Commitment...
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Dear IceBaby0,
I do agree wif wat u sez, commitment means so much more than juz staying wif 1 person all ur life. It involves a whole lotta thgs, & sometimes, younger ones may Not understand. If tt's the case, it's difficult to expect them to commit in a r'ship, when they dun even haf a clue as to wat commitment means. But u've raised a v. valid pt, & I'll discuss this wif my nephew *grinz*
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icebaby0:I partially disagree and partially disagree with what u say
Maybe it's because I am looking at a woman's point of view as some "women" actually mature earlier than men. (I don't disagree that some males do mature faster than females)
Maybe because I know of alot of mothers or friends who were married by the age of 20 -25 (and not SHOT GUN, okay?)
Maybe cos I have a niece and nephew who just got married 2 yrs back and they are 20 and 23 respectively
Maybe cos I married at 22 (not SHOT GUN - cos I know alot of "wise-cracks" here will make that comment!)
And the part I agree is that, nowadays, I feel that most kids (I feel old already) don't understand what is a r/s and rush into a r/s without understanding the fundamental value of it. Maybe it's because they just treat this as a "game" and nothing serious, or maybe its just following the trends....
Most of the time commitment = demands from their partners. They do NOT look at the other side of things like commitment = tolerance = give & take = love = security = comfort level = etc
It's alot of things and not just demanding from each other this and that.
Well, not sure if I make senses leh...
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yea, I think I am clearer now about what I want in a r/s, and how much I am willing to compromise...Originally posted by FeowFeow:Hi Icy,
U can look @ it in a positive light, tt from ur failed r'ship, u learnt tt there're some thgs tt u dowan in a r'ship. And after u've gotten over this painful split, u'll be ready to enter a r'ship wif someone else, a little wiser, a little smarter : )
FeowFeow
i.c.y -
~shrug~
Why not?
Time can heal a broken heart... but it doesn't give you back lost chances.
-grin- anyway it's just the beginning of the game.
You never know who will get tired of who first! So why cast your own pessimistic light on the entire thing even before it started? -
Dear Icy,
It cld be tt ur ex is young, & he realises tt there's so much more for him to experience. Tying himself down now wld mean he might miss out on other experiences, other opportunities, & oso he wun get to do thgs for juz himself. Having a gf means sometimes it's hard to focus wholeheartedly on career. And as much as most women like to claim tt they wun stick to their bfs, sooner or later, they'll find themselves doing it, & when their bfs get mad, they ask, "But why???????????????????"
If u can understand the above, it'll be ezier to forgive ur bf. Look @ this way, @ least he was honest wif u. It's hard to call him a Jerk, when he let u noe early, so tt he wun break ur heart later on when feelings deepen...... *hugz*
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:What if someone you have been dating told you he is ready to be mutually exclusive to you, as in he will be faithful to you during the course of the "r/s", but it would not be for long term?
i.c.y -
Yesh Choco, tt's the harsh reality. There're some guy frens of mine who've openly declared, "I'll Not settle down, Not yet!" & they're past 30
Some prefer playing the field over commitment @ the end of the day.
*smilez* Eye opener, hor?
FeowFeowOriginally posted by choco B:No? You mean, some guys cannot commit to a relationship, no matter what? -
because I believe that a reason to go into a relationship should always because you have special feelings for the other person. I am not being pessimistic. I guess I am just a bit idealistic about this part of my life, I just can't be with someone who said he wants to be with me just cos he finds me fun to be with, cos he doesn't have anyone else to be with when he is lonely...just because he wants company. It is a tad insulting to my emotions.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:~shrug~
Why not?
Time can heal a broken heart... but it doesn't give you back lost chances.
-grin- anyway it's just the beginning of the game.
You never know who will get tired of who first! So why cast your own pessimistic light on the entire thing even before it started?
i.c.y -
*grinz* As I age (damn, I really HATE tt AGE word!), sheesh, as I continue to grow, I've learnt tt commitment can't really be demanded. I can only ask, "So wat do u think? Do u see urself wif me for a v. long time?" If he sez yesh (sincerely, I might add), gd. If he doesn't, then so be it, I'll @ least noe & can decide wat to do.
It's hard to accept tt ur partner doesn't feel the same way abt the r'ship as u do, but cest la vie, my dear : ) That's why pple continue to search, & I've finally found mine : ) Do note I'm, however, q. a few yrs ur senior *winkz* So there's lotsa hope & lotsa time for u.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:yea, I think I am clearer now about what I want in a r/s, and how much I am willing to compromise...
i.c.y -
The reason to enter a r'ship shd be as u sez'd, u haf special feelings for tt person. But whether tt person is so right for u to the pt where u wanna commit, is a different matter altogether. Yet, if u dun try, u never noe...
However, the part abt being wif u cosh he doesn't haf anyone else to be wif when he is lonely, is v. insulting. That WILL make him a JERK. Sorree, being v. blunt again
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:because I believe that a reason to go into a relationship should always because you have special feelings for the other person. I am not being pessimistic. I guess I am just a bit idealistic about this part of my life, I just can't be with someone who said he wants to be with me just cos he finds me fun to be with, cos he doesn't have anyone else to be with when he is lonely...just because he wants company. It is a tad insulting to my emotions.
i.c.y -
Actually he din let me know by himself, I was the one to ask him where is this relationship heading? Then he asked me to be his gf and told me all those things. I find it to be a bit weird. But I guess it is good at least he tried to be honest with me. I can't imagine how I would feel if this break up happens like 1 year later, that is why I chose to discontinue it.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Dear Icy,
It cld be tt ur ex is young, & he realises tt there's so much more for him to experience. Tying himself down now wld mean he might miss out on other experiences, other opportunities, & oso he wun get to do thgs for juz himself. Having a gf means sometimes it's hard to focus wholeheartedly on career. And as much as most women like to claim tt they wun stick to their bfs, sooner or later, they'll find themselves doing it, & when their bfs get mad, they ask, "But why???????????????????"
If u can understand the above, it'll be ezier to forgive ur bf. Look @ this way, @ least he was honest wif u. It's hard to call him a Jerk, when he let u noe early, so tt he wun break ur heart later on when feelings deepen...... *hugz*
FeowFeow
i.c.y -
Err yeah still idealistic ba.Originally posted by icyprincess:because I believe that a reason to go into a relationship should always because you have special feelings for the other person. I am not being pessimistic. I guess I am just a bit idealistic about this part of my life, I just can't be with someone who said he wants to be with me just cos he finds me fun to be with, cos he doesn't have anyone else to be with when he is lonely...just because he wants company. It is a tad insulting to my emotions.
i.c.y
I think all relationships start by enjoying each other's presence, not expectations of what a relationship SHOULD be. This way, the relationship can exceed all expectations you ever have, simply because being together means more than what it MEANS to be together. -
One of the biggest mistake pple make is to push for a commitment too soon.
Sometimes one party is not ready. Also during the honeymoon period, u are blind to his faults. It normally takes a few yrs for the r/s to develop before one can be sure. U need to build the emotional bond & satisfy each other's needs. -
Then what's the difference from being close friends? Why should we go into a r/s when we can be together as frens?Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:Err yeah still idealistic ba.
I think all relationships start by enjoying each other's presence, not expectations of what a relationship SHOULD be. This way, the relationship can exceed all expectations you ever have, simply because being together means more than what it MEANS to be together.
i.c.y -
No, not really. I have swinging bachelor friends too. Heck I was a swinging bachelorette.
"Not yet" and "not ever, forever and ever" are different things.
I know guys of similar age who declare the same thing as your friends. They have meaningful relationships, some marry, some don't, some seperate.
I don't define commitment only as leading to marriage that will last till death do you part.
Maintaining a meaningful, exclusive relationship, regardless of length of time, is also commitment. It has value all on its own.
And while the future remains unknown, who knows what will happen and who we will meet ? Like you mentioned in your first post, its meeting the person who makes you wanna commit, that makes the difference. Thus I'd still maintain, everyone has the ability to commit.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Yesh Choco, tt's the harsh reality. There're some guy frens of mine who've openly declared, "I'll Not settle down, Not yet!" & they're past 30
Some prefer playing the field over commitment @ the end of the day.
*smilez* Eye opener, hor?
FeowFeow -
I think I din put wat I'd wanted to sez properly. That's wat I mean. Commitment is Not abt entering a r'ship & then demanding for commitment. If he's meant to be urs, he'll be. If Not, there's No pt in forcing it.
Some prefer to play the field even when they're in their 30s. Who're we to judge whether wat they're doing is right or wrong? For all we noe, they're doing wat feels right to them. As long as they dun string a girl along, it's their lives to lead.
Finally, I was afraid of commitment. That word may me feel like running away. I'd gotten my heart broken. But finally, I was ready for it, & it's Not cosh my partner demanded it, I was ready cosh of the way he made me feel, & I cld see myself doing those thgs tt make a r'ship work.
I can't sez it'll last forever, the future is hard to predict. But I can sez I DO hope tt it'll last forever. And yesh, I fully agree wif ur last sentence. It's abt the right person. Commitment doesn't naturally follow in a r'ship, but it'll follow when tt special person arrives.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by choco B:No, not really. I have swinging bachelor friends too. Heck I was a swinging bachelorette.
"Not yet" and "not ever, forever and ever" are different things.
I know guys of similar age who declare the same thing as your friends. They have meaningful relationships, some marry, some don't, some seperate.
I don't define commitment only as leading to marriage that will last till death do you part.
Maintaining a meaningful, exclusive relationship, regardless of length of time, is also commitment. It has value all on its own.
And while the future remains unknown, who knows what will happen and who we will meet ? Like you mentioned in your first post, its meeting the person who makes you wanna commit, that makes the difference. Thus I'd still maintain, everyone has the ability to commit. -
I can't be the judge & tell u tt u did the right thg, cosh it's ur r'ship. But I can tell u tt I THINK u did the right thg : ) Cosh it isn't wat u wan, & u chose to discontinue it, rather than get hurt more deeply later.
At least u asked where the r'ship is heading. Some girls keep quiet, hoping tt they can convince their partner to commit. It doesn't always end tt way...
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:Actually he din let me know by himself, I was the one to ask him where is this relationship heading? Then he asked me to be his gf and told me all those things. I find it to be a bit weird. But I guess it is good at least he tried to be honest with me. I can't imagine how I would feel if this break up happens like 1 year later, that is why I chose to discontinue it.
i.c.y -
Exactly what I mean.Originally posted by icyprincess:Then what's the difference from being close friends? Why should we go into a r/s when we can be together as frens?
i.c.y
What is a relationship? Just a connection between two people. Friendship is also a relationship, in fact probably the most stable and rewarding one.
So why need to define where you stand, where he stand, where both of you are going, how much he can give you, how much you can give him?
So just let it be, enjoy what happens, and see where it goes. So what's the difference between a close friendship and a "relationship"? Besides fidelity and fuc... i mean physical intimacy, ahem, can't see what else.
why worry so much about where it will take you when you don't know whether it will really take off yet?
And if the case is closed liao, then move on ba. No point crying over spilt baked beans. -
U're absolutely RIGHT.
Too much emphasis is placed on commitment (Not tt it's Not impt, but rather, this shdn't be THE reason to enter into a r'ship). When too much focus is on commitment, then there's only pressure to commit, & how r pple gonna enjoy the r'ship when they're constantly wondering, "Is he/she gonna press for commitment?" & the other wondering, "Shd I start asking for commitment?"
FeowFeowOriginally posted by gerrykoh:One of the biggest mistake pple make is to push for a commitment too soon.
Sometimes one party is not ready. Also during the honeymoon period, u are blind to his faults. It normally takes a few yrs for the r/s to develop before one can be sure. U need to build the emotional bond & satisfy each other's needs. -
I have moved on, but I just think what you said is rather interesting. So I would like to say something about it.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:Exactly what I mean.
What is a relationship? Just a connection between two people. Friendship is also a relationship, in fact probably the most stable and rewarding one.
So why need to define where you stand, where he stand, where both of you are going, how much he can give you, how much you can give him?
So just let it be, enjoy what happens, and see where it goes. So what's the difference between a close friendship and a "relationship"? Besides fidelity and fuc... i mean physical intimacy, ahem, can't see what else.
why worry so much about where it will take you when you don't know whether it will really take off yet?
And if the case is closed liao, then move on ba. No point crying over spilt baked beans.
Well, then I guess we are back to the question whether girls and guys can be normal frens. I have nothing against frens, I have had close frens who are guys. But what if after certain period of time, you start develop feelings for the other person? Would you go with the flow, let your feelings continue to grow and grow, but knowing it will not take you far in the future? Feelings will not stay stagnant for a long time, it will either fade off or deepen. And for me, if I spend a lot of time with the other person, it will definitely deepen.
i.c.y -
There's 1 v. fundamental diff between a r'ship & close frens. U dun haf THAT kinda love for a close fren, but u haf THAT kinda love for tt special person. Otherwise, we'd all be involved wif our close frens by now
FeowFeowOriginally posted by ShrodingersCat:Exactly what I mean.
What is a relationship? Just a connection between two people. Friendship is also a relationship, in fact probably the most stable and rewarding one.
So why need to define where you stand, where he stand, where both of you are going, how much he can give you, how much you can give him?
So just let it be, enjoy what happens, and see where it goes. So what's the difference between a close friendship and a "relationship"? Besides fidelity and fuc... i mean physical intimacy, ahem, can't see what else.
why worry so much about where it will take you when you don't know whether it will really take off yet?
And if the case is closed liao, then move on ba. No point crying over spilt baked beans. -
It's okie to dev. feelings for ur close fren, but mebbi u cld bear in mind tt commitment doesn't necessarily follow after entering a r'ship... It's Not like autopilot mode, my dear girl : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:I have moved on, but I just think what you said is rather interesting. So I would like to say something about it.
Well, then I guess we are back to the question whether girls and guys can be normal frens. I have nothing against frens, I have had close frens who are guys. But what if after certain period of time, you start develop feelings for the other person? Would you go with the flow, let your feelings continue to grow and grow, but knowing it will not take you far in the future? Feelings will not stay stagnant for a long time, it will either fade off or deepen. And for me, if I spend a lot of time with the other person, it will definitely deepen.
i.c.y -
I know, I am not demanding him to commit to me for the rest of my life. I just want to know how "special" I am to him, that he at least has feelings for me. But from what he told me, how am I different from his other close friends?Originally posted by FeowFeow:It's okie to dev. feelings for ur close fren, but mebbi u cld bear in mind tt commitment doesn't necessarily follow after entering a r'ship... It's Not like autopilot mode, my dear girl : )
FeowFeow
i.c.y -
Perhaps he had some special feelings for u, which he din tell u @ tt time... Who noes? But girl, there's No pt in wallowing in this misery. There's alot of fun in being a single : ) U can hit the town wif ur girl pals, do all the feminine & hiao hiao thgs tt single girls get to do *grinz*
Since u've made the decision tt he's Not wat u need, try to pick urself up after awhile, & boost ur confidence again. Get a nice haircut, buy somethg nice to wear, pamper urself wif a facial.
I absolutely dig my single days, altho I dun yearn for tt now tt I'm in love : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by icyprincess:I know, I am not demanding him to commit to me for the rest of my life. I just want to know how "special" I am to him, that he at least has feelings for me. But from what he told me, how am I different from his other close friends?
i.c.y -
what type of love is THAT kinda love?Originally posted by FeowFeow:There's 1 v. fundamental diff between a r'ship & close frens. U dun haf THAT kinda love for a close fren, but u haf THAT kinda love for tt special person. Otherwise, we'd all be involved wif our close frens by now
FeowFeow -
Future is something so intangible. Since neither have psychic abilities, I can't ask him to promise me something that neither he nor I have control or know about. Why let your assumption of what the future would be, guide your present? Better to work on the present, so you can TRY to guide your future.Originally posted by icyprincess:I have moved on, but I just think what you said is rather interesting. So I would like to say something about it.
Well, then I guess we are back to the question whether girls and guys can be normal frens. I have nothing against frens, I have had close frens who are guys. But what if after certain period of time, you start develop feelings for the other person? Would you go with the flow, let your feelings continue to grow and grow, but knowing it will not take you far in the future? Feelings will not stay stagnant for a long time, it will either fade off or deepen. And for me, if I spend a lot of time with the other person, it will definitely deepen.
i.c.y
Ugh. Too much liao. I can't debate something to its death ba. People love differently, and they find the type of relationships that best suit their personalities. I'm happy with what i have now. So maybe you need to find out what suits you the best and not what makes you miserable. -
NICE..Originally posted by FeowFeow:Hi all,
Yesterday, my nephew (who's only a few yrs younger than me, & who's q. close to me) told me his fren thot he wasn't ready for commitment, & therefore, isn't ready for a r'ship.
This kinda started me thinking, & finally, I ans'd him. Since I believe there're some who wonder abt commitment, & who get frus when they can't get commitment from their partners, I'll share wat I told him wif u. I chose to post it here, cosh I believe it'll help pple here, & tt's wat Aunt Agony's all abt : ) So here goes...
At 22, most pple dun even noe wat commitment is abt. There's still so much in life to focus on, & to experience, such as career. Commitment isn't simply juz sticking to 1 partner for the rest of ur life, it's abt making ur partner feel cherished & loved, to the extent tt they wanna commit to u.
How r u gonna be able to tell tt the person u fancy is gonna be The One, who'll give u support & love u, & for whom u're willing to do the same until u enter into a r'ship wif tt person? : )
For the above reasons, & perhaps more (which I've forgotten cosh I can't remember ev. thg sez'd to my nephew), commitment shdn't, & muzn't, be demanded. It's abt how tt person makes u feel so loved & cherished & more to the pt tt u feel u wanna commit, & the same applies the other way round...
These r juz my observations... Wat do the rest of u think? : ) And I hope it'll oso be of help to some : )
FeowFeow