gf demands freedom...help
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I have been in this relationship with my girl for 2 years, she used to be an active person participating in various activities like performing (either singing or dancing) or sometimes singing in pub, while i'm more of a 'home-guy' who doesn't like to go out and prefers staying at home with family. My only problem is i'm a little MCP.
She gradually gave up everything because of my influence (mostly because i didn't like her going out for activities and coming back extremely late), and that she could spend more time with me. Initially she did it so willingly, cos she says she loves me so much, her life was totally revolving around me, i was her everything.
But recently after i came back from a one month outstation job duty, everything changed. She start telling me that last time she was too 'into' me that she finds that she had lost her own life, her own identity, that is why she was so upset and depressed when i had to leave her.
Now she's telling me she wants her life back, she wants to go back to sing in a pub joining back the group of friends where i once had deep animosity with (cos of some major misunderstanding). Last time she promised me she would never join these people ever again, but now she's breaking her promise and even telling me that it was silly of her previously to end her friendship with those people(my enemies).
Now she strongly demands her freedom and complains that i'm extremely MCP. The saddest thing that she told me is, "i wanna do whatever things that i like in my life, you should also go pursue anything that you really wanna accomplish. I give you total freedom, so i expect the same from you!"
I feel so insecure suddenly, i told her, "do you realise that you have changed? i feel you don't love me as much as before." But she denies.
The last thing that she said hurts me most is saying, "if ever you got the chance to leave me to pursue your career or maybe studies, just go ahead, i'm not worth for you to stay. Even if in the end we can't be a couple also nevermind."
I broke down to tears after i hung up the phone with her. She used to be such a loving gf, she would do anything for me, she puts me at her top priority anytime. But now, its seems like i lost my position in her heart totally. The urge of breaking up with her keeps haunting my mind, i really dunno what to do. -
coincidently.. i'm kinda seeing this girl who is attached to a guy who sounds like you. oh man.
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her life can be alwasy revolving aroudn u if u have the time to let her revolve ard u... but u left her for ur outstation thinggies.... tat left her alone... maybe tats the period of time tat her midn will stray....feel lonliness... feel that u caant be alwasy by her side to provide her with compnaion.. before she feels tat by having some fren around she can have companion when u cant be there for her...she have gave up everything for u ... she has nth left but u.. so whne u go outstation, wad u suppose her to do? stay at home and rot for tat one month and wait for u to come back? its not difficult.. but during that period.. minds wil stray... thoguht abt y arent u there for her and that u cant be alwasy there for her.. therfore she demands more freedom for mroe companions...guys arew always liek tat... wans theri gfs to have them and them and only them.. but they have theri own frens... when force to answer this question they will alwasy say that because theri frens are worth callign and frens and wun be bad influence to them... -.- only u all frens is gd frens.. our fren not fren meh.. i tihnk if i ur gf den u left mi alone for 1mth i leave alone alone alone in this whoel bloody big world i will start to regain my "concious" too.. cos everyday so happy and satisfy ard with bf, feel that without him aorund u wil be at lost.....den one day bf not there u will start to feel lose dunno what to do...den gradually u will feel taht"actualyl even if he is not ard life still goes on" will begin to realise actually i dun need him so much... 1 mth of alone life still pass without the company of the bf therefore... she may feels she dun need u tat much after all.. the regain of concious... hahha hmmmm abit crappy... but nvmm... jus my 5cents worht of comments....
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jz give her the space she wants.... try to understand her situation... yes she was a loving gf b4 but mayb wat she was doing b4 might not do her too gd so shes balancing her life... so u gonna b understanding here... if u wanna noe if she love u, jz ask a straight question yes or no... if she say yes, accept it n carry on ur role... jz dun say tis to her ->"do you realise that you have changed? i feel you don't love me as much as before." hor... since she denies it, jz accept it... ur days of mcp is over... now jz go b nice n b a understanding n supportive bf... tink she'll greatly appreciate tat...
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Well, I can say that you are a very selfish jerk.
In the past, what she does is actually like a pet, because only pet live in that way. You said you love her, but you expecting her to be like a pet? She is your girlfriend not pet, how can you treat her like that?
What she demands now is what she supposes to have. Well, tell me, which human on the Earth are not suppose to have that kind of freedom? She has sacrifices too much for you in the past. Glad that she is a wake now.
Remember, love is just an excuse, if you really love someone, you should give her freedom to do what she want.
I guess you could be IT people, girls (or perhaps I should say, human), will not live according to your specifications. There are no such things like "she should be with you and you are her only one in this world by dumping all her friends".
ThatÂ’s really too much, you just a selfish nut. I think if you let go, she will be glad that she has a better life, rather than living like a pet with you.
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personally i feel that she should get her own life also.
perhaps she had been tolerating too much..yes, she may love you..but she needs friends also.
why are her friends your enemies? is there any misunderstanding?
perhaps just learn to respect her wishes? respect her friends? if u are worried for her..accompany her to go to those parties?
as for the part where she told u if u wana pursue ur interests etc..go ahead..i agree with her. Even if i love somebody too much..more than myself..i will say the same thing..for i cant be too selfish to make him stay for me and give up his better future. if i can go with him, i'll go. but if i have other commitments here, i will advise him to go without me..but that does not mean a break up.
moreover, the future holds too many uncertainties. -
everyone needs freedom lah
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you bastardOriginally posted by dumbdumb!:coincidently.. i'm kinda seeing this girl who is attached to a guy who sounds like you. oh man. 
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Everyone has their own separate lives, you have your own life and she has hers too...
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i don't know man... i mean.. i also feel its unethical.. but go out as friends mah.
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see lah. being MCP hs no good ending.
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live like a pig, die like a pig eh?
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You 'STRANGLED' her. What you have just witnessed is just a 'strike back'.Originally posted by velvet:I have been in this relationship with my girl for 2 years, she used to be an active person participating in various activities like performing (either singing or dancing) or sometimes singing in pub, while i'm more of a 'home-guy' who doesn't like to go out and prefers staying at home with family. My only problem is i'm a little MCP.
She gradually gave up everything because of my influence (mostly because i didn't like her going out for activities and coming back extremely late), and that she could spend more time with me. Initially she did it so willingly, cos she says she loves me so much, her life was totally revolving around me, i was her everything.
But recently after i came back from a one month outstation job duty, everything changed. She start telling me that last time she was too 'into' me that she finds that she had lost her own life, her own identity, that is why she was so upset and depressed when i had to leave her.
Now she's telling me she wants her life back, she wants to go back to sing in a pub joining back the group of friends where i once had deep animosity with (cos of some major misunderstanding). Last time she promised me she would never join these people ever again, but now she's breaking her promise and even telling me that it was silly of her previously to end her friendship with those people(my enemies).
Now she strongly demands her freedom and complains that i'm extremely MCP. The saddest thing that she told me is, "i wanna do whatever things that i like in my life, you should also go pursue anything that you really wanna accomplish. I give you total freedom, so i expect the same from you!"
I feel so insecure suddenly, i told her, "do you realise that you have changed? i feel you don't love me as much as before." But she denies.
The last thing that she said hurts me most is saying, "if ever you got the chance to leave me to pursue your career or maybe studies, just go ahead, i'm not worth for you to stay. Even if in the end we can't be a couple also nevermind."
I broke down to tears after i hung up the phone with her. She used to be such a loving gf, she would do anything for me, she puts me at her top priority anytime. But now, its seems like i lost my position in her heart totally. The urge of breaking up with her keeps haunting my mind, i really dunno what to do.
She is right in the fact that both of you should have your own lives other than the relationship alone. The way you've put it out to be (and somehow got so used to), has formed a 'dead trap' of its own.
It's only natural to take occasion like this (your going overseas) to let her realise that she doesn't have a life of her own.
And in the awakening of your selfness, set having yourself as priority in her life and by placing restrictions in who she could have been.
Think about it this way? It's sad to wake up one morning with a knife stabbed in your heart and realised that you've already been decaying for 2 years... Yes. She has you. But she has no life. Only zombies can live with that.
And if you really care for and love this girl, you should think of how she feels?
Not just what it used to be and how it 'should' be....
What's the point of crying? The 'STRUGGLE OFF' is to let you know that between having a life and you alone, she chose a LIFE. And to think of the years in which you've selfishly made a 'zombie' out of her... You really owe her much... -
thanks alot for the quick response, the nice advices and those reprimanding (i know i deserve some)
but some things i would like to clear up is that firstly i did not shun her of everything that she wanna do. She still goes out with friends, stay overnight at friends' house, continue to always meet new 'male species' on the net and still in frequent contact with quite a number of very close friends of the opposite sex.
She's the type of character who is always active, always sociable and ever over-friendly/warm towards opposite sex. On the other hand i love a simple and monotonous lifestyle. God knows why we got together. Anyways she used to tell me she love the way i am, and she's extremely happy to lead this simple life with me, so that's why she initiatively/willingly gave up on alot of activities for me and became Ms Serene...that's when i felt that i really love her alot.
but if she were to gradually go back to what she used to be (aka Ms Spontaneous) , frankly speaking, its not the type of girl that i really want. That's why i always ask 'do people really change for love?' I get mixed answers everytime. Some people say yes while others say leopard can never change its spots. I guess she'd probably belong to the later.
Sometimes i get so confused by her, as one moment she would complain of can't being herself when together with me, then the next moment she says that she feels so comfortable with me and so willing to do anything for me.
Is it time to let go of this relationship? Considering that perhaps she was never the type of girl that i like? I dunno, I keep on pondering without getting any answers -
knl...u r damn selfish le...u xpect her to do all e changes to suit u mer...think u king of e world ar? kns....
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Hi velvet.Originally posted by velvet:thanks alot for the quick response, the nice advices and those reprimanding (i know i deserve some)
but some things i would like to clear up is that firstly i did not shun her of everything that she wanna do. She still goes out with friends, stay overnight at friends' house, continue to always meet new 'male species' on the net and still in frequent contact with quite a number of very close friends of the opposite sex.
She's the type of character who is always active, always sociable and ever over-friendly/warm towards opposite sex. On the other hand i love a simple and monotonous lifestyle. God knows why we got together. Anyways she used to tell me she love the way i am, and she's extremely happy to lead this simple life with me, so that's why she initiatively/willingly gave up on alot of activities for me and became Ms Serene...that's when i felt that i really love her alot.
but if she were to gradually go back to what she used to be (aka Ms Spontaneous) , frankly speaking, its not the type of girl that i really want. That's why i always ask 'do people really change for love?' I get mixed answers everytime. Some people say yes while others say leopard can never change its spots. I guess she'd probably belong to the later.
Sometimes i get so confused by her, as one moment she would complain of can't being herself when together with me, then the next moment she says that she feels so comfortable with me and so willing to do anything for me.
Is it time to let go of this relationship? Considering that perhaps she was never the type of girl that i like? I dunno, I keep on pondering without getting any answers
I've read your previous post including the above quoted post. And honestly speaking, I feel for you. I know how much it might have hurt you this way. However, let's put emotions aside right now and focus on more important things instead.
Okay. Back to the real topic... and I've got only a few words to confront you - You don't "get it"! - Get it? If not, nvm.
1) Before you ever think or confess in your posts that your girl has changed, ask yourself these bloody questions,
"Have you changed also?",
"Have you let her down in any ways before?",
"How would you rate yourself out of ten stars judging from a girl's point of view (feelings) about you?",
and the most important question is,
"Has your kind of so called 'MAN-liness' or 'manhood' deteriorated to a point where she no longer regards you as a guy she could trust her life with?"
In another words, have you by accident, turn yourself into a Wuss? (Check the american dictionary or ask any Ang-Moh speaking frens if u dunno wad a Wuss is.)
2) I really agree with the forumites here that you are restricting her in many ways. And I believe that even in a relationship, there must be some time and space for each individual to do their own stuffs, to spend time alone or whatsoever. Moreover, you and your girl are not married yet, so there ought to be some private times here and there still. Also, I want you to reflect on the comments these people here have commented about you - Are you a selfish arse? Yes reflect on that. No need to post your answers here. You know it yourself, then DO something about it.
3) Just wanna clarify something here. "Do people really change for love?" The answer is, "Only a fool will do that. And I mean a REAL fool." This is the same way of asking a question like, "Does a guy gives up his career for a woman?" RUBBISH! Only a Wuss will do that. Let me tell you one thing, one doesn't need to change for love. Love is not of any conditions, rather, it's a decision and then, an action. You decide, then act on it. Get it dude?
4) Since you're the "stay-at-home" kind of guy, I suggest, you do some activities instead. Go pick up some outdoor sports, hobbies, games or life. No point sitting at home thinking and meditating that you are a homely person all the time. Just a reminder, even if you think you are a piece of shit, hey, you are right! It's all in the mind. Mind you, I'm not trying to change you, I'm just making suggestions on some ways of improving the quality of your life and it's YOUR choice.
5) You wrote this - "Is it time to let go of this relationship? Considering that perhaps she was never the type of girl that i like? I dunno, I keep on pondering without getting any answers." What's going on here...? Are you in doubt? Haha... that speaks clearly on how you value your "love" for her. In my opinion, I think you should quit pondering and start loving. And as a third party reading this final note from you, man... I'm really disappointed in you. Bark up pal!
yours sincerely,
S.H.I.N. -
If u really let go of this r/s i hope u dun end up controlling the girl in yr next r/s then. good luck
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First of all
I believe that even though 2 people can love each other deeply, they're free to pursue their own interests and lead their own lives.
I do not think that people in love, should give up everything else, all their friends, lives and other things that they so deeply enjoyed before, just to spend more time with their loved ones.
This may backfire, and make the relationship stale and boring quickly.
Instead, why don't the two of you try, try to enjoy doing what the other likes, and enjoy them together?
If that can be done, then you won't have to fear her going after some other guy or something to that effect.
Just remember, the honeymoon period in your relationship has just ended. Its time to lead your own life Outside of the relationship again. -
most of the reply here will be she shld have her own life and u shld give her freedom or watever so... but remember GF is urs, when freedom is given and she is gone with others the only one at loss is u too. so decide on how the situation is and compromise with each other.. good luck to ur relationship cheers!
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when u ask "do ppl change for love?" have u considered, she might be wondering why can't u change and be more outgoing n spontanous for her too? Who's the one who should change for love then? its obviously not fair to expect one partner to change completely for the other. So here now the question to ask yourself is, what makes u think SHE has to change for you, and not YOU for her?
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ONe of the most common reason for relationship failures is tt one party is overly possessive.. not giving the other person enough freedom n personal space to lead the life she would like to have.. u shouldnt be so selfish as to force her to do things tt u like n not wat she likes.. by accomodating u initially shows tt she respects n cherishes u.. but have u shown enough respect to her by giving the freedom tt she rightfully deserves as an individual? Mind u.. she doesnt have to lead her life for u..
she doesnt force u to change to suit her lifestyle.. den y should u force her to suit yours.. people r different from each other.. n it applies to both of u.. certain accomodation from both parties r required but nv on way only..
if u really love this girl.. u would want her to be happy... have u done anything to make her happy.. i dun think a bird in a cage is ever happy regardless of whether the owner gives it quality food etc.. it's greatest wish is to be able to flap its wings once more..
personally.. i think u already know wat u SHOULD do.. u juz need extra push to do so.. good luck.. dun lose her bcoz of ur pettiness n narrow-mindedness.. i believe she's more impt to u den other issues tt irks u.. -
yea but velvet got say that is the gal willingly say wan to change for him one... he din restrain her or force her to change... i think velvet is jus feelign y she so willingly to change for him in the past yet noe go back agst words and say she wans freedom when no one has actualy restrain her form her freedom... haiz u both also got bit bit wrong la... each walk back one step den solve eveveryshet liao lor... u mix ard more she mix ard lesser.. den PERFECT match liao lor... but guys usually (always to be exact) are damn EGOISTIC ppl... they wun admit defeat or step back one...
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Originally posted by m)phosis:yea but velvet got say that is the gal willingly say wan to change for him one... he din restrain her or force her to change... i think velvet is jus feelign y she so willingly to change for him in the past yet noe go back agst words and say she wans freedom when no one has actualy restrain her form her freedom... haiz u both also got bit bit wrong la... each walk back one step den solve eveveryshet liao lor... u mix ard more she mix ard lesser.. den PERFECT match liao lor... but guys usually (always to be exact) are damn EGOISTIC ppl... they wun admit defeat or step back one...
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Originally posted by velvet:thanks alot for the quick response, the nice advices and those reprimanding (i know i deserve some)
but some things i would like to clear up is that firstly i did not shun her of everything that she wanna do. She still goes out with friends, stay overnight at friends' house, continue to always meet new 'male species' on the net and still in frequent contact with quite a number of very close friends of the opposite sex.
She's the type of character who is always active, always sociable and ever over-friendly/warm towards opposite sex. On the other hand i love a simple and monotonous lifestyle. God knows why we got together. Anyways she used to tell me she love the way i am, and she's extremely happy to lead this simple life with me, so that's why she initiatively/willingly gave up on alot of activities for me and became Ms Serene...that's when i felt that i really love her alot.
but if she were to gradually go back to what she used to be (aka Ms Spontaneous) , frankly speaking, its not the type of girl that i really want. That's why i always ask 'do people really change for love?' I get mixed answers everytime. Some people say yes while others say leopard can never change its spots. I guess she'd probably belong to the later.
Sometimes i get so confused by her, as one moment she would complain of can't being herself when together with me, then the next moment she says that she feels so comfortable with me and so willing to do anything for me.
Is it time to let go of this relationship? Considering that perhaps she was never the type of girl that i like? I dunno, I keep on pondering without getting any answers 
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yo mr devil. any words from u? dunno leh. like no straight answer.. in love, 1 + 1 may not add up to 2