Wait on or give-up?
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Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think? -
I don't envy you nnilsia..
Somehow you're trapped with a girl that would rather go overseas to work, then stay on in Singapore(where there are so many other jobs to look for) and be with you.
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots.
It can mean many things. Maybe she wants a 'spare' tyre to hold on to when things get rough.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I kind of understand what you mean. I've been through the phrase where "Phone call! For me?? No? oh... okay" "SMS! IS it her? oh..."
The mind is truly a source of wonder, especially when it comes to relationships. It makes us think more than we want to, and think of stuff which we can do without...
still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months.
While i'm inclined to say, "dump her!", that would be too premature. Look at the situation in a detached manner and perhaps you'll see what i see. A relationship with no progress. You can think of her for another 1.5 years, and she may not even care. This 1.5 years will bring you either more pain and suffering, or she may give you a glimpse of hope to keep you going, which causes even more pain.
Please. Choose your own path..
And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
How old is she? If she hasn't grown up yet, then shouldn't you let her go, and let her grow up? If she does realise that you're the one for her, she'll be back. If not, perhaps it would be better to set her free?
I hope she can wake up soon too, but you'll never know about these things. Some people you can wait 20 years for and still not change.
Me? Maybe i'll just move on..
In Good Faith
Aaron -
In simple, just move on.
It's easy to say, but letting go it a better chance for you. Even if u do stay at the spot, she is moving forward which left only u in the same spot suffering.
Move on.
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Hmm.. i dare not advise n attempt to influence ur decision-making
I agree with aaron tt it's rather premature to determine wat course of action to take..
U have to really analyse what's left in the relationship n wat can be salvaged. If not.. moving on could be a possibility.
U have to maintain a clear rational mind n at the same time in touch with ur emotions to decide on ur own course of action.
Good luck. -
Why let it drag on and pull you down? Let her go since she knows what's her priorities.
Perhaps its better to end the whole thing amicably and remain as friends. Both of you might be happier this way. Otherwise the journey will be painful if she doesnt reciprocate your love. -
forget her! go out with yr friends. Spend more time doing the things you like to do b4 you meet her. she is not the only one and will not be the last one. never let her know you cant live without her, as she will only look down on u. Never discard yr friends for a woman!!!!!
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leave her bro.....better gals out there waiting for u.
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It's time to move on.
At the same time, give her some more time and space. She once gave you happiness, and that is enough already.
This time round, I think you should respect her decision and give her her own happiness. Instead, if she hasn't replied to you, juz wish her all the best and bless her.
I understand that this is rather difficult to handle by urself, as forgiving and letting a person go is not an easy task for us. However, you have to start being strong and courageous now.
Love is not an exchange. It's a decision. I know that u wanted badly to be with her again. But sometimes, it may not be tt way, so be prepared for it. If the both of u shall meet again, then good for u. But if not, be there to bless her with happiness, tt's the only loving thing left tt u can do for her..
I hereby wish u the best of hope.
S.H.I.N. -
hi, i am a girl, n have been thru this ordeal b4. so i guess, both guys and girls also need time alone.
the fact that she had not dumped u, may mean that she still has feelings for u. but she is feeling frustrated/ bored/ bleak with her life right now. She wants some changes and hence to try something new -- like a job overseas, a cool-off from u to see if she really loves u, can live w/o u etc.
and as u said, she is still young, still doesnt know what she wants in life.
give her some space now but since it's a cool-off. set a timeline with her. if she is sincere abt just a cool-off, then she will agree to give u a solid answer by that deadline (say 1 month? think that is a long enuf time for her to decide right?). if she cannot compromise on a deadline, how would u know when there is a conclusion? u can't go on waiting forever.
my 2cts worth. take care. i really sympathize. in the meantime, get a life on ur own. -
Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think?
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if she really do go to india. wish her good luck for her new job. but while u are still stuck here, and someone else better comes along. don hold back becos of her. just tell her u found someone more compatable with u while she was away. after all the other better girl will deserve a chance too.
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Hello nnilsia, I would suggest you to show your gf this post and ask her what is her reaction/solution to this. Don't say that you are the one posting it, just pretend to happen to come across this post by chance on the pretext of reading some gossips/news for enjoyment/entertainment. Never say that your friend needed help...cos your gf is not stupid, she will know it. Just find a good time, when she is in a good mood and lure/trick her to come across this post together with you.
Cos I think, the blame is kinda shifted to her...and it's pretty one-sided. So I would prefer not to advise you.
As I can see it, she's probably leaving you for a good reason...for her own good and happiness. And I felt that you are a possessive and selfish bf. I could be wrong, but that's what I've got from my instinct after reading your post.
Good luck and all the best, people cannot see their own mistakes most of the time and it is not a sin, just a common imperfection that is instilled in all humans.Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think? -
I have no problems at all with her going to India to experience how life is abroad. After all it's good that she goes out to explore the world as it'll be a good lesson in life (and of course learn to appreciate the many little luxuries we have here in S'pore, though some of u may disagree but tt's what I found compared to the UK). Even her own mum whom I've been speaking to thinks she should go coz she's too pampered and arrogant to learn from anyone else, so I guess she'll have to learn the hard way.
The issue really is how she develop complete disregard for me in such a short time. I think classalpha said something so true in my case:
"never let her know you cant live without her, as she will only look down on u"
I think tt's precisely what I've been doing wrong all this while. Her disregard and disrespect for me is amazing and another one of my big mistakes was not to keep that in check' I can't believe that I actually became nicer to her instead juz to make her happy.
U noe, she actually once said to me in front of her own mum and I'll never forget this: "I'll sleep with anyone who can get me a job now". (Whether or not she'll actually do it is a different story altogether, but I wouldn't even dare to say anything remotely close to that to anyone at all!) To that her mum pointed at me and said "Then what about him??" In reply, she said "Tt's why I'm telling him now". And after this, we had a big argument but she justified herself citing that she's thrown all her morals and principles out the window, and tt since I can't find her a job, too bad. And I believe that she still stands by this today. I couldn't believe what I heard......could u imagine hearing this from ur own bf/gf?? I wun cite other hurtful stuff that's come off her poisoned tongue, tt was juz the worst. -
Originally posted by nnilsia:
Then why are you hanging on to her?
I have no problems at all with her going to India to experience how life is abroad. After all it's good that she goes out to explore the world as it'll be a good lesson in life (and of course learn to appreciate the many little luxuries we have here in S'pore, though some of u may disagree but tt's what I found compared to the UK). Even her own mum whom I've been speaking to thinks she should go coz she's too pampered and arrogant to learn from anyone else, so I guess she'll have to learn the hard way.
The issue really is how she develop complete disregard for me in such a short time. I think [b]classalpha said something so true in my case:
"never let her know you cant live without her, as she will only look down on u"
I think tt's precisely what I've been doing wrong all this while. Her disregard and disrespect for me is amazing and another one of my big mistakes was not to keep that in check' I can't believe that I actually became nicer to her instead juz to make her happy.
U noe, she actually once said to me in front of her own mum and I'll never forget this: "I'll sleep with anyone who can get me a job now". (Whether or not she'll actually do it is a different story altogether, but I wouldn't even dare to say anything remotely close to that to anyone at all!) To that her mum pointed at me and said "Then what about him??" In reply, she said "Tt's why I'm telling him now". And after this, we had a big argument but she justified herself citing that she's thrown all her morals and principles out the window, and tt since I can't find her a job, too bad. And I believe that she still stands by this today. I couldn't believe what I heard......could u imagine hearing this from ur own bf/gf?? I wun cite other hurtful stuff that's come off her poisoned tongue, tt was juz the worst.
[/b] -
in that case, i will hire her. to work as a hooker. think she is no diff from that now.
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if she need time off from you cos she is tired of you... then how to get along together after marriage? can get *time off* after marriage??
It may be painful, but think about it lor -
Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think?
You managed to survive a LDR - an impressive, yet foolhardy attempt for LDR as you had to leave for Singapore the next day. A better option would be to settle your overseas studies first before deciding a relationship with her. I understand sometimes love can be a first-come-first-serve basis; you would bound to have certain degree of fear that she becomes unavailable when you are back. However, this is to eliminate the need for a risky LDR.
Hard truth is that most LDR fail because couple do not understand how much different is LDR from ordinary relationship. It is NOT simply just the distance and NOT merely MSN, emails, phone calls are sufficient for the relationship to thrive and grow.
You survive though, but gradually deteriorate the love relationship through Charity and Individualism. She is free-spirited and the notion of individualism is very important to her, which is also the ultimate element that has the potential to break down even the best of relations. Love thrives on mutual growth, any effect of Individualism would be of detrimental effect on your relationship.
You two are like unlike poles; it's true that your are coming together as a couple, but there is an adverse different sense of direction... each looking into separate ways and weakening the magnetic attraction towards one another.
You want her to wake up and learn the lesson of 'Treasuring what you have now?'
She has to lose something precious and reality must sink her into life's lowest point. Only then this lesson can be taught effectively. What about you?
Do you truely think both of you are compatible? Since you have led a proper, ordinary relationship like anyone else, minus the vast distance? Is that what you are looking for? Or rather, does she possess the minimal qualities as a gf that could keep you fighting for the relationship? How long do you think you can substain before perishing?
P.S: We are all looking for answers. When you give up, you potentially throw away all possibility, but when you wait, you may not survive though the ordeal and may induce scars that never heals. The key is to make your decision and stick with them. How the scales is being balance, depends on what's important to you and what you wish to measure it with.
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Don't quite agree with you. You managed to survive a LDR - an impressive, yet foolhardy attempt for LDR as you had to leave for Singapore the next day. A better option would be to settle your overseas studies first before deciding a relationship with her. I understand sometimes love can be a first-come-first-serve basis; you would bound to have certain degree of fear that she becomes unavailable when you are back. However, this is to eliminate the need for a risky LDR.
Hard truth is that most LDR fail because couple do not understand how much different is LDR from ordinary relationship. It is NOT simply just the distance and NOT merely MSN, emails, phone calls are sufficient for the relationship to thrive and grow.
You survive though, but gradually deteriorate the love relationship through [b]Charity and Individualism. She is free-spirited and the notion of individualism is very important to her, which is also the ultimate element that has the potential to break down even the best of relations. Love thrives on mutual growth, any effect of Individualism would be of detrimental effect on your relationship.
You two are like unlike poles; it's true that your are coming together as a couple, but there is an adverse different sense of direction... each looking into separate ways and weakening the magnetic attraction towards one another.
You want her to wake up and learn the lesson of 'Treasuring what you have now?'
She has to lose something precious and reality must sink her into life's lowest point. Only then this lesson can be taught effectively. What about you?
Do you truely think both of you are compatible? Since you have led a proper, ordinary relationship like anyone else, minus the vast distance? Is that what you are looking for? Or rather, does she possess the minimal qualities as a gf that could keep you fighting for the relationship? How long do you think you can substain before perishing?
P.S: We are all looking for answers. When you give up, you potentially throw away all possibility, but when you wait, you may not survive though the ordeal and may induce scars that never heals. The key is to make your decision and stick with them. How the scales is being balance, depends on what's important to you and what you wish to measure it with.
Cheers [/b]
Have you consider the chance that the relationship mihgt have managed to 'survive' (pathetically?) because it was a LDR?
Reality just shows that the 'truths' can be so much more bare and cruel to bear when the cards are laid on the table. -
Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't quite agree with you.
Have you consider the chance that the relationship mihgt have managed to 'survive' (pathetically?) because it was a LDR?
Reality just shows that the 'truths' can be so much more bare and cruel to bear when the cards are laid on the table. Probably. The vast distance sometimes allow the relationship to 'run' seemingly even without consciously having to 'do anything'.
Of course, that's if he sees things this way - a desire for a long lasting (not neccessary final) fulfilling relationship. Then having that LDR may not exactly be a good choice.
Cheers -
Yes. That's my point. Sometimes things might just be delusionised. Well... Whether he intended for it in the 1st place or not?Originally posted by Yunhaier: Probably. The vast distance sometimes allow the relationship to 'run' seemingly even without consciously having to 'do anything'.
Of course, that's if he sees things this way - a desire for a long lasting (not neccessary final) fulfilling relationship. Then having that LDR may not exactly be a good choice.
Cheers -
Dear friend.
it takes 2 people to be committed for a relationship to work, LDR does work for some but not for others (i got friends tat made it). I gues it all boils down to how much the 2 of u treasure each other. if its only one sided, sooner or later the relationship will not survive. think carefully of wat u really wan in a relationship, to give completely without taking anything or to give and take?(i'd choose the latter) no matter wat, u 2 should really have a decent heart to heart talk. -
Devil1976 brought up something tt's true - he asked:
"Have you consider the chance that the relationship mihgt have managed to 'survive' (pathetically?) because it was a LDR?"
Well, in a way the relationship was hanging by a thread (after much begging and tears) pathetically most of the 2nd half of the LDR. But tt was some time
ago during the first year. My issue now is really whats happening currently
Yunhaier also mentioned:
"The vast distance sometimes allow the relationship to 'run' seemingly even without consciously having to 'do anything'"
Well, tt may be true for some couples if both parties can somehow detact themselves emotionally from each other and just have a r/s in principle without doing anything i.e. they just carry on with their lives but technically they are attached. I think this is kinda hard for most ppl as aren't we all looking for some kinda meaningful r/s? But no doubt, there will be ppl who like to be in a meaningless r/s and yet don't mind it.
In my case, having an LDR almost killed me, figuratively. I really badly wanted to try and make things work - I wanted to come back to S'pore and be physically with her and see how things would work out. If they didnt, then we'll have a reason to call it quits. I didnt want to give up despite the tremendous pain and pressure she exerted at times or rather most of the time. In a way it was extremely stupid of me not to end it but at tt time I didnt think I could have survived the breakup. My final exams and FYP were near and a breakup would surely have saw me thru getting a 3rd class Hons or worst - all my parents' $$$ gone down the drain, this was something I could not do to my parents. So, being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, I literally a "beggar", trying to placate her on most days, standing in the cold (while she was in a nice comfy bed in S'pore) when she called me in London. The list of spectacularly foolish things I did is just incomprehensible. We'll talk for 3-5hrs daily (the phone bill was ok since some budget call companies like zone 1511 had been set up). It affected my studies, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I'd wish that somehow something would just drop from the sky and end my pathetic painful life. It was crazy and foolhardy to have gotten into a r/s just the night b4 I left S'pore, but I guess shit happens - God has a plan for all of us and I suppose tt's what He had in mind for me. I accept what comes.
Anyway, the above was in 2003. 2004 was a good yr for us and I never felt happier - I thought I had someone I loved who loved me too. We stayed over at each other's homes all the time until as recent as Jan this yr.
Now with this big cool-off thing, we're going out only on weekends. She still speaks to me like she usually does but I don't know what to treat her as. Its confounding. I'm begining to accept the cool-off thing on the basis that its very common among couples and too bad that we just happen to be one of them.
I think if she goes of to India, she'll really get life's lesson no-one else can teach her, given her rottenly pampered attitude. She doesn't appreciate the little comforts on our little island that most of us take for granted. I went to London (a DEVELOPED city) and I came back here with much much more appreciation. I used to be whiny and complainy abt S'pore but not anymore. A stint with India's widespread poverty and warzone environment will do her wonders.
Emotionally, I've prepared myself to let her go should she initiate a split, but till then I'll keep her and I'll like to see India change her for the better. Of course I wun wait forever. I find my own patience amazing - in fact I think its brilliant, in fact I'm gonna get a fishing rod and go fishing (yes, the real fish in water, not land fishing) this weekend. -
Devil1976 brought up something tt's true - he asked:
"Have you consider the chance that the relationship mihgt have managed to 'survive' (pathetically?) because it was a LDR?"
Well, in a way the relationship was hanging by a thread (after much begging and tears) pathetically most of the 2nd half of the LDR. But tt was some time
ago during the first year. My issue now is really whats happening currently
Yunhaier also mentioned:
"The vast distance sometimes allow the relationship to 'run' seemingly even without consciously having to 'do anything'"
Well, tt may be true for some couples if both parties can somehow detact themselves emotionally from each other and just have a r/s in principle without doing anything i.e. they just carry on with their lives but technically they are attached. I think this is kinda hard for most ppl as aren't we all looking for some kinda meaningful r/s? But no doubt, there will be ppl who like to be in a meaningless r/s and yet don't mind it.
In my case, having an LDR almost killed me, figuratively. I really badly wanted to try and make things work - I wanted to come back to S'pore and be physically with her and see how things would work out. If they didnt, then we'll have a reason to call it quits. I didnt want to give up despite the tremendous pain and pressure she exerted at times or rather most of the time. In a way it was extremely stupid of me not to end it but at tt time I didnt think I could have survived the breakup. My final exams and FYP were near and a breakup would surely have saw me thru getting a 3rd class Hons or worst - all my parents' $$$ gone down the drain, this was something I could not do to my parents. So, being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, I literally a "beggar", trying to placate her on most days, standing in the cold (while she was in a nice comfy bed in S'pore) when she called me in London. The list of spectacularly foolish things I did is just incomprehensible. We'll talk for 3-5hrs daily (the phone bill was ok since some budget call companies like zone 1511 had been set up). It affected my studies, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I'd wish that somehow something would just drop from the sky and end my pathetic painful life. It was crazy and foolhardy to have gotten into a r/s just the night b4 I left S'pore, but I guess shit happens - God has a plan for all of us and I suppose tt's what He had in mind for me. I accept what comes.
Anyway, the above was in 2003. 2004 was a good yr for us and I never felt happier - I thought I had someone I loved who loved me too. We stayed over at each other's homes all the time until as recent as Jan this yr.
Now with this big cool-off thing, we're going out only on weekends. She still speaks to me like she usually does but I don't know what to treat her as. Its confounding. I'm begining to accept the cool-off thing on the basis that its very common among couples and too bad that we just happen to be one of them.
I think if she goes of to India, she'll really get life's lesson no-one else can teach her, given her rottenly pampered attitude. She doesn't appreciate the little comforts on our little island that most of us take for granted. I went to London (a DEVELOPED city) and I came back here with much much more appreciation. I used to be whiny and complainy abt S'pore but not anymore. A stint with India's widespread poverty and warzone environment will do her wonders.
Emotionally, I've prepared myself to let her go should she initiate a split, but till then I'll keep her and I'll like to see India change her for the better. Of course I wun wait forever. I find my own patience amazing - in fact I think its brilliant, in fact I'm gonna get a fishing rod and go fishing (yes, the real fish in water, not land fishing) this weekend. -
You've just mentioned a crucial thing within your last post. And along with the idea of 2 parties being 'individually detached' within 2 separate countries.. Yes, that one of the ways that a LDR can survive but without growth. Some people see a relationship at this point without growth as a sign of 'hibernation'. While there are others who sees it as 'death'. Or 'brain death'? - It is there but you no longer communicate or feel it.Originally posted by nnilsia:It was crazy and foolhardy to have gotten into a r/s just the night b4 I left S'pore, but I guess shit happens - God has a plan for all of us and I suppose tt's what He had in mind for me. I accept what comes.
Anyway, the above was in 2003. 2004 was a good yr for us and I never felt happier - I thought I had someone I loved who loved me too. We stayed over at each other's homes all the time until as recent as Jan this yr.
Now with this big cool-off thing, we're going out only on weekends. She still speaks to me like she usually does but I don't know what to treat her as. Its confounding. I'm begining to accept the cool-off thing on the basis that its very common among couples and too bad that we just happen to be one of them.
I think if she goes of to India, she'll really get life's lesson no-one else can teach her, given her rottenly pampered attitude. She doesn't appreciate the little comforts on our little island that most of us take for granted. I went to London (a DEVELOPED city) and I came back here with much much more appreciation. I used to be whiny and complainy abt S'pore but not anymore. A stint with India's widespread poverty and warzone environment will do her wonders.
Emotionally, I've prepared myself to let her go should she initiate a split, but till then I'll keep her and I'll like to see India change her for the better. Of course I wun wait forever. I find my own patience amazing - in fact I think its brilliant, in fact I'm gonna get a fishing rod and go fishing (yes, the real fish in water, not land fishing) this weekend.
Back to the 'crucial point'. You chose go on a LDR just the night before you leave Singapore. Technically speaking, it doesn't weaken the relationship. It just puts the relationship on a different start off line. Maintaining a relationship without the physical connection of it. From the way you've described your gf, she probably ain't really ready for anything like that. You on the other hand allowed things to 'survive'. There are 2 more likely ways that both of you could have survived the relationship till today. One is through your understanding of the situation and gaining a control of the situation (which didn't happen), the other is to just GIVE IN to her. Luck would play a greater role in your 2nd choice and lands you where you are today. Surviving but weak? It is a 'degrading' relationship in a form. 'Growing' but like a tumour?
At this point, I would also like to remind you that even if you believe God has a plan for you... This is unlikely to be one of them... As you've already chose for things to go in this certain way... God didn't ask you to do so...
From what it SEEMS, both of you would have a very much better job at handling a 'real-time' relationship than a 'virtual-time' (LDR) one...
Here comes my own spectaculation:
The fact that she has a pampered attitude sees it more that she would want to go to a country alone (even if it's a country like India) to show that she can be independent enough on her own.
The 'cool-off' period COULD be a trigger of a 'fear factor'. The time when you were back in London. How both of you barely made it. The reason why she chose India could also be because it's a less developed country. It indirectly shows a lack of confidence in her decision. The fact that she wants to go for her trip but dare not go for a sophisticated challenge. One in a advance city which might prove to be too busy for her to cope between her own life and you. She wants it that way, but is already also afraid to loose you.
This could also be a expression of hidden 'grief'. Had she ever (often?) mentioned to you that she feels it's unfair of you to just leave Singapore and have her behind with the vast distance apart between both of you? Well.. If she's a stubborn type with a 'sealed mouth' she might not wanna express it or even wanna be 'cool' and 'mature' about it. But her seemingly 'unreasonable' demands over the LDR period was already an indirect expression of that. Happy as she could be now, some 'simple reasons' (job search?) could have triggered this thing in her which she had never really gotten over with. Now she wants a 'reverse role'. She flies away, you'll be in Singapore longing for her. Perhaps not a very rational way of thinking, but probably she isn't thinking much of it herself. (it could be a 'hidden' thing that she doesn't even really think about.)
Simply put:
She needs assurance from you. That you understand there's a 'need' for her to be doing all these (though she might not truly understand it herself). Respect her decision. Assure her that things would be fine and you'll be waiting firmly for her safety return. This could be a start to a new journey for a 'recovery' in 'lost time'.
That's all I'll have to say. The rest is up to your decisions? -
I thank all who have written and here's what's happened now....
Over the two months of "cool-off" she initiated, I finally managed tp gather my thoughts and muster enough courage to finally break up a week or so ago.
Being the loose cannon that she is, she kinda dug the grave for our r/s to be buried into: saying stuff like she's just doesn't feel compelled to give in our r/s, she needs someone who can share her dreams of going abroad and live overseas (I want to as well but I have to oursue a career here to even be able to chase tt dream whereas she wants to drop everything and go while she's still young 24, I'm 26), she needs someone who can compel her to become a better person and I'm just not the one.
I emailed her telling her all my problems I had with her - can't accept this lop-sided r/s where she can't reciprocate, she tired of me, say she not looking for a soulmate (she definitely does not think of me even as her 1% soulmate, hence I think there's really not much point trying to continue this r/s), no emotional or physical intimacy (don't even hold hands at all).
Two days later she emailed saying that the above criteria might not necessarily be tt important; she turns around and say that on a day-to-day basis if we can go out and have fun, then that could possibly (not confirmed) be just about enough for her.
Then on Sat (16th apr), she email me say she miss me and ask me go out with her which I did. She didnt bring up the r/s issues and I didnt bother to talk about it. We just ate and watched a movie. She's asked to take back some selected items from my house (she's got loads of stuff still in my hse) but declined when I ask her to take back the whole lot.
Today she email me telling me things I oredi know: that there are issues between us and that if we want to continue anything then they need to be resolved. Again, I fire off all my problems with her. To that she say she doesn't know what to do and needs to think about things. SHe say she doesn't even know what her career plans are. To me that sounds like whether or not she wants to continue with me depends on her career. I feel so second-rate, taking the back-seat. I'm so glad I finally pulled out of such a meaningless r/s.
Even in times of break-up, she still hasn't come back to try and get me back. Shows how little I'm worth to her. Just as well, I truly know that she's not the one for me and I'll now move on. I feel great getting all my senses back and the dating scene for the swinging single looks so exciting again to me. :-)