Commitment...
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Hi all,
Yesterday, my nephew (who's only a few yrs younger than me, & who's q. close to me) told me his fren thot he wasn't ready for commitment, & therefore, isn't ready for a r'ship.
This kinda started me thinking, & finally, I ans'd him. Since I believe there're some who wonder abt commitment, & who get frus when they can't get commitment from their partners, I'll share wat I told him wif u. I chose to post it here, cosh I believe it'll help pple here, & tt's wat Aunt Agony's all abt : ) So here goes...
At 22, most pple dun even noe wat commitment is abt. There's still so much in life to focus on, & to experience, such as career. Commitment isn't simply juz sticking to 1 partner for the rest of ur life, it's abt making ur partner feel cherished & loved, to the extent tt they wanna commit to u.
How r u gonna be able to tell tt the person u fancy is gonna be The One, who'll give u support & love u, & for whom u're willing to do the same until u enter into a r'ship wif tt person? : )
For the above reasons, & perhaps more (which I've forgotten cosh I can't remember ev. thg sez'd to my nephew), commitment shdn't, & muzn't, be demanded. It's abt how tt person makes u feel so loved & cherished & more to the pt tt u feel u wanna commit, & the same applies the other way round...
These r juz my observations... Wat do the rest of u think? : ) And I hope it'll oso be of help to some : )
FeowFeow -
hmm, I guess I will post something since I broke up with my ex cos of this reason, when he told me he couldn't commit. yes, we are both very young. But can you honestly continue to be with someone who told you that he can only be with you for a short period of time? Someone who wouldn't even try to stay with you after let's say circumstances try to make both of you go your own way?
Isn't it cruel to a girl to just continue to be with a guy just in hope that he will change and come to love her one day, she will put her all into the relationship but when the times come for them to part, they will just go their own separate way? What about her feelings that she has developed for that guy? What will she do with them once the guy told them it is time for them to just part, as if all that has happened between them before has never happened? Just because we should not expect to be committed in a relationship, should be expect to be emotionally distant as well, so as to not get ourselves hurt badly? But then, how would we know what is it like to truly love someone?
i.c.y -
Dear Icy,
I really sympathise wif ur broken heart. U've reminded me, I did tell my nephew tt he shd think carefully & judge whether or Not he's ready for a r'ship. It's kinda different from being ready for commitment, cosh it's almost impossible to tell tt the person u're entering a r'ship wif is The One. U'll only haf an idea when u've been wif tt person, & u noe tt person is rite for u...
So being ready for a r'ship & being ready for commitment r 2 different thgs, & we shdn't confuse the 2. Precious few of us r lucky enuff to find The One in our 1st r'ships. We usu hafta try & try again before we find the Right One : ) And hence the cliche, searching for Love, or searching for The One.
If tt person can't stay wif u due to certain circumstances, then perhaps tt person wasn't The One for u? : ) And u weren't the 1 he cldn't live without. Sorree for putting it so bluntly, but it cld be the case. But sooner or later, u'll find the person who can't live without u, & whom u can't live without. That person will then wanna make tt commitment to u, & vice versa...
We learn from r'ships, rgding wat we wan in life, wat we wan in a partner, wat we wan in marriage, etc etc etc. It's Not abt holding back on ur emotions. Rather, commitment isn't the be-all & end-all, it's Not wat a r'ship is abt. It's abt cherishing the person, & if u're lucky, tt person will wanna commit to u cosh he can't live without u : ) And tt's wat's finally happened to me : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:hmm, I guess I will post something since I broke up with my ex cos of this reason, when he told me he couldn't commit. yes, we are both very young. But can you honestly continue to be with someone who told you that he can only be with you for a short period of time? Someone who wouldn't even try to stay with you after let's say circumstances try to make both of you go your own way?
Isn't it cruel to a girl to just continue to be with a guy just in hope that he will change and come to love her one day, she will put her all into the relationship but when the times come for them to part, they will just go their own separate way? What about her feelings that she has developed for that guy? What will she do with them once the guy told them it is time for them to just part, as if all that has happened between them before has never happened? Just because we should not expect to be committed in a relationship, should be expect to be emotionally distant as well, so as to not get ourselves hurt badly? But then, how would we know what is it like to truly love someone?
i.c.y -
I think is very hard to say whether that person is ready for commitment then go for a relationship. Sometimes we do see some students barely 12-13 yrs r holding hands and into a relationship. Do they know what is commitment? If your nephew really like that girl, jus go after her. Last time I do puzzled bout this, and miss the boat. Hope your nephew wont b affected by what other say.
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Don't worry about saying it bluntly, I have accepted that factOriginally posted by FeowFeow:Dear Icy,
I really sympathise wif ur broken heart. U've reminded me, I did tell my nephew tt he shd think carefully & judge whether or Not he's ready for a r'ship. It's kinda different from being ready for commitment, cosh it's almost impossible to tell tt the person u're entering a r'ship wif is The One. U'll only haf an idea when u've been wif tt person, & u noe tt person is rite for u...
So being ready for a r'ship & being ready for commitment r 2 different thgs, & we shdn't confuse the 2. Precious few of us r lucky enuff to find The One in our 1st r'ships. We usu hafta try & try again before we find the Right One : ) And hence the cliche, searching for Love, or searching for The One.
If tt person can't stay wif u due to certain circumstances, then perhaps tt person wasn't The One for u? : ) And u weren't the 1 he cldn't live without. Sorree for putting it so bluntly, but it cld be the case. But sooner or later, u'll find the person who can't live without u, & whom u can't live without. That person will then wanna make tt commitment to u, & vice versa...
We learn from r'ships, rgding wat we wan in life, wat we wan in a partner, wat we wan in marriage, etc etc etc. It's Not abt holding back on ur emotions. Rather, commitment isn't the be-all & end-all, it's Not wat a r'ship is abt. It's abt cherishing the person, & if u're lucky, tt person will wanna commit to u cosh he can't live without u : ) And tt's wat's finally happened to me : )
FeowFeow
What you said is true, I guess both of us are not ready for relationship. He said he is not ready for one that will need him to be emotionally involved, tho I could not see why should one get into a r/s if there is not emotion involved. I guess that was one of the major reasons why I broke up with him, even tho it was hard for me to do so. I guess I had put my heart into this r/s and I couldn't stay in it if he refuses to share his love with me as well. He told me he doesn't know what love is like...I don't know whether I should be angry or sad when I heard this...but I rememeber telling him that I hope he will find someone one day who will finally be able to teach him what is the meaning to love someone as much as I had once loved him...
i.c.y -
I partially disagree and partially disagree with what u sayOriginally posted by FeowFeow:Hi all,
Yesterday, my nephew (who's only a few yrs younger than me, & who's q. close to me) told me his fren thot he wasn't ready for commitment, & therefore, isn't ready for a r'ship.
This kinda started me thinking, & finally, I ans'd him. Since I believe there're some who wonder abt commitment, & who get frus when they can't get commitment from their partners, I'll share wat I told him wif u. I chose to post it here, cosh I believe it'll help pple here, & tt's wat Aunt Agony's all abt : ) So here goes...
At 22, most pple dun even noe wat commitment is abt. There's still so much in life to focus on, & to experience, such as career. Commitment isn't simply juz sticking to 1 partner for the rest of ur life, it's abt making ur partner feel cherished & loved, to the extent tt they wanna commit to u.
How r u gonna be able to tell tt the person u fancy is gonna be The One, who'll give u support & love u, & for whom u're willing to do the same until u enter into a r'ship wif tt person? : )
For the above reasons, & perhaps more (which I've forgotten cosh I can't remember ev. thg sez'd to my nephew), commitment shdn't, & muzn't, be demanded. It's abt how tt person makes u feel so loved & cherished & more to the pt tt u feel u wanna commit, & the same applies the other way round...
These r juz my observations... Wat do the rest of u think? : ) And I hope it'll oso be of help to some : )
FeowFeow
Maybe it's because I am looking at a woman's point of view as some "women" actually mature earlier than men. (I don't disagree that some males do mature faster than females)
Maybe because I know of alot of mothers or friends who were married by the age of 20 -25 (and not SHOT GUN, okay?)
Maybe cos I have a niece and nephew who just got married 2 yrs back and they are 20 and 23 respectively
Maybe cos I married at 22 (not SHOT GUN - cos I know alot of "wise-cracks" here will make that comment!)
And the part I agree is that, nowadays, I feel that most kids (I feel old already) don't understand what is a r/s and rush into a r/s without understanding the fundamental value of it. Maybe it's because they just treat this as a "game" and nothing serious, or maybe its just following the trends....
Most of the time commitment = demands from their partners. They do NOT look at the other side of things like commitment = tolerance = give & take = love = security = comfort level = etc
It's alot of things and not just demanding from each other this and that.
Well, not sure if I make senses leh...
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Too tiring...y muz committment be so confused n sound so tiring???
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I think... it depends on what point of your life you are at at the moment ba...
First of all, what IS commitment, when you say you expect commitment from someone?
is it:
1. To treat the relationship seriously and be faithful to you, i.e. no infidelity during the course of the relationship.
or
2. Committed to a long term aim. i.e. marriage.
I think you need to clarify this with the person you are dating. And unless you are very sure that both emotions and circumstances allow you to consider 2., then I don't think you should pressure someone to be committed to a marriage, when neither is ready for it.
Unfortunately, many insecure people tend to push for 2 simply to reassure themselves that this person love/care for them. However, most of the time the problem lies with 1. which indicates a different set of problems.
Can you imagine, if you feel the person isn't even taking the relationship seriously, why the hell do you want to know if he/she wants to marry you or not in the long run? -
Now..that's tiring...so much to consider....Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:I think... it depends on what point of your life you are at at the moment ba...
First of all, what IS commitment, when you say you expect commitment from someone?
is it:
1. To treat the relationship seriously and be faithful to you, i.e. no infidelity during the course of the relationship.
or
2. Committed to a long term aim. i.e. marriage.
I think you need to clarify this with the person you are dating. And unless you are very sure that both emotions and circumstances allow you to consider 2., then I don't think you should pressure someone to be committed to a marriage, when neither is ready for it.
Unfortunately, many insecure people tend to push for 2 simply to reassure themselves that this person love/care for them. However, most of the time the problem lies with 1. which indicates a different set of problems.
Can you imagine, if you feel the person isn't even taking the relationship seriously, why the hell do you want to know if he/she wants to marry you or not in the long run? -
What if someone you have been dating told you he is ready to be mutually exclusive to you, as in he will be faithful to you during the course of the "r/s", but it would not be for long term?Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:I think... it depends on what point of your life you are at at the moment ba...
First of all, what IS commitment, when you say you expect commitment from someone?
is it:
1. To treat the relationship seriously and be faithful to you, i.e. no infidelity during the course of the relationship.
or
2. Committed to a long term aim. i.e. marriage.
I think you need to clarify this with the person you are dating. And unless you are very sure that both emotions and circumstances allow you to consider 2., then I don't think you should pressure someone to be committed to a marriage, when neither is ready for it.
Unfortunately, many insecure people tend to push for 2 simply to reassure themselves that this person love/care for them. However, most of the time the problem lies with 1. which indicates a different set of problems.
Can you imagine, if you feel the person isn't even taking the relationship seriously, why the hell do you want to know if he/she wants to marry you or not in the long run?
i.c.y -
Yes...that's the point..you can forget abt wasting your time....Originally posted by icyprincess:What if someone you have been dating told you he is ready to be mutually exclusive to you, as in he will be faithful to you during the course of the "r/s", but it would not be for long term?
i.c.y -
No one says going into a r/s is going to be easy, dun think it is only about being with a person, it requires a lot of work, effort and thoughts. Life in a r/s is not always a bed of roses, it has its fair share of heartbreaks too.Originally posted by dcx:Now..that's tiring...so much to consider....
If you think it is too tiring, it can be sometimes. Maybe you are just not ready for it.
i.c.y -
Actually, i'm ready at anytime...juz felt that y the need to be so "fan nao"...if the partner's not ready...then ask him/her when she ready...let's say max.2yrs??? And if he/she can't compromise...i see no point of carrying on n waste time...As simple as that..Originally posted by icyprincess:No one says going into a r/s is going to be easy, dun think it is only about being with a person, it requires a lot of work, effort and thoughts. Life in a r/s is not always a bed of roses, it has its fair share of heartbreaks too.
If you think it is too tiring, it can be sometimes. Maybe you are just not ready for it.
i.c.y -
yea, I also dun want to wait. Too much uncertainties.Originally posted by dcx:Actually, i'm ready at anytime...juz felt that y the need to be so "fan nao"...if the partner's not ready...then ask him/her when she ready...let's say max.2yrs??? And if he/she can't compromise...i see no point of carrying on n waste time...As simple as that..
i.c.y -
I think any guy's capable of commitment. Haven't you seen them bashing away at the same game for months on end?
He just needs to meet the right girl at the right time. -
!!!! I found you liaoz....come...let's go ROM n get committed.Originally posted by icyprincess:yea, I also dun want to wait. Too much uncertainties.
i.c.y -
Erm...that's what you think..Originally posted by choco B:I think any guy's capable of commitment. Haven't you seen them bashing away at the same game for months on end?
He just needs to meet the right girl at the right time.
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No? You mean, some guys cannot commit to a relationship, no matter what?Originally posted by dcx:Erm...that's what you think..
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Hi : )
No, there's No particular girl my nephew likes, but his fren simply sez'd he shdn't enter r'ships cosh he thinks my nephew isn't ready to commit.
Oh puh-lease! Who's he to judge? That's wat I told my nephew.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by murphydannylfc:I think is very hard to say whether that person is ready for commitment then go for a relationship. Sometimes we do see some students barely 12-13 yrs r holding hands and into a relationship. Do they know what is commitment? If your nephew really like that girl, jus go after her. Last time I do puzzled bout this, and miss the boat. Hope your nephew wont b affected by what other say. -
I do not know...all i know is abt myself...the rest of the guys i can make assumptions....i cannot certain themOriginally posted by choco B:No? You mean, some guys cannot commit to a relationship, no matter what? -
some could, but not all of them. Well, maybe all of them could, when it is the right time and with the right girlOriginally posted by choco B:No? You mean, some guys cannot commit to a relationship, no matter what?
i.c.y -
Then for sure I'll play for keeps! Get married also may not be long term. No one owes anyone anything, and there are no guarantees in life, cannot be a ninny and be lose all chances cos afraid of a broken heart.Originally posted by icyprincess:What if someone you have been dating told you he is ready to be mutually exclusive to you, as in he will be faithful to you during the course of the "r/s", but it would not be for long term?
i.c.y -
What if he says right now he cannot be emotionally involved? Would you still go ahead and put your heart into it, only to get out a year later even more hurt than ever?Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:Then for sure I'll play for keeps! Get married also may not be long term. No one owes anyone anything, and there are no guarantees in life, cannot be a ninny and be lose all chances cos afraid of a broken heart.
i.c.y -
Yah, that's what I said.Originally posted by icyprincess:some could, but not all of them. Well, maybe all of them could, when it is the right time and with the right girl
i.c.y -
Hi Icy,
U can look @ it in a positive light, tt from ur failed r'ship, u learnt tt there're some thgs tt u dowan in a r'ship. And after u've gotten over this painful split, u'll be ready to enter a r'ship wif someone else, a little wiser, a little smarter : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:Don't worry about saying it bluntly, I have accepted that fact What you said is true, I guess both of us are not ready for relationship. He said he is not ready for one that will need him to be emotionally involved, tho I could not see why should one get into a r/s if there is not emotion involved. I guess that was one of the major reasons why I broke up with him, even tho it was hard for me to do so. I guess I had put my heart into this r/s and I couldn't stay in it if he refuses to share his love with me as well. He told me he doesn't know what love is like...I don't know whether I should be angry or sad when I heard this...but I rememeber telling him that I hope he will find someone one day who will finally be able to teach him what is the meaning to love someone as much as I had once loved him...
i.c.y