how to convince my mum to accept us?
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hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her? -
Hello Confusion,Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her?
Your mom is just worried that you'll spend more time on your bf, then on your studies. Since studying in Uni will take up a lot of time, not to mention that you'll meet other guys there, she probably wants you to take it slow.
Mothers are like that, they're afraid to let us dive into the world too early, especially when it comes to love.
She's probably thinking that at the age of 18, you're too young to love. If you're so sure that the two of you will eventually be married, maybe you could get your bf into her 'good books', by inviting him to your house, then helping you to clean with the dishes, etc.
Show your mother that your bf is a responsible person. And when your mother sees the extent of your love for him, she will eventually relent.
All it takes is patience, (and a lot of hard work).
Good luck~ -
elope, hahahaOriginally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her? -
ur academic performances, behaviour and etc plays a great deal....
if any of these fails....then she is more convinced tt ur bf led u astray -
Not to dampen your spirits but you actually should really consider what your mom said.
1) A lot of girls enter university and do find that older guys are more attractive, be it their maturity or even financial ability.
2)If you enter a relationship now and end up breaking off, that would be worse than not starting it in the first place. There are alot of guys who cannot take the stress of the army and breaking up and they end up AWOL or doing other stupid things that end them up in detention barracks.
3)I dun know how possesive the other party is, but guys tend to get suspicious of their gfs when they are in camp. It stems from the lack of communication while they are stuck in camp. It's also a fear of losing their gfs to more mature guys in university. It is even worse when the girl actually grads and starts working.
What is love?
I can't tell you for certain.
But this is what i know...
Death, the ultimate proof and gift of Love
Death to bad habits, death to self , death to anything that centers arond yourself. It'll never be about yourself. Recieving anything back( even love) is a bonus, love is only giving.
So, will your decision be the best for him? in the long term?
BUT ultimately the decision is still yours to make. Consider the Pros and Cons and make a decision that you will NOT regret. -
thanx a lot... i do understand her concerns. well, we havent got together for that long. so i'm not sure if we'll eventually get married at this point of time. but if we can, i'll be very happy. but then again, we cant predict the future so i dare not say i'm certain.Originally posted by _Aaron_:Hello Confusion,
Your mom is just worried that you'll spend more time on your bf, then on your studies. Since studying in Uni will take up a lot of time, not to mention that you'll meet other guys there, she probably wants you to take it slow.
Mothers are like that, they're afraid to let us dive into the world too early, especially when it comes to love.
She's probably thinking that at the age of 18, you're too young to love. If you're so sure that the two of you will eventually be married, maybe you could get your bf into her 'good books', by inviting him to your house, then helping you to clean with the dishes, etc.
Show your mother that your bf is a responsible person. And when your mother sees the extent of your love for him, she will eventually relent.
All it takes is patience, (and a lot of hard work).
Good luck~
i've tot of brining him home. but wouldnt it be too mushc of a surprise if i suddenly bring him back say for dinner? if my mum is so against him, would she kick him out of the house or scold him when they first meet? should i let them noe before i rbing him back? if yes, how should i put it? -
i see... i'll be more careful about tt... my academic should be alright... waiting for results now anyway...Originally posted by NeonTetra:ur academic performances, behaviour and etc plays a great deal....
if any of these fails....then she is more convinced tt ur bf led u astray -
You should read Masayuki's advice as well, which makes a lot of sense, and improvises on the fact that you'll meet much more guys in Uni.Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:thanx a lot... i do understand her concerns. well, we havent got together for that long. so i'm not sure if we'll eventually get married at this point of time. but if we can, i'll be very happy. but then again, we cant predict the future so i dare not say i'm certain.
i've tot of brining him home. but wouldnt it be too mushc of a surprise if i suddenly bring him back say for dinner? if my mum is so against him, would she kick him out of the house or scold him when they first meet? should i let them noe before i rbing him back? if yes, how should i put it?
How long have the two of you been together actually.?
Yes it would be quite a surprise, in fact, i think it will be good if you ask her a few subtle questions, to test the ground. Something like, "Ma, Why don't i bring him down so that you can see what kind of a person your daughter has fallen for?" (No wait, that's pretty direct. But you get the idea i hope.)
Or maybe you could talk, and let the topic drift to your boyfriend, and then ask if she would mind him coming over. Hmm, another direct question. Looks like i'm not cut out for subtlety
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thanx.. tt's a very mature piece if advice... yes i have tot of wad my mum said... he's actually older than me becoz he studied in poly and have just graduated... i am aware of wad u said about army boys. and i'm keeping that in mind. say if i do meet someone in uni, would she then agree for us to start a relationship? would she not worry about my studies in uni? i doubt so. it sounds to me tt it all comes back to square one. seems like not matter when it happens, it will still be the same.Originally posted by Masayuki:Not to dampen your spirits but you actually should really consider what your mom said.
1) A lot of girls enter university and do find that older guys are more attractive, be it their maturity or even financial ability.
2)If you enter a relationship now and end up breaking off, that would be worse than not starting it in the first place. There are alot of guys who cannot take the stress of the army and breaking up and they end up AWOL or doing other stupid things that end them up in detention barracks.
3)I dun know how possesive the other party is, but guys tend to get suspicious of their gfs when they are in camp. It stems from the lack of communication while they are stuck in camp. It's also a fear of losing their gfs to more mature guys in university. It is even worse when the girl actually grads and starts working.
What is love?
I can't tell you for certain.
But this is what i know...
Death, the ultimate proof and gift of Love
Death to bad habits, death to self , death to anything that centers arond yourself. It'll never be about yourself. Recieving anything back( even love) is a bonus, love is only giving.
So, will your decision be the best for him? in the long term?
BUT ultimately the decision is still yours to make. Consider the Pros and Cons and make a decision that you will NOT regret. -
haha... i think it's better to be direct... haiz. if not she may act blur or haiz.. i dunno wad... sigh... i do noe that some guys get very stressed up when they go to NS... but cant be help, can it? all i can do for him is to support him and try making him feel tt i'm always there with him. ya... him going to NS adds to another uncertainty.Originally posted by _Aaron_:You should read Masayuki's advice as well, which makes a lot of sense, and improvises on the fact that you'll meet much more guys in Uni.
How long have the two of you been together actually.?
Yes it would be quite a surprise, in fact, i think it will be good if you ask her a few subtle questions, to test the ground. Something like, "Ma, Why don't i bring him down so that you can see what kind of a person your daughter has fallen for?" (No wait, that's pretty direct. But you get the idea i hope.)
Or maybe you could talk, and let the topic drift to your boyfriend, and then ask if she would mind him coming over. Hmm, another direct question. Looks like i'm not cut out for subtlety -
just take it easy... after all you're still young... some relationships from JC do weather any storms, others sadly don't.Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her?
take things with a pinch of salt, you're after all still young...
don't really need pple to cheng2 quan1 you... if your mum doesnt like, dun talk to her abt it lah... -
but then, i would have to lie and hide everything from her again.. it realli sux when i have to do tt.. being able to go out with my dear openly.. i'm sure it'll be better right? if i heck my mum, my relationship with my mum will also worsen. and i'm facing her everyday. how can i not spare a tot for her?Originally posted by foxwalk:just take it easy... after all you're still young... some relationships from JC do weather any storms, others sadly don't.
take things with a pinch of salt, you're after all still young...
don't really need pple to cheng2 quan1 you... if your mum doesnt like, dun talk to her abt it lah... -
As an ex volunteer counsellor, the ideal case would be that the girl gets attached in the last year of university studies, this ensures that she is already mature enough to handle a certain level of stress. It also helps when you enter the workforce and actually earn more money than the guy. In many sad cases i have seen so far, the guys normally feel inferior in that sense.
Guys do have alotof pride.
I would advice you to wait up for a bit and use this time to develop the other areas of your life, character and such.
Two "incomplete" persons end up breaking up.
One "complete" person + one "incomplete" person is stressful.
Two "complete" persons can enter into a relationship and even if a breakup occurs, both will look back at it as a good experience and come out of it as a "complete" person.
By complete, i mean that the person is mature and character-developed enough to be independent by him/herself. No offence mean to anyone.
Have the end in mind, no releationship is easy. Marriage must be on the cards if a couple decides to enter into a relationship, if not, it will end up a whole of hurt.
Ask the guy if he is considering marriage, and make him give you a reply a week later. If he tells you on the spot or tells you before a week is up, he's not even really thinking about it seriously enough. This is a basic indicator of character development- patience.
You should call up professional helplines if you are really very vexed, most of the helplines have very nice people manning them. Try TOUCHline, or just call TOUCH Youth Services for advice, they're really very patient and nice.
PS: By the way, mums should be your best friend. Mum's advice goes a long way -
Well, I think you should arrange for your parents to have a dinner to introduce your bf to them. And let your parents get to know your bf... and they can judge for themselves after that. Try to tell your mom the good points of your bf... ie maybe he has been helping you studying or is a good motivator when you were in JC thats why you got good enuff results to enter uni, Bf also comes from a decent family and is very well brought up, Bf is also going to Uni after NS is a good thing(esp if he's enrolled into Med Sch... future Dr Bf...) or of course it helps if your BF is actually the Prince of Burnei and your mom can get to wear all the crown jewelery! You get the picture.Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her? -
Disagree on this one. Alot of couples rush into marriages nowadays just to 'prove something'. End up with divorces. Doesn't help much now, does it?Originally posted by Masayuki:As an ex volunteer counsellor, the ideal case would be that the girl gets attached in the last year of university studies, this ensures that she is already mature enough to handle a certain level of stress. It also helps when you enter the workforce and actually earn more money than the guy. In many sad cases i have seen so far, the guys normally feel inferior in that sense.
Guys do have alotof pride.
I would advice you to wait up for a bit and use this time to develop the other areas of your life, character and such.
Two "incomplete" persons end up breaking up.
One "complete" person + one "incomplete" person is stressful.
Two "complete" persons can enter into a relationship and even if a breakup occurs, both will look back at it as a good experience and come out of it as a "complete" person.
By complete, i mean that the person is mature and character-developed enough to be independent by him/herself. No offence mean to anyone.
Have the end in mind, no releationship is easy. Marriage must be on the cards if a couple decides to enter into a relationship, if not, it will end up a whole of hurt.
Ask the guy if he is considering marriage, and make him give you a reply a week later. If he tells you on the spot or tells you before a week is up, he's not even really thinking about it seriously enough. This is a basic indicator of character development- patience.
You should call up professional helplines if you are really very vexed, most of the helplines have very nice people manning them. Try TOUCHline, or just call TOUCH Youth Services for advice, they're really very patient and nice.
PS: By the way, mums should be your best friend. Mum's advice goes a long way
Besides... She's still young... Relationships can also be about companionship and part of character building... And there're couples out there just to be happily together without even having to consider about marriage... Give that a thought? -
Perhaps you can start by asking her to tell you the story of how your dad and your mum got together...?Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her? -
Why not arrange for a dinner meet up outside or something instead...?Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:thanx a lot... i do understand her concerns. well, we havent got together for that long. so i'm not sure if we'll eventually get married at this point of time. but if we can, i'll be very happy. but then again, we cant predict the future so i dare not say i'm certain.
i've tot of brining him home. but wouldnt it be too mushc of a surprise if i suddenly bring him back say for dinner? if my mum is so against him, would she kick him out of the house or scold him when they first meet? should i let them noe before i rbing him back? if yes, how should i put it?
Don't have to IMPRESS... A simple dinner will do....
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time can change.Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her?
last time my first bf and i . my whole family dun like him but we con't for 2 yrs then they accepted him. but after they accepted him. he had an affair with another gal and we broke off
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I believe that character building must occur before a person goes into a relationship. If she's still young, character building must come first. You can get companionship and character building without a BGR. The reason that alot of couples get a divorce is because they start on relationships young and their characters are not fully built up yet.Originally posted by Devil1976:Disagree on this one. Alot of couples rush into marriages nowadays just to 'prove something'. End up with divorces. Doesn't help much now, does it?
Besides... She's still young... Relationships can also be about companionship and part of character building... And there're couples out there just to be happily together without even having to consider about marriage... Give that a thought?
Their dependency on each other turns up alot of lies and problems after they get married.
Having the end in mind does not mean having to get married. It means having the correct and mature reason to enter a relationship. You enter one to find your other half, you don't enter one for fun and for some, sex. You end up hurting the ones you profess to love most.
A good relationship with the end in mind has 2 possible outcomes,
1)Ends up in marriage
2)Ends up in a way where both parties come to an understanding that they may not be best for each other and part as good friends and complete persons.
I do see alot of teens these days with depression, normally over a failed relationship. Even i am starting to get depressed looking at things like that happen. It hurts alot to see teens ruin their own lives.
I recommend young people learn to be happy as complete and whole singles, who lack nothing, before entering into any relationship. It would help resolve the divorce issue. -
show via actions and definitely matured actions from your bf are essential here. if u end up fighting with your mum over him - believe me when i say your mum will disapprove even more......
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Dear cOnFuSiOn,Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her?
Your mum isn't totally wrong about what she says.. Well.. You are goin to uni soon.. and your bf will be in army soon.. is not so much problem about what he will do when he comes out of army.. The main issue is whether are you both ready to take up these challenges.. You wont be able to see or talk to each other like you used to be.. You'll spend less time together.. In order to keep this relationship going and maintaining it good.. Your foundation must be REAL strong!
Will you be able to wait till he comes out of army?? I'm not saying you ain't faithful.. but then like what you says.. human do change.. But if you are very firm and confident that all these obstacles would never come or happen to you and him.. Then go for it..
As for your mum.. She's jus worried.. She might not want you to waste your youth to wait for someone who in the end maybe not be with you after all.. However.. talk to your mum about it.. sit down and chat with her.. tell her that even if dodn't take risk in this relationship.. you will still experience it in the next one.. its a cycle.. You never gain or learn your lesson if you never lose or try!
Reassure her that you are old enough to make decision yourself.. no matter what.. you wont hurt anyone.. including yourself.. There's always a first time in life! Talk to her nicely.. Think before you speak..
Cheers.. -
i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt..
erm.... i thought your bf is going to ORD already as you post a thread in october???
Now he is going in in april? which is which?
Or is this your new bf? -
thanx pals... i think i choose to talk to her openly and see how things goes.. i agree with most of you... which is y i'm troubled and kinda confused... i'm aware of the uncertanties and have to admit that i'm unsure if i'm up to take the future challenges. then again, as one of you have said, there's always a first time in everything. if i dun take risk this time, i will have to the next time.. it all comes back to square one...
if onli something happens now and allow me to be sure of which way to choose... -
you r too young to commit. she may seem just the one for you, but thats only bcos shes taking up all your time and attention. i think you should cast a wider net. i mean, you should get to know more gers so you get more exposure and choose the most suitable. with this, the loss of one will also be less painful, since you have many others. set each other free to mingle. if both of u r really meant for each other, your relationship will stand this test of tenacity and be stronger. u can then say your relationship is 1 that can survive in a real environment, not just in an isolated ideal 1Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her? -
something to happen? Don't look for one-stroke solutions....Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:thanx pals... i think i choose to talk to her openly and see how things goes.. i agree with most of you... which is y i'm troubled and kinda confused... i'm aware of the uncertanties and have to admit that i'm unsure if i'm up to take the future challenges. then again, as one of you have said, there's always a first time in everything. if i dun take risk this time, i will have to the next time.. it all comes back to square one...
if onli something happens now and allow me to be sure of which way to choose...
Of coz, if such things happen, everyone wld wish to get over it quickly.But a relationship is about two persons, not just one. you don't have to face it alone. tell your bf hw troubled and confused. face the obstacles n the challenges together and support one another. It's a testing period for you and your bf. One of the tests which determines whether you n your bf can be together..Nobody knows what will happen in future, so you are nt the only person who faces that, but the most impt thing is to do what you wld think u wld regret nt doing it.
Your mum has reasons to doubt your relationship with your bf as mayusaki has mentioned. Even if you talk to her openly, it would be hard for her to be convinced straightaway. Only time can tell. Time nt only tells a person's character(e.g. whether your mum can trust ur bf to be with u) but also a relationship as well.