the pain into the deepest recesses of her mind.
Ev. thg happens for a purpose, perhaps this serves as 1 of the harshest lessons of ur life, so tt in future, u'll never ever repeat the same mistake. U never noe: mebbi in future, she'll come back to u? Or u may find someone who'll accept u despite ur past (which shall remain in the past & never be repeated)?
Perhaps she juz needs quiet time to think, so tt her emotions wun cloud her mind, & she can look @ u objectively. Sometimes our hearts tend to rationalise & find reasons to justify a loved ones behaviour. Maintaining her distance is a sensible thg to do. And u haf her word tt she still cares alot abt u, tt's really a bonus, cosh most wifeys wun wanna haf anythg to do wif u, ever again.
Sort out ur life 1st, RJ, before u try to think for 2 again. If u love her so much, sort out all financial problems u haf, so tt she wun hafta worree anymore.
I'm always ard AA, so do keep in touch & keep me updated abt ur life.
FeowFeow -
Something meaningful to share with all...
And yes...
"Merry X'mas and A Happy New Year !!!"
Sometimes,we all have to feel alone
and frightened before we can appreciate
the life that surrounds us.
Life changes as we grow,and we must
learn to accept this.The more we
learn,the more we grow.
Hurting,being scared,feeling alone,and
crying are part of the learning
process;understanding our feelings
makes life challenging and rewarding.
Going through difficult times makes you
who you are.
You have taken one of the most
significant steps you will ever have to.
Enter each new day telling yourself that
you deserve to smile.
Enter each new day believing that you
can make someone else smile
inside,because you are a beautiful
person.
Your kind of beauty is inside you,and it
fills the world with your
presence.People
can feel that.
Be happy;your whole life is ahead of
you.
It is your life,your chance to be who and
what you want to be... -
Vietnam?? That sure is far ain't it Joe?
But since you've made your choice, i wish you all the best...
Be safe, and remember to update us once a while!
Good luck and take care! -
Originally posted by regularjoe:Dear all,
I've found a job at last!
Today, I've just been informed that I've been accepted for a permanent posting to Vietnam. Will be leaving in Jan 05.
While happy to have this opportunity, sad that accepting this will mean having a prolonged period away from my wife. This would mean a recociliation with her is almost zero now... though in the first place, I already know that is so...
I called to share with her the news, but she was angry that I am dumping all the admin hassles of the sale of the flat to her... but in the same breath, she metioned that she will not want to be blamed for me losing my job... sigh... I've never blamed her for my previous job loss...
Well, this indeed seems like a fresh start... and I hope things turn out fine... looking at it, I'll only be in Singapore for around 1 mths + per year.. so it's really a drastic new start... in a foreign land facing the unknown...
Regularjoe,
army girl here, you have to be strong and make a good start in the foreign land, its going to be very painful and i understand how painful it was when my husband went over there, he cried while he was there
and he is that type very strong one, my inlaws threw him in singapore when he was ten years old and he had been left to fend for himself since young and yet he cldnt take the loneliness at the beginning
but now developed countries have less opportunities, developing countries are the ones whom we are encouraged to go. just take it as a new chance
vietnam is very near by and i dun know if you need visa, there are singaporeans working there also maybe you can meet up with them regularly and also you can come back often (if you save up enough) maybe even once a month over the wkend....
I don't know how my wife will cope with this.. but I'm determined to, for once, live for myself...
Regularjoe -
My relative is in the same situation as u.
Went into bankruptcy from credit card & shares speculation.
Lost his high paying job, car, had to borrow from relatives, sold his flat & downgrade.
Was jobless for more than a yr. depending on wife to support his mum & kid.
Luckily he got a job as relief taxi driver.
Now he is slowly paying off his debt. Gave up gambling even 4-D.
He is now very hardworking & even give her some money to save.
U can do so also. Pull yourself together.
Start from scratch & work hard to slowly clear yr debts. -
Thanks armygirl...Originally posted by armygirl:
Dear all,
I know the loneliness, but it is the furthest thing from my mind. I will probably work myself to death there. And anyway, I've been alone for the past 3 months, so good training ground.
Like everyone said, it's going to be tough at the beginning... but if I can make it through the first 4 months, I should be ok.
Just had a talk with my wife this evening. She told me that this is a good chance for me to make money to pay the debts, so should grab it. Again, she mentioned that is definite that we are finished, but because we had been a couple for so long, she did not want things to turn ugly, so she still occassionally answers my calls. She did warn me about the gals over in vietnam, cos we singaporean guys are loaded in their eyes. I dun despair so much now about the inevitable divorce... but ine question keeps nagging me... why dun my wife initiate divorce proceedings then?. She had a lot of friends calling her stupid to have loan money to me, and encourages her to make hell for me by telling my parents what I did to her and asking for money back. I was shocked; these could be people I've spoken to before or even had meals together before...
My wife stuck to her own guns; but she said that by doing so, I now owe her favours... She is already weakening from her stance that I need not pay her any money from the sales proceeds of the flat; her stance now is take your time to do so...
well, no matter what happens, going to a developing country is a big big challenge, but there's where also opportunities lie.... so we'll see how things go...
I'm not sure how often I can log in after I go over, but will definitely try to update you guys... -
Divorce certainly means the end of a marriage ,but it seems in your case, it does not mean the end of love,however one-sided it may seem.
If you really want to get her back,you should really pull yourself together first,maybe achieve something finacially or be financially stable.you got to face the fact that your wife is probably feeling some sort of resentment towards you,but they will subside over time.so, maintain contact,but dont expect anything happening for a few months or so.give it a year or two,repay her emptional debts back,and most important of all,remain in contact.who knows?maybe another year down the road,you might probably be marrying her once again.in other words, all is not lost.
but that just my opinion. -
Hi gerrykoh,Originally posted by gerrykoh:My relative is in the same situation as u.
Went into bankruptcy from credit card & shares speculation.
Lost his high paying job, car, had to borrow from relatives, sold his flat & downgrade.
Was jobless for more than a yr. depending on wife to support his mum & kid.
Luckily he got a job as relief taxi driver.
Now he is slowly paying off his debt. Gave up gambling even 4-D.
He is now very hardworking & even give her some money to save.
U can do so also. Pull yourself together.
Start from scratch & work hard to slowly clear yr debts.
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear what has happened to your relative, and believe me, it is never an easy time.
I faced all he has gone through, job loss, sold flat, borrow from parents, relatives and friends, plus I lost my wife....
however, i am fortunate that i am not a bankrupt yet...
it's great to hear that he's changed for the better...
what's most important is for his family to forgive him and that he be truly repentant... the rest will fall into place by themselves...
thanks, i am slowly picking up the pieces again...
Regualrjoe -
Thanks ahpeh, for your post.Originally posted by ahpeh:Divorce certainly means the end of a marriage ,but it seems in your case, it does not mean the end of love,however one-sided it may seem.
If you really want to get her back,you should really pull yourself together first,maybe achieve something finacially or be financially stable.you got to face the fact that your wife is probably feeling some sort of resentment towards you,but they will subside over time.so, maintain contact,but dont expect anything happening for a few months or so.give it a year or two,repay her emptional debts back,and most important of all,remain in contact.who knows?maybe another year down the road,you might probably be marrying her once again.in other words, all is not lost.
but that just my opinion.
Indeed, the hurt felt by my wife has turned into resentment, and rightly so too... but i'm ready to take watever hatred is thrown my way, cos I brought it upon myself... she mentioned last night that the trust is completely destroyed.. hence no chance of getting back together, and she doesn't trust man now...
so you are right that love is pretty one-sided now... however, I will persevere... and like what she mentioned before, everyone is watching how I get out of this...
this overseas posting is an opportunity I must make good use of... for the experience, money and for learning and growing...
thanks for giving me hope... yes, I'll certainly not push her into anything... for that would only be suicidal...
Regularjoe -
Today, met my wife again, and ended up hurt all over again...
She told me to let her know when I will be back in Sin for a break so that she can prepare for the divorce proceedings... and when I mentioned that I do not want to let this marriage go just like this, she mentioned again "You forged my signature, isn't there enough grounds?" Do you really want me to also enforce criminal proceedings?" I told her that I am really sorry and I'm prepared to face whatever comes my way. She said" Why don't you just walk to the police station now?"
I was actually totally shocked by this. My heart was completely chilled when I saw the amount of hatred she had...
Another thing, she metioned that all this while she had been living alone in a rented flat, and not with her parents. She told me that all her friends told her not to tell me, but she see no harm telling me now... In addition, she told me to lay off all her friends and family... even mutual friends...
Really sad... I can call up mutual friends and wish them Merry X'mas... yet they call my wife and told my wife they felt "funny and uncomfortable" that I called them...
She even insinuate that I am setting her up for something bad when I had to resort to a Power Of Attorney as I am going overseas soon and is not able to attend the sales session for the flat. Geezz... and also that I had destroyed her retirement plans because other couples have their joint accounts and their own investments...
Today was a day of mauling, and to top it off, she sent me a sms taht says"Forget it, it's over between us. I love the high life and I'm proud of it."
Really a heart breaking day... -
RJ,
It wld actually be a gd idea for u to seek some form of counselling, & ur wifey too. The outbursts against u & her emotions may better be explained by a professional counsellor, or @ least someone who's been counselling others for many yrs.
The hatred described by u, cld be a manifestation of the deep anger & sadness @ the betrayal. Her frens cld oso haf influenced her to feel even more anger towards u. This is further evidenced by her frens influencing her choice Not to tell u of her place of lodging.
Try to put this behind u, & work hard in ur new job. It's hard to do, but u'll feel all the more proud after achieving ur goals.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:Today, met my wife again, and ended up hurt all over again...
She told me to let her know when I will be back in Sin for a break so that she can prepare for the divorce proceedings... and when I mentioned that I do not want to let this marriage go just like this, she mentioned again "You forged my signature, isn't there enough grounds?" Do you really want me to also enforce criminal proceedings?" I told her that I am really sorry and I'm prepared to face whatever comes my way. She said" Why don't you just walk to the police station now?"
I was actually totally shocked by this. My heart was completely chilled when I saw the amount of hatred she had...
Another thing, she metioned that all this while she had been living alone in a rented flat, and not with her parents. She told me that all her friends told her not to tell me, but she see no harm telling me now... In addition, she told me to lay off all her friends and family... even mutual friends...
Really sad... I can call up mutual friends and wish them Merry X'mas... yet they call my wife and told my wife they felt "funny and uncomfortable" that I called them...
She even insinuate that I am setting her up for something bad when I had to resort to a Power Of Attorney as I am going overseas soon and is not able to attend the sales session for the flat. Geezz... and also that I had destroyed her retirement plans because other couples have their joint accounts and their own investments...
Today was a day of mauling, and to top it off, she sent me a sms taht says"Forget it, it's over between us. I love the high life and I'm proud of it."
Really a heart breaking day... -
Right, I am detaching myself from this gradually... I am starting my life anew andit feels great, suddenly things feel more optimistic... have even managed to make a few new friends ...Originally posted by FeowFeow:RJ,
It wld actually be a gd idea for u to seek some form of counselling, & ur wifey too. The outbursts against u & her emotions may better be explained by a professional counsellor, or @ least someone who's been counselling others for many yrs.
The hatred described by u, cld be a manifestation of the deep anger & sadness @ the betrayal. Her frens cld oso haf influenced her to feel even more anger towards u. This is further evidenced by her frens influencing her choice Not to tell u of her place of lodging.
Try to put this behind u, & work hard in ur new job. It's hard to do, but u'll feel all the more proud after achieving ur goals.
FeowFeow
I understand now what it means to move ahead and not continue to self despair... there is certainly no wrong if one has committed a mistake, asked for forgiveness sincerely, repent and move on...
I have already accepted the fact that I might no longer be able to salvage the marriage, but that does not mean that I will stop trying... and the best strategy is to get myself out of this rut and feel alive again...
these baby steps are important, and they are fraught with obstacles and traps... but once surmounted.. I should be able to run... and there's when life will start to get exciting again...
Kiasu a bit... Here's wishing everyone here a Happy New Year!!!
Cheers! -
*smiles*
For your sake, I do hope that you'll succeed : ) Mebbi u can consider giving urself & her some space to get over the hurt & move on? It's always difficult to meet, esp. when emotions run deep...
Let urself haf some time : ) And a Happee New Yr to u too!
FeowFeowOriginally posted by regularjoe:
Right, I am detaching myself from this gradually... I am starting my life anew andit feels great, suddenly things feel more optimistic... have even managed to make a few new friends ...
I understand now what it means to move ahead and not continue to self despair... there is certainly no wrong if one has committed a mistake, asked for forgiveness sincerely, repent and move on...
I have already accepted the fact that I might no longer be able to salvage the marriage, but that does not mean that I will stop trying... and the best strategy is to get myself out of this rut and feel alive again...
these baby steps are important, and they are fraught with obstacles and traps... but once surmounted.. I should be able to run... and there's when life will start to get exciting again...
Kiasu a bit... [b]Here's wishing everyone here a Happy New Year!!!
Cheers!
[/b] -
Tell her to be thankful that at least you are not cheating in your marriage.Originally posted by regularjoe:Hi, I chanced upon this forum, and decided to open up my heart here.
I met my wife 9 years, and we got married 4 years ago. We were quite happily married, but I was hiding a dark secret from her, I was heavily in debt from stock market losses. My debts were rising quickly, till I had problems servicing it. Out of desperation, I took out some loans in my wife's name (means forging her signature). But no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to clear them.
In Oct this year, I finally had enough. I came clean about my debts. My wife was shocked. What was worse was that she found out I forged her signature before I can tell her. She was livid. She packed her bags and left home 2 weeks later.
It's been 2 months since she left home. She has told me that it is impossible for her to trust anyone again, and I have wasted her youth, and destroyed her dreams. She mentioned that we are finished.
I had apologised to her, her parents and have sought for forgiveness. That was the only thing I did wrong in the last 9 years, and i really regretted it. I only committed the folly out of desperation. Why can't she forgive me?
Also, she said that there was no chance for us to get back together, yet she is not taking any actions to serve me the divorce petition.. why is that so? Could that mean that there is a ray of hope for me?
I love her too dearly to let her go, but I know she has been hurt terribly. What can I do to remedy this situation?
I hope for some sincere sharing here...
Many thanks.