Divorce or not to divorce?
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I am a male, 31 years of age. IÂ’ve been married for almost 4 years now. I have been quarreling with my wife quite often e.g. at least once in a month average. Some quarrels are quite bad while others are not so bad. All these quarreling have been going on after one year of our marriage.
I have quite a bad temper and she is stubborn to the core. If I raised my voice a little bit she’d go berserk and start to mention the “D” word. We had some fights before, but I must say that I was being forced to hit her because she would pushed me around and scratch me very hard on my neck, arms, thighs and she’s also very hurtful with her words. I would dare say that she’s the one started it first. She even kicked my spine when I ignore her questions! I’d promised her I’d never hit a woman but I guess I broke the promise. I feel really, really bad after that. I need to apologized profusely before she would forgive me, even if she started it all.
Third year of marriage, even more “D” word flying around whenever I did something wrong. I was a smoker when we knew each other. After marriage, I promise her I will quit. But as usual, it’s very hard to quit. I’ve tried many times to quit and there’s a time I managed to stop smoking for about 3 months. However, I’ve started to smoke again whenever we quarrel. If you want to know what we are quarreling about, I will tell you. Most of the time, we would quarrel over trivial matters, really. Sometimes we would quarrel because she has her way of doing things while I have my own, I’d give in eventually.
She earns more than I am. She’s contributed to the flat more than I am. She had more education than I am. But I am catching up, as I am about to complete my studies. Somehow, I always feel that she would threaten me with the “D” word whenever we quarrel, just to make me give in? Or does she really mean it? I would always worry and feel bad whenever she mentions the “D” word, hence, I would apologize to her eventually. Sometimes, even both parties are in the wrong, I would still apologize while she would most of the time, not apologize. I really don’t know.
Recently, weÂ’ve got ourselves a maid. Actually, we had a maid almost a year ago but we send her back in less than a week because my wife accused me of having a thing or two with the maid. I swear by the name of GOD I am innocent. She accused blindly just because I was being too kind hearted that I actually take the maid out to buy stamps for her postage to be send back to Indonesia. I was in disbelieved. Ok, we send the maid back. Then now, after a year or so, weÂ’ve got a new maid. She starts to suspect this and that again. Saying I was too kind to her and all that.
Almost two days ago, the maid was complaining that her alarm clock donÂ’t work anymore. So my wife took the clock and does some monitoring. The clock is still ticking but it will stop after some time. I was home after a soccer game and she starts to complain to me that the maid has lied. My wife said she put the clock on top of the TV and set the time correctly but after about 45 minutes, the maid pointed to her that the clock failed again. So my wife accuse the maid that she had deliberately place the battery slightly out of the battery compartment. I told my wife to investigate further and without notice she accuse me of not believing in her and trust the maid only.
That’s fine. So I took the clock and went into the bedroom and set the time correctly and monitor it myself. About half and hour later my wife came in and told me, “Hey look the clock has stopped”. I didn’t notice until she told me that. So I told my wife “there, shouldn’t have accused the maid”. She got mad. I was wondering what would have benefited the maid by actually telling my wife that the clock has stopped? Is it that if the maid tell my wife that the clock is spoilt she don’t have to use another clock hence need not wake up on time in the morning anymore?
I was trying to stress my point to her but she just won’t listen, as usual. She even suspects me of stopping the clock deliberately. I was again, in disbelieve! Then she took the clock and put it on bedside table. She wants to monitor it again. Early in the morning, she told me “look! The clock is working”, which is indeed true. I tried explaining to her that maybe the batteries are not in good working condition anymore. But she refused to accept it. We had a quarrel. And as usual, she starts to hurl words, which really hurt my feelings like “I am not worth it”. Then, I got really worked up and asked her if she mean, “let’s divorce”? She replied, "yes, why not?".
From that moment onwards, I knew something is going to happen. And that something is that the “D” word will no longer come out from her mouth ever again. And I will initiate the divorce petition to end this, forever.
However, I do not know if this is the right thing for me to do as I have daughter. Sorry if this thread is too long but I could still go on some more but I guess that wouldnÂ’t be necessary. Thanks for reading and I hope to see some of your views.
1. Should I apologize, again?
2. Divorce
I think I am now ready to choose option 2 as I canÂ’t take it anymore. But I just need to see what your thoughts are before I really make the decision. Thanks. -
dun divorce
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Would you be able to tell me why? Thanks.Originally posted by sgboy2005:dun divorce -
It must have been terrible to put up with her nonense. However, I dun encourage divorce unless you have tried every way to get along well with her. Why not seek professional consultation? Those who will give counselling or whatever in family planning etc..Find out what is the cause of her behaviours..
It's fate that brings two together..and love that ties both by marriage..
Are you really going to give up? Dun be in a hurry to make a decision and regret..especially when you have a child to be taken into consideration too. -
I didn't even mention the phrase 'her nonsense' in my 1st post but it looks like you can very well understand what I've been going through. Thanks.Originally posted by browniebaobao:It must have been terrible to put up with her nonense. However, I dun encourage divorce unless you have tried every way to get along well with her. Why not seek professional consultation? Those who will give counselling or whatever in family planning etc..Find out what is the cause of her behaviours..
It's fate that brings two together..and love that ties both by marriage..
Are you really going to give up? Dun be in a hurry to make a decision and regret..especially when you have a child to be taken into consideration too.
You are right. My daughter is my only concern now. I really don't know what to do. Seek professional help? I really don't know. Maybe I will ask her. I will update the outcome here. Thanks! -
Well, it is not easy to get to know each other & stay together from begining till now. Think of ur coutship & the happy times u guys bin together, maybe there r more happy moments than any sad things u can think of now. but i wann to let u know, dun give up so easily as many times we take things for granted, it's only when it's gone or u can never turn back time, u feel regretful. Most importantly, u have started a family & think of the consequent of your daughter & the upbring of her will be affected by your divorce.
So, my suggestion will be to see a counsellor or a love doctor .... try everything u can b-4 u really say the D word....
All the best to u ... hope u can still maintain & hold ur family together -
Originally posted by troubled_soul:I didn't even mention the phrase 'her nonsense' in my 1st post but it looks like you can very well understand what I've been going through. Thanks.
You are right. My daughter is my only concern now. I really don't know what to do. Seek professional help? I really don't know. Maybe I will ask her. I will update the outcome here. Thanks!
All the best! -
I have thought of all those whenever we had a fight and I think she does too. But I just couldn't take it when she use the "D" word so freely. This is not the first time, second time or third time and I've always tell her not to use the word but she just won't listen. I lost count of the number of times she uses the word already. This is my thought:Originally posted by babymac13:Well, it is not easy to get to know each other & stay together from begining till now. Think of ur coutship & the happy times u guys bin together, maybe there r more happy moments than any sad things u can think of now. but i wann to let u know, dun give up so easily as many times we take things for granted, it's only when it's gone or u can never turn back time, u feel regretful. Most importantly, u have started a family & think of the consequent of your daughter & the upbring of her will be affected by your divorce.
So, my suggestion will be to see a counsellor or a love doctor .... try everything u can b-4 u really say the D word....
All the best to u ... hope u can still maintain & hold ur family together
"Is it just because she thinks she earns more than me or contributed more to the flat gives her the right to use the D word so freely and easily, that I would be scared because I need to depend on her and hence give in to her, even if she's being unreasonable? "
In actual fact, I don't depend much on her. I pay all the bills. I do house chores (before we got a maid). I do the laundries. I do the cookings. In fact, I do almost everything.
But we've not seek professional help so I guess I will do that. And I hope she'd agree to do it also. Thanks for your input and well wishes. Appreciated. -
i have something to contribute here that might be helpful..
In the past, when i quarrelled w my bf, i always threaten him with"break" cos i know then he will give in to me and i will win, no matter wad...
Until once, he asked me whether i am taking him for granted and always using break to scare him.. i denied promptly of cos, and even said if u think i am threatening u only then let's break then. it doesnt matter to me....
After hearing this, he said no i dun wan to break... ok then i decided to be really mean, i told him if he beg me ok den i wun break with him.. to my surprise, he actually kneeled and beg me not to break up...
from then on, i never ever use the "break" to threaten him anymore.. cos i seen how mean i've been to him and how much he loves me....
we've now being happily tog for abt 2 yrs and still very happy... more compromising and so we seldom quarrel...
My advice is, maybe you should prove to ur wife that you are "worth it", cos i used to think my bf is not worthy of me also.. but not now of cos... Prove to ur wife you love her alot, her sacrifices and her marriage to u are all worthy...
I suggest u ask her if her "D" is serious, not in a tone as in daring her to D you, but in a heart-to-heart manner... talk abt the consequences and what u all really wan... Never raise ur voice in the talk.. if she gets upset, remind her to cool down gently...
Lastly, i hope u all will stay tog and work things out... as i see u still care alot for the marriage...
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I send u a private msg.....care to check out?
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I send u a private message,check it out
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I suggest the best thing now, is to go for a holiday either by yourself
or with your whole family..try to build strong bonds..
your family seems on the verge of being crushed..try any desperate solutions like counselling etc...
u and ur wife might be saying..why let outsiders "handle house affairs"?
but counsellors really do help and they will keep your case anonymous
alot of cases also has been resolved by them.
good luck. if you can't stand her...remember to do everything you can..
last option should be divorce..
find out where it has gone wrong..and fix on it. -
improve urself, show u are a man, willing to learn, willing to upgrade. women need a man whom they can count on. thier current position, status and their future position and status. its important that women see light at the end of the tunnel. the trivial things are really no mentions, its really not about that. to really win back her heart for u, u got to take big solid steps to progress in ur career. its not just about the more money u can earn, its about us, like men who are confident, sure, and capable.Originally posted by troubled_soul:I have thought of all those whenever we had a fight and I think she does too. But I just couldn't take it when she use the "D" word so freely. This is not the first time, second time or third time and I've always tell her not to use the word but she just won't listen. I lost count of the number of times she uses the word already. This is my thought:
"Is it just because she thinks she earns more than me or contributed more to the flat gives her the right to use the D word so freely and easily, that I would be scared because I need to depend on her and hence give in to her, even if she's being unreasonable? "
In actual fact, I don't depend much on her. I pay all the bills. I do house chores (before we got a maid). I do the laundries. I do the cookings. In fact, I do almost everything.
But we've not seek professional help so I guess I will do that. And I hope she'd agree to do it also. Thanks for your input and well wishes. Appreciated.
if u are not near, try really hard to improve, but never discuss what i say to her, cos she got to feel it subtlely. when all else fails, and u want to remain on ur own square and not improve, there is really not way out of ur mess. hope it is useful. -
I've talked to her about how easily she pop the D word, as gently as I can be. She didn't give me a direct answer most of the time, instead, she would say "it's all your fault, i don't care, you must say sorry" and "sorry" is the word I use the most whenever we quarreled. Of course I do care a lot for my family, that's why I would always give in to her, just to save the marriage. Yes, I've kneeled down when she pop the D word for the first time, in front of my dad and I was crying my eyes out, in front of my dad. My dad was so upset and angry with me and scolded me for being so useless that I need to go to such extent. What do you think my feeling was at that time? My wife? She's not that forgiving. She'd need sometime to cool down and then forgive me. Unfortunately, the D word kept popping out like popcorns since then. As if she knows if she use the D word, I would give in. I really don't know. Thanks for sharing though.Originally posted by Steph84:i have something to contribute here that might be helpful..
In the past, when i quarrelled w my bf, i always threaten him with"break" cos i know then he will give in to me and i will win, no matter wad...
Until once, he asked me whether i am taking him for granted and always using break to scare him.. i denied promptly of cos, and even said if u think i am threatening u only then let's break then. it doesnt matter to me....
After hearing this, he said no i dun wan to break... ok then i decided to be really mean, i told him if he beg me ok den i wun break with him.. to my surprise, he actually kneeled and beg me not to break up...
from then on, i never ever use the "break" to threaten him anymore.. cos i seen how mean i've been to him and how much he loves me....
we've now being happily tog for abt 2 yrs and still very happy... more compromising and so we seldom quarrel...
My advice is, maybe you should prove to ur wife that you are "worth it", cos i used to think my bf is not worthy of me also.. but not now of cos... Prove to ur wife you love her alot, her sacrifices and her marriage to u are all worthy...
I suggest u ask her if her "D" is serious, not in a tone as in daring her to D you, but in a heart-to-heart manner... talk abt the consequences and what u all really wan... Never raise ur voice in the talk.. if she gets upset, remind her to cool down gently...
Lastly, i hope u all will stay tog and work things out... as i see u still care alot for the marriage... -
I've replied to you. Thanks.Originally posted by doomz:I send u a private message,check it out -
Thanks for your input. Yes, I will seek professional help.Originally posted by SMAPLionHeart:I suggest the best thing now, is to go for a holiday either by yourself
or with your whole family..try to build strong bonds..
your family seems on the verge of being crushed..try any desperate solutions like counselling etc...
u and ur wife might be saying..why let outsiders "handle house affairs"?
but counsellors really do help and they will keep your case anonymous
alot of cases also has been resolved by them.
good luck. if you can't stand her...remember to do everything you can..
last option should be divorce..
find out where it has gone wrong..and fix on it. -
i doubt asking u to have a good chat with yr wife helps.
my suggestion is to divorce, instead of continue this miserable life u now having, why not have a clean cut with her so that u can find happiness some where else, -
I seriously think the problem is not about my education, my career, my earning power, my status etc... If that was the case, she wouldn't have marry me in the first place. She married me for who and what I am. We've known each other for more than five years before tying the knots. So she know very well who I am and what I am capable of. Even after we married, I never stop upgrading myself. She even told me that she's glad that I am upgrading myself.Originally posted by jaimeyeo:improve urself, show u are a man, willing to learn, willing to upgrade. women need a man whom they can count on. thier current position, status and their future position and status. its important that women see light at the end of the tunnel. the trivial things are really no mentions, its really not about that. to really win back her heart for u, u got to take big solid steps to progress in ur career. its not just about the more money u can earn, its about us, like men who are confident, sure, and capable.
if u are not near, try really hard to improve, but never discuss what i say to her, cos she got to feel it subtlely. when all else fails, and u want to remain on ur own square and not improve, there is really not way out of ur mess. hope it is useful.
I really don't know. Must I really be earning more than her, have higher education than her so that she would not use the D word anymore? This is absurd. I've asked her this question before and as usual, no answer. Maybe no answer = yes? I don't know. I would really like to find this out from her.
Frankly, if any party uses tactics such as threatening to divorce or break up in a marriage or a relationship over trivial matters, then I think it's time give up and move on? Agree? Of course I wouldn't mind at all if she uses the D word if I commit adultery or having an affair with another women or I am an alcoholic or I fool around or anything. But I done no sin, never cheat on her or anything at all. I really don't know. I do know how long I can last. I really don't. -
We've not been talking for about three days now. I don't know how long this will go on. As you can see those who've replied so far advised me to seek professional help and 'divorce' is the last option, which I agree. I will seek professional help and see how it goes. I must try whatever means to fix this. I don't want my daugther to suffer. I really do want to make this work. If all else fails, then divorce is the only choice. However, as you've suggested to me to find happiness some where else(if we were to divorce), I doubt I want to go through this again. I will never, ever, want to get involve in any kind of relationship with any women anymore. My focus will purely on my beloved daughter only. She's my precious. No one else comes close. Thanks.Originally posted by wudimax:i doubt asking u to have a good chat with yr wife helps.
my suggestion is to divorce, instead of continue this miserable life u now having, why not have a clean cut with her so that u can find happiness some where else, -
- If you divorce now, since you wife has a higher earning power and potential, and because of the unproven assertion that mum's are better carers, she is likely to get the child. Of coz, i'm saying so only on the basis of the limited info presented in your orig post.
- I suggest you seek a family lawyer to discuss the implications of divorce before making a decision. -
Yes, your suggestion to seek a family lawyer to discuss the implications of a divorce is good. However, I will first seek help from a counsellor.Originally posted by lwflee:- If you divorce now, since you wife has a higher earning power and potential, and because of the unproven assertion that mum's are better carers, she is likely to get the child. Of coz, i'm saying so only on the basis of the limited info presented in your orig post.
- I suggest you seek a family lawyer to discuss the implications of divorce before making a decision.
I would think that she'll likely to get the custody of the child too. This is beyond my control, it's the judge's decision. So, I have no choice. I really don't want this to continue and I hope can get this resolved without much problems. Thanks for the suggestion. -
hello troubled_soul,
Directly Ask your wife if she still love you?
If yes, is the answer that came out from her mouth then why not have a heart-heart session. If no, then ....
Check if she has other suitors outside...Also do you want your precious daughter to have a broken family? Why divource?
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Even if she might get the custody of the child, the judge could also grant you visits to your daughter. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Try visualizing yourself 10 years from now, do you want your daughter living in a family full of quarrels (she'll turn out to be rebellious, I tell ya) or do you want her to live peacefully with both her parents vying for her affections (Seperately, but she'll be thoroughly spoilt with no proper guidance) ? Let's say you are both divorced and each now having new spouses after a while. Do you not think your daughter will be tramautized? Do you think you'll be spending more time with your daughter or your new girlfriend? Or do you think her mother would spend more time with her boyfriend or her own flesh and blood? What makes you think that her stepdad/stepmum would accept her? If even if so, do you think your daughter would not suffer from the aftermath of the divorce? She'll be scarred for life, I tell you. At least both you and your wife are parents to your daughter and not some outsiders. And I believe your daughter is still young so she might not know what's happening to both of you. Once the mental scar is there, it's very difficult to remove.So either way, you've got to solve asap and please stop playing the victim here. A marriage is for two persons to work it out not one. Remember this phrase? "It takes both hands to clap".
I understand your wife is feeling very insecure. I have this feeling that your wife is only trying to 'sa jiao' that's why the divorce has yet to be finalised. Maybe you've not been paying much attention to your wife? Another thing is, seeking professional help is also another great idea to revive your marriage. I advice you to see a family therapist or something. They can help you create new powerful anchors and bring both of you back to the first time you fell in love with each other. They will do this continously for each session until these great feelings came flodding back and both you might successfully fall deeply in love again.
This is only just a small advice from me,take it or leave it -
Hey troubled soul..
after reading ur posts.. i think u need to confront ur wife if she still loves u... urs is indeed an unhappy marriage.. and ur wife certainly dunno how to treasure you.. nor does she appears to treasure this marriage..
If you are truly unhappy, and she refuse to change.. i say get a divorce... u may say u dun wan to have another relationship.. but u wouldnt know wad fate has in store for u...
Last time my dad also always use D to threaten my mom.. for 10 over years.. till when i was sec 4, my mom buey tahan.. she say okie divorce den divorce.. even got a lawyer and all.. then my dad "see coffin tears roll".. become he beg my mom not to divorce and from then on no more D nonsense from my dad..
Some people just need to have a taste of their own medicine b4 they realise wad matters to them... i strongly urge u to stop giving in and be a man!! no matter how much u love ur daughter, giving in blindly is jus not right.... u need to stand up for yourself and live for yourself also... see a lawyer for ur options... really wish u gd luck and all ur torment end soon... -
I think, at this point of time, by asking my wife if she still love me will not solve the problem. The real problem is this;Originally posted by niceguy_123:hello troubled_soul,
Directly Ask your wife if she still love you?
If yes, is the answer that came out from her mouth then why not have a heart-heart session. If no, then ....
Check if she has other suitors outside...Also do you want your precious daughter to have a broken family? Why divource?
She kept using the D word so freely almost everytime when we quarrel over trivial matters. To me, this is not healthy and not a good thing to say or hear. She could simply say it, just like that. I really don't know how to explain to you my feeling when she say that. So, this is the problem. I really want to know why she'd pop the D word so easily. I really do want to know. I guess this is what I want to find out for now.
I strongly think that she has no other suitor outside. I hope I am right. If she really is seeing someone, I would beg her to tell me, so that we could divorce peacefully and she can go to the man she always wanted. This my thought only. For now, I still think that she is faithful to me, and so am I to her.
Thanks though.