to divorce or not to divorce? need advice.

• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 08:19

  okz my hubby committed adultery and his other woman is now pregnant and pressuring him to divorce me. we were married for 11 yrs.
  i muz say i hv been a gd mother and wife all these years and did nothing unforgiveable. his only grouse was that i am a housewife and cannot share his financial burden.
  
  i know it is both of our fault that our marriage breaks down. i had given him the chance, and told him that if he is able to give up this woman, we can always start anew.
  
  he tried to use delay tactic and said he needed time to consider (makes it sound like i'm begging him for a chance!duh!) and meanwhile living with the woman in a rented flat, paid for by the woman. so a month has passed and he said he is sticking to THEIR original decision.
  
  so now.. i need advice.
  - he is 32 and i am 31. he is not rich and earning about $2000/mth.
  - i stick to him when he was bankrupt from 98 to 2001. and he was earning $800/mth and my parents paid for our utilities.
  - he does not want my kids' custody. i do not intend to give him any.
  - he is a wife-beater and i have ever made a police report at Alex.Hosp.
  - he shows NO sign of guilt or remorse. in fact, he still feels he is doing the right thing 'living for himself' to quote him.
  
  - the flat is the 2nd we bought. the first with both our CPF. this current one from his CPF alone. he wants to divorce so that i have to pay him his share of the flat. my kids and i definitely needs a roof over our heads.
  Qn. how does this law work here?
  
  my main qn. is, will a divorce benefits me and my kids?
  
  i do not want to be so mercenery and end this relationship at a bad note. but, i am not financially independent yet and is now trying to. i have to protect my kids' interests and get a good bit of alimony outta him in the case of divorce. or maintenance in the case of no divorce.
  
  thanks in advance for your advices.
  
  
• pipi & poot-poot

  2 Jul 05, 08:44

  lose-lose situation...
  
  either way u'r bound to lose ur husband...
  
  salvaging wateva u can 4 ur kids sounds rational enuff...budden...it rilly shudn't b abt being vindictive or making him suffer 4 wats he's done...
  
  easier said den done though...
  
  but nonetheless...gd luck ~
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 08:55

  Originally posted by pipi & poot-poot:

  lose-lose situation...
  
  

  thanks for the reply.
  
  i'm no longer optimistic about having him back.
  as for making him suffer, i doubt he can feel anything anymore. i just want to move on with my kids, and not let them suffer. but he has to learn a lesson from this, albeit a costly one.
  
  retribution will come one day, but not from me.
• pipi & poot-poot

  2 Jul 05, 10:22

  
  
  Cheer up ~
• Tuatau

  2 Jul 05, 10:34

  You may wish to visit the website below for more information on divorce matters:
  
  http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/
  
  Under the section "Principles of Law", there are some FAQs that might help answer your queries, especially regarding the division of matrimonial assets.
• the.raven

  2 Jul 05, 10:38

  whoa he is a bastard.
• Gackt247

  2 Jul 05, 13:46

  Though i'm not a lawyer, but common logic tells me tt u'll more likely to gain custody of ur kids n watever maintenance etc. But of course, this is a victory tt u wished u do have to go thru. No one does. But ur husband probably has given everything up to be with the other woman, whom to my intuition will probably suffer the same fate of abandonment since ur husband is kinda responsible. It may be painful for u n ur kids to leave him, but things r not going well at the moment. Seek professional advice wrt ur situation.
  
  Gd luck. Take care.
  
• Magnus

  2 Jul 05, 14:24

  If his heart is not where it should be, there's no use getting him back.
  I am not siding him here, it's not a matter of whether you done anything unforgiving or wrong to him but sometimes when a person does not get some form of emotional support when he needs it, his heart can turn cold & dead.
  
  Guess he has found it somewhere else. Let them have their wish. Alimony is a small price they have to pay for their 'happiness'.
  
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 21:56

  Originally posted by pipi & poot-poot:

  
  
  Cheer up ~

  very nice picture thanks.
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 21:58

  Originally posted by Tuatau:

  You may wish to visit the website below for more information on divorce matters:
  
  http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/
  
  Under the section "Principles of Law", there are some FAQs that might help answer your queries, especially regarding the division of matrimonial assets.

  thanks. i have deliberated whether to settle it in court.. because he had said he can always quit his job and my kids and i will get nothing.
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:00

  Originally posted by The Twins:

  You really in a messy situation....girls always suffer the brunt. I do think you will ever be able to find another guy, especially with kids in tow

  thanks. finding another guy is the last thing on my mind.. my only priority now is to bring up the kids well.
• the Bear

  2 Jul 05, 22:01

  he'll get nothing too.... and stay nothing...
  
  think about it...
  
  will he change in the future if the both of you stay together? he beat you before.. will he do it again? worse, will he beat the children?
  
  there is no excuse for violence at all...
  
  and no remorse...
  
  think about this in the long view...
  
  your decision.... but i think inside you, you know which is the one that will be good for your children... and also yourself..
• OldAhPek

  2 Jul 05, 22:03

  okie get the children
  but make sure he give the 'shan yang fei'
  
  since he din hv the intention to patch things up
  (anyway his heart already gone, patching things up isnt a longterm solution)
  
  31 is still young
  i mean kid must be very young
  its gonna be tough for u
  so make sure u get the shan yang fei
  
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:03

  Originally posted by Gackt247:

  Though i'm not a lawyer, but common logic tells me tt u'll more likely to gain custody of ur kids n watever maintenance etc. But of course, this is a victory tt u wished u do have to go thru. No one does. But ur husband probably has given everything up to be with the other woman, whom to my intuition will probably suffer the same fate of abandonment since ur husband is kinda responsible. It may be painful for u n ur kids to leave him, but things r not going well at the moment. Seek professional advice wrt ur situation.
  
  Gd luck. Take care.
  

  thanks.. i think what goes around comes around.
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:08

  Originally posted by Magnus:

  If his heart is not where it should be, there's no use getting him back.
  I am not siding him here, it's not a matter of whether you done anything unforgiving or wrong to him but sometimes when a person does not get some form of emotional support when he needs it, his heart can turn cold & dead.
  
  Guess he has found it somewhere else. Let them have their wish. Alimony is a small price they have to pay for their 'happiness'.
  

  put it this way, he thinks he is still young and capable to find a better relationship. for me, i'm no longer trying to get him back. even if he wants to be back, the element of trust will not longer be there.. so it's pointless. we're already emotionally divorced. period. he has to pay not only for their 'happiness' but also for his irresponsibility.
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:14

  Originally posted by the Bear:

  he'll get nothing too.... and stay nothing...
  
  think about it...
  
  will he change in the future if the both of you stay together? he beat you before.. will he do it again? worse, will he beat the children?
  
  there is no excuse for violence at all...
  
  and no remorse...
  
  think about this in the long view...
  
  your decision.... but i think inside you, you know which is the one that will be good for your children... and also yourself..

  i've given up all hopes and feelings for this man. now i'm just more concerned about the maintenance for my kids.. i can of course find a job and so on but i doubt i can earn enough to bring up 4 kids.
  
  i saw a lawyer and she said to not sign the divorce papers no matter what.. because my kids and i will have nothing to gain.
  
  but i forsee some problems already staying married this way.. for eg. i was to enrol my child for Pri. 1 next year, but i had to get a photocopy of his ID card. and i have to practically 'beg' him to pass me a copy before he agreed. when he finally came back to pass me the photocopy, he commented that we still can't live without him. so this is bullshit.
  
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:17

  Originally posted by OldAhPek:

  okie get the children
  but make sure he give the 'shan yang fei'
  
  since he din hv the intention to patch things up
  (anyway his heart already gone, patching things up isnt a longterm solution)
  
  31 is still young
  i mean kid must be very young
  its gonna be tough for u
  so make sure u get the shan yang fei
  

  thanks.
  my eldest kid is 11 years old and the youngest 4 years old. it will be tough financially.
  
  shan yang fei is definitely what i'm going after now.
  
• the Bear

  2 Jul 05, 22:17

  looks like you have more to gain than the lawyer thought..
  
  to put it very brutally, having him as your spouse would be detrimental to your children and yourself...
  
  

  Originally posted by commonsense:

  i've given up all hopes and feelings for this man. now i'm just more concerned about the maintenance for my kids.. i can of course find a job and so on but i doubt i can earn enough to bring up 4 kids.
  
  i saw a lawyer and she said to not sign the divorce papers no matter what.. because my kids and i will have nothing to gain.
  
  but i forsee some problems already staying married this way.. for eg. i was to enrol my child for Pri. 1 next year, but i had to get a photocopy of his ID card. and i have to practically 'beg' him to pass me a copy before he agreed. when he finally came back to pass me the photocopy, he commented that we still can't live without him. so this is bullshit.
  

• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:17

  Originally posted by the.raven:

  whoa he is a bastard.

  you said it.
  
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:22

  Originally posted by the Bear:

  looks like you have more to gain than the lawyer thought..
  
  to put it very brutally, having him as your spouse would be detrimental to your children and yourself...
  
  

  in that case i'd better seek a second opinion.. probably at Legal Aid Bureau.
  
  and you're right.. every of us got very tense in the house when he used to be around in the house.
• the Bear

  2 Jul 05, 22:25

  do that..
  
  because sometimes, monetary gain isn't worth the mental torture...
  
  i hope you and your children will be well...
  
  

  Originally posted by commonsense:

  in that case i'd better seek a second opinion.. probably at Legal Aid Bureau.
  
  and you're right.. every of us got very tense in the house when he used to be around in the house.

• Magnus

  2 Jul 05, 22:33

  I am really surprise that your lawyer asked u not to sign the divorce papers.
  Yeah, you should go look for another lawyer.
  
  With 4 children to be in your custody, the fact that he is staying with his lover, and you have reported police before, you stand to gain.
  If he can't get the money to pay for the alimony, his girlfriend 'can help'.
  
• commonsense

  2 Jul 05, 22:34

  Originally posted by the Bear:

  do that..
  
  because sometimes, monetary gain isn't worth the mental torture...
  
  i hope you and your children will be well...
  
  

  hmm yes.. it's not worth it...
  
  thanks!
• sbst275

  2 Jul 05, 22:35

  As a guy, I depise such man...
  
  As for alimony, since he has a woman os, he is rightfully to pay as he is in the fault
• pisces8

  3 Jul 05, 07:20