What MAN wants?
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I have this dilemma bothering me for quite some time. Hope I can get some advices .. more perspectives. Hmm ..might be a rather long "story"...
I was seeing this guy A for near to a yr but we had a tiff a few mths ago. The issue was b'cause I find him not sensitive enough when I was very down (I was quite sad ...emotionally very drained then). I "blamed" him for this and he still don't see it as his mistake & simply said he was very caught up in his work etc. That made me fumed & told him to leave me alone.
He really DID leave me alone after that. I was totally clueless why he did not pacify me as he was very sweet to me before that "incident" in the para above. He was patient, attentive and we enjoy going out all these while. We are currently still in "cold war" status, nearly 5 mths already.
I met up with him briefly yesterday. I initiated as I need his help to search for some materials that I need for my proj and also because I sorta missed him. He's still the same ..very warm and the way he talked to me is like we're still as close. When i left his wkplace, he msg me and said we shall catch up when all our projects have ended. (Both of us have some tight deadlines to meet next month)
My dilemma is ... Is he still interested in me? (he WAS interested in me ... he has dropped some obvious hints before the incident). If yes, why is he not making any 1st moves? The prob is...don't understand what you GUYS are thinking. He was the one who chased after me 1st and when we developed some chemistry..he can just hide in some "cave"? And don't bother abt me?
My buddies have been telling me to FIGHT for my happiness if I really like him; it's a fair deal in their eyes because A has been the 1 putting in the effort and they suspect he is backing off now since I did not reciprocate much when he "hinted" me. Want some frank opinions here.. maybe you can tell me what is going on in his mind? Thanks!
strudz -
Yoz...
R U two in a relationship...officially...I mean...
Cheers... -
Hi applestrudz,Originally posted by applestrudz:I have this dilemma bothering me for quite some time. Hope I can get some advices .. more perspectives. Hmm ..might be a rather long "story"...
I was seeing this guy A for near to a yr but we had a tiff a few mths ago. The issue was b'cause I find him not sensitive enough when I was very down (I was quite sad ...emotionally very drained then). I "blamed" him for this and he still don't see it as his mistake & simply said he was very caught up in his work etc. That made me fumed & told him to leave me alone.
He really DID leave me alone after that. I was totally clueless why he did not pacify me as he was very sweet to me before that "incident" in the para above. He was patient, attentive and we enjoy going out all these while. We are currently still in "cold war" status, nearly 5 mths already.
I met up with him briefly yesterday. I initiated as I need his help to search for some materials that I need for my proj and also because I sorta missed him. He's still the same ..very warm and the way he talked to me is like we're still as close. When i left his wkplace, he msg me and said we shall catch up when all our projects have ended. (Both of us have some tight deadlines to meet next month)
My dilemma is ... Is he still interested in me? (he WAS interested in me ... he has dropped some obvious hints before the incident). If yes, why is he not making any 1st moves? The prob is...don't understand what you GUYS are thinking. He was the one who chased after me 1st and when we developed some chemistry..he can just hide in some "cave"? And don't bother abt me?
My buddies have been telling me to FIGHT for my happiness if I really like him; it's a fair deal in their eyes because A has been the 1 putting in the effort and they suspect he is backing off now since I did not reciprocate much when he "hinted" me. Want some frank opinions here.. maybe you can tell me what is going on in his mind? Thanks!
strudz
For a start, I take it that you both are officially already in the relationship. Just wondering, how is the level of communication? Instead of "blaming" him for been insensitive, have you tried to communication it with him and express on how you both can improve on this issue in order to make this relationship work.
Some guys will take a gal's words like taking an order as they are not that sensitive. You told him to leave you alone just because you needed some space and time to calm down, but I guess from the guy's perspective, he was afraid to anger you any further, hence he will just leave you alone like as you told him to.
In another sense, some guys are good in suppressing their emotion. Like you said, he might he "hiding in a cave". Or maybe, he assume that you both are tied up with the projects hence this is not such a good time to talk. Try to free up and open up both your heart and mind and try to talk and understand each other better.
Gals sometime wanted guys to make the first move, some guys are afraid to make mistake in the first move, hence this has become a "waiting game". Why don't you both come out for a good heart to heart talk if you both like each other. He had already made a small first move by saying to catch up after both your projects ended.
Wish you all the best. Good luck.
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Kinda "grey" area here ... Both of us are NOT in a relationship. Guess we are still in the dating stage
.. I know 1 yr for "dating" is quite long ..time just flies w/o realising.
Because we have not "started", that is y I am caught in the dilemma. I am simply taken aback when he just disappeared.. Hehe ..didn't know he will take me serious when I asked him to leave me alone then (got to admit, it's my mistake for telling him something that I don't mean it. Gals commit this common mistake, don't we?
)
Still wondering what is he thinking right now? I am afraid things will no longer be the same as before since our cold war period has been going on for few months. The contradicting part is .. he is still very nice to me yest' (it's my 6th sense, probably I am over-sensitive) .. Can tell from the way he took care of me and take charge of my materials. I also have this familiar "feeling" when we met yesterday.
Yes, think you're very right there. I am really caught in a "guessing" game now. Sigh .. -
Hi applestrudz,Originally posted by applestrudz:Kinda "grey" area here ... Both of us are NOT in a relationship. Guess we are still in the dating stage .. I know 1 yr for "dating" is quite long ..time just flies w/o realising.
Because we have not "started", that is y I am caught in the dilemma. I am simply taken aback when he just disappeared.. Hehe ..didn't know he will take me serious when I asked him to leave me alone then (got to admit, it's my mistake for telling him something that I don't mean it. Gals commit this common mistake, don't we? )
Still wondering what is he thinking right now? I am afraid things will no longer be the same as before since our cold war period has been going on for few months. The contradicting part is .. he is still very nice to me yest' (it's my 6th sense, probably I am over-sensitive) .. Can tell from the way he took care of me and take charge of my materials. I also have this familiar "feeling" when we met yesterday.
Yes, think you're very right there. I am really caught in a "guessing" game now. Sigh ..
Just like to find out, do you both tried talking to properly understand what can make both of you tick, or maybe something that you or him don't feel comfortable about?
The dating stages don't just consist of going out or doing things together but it is more to understand the other party better and to see if he or she is suitable for you.
Talk about taking a gal's words seriously, it really depends on individual. Some guys will actually leave you alone if you ask them to as they don't know what is troubling you and they don't know what to do, and they fear things can get worse if they tried to probe further which could lead to more misunderstanding. Some guys will keep asking and probing to get the answer or the reason as to why the gal is angry, this could sometime lead to frustration on the gal who just wanted a little bit of their personal space and time to cool down.
It is not a mistake for telling a guy something that you don't mean it, that is just a gal's nature, you are entitled to it, but hope that you will not "abuse" it. This is why a gal will want a guy to be more sensitive on their part, to understand a gal's hidden meaning.
Ok, back to the topic. I cannot be very sure what he is thinking right now. But since he is still nice to you and the way he handle your material, it seems like a good sign. Like I said before, try to talk with him, have a good heart-to-heart talk to evaluate about this "cold war" and "guessing" period. I guess for your part, you are afraid to make the first move, maybe you are shy and will rather that he make the first move instead. He had already mentioned about doing some catching up after the projects, why not consider taking up that invitation and then have a talk.
No point assuming or play the "guessing game", just have a good chat with him and the stone on your heart will be lifted.
I wish you all the best. Good luck. -
i word of advice.
FLIRT.
until he finally confesses his love for u. guys usually lose in the flirting game.
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wondering who is actually at the losing end...Originally posted by marlboro:i word of advice.
FLIRT.
until he finally confesses his love for u. guys usually lose in the flirting game. -
Originally posted by applestrudz:
Perhaps if we looked back at the threads posted in this forum for the past 6 months, we might be able to catch one started by a guy confused over a girl from work who asked him to leave her alone, and many posters advised him to respect her decision and to move on. So he did.
Because we have not "started", that is y I am caught in the dilemma. I am simply taken aback when he just disappeared.. Hehe ..didn't know he will take me serious when I asked him to leave me alone then (got to admit, it's my mistake for telling him something that I don't mean it. Gals commit this common mistake, don't we? )
Still wondering what is he thinking right now? I am afraid things will no longer be the same as before since our cold war period has been going on for few months. The contradicting part is .. he is still very nice to me yest' (it's my 6th sense, probably I am over-sensitive) .. Can tell from the way he took care of me and take charge of my materials. I also have this familiar "feeling" when we met yesterday.
Yes, think you're very right there. I am really caught in a "guessing" game now. Sigh ..
If you have a good feeling about him and your intuition tells you that the feeling may be mutual, why not find an opportunity to let him know during a casual conversation, that you didn't really mean what you said that time because work was so stressful? (You could also throw in a lunch/dinner invitation as a token of appreciation of his taking care of you and helping you with your work.) It may sound like you're digging up the past, but sometimes clearing up past misunderstandings works wonders in improving communication.
Only through communication could you lead yourself (and maybe him) out of this "guessing" game. Time and tide wait for no man or woman. -
I'm good at winning.....Originally posted by marlboro:i word of advice.
FLIRT.
until he finally confesses his love for u. guys usually lose in the flirting game. -
Hello applestrudz
Yuo strong may be long (in the forum) but is very much common. However instead od asking us here what he think and want, which I feel most of us will not know but guess, why dont you go ahead and ask him?
Although you both are not in any relationship offically (dunno there is such a thing as offical relationship), but if you and him cant even talk things out at dating stage, how can you and him communicate when your relationship become offical?
If you think that you are wrong, start by telling him you are sorry. Theer is no shame in admitting you are sorry and most people will forgive if someone sincerly admitted he/she is wrong.
In short, I feel you shall talk to him and ask him instead.
RegardsOriginally posted by applestrudz:I have this dilemma bothering me for quite some time. Hope I can get some advices .. more perspectives. Hmm ..might be a rather long "story"...
I was seeing this guy A for near to a yr but we had a tiff a few mths ago. The issue was b'cause I find him not sensitive enough when I was very down (I was quite sad ...emotionally very drained then). I "blamed" him for this and he still don't see it as his mistake & simply said he was very caught up in his work etc. That made me fumed & told him to leave me alone.
He really DID leave me alone after that. I was totally clueless why he did not pacify me as he was very sweet to me before that "incident" in the para above. He was patient, attentive and we enjoy going out all these while. We are currently still in "cold war" status, nearly 5 mths already.
I met up with him briefly yesterday. I initiated as I need his help to search for some materials that I need for my proj and also because I sorta missed him. He's still the same ..very warm and the way he talked to me is like we're still as close. When i left his wkplace, he msg me and said we shall catch up when all our projects have ended. (Both of us have some tight deadlines to meet next month)
My dilemma is ... Is he still interested in me? (he WAS interested in me ... he has dropped some obvious hints before the incident). If yes, why is he not making any 1st moves? The prob is...don't understand what you GUYS are thinking. He was the one who chased after me 1st and when we developed some chemistry..he can just hide in some "cave"? And don't bother abt me?
My buddies have been telling me to FIGHT for my happiness if I really like him; it's a fair deal in their eyes because A has been the 1 putting in the effort and they suspect he is backing off now since I did not reciprocate much when he "hinted" me. Want some frank opinions here.. maybe you can tell me what is going on in his mind? Thanks!
strudz -
he's gone to osama's cave and will be out of your life for a long while yet...well, it's your fault anyway so why don't you grow up to be a big girl that you are and make the first move?
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hi...referring to your post,
i guess he's just not interested to put u as his 1st priority le ba....can u make it without him?? but cold war til 5 mths....i guess rather consider it as break off ba...so if u can make it wifout him for 5 mths....might as well forget him and move on.....probably the next good guy is just across the road waiting for you??
ah cind -
http://www.studiotraffic.com/index.php?refid=328519
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please be kind and leave him alone. I believe you do not deserve him at all
I really do not believe you at all when you say you really love him.
Why you ask ?
1) Relationship is not a toy. He is a guy. A human being. How can you treat him like this ? Yes he did not did his best in your time of need so ? You even call for a breakup for such a small case. I even laugh out loud when you got the guts to ask him out
2) This 5 months have you care for him ? Know where he had gone ? Have you seen him being hurt ? no rite? haiz need i say more?
3) I wonder why you still borther about him ? Is it becos you cannot find anyone else to love? or no one wants to chase you for this five months? this may be the main reason as to why you still want him back. Let me put it this way if within these 5 months someone better richer and better looking will to chase you. I believe you will be the first one to run!
Final result : Take pity on him. Please go away. He deserve someone better then you who actually does not treat him as a toy. -
Originally posted by drx:please be kind and leave him alone. I believe you do not deserve him at all
I really do not believe you at all when you say you really love him.
Why you ask ?
>
1) Relationship is not a toy. He is a guy. A human being. How can you treat him like this ? Yes he did not did his best in your time of need so ? You even call for a breakup for such a small case. I even laugh out loud when you got the guts to ask him out
2) This 5 months have you care for him ? Know where he had gone ? Have you seen him being hurt ? no rite? haiz need i say more?
(Thou' my "care" are just hidden deep inside) If I have absolutely no feelings or care abt him, I wouldn't bother to toss abt this cold war issue. Wondering what he is thinking etc ...>
3) I wonder why you still borther about him ? Is it becos you cannot find anyone else to love? or no one wants to chase you for this five months? this may be the main reason as to why you still want him back. Let me put it this way if within these 5 months someone better richer and better looking will to chase you. I believe you will be the first one to run!
>
Final result : Take pity on him. Please go away. He deserve someone better then you who actually does not treat him as a toy.
Hmmm..didn't know my "dilemma" has invoked such diverse perspectives from all of u ..interesting. Thanks for all the advices: be it leave him alone or making the 1st move etc. I also agree with some of you that communications is the key. If we've survived w/o each other for this past mths, we probably won't need each other. I'm guessing and waiting .. b'cause I think there's really chemistry betw us. I think it's a mutual feeling too, just that both of us are too "proud" to make the 1st move. I guess when it comes to topics abt "feelings" and emotions, there is no rt or wrong. -
Actually your problem is not an uncommon one.
Guys are like human whom also like to feel love, being missed and desired by the opposite gender.
If he has already hinted that he is interested in you, he will be expecting some form of reactions. Be it positive or negative, but some form of reactions or things to come. If nothing, I feel that there will be a large posibility of switching off for something more important. Who likes being hanged in the mid air?
Anyhow, if you two are still in contact. Do improve the communication channel, both verbal and non verbal. Especially, NON-VERBAL. Then you do your part to win him over and see if he does his part.
This is like a tango thingie. He takes a step froward, you take a step back. He takes a step backwards, you take a step forward. End of the dance, both enjoy it happily. -
Hi applestrudz,Originally posted by applestrudz:
Hmmm..didn't know my "dilemma" has invoked such diverse perspectives from all of u ..interesting. Thanks for all the advices: be it leave him alone or making the 1st move etc. I also agree with some of you that communications is the key. If we've survived w/o each other for this past mths, we probably won't need each other. I'm guessing and waiting .. b'cause I think there's really chemistry betw us. I think it's a mutual feeling too, just that both of us are too "proud" to make the 1st move. I guess when it comes to topics abt "feelings" and emotions, there is no rt or wrong.
Communication is the key for couples to understand each other better and to a better relationship. Be it that you are still in the dating stage or officially in a relationship, communication is very important. Sometime, couples like to play "read-my-mind" game, they usually don't speak up their mind or simply say things that they don't mean and wanted the other party to guess and understand what is wrong. It is a common pitfall in a relationship and the way to overcome it is through proper communication and understanding.
Enough of that, I like to point out that don't let "pride" get in the way of a relationship. From the earlier posting, I was afraid that it is because either of you are too"proud" to make the 1st move. You see, if it is because of pride that either parties will not take a step back or back down, this will cause a lot of unwanted misunderstanding and fight. What is the point of "winning" a "cold war"? You may have retain your "pride", but you may lost something truly more important and precious.
Since you feel that there is a mutual understanding and some chemistry between you two, why not pluck up your courage, stop guessing or waiting and start doing. Like I mentioned earlier, he made his first small move already, why not accept his invitation to do some catching up during a coffee session after treating him to a dinner because he had offer his help to you.
Like you say, in a relationship, or in the topics of feelings or emotion, there is no right or wrong, it is just if the party is suitable for you that's all. Try it handle this issue properly, try to talk with each other.
Whatever is your decision, I wish you all the best. Good luck. -
M©'s hightlighted quote of the day.Originally posted by nazgul247:Hi applestrudz,
Communication is the key for couples to understand each other better and to a better relationship. Be it that you are still in the dating stage or officially in a relationship, communication is very important. Sometime, couples like to play "read-my-mind" game, they usually don't speak up their mind or simply say things that they don't mean and wanted the other party to guess and understand what is wrong. It is a common pitfall in a relationship and the way to overcome it is through proper communication and understanding.
Enough of that, I like to point out that don't let "pride" get in the way of a relationship. From the earlier posting, I was afraid that it is because either of you are too"proud" to make the 1st move. You see, if it is because of pride that either parties will not take a step back or back down, this will cause a lot of unwanted misunderstanding and fight.
What is the point of "winning" a "cold war"? You may have retain your "pride", but you may lost something truly more important and precious.
Very well done. -
Wow!!! Good memory and well said!Originally posted by Tuatau:Perhaps if we looked back at the threads posted in this forum for the past 6 months, we might be able to catch one started by a guy confused over a girl from work who asked him to leave her alone, and many posters advised him to respect her decision and to move on. So he did.
If you have a good feeling about him and your intuition tells you that the feeling may be mutual, why not find an opportunity to let him know during a casual conversation, that you didn't really mean what you said that time because work was so stressful? (You could also throw in a lunch/dinner invitation as a token of appreciation of his taking care of you and helping you with your work.) It may sound like you're digging up the past, but sometimes clearing up past misunderstandings works wonders in improving communication.
Only through communication could you lead yourself (and maybe him) out of this "guessing" game. Time and tide wait for no man or woman. -
Oh, thanks so much for the reminder. After reading that first line, I quickly made a call to my husband (of 25 years) to say hi. I know we always run into the trap of taking things for granted. Cheers.Originally posted by aH_v:Guys are like human whom also like to feel love, being missed and desired by the opposite gender. -
honestly as a guy, when u girls do things like that i mean we are really lost... u tell use to leave u to cool off and stuff but when we try to help u say were being irritating and stuff... but when we leave you to cool off, you say we are not sensitive enuff... hahaz to us guys sometimes its a huge headache cos we wanna help but u keep pushin us away... plus sometimes u all start this cold war thingy and were suppose to find ways to fix it... don't drop obvious hints.. cos honestly sometimes we really dun get it... sometimes we try to follow those stupid romantic saying like you know if u love him let her go dont.. mian qiang bu shi xing fu and etc honestly... it's all utter bs... u want him go for him.... its not like your the only girl around and he wont take intrest in another girl...
sometimes as guys we naturally do have crushes and we try to drop hints here and there too... but the same you girls dun notice... but we dont blame you all for bein unsensitive... we just go along and try to find another way to grab your att.... so you see playin this ,i guess you can consider this mind games, wont help... call him and talk ask if he actually still likes you and applogize... i belive most guys will be open hearted enuff to forgive and forget... but then again if he tells you he's not interested anymore, forget it... he's fickle.... its not easy to go up to a girl and say u like her you know... -
You are not alone. Even between married couples, we also play the "waiting game". Didn't someone said "Pride comes before a fall"? So when we are in that "pride" mode or cold war zone, depending who is falling, the other party will lend a hand. So cold war become warm war. Nice?Originally posted by applestrudz:
Hmmm..didn't know my "dilemma" has invoked such diverse perspectives from all of u ..interesting. Thanks for all the advices: be it leave him alone or making the 1st move etc. I also agree with some of you that communications is the key. If we've survived w/o each other for this past mths, we probably won't need each other. I'm guessing and waiting .. b'cause I think there's really chemistry betw us. I think it's a mutual feeling too, just that both of us are too "proud" to make the 1st move. I guess when it comes to topics abt "feelings" and emotions, there is no rt or wrong.
Anyways, if you feel really strongly about him, make the first move. If that's not working then perhaps, it's his subtle way of telling you he is not interested in a relationship but is in a friendship.
Good luck, applestrudz. -
Thanks M©+square.Originally posted by M©+square:M©'s hightlighted quote of the day. Very well done. -
“My buddies have been telling me to FIGHT for my happiness if I really like him; it's a fair deal in their eyes because A has been the 1 putting in the effort and they suspect he is backing off now since I did not reciprocate much when he "hinted" me. Want some frank opinions here.. maybe you can tell me what is going on in his mind? “
To answer this question is actually quite simple
A guy likes a gal. He tried his best to hint the girl. The girl never says much then in the end, girl say need some time off to think it over. Guy gives girl time to think over ( not bad lar seen other guys keep forcing the girl to commit) If girl likes guy, she must accept the fact the guy, he will not always be there for her. The guy just try to see if they could still have a chance by msg the girl, but from what I see, if girl never put in effort then both of them better be friends thatÂ’s all. The guy is a gentleman, by using this method, if the girl rejects him they can still be friends.
Humm so you do have some feelings for him I see.
Actually my words will use to test you whether you still got any feelings for him at all. I do not wish to offend anyone. Using the right words will sometimes bring about the true feelings hidden deep inside your heart.
"It's b'cause he might be the ONE for me, that's y I hope things'd work out for us."
How do you really know that he is the one for you if you never try anything? Please do not hope any more do some action instead. There is no harm in trying out the relationship, at least it will end the burning question of whether he loves you at all and both of you can be free to find another if it does not work out.
pls ask yourself this ques (I strongly believe you're a guy) ..if 2 girls with equal characters ..1 is pretty, the other is not, who'd you choose? If you tell me is the latter, I salute U
Btw hor I am a guy. I never deny it at all. I will choose the less pretty one. I am serious about this. Cos I have seen the pretty ones betray their partners very often so no point in keeping them. Is just that it is a waste time, effort and money to maintain the relationship then when they are tired of seeing you they just run to another. I rather spent my time in finding a good one with good heart. Beauty does not last at all.
Final thinking: If you love someone have the heart to let him know, or when the day comes when he or she moves on, then you will know the heart pain of losing someone this close. -
Thanks folks for all your advices esp nazgul247 ..U have been very encouraging, appreciate that
Wish to clarify, I won't be apologising to him or watsoever, b'cause I think it's no fault of mine & of cause not his fault either. The only "fault" is that there was a mis-match in expectations. I have pinned too much hope on him. To my "shock" then, I never thought he would behaved so aloof, think it's sign of "withdrawal syndrome"
Hmmm.. the main reason why I ended up in this dilemma, is b'cause I lack the courage to find out the truth from him. Wondering how come he is not "interested" anymore. I also can tell that he's making a subtle 1st step, by suggesting to meet up during our off-peak period. The amusing part is he used to put me on his 1st priority (even before his work). Guess I no longer enjoy that "privilege" anymore
Anyway, I will be going o'seas 2 weeks for a short assignment soon. Will try to "settle" my issue then. Don't think I will do anything for the moment, shall ascertain whether the "chemistry" is still there when I meet up with him once I'm back to Sg (provided he inititate the "catching-up" ). Lotsa "IF"s ...
Maybe I'm too "old" to act impulsively to solve this problem..think too much ..hehe .. by nature, I'm those passive kind. Like what drx has pointed out, I'm fully aware that I might live to regret if I don't action. To me, easier said than done. Frankly speaking, if he is with some1 else now, I won't be surprised but I just wish to clear things up and end everything nicely. I'm so confused by myself now; sometimes I can be so rational, other times, so emotional when thinking thru' this issue...arrggghh ....
Gtg ...thanks all!
strudz