what is he trying to imply?
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he got a few prob that affects him a lot(shall keep them confidential).. he's dat kind dat dun like his love ones to worry for him kind dats why sometimes these prob he'll keep it all to himself.. but recently he started to open up a bit so i'm giving him all the support i haf...Originally posted by Devil1976:How old are the both of you?
Horoscopes?
Is he currently experiencing other problems from his life? -
Thanks for the advice.. i dun think it's third party involved maybe he needed some room to breathe.. now the thing is to get him more motivated to be involved in activities.. any suggestions?Originally posted by fairlady04:hi, i encountered something like this last year. My bf suddenly felt very sian. we always quarreled over trivial things. got irritated by my slightest action or words. Then he asked for a cooling down period. It was very bad then. I felt helpless and desperate cos there were a lot of considerations. We got a car and house together. So breaking up also meant a lot of financial problems. Of cos, the relationship was very important too.
My friends asked me to read 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. There is a chapter there that talked abt men are like rubberbands. u cannot stretch it too far, or it will snap. But if u allow it to stretch far enuf, it will come back to original place.
true enuf, he became better after a mth. It was a painful 1 mth for me, cos i heard all sorts of stories of him with other girls. But he was willing to salvage the relationship when i threatened to break up for good. I realised that it was a depression, a low period when he felt suffocated by me, a phase he got to get over. some guys have it, some guys dun.
he felt that i was too dependent on him. he had no room to breathe. he felt that he could not go out with his friends cos i will be angry/sad/lonely. he felt that he needed sometime alone to think our r'ship thru. and at the end of it, he felt that he still loves me. so all ends well. we tried to patch back bit by bit after 1 mth, it was awkward at 1st. but bit by bit, we are back to normal. we picked up a sport together, and become closer to each other. after 6 mths, we are stronger than ever. 2 mths ago, we got married.
i dunno how true that is for ur bf, bcos it may well be a 3rd party. but u shld sit down and talk. If it wasnt a 3rd party, i dare say he will be alright after a while. and if it is a 3rd party, then wats the point of holding on? feelings have changed. he has betrayed u. he had moved on, so shld u. -
As you can't share his problems, won't be able to advise much...Originally posted by ~joy~:he got a few prob that affects him a lot(shall keep them confidential).. he's dat kind dat dun like his love ones to worry for him kind dats why sometimes these prob he'll keep it all to himself.. but recently he started to open up a bit so i'm giving him all the support i haf...
Perhaps you should give him some space? Don't over bother him... But don't forget to spend relaxing moments with him too... It should help at least a bit... -
I really think you should turn the table around.Originally posted by ~joy~:we did tok abt our near future like getting married and stuff.. but both of us are still studying.. i tried to tok about him but most of the time when i try to tok to him on the phone he'll always be doing something else or sound quite sian.. so end up i'm doing most of the toking.. he'll only be most engaged in the conversation when he's on his bed trying to get to sleep soon.. so sometimes we dun get to tok much..
besides he dun like to tok much abt himself... if i ask him more questions, it'll gif him the idea like i'm questioning him and not trying to engage a conversation.. and dat will piss him off.. bu thte thing is i'm trying my best to understand more of him and to make the conversation more engaging..
as for sharing their hobby interest, i'm fine wif all the things he like to do.. i make an effort to learn more abt it.. even things like fishing for crabs, prawns, watching soccer etc(many are the no no for gals).. partly becos i like this kind of activities too.. but it's juz dun seem to work.. he prefer very much doing all these wif his frens.. when it comes to me, he'll most prob be sleeping or playing wif his com.. even if we go out, mostly it'll end up wif his frens joining us.. i dun mind but throughout the outing he'll be more engaged wif his frens.. so i felt like i turn out to be a burden to him..
He is simply taking you for granted and your relationship is starting to get moldy. People tends to take the ones that are always there for them for granted. This is because, you are always there.
U see.. a courtship is like tango, he takes a step towards you.. you take a step back.. and when you take a step forward, he will take a step back. But if you are in a relationship where both of you or just one of you is standing while the other is trying hard to tango.. I seriously doubt you can enjoy the dance.
Well.. please proceed to retreat slowlyand PLEASE.. stop being weak. Telling yourself that you can't loose him cause you love him too much won't help either. Take a step back and stop worrying. Start changing some aspect of your live, your prespectives and take it easy.
If you do retreat slowly, and later found out that the situation is out of your expectation, ie. there's a 3rd party.. or that he initiate a break up, you will at least not feel that bad. Go and get yourself more friends.. and more activities AND STOP REVOLVING your world around him. If he doesn't like you revolving around him, you will somehow appears to be an irritating fly pestering him.
You may like to ask him if he notices that you are feeling sad lately. If no, well, you can just proceed to distance yourself a step at a time till he notices and wants to get you back. If yes, ask him if he knows why. If he ekpt insisting you to tell him why you ask this question and doesn't know why.. well, just tell him you are feeling miserable about your relationship.. if and only if when you and him are ready to discuss this issue.. calmly.
Good luck -
Hmm...i dunno wat type of sports/hobbies u or he likes. Is he good at any sports? it will be easier if he is the sporty type, and u two can pick up the same sport and play on a regular basis. but i must stress that: he must be willing and proactive in this too. There is no happiness if u sort of push him and he is not willing. this may even aggravate the situation.Originally posted by ~joy~:Thanks for the advice.. i dun think it's third party involved maybe he needed some room to breathe.. now the thing is to get him more motivated to be involved in activities.. any suggestions?
it may also be better if u let him cool off for a short period of 2-4 weeks first. When i meant cool-off, it is like meetups only once fortnightly, plus one call or few smses per day. let him reassess his life, wat he wants to do and how well he copes w/o u.
absence does make the heart fonder. -
THAT's the prtoblem.Originally posted by ~joy~:trying to do the things the way he like
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wat problem is dat?Originally posted by o(O.o)o:THAT's the prtoblem. -
he notices when i'm feeling low.. and will come ask me abt it i felt he got a bit over sensitive.. as in like sometimes once i din smile or be hyper he'll think i'm sad which is untrue cos sometimes i'm juz too tired and it's quite impossible for me to be hyper or keep smiling for every moment... becos of this mis-interpretation, he gets upset too..when i explain why i didn't smile, he kind of dun believe..Originally posted by aH_v:You may like to ask him if he notices that you are feeling sad lately. If no, well, you can just proceed to distance yourself a step at a time till he notices and wants to get you back. If yes, ask him if he knows why. If he ekpt insisting you to tell him why you ask this question and doesn't know why.. well, just tell him you are feeling miserable about your relationship.. if and only if when you and him are ready to discuss this issue.. calmly.
Good luck -
You know... he is kinda like loving you but a different you. The you that he loves is kinda painted by his idealistic of how a relationship should be.
Forget about everything that has been advised by any of us here in and let's be honest and ask yourself these...
What do you want out of this relationship?
And what does he wants out of this relationship?
Can you accept who he is or do you want to change him? Vice versa, does he really knows what you need and wants?
The way I look at it. This is rather a very simple problem.
1. Your communication with him seems to went out of tune. Are you being honest about your feelings on this relationship issue with him??
2. He has not been able to satisfy your need for his attentions, which has gradually increase.
3. You has forgotten who you are since you have been revolving around him too much.
Whatever you do now seems to be beating around the bush. Why are you walking in circles?
Admit it that there's nothing much about you that will interest him, and forget about what will he thinks, if he will like it or will this make him angry and so on.. GO DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO WITHOUT HIM TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.
Try it for a few weeks.. and if he ever wants to find out what you have been up to... while, you have succeeded in getting his attention back. -
haha..actually i also like tis...not everytime but stm...but i still love my gf...act. i don reali know whther i stil love her or not.
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kind of contradicting.. guys who behave this way cant decide wat they really want?Originally posted by $e@wEeD:haha..actually i also like tis...not everytime but stm...but i still love my gf...act. i don reali know whther i stil love her or not. -
thanks for the advice..Originally posted by aH_v:You know... he is kinda like loving you but a different you. The you that he loves is kinda painted by his idealistic of how a relationship should be.
Forget about everything that has been advised by any of us here in and let's be honest and ask yourself these...
What do you want out of this relationship?
And what does he wants out of this relationship?
Can you accept who he is or do you want to change him? Vice versa, does he really knows what you need and wants?
The way I look at it. This is rather a very simple problem.
1. Your communication with him seems to went out of tune. Are you being honest about your feelings on this relationship issue with him??
2. He has not been able to satisfy your need for his attentions, which has gradually increase.
3. You has forgotten who you are since you have been revolving around him too much.
Whatever you do now seems to be beating around the bush. Why are you walking in circles?
Admit it that there's nothing much about you that will interest him, and forget about what will he thinks, if he will like it or will this make him angry and so on.. GO DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO WITHOUT HIM TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.
Try it for a few weeks.. and if he ever wants to find out what you have been up to... while, you have succeeded in getting his attention back.
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maybe there's a communication problem, because there should exist enough trust between a couple that whatever 1 says is exactly what's meant. this can be achieved by calm and transparent discussion of major problems and eliminating fear of possible quarrelsOriginally posted by ~joy~:he notices when i'm feeling low.. and will come ask me abt it i felt he got a bit over sensitive.. as in like sometimes once i din smile or be hyper he'll think i'm sad which is untrue cos sometimes i'm juz too tired and it's quite impossible for me to be hyper or keep smiling for every moment... becos of this mis-interpretation, he gets upset too..when i explain why i didn't smile, he kind of dun believe..
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Originally posted by boy in blues:
this is one thing i find it hard to eliminate in him.. dats y i need some advices.. or even experiences that can be shared so as to use them for illustrations..
eliminating fear of possible quarrels[/b] -
he juz needs SEXOriginally posted by ~joy~:what is ur bf trying to imply when he keeps getting agitated by things u did, get real crossed at little things, felt that it's a chore to send u home, go out wif u. dun tell u interesting incidents but will willingly share among frens and family, happier when hanging out wif frens but when wif u, put on a sulky and sian face.. he's tired of me?
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maybe everytime 'eat' @ hm sianz le..Originally posted by adam N eve:he juz needs SEX
hv to 'eat' outside. As long don't 'ta bao' hm can le
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it mean that he is getting tired of you and want to break up with u leh
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He still loves u, just that as a man, he feels that he shld not make his gal worry, upset and so on. He shld make her happy.Originally posted by ~joy~:i did try to tok to him abt it.. in fact juz like 2 days back... i ask him why he behaving like this.. the thing is he try to hide it and deny.. it's hard for him to tell me the truth cos he thinks dat will only make me more upset.. but i assured him i wont cos not knowing the truth when u felt something is wrong somewhere is annoying and affects me alot.. i find it hard to get it across to him dat i wont be upset if i noe the truth.. i've tried doing my part as a gf like showing him concern, gifing in to him like almost everytime, i tried to get him to do things wif me but most of the time he'll refuse or he'll do it with a sulky face.. so i felt i shouldn't make him do it.. i'm really desperate and clueless of wat i shld do.. felt there's so much things he haf against me.. but when i tok to him abt it he'll deny.. when he see me really breaking down he'll say he love me.. wat's he trying to do?
U can try to talk to him and tell him, how by keeping u in the dark would make u even more unhappy. Also tell him that u may not be able t help and solve his prob, but u can share his sorrows and worries and giving him the support he needs. That's what a couple shld be doing for each other. -
i've talked to him several times regarding this and here's his explanation:Originally posted by Imperfect:He still loves u, just that as a man, he feels that he shld not make his gal worry, upset and so on. He shld make her happy.
U can try to talk to him and tell him, how by keeping u in the dark would make u even more unhappy. Also tell him that u may not be able t help and solve his prob, but u can share his sorrows and worries and giving him the support he needs. That's what a couple shld be doing for each other.
1) most of the times when one is happy one think of one's love ;
however one will think of their friends when one is down. -- so most pple
think that the one who can really share ur sorrows is the one hu love u the
most.
2) Sadly, guys normally think otherwise, if he doesn't share his sorrows wif
that person, then the person would be the one he really love. cos he cant
bear to see the person worrying and feeling sad for him.
i gaf my point of view like wat u said above, to be there for him always. so now he's starting to share his prob bit by bit. some stuff like other girls(hu fancy him) contacting him and related stuff, he always choose to keep it as a secret till i find out somehow.. i juz felt there's a need to be open abt this as i've bad experiences b4.
now the thing is in his subconscious mind he deemed it impossible to be open wif me as i'll definitely be mad! i did assure him i wont be mad but i nv get a chance to haf him being open to me on such topics voluntarily. he'll only tell me when i ask him abt it.. there's a barrier preventing him to haf complete trust in me and i too gets uptight wif him trying to hide this truths..
i guess i've to be patient? will time really help to let him haf the faith to tell me the truth and not to worry that i'll be mad? but i do hope if he's afraid of me getting mad at the thing he's doing, he'll juz prevent from doing so..
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Yes u are right, sadly many guys think this way when they are in a r/s. But not all are like this.Originally posted by ~joy~:i've talked to him several times regarding this and here's his explanation:
1) most of the times when one is happy one think of one's love ;
however one will think of their friends when one is down. -- so most pple
think that the one who can really share ur sorrows is the one hu love u the
most.
2) Sadly, guys normally think otherwise, if he doesn't share his sorrows wif
that person, then the person would be the one he really love. cos he cant
bear to see the person worrying and feeling sad for him.
U shld be glad that he is slowly opening up to u. At least he is trying. What u need to do now is to encourage him to open to u, and try not to show too many negative emotions when he did that even if its news that really saddens u. Though I am asking u to hide ur true feelings, but its only for the moment and there will be time to address ur own emotions with him later. Important thing is to encourage him to open up to u. A single frown will lead him to think "See, I said u will be sad..." and he may stop opening from u. What he needs is someone who can understand how he feel when the things he say happened to him. Empathy. Its always good to reply him that u can understand how he feel after listening to his stories.Originally posted by ~joy~:i gaf my point of view like wat u said above, to be there for him always. so now he's starting to share his prob bit by bit. some stuff like other girls(hu fancy him) contacting him and related stuff, he always choose to keep it as a secret till i find out somehow.. i juz felt there's a need to be open abt this as i've bad experiences b4.
now the thing is in his subconscious mind he deemed it impossible to be open wif me as i'll definitely be mad! i did assure him i wont be mad but i nv get a chance to haf him being open to me on such topics voluntarily. he'll only tell me when i ask him abt it.. there's a barrier preventing him to haf complete trust in me and i too gets uptight wif him trying to hide this truths..
i guess i've to be patient? will time really help to let him haf the faith to tell me the truth and not to worry that i'll be mad? but i do hope if he's afraid of me getting mad at the thing he's doing, he'll juz prevent from doing so..
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Another ingredient will be TIME. Do not expect everything to happen at whatever rate u want it to. Everything takes time. Especially things you do for the first time. Especially after u have grown up, u will tend to avoid pain. Things which u do not have confidence that it will not bring pain, u will hesitate in excecuting them. Unlike children, they just simply explore everything. So give him time.
I understand that u may be afraid that there may not be enough time for u to get him to totally open up to u before anythign drastic happen. However, if u were to rush, i guess things will get even worse. I cannot generalize ur bf with me, but i am one that needs to see a point by myself before i can understand it and apply. Likewise, I think like many common man till i see the point that i shldnt be afraid of making my gf sad or worried by telling her my problems. However all these enlightenment came too late...
Good luck. -
the problem, is that you might be treating him too well that he doesnt really feel the 'interest' in this r/s anymore?Originally posted by ~joy~:wat problem is dat?
or he might just be attracted by those girls who are fond of him.. curiousity is part of Human nature..
(just guessing.i've no proof of any sort.) -
thanks a lot.. that advice really applies for me.. =) tmr is going to be our 6th anniversary.. hopes everything runs well.. i'm trying to be more patient and let him see the point slowly and easily.. and i'm trying to haf little surprises for him to sort of spice up the r/s.. by the way sorry for reminding u of ur sad memories.. *feeling quite guilty*Originally posted by Imperfect:U shld be glad that he is slowly opening up to u. At least he is trying. What u need to do now is to encourage him to open to u, and try not to show too many negative emotions when he did that even if its news that really saddens u. Though I am asking u to hide ur true feelings, but its only for the moment and there will be time to address ur own emotions with him later. Important thing is to encourage him to open up to u. A single frown will lead him to think "See, I said u will be sad..." and he may stop opening from u. What he needs is someone who can understand how he feel when the things he say happened to him. Empathy. Its always good to reply him that u can understand how he feel after listening to his stories.
Another ingredient will be TIME. Do not expect everything to happen at whatever rate u want it to. Everything takes time. Especially things you do for the first time. Especially after u have grown up, u will tend to avoid pain. Things which u do not have confidence that it will not bring pain, u will hesitate in excecuting them. Unlike children, they just simply explore everything. So give him time.
I understand that u may be afraid that there may not be enough time for u to get him to totally open up to u before anythign drastic happen. However, if u were to rush, i guess things will get even worse. I cannot generalize ur bf with me, but i am one that needs to see a point by myself before i can understand it and apply. Likewise, I think like many common man till i see the point that i shldnt be afraid of making my gf sad or worried by telling her my problems. However all these enlightenment came too late...
Good luck. -
not to worry.. i'm open to all advice and suggestions.. i may try a bit of the "tango" thingy( as stated in the earlier post by ah_v)... when he move a step closer to me i'll move back a bit and vice versa.. but i shldn't do too much of that too right? need to balance up everything..Originally posted by o(O.o)o:the problem, is that you might be treating him too well that he doesnt really feel the 'interest' in this r/s anymore?
or he might just be attracted by those girls who are fond of him.. curiousity is part of Human nature..
(just guessing.i've no proof of any sort.) -
No need to feel guilty. At least I learnt from my mistakes.Originally posted by ~joy~:thanks a lot.. that advice really applies for me.. =) tmr is going to be our 6th anniversary.. hopes everything runs well.. i'm trying to be more patient and let him see the point slowly and easily.. and i'm trying to haf little surprises for him to sort of spice up the r/s.. by the way sorry for reminding u of ur sad memories.. *feeling quite guilty*
Wish that everything will turn out to be better for the 2 of u. -
we juz celebrated our 6th anniversary together. things aren't going that well initially.. but i tried to be more patient wif him and tried askng him (but not questioning him) what's going wrong.. perhaps my bf read this thread or something.. his attitude had changed.. he's more willing to explain tome stuff... so i felt the r/s is changing for the better.. i enjoyed myself very much.. thanks for all the advice given!Originally posted by Imperfect:No need to feel guilty. At least I learnt from my mistakes.
Wish that everything will turn out to be better for the 2 of u.