What shall I do?
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I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong -
Originally posted by Dreamland:
If he is "afraid that he will be like that", then most likely he will be like that. If a man couldn't even be confident of his fidelity before marriage, what fidelity could you possibly expect from him after marriage?
Also, will marriage solve issues? ... He has a fren who is married with a kid and still continue to fool around after marriage, with his wife's knowledge. He is afraid that he will be like that.
And you should be afraid too, as he has promised you "rough sex [after marriage] to make up for the lost years". This must be the most absurd thing I have ever heard -- using marriage to get a license to "kill, maim or destroy". You are not a sex toy for him to unleash his pent-up frustrations, and when he's done with you -- yup your intuitions shall probably be proven true -- he'll discard you like some piece of meat, used and abused, to look for some fresh ass. -
nice men wont threaten for sex...sex isnt love...sex is just a relief for men..that's wat i thought and it's always the men that woman wanted to have sex...it's all the man's fault..
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Wat does progressing in his career have to do with marriage!! Its not that
you will need 24 x 7 hrs of his attn that he do not have time to make headway
in his career! Wake up gal! Just an excuse from the guy in not wanting to marry
you!
his guy may/ will never be ready for marriage!.....dump him and start anew! Do not
be foolish and give in to his demands just becoz you think that by doing so you
can keep him by yr side.....got a feeling...... if his married frenz can behave in such
a manner after marriage.... he will feel likewise justified to do the same thing!
You do not want to end up with an unfaithful husband!!....ultimately filing for divorce!
Thats nothing wrong being a happy swinging bachelorette !
Plenty of nice man out there! You no longer young liao....do not waste any more of yr
youth on such a jerk!!! Even if cannot get a guy....who says being single = depression! Lots of my gf outz there are happy with their single status !
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Yes.. I am very afraid and at a lost of what to do.
He is not a villian, and treats me well when he is ok. I believe that he is kind but he can be so cruel with his words. Shall I trust his actions or words? So far, he has not forced me to do anything against my will. -
You sounds kinda... Familar? Do I know you by another nick previouslyOriginally posted by Dreamland:His frens were surprised that we were togethercos he has high sex drive.. coming to 4 years. We are in our very late 20s. There's talk about marriage.
Light petting not enough. He prefers a blow job and expects rough sex after marriage to make up for lost years.
He's with me cos he was hurt several times. He is faithful but has been betrayed by sexy girls. He wants to settle down with a "proper" girl and "gentle" girl.
To his dismay, I'm plain and proper, boring and stuboorn to the core(Not gentle at all). 3rd party is sexy, pretty and takes lots of initiatives. Think he will be happier with her. Tried to leave him but failed. He is sentimental and nice. Sometimes I woner if he is with me cos being the nice guy, he wants to keep his promise to take care of me. He wouldn't even abandon his animals after so long. Also, he knows that at my age, it's hard to find another, thus he wants to be responsible for me.
What do you mean he expects rough sex after the marriage? He actually told you that? -
You... Are in quite a dilemma...?Originally posted by Dreamland:Yes.. I am very afraid and at a lost of what to do.
He is not a villian, and treats me well when he is ok. I believe that he is kind but he can be so cruel with his words. Shall I trust his actions or words? So far, he has not forced me to do anything against my will. -
I am sure yr bf is not a villian, and treats you well when he is ok.
But do ask yourself is that wat you ultimately want in yr life partner...
treat you well when he is happy and use cruel words to hurt you
when he could not get his way.....
If you are fine with this arrangement....do not give him up then!! I am
sure there are other characteristics abt him that makes you love him so
dearly.....
Only thing that I can say is that........ not sure whether yr man can or will ever
be trusted fully......
The type of frenz that he has around him... will be a good reflection of wat type of
person he actually is.... used that as a guide!!
Just dun be totally blinded by love!! Monitor him closely before you
decide whether you want to eventually marry him...... do hold on to yr faith of
NO SEX b4 marriage!!!
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Originally posted by Dreamland:My bf keeps asking me to have sex even though I am against pre-marital sex. He says that our relationship is not passionate. He does not look forward to our annivesaries, valentine's day or any other occassions. He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
Kinda tricky, but I would do my best to allow you to have a decent picture to analysis your own situations.
In any relationship, the yin and yang dynamic of it would be giving and receiving. To give is often certain degree of sacrifice, while to receive is merely to receive the goodness of what your partner/relationship has to offer. Regardless of the type of principles involved, an unbendable rule (e.g. against pre-marital sex) clashing against one who desire what you are against, jammed up this system and causes continual conflicts.
When your boyfriend's clarity returned, he probably would feel that 'he would try to respect your wishes.' This is a form of sacrifice on his part and would term as 'giving' in it's own meaning.
*** I am kinda flabbergasted to learn that he said this to you:He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
This goes beyond the theory of giving and receiving - it's intimating and demanding. And a complete lame excuse, stated in advance, to 'protect' his own self-absorbed interest when this actual occasion arises. He had previous sexual activities with his 'sexy' ex-gf back then and because they played him, he prefer someone more down to earth like yourself currently. I don't know if you have already made known to him that you are conversative by nature, but because you demonstrate the kinda of quality he is looking for NOW: what comes together, comes in a package.He wants to settle down with a "proper" girl and "gentle" girl.
You want a proper girl, yet you don't want the 'proper' girl to be proper. (I am not saying people who indulge in pre-marital sex are not proper, rather, it's a similar expression of saying a man who demanded a virgin wife, yet wants her to be a sex goddess). Kinda wtf.
So what if the relationship is four years? So what if you are already in your late twenties? Basically, all these figures don't really matter much without your personal 'love investment' consideration for this relationship. You are with a bf who introduces a third party into the relationship, causing serious upheaval, JUST because he wants to change your mindset about pre-marital sex. Let me ask you: would things be very different if you were to change your mindset back then?
What will change? In fact, nothing much.
It's no longer about the sex issue - it has bring forth new factors that has almost eliminated the pre-marital sex problem in your relationship: The empathy, trust, foundation and everything else in the relationship have shook violently, leaving a trail of smoky dust, bearing pure evidences of how weak your relationship is.
Let me tell you, ANY one girl would have the ability to destroy your relationship. Even if they don't, you wouldn't have that power to endure affairs-of-your-man for long.
You need more than just communication - its almost like rules stating. You present your personal proposal on what you expect in a BGR, against what he sees in one. Learn to suck-it-up and compromise or die in the process. If certain critical clauses are left in a stalemate, congrats him on his future relationship and bid him farewell.
P.S: If you two are not looking in the same direction, its kinda difficult to substain your relationship ultimately, even if the relationship continues to run. Same direction as in having good knowledge of how your OWN relationship works and work around it. If you have to end a relationship, dragging it served as a burden for everyone involved. That may not be a product of love - more like insecurity and fear to move on.
You got to know the difference.
Cheers -
Heh Â…. I guess most of the thing I wanted to say had being said. Well Dreamlander it is up to you to whather or not to accept everyone advices. No one in this forum can tell you what to do. It is up to entirely up to make the final decision. Remember .. when making a decision always keep to your principle. And also remember there is no such thing as true right and wrong. The world is grey and what fits your way of life and principle is the best way to make decisions.
And if I am right your principle is against pre-material sex. So used that as your strength and standing point to make the next move. U must understand and accept the choice of consequence u made. If u go against your principle and have sex. U must be ready to accept the possible rash reality that may follow up. He might dump you after having sex with you. But again if that did not happen and he stick with u, that will be great. But again u must ask .. are u betraying yourself?
To be frank no one can save you or ever help you but yourself. As a saying, all the problems in the world can be solved by the person in the mirror. I know you are afraid of making the wrong decision but again these are paths of life which some of us must take it alone. The choices taken may be wrong but mistakes serve to make us stronger. All of us make mistakes and I are one of those who made almost thousands of mistakes. Instead of crying over split milk, just pick yourself up and find the next path to live a fruitful life. If u do not make the final decision , u will continue to suffer a prolonged suffering just like a hare ensnared in a net where it keep running in circles, afraid but dun know what to do. Take your time to think about it, but u MUST reach a final decision
Just adding a bit from my read, I felt that your relationship and your bf is just like a master and slave scenario. I felt that he needs you in a sense of self regarding and security. He acts like the master and demand thing from you for you are the slave. His strength comes from you submitting to him. But you still have some power over him (not allowing him sex) If u give him the things he want, u complete the cycle of master and slave and you totally lost out. So giving the sex he wanted, he wins.
Good luck!!!
Cheers -
I think you should stray before he does and make it his fault instead. Anyway..he can't rebuke cause that's what he say in the first place, just that you carry it out in action first.Originally posted by Dreamland:My bf keeps asking me to have sex even though I am against pre-marital sex. He says that our relationship is not passionate. He does not look forward to our annivesaries, valentine's day or any other occassions. He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
Oh yah..before you leave, give him a kiss and thanks him for setting you free. Give him $20 so that he can get on to Geylang or Desker Road if he prefer -
I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other, like an act of war -
Maybe now you should re-evaluate your this r/s again and how much it means to you. But then again do consider clearly cause people like us (third parties) can't see what's going on in your r/s and all we see are texts that you wrote. He sounded like a good bf though in your this post with all the send you home blah blah blah kind of stuffs. Sex or not before marriage is something to be discussed between you two and still shouldn't be the reason for a break off unless you tell me you two are already married and still there's no sex life between you two.Originally posted by Dreamland:Hi all, thank you for spending time to read and giving me sincere advice. I have been living a rather confusing life, esp over the past few months.. wondering about my next course of action.
Looking back at things that he has done for me...accompanying me on my makan trips even though he is not really into food, sending me home using the much hated public transport nearly everyday even when he is extremely tired.He has even planned for our wedding.
I guess there are girls who are proper but are capable of pleasing their other half too. I refused to give him a bj cos i can't accept it. Is it becos I dun love him enough?Am I too out of the world?
U are rite... we are not looking in the same direction. Much as he tried to convert me, I tried to convert him as well. Into a "proper" guy... we ended up being "freaks" and "weirdos" in each other's world.
I tried to show him my definition of romanticism...it need not be steamy,passionate...just dinner at a restaurant, singing, going for day trips, holding hands, hugs..all which he has lost interest...in his terms...those are the things I like to do..what about the things he likes?
He said that I needed a fren, a soulmate. He just needed a simple, passionate girl, maybe even a vietnamese bride.
In a way, I'm glad that he is frank about his feelings throughout the whole relationship. It's hurting to know that he was extremely frustrated about being the loser among his frens, felt tempted when the 3rd party appeared.
I feel like the naggy,boring housewife who has lost to some wild, young things in the jungle. Why has love become such a battle? Fighting for my beliefs, fighting to be myself, fighting some 3rd party who keeps tempting him. Fighting to keep his feelings...
I feel so tired... I was devastated when I tried to leave him.. the tots of him being with other girls... and doing the stuff which I refused totally puts the balance off me. I went back to him for fear that he will really abandon me and do those stuff with other girls.
It doesn't help that my temper is getting from bad to worse with all the frustrations at work. I feel so tormented each time our daily conversation revolves around that topic and nothing else. I can't confide in him about work cos he doesn't emphatise. He can't tell me about his fantasies cos I refused to participate...I know it's normal for guys to do that..perfectly well but I just find it hard to be part of it.. does it get a bit of using to?
I'll try to gather your advices and think through the whole thing...again. Hopefully I can be brave enough to face whatever may be.
Give a good thought about it. Do not rush into a decision whereby you know you'll regret later. Anyway, I still don't agree that he should use straying out as a threat to make you have sex with him. Sex between a couple should be consenses between both and make it a beautiful process. -
If your not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If your not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart my calls
If you you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all
I dont know what the future brings,but i know your here with me now
We'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
I dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
If i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
Is there anyway that i can stay in your arms -
Originally posted by Dreamland:
I have a bad feeling about this.
Yes.. that's why I am in such a dilemma.
He can be nice to me, yet he threaten me and call my principles "stupid values". It is not about sex alone... I hope I can be treated as an equal in the relationship. I dun want to be landed in a situation where all is left was hate.
Possible scenario.. no sex after marriage cos I can't perform to his standards... he says that he is not even keen to have any physical contact (hugging/hold hands) with me and I am the cause of it all. I have my pride too.. how can he be so cruel to me?
You must love the guy very much. Many girls would not have put up with such emotional blackmail and verbal abuse. -
If i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
If i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
If your not for me then why does this distance name my life
I dont know why your so far away but i know this much is true
I love you whether its wrong or right and though i cant be with you tonight
my heart is by your side -
Originally posted by Dreamland:
Perhaps he does love you, but from your posts he seems confused about what he loves about you.
Maybe he loves me too?
I'm not any better. I called him names in retaliation.
On one hand, he told you that he had been hurt before by "sexy" girls, and wanted to settle for a "proper" and "gentle" girl like you. On the other hand, he complained that you are not as "passionate" as the "sexy" girls that he had encountered and that if he strayed to be with the "sexy" girls in future, then it is all your fault.
Do you think he'd feel your love too if you kept comparing him against your ex-boyfriends? Do you think he'd feel your love too if you told him that it would be his fault should you stray in future to be with the "gentle" guys who would treat you like a goddess instead of like a rag doll? -
Being nice = love? If that is the case..then I should be branded a flirt. Anyway I was but I guess I have to clarify.Originally posted by Dreamland:Yes.. that's why I am in such a dilemma.
He can be nice to me, yet he threaten me and call my principles "stupid values". It is not about sex alone... I hope I can be treated as an equal in the relationship. I dun want to be landed in a situation where all is left was hate.
Possible scenario.. no sex after marriage cos I can't perform to his standards... he says that he is not even keen to have any physical contact (hugging/hold hands) with me and I am the cause of it all. I have my pride too.. how can he be so cruel to me?
A marriage is not and must not be justified with just sex alone.
I don't know...I really feel like asking you to just let go of this r/s and find someone better but I don't have the right to do that because I didn't know the whole scenario. It won't be fair to your bf as well. But putting myself in a woman's shoe, I don't think I'll want a bf who can easily say such things to me just because I refuse sex before marriage. If he love me enough he should try to understand my position as well and not just me to understand his predictment. -
There's no doubt that he loves you...but how much? Enough to throw such harsh words on you?Originally posted by Dreamland:Maybe he loves me too?
I'm not any better. I called him names in retaliation.
Anyway...how old are you if you don't mind me asking? -
She threw harsh words at him too.Originally posted by laosu:There's no doubt that he loves you...but how much? Enough to throw such harsh words on you?
Anyway...how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
Exchanging of harsh words is common till to a point when one party said some nasty things.
I think this situation is not as easy as it seems. -
Let him stray. Its better that you are at fault now than to face the regret later. If he truely loves you, he will respect you.Originally posted by Dreamland:My bf keeps asking me to have sex even though I am against pre-marital sex. He says that our relationship is not passionate. He does not look forward to our annivesaries, valentine's day or any other occassions. He says that next time if he strays, it is my fault.
Qwerties -
Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door. -
Seriously. It really really depends.
I'd welcome his point of view in another thread.
But if it were to be in my younger days and temper. Mmmm...
I'd definately leave without a second thought.