What MAN wants?
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Hi Applestrudz,
You are very most welcome. Just like to offer my advices and help to those in need.
Like I mentioned before, in a relationship or on issues of emotion or feelings, there is no right or wrong, so there is no "fault" on either sides, it is just an issue of suitability between 2 parties. However, I just like to clarify that there may be some issues in a relationship that people will classified under the "right or wrong" category, but that may be off the topic.
Since there is no "fault" on both sides, so as a man, he wouldn't be expecting any apologies from you and you should be open-minded and with an open heart not expect an apology from him. Like you said, the only "fault" is that there was a mis-match in expectations. In my view, the "faults" also include miscommunication and also misunderstanding.
On the topic of expectation, I like to point out one thing. You see, there are many levels of friendship and people tends to have different expectation for each level. When a person ask his/her friend to do something, if this friend could not fulfil the task, the person in turn will NOT feel disappointed because the level of expectation is not there. However, for a special or close friend, when he/she could not complete the task, we will be quite disappointed because of the level of expectation set there. So goes the saying, the higher the expectation, the harder the fall.
Expectation and anticipation can be common pitfalls in a relationship, however, it is also because of these 2 factors that make a relationship interesting and motivating. The key is in not setting too high or too low a standard but just right. It is also because of expectation that we can understand better of one's ablility and limitation and accept that person truly as who he/she is.
Enough of that, back to the topic. Like I say, don't anticipate too much, maybe you are still his 1st priority but he is just suppressing his emotion and masking it up with his work. Or maybe he had to prioritize his work due to a coming deadline. You are still enjoying that "privilege" because didn't he did a good job with your materials when you ask for his help.
Since you are going overseas, use that as an opportunity to give him a treat, say as to thank him for his help with your materials and after that, go for a coffee session to do some catching up which he had suggested earlier. Like-wise, you can do some catching-up after your return so that you can share your overseas trip experience with him.
As you mentioned in your last post, you are those passive type, that can explain quite a lot of things as you are those "bei dong" or those who will be move. For the active type, they are the "zhu dong" or those who will make the move. So that can explain why you are not making the first move. However, there is no harm in making the first move. Don't think or anticipate too much, take one step at a time. He had already make a first small move, now, you should see when the opportunity comes and make the next move.
Don't be confuse, rationale is your mind telling you the decision to be made, emotional is your heart telling you what you want to do. Be bold, pluck up your courage, I believe a lot of your friends and even family members will stand behind you to give you the support.
Whatever is your decision or move, I wish you all the very best. Good luck
PS : Sorry for such a long post. I will be overseas for a week prior returning to the homeland, so, just like to offer what I can. I wish you the best of luck. Good luck. -
your not alone manz.... how many million of lonley souls out there are in heart break cos they lack of courage.... ALOTZ... even i oso dare not tell the one i like how i feel.... now what happen? she goin out wif my best friend...Originally posted by applestrudz:Thanks folks for all your advices esp nazgul247 ..U have been very encouraging, appreciate that
Wish to clarify, I won't be apologising to him or watsoever, b'cause I think it's no fault of mine & of cause not his fault either. The only "fault" is that there was a mis-match in expectations. I have pinned too much hope on him. To my "shock" then, I never thought he would behaved so aloof, think it's sign of "withdrawal syndrome"
Hmmm.. the main reason why I ended up in this dilemma, is b'cause I lack the courage to find out the truth from him. Wondering how come he is not "interested" anymore. I also can tell that he's making a subtle 1st step, by suggesting to meet up during our off-peak period. The amusing part is he used to put me on his 1st priority (even before his work). Guess I no longer enjoy that "privilege" anymore
Anyway, I will be going o'seas 2 weeks for a short assignment soon. Will try to "settle" my issue then. Don't think I will do anything for the moment, shall ascertain whether the "chemistry" is still there when I meet up with him once I'm back to Sg (provided he inititate the "catching-up" ). Lotsa "IF"s ...
Maybe I'm too "old" to act impulsively to solve this problem..think too much ..hehe .. by nature, I'm those passive kind. Like what drx has pointed out, I'm fully aware that I might live to regret if I don't action. To me, easier said than done. Frankly speaking, if he is with some1 else now, I won't be surprised but I just wish to clear things up and end everything nicely. I'm so confused by myself now; sometimes I can be so rational, other times, so emotional when thinking thru' this issue...arrggghh ....
Gtg ...thanks all!
strudz
heart damn pain when see them together.... -
I won't be surprised but I just wish to clear things up and end everything nicely. I'm so confused by myself now; sometimes I can be so rational, other times, so emotional when thinking thru' this issue...arrggghh ...
I was face with this problem too. Me being a guy will try to test a girl if she is interested in me without her knowing. Most of the time I ask friend to help. Once I confirmed that she is not interested in me. I will slowly let go. I was in the same case as you, very confuse as I love her so much that, I am really willing to give up everything just to be there by her side. On the other hand want to be rational and let her go for the one she really likes. We are only humans we have feelings too.
Haiz wat to do. Yes I have even gone to the extend to help the one I loved, through her love life ,marriage and then children, but the lucky guy is not me sad to say. It pains me a lot as I could not tell anyone I love her so much but could only be her guiding star and be there when she needed someone. The only happiness I could calm myself is that she is now happily married with the one she is love. Guys are not allowed to shed tears no matter what happen, as we can only feel the pain in our hearts and most of the time no one will know about it. I really envy girls alot as they can cry and let the feelings out.
P.S. To the girl I love, I wish you all the best in your life. You may not know that I love you but there is always a place in my heart for you no matter what happens. I can only confess here as no one knows who I am and the truth will destory everything, I work so hard for you. To me, loving you means everything to me. thks for giving me this chance to take care of you from afar. -
Move on.Originally posted by drx:I won't be surprised but I just wish to clear things up and end everything nicely. I'm so confused by myself now; sometimes I can be so rational, other times, so emotional when thinking thru' this issue...arrggghh ...
I was face with this problem too. Me being a guy will try to test a girl if she is interested in me without her knowing. Most of the time I ask friend to help. Once I confirmed that she is not interested in me. I will slowly let go. I was in the same case as you, very confuse as I love her so much that, I am really willing to give up everything just to be there by her side. On the other hand want to be rational and let her go for the one she really likes. We are only humans we have feelings too.
Haiz wat to do. Yes I have even gone to the extend to help the one I loved, through her love life ,marriage and then children, but the lucky guy is not me sad to say. It pains me a lot as I could not tell anyone I love her so much but could only be her guiding star and be there when she needed someone. The only happiness I could calm myself is that she is now happily married with the one she is love. Guys are not allowed to shed tears no matter what happen, as we can only feel the pain in our hearts and most of the time no one will know about it. I really envy girls alot as they can cry and let the feelings out.
P.S. To the girl I love, I wish you all the best in your life. You may not know that I love you but there is always a place in my heart for you no matter what happens. I can only confess here as no one knows who I am and the truth will destory everything, I work so hard for you. To me, loving you means everything to me. thks for giving me this chance to take care of you from afar. -
understand ur pain.... but wah u help them untill they got married and have kids!? woah that one really hao wei da....Originally posted by drx:I won't be surprised but I just wish to clear things up and end everything nicely. I'm so confused by myself now; sometimes I can be so rational, other times, so emotional when thinking thru' this issue...arrggghh ...
I was face with this problem too. Me being a guy will try to test a girl if she is interested in me without her knowing. Most of the time I ask friend to help. Once I confirmed that she is not interested in me. I will slowly let go. I was in the same case as you, very confuse as I love her so much that, I am really willing to give up everything just to be there by her side. On the other hand want to be rational and let her go for the one she really likes. We are only humans we have feelings too.
Haiz wat to do. Yes I have even gone to the extend to help the one I loved, through her love life ,marriage and then children, but the lucky guy is not me sad to say. It pains me a lot as I could not tell anyone I love her so much but could only be her guiding star and be there when she needed someone. The only happiness I could calm myself is that she is now happily married with the one she is love. Guys are not allowed to shed tears no matter what happen, as we can only feel the pain in our hearts and most of the time no one will know about it. I really envy girls alot as they can cry and let the feelings out.
P.S. To the girl I love, I wish you all the best in your life. You may not know that I love you but there is always a place in my heart for you no matter what happens. I can only confess here as no one knows who I am and the truth will destory everything, I work so hard for you. To me, loving you means everything to me. thks for giving me this chance to take care of you from afar. -
tks guys
the things i say really happen.
is up to you to decide whether you want to hate her for not loving you or
giving love and care for her even when you know she never love you.
My belief in true love, is that one must give unconditionaly to the ones you love without expecting anything in return. -
Hi guys,Originally posted by drx:tks guys
the things i say really happen.
is up to you to decide whether you want to hate her for not loving you or
giving love and care for her even when you know she never love you.
My belief in true love, is that one must give unconditionaly to the ones you love without expecting anything in return.
Just got back from my trip. I happen to see what drx posted, I do agree with what he say, true love is for one to give unconditionaly to the ones he/she love without expecting anything in return.
Sometime, it is hard and hurting to see the one you love with another man/woman and the worse thing is that you can't express your true feeling to him/her. But true love is also to see happiness in the one you love. I guess there is not much you can do when you see him/her finding happiness with another man/woman except to wish them all the best for their relationship and hope that he/she will be happy and blissful always. -
Dear AppleStrudz,
Sorry if I sound pretty harsh, but I'm going to speak very plainly, in the hope that my advice might help you.
1. From the looks of it, both of you were Not together if you have to ask if he's still interested in you. How then, can you expect him to act like you're the centre of his universe? Even friends can't be there for you all the time, neither can family. Each & every person has his/her own needs sometimes that he has to place above others.
2. Even if you 2 did get together, it's unrealistic to expect your guy to place you 1st all the time. Sometimes, he'll have to put himself 1st. For e.g. if he was to bring home the bacon, how is he gonna be beside you 24-7?
3. Your expectations of being the centre of his universe, such that he has to drop everything to be beside you when you were "emotionally drained" & worse, your accusations of him Not being there for you during that period of time might have sent him running. You're Not his wife!
In short, we'll all be disappointed 1 time or another. If he was your bf, perhaps it would've been more comprehensible to him that you're upset he wasn't there for you. But you weren't officially together with him. So how do you expect him to be there for you? Would you always be there for him?
Regards,
FeowFeowOriginally posted by applestrudz:I have this dilemma bothering me for quite some time. Hope I can get some advices .. more perspectives. Hmm ..might be a rather long "story"...
I was seeing this guy A for near to a yr but we had a tiff a few mths ago. The issue was b'cause I find him not sensitive enough when I was very down (I was quite sad ...emotionally very drained then). I "blamed" him for this and he still don't see it as his mistake & simply said he was very caught up in his work etc. That made me fumed & told him to leave me alone.
He really DID leave me alone after that. I was totally clueless why he did not pacify me as he was very sweet to me before that "incident" in the para above. He was patient, attentive and we enjoy going out all these while. We are currently still in "cold war" status, nearly 5 mths already.
I met up with him briefly yesterday. I initiated as I need his help to search for some materials that I need for my proj and also because I sorta missed him. He's still the same ..very warm and the way he talked to me is like we're still as close. When i left his wkplace, he msg me and said we shall catch up when all our projects have ended. (Both of us have some tight deadlines to meet next month)
My dilemma is ... Is he still interested in me? (he WAS interested in me ... he has dropped some obvious hints before the incident). If yes, why is he not making any 1st moves? The prob is...don't understand what you GUYS are thinking. He was the one who chased after me 1st and when we developed some chemistry..he can just hide in some "cave"? And don't bother abt me?
My buddies have been telling me to FIGHT for my happiness if I really like him; it's a fair deal in their eyes because A has been the 1 putting in the effort and they suspect he is backing off now since I did not reciprocate much when he "hinted" me. Want some frank opinions here.. maybe you can tell me what is going on in his mind? Thanks!
strudz -
FeowFeow> U're right. We are not a couple yet. My mistake was to blindly assume alot of things on my end which is actually quite unfair to him.
I've learnt to better manage my expectations of this "special friend" of mine. I guess we've advanced too fast at the earlier stage and drifted due to both our wk commitment. Hence, mis-match in perceptions.
Just a quick update. We managed to catch up and have a talk thou' it's not a very "detailed" conversation b'cos we have sorta decided to "bury" all the unhappiness. He admitted he was wrong as he played a major part in this cold war thingy (we agree this issue arises b'cos both of us are too proud). Hehe..I playfully demanded some sorta "emotional compensation" and he gallantly compromised ..this comp package is a secret deal betw the 2 of us
Nobody knows what will happen in the future .. for now, we are letting nature takes it course. It sure feels good to clear things up even thou' we still don't meet regularly as compared to the past. I can sense he is trying to "warm" his engine and I shall match his pace this time
strudz -
hais.. got nothing to advice u, just feel tt ur situation is so similar to me.
he says those really nice things, made plan for future, all the promises.. but when i hinted tt i wanted to take a step further, he start avoiding me... so in the end, nothing happened...
hope ur ending will be diff from me... wish tt u have a happy ending...
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Hi Applestrudz,Originally posted by applestrudz:FeowFeow> U're right. We are not a couple yet. My mistake was to blindly assume alot of things on my end which is actually quite unfair to him.
I've learnt to better manage my expectations of this "special friend" of mine. I guess we've advanced too fast at the earlier stage and drifted due to both our wk commitment. Hence, mis-match in perceptions.
Just a quick update. We managed to catch up and have a talk thou' it's not a very "detailed" conversation b'cos we have sorta decided to "bury" all the unhappiness. He admitted he was wrong as he played a major part in this cold war thingy (we agree this issue arises b'cos both of us are too proud). Hehe..I playfully demanded some sorta "emotional compensation" and he gallantly compromised ..this comp package is a secret deal betw the 2 of us
Nobody knows what will happen in the future .. for now, we are letting nature takes it course. It sure feels good to clear things up even thou' we still don't meet regularly as compared to the past. I can sense he is trying to "warm" his engine and I shall match his pace this time
strudz
Great to hear from you. I see that you are slowly making some progress. The catching up session is a good start. Hope that things will take off from there. The main thing is to "bury" the past and move on.
However, I must caution you again about letting pride get in the way. It is a very common pitfall in a relationship. When we keep our head high in pride, we usually miss out those details that are wrong inside us. People usually are to proud to admit their own mistakes and undoings. It is all because we tend to relate mistakes with failures. Like I say before, winning a "cold war" is pointless, all you retain is that bit of pride but what you truly loss sometime cannot be measure in terms of value.
Hope that you both will learn to compromise and make some good progress. Take one step at a time, believe in yourself. No one can be certain of the future, however, learn to treasure every minute and moment, no matter is it happy or sad, joy or sorrow, because the moment past is irreversible and you can't re-live that minute.
I wish you all the best. Good luck.
Regards
nazgul247