I wish I'm single again, I could turn back time...
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i'm 33...got married when i was 27 and my husband is two years younger than me, it seems like he taking things so relax like nothing happen as if he's single you know, once he reaches home he will not step out and visit his parents or my parents, but he can still go out window shopping alone or with me(once a while) or buy some stuff for himself you see..Originally posted by Gun:may i know how old r u ? -
My present issue sometimes I dont know what to do, I've arranged for an appointment for counselling but I feel uncomfortable talking to them because they're not related to me that I didn't go at all.Originally posted by M©+square:I wouldn't encourage using this method.
Generally, male will feel threatened when confronted by familiy issues. It invokes questioning of ability and ego. Which in this case, her husband doesn't even care.
Taking this into consideration, expressing emotions and concern is a bad move. It will make matters on her side worse; namely - No support from husband and family members.
Have you ever experienced listening to burdens which you didn't feel like carrying, being a part in it? Responsibility and mindset of oneself affect crucial responses.
Suggestion:::
The ball is in her court. TThe burden is hers.
McKenzy should go to a Family Welfare Association/Centre.
Call up hotline and seek help on how to deal with firstly SELF.
Once McKenzy can settle down and think clearly, she'll realise the problem is not with her family. (those are existing issues which happened even before marriage)
Her main issue is now to solve her immediate need.
Work and Financial income.
Thereafter she can slowly work towards building or leaving the family.
Till when McKenzy's husband needs help, he will automatically seek her for solution.
That's when she could set her condition on her advantage.
Question is:
Is she willing to look at the present issue, tackle at hand.
Is she looking too much at her husband, family - thought they are the source of the problem.
What was the age when they got married?
Cheers
The things that bothers me all the time is my inlaw, she always look for my husband as if he's not married and futhermore she will not listen to me but only to my husband. I thought I can get along well with her in the first place but things doesnt workout well, she's so so conservative and very unappreciative and very selfish and very uncooperative and not understanding you see, so no matter how hard I try to please her it's not easy and she always talk about money money money whenever we or I myself visits her or talk to her on the phone.
And the probs. with my husband, he really don't like to visit my parents and so I'm the only one who is visiting them and of course my parents will nag and ask about him all the time and I was like duhh.. don't know what to say already. And he thinks he can afford to pay all his mother's bill but in the end we all suffer, he's not rich and he cant even give me the financial support properly..
I thought if he's married to me he supposed to settle our problems, our problem comes first.. but now since his mom always call him up and ask for this and that it's like she's trying to snatch him away from me...
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Hello mckenzy
I can understand why you feel this way. I was once like that too.
If you do try anything, you will find out most method wont work for you. I trully agree that you have pressurize yourself too much. I will like to suggest that first you relax or destress yourself before you do anything.
Anyway if you do have any question or just need a listening ear, I will be glad to help. You can PM me directly.
RegardsOriginally posted by mckenzy:There's so many problems in my life
my husband
my inlaw
my family
my parents
and myself
i wish i could turn back time and remain single or be single again, and why??
i cant stand my husband - because his ego is so high, he thought he can settle all his mother's problem and our problem but in the end all suffers
i cant stand my inlaw - because she always look for or depend on my husband but not her other son who is still single with no commitments and her husband who dont really bothers about her problems and our problems and she refused to listen to me at all
i cant stand my family - because most of them go on their separate ways after married and never visit my parents at all
i cant stand my parents - because they were too demanding
i cant stand myself i hate myself may be because i married the wrong man of my life, i wish i could turn back time and be single or become single again............. -
HahahahahahahhaDIng Shan ben....Originally posted by Nolvadex:u sounds like ding's wife ? We have a member here who sounds like your hudband -
Hmm... Go for the family counseling, mckenzy... It'll probably do all of you much good...?
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One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him
or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
- Judith Viorst
mckenzy, your post seemed to indicate that you have an unhappy marriage. Hate to break it to you, but it is not your marriage that is unhappy, it is you that is unhappy.
Don't take it personally, but why do you think most posters here advised you to go for counselling? That's right -- the problem lies in you. I'm not defending your husband, your mother-in-law, your parents and family for not helping you, but you've got to help yourself first before any of them can help you.
You already knew what your husband is like before marriage and that he is a filial son who would not turn his back on his family if they needed him. You already knew what your mother-in-law is like before marriage and that she depended heavily on him for financial support. Yet despite knowing all that, you still chose to marry him. Now after marriage, you complain. This may sound harsh, but did you really expect things to change and only revolve around you after marriage?
Your husband may appear to have neglected you, he may appear less loving than before marriage. He loved you enough to marry you, and from the way things stand, he still loves you -- that is why he avoided it every time divorce was brought up. Seriously you don't expect him to focus on you now as intensely as he did before marriage, do you? If so, then maybe it's time to wake up and smell the roses. There is no such man in the world who could ever shower a wife as much time and attention after marriage as he spent before while courting her. And that is not how a healthy marriage should work.
Understand that his diminished attention to you does not imply that he loves you less. And now instead of offering to share the burden of his troubles, you simply unload your problems on top of his and grumble he is not solving them for you. Is that what a wife in a happy marriage would do?
I may not get the full picture of your marriage, so this may not really hit the nail on the head. Nevertheless, I do believe if you put in a little effort to change your attitude and expectations, spend a little more time to understand and a little less to complain, maybe you'd find that your marriage is still worth fighting for and you are still the same girl worthy of your husband's love as she was years ago. -
Heard pple say before Marriage is like getting on a crowded bus .. those who are on it wants to get down .. those outside..are trying their best to get on .. In the end , we all have to move on ...
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Originally posted by Tuatau:One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him
or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
- Judith Viorst
mckenzy, your post seemed to indicate that you have an unhappy marriage. Hate to break it to you, but it is not your marriage that is unhappy, it is you that is unhappy.
Don't take it personally, but why do you think most posters here advised you to go for counselling? That's right -- the problem lies in you. I'm not defending your husband, your mother-in-law, your parents and family for not helping you, but you've got to help yourself first before any of them can help you.
You already knew what your husband is like before marriage and that he is a filial son who would not turn his back on his family if they needed him. You already knew what your mother-in-law is like before marriage and that she depended heavily on him for financial support. Yet despite knowing all that, you still chose to marry him. Now after marriage, you complain. This may sound harsh, but did you really expect things to change and only revolve around you after marriage?
Your husband may appear to have neglected you, he may appear less loving than before marriage. He loved you enough to marry you, and from the way things stand, he still loves you -- that is why he avoided it every time divorce was brought up. Seriously you don't expect him to focus on you now as intensely as he did before marriage, do you? If so, then maybe it's time to wake up and smell the roses. There is no such man in the world who could ever shower a wife as much time and attention after marriage as he spent before while courting her. And that is not how a healthy marriage should work.
Understand that his diminished attention to you does not imply that he loves you less. And now instead of offering to share the burden of his troubles, you simply unload your problems on top of his and grumble he is not solving them for you. Is that what a wife in a happy marriage would do?
I may not get the full picture of your marriage, so this may not really hit the nail on the head. Nevertheless, I do believe if you put in a little effort to change your attitude and expectations, spend a little more time to understand and a little less to complain, maybe you'd find that your marriage is still worth fighting for and you are still the same girl worthy of your husband's love as she was years ago.
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Well I'm not saying the problem lies with you..I'm sure it doesn't just take one person to cause a problem..it takes two or even more.
But I suggest you really should go talk to someone professional. Not only will you feel much better after talking, you might get some insight on how to solve your problems.
After you have a clearer view on the situation you're in, you might not be so frustrated at the people around you. And also, you would be able to pinpoint the areas they might have done wrong. In doing so, you can do something to rectify it.
I think that by then you will have the confidence to talk to your husband or family members or inlaws without getting discouraged easily. You will also be able to speak better because you know what to say and what you want to do. If everything goes well, you could persuade them to go to family counselling.
Try every way to salvage the whole thing. You can do it.
If you feel too emotionally drained out now, go for a short holiday or break first..then tackle the problem.
Divorce is only the last resort.
Good luck.. (: -
if u r thinking of divorce then u shouldnt marry in the first place. No one can force u to do something if u r not willing to.
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Dat's life....no 2nd chance de!
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Don't nag at your husband cos he is filial. Let him handle his mum.
Don't get so uptight over your inlaws.
Talk to him abt finances.
Have your own separate a/c. if u are unhappy that he is using all your money to give to his mum.
Tell him that he should only help if he has the means.
Confide in him your fears abt being jobless & not saving enough.
Compromise with him abt visiting your parents. Make it a weekly affair to visit both sides to be fair.
Choose a good time to have a talk with him. -
Knowing him for so long doesnt mean that i will know him better and it's the same goes to some couples out there. We were not prepared to get married in the first place but it's our parents who decides for us to get married, we respect them you see.Originally posted by Tuatau:One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him
or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
- Judith Viorst
mckenzy, your post seemed to indicate that you have an unhappy marriage. Hate to break it to you, but it is not your marriage that is unhappy, it is you that is unhappy.
Don't take it personally, but why do you think most posters here advised you to go for counselling? That's right -- the problem lies in you. I'm not defending your husband, your mother-in-law, your parents and family for not helping you, but you've got to help yourself first before any of them can help you.
You already knew what your husband is like before marriage and that he is a filial son who would not turn his back on his family if they needed him. You already knew what your mother-in-law is like before marriage and that she depended heavily on him for financial support. Yet despite knowing all that, you still chose to marry him. Now after marriage, you complain. This may sound harsh, but did you really expect things to change and only revolve around you after marriage?
Your husband may appear to have neglected you, he may appear less loving than before marriage. He loved you enough to marry you, and from the way things stand, he still loves you -- that is why he avoided it every time divorce was brought up. Seriously you don't expect him to focus on you now as intensely as he did before marriage, do you? If so, then maybe it's time to wake up and smell the roses. There is no such man in the world who could ever shower a wife as much time and attention after marriage as he spent before while courting her. And that is not how a healthy marriage should work.
Understand that his diminished attention to you does not imply that he loves you less. And now instead of offering to share the burden of his troubles, you simply unload your problems on top of his and grumble he is not solving them for you. Is that what a wife in a happy marriage would do?
I may not get the full picture of your marriage, so this may not really hit the nail on the head. Nevertheless, I do believe if you put in a little effort to change your attitude and expectations, spend a little more time to understand and a little less to complain, maybe you'd find that your marriage is still worth fighting for and you are still the same girl worthy of your husband's love as she was years ago.
Yes i am unhappy because he's not behaving like a husband you get me? He supposed to be with me all the time, no matter where i go, and he's supposed to be there when my parents look for him, he's supposed to be there whenever i ask him out for some special occasion or a holiday and the worst part of all is my relatives and his relatives keepon questioning me stuff like where's your husband? What happen to him? Why are you alone? ... in the end i gotta lie to them telling them that he's busy working overtime etc. but in the truth is he's sleeping at home or playing games or surfing the net all the time, and I feel so frustrated and really upset about this, often I feel like you know I'm single again if this thing happen this way....
Everytime I try to make things work like asking him to go on a holiday with me he will say he gotta work overtime .. how can???.. people always say "family come first" but my husband is work come first. Yes, it's a long story and you cannot judge me or blame me from here.. I was just trying to release my stress here.. only the person up there knows all about me suffering in this way... i wish i could turn back time....
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Originally posted by mckenzy:
In order to judge you, there has to be defined what is right and what is wrong. One would have to take sides, like say what you did is wrong and what your husband is right. There could be some misunderstanding here, because that is not the idea I wanted to put across in my previous post.
Yes, it's a long story and you cannot judge me or blame me from here.. I was just trying to release my stress here.. only the person up there knows all about me suffering in this way... i wish i could turn back time....
Sigh. I've said it before: I'm not defending your husband, your mother-in-law, your parents and your family for not helping you -- you've got to help yourself first. I know you're miserable, and if I were your girl friend perhaps I might even stand on your side and help you heap the blame on the others to make you feel better. However, an outsider could easily tell you that is not going to make your troubles go away.
If we really wanted to point fingers, then it is not just your husband who is at fault. You have to share the blame equally. You “were not prepared to get married”, yet your parents “decided for you to get married”, and you got married, out of “respect” for them. How could you ever let someone outside your relationship decide when you should get married, or for that matter whether you should get married? If there is anything worse than a marriage of impulse, it is a marriage of convenience -- marrying for the sake of marrying, marrying for the sake of people other than yourselves, marrying when you aren’t even sure he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Yes, it is the same for many couples who don’t know well the person they’re marrying. When these couples start to know more of each other, don't like what they see and don’t want to work things out, the outcome for them is also more or less the same. Do you want to end up like them (and at the same time throw back the “respect” for your parents), too?
The signatures are on the dotted lines, the rings have been exchanged. The commitment has been made, there is no point crying over spilt milk. What you, or rather, both of you have got to do now is to adjust your mentality towards marriage, and make life work with each other.
If your idea of a husband is “to be with [you] all the time, no matter where [you] go, …to be there when [your] parents look for him, …to be there whenever [you] ask him out”, then I am afraid you are going to be very disappointed because even if you leave your current husband, you could never find someone else to fit that bill. A dog, maybe?
There are many happily-married couples who have their own social circle even after marriage. A husband does not need to show himself to his wifeÂ’s friends and relatives all the time, neither does the wife. Your husband could be sending you the wrong signals when he appears overly devoted to his work, but all responsible husbands devote themselves to work -- it is rather difficult to support a family without work.
Both of you must have loved each other enough to get married, (though “enough” is rarely a good reason for marriage). Now the question is whether you still have enough love for each other to stay married. There are a few ways to find the answer, here’s one: Adjust your needs and expectations first, then have a nice calm talk with him to find out his, and after that work out together a compromise that reconciles both your needs and expectations. (It is easy to say, I know, but such is the nature of advice.)
Many couples give up on marriage without even trying to work on it, and blame the world because marriage bliss always eludes them. What they donÂ’t realise is that theyÂ’re simply not marriageable material. I have no right to judge you, but donÂ’t pass that sentence on to yourself. -
Nope... You can't turn back time.... Go for the counseling please... Don't drag... Time is not on your side....Originally posted by mckenzy:Knowing him for so long doesnt mean that i will know him better and it's the same goes to some couples out there. We were not prepared to get married in the first place but it's our parents who decides for us to get married, we respect them you see.
Yes i am unhappy because he's not behaving like a husband you get me? He supposed to be with me all the time, no matter where i go, and he's supposed to be there when my parents look for him, he's supposed to be there whenever i ask him out for some special occasion or a holiday and the worst part of all is my relatives and his relatives keepon questioning me stuff like where's your husband? What happen to him? Why are you alone? ... in the end i gotta lie to them telling them that he's busy working overtime etc. but in the truth is he's sleeping at home or playing games or surfing the net all the time, and I feel so frustrated and really upset about this, often I feel like you know I'm single again if this thing happen this way....
Everytime I try to make things work like asking him to go on a holiday with me he will say he gotta work overtime .. how can???.. people always say "family come first" but my husband is work come first. Yes, it's a long story and you cannot judge me or blame me from here.. I was just trying to release my stress here.. only the person up there knows all about me suffering in this way... i wish i could turn back time.... -
what to do now so many divorce cases and the ups and downs .. i think the best idea is to see the "professionals" and see what they're gonna say.. thanks anyway Devil1976..........Originally posted by Tuatau:In order to judge you, there has to be defined what is right and what is wrong. One would have to take sides, like say what you did is wrong and what your husband is right. There could be some misunderstanding here, because that is not the idea I wanted to put across in my previous post.
Sigh. I've said it before: I'm not defending your husband, your mother-in-law, your parents and your family for not helping you -- you've got to help yourself first. I know you're miserable, and if I were your girl friend perhaps I might even stand on your side and help you heap the blame on the others to make you feel better. However, an outsider could easily tell you that is not going to make your troubles go away.
If we really wanted to point fingers, then it is not just your husband who is at fault. You have to share the blame equally. You “were not prepared to get married”, yet your parents “decided for you to get married”, and you got married, out of “respect” for them. How could you ever let someone outside your relationship decide when you should get married, or for that matter whether you should get married? If there is anything worse than a marriage of impulse, it is a marriage of convenience -- marrying for the sake of marrying, marrying for the sake of people other than yourselves, marrying when you aren’t even sure he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Yes, it is the same for many couples who don’t know well the person they’re marrying. When these couples start to know more of each other, don't like what they see and don’t want to work things out, the outcome for them is also more or less the same. Do you want to end up like them (and at the same time throw back the “respect” for your parents), too?
The signatures are on the dotted lines, the rings have been exchanged. The commitment has been made, there is no point crying over spilt milk. What you, or rather, both of you have got to do now is to adjust your mentality towards marriage, and make life work with each other.
If your idea of a husband is “to be with [you] all the time, no matter where [you] go, …to be there when [your] parents look for him, …to be there whenever [you] ask him out”, then I am afraid you are going to be very disappointed because even if you leave your current husband, you could never find someone else to fit that bill. A dog, maybe?
There are many happily-married couples who have their own social circle even after marriage. A husband does not need to show himself to his wifeÂ’s friends and relatives all the time, neither does the wife. Your husband could be sending you the wrong signals when he appears overly devoted to his work, but all responsible husbands devote themselves to work -- it is rather difficult to support a family without work.
Both of you must have loved each other enough to get married, (though “enough” is rarely a good reason for marriage). Now the question is whether you still have enough love for each other to stay married. There are a few ways to find the answer, here’s one: Adjust your needs and expectations first, then have a nice calm talk with him to find out his, and after that work out together a compromise that reconciles both your needs and expectations. (It is easy to say, I know, but such is the nature of advice.)
Many couples give up on marriage without even trying to work on it, and blame the world because marriage bliss always eludes them. What they donÂ’t realise is that theyÂ’re simply not marriageable material. I have no right to judge you, but donÂ’t pass that sentence on to yourself.
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Hi mckenzy
Yes that is the best idea. Do arrange to meet one as soon as possible.
RegardsOriginally posted by mckenzy:what to do now so many divorce cases and the ups and downs .. i think the best idea is to see the "professionals" and see what they're gonna say.. thanks anyway Devil1976.......... -
You can't totally depend on them, but they can be pretty good 'guides'...Originally posted by mckenzy:what to do now so many divorce cases and the ups and downs .. i think the best idea is to see the "professionals" and see what they're gonna say.. thanks anyway Devil1976..........
If you would give me much more information, maybe I won't mind advising you personally...
PM me if you're interested? -
Unless you do something about it. nothing will change. I understand you are just here to complain and to destress and you know in your heart there is nothing you can change. So just complain as much as possible let it all out ! this may be the only method I find suitable for you now.
Good! good! You are just doing what I advice. Just let it all out. Do you feel much better? If not just countinue to shout it all out in the forum. Remember we can only advice you here and be your listerning ear. Thats all we can do. The rest is up to you. -
Tuatau has hit some good spots.Originally posted by mckenzy:what to do now so many divorce cases and the ups and downs .. i think the best idea is to see the "professionals" and see what they're gonna say.. thanks anyway Devil1976..........
You should think through and tackle the problems at hand.
Seek Immediate help and save yourself out of this situation.
Remember, the blame and shame game doesn't solve anything. It's not healthy for everyone.
All the best in your decisions.
Cheers