how to convince my mum to accept us?
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Ok.. here's my experience...
After my A levels (in 1995), I got myself a bf (he's now ex-bf)... not from the uni, but thru BBS-ing after my As... he only has O levels... my mom were really against us becoming together... but I stood firm... for about 4 years, my mom kept discouraging from continuing the r/s... and I was not doing so well in uni as well.... No matter how many heart to heart talks I had with my parents, it always ended on the wrong notes... both sides refused to give in... they kept telling me that I'm still young.. and should not get involved... should concentrate on my studies... and that I should find someone more compatible.... moreover, my ex-bf was a regular in the army at the time... my parents were convinced that once I graduated and started working, the r/s won't work out... however, after 4 years.... we were still together and going on strong.. my parents relented.... they gradually began to accept him... we were even planning to get married in 2003...
However, when my ex-bf ord from army, he went outside to work in 2002... and I too started working in 2002...somehow things didn't go on as usual... he had a change of heart... he fell for his colleague who chased him even though she knew he has been attached for about 7 years... I gracefully accepted the breakup (of cos, there were tears and all).... we broke up in early 2003... and oh my, my parents and brother were furious... really angry with him... it took so long for them to accept him and he did this to me.... after tat, they became very protective of me.... but I m happy to say that I have found a new bf since, and my parents approve of him...
as for your case, I think you should just take it slow and don't rush into things... just keep the relationship growing normally... talking to your parents may be a good idea... but if your parents are like mine.... whole day nag... I would assume that it would be quite difficult to convince them within such a short time... one thing's for sure, if you can prove to them that your relationship can withstand the test of time, they will give in.... and from your parents' point of view, they would never want their precious daughter to be hurt in anyway at all... they only want the best for u... try to put yourself in their shoes.... u know, my parents were so worried that I couldn't take the blow after the break-up... but I showed them that I was back on my feet after 3 days... u have to show them that you are strong and you know what you want... parents will always be parents... they will treat you like a small kid, no matter how old you are.... it's just natural for them.... moreover, they have encountered more life experiences than you, and must have seen many breakups....
You are still young... take time and sort out your thoughts.... it's a nice feeling to be in love.... if you and your bf are able to remain together after you have graduated and started to work, I think by then, your parents will definintely accept the r/s.... yeah, it's a long process to convince them... but you have to do it.... you will have to stand firm... and I wish you all the best in proving to them that your choice is right.... ultimately you will be the one choosing your other half... your parents are only there to give advice... and remember, they want you to be happy always.... -
*Double post*
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Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:hi all..
i'm so troubled.. i love my dear a lot.. and right now, my mum found out. dad isnt against us. but my mum.. she doesnt want me to get a bf now. i'm 18.. finish my As... she's worried about my future. my dear will be going to NS in april or sth like tt.. i'll be going to uni if possible in aug... mum says that i got no idea wad my dear will be doing after NS.. she also say tt i may meet someone else later when i go into uni. she tells me not to risk it, dun hurt him and myself. i agree tt there r lots of question marks. but then again, be it present of future, when u start a relationship, there will still be a lot of question marks. aftr all, human change... if pple r so afraid, marriage and families will not exist. so how can i convince her?
I must be a deviant; an unorthodox.
I will be telling you the other side of the tale, instead of what we are ALL so familiar with that have been mentioned above.
You call him your dear, in which I PRESUME that he is your boyfriend and if this is NOT the case, this post is completely redundant - based on the fact that this is still an on-going relationship and your mum is raining questions, which you have no answer over. To return fire, this is a blunt question for her:
'How would she know that dad is truely the one for her?'
No, she doesn't know and when she accepted your dad's marriage proposal, nobody can tell her if she made the right choice OR if it is a route to an eventually divorce.
She accepted because of Love AND Calculated Risk (CR in C|oUdiSm context). (Strong earth qualities will emphasis much on the latter aspect)
And how did this calculated risk came about? Was your dad her first love? I doubt so and even if it was, the karmic and cycle of love in this Aquarian Age (21st century) would disallow many to uncover their final love in their first attempt. I am sure your mum dated other man as well and also consider other potentials, consciously or subconsciously. Your dad was the best candidate based on the two aspects - Love and Calculated Risk and boom! A marriage appeared. (Of course, this is but the rudimentary aspects of a relationship).
The whole lot of 'You will meet more guys in the future... Dunno if he can make it anot... human will change... love will fade... and all the what's-not...'
Is it your relationship or that of others? Why are you allowing others to dictate the ROUTE of where your relationship would go? You can direct the course of your relationship, but if it fails, so be it. The cosmic lesson absorb into your life is far more beneficial then having to avoid and be influenced to cut the life of a potentially good relationship. (Potentially good relationship refers to constructive relationship - no major karmic thingy like violence, etc, top with general respect, love and all other positive thingy)
And yes.... you will probably receive cuts and wounds that may never heal. I can promise you that - hurt is what we call it.
You may feel that you lost much of your soul... sacrifice much...
But if all that didn't happen, would you have grown at all?
If all that didn't happen, would you KNOW that this 'future man' you are going to meet in years to come, is likely to be the one you end up in marriage with? Similar to how you mum end up with your dad?
P.S: No relationship could ever exist without question marks hovering above our mind; it is up to our courage and willingness to enter into the domain of these questions and solve them from within. Only personal experience could tell you the story of what-will-ever-happen with time's assistance. Nobody else can. Would you heed your soul and hold the grounds of your relationship or would you be discourage by the difficult battle ahead and simply open your relationship... the city gate... for invasion and utter death?
To Love and win is the best; to Love and lose, is the next best thing.
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
wo... pro... sounds like a A star genernal paper essay! lolz... anyway, thanx. i agree with u.. should be toking to my mum soon... and ur points will be very useful.. thanx I must be a deviant; an unorthodox.
I will be telling you the other side of the tale, instead of what we are ALL so familiar with that have been mentioned above.
You call him your dear, in which I PRESUME that he is your boyfriend and if this is NOT the case, this post is completely redundant - based on the fact that this is still an [b]on-going relationship and your mum is raining questions, which you have no answer over. To return fire, this is a blunt question for her:
'How would she know that dad is truely the one for her?'
No, she doesn't know and when she accepted your dad's marriage proposal, nobody can tell her if she made the right choice OR if it is a route to an eventually divorce.
She accepted because of Love AND Calculated Risk (CR in C|oUdiSm context). (Strong earth qualities will emphasis much on the latter aspect)
And how did this calculated risk came about? Was your dad her first love? I doubt so and even if it was, the karmic and cycle of love in this Aquarian Age (21st century) would disallow many to uncover their final love in their first attempt. I am sure your mum dated other man as well and also consider other potentials, consciously or subconsciously. Your dad was the best candidate based on the two aspects - Love and Calculated Risk and boom! A marriage appeared. (Of course, this is but the rudimentary aspects of a relationship).
The whole lot of 'You will meet more guys in the future... Dunno if he can make it anot... human will change... love will fade... and all the what's-not...'
Is it your relationship or that of others? Why are you allowing others to dictate the ROUTE of where your relationship would go? You can direct the course of your relationship, but if it fails, so be it. The cosmic lesson absorb into your life is far more beneficial then having to avoid and be influenced to cut the life of a potentially good relationship. (Potentially good relationship refers to constructive relationship - no major karmic thingy like violence, etc, top with general respect, love and all other positive thingy)
And yes.... you will probably receive cuts and wounds that may never heal. I can promise you that - hurt is what we call it.
You may feel that you lost much of your soul... sacrifice much...
But if all that didn't happen, would you have grown at all?
If all that didn't happen, would you KNOW that this 'future man' you are going to meet in years to come, is likely to be the one you end up in marriage with? Similar to how you mum end up with your dad?
P.S: No relationship could ever exist without question marks hovering above our mind; it is up to our courage and willingness to enter into the domain of these questions and solve them from within. Only personal experience could tell you the story of what-will-ever-happen with time's assistance. Nobody else can. Would you heed your soul and hold the grounds of your relationship or would you be discourage by the difficult battle ahead and simply open your relationship... the city gate... for invasion and utter death?
To Love and win is the best; to Love and lose, is the next best thing.
Cheers [/b]
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Originally posted by Masayuki:
I believe that character building must occur before a person goes into a relationship. If she's still young, character building must come first. You can get companionship and character building without a BGR. The reason that alot of couples get a divorce is because they start on relationships young and their characters are not fully built up yet.
Partial agreement.
I agree that character building should ideally start before a person gets into a relationship. Especially when the person's young.
I also agree that one can get companionship and character building without a BGR. But some 'character building' essentials are only more readily incorporated when they're having experience in relationship(s) itself.
No. I don't agree on the last part really. Alot of (young?) couples go into a divorce because they got into a marriage young. On the contradictory, they probably (often?) believes that they've already got the glimpse and idea of a marriage when they might really not have enough exposure or experience to mature their thinkings on relationships and marriages. Often, their marriages failed because it is built on a wrong concept or they are kinda 'forced' or 'rushed' into things. (Yes. That includes the popular notation of "If you love me then marry me")
Their dependency on each other turns up alot of lies and problems after they get married.
Not only marriages end up with that, many relationships do too. It mostly depends on the maturity, character and compatibility of the 2. Though marriages would often means that they would have to walk a longer journey to endure more tears and wears which might come along the path, and the possibility of seeing 'hidden' or new characteristic of the other party.
It is not really about their dependency on each other but more on the marriage being built on a wrong concept. (see above)
Having the end in mind does not mean having to get married. It means having the correct and mature reason to enter a relationship. You enter one to find your other half, you don't enter one for fun and for some, sex. You end up hurting the ones you profess to love most.
To each their own. Real problems only occur when 2 people have different concepts of how the relationship would end up to be.
A good relationship with the end in mind has 2 possible outcomes,
1)Ends up in marriage
2)Ends up in a way where both parties come to an understanding that they may not be best for each other and part as good friends and complete persons.
I do see alot of teens these days with depression, normally over a failed relationship. Even i am starting to get depressed looking at things like that happen. It hurts alot to see teens ruin their own lives.
I recommend young people learn to be happy as complete and whole singles, who lack nothing, before entering into any relationship. It would help resolve the divorce issue.
Early 'maturation' and media exposure to BGRs have given many teens false ideas of relationship. Often when they find reality to be so far off from what they 'imagined' it to be 'supposingly', it could be too much for them to bear. -
Yunnie!!!! Muacks!!!
I just saw this thread and was about to type the similiar stuff you did.
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Masayuki: Pastoral conselling practiced by Touch Ministry?
It sounded pretty christian. -
All mothers love their daughters & don't want to see them suffer heartbreak.
Talk to her & see it from her point of view.
Convince her that yr studies will not suffer.
Let her meet him to get to know him better so she can give her blessings.
Be very sure u are ready for a r/s.
It means not being able to date other guys & learning to be independent cos yr bf may not be around to keep u company.
Remember this concern him as well, don't break his heart if u have a change of heart. -
Ya. hehe.Originally posted by M©+square:Masayuki: Pastoral conselling practiced by Touch Ministry?
It sounded pretty christian.
Does it really sound christian? -
let him have sex with you...then tell your mom that he's already taken your virginity, so no choice but to let you get involved with him...
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Yes it does. That could work be kept went two person is convicted that they should go thru sound counsel and engage in Character building.Originally posted by Masayuki:Ya. hehe.
Does it really sound christian?
Otherwise, it's emotions...
Secular r/s and breakups does build character on it's own.
Whether it harvest positive or negetive outcome/perception. It all depends on the will of the person.
I wouldn't agree much to a guided r/s - if it really needs guidance, then it means the two shouldn't be 'matured' enough to get into a r/s anyway.
Cheers -
sigh... i've wrote a letter to my mum to ask for her understanding and also an open peaceful tok.. but she dun seem to agree coz she never looked for me. instead, she havent tok to me since she found out.. onli recently, she spoke a few sentences... she treats me like i'm invisible.. but then again, i still feel tt she do care for me.. she bought new year cards and left 3 for me... a few days ago, gave me pocket money... well, it doesnt seem tt bad in this way.. but i realli dun like this feelings... our relationship seems to be worsen. everytime she hears sth about my dear dear, her face will turn black.. today she picked on little things i did and scold me for them.. sigh... y should things turn out this way? yesterday she gave me a book to read.. it's about relationship bewteen parents and children written my ministry of development. in the chapter about teenager's love life, there were manay suggestions on the dos and don'ts for parents when they found out tt their children have a partner. most of the dos are exactly wad i've written in the letter and suggested to her. i dun quite understand y she still go against me when she wanted me to read tt.. IT'S EXACTLY WAD I SAID! doesnt it show tt i've matured.. may be not as a total independent adult.. but i did do lots of deep thinking in order to coem up with suggestions like tt which i have never read from books?! sigh... i realli dunno wad to do... i hopes she can accept it.. maybe not entirely.. but at least give us a chance to prove her wrong.. she's not even giving me tt chance... i'm so depressed....
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At 18 u should be getting to know more guys so u have a wider choice for a future partner.
Make sure u are very certain the guy is special before deciding on a r/s.
When u go steady at a young age, chances of breaking up is greater bec of unrealistic expectations. (1've known of a few cases).
Successful long courtship which results in marriage are few nowadays cos people are not willing to work on a r/s.
Tell yr mum to let u bring him home so she can know him better.
It is better to be open abt it rather than meeting in secret.
Agree to her rules like being home at certain time & not going to boy's home alone, putting yr studies as top priority etc.
Reassure her u will not be taken advantage of.
Give both of u time to know one another before rushing into it.
Have a good talk with her. Don't be rebellious & have cold war.
She has yr best interest at heart. -
Don't always try to convince her... In fact why not try spending more time with her to listen to what she have got to say...?Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:sigh... i've wrote a letter to my mum to ask for her understanding and also an open peaceful tok.. but she dun seem to agree coz she never looked for me. instead, she havent tok to me since she found out.. onli recently, she spoke a few sentences... she treats me like i'm invisible.. but then again, i still feel tt she do care for me.. she bought new year cards and left 3 for me... a few days ago, gave me pocket money... well, it doesnt seem tt bad in this way.. but i realli dun like this feelings... our relationship seems to be worsen. everytime she hears sth about my dear dear, her face will turn black.. today she picked on little things i did and scold me for them.. sigh... y should things turn out this way? yesterday she gave me a book to read.. it's about relationship bewteen parents and children written my ministry of development. in the chapter about teenager's love life, there were manay suggestions on the dos and don'ts for parents when they found out tt their children have a partner. most of the dos are exactly wad i've written in the letter and suggested to her. i dun quite understand y she still go against me when she wanted me to read tt.. IT'S EXACTLY WAD I SAID! doesnt it show tt i've matured.. may be not as a total independent adult.. but i did do lots of deep thinking in order to coem up with suggestions like tt which i have never read from books?! sigh... i realli dunno wad to do... i hopes she can accept it.. maybe not entirely.. but at least give us a chance to prove her wrong.. she's not even giving me tt chance... i'm so depressed....
Even if you've 'got your points right', it won't feel good for some mothers to be just losing her daughter to a guy (BGR) just like that... Especially when you've once shown that you failed badly before.... -
ya i tried to tok to her... seems like she refuses.... i initiated the idea of brining my dear dear home.. but she hasnt agreed... i'm not the one who wans a cold war.. she's the one who started it... i judt dun dare to talk to her now or go near her now becoz she's still angry and she will definitely scold me and we'll end up quarelling again and worsen our situation..Originally posted by gerrykoh:At 18 u should be getting to know more guys so u have a wider choice for a future partner.
Make sure u are very certain the guy is special before deciding on a r/s.
When u go steady at a young age, chances of breaking up is greater bec of unrealistic expectations. (1've known of a few cases).
Successful long courtship which results in marriage are few nowadays cos people are not willing to work on a r/s.
Tell yr mum to let u bring him home so she can know him better.
It is better to be open abt it rather than meeting in secret.
Agree to her rules like being home at certain time & not going to boy's home alone, putting yr studies as top priority etc.
Reassure her u will not be taken advantage of.
Give both of u time to know one another before rushing into it.
Have a good talk with her. Don't be rebellious & have cold war.
She has yr best interest at heart. -
Originally posted by Devil1976:
"Especially when you've once shown that you failed badly before...." = huh? mean wad?
Don't always try to convince her... In fact why not try spending more time with her to listen to what she have got to say...?
Even if you've 'got your points right', it won't feel good for some mothers to be just losing her daughter to a guy (BGR) just like that... [b]Especially when you've once shown that you failed badly before....[/b] -
there's immediate or one-stroke solution to this...be patient and with time passes by, she will gradually agree to meet your bf, as she still can't trust your bf for she was young before and might have experienced what you are going through, so she is always afraid that you getting hurt. Only time can tell her whether the feelings between you and bf is for real. Trust me, the war will not last long...Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:ya i tried to tok to her... seems like she refuses.... i initiated the idea of brining my dear dear home.. but she hasnt agreed... i'm not the one who wans a cold war.. she's the one who started it... i judt dun dare to talk to her now or go near her now becoz she's still angry and she will definitely scold me and we'll end up quarelling again and worsen our situation.. -
Especially when you've shown before that you can be badly hurt in a relationship... To your mum, it's just like.... You're 'doing it again'....Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:"Especially when you've once shown that you failed badly before...." = huh? mean wad? -
Originally posted by M©+square:Yunnie!!!! Muacks!!!
I just saw this thread and was about to type the similiar stuff you did.
Si siang.... xin ling xiang tong?
Cheers -
Yes.Originally posted by Masayuki:Ya. hehe.
Does it really sound christian? 
Cheers -
Originally posted by cOnFuSiOn:sigh... i've wrote a letter to my mum to ask for her understanding and also an open peaceful tok.. but she dun seem to agree coz she never looked for me. instead, she havent tok to me since she found out.. onli recently, she spoke a few sentences... she treats me like i'm invisible.. but then again, i still feel tt she do care for me.. she bought new year cards and left 3 for me... a few days ago, gave me pocket money... well, it doesnt seem tt bad in this way.. but i realli dun like this feelings... our relationship seems to be worsen. everytime she hears sth about my dear dear, her face will turn black.. today she picked on little things i did and scold me for them.. sigh... y should things turn out this way? yesterday she gave me a book to read.. it's about relationship bewteen parents and children written my ministry of development. in the chapter about teenager's love life, there were manay suggestions on the dos and don'ts for parents when they found out tt their children have a partner. most of the dos are exactly wad i've written in the letter and suggested to her. i dun quite understand y she still go against me when she wanted me to read tt.. IT'S EXACTLY WAD I SAID! doesnt it show tt i've matured.. may be not as a total independent adult.. but i did do lots of deep thinking in order to coem up with suggestions like tt which i have never read from books?! sigh... i realli dunno wad to do... i hopes she can accept it.. maybe not entirely.. but at least give us a chance to prove her wrong.. she's not even giving me tt chance... i'm so depressed.... The reason why your mum is still resisting against the idea of your preception is because she is fueled by her own thoughts and barred the door to any opposition ideas. In her mind, you are still her little daughter and she has her own form of interest for you, but in fact you have already grown much and it's about time to make your own venture, taking reasonable, sensible and CALCULATED risk in relationship.
You cannot expect everything to change with a letter.
I suggest psychological reinforcing.
What you did what right; keep on reinforcing your stand. Be firm, not harsh and provocative. There will be a time when she will realise you have to walk your own life eventually and accept the changes that is happening to her daughter. Your idea of reinforcing MUST emphasise on the fact that you are NOT turning for the worst; rather, entering into the next phrase of your life and that a mum-and-daughter relationship must adapt and blend if you people desire minimal parental conflicts.
Cheers -
This is an example of a problem,or i should call it a test,on how strong your relationship is with your dear,If u pass this test,your relationship will be stronger by a level.(just call it level)
Of course,there will be much more tests in the future.Every tests u pass is actually strengthening your relationship.
The decision is yours and yes,I will be behind you!! -
Thanks!!
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As usual.. Aaron arrives to save the day..
always a good-natured "dispenser" of advice..
Anyway.. parents r generally lidat.. no matter how liberal they r.. they have certain degree of reservations.. could be bcoz of ur studies or tt the guy might cheat on u etc.. all wif ur best interests at heart.. but of course their good intentions doesnt necessary leads to the best outcome for u..
Firstly.. i tink u have to ask urself whether the guy u love is really..erm.. acceptable.. as in in character n manner.. at least den u can attempt to ease ur mum's fears.. convince her tt the guy is a wonderful person.. if the situation permits n if both of u r really serious abt each other.. u can consider introducing th guy to ur mum.. of course tt's if ur mum is also willing to give him a shot.. u juz need to put ur mum's mind at ease.. show her tt he's a responsible guy n tt u r responsible for ur deeds n future.. -
In a uni, you will get to see and know lots of hunks. By then, you wont be bother about all these anymore