Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think?
Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think?
Originally posted by nnilsia:Then why are you hanging on to her?
I have no problems at all with her going to India to experience how life is abroad. After all it's good that she goes out to explore the world as it'll be a good lesson in life (and of course learn to appreciate the many little luxuries we have here in S'pore, though some of u may disagree but tt's what I found compared to the UK). Even her own mum whom I've been speaking to thinks she should go coz she's too pampered and arrogant to learn from anyone else, so I guess she'll have to learn the hard way.
The issue really is how she develop complete disregard for me in such a short time. I think [b]classalpha said something so true in my case:
"never let her know you cant live without her, as she will only look down on u"
I think tt's precisely what I've been doing wrong all this while. Her disregard and disrespect for me is amazing and another one of my big mistakes was not to keep that in check' I can't believe that I actually became nicer to her instead juz to make her happy.
U noe, she actually once said to me in front of her own mum and I'll never forget this: "I'll sleep with anyone who can get me a job now". (Whether or not she'll actually do it is a different story altogether, but I wouldn't even dare to say anything remotely close to that to anyone at all!) To that her mum pointed at me and said "Then what about him??" In reply, she said "Tt's why I'm telling him now". And after this, we had a big argument but she justified herself citing that she's thrown all her morals and principles out the window, and tt since I can't find her a job, too bad. And I believe that she still stands by this today. I couldn't believe what I heard......could u imagine hearing this from ur own bf/gf?? I wun cite other hurtful stuff that's come off her poisoned tongue, tt was juz the worst.
[/b]
Originally posted by nnilsia:Hi all,
Here's my problem:
I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
What do you think?
Originally posted by Yunhaier:Don't quite agree with you.You managed to survive a LDR - an impressive, yet foolhardy attempt for LDR as you had to leave for Singapore the next day. A better option would be to settle your overseas studies first before deciding a relationship with her. I understand sometimes love can be a first-come-first-serve basis; you would bound to have certain degree of fear that she becomes unavailable when you are back. However, this is to eliminate the need for a risky LDR.
Hard truth is that most LDR fail because couple do not understand how much different is LDR from ordinary relationship. It is NOT simply just the distance and NOT merely MSN, emails, phone calls are sufficient for the relationship to thrive and grow.
You survive though, but gradually deteriorate the love relationship through [b]Charity and Individualism. She is free-spirited and the notion of individualism is very important to her, which is also the ultimate element that has the potential to break down even the best of relations. Love thrives on mutual growth, any effect of Individualism would be of detrimental effect on your relationship.
You two are like unlike poles; it's true that your are coming together as a couple, but there is an adverse different sense of direction... each looking into separate ways and weakening the magnetic attraction towards one another.
You want her to wake up and learn the lesson of 'Treasuring what you have now?'
She has to lose something precious and reality must sink her into life's lowest point. Only then this lesson can be taught effectively.What about you?
Do you truely think both of you are compatible? Since you have led a proper, ordinary relationship like anyone else, minus the vast distance? Is that what you are looking for? Or rather, does she possess the minimal qualities as a gf that could keep you fighting for the relationship? How long do you think you can substain before perishing?
P.S: We are all looking for answers. When you give up, you potentially throw away all possibility, but when you wait, you may not survive though the ordeal and may induce scars that never heals. The key is to make your decision and stick with them. How the scales is being balance, depends on what's important to you and what you wish to measure it with.
Cheers [/b]
Originally posted by Devil1976:Don't quite agree with you.
Have you consider the chance that the relationship mihgt have managed to 'survive' (pathetically?) because it was a LDR?
Reality just shows that the 'truths' can be so much more bare and cruel to bear when the cards are laid on the table.
Yes. That's my point. Sometimes things might just be delusionised. Well... Whether he intended for it in the 1st place or not?Originally posted by Yunhaier:Probably. The vast distance sometimes allow the relationship to 'run' seemingly even without consciously having to 'do anything'.
Of course, that's if he sees things this way - a desire for a long lasting (not neccessary final) fulfilling relationship. Then having that LDR may not exactly be a good choice.
Cheers
You've just mentioned a crucial thing within your last post. And along with the idea of 2 parties being 'individually detached' within 2 separate countries.. Yes, that one of the ways that a LDR can survive but without growth. Some people see a relationship at this point without growth as a sign of 'hibernation'. While there are others who sees it as 'death'. Or 'brain death'? - It is there but you no longer communicate or feel it.Originally posted by nnilsia:It was crazy and foolhardy to have gotten into a r/s just the night b4 I left S'pore, but I guess shit happens - God has a plan for all of us and I suppose tt's what He had in mind for me. I accept what comes.
Anyway, the above was in 2003. 2004 was a good yr for us and I never felt happier - I thought I had someone I loved who loved me too. We stayed over at each other's homes all the time until as recent as Jan this yr.
Now with this big cool-off thing, we're going out only on weekends. She still speaks to me like she usually does but I don't know what to treat her as. Its confounding. I'm begining to accept the cool-off thing on the basis that its very common among couples and too bad that we just happen to be one of them.
I think if she goes of to India, she'll really get life's lesson no-one else can teach her, given her rottenly pampered attitude. She doesn't appreciate the little comforts on our little island that most of us take for granted. I went to London (a DEVELOPED city) and I came back here with much much more appreciation. I used to be whiny and complainy abt S'pore but not anymore. A stint with India's widespread poverty and warzone environment will do her wonders.
Emotionally, I've prepared myself to let her go should she initiate a split, but till then I'll keep her and I'll like to see India change her for the better. Of course I wun wait forever. I find my own patience amazing - in fact I think its brilliant, in fact I'm gonna get a fishing rod and go fishing (yes, the real fish in water, not land fishing) this weekend.