Divorce or not to divorce?
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She probably uses the D-word to threaten you thinking that you will not leave her. She does not realise what the consequences are for her as a woman if a divorce does take place.Originally posted by troubled_soul:I think, at this point of time, by asking my wife if she still love me will not solve the problem. The real problem is this;
She kept using the D word so freely almost everytime when we quarrel over trivial matters. To me, this is not healthy and not a good thing to say or hear. She could simply say it, just like that. I really don't know how to explain to you my feeling when she say that. So, this is the problem. I really want to know why she'd pop the D word so easily. I really do want to know. I guess this is what I want to find out for now.
I strongly think that she has no other suitor outside. I hope I am right. If she really is seeing someone, I would beg her to tell me, so that we could divorce peacefully and she can go to the man she always wanted. This my thought only. For now, I still think that she is faithful to me, and so am I to her.
Thanks though.
Next time she says the D word, in a serious manner sternly tell her, "Don't say things that you don't mean." -
Are you crazy? Of course I will take it(your advise). They are great. You see, divorce is always the last thing on my mind. I dare tell you, I've never mention the D word, not even once. Why? Because I know it's not right, and it's something trivial that we are quarelling about, not because of either one of us are having an affair elsewhere or we cheated or anything that would be equally serious. Nothing of that sort.Originally posted by Oyster Omelette:Even if she might get the custody of the child, the judge could also grant you visits to your daughter. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Try visualizing yourself 10 years from now, do you want your daughter living in a family full of quarrels (she'll turn out to be rebellious, I tell ya) or do you want her to live peacefully with both her parents vying for her affections (Seperately, but she'll be thoroughly spoilt with no proper guidance) ? Let's say you are both divorced and each now having new spouses after a while. Do you not think your daughter will be tramautized? Do you think you'll be spending more time with your daughter or your new girlfriend? Or do you think her mother would spend more time with her boyfriend or her own flesh and blood? What makes you think that her stepdad/stepmum would accept her? If even if so, do you think your daughter would not suffer from the aftermath of the divorce? She'll be scarred for life, I tell you. At least both you and your wife are parents to your daughter and not some outsiders. And I believe your daughter is still young so she might not know what's happening to both of you. Once the mental scar is there, it's very difficult to remove.So either way, you've got to solve asap and please stop playing the victim here. A marriage is for two persons to work it out not one. Remember this phrase? "It takes both hands to clap".
I understand your wife is feeling very insecure. I have this feeling that your wife is only trying to 'sa jiao' that's why the divorce has yet to be finalised. Maybe you've not been paying much attention to your wife? Another thing is, seeking professional help is also another great idea to revive your marriage. I advice you to see a family therapist or something. They can help you create new powerful anchors and bring both of you back to the first time you fell in love with each other. They will do this continously for each session until these great feelings came flodding back and both you might successfully fall deeply in love again.
This is only just a small advice from me,take it or leave it
Thanks. I will seek help from a family counselor. -
Steph84,Originally posted by Steph84:giving in blindly is jus not right.... u need to stand up for yourself and live for yourself also...
This is what has been running is my mind these few days. I must not give in blindly, I must not give in blindly, I kept telling myself. -
I think my wife and I realise the consequences if a divorce takes place. Our daughter will suffer the most, this is definite. She knows that.Originally posted by TehJarVu:She probably uses the D-word to threaten you thinking that you will not leave her. She does not realise what the consequences are for her as a woman if a divorce does take place.
Next time she says the D word, in a serious manner sternly tell her, "Don't say things that you don't mean."
There will be no next time for her to mention the D word again because I've just thought about it, deeply. I don't want to be treated as a worthless being that will make me feel down and effects my studies and work, anymore. All I want from her is for her to understand that the D word shouldn't be used as when she like. This is just not right when I do nothing sinful. I really hope she will understand. -
Day 4.
She told me she was going to submit the documents today. However, she said she will file for a 3 years separation. She went out this morning at around 9 plus and came back before noon. I doubt she's submitted it.
I really don't know what she's up to. Maybe she isn't sure? Today, she packed food for me and left it on the table and sms me "I packed Chicken rice for you".
Plan for next week, I will call up the family service centre coming Monday to make an appointment. See how it goes. -
Hi Troubled soul
Maybe ur wife is indeed not serious in divorcing... just as a threat.. when she see u not scared by her threat, think she will stop her threats...
remain strong dear... though i hate MCPs, i can see u are certainly not one.. a very nice hubby in fact.. dun give in to her and prove u are not threatened by her.. however, u muz also show that u still love ur family and marriage... just that u dun wan to live in fear and suppression anymore...
Good luck and keep us informed of ur progress!!!
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sigh..
I think you have lost all dignity in her eyes when u kneel down to beg her (in the prescence of your father too).
From then on, she thinks you needed her more than she needed you. -
Originally posted by troubled_soul:I am a male, 31 years of age. IÂ’ve been married for almost 4 years now. I have been quarreling with my wife quite often e.g. at least once in a month average. Some quarrels are quite bad while others are not so bad. All these quarreling have been going on after one year of our marriage.
I have quite a bad temper and she is stubborn to the core. If I raised my voice a little bit she’d go berserk and start to mention the “D” word. We had some fights before, but I must say that I was being forced to hit her because she would pushed me around and scratch me very hard on my neck, arms, thighs and she’s also very hurtful with her words. I would dare say that she’s the one started it first. She even kicked my spine when I ignore her questions! I’d promised her I’d never hit a woman but I guess I broke the promise. I feel really, really bad after that. I need to apologized profusely before she would forgive me, even if she started it all.
Third year of marriage, even more “D” word flying around whenever I did something wrong. I was a smoker when we knew each other. After marriage, I promise her I will quit. But as usual, it’s very hard to quit. I’ve tried many times to quit and there’s a time I managed to stop smoking for about 3 months. However, I’ve started to smoke again whenever we quarrel. If you want to know what we are quarreling about, I will tell you. Most of the time, we would quarrel over trivial matters, really. Sometimes we would quarrel because she has her way of doing things while I have my own, I’d give in eventually.
She earns more than I am. She’s contributed to the flat more than I am. She had more education than I am. But I am catching up, as I am about to complete my studies. Somehow, I always feel that she would threaten me with the “D” word whenever we quarrel, just to make me give in? Or does she really mean it? I would always worry and feel bad whenever she mentions the “D” word, hence, I would apologize to her eventually. Sometimes, even both parties are in the wrong, I would still apologize while she would most of the time, not apologize. I really don’t know.
Recently, weÂ’ve got ourselves a maid. Actually, we had a maid almost a year ago but we send her back in less than a week because my wife accused me of having a thing or two with the maid. I swear by the name of GOD I am innocent. She accused blindly just because I was being too kind hearted that I actually take the maid out to buy stamps for her postage to be send back to Indonesia. I was in disbelieved. Ok, we send the maid back. Then now, after a year or so, weÂ’ve got a new maid. She starts to suspect this and that again. Saying I was too kind to her and all that.
Almost two days ago, the maid was complaining that her alarm clock donÂ’t work anymore. So my wife took the clock and does some monitoring. The clock is still ticking but it will stop after some time. I was home after a soccer game and she starts to complain to me that the maid has lied. My wife said she put the clock on top of the TV and set the time correctly but after about 45 minutes, the maid pointed to her that the clock failed again. So my wife accuse the maid that she had deliberately place the battery slightly out of the battery compartment. I told my wife to investigate further and without notice she accuse me of not believing in her and trust the maid only.
That’s fine. So I took the clock and went into the bedroom and set the time correctly and monitor it myself. About half and hour later my wife came in and told me, “Hey look the clock has stopped”. I didn’t notice until she told me that. So I told my wife “there, shouldn’t have accused the maid”. She got mad. I was wondering what would have benefited the maid by actually telling my wife that the clock has stopped? Is it that if the maid tell my wife that the clock is spoilt she don’t have to use another clock hence need not wake up on time in the morning anymore?
I was trying to stress my point to her but she just won’t listen, as usual. She even suspects me of stopping the clock deliberately. I was again, in disbelieve! Then she took the clock and put it on bedside table. She wants to monitor it again. Early in the morning, she told me “look! The clock is working”, which is indeed true. I tried explaining to her that maybe the batteries are not in good working condition anymore. But she refused to accept it. We had a quarrel. And as usual, she starts to hurl words, which really hurt my feelings like “I am not worth it”. Then, I got really worked up and asked her if she mean, “let’s divorce”? She replied, "yes, why not?".
From that moment onwards, I knew something is going to happen. And that something is that the “D” word will no longer come out from her mouth ever again. And I will initiate the divorce petition to end this, forever.
However, I do not know if this is the right thing for me to do as I have daughter. Sorry if this thread is too long but I could still go on some more but I guess that wouldnÂ’t be necessary. Thanks for reading and I hope to see some of your views.
1. Should I apologize, again?
2. Divorce
I think I am now ready to choose option 2 as I canÂ’t take it anymore. But I just need to see what your thoughts are before I really make the decision. Thanks.
Interesting.
Your marriage barely stand a year and petty quarrels litter across your love. What is the basis and reason for the marriage then? I am sure such thingy DO happen frequently in your BGR as well? Or is it because of the 'marriage-can-change-everything-phenomenon'?
Could you visualise how weak the foundation of your love? How easily the word 'Divorce' could be used, even in petty arguments?
Immaturity? What do you think?
*** The cusps of your marriage-problem lies with continuous attempt to resolve problems through surface-dissolving of issue and not actually taking on the roots of it (zhi biao bu zhi ben).
You THOUGHT it was compromising; it's actually a alternative version of avoidance. There are virtually zero communication - communication to sort martial issue out, speak like matured couple and resolve them mutually. Too much 'You' and finger pointing is around - like what we do to our annoying siblings. By now, you ought to realise marriage don't survive on that kinda thing for long before it hit the iceberg and start sinking.
Why do I say it's an alternative version of avoidance? You GAVE in because psychologically and emotionally, you wanted to avoid further trouble. It eliminate the need for you to communicate... about the damage of your love and thus with weak communication, this marriage produce very fragile marital bonds that is easily shaken and undaunted by the subject of divorce.
Individual ego has to be dissolved for mutual love to thrive.
Have you ever realise WHY your wife is so paranoid/possessive/insecured? Even way before you both were offically married? Her personality on WHY she is like that? Touch on them and mould them into positive channels?
'Aiya... she is like that one lar...'
These are issues to be worked out and a divorce could give you nothing ultimately. If external factors are involved (say a third-party), depending on case by case, probably divorce is the final resort. But if it is about personality - my question is, then knowing that she is LIKE that and YOU are like that during BGR stage, why get married in the first place? (A repeat of my paragraph two)
Since you both are married - then do what a married couple would do in face of a crisis. Work them out and smooth the rough edges. IMO Personality indifferences are the worst reason to end a marriage. Cause in the first place, what's a BGR for then? One way street?
P.S: And of course I know why it still happens. Since you need that mental stimuli to review your marriage. I am giving pieces of thoughts to digest. Don't call it game over if you didn't do what is possible to work things out. Always attempt alternatives.
Cheers -
Yunhaier,
I read your post and it was very encouraging and very well said indeed. I agree entirely with you that both of us (my wife and I) are immature. IÂ’ve taken note of your excellent advice that my marriage-problem lies with continuous attempt to resolve problems through surface-dissolving of issue and NOT actually taking on the roots of it.
I’ve always thought that we (my wife and I) are communicating. But I guess the key here is ‘communication to sort martial issue out, speak like matured couple and resolve them mutually’ as what you’ve mentioned. They are excellent advice. I will take note of that also.
For now, I would seriously think that I should also forward this (your reply) to my wife by e-mail so she could see the immature side of the both of us.
Last but not least, I would like to wholeheartedly thank everyone whoÂ’d been following my thread and providing me with invaluable advice. Thank you. -
dont divorce. there are bound to be problems and quarrels in a marriage. why did you get married in the 1st place? go talk to your wife nicely. you have to try!! marriage only fails when both parties give up. tell each other your expectations and problems. there must be a reason for her sudden change in behaviour. remind her of the good loving days. you have already come this far. if push comes to shove, go for marriage counselling. you have to be patient.
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After I have forwarded Yunhaier's post to my wife through e-mail, this is what she has got to say (copy & paste, unedited):
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Honestly, I think this is what happen right from the BGR. We are both of different personality, strong ego, easily provoked by each other weak points.
Perhaps we should attend marriage counselling and try to mend our wounds from there. If really beyond repair, then call it over.
What do you think?
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Well, I am glad she's chosen to attend the marriage counselling sessions. I am really very glad. Thanks Yunhaier. I feel so much better now.
However, something to ponder here; which individual are of the same personality they possess? Are there? Or at least there must be a little of differences. I guess I will ask the counselor about this. Thanks everyone. -
Originally posted by troubled_soul:After I have forwarded Yunhaier's post to my wife through e-mail, this is what she has got to say (copy & paste, unedited):
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Honestly, I think this is what happen right from the BGR. We are both of different personality, strong ego, easily provoked by each other weak points.
Perhaps we should attend marriage counselling and try to mend our wounds from there. If really beyond repair, then call it over.
What do you think?
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Well, I am glad she's chosen to attend the marriage counselling sessions. I am really very glad. Thanks Yunhaier. I feel so much better now.
However, something to ponder here; which individual are of the same personality they possess? Are there? Or at least there must be a little of differences. I guess I will ask the counselor about this. Thanks everyone.
Well at least she is willing to give it a try to attend couneselling sessions. But then, the two of you always communicate thru emails? That's not very gd leh. -
Much obliged. Yes, she has agreed for us to go for marriage counselling, which I am glad.Originally posted by dragg:dont divorce. there are bound to be problems and quarrels in a marriage. why did you get married in the 1st place? go talk to your wife nicely. you have to try!! marriage only fails when both parties give up. tell each other your expectations and problems. there must be a reason for her sudden change in behaviour. remind her of the good loving days. you have already come this far. if push comes to shove, go for marriage counselling. you have to be patient. -
No lah. This is the first time we are communicating through e-mail after the last Thursday incident. Thanks brownieOriginally posted by browniebaobao:
Well at least she is willing to give it a try to attend couneselling sessions. But then, the two of you always communicate thru emails? That's not very gd leh. -
Hi Troubled_soul,
I'm so happy for you. Honestly, I believe compatibility in personality and the willingness to compromise is very important.
Hope things will work out between you and your wife. -
Thanks your thoughts. I sure do hope things will work out.Originally posted by timble:Hi Troubled_soul,
I'm so happy for you. Honestly, I believe compatibility in personality and the willingness to compromise is very important.
Hope things will work out between you and your wife. -
This is gonna be important.Originally posted by troubled_soul:Thanks for your input. Yes, I will seek professional help.
How old is your daughter?
Same word can hold different 'meaning' or 'depth' to different people... Don't let her usage of 'D' bothers you too much....
And... I think you need to relook the foundation in your relationship. Like you've mentioned, your daughter's your precious, what's your wife now to you? Have you noticed?
And your wife... Is she currently under some kinda great stress from her work..? Why not try to communicate more with her? (rather than let fights pick up the conversations?) -
By the way. With a daughter around? Divorce often only close some of your problems and lead you to other problems...
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im a 16 year old kid and my family have problems as well, my situation is very much like yours. my dad is hot tempered, and my mother is stubborn as well. my dad suggested for both of them to visit a psychologist but it did not happen in the end. the only thing holding them together is me, my lovely sister and brother. however, things are changing for them, my father has been giving into my mother over trivial matters. this saves a quarrel, which is very much advisable. at this point of time, my mother would then realise that she was wrong, and although stubborn, she knows that my father has been right all the time. therefore, they now communicate more easily. there are still some minor disagreements but they clear up quickly now. my father will only step in when my mother gets too bent on having her way which my father feels is wrong. most of the time, he is right.
this might sound abit confusing but my main point is, although it lowers your pride by having to keep on giving in to your wife, it saves the situation sometimes. by stating your point and then allowing your wife to have it her way, you leave her room for thinking about your point. instead of going head on with her. once she finds out that she is wrong, she will tend to find out the reasons why, and you being right, will definitely cross her mind. hopefully, this will open her up to having more faith in you.
I believe faith is most important in a relationship. Divorce is said to be the last resort, i believe it should never even be thought of, divorce is just like suicide, by divorcing, you are actually killing the love, faith, and trust that you both had. yes, these times are dreading and stressful. once they are over, you will be able to reap your benefits.. your fruits of labour.
i do not think you would want to deprive your child of having a happy family right? every child has a right to be with their parents and live a happy life with their family. I am not trying to be biased here, but most of the time in situations like this, men are tend to be more cool in thinking than to just jump to conclusions. i say this because my parents are living proof, posting in this forum has already shown your determination in trying to solve the problem. I respect you for not making hasty decisions, and trying to make sure that every step you take is the best solution. I wish you an everlasting and happy marriage. Hopefully this aids in solving your problem.. like it has done for my family. -
Nice to know things still seem to have a glimmer of hope.
You're spot on about the little girl.
For our little ones we can be absolutely generous because for one time in our lives, there is someone we love more than ourselves: Our children. -
Originally posted by troubled_soul:After I have forwarded Yunhaier's post to my wife through e-mail, this is what she has got to say (copy & paste, unedited):
*********************************************
Honestly, I think this is what happen right from the BGR. We are both of different personality, strong ego, easily provoked by each other weak points.
Perhaps we should attend marriage counselling and try to mend our wounds from there. If really beyond repair, then call it over.
What do you think?
*********************************************
Well, I am glad she's chosen to attend the marriage counselling sessions. I am really very glad. Thanks Yunhaier. I feel so much better now.
However, something to ponder here; which individual are of the same personality they possess? Are there? Or at least there must be a little of differences. I guess I will ask the counselor about this. Thanks everyone. You are welcome.
CloUdiSm remix states top four qualities of a relationship with 'Willingness' being one of them. She is willing to work for the marriage, so must you. To accept the idea of going for marriage counselling, is to ACKNOWLEDGE:
I) You both are imperfect; and needs the special glasses to see what's perfect in your new vision... your own relationship.
II) To accept that there are problems in the relationship and you both are WILLINGING to resolve them mutually.
III) To rekindle damage love.
IV) To practice empathy... to power to think in the other person's shoe.
V) Less individual characteristic, more mutual powers.
P.S: There are many couples in life, who can achieve alot of things this lifetime together - aim to be one of them.
Cheers