gf demands freedom...help
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heh. i encountered sucha problem before. normally if yr gf is a girl wiv a gd social life and she can really do without you, once u reached this stage, its quite hard to solve. all the best.
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Changes in the situation around relationship. Changes in the person you love.. Are sometimes just few of the things that happens...Originally posted by dumbdumb!:yo mr devil. any words from u? dunno leh. like no straight answer.. in love, 1 + 1 may not add up to 2
Always try to strike a balance...
Like I've said, holding back too much of a person would only cause 'strike back' at times... In cases where people generally described as 'I don't recognise him / her anymore'....
Mr Velvet is trying to see things from a different perception now...?
In 'pre-stable relationship requirements', there is also this thing call 'settle down'... Often heard in conversations about marriages... Which is actually used to describe a person's character molding... If a person's heart and mind is not really 'fixed', it won't be easy for a partner to handle this person in a stable relationship UNLESS the partner is also EQUALLY FAST-CHANGING and SHARE a VERY CLOSE MINDSET.....
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girls are f.ucking weird...if you chain them, they'll want to fly away...if you give them too much freedom, they'll wonder if you love them enough...
best thing is get as many f.ucks from her as possible every day & night if possible...that way if she does f.uck off in another direction, you'll still have gotten some satisfaction out of the relationship...
always remember girls are for f.ucking, not companionship... -
Sacrifice.Originally posted by velvet:I have been in this relationship with my girl for 2 years, she used to be an active person participating in various activities like performing (either singing or dancing) or sometimes singing in pub, while i'm more of a 'home-guy' who doesn't like to go out and prefers staying at home with family. My only problem is i'm a little MCP.
She gradually gave up everything because of my influence (mostly because i didn't like her going out for activities and coming back extremely late), and that she could spend more time with me. Initially she did it so willingly, cos she says she loves me so much, her life was totally revolving around me, i was her everything.
But recently after i came back from a one month outstation job duty, everything changed. She start telling me that last time she was too 'into' me that she finds that she had lost her own life, her own identity, that is why she was so upset and depressed when i had to leave her.
Now she's telling me she wants her life back, she wants to go back to sing in a pub joining back the group of friends where i once had deep animosity with (cos of some major misunderstanding). Last time she promised me she would never join these people ever again, but now she's breaking her promise and even telling me that it was silly of her previously to end her friendship with those people(my enemies).
Now she strongly demands her freedom and complains that i'm extremely MCP. The saddest thing that she told me is, "i wanna do whatever things that i like in my life, you should also go pursue anything that you really wanna accomplish. I give you total freedom, so i expect the same from you!"
I feel so insecure suddenly, i told her, "do you realise that you have changed? i feel you don't love me as much as before." But she denies.
The last thing that she said hurts me most is saying, "if ever you got the chance to leave me to pursue your career or maybe studies, just go ahead, i'm not worth for you to stay. Even if in the end we can't be a couple also nevermind."
I broke down to tears after i hung up the phone with her. She used to be such a loving gf, she would do anything for me, she puts me at her top priority anytime. But now, its seems like i lost my position in her heart totally. The urge of breaking up with her keeps haunting my mind, i really dunno what to do.
This is one thingy that cannot substain for long if one desire growth in both their life and relationship. Restriction in relationship is highly subjective because restriction puts a limit to a person's way of life, denying other source of happiness, comfort and enjoyment, one used to have. Sometimes restriction is positive - in a constructive relationship, the restriction applied is for the better influence and NOT brought about due to PERSONAL self interest. (For example, smoking)
Yours falls under the latter category; insecurity, unfamilarity with her way of life, added with a little tint of MCP - it's no surprise.
A healthy relationship is when one, simultaneously, also have a good life OUTSIDE their relationship.
Loving gf in the past?
Your one month outstation made her realise the kind of life she missed and desire, as she would likely, returned back to the days what she was before you. Don't be mistaken, its no fault at all - you should realise that we cannot conform our partner to our liking. Everyone is unique and the minute we remove this factor (that subconsciously draw us in the first place - a shocking truth), it's a different thingy althogether. One of the top ten mistake a man/woman make before getting into marriage (it still applies to you in your case), is that a relationship cannot change anything; it merely adapt, evolve and mould. Your influence made her go one way; external factor pull her away from this one way - in the end, your realise that you cannot truely sever the path althogether. Please understand that she complements you. One passive, one active - instead of influencing you out of your box a little, you pulled her into the box with you.
In a line graph, over a period of time, the graph will start to decline and tata! The result of your post appeared - You fear and cry because your 'box' security is shaken.
P.S: By having her to own a healthy life outside you, is her own personal entitlement (unless her lifestyle is 'destructive' to herself or the relationship by nature) and by allowing it on your side is NOT sacrifice - it's called respecting of personal space.
Cheers -
the 1st para makes alot of sense.. i guess a balance is crucial..Originally posted by mahai102:girls are f.ucking weird...if you chain them, they'll want to fly away...if you give them too much freedom, they'll wonder if you love them enough...
best thing is get as many f.ucks from her as possible every day & night if possible...that way if she does f.uck off in another direction, you'll still have gotten some satisfaction out of the relationship...
always remember girls are for f.ucking, not companionship...
2nd n 3rd i'll not comment..
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C H EE BYE lah... love her for who she is and not what u want out of her... If you want to mould her into something that she isn't...you don't love her in the first place. You just want to tie her at your side and amuse yourself. F ARK man... I hate people like this
Originally posted by velvet:thanks alot for the quick response, the nice advices and those reprimanding (i know i deserve some)
but some things i would like to clear up is that firstly i did not shun her of everything that she wanna do. She still goes out with friends, stay overnight at friends' house, continue to always meet new 'male species' on the net and still in frequent contact with quite a number of very close friends of the opposite sex.
She's the type of character who is always active, always sociable and ever over-friendly/warm towards opposite sex. On the other hand i love a simple and monotonous lifestyle. God knows why we got together. Anyways she used to tell me she love the way i am, and she's extremely happy to lead this simple life with me, so that's why she initiatively/willingly gave up on alot of activities for me and became Ms Serene...that's when i felt that i really love her alot.
but if she were to gradually go back to what she used to be (aka Ms Spontaneous) , frankly speaking, its not the type of girl that i really want. That's why i always ask 'do people really change for love?' I get mixed answers everytime. Some people say yes while others say leopard can never change its spots. I guess she'd probably belong to the later. -
haiz, things happen unexpectedly at times..
my 1st post
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thanks alot for the quick response, the nice advices and those reprimanding (i know i deserve some)
but some things i would like to clear up is that firstly i did not shun her of everything that she wanna do. She still goes out with friends, stay overnight at friends' house, continue to always meet new 'male species' on the net and still in frequent contact with quite a number of very close friends of the opposite sex.
She's the type of character who is always active, always sociable and ever over-friendly/warm towards opposite sex. On the other hand i love a simple and monotonous lifestyle. God knows why we got together. Anyways she used to tell me she love the way i am, and she's extremely happy to lead this simple life with me, so that's why she initiatively/willingly gave up on alot of activities for me and became Ms Serene...that's when i felt that i really love her alot.
but if she were to gradually go back to what she used to be (aka Ms Spontaneous) , frankly speaking, its not the type of girl that i really want. That's why i always ask 'do people really change for love?' I get mixed answers everytime. Some people say yes while others say leopard can never change its spots. I guess she'd probably belong to the later.
Yes, i agree that if you love someone, you should change for the person, BUT you have to also consider, is the change good for you? Her willingness to give up her active social life is your good fortune, but it is not good for her. Just like you said, when you went outstation, she felt sad and depressed, that's because her ONE AND ONLY security (YOU) is no longer there, and she's lost. Since you claim to love her, you wouldn't want her to feel lost right? Think of how she would feel everytime you have to disappear for outstation for weeks on end. Would you rather prefer a cheerful gf or a depressed one??
As for you not liking her frequent contact with ther opposite sex, that's an issue of trust between the two of you. Though I agree that she should be "more automatic", should know that she has a bf and hence don't let the bf worry, but if she's close to them, but not doing anything that is wrong to her relationship with you, there's nothing wrong with it! They are afterall still her friends.
Sometimes i get so confused by her, as one moment she would complain of can't being herself when together with me, then the next moment she says that she feels so comfortable with me and so willing to do anything for me.
Maybe that's because she herself is confused too.
Is it time to let go of this relationship? Considering that perhaps she was never the type of girl that i like? I dunno, I keep on pondering without getting any answers
If she was never the type of girl that you like, why start in the first place? Maybe you should sit down and have a good talk with her before you even think of whether to let go of the relationship. Tell her about what you worry about, why you think she has changed. Don't just assume that she knows everything! She may not even know how worried you are with her having a fantastic social life! I am not her, so I don't know what she really thinks and how she really feels, but it's really stupid to end a relationship just because u ASSUME that she has changed and that she no longer loves you.