Communication 101
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As forumites know, AA often have much topics on relationships and they often fail... I find that 'communication' can be quite an important aspect of a relationship... So things like 'broken down communication' and misunderstandings etc. can often lead to the disruption of a proper relationship development...
So why not let us share here what you've seen, heard or personally experienced of these.. Perhaps add in your own opinion on the incident or situation, while other forumites can join in for comments and discussion?
So that we can all LEARN from each other...?
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LET ME START
Sometimes when a girl tries to convey a message to her bf... Maybe through one way eg. e-mail, sms or even can't get through the phone... Then it fails.. And at times, I think the girl would have quite an important message to convey to the partner... So I would ask... "Why don't you leave an sms instead?" or try other means.. etc. Then the girl would rather not...?
Hmm.. Maybe it's just strange on a part of a guy to think that since one way doesn't work, why not just try another way? Why must insist just on that way and method alone..? Especially when the message to be conveyed is quite important? Why rather cry or harbour silly thoughts than to do something else about it, especially when it can be easily done...?
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Guys tend to think thgs more rationally when faced wif a problem --> They think of SOLUTIONS. They haf an ability to remain calm when faced even wif a situation tt wld probably result in panic in a woman. Women, OTOH, sometimes start to panic. Wat do u think comes into her mind? Muz get him, muz get him, muz get him.
Of cosh Not ev. body's like tt, but perhaps this might be a reason tt women tend to try calling & calling? Some can calm themselves down enuff to type out a long SMS. Others wld rather call to quickly tell the whole long story mah : )
Juz another side to the story...
So hopefully, guys can oso be more understanding
An aside: A useful thg to read is Men r from Mars, Women r from Venus, or the sequel. Hilarious, & it helped my guy & I to understand each other better.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Devil1976:LET ME START
Sometimes when a girl tries to convey a message to her bf... Maybe through one way eg. e-mail, sms or even can't get through the phone... Then it fails.. And at times, I think the girl would have quite an important message to convey to the partner... So I would ask... "Why don't you leave an sms instead?" or try other means.. etc. Then the girl would rather not...?
Hmm.. Maybe it's just strange on a part of a guy to think that since one way doesn't work, why not just try another way? Why must insist just on that way and method alone..? Especially when the message to be conveyed is quite important? Why rather cry or harbour silly thoughts than to do something else about it, especially when it can be easily done...? -
Maybe everyone have a prefer form of communication..my ex prefer to communicate through letters..even when we see each other everyday in poly last time..but me prefer using phone call or communicate by talking face to face..for my ex case..she say theres more feeling in reading the hand written words..for my case..me just don't like communicating through words..would rather hear the person's voice..
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There used to be some miscomm between my guy & I cosh 1 tok duck, 1 tok chicken We gradually learnt to tok in chicken & duck lang together
A frequent thg tt used to happen was:
Guy: Is somethg bothering u?
Me: (seething) NO.
Guy: If there's somethg bothering u, we can tok abt it.
Me: (coldly) As I'd sez'd earlier, there's NOTHG bothering me.
Guy: Okie.
Me: U're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo insensitive!
blah blah blah blah blah
An improvement...........
Guy: Is somethg bothering u?
Me: (seething) NO.
Guy: If there's somethg bothering u, we can tok abt it.
Me: (sarcastically) Even if I tell u, u'll get all defensive & gimme a whole lotta excuses anywayz.
blah blah blah blah blah
Now.........
Guy: Is somethg bothering u?
Me: I guess...
Guy: If there's somethg bothering u, we can tok abt it.
Me: Okie, but pls dun get defensive or anythg... If u disagree, wait till I finish, then I'll hear u out, & we'll take it slowly, okie?
Peace............................................
So nowadays, there're seldom quarrels. In fact, even if we do argue, it's usu over within like, abt 10 mins We'd been thru alot together, & certain horrible thgs haf brot us closer together.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Devil1976:As forumites know, AA often have much topics on relationships and they often fail... I find that 'communication' can be quite an important aspect of a relationship... So things like 'broken down communication' and misunderstandings etc. can often lead to the disruption of a proper relationship development...
So why not let us share here what you've seen, heard or personally experienced of these.. Perhaps add in your own opinion on the incident or situation, while other forumites can join in for comments and discussion?
So that we can all LEARN from each other...? -
mars and venus..... -
The horrible part of reading this book, & the follow-up (which my colleague thotfully got for me for V Day), was tt, both my guy & I concl'd:
I AM A GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FeowFeowOriginally posted by mistyblue:mars and venus..... -
Most girls like to talk so guys must learn to be good listeners.
It is better to talk over phone - more spontaneous and personal, u can tell from the tone whether she is angry or unhappy.
SMS is ok for short conversation but may lead to misunderstanding if u don't phrase properly.
It is better to voice out & clear all misunderstanding right away rather than use silent treatment.
Talking abt anything that comes to mind (eg jokes, stories, everyday happenings) is not a waste of time. U are bonding emotionally with her.
Girls crave attention so even if u are very busy, a short call is still a must.
It shows she is important to u
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Yes. You could be right. Sms can sometimes be quite misleading...Originally posted by gerrykoh:Most girls like to talk so guys must learn to be good listeners.
It is better to talk over phone - more spontaneous and personal, u can tell from the tone whether she is angry or unhappy.
SMS is ok for short conversation but may lead to misunderstanding if u don't phrase properly.
It is better to voice out & clear all misunderstanding right away rather than use silent treatment.
Talking abt anything that comes to mind (eg jokes, stories, everyday happenings) is not a waste of time. U are bonding emotionally with her.
Girls crave attention so even if u are very busy, a short call is still a must.
It shows she is important to u
Which comes to another point... When you suspect some mood swing or unhappiness over something in the way she sms you, how would you usually confirm that? Continue to sms her? Call her immediately? What if she's unavailable to pick up your call? Would you do a 'follow up'? If so, what would that be? -
what will you all do if when both of you are in the middle of a quarrel..then she just slam your phone..refusing to answer your phone or reply your sms..how to you solve this??if dun call her after this.she will say you dun love her already..then take the quarrel to a higher level..if you continue to call her then she just dun wanna answer you..is there any solutions for the guy??
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I tot guys were the same. Is that really normal?
Have you all ever slam the phone on your gfs and scold them using crude words?
E.g. A girl fren was in a heated argument and said "Dun think so highly of yourself". And the bf just said something crude in Hokkien and slam the phone. Then his phone will be off the whole 2 hours or so. Sometimes he will use the F word. Is it really normal for guys to scold their gfs using crude words? -
maybe guys also will slam the phone or dun answer the phone call..but me never once did it when me with my ex..the strongest word me EVER used on her is 'I hate you'..and it is only when me in camp for 2 wks doing alert red duty and she called me to hint on wanting to breakup..and we were together for 4 years..so..can anyone answer my question above??
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I think a call will be better. More sincere. If cannot get her, try again.Originally posted by Devil1976:Yes. You could be right. Sms can sometimes be quite misleading...
Which comes to another point... When you suspect some mood swing or unhappiness over something in the way she sms you, how would you usually confirm that? Continue to sms her? Call her immediately? What if she's unavailable to pick up your call? Would you do a 'follow up'? If so, what would that be?
Just say 'dear, something bothering u, wanna talk about it?'
It may be PMS so if she isn't in the mood to talk, then leave it but call the next day to check on her. Shows u are caring -
I'm assuming you want to pacify her?
If she's not responding, don't bother calling every few minutes. Just sms her something to the effect of "I'm feeling miserable cos we're fighting, please call me so we can work things out".
Send a signal that you don't wanna fight, that the situation saddens you, and that you treasure the relationship enough to want to solve problems with her. Create the opportunity for her to take the next step to contact you when she's ready.Originally posted by tan_william:what will you all do if when both of you are in the middle of a quarrel..then she just slam your phone..refusing to answer your phone or reply your sms..how to you solve this??if dun call her after this.she will say you dun love her already..then take the quarrel to a higher level..if you continue to call her then she just dun wanna answer you..is there any solutions for the guy?? -
It's not normal, and not all guys are rude, or use vulgar language on their girlfriends
Although we swear at times, it's shouldn't be directed with malice at your partner when quarreling.
If you don't like being cursed at, make sure he knows about it and not just accept that "he's laidat". Sure, different people have different ways of expressing themselves and some are more foul-monthed than others. But your partner should also respect your tolerance level and sensitivity to such language.Originally posted by timble:I tot guys were the same. Is that really normal?
Have you all ever slam the phone on your gfs and scold them using crude words?
E.g. A girl fren was in a heated argument and said "Dun think so highly of yourself". And the bf just said something crude in Hokkien and slam the phone. Then his phone will be off the whole 2 hours or so. Sometimes he will use the F word. Is it really normal for guys to scold their gfs using crude words? -
If she don't pickup, wait a while & continue to call. She will definately pick up cos the ringing will disturb others.Originally posted by tan_william:what will you all do if when both of you are in the middle of a quarrel..then she just slam your phone..refusing to answer your phone or reply your sms..how to you solve this??if dun call her after this.she will say you dun love her already..then take the quarrel to a higher level..if you continue to call her then she just dun wanna answer you..is there any solutions for the guy??
Talk nicely, don't raise voice or use vulgar language, if in the wrong, apologise first.
If she is at fault, tell her that u are not happy about her actions but u still love her. Listen to her side of the story. Settle amicably.
In a quarrel, don't have to win all the time. Agree to a fair compromise.
Alway talk it out, don't keep silent & bottled everything up. -
agree that communication IS important in every r'ship. at times, it's the conflicts & difference in opinions which caused the communication to break down.
sit down, have a heart to heart talk with your partner. express clearly how you feel and what you want. be gentle yet thorough. no finger pointing, no blaming, no empty promises, no defending. just the truth, without hurting your loved one.
sharing of information with each other creates bonding, which deepens the r'ship. -
Call once more. If there's still No reply, juz send SMS like, "Babe, I'm sorree if I really hurt u, but I'm hurt too. Wld like to tok thgs thru, I'll try to be calm.. Pls call me back when u're feeling better".
A few times, I've called immediately, feeling kinda contrite.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by tan_william:what will you all do if when both of you are in the middle of a quarrel..then she just slam your phone..refusing to answer your phone or reply your sms..how to you solve this??if dun call her after this.she will say you dun love her already..then take the quarrel to a higher level..if you continue to call her then she just dun wanna answer you..is there any solutions for the guy?? -
sometimes u can learn alot from misunderstandin.. like wat the other party really tink of u...
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Can try setting a 'cool down period' for her? After a while then call her... When she cool down liao then you talk to her?Originally posted by tan_william:what will you all do if when both of you are in the middle of a quarrel..then she just slam your phone..refusing to answer your phone or reply your sms..how to you solve this??if dun call her after this.she will say you dun love her already..then take the quarrel to a higher level..if you continue to call her then she just dun wanna answer you..is there any solutions for the guy??
After being with a partner for a while, you can roughly estimate the 'cool down period' needed in most cases...? -
I think there's a much higher chance of a girl being emotional and hence doing that. In a guy's case, if he does things like that... Often it only shows that he has a bad temper or it can also be that he's really pissed or driven by the girl to his limits liao...Originally posted by timble:I tot guys were the same. Is that really normal?
Have you all ever slam the phone on your gfs and scold them using crude words?
E.g. A girl fren was in a heated argument and said "Dun think so highly of yourself". And the bf just said something crude in Hokkien and slam the phone. Then his phone will be off the whole 2 hours or so. Sometimes he will use the F word. Is it really normal for guys to scold their gfs using crude words? -
to remember a big portion of communication is LISTENING.
and listening doesnt mean sit there, diam diam, with sullen look on your face and beh song feeling in your heart.
Guess the first benefit of doubt got to give is
to believe
this person loves you!
obviously so .. whatever he did/she did, is not intending to harm or hurt you.
but it is incidental that you got inconvenienced/hurt/frustrated.
as for using vulgarities. dont even let it start.
its just the begining of a big downhill slide of disrespect to both parties. -
But sometimes there's really nothing wrong with her sms or her... But if you 'feel' wrongly and keep bothering her on that, she might get irritated and even fustrated and you could be penalised for that?Originally posted by gerrykoh:I think a call will be better. More sincere. If cannot get her, try again.
Just say 'dear, something bothering u, wanna talk about it?'
It may be PMS so if she isn't in the mood to talk, then leave it but call the next day to check on her. Shows u are caring -
Hmm... Quite a nice one...?Originally posted by choco B:I'm assuming you want to pacify her?
If she's not responding, don't bother calling every few minutes. Just sms her something to the effect of "I'm feeling miserable cos we're fighting, please call me so we can work things out".
Send a signal that you don't wanna fight, that the situation saddens you, and that you treasure the relationship enough to want to solve problems with her. Create the opportunity for her to take the next step to contact you when she's ready.
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Yeah. So no matter what happens, it's always wise to set your antenna back up on the proper frequency as soon as you can.Originally posted by icepole:agree that communication IS important in every r'ship. at times, it's the conflicts & difference in opinions which caused the communication to break down.
sit down, have a heart to heart talk with your partner. express clearly how you feel and what you want. be gentle yet thorough. no finger pointing, no blaming, no empty promises, no defending. just the truth, without hurting your loved one.
sharing of information with each other creates bonding, which deepens the r'ship.