Wait on or give-up?

• ILPSY

  19 Apr 05, 09:24

  I feel that you are pushing all the blame to your gf.
  Have you ever really understand her? Her emotions and rationale behind it. From all your postings, you only take into your feelings into consideration. I am so glad that you guys have broke off!!!
  
  Good Luck in your new relationship!
• varatare

  19 Apr 05, 11:23

  Hi nnilsia
  
  From you message, I believe that you are not here to find out who is at fault. Instead I think you are trying to find out what can you do. However, I cant advise you what you can do except to get your life back and move on. However, I have a few questions you may like to ask yourself before you decide on any action.
  
  Do you really love her?
  Do you love her enough to let her go?
  Do you love her enough to support her no matter what she decided to do including getting a new bf, getting married or maybe even never going to come back to Singapore?
  Do you love her enough to let her know that the decision she have chosen doesnt not weaken you, instead it make you stronger and better in life?
  
  I hope you will understand that what I am going to say is not trying to hurt you. I have totally no intention of doing that. But I feel that it will be wise for me to let you know that I personally do feel you need to grown up too.
  
  Regards
  
  

  Originally posted by nnilsia:

  Hi all,
  
  Here's my problem:
  
  I've been wif my gf for almost 2.5yrs now and we've been through some very tough times - incl. a long distance r/s when I was finishing off my last yr in a UK uni (in fact we never had a honeymoon period like most couples do coz I left the next day after we got together). The long distance thing was a real killer and we almost split so many times (rather she wanted to but I kinda begged her to wait till I came back) but somehow the r/s held.
  
  I finally came back to S'pore after 9 months and started working while she was finishing her last yr in uni here. Things were bad towards the end of 2003 but got better as she started recognising me as the person who had disappeared for so long.
  
  2004 was a great yr - we were getting closer and spending more time than ever with each other. I never really got sick of her - I suppose I'm someone who doesn't need very much personal space.
  
  Anyway, just a month ago or so, she just suddenly kinda got tired of me - she said she wanted space and from seeing each other 3-4 times a week now dropped to once a weekend. (Maybe at this point in time, u'll probably agree with her). So I gave her space and everyday after I finish work, my life now seems empty and I don't know what to do - yah I think I miss her very much. I've stopped calling and SMSing her all kinds of funny irrelevant stuff I used to do before the big cool-off which I never wanted. I don't contact her coz I want to show her that I'm not as "soft" and "womanly" (as she always describes me but tt's juz my vulnerable side that no-one else in the world has ever seen) and that I can "fang de sia". But u know, everytime I get an SMS , the first person that I can think of is her and u can imagine how disappointed I am when its not her (usually its not her anymore these days).
  
  She says she's very free-spirited and doesn't wat to get tied down by anything at all - I don't know if this includes my r/s with her but the fact that she hasn't dumped me says lots. Oh yes, the fact that she can't get her desired job after graduation last yr in her desired MNCs has demoralised her so much to the extent that she's signed up with Aiesec to be placed in a firm in India on local terms tentatively for 1.5yrs. Well, she says that since she can't get a job here she might as well look overseas. If all goes well for her, she'll be leaving early Apr and I don't think she's gonna ask me to visit as long as this cool-off thing doesn't end.
  
  I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can - I think of her more than half the time. The car feels so empty these days and its difficult trying to sleep sometimes without a shot or two of smirnoff, amazing how much the mind can imagine.
  
  I still love her very much even though her childish and inconsiderate ways (her character in general) have given me lots of grief/tears too. She hasn't given me any happiness for the last few months. And the other big thing that's keeping me going (besides loving her) is that she hasn't grown up yet and still biting the hand that feeds. So I really can't fault her for all the heart-breaking words she always has for me right?? On one hand, I feel like a masochistic sucker for pain and on the other I really want to see her "wake up" from her rosy picture of life. I'm currently more inclined towards the latter.
  What do you think?
  

• nnilsia

  19 Apr 05, 23:18

  To first answer ILPSY:
  
  Yes it may sound like I'm pushing all the blame to her. But the problem is really coming from her side. I feel that I have given her all that I can give and she acknowledges that, but she says she just can't give our r/s.
  I certainly know all her emotions and rationale behind her decisions or rather indecisions. Her decisions are now based on how her job search is going - if she goes to India, then she'll want a break-up and I'm just an insurance option if she stays here. I cannot accept being treated so worthlessly. Even her mum whom I've been speaking to says she (my ex) is self-centered and doesn't know what she wants and advised me to just be friends with her. I admit that I may be selfish, but she's probably more selfish than me.
  
  Answer to varatare:
  
  Yes, I'm not looking to fault either one of us and the past week or so, we both agree that we've got issues to resolve. When I asked her how she wants to resolve them, she told me that she needs to think about it and see how her job search goes. Right now, she's about almost confirmed going to India already, tentatively in early June. So I suppose there will be no wanting to patch up on her side if this happens. Yes I agree that I need to grow up emotionally too and this r/s has helped me learn lots.
  
  "Do you really love her? "
  
  Yes, I did very much and tt never changed throughout our r/s till now. I'm only sad that she admitted that she could not reciprocate.
  
  "Do you love her enough to let her go?"
  
  I loved her with all I had. But its too heartbreaking to carry on with someone who cannot reciprocate. Hence I'm leaving this r/s.
  
  "Do you love her enough to support her no matter what she decided to do including getting a new bf, getting married or maybe even never going to come back to Singapore? "
  
  I can love her only as a friend and not more. I feel that romantic love is something special to be shared mutually between two people who are able to reciprocate and treat each other as equals. In short, no, I cannot love her romantically if she can't give back.
  
  Do you love her enough to let her know that the decision she have chosen doesnt not weaken you, instead it make you stronger and better in life?
  
  Yes, in fact I emailed her this:
  "YouÂ’ve made me much stronger and resilient. My patience has become astoundingly supple. I know now not to be too trusting and too nice. I know what holding back feels like when IÂ’m on the receiving end. IÂ’m more experienced now. I appreciate what others do for me a lot more now."
• Devil1976

  20 Apr 05, 13:38

  I guess she've made her point and you've made yours...?
  
  To this point.. I personally feel that there's no right or wrong answer, but more of decisions to be made....
  
  All the best?
• ilovemyrolex

  20 Apr 05, 18:40

  Originally posted by nnilsia:

  "never let her know you cant live without her, as she will only look down on u"
  
  I think tt's precisely what I've been doing wrong all this while. Her disregard and disrespect for me is amazing and another one of my big mistakes was not to keep that in check' I can't believe that I actually became nicer to her instead juz to make her happy.

  Dude, you really sound like a nice guy and there's nothing wrong with telling someone you love her.
  
  She sounds like an immature b1tch who doesn't appreciate you. Find someone who does.
• drx

  21 Apr 05, 15:10

  you already know what to do then just do it.
  no need for us to advise anymore.