wad would u do? who would u choose?
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Hi thanks for ur kind words.Originally posted by SpeedStar:Its sad to hear such a thing happen on u. I know how u feel. But as foxwall has mentioned, result is not very important in working life. A good degree is only a good for a jump start, but don't promise a good career. Based on result is not everything. If u loved ur bf very much, i suggest u maintain as friend with the promising guy and see how. Give yourself some time to think about it. If u think ur future is more important, I suggest u break up with him fast, cos its not doing any good to drag on. Although ppl may think its selfish, but eventually, its u who will be with ur bf not them.
Finally I think its very diffcult to have 2 people who knows and love each other to be together, so hope u make your decision wisely. Cheers
Well, indeed, i really am very attached to my bf on the whole, as we're very comfortable with each other... totally at ease with each other...
But guess the incident shows that i dun love my bf enuff....
well... at times i guess i'm abit sian of being the "guy" in the relationship... like he worry about me, take care about me n all instead bah... -
i jus wish to highlight that money is not the deciding factor for me. if it is, i wun be with my present bf now.Originally posted by Kenneth Tan Jian Wei:If you think there's nothing wrong with your mindset and have no intention of changing it, please break up with your current BF. There'll be no lack of even more well-off guys you will encounter. If a guy you don't know very well can make you go on 2 dates with him and reconsider your current relationship, you might as well not waste your BF's and your time. Spare your BF further heartbreak and let him go for better girls out there.
It's more of the character... cos i'm afraid that if my bf is so not hardworking towards his studies, what about work next time? that line of thought.
It wun appeal to me if a lazy guy from a rich family woos me.
Hope this can let u see where i am coming from. -
Simply put, your thinking has changed or matured, but your boyfriend's hasn't. That creates a disparity between your mentalities during communication and you are starting to find him less suitable as a lifelong mate as compared to the other guy. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about the change of your values, and that you've become rather concerned over his apparent lack of concern about your plans for the future?
You said you are confused, but you do sound a little like your mind has been made up. A part of you wants to give your current boyfriend a chance, give him time to change; but another part of you fears that if you missed this chance, a better prospect like that other guy may not come by again so easily.
Since you should know your heart better than we do, we could only advise you to go with it then. If you've really had a change of heart, you'd actually be doing him a favour by breaking off with him now than by committing yourselves further.
Worst comes to worst, you could always recommend him to drop in here. -
Mmm..
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Originally posted by Steph84:Hi there...
Let me descibe the situation...
You have a stable bf of 1.5 yrs.. the 2 of u all are comfortable with each other, know each other inside out, had ur share of major quarrels n all... ur bf consider the relationship a stable one... a dependable one....
But you, on the other hand, think that u can do with more security in the relationship. Ur bf's family background is not exactly desirable... he's is less well-off than you. In fact, you have to pay more on dates and also at times take care of his financial needs.
The most inportant factor troubling you is the attitude he holds towards his studies. He is faring poorer than u. A partner fares poorer than u doesn't appeal to u.
Nonetheless, time has told u he is loving and caring most of the time... during this period that the two of you are together.
Recently, you met this new guy.
You do not yet know that much about his family background, but he seems to be better off than ur bf. He also seems to be more goal-oriented and steadfast in working out his life. Education-wise, he fares better than ur bf. In fact, he's just graduated and will be working soon.
So far, he is nice, gentlemanly and all... and the two of u get along great... despite knowing each other not for long, the 2 of you are really comfortable with each other. The few dates that you've been on with him, you throughly enjoyed yourself. He has also expressed his interest in pursuing a relationship with you clearly.
What'd you do in such a situation? Risk it with the new guy u met? Or think that love conquers all and rough it out with ur bf and see wad is the ending?
You have probably experience new phrases in your preception of BGR subconsciously. Previously, what you deemed as acceptable, changeable or even able to compromise, has evolved. The biological and natural woman's 'investment' needs spring forth - the greater need for financial-related-future security.
This is pretty normal (especially if you are Virgo, Capricorn or Taurus).
Your last paragraph speaks of your possible options: you could either try it out with the new guy or rough it out with your current bf. However, pretty likely, I could see your desire to break free from this relationship.A partner fares poorer than u doesn't appeal to u.
You are entitlted to the kind of partner you seek, obviously if your boyfriend doesn't appeal to you and you are remaining in the relationship for the sake of duty, responsibility and probably due to length of time, something is really wrong somewhere. You also note that this anti-seductive-passion-killing thingy is all about you, while your boyfriend, is presuming, being pretty happy in the relationship.
Nothing works one-sided.
Always attempt to save your ship before you abandon it, like what the navy captain would do in event of a damaged ship. Repair, repair and repair until you find that it's getting hopeless, before you call for a abandonment. IMHO, you haven't reach to that stage yet, then seek out proper communication channels to discuss these sticky issue like matured couple.
You MUST let him know about your dis-satisfaction about the current bleak future and MUST either motiviate, propose a mutual solution or both. From there, you will make your own judgement.
Cheers -
thanks for ur insightful reply...Originally posted by Yunhaier:Always attempt to save your ship before you abandon it, like what the navy captain would do in event of a damaged ship. Repair, repair and repair until you find that it's getting hopeless, before you call for a abandonment. IMHO, you haven't reach to that stage yet, then seek out proper communication channels to discuss these sticky issue like matured couple.
You MUST let him know about your dis-satisfaction about the current bleak future and MUST either motiviate, propose a mutual solution or both. From there, you will make your own judgement.
Cheers
I think in my bf's view, all is well... he is the happy-go-lucky sort.. i think he feels that if there is love, anything goes.... but me, on the other hand, feels that though love is important, other things like financial stability, a man's ambitions and etc, are equally important also.
Actually i have raised this issue to him many many many many times.... and u should see how i nag him to study.... i really feel at times like, how come he is so many years my senior, and yet so immature and lazy....... in my view, he doesn't set his priorities right. He is never consistent in his studies... and when his lousy results come out, he sinks into depression. And yet, when a new sem starts, he never learns from his mistakes.
The thought of leaving him flashes acrosses my mind often.. but, i also feel that i shouldn't be so cruel to him... cos his life depends much on me, i feel... financial-wise, mental support and company.... he doesn't have much close friends... i also know he is the kind of guy with a fragile heart.... hai... so i feel if i leave him, he sure very sad... this is also keeping me with him....
of cos, our many happy times together also makes me attached to him.... anyway, now i realise that getting out of a serious relationship is such a complex thing... it is never simple as just taking a knife to chop off all ties... i will let nature take its course i guess. -
Since you've already noticed that his over-reliance on you might be a potential problem, why don't you try to work something out of itOriginally posted by Steph84:thanks for ur insightful reply...
I think in my bf's view, all is well... he is the happy-go-lucky sort.. i think he feels that if there is love, anything goes.... but me, on the other hand, feels that though love is important, other things like financial stability, a man's ambitions and etc, are equally important also.
Actually i have raised this issue to him many many many many times.... and u should see how i nag him to study.... i really feel at times like, how come he is so many years my senior, and yet so immature and lazy....... in my view, he doesn't set his priorities right. He is never consistent in his studies... and when his lousy results come out, he sinks into depression. And yet, when a new sem starts, he never learns from his mistakes.
The thought of leaving him flashes acrosses my mind often.. but, i also feel that i shouldn't be so cruel to him... cos his life depends much on me, i feel... financial-wise, mental support and company.... he doesn't have much close friends... i also know he is the kind of guy with a fragile heart.... hai... so i feel if i leave him, he sure very sad... this is also keeping me with him....
of cos, our many happy times together also makes me attached to him.... anyway, now i realise that getting out of a serious relationship is such a complex thing... it is never simple as just taking a knife to chop off all ties... i will let nature take its course i guess.
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Originally posted by Steph84:
Correct me if I am wrong, but it does sound like you're keeping him by your side out of pity. If that be true, you are being more cruel to keep him than to leave him now.
The thought of leaving him flashes acrosses my mind often.. but, i also feel that i shouldn't be so cruel to him... cos his life depends much on me, i feel... financial-wise, mental support and company.... he doesn't have much close friends... i also know he is the kind of guy with a fragile heart.... hai... so i feel if i leave him, he sure very sad... this is also keeping me with him....
Compassion has a limit. Do you expect to mother him for the rest of your life? -
Originally posted by Steph84:thanks for ur insightful reply...
I think in my bf's view, all is well... he is the happy-go-lucky sort.. i think he feels that if there is love, anything goes.... but me, on the other hand, feels that though love is important, other things like financial stability, a man's ambitions and etc, are equally important also.
Actually i have raised this issue to him many many many many times.... and u should see how i nag him to study.... i really feel at times like, how come he is so many years my senior, and yet so immature and lazy....... in my view, he doesn't set his priorities right. He is never consistent in his studies... and when his lousy results come out, he sinks into depression. And yet, when a new sem starts, he never learns from his mistakes.
The thought of leaving him flashes acrosses my mind often.. but, i also feel that i shouldn't be so cruel to him... cos his life depends much on me, i feel... financial-wise, mental support and company.... he doesn't have much close friends... i also know he is the kind of guy with a fragile heart.... hai... so i feel if i leave him, he sure very sad... this is also keeping me with him....
of cos, our many happy times together also makes me attached to him.... anyway, now i realise that getting out of a serious relationship is such a complex thing... it is never simple as just taking a knife to chop off all ties... i will let nature take its course i guess. It seemed to me that you did numerous attempt in trying to instill the kind of drive for him to work towards his own future (and the relationship), however it also seemed that your message didn't get across somehow. Getting him to study is level one, knowing WHY and the REASON behind it is level two - he never seemed to knew the ACTUAL reason because he probably thought that you are doing your duty as gf to nag him to.
The idea behind the whole communication wasn't communicated effectively - futile.
If you have to trash things out, then you have to. Reason being very simple: you will likely to leave him for another man if things continues: this is a straight fact. You two share very different attitude and preception towards your own relationship and eventually it will cause a breakdown somewhere.
Love is about looking in the same direction, not just at one another - you can't survive a relationship simply through your sweet little things. Its memorable, no doubt about it, but you will need more substance if you desire your relationship to go somewhere.
P.S: Extinguish all forms of self pity - your relationship will go nowhere with it.
Cheers -
Just to caution. Get to know the other guy longer first. Because initial stages are always perfect and wonderful. He may be gentlemanly now, but once things starts to roll out, he may become a shrewd guy.
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woo...ur bf is just like me...
fail all modules...depress when i failed without hardwork...happy-go-lucky..
i think he might have some problems...like me too...so i can't advise much...
1 thing for sure...find out what's the reason behind all those laziness and depress and save it ...after that only u decide whether to continue or not
cheers
oh and 1 more...i'm same as broke as ur bf -
Very unhealthy.
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~ Hi Steph84 ~
I'm Cecil's gf. I went through similar experience as you.
My very 1st bf, B, & I found that we couldn't get along with each other any more. After 10mths of dating, I felt very unhappy with him, yet I couldn't let myself go. And I saw no future with him. There came a guy, S, who helped save me from this draggy r/s.
S, was definately a much more better guy. Very ambitious, tall, rich, highly-educated, & a nice character. We clicked immediately. We felt very comfortable with each other & shared a lot of common interests & values. We spotted a very bright future ahead. We were very happy together then.
Out of a sudden, he said that he wants to concentrate on his work entirely, leaving me no choice but to go. I was so devastated..It was only after 6 mths then I healed myself from all the pains & sorrows. As for now, we are just plain good friends. By the way, we were only together for 6wks.
So girl, I think you have set your mind to break up with him. Why don't you give him the very last ultimatum? Tell him that if he were not to listen to you this very last time, you will break off with him immediately.
I know this is cruel, unless you don't love him anymore.
But girl, please, don't rush into another relationship as soon as the past one has just ended. Take your time to know the guy. Be wary of his work scope, don't be like me.
I have learnt my lesson. Though it's a very painful experience, I feel glad to know that finally, I have found someone I love so much. Now I'm blissfully attached with my bao bao, cecil. -
Trust me..i believe your heart has already starting to change for a new target liao.. it always started like thisOriginally posted by drx:yr heart has already changed for the new guy liao.
so no point in me saying anything.
result is that you will for sure go to new guy.
you know in your heart liao
i Believe u will be starting to feel uncomfortable with your bf liao as in not as comfortable as before..
If u are really have no change of heart ? why would this qns suddenly pop out of your head..why will u be so confused over this?
i would perfer u to stay with your current bf since he been with u for 1 and 1/2 yr and treat u quite g00d...but who am i to say anything..it your life...just chose your path carefully ba.. -
Dear Steph,
Wait a minute... You have a stable bf, but you've been out on dates with another guy? Do you really treat him as a stable bf, or are you open to options & playing the field?!
I'm Not here to judge you, just asking you if you've thought over what you're doing, & what you want.
I can tell you this: I've been out with guys who are financially better off, they can pretty much afford most things & offer me a stable life. I probably don't need to work. Has that brought me happiness? *smiles* NO.
Currently, my guy isn't as well-off as others. I don't get the rich kinda toys that I used to get (i.e. jewellery, etc). But I wouldn't trade him in for a richer guy at all. What for? I'm proud that I work & I can buy my own things, when people tell me my stuff is nice, I'm proud to say I bought them. I don't need a guy to buy them for me, & expect me to tolerate their shit.
My current guy isn't perfect, but he's the 1 who's brought me the most happiness. He's caring, he's sweet, he's supportive & understanding, we have plenty of laughs together. His gifts aren't expensive, but they bring the brightest smiles to my face. I get shoulder massages, foot massages, I have dinner cooked for me sometimes, he picks out the clothes I wear on dates, he goes shopping with me & takes a genuine interest in what I buy.
We make each other happy & we're faithful, & frankly, that's all I ever need.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Steph84:Hi there...
Let me descibe the situation...
You have a stable bf of 1.5 yrs.. the 2 of u all are comfortable with each other, know each other inside out, had ur share of major quarrels n all... ur bf consider the relationship a stable one... a dependable one....
But you, on the other hand, think that u can do with more security in the relationship. Ur bf's family background is not exactly desirable... he's is less well-off than you. In fact, you have to pay more on dates and also at times take care of his financial needs.
The most inportant factor troubling you is the attitude he holds towards his studies. He is faring poorer than u. A partner fares poorer than u doesn't appeal to u.
Nonetheless, time has told u he is loving and caring most of the time... during this period that the two of you are together.
Recently, you met this new guy.
You do not yet know that much about his family background, but he seems to be better off than ur bf. He also seems to be more goal-oriented and steadfast in working out his life. Education-wise, he fares better than ur bf. In fact, he's just graduated and will be working soon.
So far, he is nice, gentlemanly and all... and the two of u get along great... despite knowing each other not for long, the 2 of you are really comfortable with each other. The few dates that you've been on with him, you throughly enjoyed yourself. He has also expressed his interest in pursuing a relationship with you clearly.
What'd you do in such a situation? Risk it with the new guy u met? Or think that love conquers all and rough it out with ur bf and see wad is the ending? -
Steph
Probably my ex was facing the same predicament as you ... and she chose the other guy who is richer and younger and like you say a go-getter ....
Of course I am sad ... but to each of his or her best... its your call and your personal choice... who knows may get another girl who is much better than you ... a blessing in disguise!
This is wat i tell myself but has not happened yet..... me still heartbroken a sad and lonely guy ...wish i could type her name here... xxx xxxx.. I miss u -
Steph84,
I'm a bit late. Haven't been reading Aunt Agony for some time now.
You say that your current bf is becoming a bit undesirable because of:
(1) His family background.
(2) His lack of interest in studies.
You also said these about the new guy you met:
(1) You don't know about his family background.
(2) His ability to get through his studies.
(3) You don't know him well yet.
Well, I think the answer is obvious and you're right - its a risk at this point of time. Why hurry and make a decision now? You need time to get to know the new guy before making any decisions, so take your time. There are always things you like about somebody (no matter how unattractive he is) and there are always things you hate about somebody (no matter how attractive he is). So just relax and let time "educate" you better.
Our seniors always told us that lying was bad, didn't they? But when we grew up, we found that they were no angels and lied too.....and its part and parcel of life. To cover up their flaws, they called it "white lies".
Is the same with relationships. We've all been taught that two-timing and cheating is bad, isn't it? Well, in my opinion, not so!! I'm gonna suggest a justified two-timing in this case. Stick with both for the time being, take your time to learn about both....and make a decision only when you're sure. Its gonna take some cover-up skills and guilt-squashing (if you're not used to it). But it you pull it off, you'll be better off in the end.
PS: I can't understand why the lack of interest in studies would affect a relationship (future financial security?), but OK....each has his/her own opinions about what attracts them. -
Well, it's when a person realises the importance of material benefits and it's future.Originally posted by gentlerock:PS: I can't understand why the lack of interest in studies would affect a relationship (future financial security?), but OK....each has his/her own opinions about what attracts them.
Usually non career minded man will lose out during a point of option.
Studies affects career hence affects money and stability.
heard your parents said 'Study hard so that you could have a better life in the future'?
We are programmed to believe in this system.
Product of a distorted ideal is unhappy/unhealthy relationship.
When emotional needs in a r/s are fuel to sustain it.
Material needs have to be the substance which causes combustion and continue burning.Not that steph84 is wrong. But she have grown/forced to look at reality and to make a decision between realism or idealism.
Growth is sometimes scary to behold but is necessary.
Steph84: anything happened recently? Have you treat your present bf the same still? Communication still going well? -
Fine with me!Originally posted by M©+square:Not that steph84 is wrong. But she have grown/forced to look at reality and to make a decision between realism or idealism.
Growth is sometimes scary to behold but is necessary.
I'm a realistic person and my thoughts about materialism are:
(1) People (including girls) who are totally not materialistic are too simply dumb, believing in fairy tales.
(2) People (including girls) who are a little materialistic are smart! They realise the value of money and are realistic. Most people fall into this category, I think including Steph84. Ambitious and want to be secure, but not in an imposing way (eg. would prefer to have a mate who is financially secure).
(3) People (including girls) who are overly materialistic are shitty. Gold diggers. -
you already went on dates as u stated wif the new guy... seems dat u r more fond of him than ur bf ... but wouldn't wanna break wif ur current bf cos u treasure the 1.5yrs relationship.... but go wif ur heart lor... if u think the new guy's better den go ahead .... its up to u... to get a new life or stick to the same 1...
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That time my girlfriend also like that treated me, end up she came back to me. I was studying, somehow she knew another guy which is working and finanically stable. She break with me. Then i told her what true love is all about. In the end she came back to me.
I still believe true love exist, two timing? i hate gals do that, loose gals.. o.O" just because you are a gal you can two timing? or just that you are chio, u can have more bf, and choose which is good. How many years can u play? till old like fann wong? end up bo bian married ming shun? lol 30+ bitch..Originally posted by gentlerock:Steph84,
I'm a bit late. Haven't been reading Aunt Agony for some time now.
You say that your current bf is becoming a bit undesirable because of:
(1) His family background.
(2) His lack of interest in studies.
You also said these about the new guy you met:
(1) You don't know about his family background.
(2) His ability to get through his studies.
(3) You don't know him well yet.
Well, I think the answer is obvious and you're right - its a risk at this point of time. Why hurry and make a decision now? You need time to get to know the new guy before making any decisions, so take your time. There are always things you like about somebody (no matter how unattractive he is) and there are always things you hate about somebody (no matter how attractive he is). So just relax and let time "educate" you better.
Our seniors always told us that lying was bad, didn't they? But when we grew up, we found that they were no angels and lied too.....and its part and parcel of life. To cover up their flaws, they called it "white lies".
Is the same with relationships. We've all been taught that two-timing and cheating is bad, isn't it? Well, in my opinion, not so!! I'm gonna suggest a justified two-timing in this case. Stick with both for the time being, take your time to learn about both....and make a decision only when you're sure. Its gonna take some cover-up skills and guilt-squashing (if you're not used to it). But it you pull it off, you'll be better off in the end.
PS: I can't understand why the lack of interest in studies would affect a relationship (future financial security?), but OK....each has his/her own opinions about what attracts them. -
Personally, I don't think it's just the financial & materialistic surfaces on themselves often.Originally posted by M©+square:Well, it's when a person realises the importance of material benefits and it's future.
Usually non career minded man will lose out during a point of option.
Studies affects career hence affects money and stability.
heard your parents said 'Study hard so that you could have a better life in the future'?
We are programmed to believe in this system.
Product of a distorted ideal is unhappy/unhealthy relationship.
When emotional needs in a r/s are fuel to sustain it.
Material needs have to be the substance which causes combustion and continue burning.Not that steph84 is wrong. But she have grown/forced to look at reality and to make a decision between realism or idealism.
Growth is sometimes scary to behold but is necessary.
Steph84: anything happened recently? Have you treat your present bf the same still? Communication still going well?
For Steph84, I think it's more of the mindset of this guy which she really detest? ie. He does not look up to strive and fight for his future and achievements, and yet goes into depression right after he failed?
It's not just financial security we're talking about here, but if he's gonna be weak then she'll also be lacking in emotional security and such? A threat to her future if she's in this relationship because she'll probably end up taking care of him instead of expecting any form of support from him? -
Hello..Originally posted by M©+square:Well, it's when a person realises the importance of material benefits and it's future.
Usually non career minded man will lose out during a point of option.
Studies affects career hence affects money and stability.
heard your parents said 'Study hard so that you could have a better life in the future'?
We are programmed to believe in this system.
Product of a distorted ideal is unhappy/unhealthy relationship.
When emotional needs in a r/s are fuel to sustain it.
Material needs have to be the substance which causes combustion and continue burning.Not that steph84 is wrong. But she have grown/forced to look at reality and to make a decision between realism or idealism.
Growth is sometimes scary to behold but is necessary.
Steph84: anything happened recently? Have you treat your present bf the same still? Communication still going well?
to update and answer ur questions.... i still treat my bf the same.... actually we are still happy together... when we go out, simple things like a movie, a simple meal can make us happy.. cos we really enjoy each other's company... he is also a very easy-going guy... he can tolerate my whinings, is patient while i shop and all.. haha....
some aspects of his character, like his patience, his easy-going personality really draws me to him... these are the qualities that attracted me to him in the first place.
As time passed, of cos his other more undesirable qualities such as laziness. happy-go-lucki-ness and all are revealed... especially the part on how he will be depressed when things go wrong... he doesn't see that he is the own cause of his failure and doesn't learn from his mistakes. i feel that these are major faults.....
Apart from these qualities, i really adore him... i'm just afraid he is someone whom i can love, but cannot spend my whole life with... i know la.. these things nobody can solve for me.. i really need to solve them myself.
someone suggested i two-time.... but i dun think i can do it.. i will be so guilty and if my bf finds out, he will be so hurt... think i can't bear to do this to him.... thanks for the suggestion anyway.. -
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