to divorce or not to divorce? need advice.
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If u don't sign divorce papers, then he has to wait 3 yrs. before he can marry his gf.
Seek help from Legal Aid Bureau cos u don't have much money.
I think u should still get half share of the flat even though he paid for it.
The amt u get depends on the length of yr marriage & yr hubby's earning power.
As for alimony, don't expect to get any cos yr unscrupulous hubby can give excuse he is jobless & don't have the money.
It can be very stressful cos everytime he don't pay, u have to go court & chase for payment- my ex-colleague had this problem.
If u need financial help, can always speak to yr MP. -
I see your strength in this matter and hope the best for you. Sorry to hear of your predicament, but by virtue of the fact that you have forced yourself to clear your mind to make decisions that will better you and your children, i feel things will be better from now. hope you last the distance.
sorree, not much help in terms of legal advice. i'm not too sure myself. take care! -
actually the lawyer i saw was one who volunteered at AWARE. they have such regular sessions there to help advise women on legal matters.Originally posted by Magnus:I am really surprise that your lawyer asked u not to sign the divorce papers.
Yeah, you should go look for another lawyer.
With 4 children to be in your custody, the fact that he is staying with his lover, and you have reported police before, you stand to gain.
If he can't get the money to pay for the alimony, his girlfriend 'can help'.
i read the Sunday Times 's article which was about divorce payout.. that the law is not about punishment but equities.. and also, one of the factors being the lifestyle prior to divorce.. in the past he gives me just $500 for family expenses (minus the bills).. another lawyer friend told me that if he can prove that we can survive on just that amount in the past, the maintenance he has to pay likely would not be much more than that. never mind the fact that we lan lan try to survive on that $500 because he said the coy freeze OT wages due to poor economy.
man i feel so stupid typing this now.. how did i ever trust him to that extent.. grr.. -
erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me.Originally posted by gerrykoh:If u don't sign divorce papers, then he has to wait 3 yrs. before he can marry his gf.
Seek help from Legal Aid Bureau cos u don't have much money.
I think u should still get half share of the flat even though he paid for it.
The amt u get depends on the length of yr marriage & yr hubby's earning power.
As for alimony, don't expect to get any cos yr unscrupulous hubby can give excuse he is jobless & don't have the money.
It can be very stressful cos everytime he don't pay, u have to go court & chase for payment- my ex-colleague had this problem.
If u need financial help, can always speak to yr MP.
jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!
ok i won't be laughing if that day comes.
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Be prepared he will not pay maintenance.
Get your family/friends on your side to assist you
Get a job. -
thanks for your encouragement. i'm lucky that my kids are pretty close to me and young they may be, but they are pretty supportive. i too, hope i'll be able to last the distance. i'll want to see who has the last laugh.Originally posted by jOhO:I see your strength in this matter and hope the best for you. Sorry to hear of your predicament, but by virtue of the fact that you have forced yourself to clear your mind to make decisions that will better you and your children, i feel things will be better from now. hope you last the distance.
sorree, not much help in terms of legal advice. i'm not too sure myself. take care!
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[quote]Originally posted by commonsense:
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erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me.
jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!
What gerry meant is separation (I think). Under separation, he cannot marry the other women adn if he does, he can be further charged. His kid will be a "bastard" for the time being.
You actually had details of his adultery. Divorce is straightforward. Courts will rule in your favour but what happens in reality is never this way.
BTW, life here on will be very tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
And do speak with your kids about your decisions and help them understand.
Frankly, he's never been there for you - at least don't let yourself be treated so badly. I believe that the flat can be sold but how is the flat going to be divided is the question. You can rent from HDB those 1 room flats but you would really need to make do and squeeze your expenses. If there's a rule against that, you can go to the courts and get a letter or you can write in and appeal. -
Originally posted by commonsense:
What gerry meant is separation (I think). Under separation, he cannot marry the other women adn if he does, he can be further charged. His kid will be a "bastard" for the time being.
[b]
erm.. 4 years of separation if i don't sign the divorce papers. in fact, consider his abusive nature, i'm more worried about my life than not getting the alimony if i pushed him to breaking point.. so one of these days you see some headlines about local woman being chopped up blah blah.. it is possibly me.
jokes aside.. he has already warned about quitting his job and we not getting anything from him...... so probably one of these days you'll see headlines like a woman and 4 kids move all their barang barang to void deck.. lol!
You actually had details of his adultery. Divorce is straightforward. Courts will rule in your favour but what happens in reality is never this way.
BTW, life here on will be very tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
And do speak with your kids about your decisions and help them understand.
Frankly, he's never been there for you - at least don't let yourself be treated so badly. I believe that the flat can be sold but how is the flat going to be divided is the question. You can rent from HDB those 1 room flats but you would really need to make do and squeeze your expenses. If there's a rule against that, you can go to the courts and get a letter or you can write in and appeal. -
yo misty! thanks for those links.. i've already read through the sites.Originally posted by mistyblue:BTW, life here on will be very tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
And do speak with your kids about your decisions and help them understand.
Frankly, he's never been there for you - at least don't let yourself be treated so badly. I believe that the flat can be sold but how is the flat going to be divided is the question. You can rent from HDB those 1 room flats but you would really need to make do and squeeze your expenses. If there's a rule against that, you can go to the courts and get a letter or you can write in and appeal.
i've explained to my kids, esp. the elder 2. my eldest daughter was never on good terms with my hubby ever since he *KOK* her head with the cordless phone during a quarrel with me. that was years ago.
my elder son had been pretty neutral in the beginning (the father dotes on him most) but last week he tried to call him on HIS HP and found it diverted to the woman's HP instead, and she scolded my son right there for 'disturbing her peace'. i took over the phone and insisted my hubby to come to the phone (all this while my phone was on speaker's mode).. he took over and said brainless stuff to the extent like "so what if she scolded (myson)?!" .. well.. i didn't expect that kind of thing from him.. so i felt quite bad that my son heard it for himself what his father really is.
the reason i want to keep this flat is because, my parents and brothers live just a floor above our flat. they have been very great help to me all this while.. both financially and mentally. and in a way, i feel better that my kids can grow up in such an environment with fatherly roles (my bros are in their mid and late 20s) around them. it beats having to bring them up in a single-parent (myself) family without a fatherly role model for my sons esp. my hubby grew up in a single-parent family. his father and uncles are ALL womanizers and have mistresses and offsprings everywhere. i'm not joking. -
sometimes a bit of "pride" (a milder way of saying it, instead of saying "hate" which is way too strong i feel, for your case) can push u on, so good for u!Originally posted by commonsense:thanks for your encouragement. i'm lucky that my kids are pretty close to me and young they may be, but they are pretty supportive. i too, hope i'll be able to last the distance. i'll want to see who has the last laugh.
wonderful kids! had the pleasure of playing with a few kids this past weekend when i was shooting a wedding, all begged me to take their photos and show on the LCD to them.
i'm sure they bring u immense joy. focus on them.
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go ahead, divorce the sob...the house would most likely go to you, it's a matrimonial asset and local courts tend to favour mothers. get the 500 monthly deal an that's it...he can quit if he wants to but you can show cause that this is deliberate then he will squat in jail for 2 weeks every month.
at the end of the day, even if you get nothing out of this, it's still worth it. you get the emotional garbage out of your life and move on. the longer you linger, that's a likelyhood that your children may despise you too for clinging onto a deadbeat.
by the way, 4 kids at 31...you are brave... -
Well, try calling HDB for advice:Originally posted by commonsense:the reason i want to keep this flat is because, my parents and brothers live just a floor above our flat. they have been very great help to me all this while.. both financially and mentally. and in a way, i feel better that my kids can grow up in such an environment with fatherly roles (my bros are in their mid and late 20s) around them. it beats having to bring them up in a single-parent (myself) family without a fatherly role model for my sons esp. my hubby grew up in a single-parent family. his father and uncles are ALL womanizers and have mistresses and offsprings everywhere. i'm not joking.
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/isoa032p.nsf/infoweb?openframeset
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/isoa032p.nsf/infoweb?openframeset
And find out how to work out something for you. But are you sure that your ex-husband when he runs out of $ will not come back and harass you knowing you stay there?
Your husband wasted a chance to change his life around and having a bad background is not an excuse to screw his own family. He's unthankful for what he's got. But you got to get away from such a situation. Hopefully your son will never follow his footsteps. I feel its good he's hear it himself and learn to deal with it sooner than later.
I am sad for your situation. -
divorce on the ground of adultery and get half his assets. ask for a big alimony cos of the 4 kids.... no need to give face lor... freedom comes with a price tag....
dun let him drag.... he'll keep thinking u still need him and he'll have the upper hand....
live well and happy.... leave the suffering and beatings to the other woman...
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Originally posted by commonsense:
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[b]okz my hubby committed adultery and his other woman is now pregnant and pressuring him to divorce me. we were married for 11 yrs.
i muz say i hv been a gd mother and wife all these years and did nothing unforgiveable. his only grouse was that i am a housewife and cannot share his financial burden.
i know it is both of our fault that our marriage breaks down. i had given him the chance, and told him that if he is able to give up this woman, we can always start anew.
he tried to use delay tactic and said he needed time to consider (makes it sound like i'm begging him for a chance!duh!) and meanwhile living with the woman in a rented flat, paid for by the woman. so a month has passed and he said he is sticking to THEIR original decision.
so now.. i need advice.
- he is 32 and i am 31. he is not rich and earning about $2000/mth.
- i stick to him when he was bankrupt from 98 to 2001. and he was earning $800/mth and my parents paid for our utilities.
- he does not want my kids' custody. i do not intend to give him any.
- he is a wife-beater and i have ever made a police report at Alex.Hosp.
- he shows NO sign of guilt or remorse. in fact, he still feels he is doing the right thing 'living for himself' to quote him.
- the flat is the 2nd we bought. the first with both our CPF. this current one from his CPF alone. he wants to divorce so that i have to pay him his share of the flat. my kids and i definitely needs a roof over our heads.
Qn. how does this law work here?
my main qn. is, will a divorce benefits me and my kids?
i do not want to be so mercenery and end this relationship at a bad note. but, i am not financially independent yet and is now trying to. i have to protect my kids' interests and get a good bit of alimony outta him in the case of divorce. or maintenance in the case of no divorce.
thanks in advance for your advices.
Hi commonsense,
Really sympathise with your situation here. Been reading through your whole story. Please do not feel guilty or remorseful about making a choice in divorcing your husband. In my opinion, as a husband he should be supporting the household (you and your kids) and not use the excuse of "you not being to help him financially". Also, worst of all, is that he's having an affair outside. This kinda husband is a disgrace to all men.
Here's some of my personal advice for you:
Before you go on a divorce, there are matters which you need to prepare. Try to have a record book of your daily/monthly households expenses, keep all the reciepts of the bills you have paid.
Also, seek help from Legal Aid Bureau in your divorce matter, as they will be able to help you in getting lawyer aid at a subsidised rate.
When lodging in the divorce case, please be truthful with the lawyer and tell them everything. Regarding your husband having an affair outside with another woman and the woman is pregnant with his child; that previously you have ever lodged in a case of him abusing you at Alex. Hosp; how he abuses your kids; and you and your kids are constantly under emontional pressure when he's at home etc.
When the lawyer asks for the terms that you want. You can request for a Police Protection Warrant to deter him from further absuing you and your kids; also request for a Court Order for him to move out of the house immediately and not to stay together in the same house; your kids custody to be under your care; ask for a flat % divide of 70 (you):30 (your husband) and buy over his share of the flat; and also one lump sum of alimony from him (don't request for your alimony to be paid in installaments, b'cause guys like him will go MIA after paying a few months.).
Try to get the most money out of him, you and your kids still have a long way to go. You can always check out the women's charter to understand more of your rights as a woman.
http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/principles/act353/acts_act353_frame.htm -
i'm disturbed by the last stmt.Originally posted by tare:divorce on the ground of adultery and get half his assets. ask for a big alimony cos of the 4 kids.... no need to give face lor... freedom comes with a price tag....
dun let him drag.... he'll keep thinking u still need him and he'll have the upper hand....
live well and happy.... leave the suffering and beatings to the other woman...
i dun think the other woman should be subjected to such behavior, prob becos i dun think she is at fault...
i actually do hope he treats her well, if not another thread like this will surface again in a few years... and.. we'll go thru the cycle of saying the man's a bastard and she should leave him, go seek legal advise from so and so and call HDB and ... ok u get the point.
basically, it's the man's choice that has caused unhappiness to his wife (understmt of the year!). whether or not he causes the same unhappiness to the other woman, is not our call, and personally i hope he doesn't fu(k up twice in a row. -
"my hubby grew up in a single-parent family. his father and uncles are ALL womanizers and have mistresses and offsprings everywhere. i'm not joking."
just wondering why will you chose a guy like him in the first place?
If you knew that there is problems with his family why marry him?
Are you forced to marry him in the first place?
Just need to know to help others to avoid people like him. -
Originally posted by tare:
just want to tell you the same!
live well and happy.... leave the suffering and beatings to the other woman... [/b]
All the Best and TAke Great Care of yourself other than your kids!!!!
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Hello commonsense. I have read your tproblem and your concern. Many have ask you to leave that worthless piece of shit. However I like to let you know the power of you and your kids over him if he is still married to you.
As long as you and him is not divorce, he can sell the flat. Good, have a root over you and your kids. He can quit his job all he want. Now remember he is with another woman. So if he fail to give you the household money, take him to the family court and demand it from him there.
Since your heart already died best if he dont come home, why bother. But if he ever beat you, got to the hospital and make a police report and demand protection from him. Even if you dont get it, there is a record in the file that he did beat you up before so that the next time you can demand it more easily.
In simple word, if he is married to you and not willing to do a job of the man of the family, there are loopholes in Singapore that can happily make him end up in jail.
Regards -
perhaps i am evil...Originally posted by jOhO:i'm disturbed by the last stmt.
i dun think the other woman should be subjected to such behavior, prob becos i dun think she is at fault...
i actually do hope he treats her well, if not another thread like this will surface again in a few years... and.. we'll go thru the cycle of saying the man's a bastard and she should leave him, go seek legal advise from so and so and call HDB and ... ok u get the point.
basically, it's the man's choice that has caused unhappiness to his wife (understmt of the year!). whether or not he causes the same unhappiness to the other woman, is not our call, and personally i hope he doesn't fu(k up twice in a row.
but tis man with record of being a wife-beater, can abandone his wife of 11 yrs and 4 young kids.... would he change if the wife has been "changed"? i seriously doubt so....
if another thread surface, i would say, "now u noe how the previous wife felt..." ok i'm evil....
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No matter what I think the first thing u should do is go and consult a lawyer.
give them all the details... i don't think u should let the bastard off so easily BUT it is up to u how far u want to pursue this. BuT please just get back wat u rightfully should get for ur alimony and kids!!!
it sounds as if he does not want to pay alimony or pay much... no matter go consult a lawyer ASAP don't let this drag. i believe even if he quit his job he has to pay. but it's the matter of finding him....
but it can be tricky. cos my ex's father just dissappeared without paying so since no one can find him... there's no payment!!!
bottom line. CONSULT a LAWYER. they can advise you better. -
Try to settle everything in a more 'friendly' way. In the end it would just benefit everyone better.
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Hmm....
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The way you've done things.. It'll be difficult for things not to snowball into the mess it is today...
No matter what... Anger would only befall more anger often...? -
er.. i dun think possible lah cos she is like double his size..Originally posted by tare:live well and happy.... leave the suffering and beatings to the other woman...