advice needed
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jus need some of yr advice n comments ...
wad will u do if u realise that yr bf/husband went into porn? Will u try to confront him (ask him)? or jus pretend u dunno anything at all and let him carry on his doings? Will u believe in his explanation? how would u feel after u realise tat? Do u still show trust in him after wad had happen? -
If you cant stop him, join him.
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Why not you start off like a joke... and talk to him about it... see why he visits such sites...Originally posted by jolin80:jus need some of yr advice n comments ... wad will u do if u realise that yr bf/husband went into porn? Will u try to confront him (ask him)? or jus pretend u dunno anything at all and let him carry on his doings? Will u believe in his explanation? how would u feel after u realise tat? Do u still show trust in him after wad had happen?
if u are really uncomfortable with it, tell him so...
but bear in mind, it's better to be porn then third party!!! -
he dunno tat i know it long ago as i happen to walk pass him and oversee wad he is doin online i jus kept quiet ... pretend not to know anything
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i did ask him whether did he went into to such a site but he keep denying that he didnt... he didnt realised that i could trace from the history whether of he did so .... jus ask yourself who will be happy to find tat their partner went into such site ... who will feel comfortable abt it ...Originally posted by smudgey:Why not you start off like a joke... and talk to him about it... see why he visits such sites...
if u are really uncomfortable with it, tell him so...
but bear in mind, it's better to be porn then third party!!!
i really totally loss confident in maintaining this r/s, heart broken -
Is quite normal to surf to such sites once awhile. Most guys will go into these sites. Why are you so worried? Are you against these things because of some religious/moral reasons?Originally posted by jolin80:he dunno tat i know it long ago as i happen to walk pass him and oversee wad he is doin online i jus kept quiet ... pretend not to know anything -
To say the truth. It is quite norm now a days... my ex said it was his bro not him. my current say he doesn't but i take it with a pinch of salt... think about it...Originally posted by jolin80:i did ask him whether did he went into to such a site but he keep denying that he didnt... he didnt realised that i could trace from the history whether of he did so .... jus ask yourself who will be happy to find tat their partner went into such site ... who will feel comfortable abt it ...
i really totally loss confident in maintaining this r/s, heart broken
in all honest truth would you rather he started cheating on u instead? It's just boys being boys la...
P.S. how old are you and him? religion? just for background knowledge -
i understand that each and every guys has their own desire but i jus cant stand he prefer to lies to mi i really cant stand that and worst of all he's someone who i will spend my whole lifetime with if he could do this to mi wad else he wont do to mi .... i had been giving in so much to him and he is the one taking ... but wad i wan is someone to be truthfully to mi and show commitment to this r/s is tat so tough to accomplish?
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Most men have their own private sexual fantasy, and there are few men, including the married ones, who are not somehow attracted to pornography. Those I know who profess aversion to pornography are either men with strong moral and/or religious principles or simply liars.
Can't really advise you on this because I don't know of any way you could stop him from viewing pornographic materials without it affecting your relationship.
Most ladies are very much aware that their partners have had some contact with pornography, but they just act 'blur' -- just as they act 'blur' when their partners secretly ogle at other women on the streets. As one such lady aptly put it: "His eyes want to see, how to stop? Dig out his eyes meh? Aiya, so long as his eyes just see, hands don touch can already. Why kick up a fuss?" -
In a way I understand what you are feeling... however think about what he is feeling...Originally posted by jolin80:i understand that each and every guys has their own desire but i jus cant stand he prefer to lies to mi i really cant stand that and worst of all he's someone who i will spend my whole lifetime with if he could do this to mi wad else he wont do to mi .... i had been giving in so much to him and he is the one taking ... but wad i wan is someone to be truthfully to mi and show commitment to this r/s is tat so tough to accomplish?
1) the society we live in still views ppl who surf such sites as "perverted" "disgusting" "BIG BAD WOLF"
2) he prob knows you wouldn't like that fact about him.
he wouldn't want you to start viewing him as a "BIG BAD WOLF"... and alot of times he prob think of himself as disgusting for doing that...
Try telling him u don't mind if he surf such sites, tell him u know he does and it wouldn't change anything between u two... but don't be surprised if he still refuse to admit it... He probably doesn't want to acknowledge it. We all do some stuff we are not proud of... and at times we don't even want to acknowledge it to ourselves!!
just let him be... he's not hurting u nor himself... let him be
if u like slowly let him know he can tell u anything and u won't judge him. try surfing with him (if u are ok with it)
let him be. -
I guess ur husband belongs to the guys who dun wish for others to know of their darkest secrets, even closed ones. I mean they may feel embarassed to tell u and if he tell u, he may think that how will u think of him?Originally posted by jolin80:i understand that each and every guys has their own desire but i jus cant stand he prefer to lies to mi i really cant stand that and worst of all he's someone who i will spend my whole lifetime with if he could do this to mi wad else he wont do to mi .... i had been giving in so much to him and he is the one taking ... but wad i wan is someone to be truthfully to mi and show commitment to this r/s is tat so tough to accomplish? -
Such things happen...Originally posted by jolin80:i did ask him whether did he went into to such a site but he keep denying that he didnt... he didnt realised that i could trace from the history whether of he did so .... jus ask yourself who will be happy to find tat their partner went into such site ... who will feel comfortable abt it ...
i really totally loss confident in maintaining this r/s, heart broken
It's just how you see it and interpret his actions...
Are you disappointed because he surf porn or are you just upset because he choose to lie to you
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i do understand everyone has their own secrets privacy and stuff that they dun wish ppl to know ... well mabbie i should act "blur blur" from now on .. like wad been said if i really loves him i must learn to accept the fact and his everything..Originally posted by shaunlaw:I guess ur husband belongs to the guys who dun wish for others to know of their darkest secrets, even closed ones. I mean they may feel embarassed to tell u and if he tell u, he may think that how will u think of him? -
Do you expect him to come clean with you ?
Ok lets say one day he decides that It should be time to tell you.
" Hi honey I wish to confess something to you. I have been surfing porn behind your back and I love to do it so much."
Then what will you do ?
force him to stop ?
scold him?
give him the cold shoulder?
break up with him?
Come on lar you and I know is impossible to change him. You can only sucessfully force him to cut down only. -
to be honest i dun really mind tat he went to surf porn (as it's normal) but wad i cant stand is he rather prefer to lied to mi than telling mi the truth ... Yes i may be angry abt it but why must he lied to mi when i tried to confront him... WHY? wad am i to him? i really dun understand i cant sleep at all since then ... It a great dispappointed to miOriginally posted by Devil1976:Such things happen...
It's just how you see it and interpret his actions...
Are you disappointed because he surf porn or are you just upset because he choose to lie to you -
he prolly doesn't want to tell you the truth because he is afraid of your reactionOriginally posted by jolin80:to be honest i dun really mind tat he went to surf porn (as it's normal) but wad i cant stand is he rather prefer to lied to mi than telling mi the truth ... Yes i may be angry abt it but why must he lied to mi when i tried to confront him... WHY? wad am i to him? i really dun understand i cant sleep at all since then ... It a great dispappointed to mi -
its just his ego that is being the devilish voice inside him..telling him to deny this kinda thing.
maybe in his mind he still wants to be the good guy in ur impressions..
all humans have some form of obsessions of some sort.
never let this affect ur thinking of wat he perceived of u. since u both have been together for abt a year i guess that you must be really dear to him then.
stay positive
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he rather feel afraid of my reaction after i realised it than be worried of how hurt am i when i realised the whole things abt it i really really wish tat i could understand wad is in his mind and wad is his thought..... i cant imagine wad will happen next ... will there appear a third party from nowhere.....or our r/s will lights up red light??!!Originally posted by rainee:he prolly doesn't want to tell you the truth because he is afraid of your reaction -
the impression is gives mi had totally changed i not say he is the ideal guy that i am looking for but when u really loves someone there wont be a specific reason why u fall in love with him ... i get so pissed off because i do cherish him alot i had been trying my best to maintain this r/s well i had been tolerating all his nonsense and forgive for wad he had done but why he cant jus treat mi the way i treats him wad i ask for is his care love and pamper is that so hard to accomplish.... From that day i realise his act i cried i really cant control my tears i reeally wish tat i could forget eveything forget wad i had saw with my own eyes (Eventhru i saw it with my own eyes) It will bemuch beta not to know the truth *act blurr act stupid* for us than to have the curiousity to find out and to know everything ...Originally posted by agk_titan:its just his ego that is being the devilish voice inside him..telling him to deny this kinda thing.
maybe in his mind he still wants to be the good guy in ur impressions..
all humans have some form of obsessions of some sort.
never let this affect ur thinking of wat he perceived of u. since u both have been together for abt a year i guess that you must be really dear to him then.
stay positive 
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you worry too much...should learn to have a good heart to heart talk with him...should learn how to communicate with him and tell him that you do not like it when he is lying to you...Originally posted by jolin80:he rather feel afraid of my reaction after i realised it than be worried of how hurt am i when i realised the whole things abt it i really really wish tat i could understand wad is in his mind and wad is his thought..... i cant imagine wad will happen next ... will there appear a third party from nowhere.....or our r/s will lights up red light??!! -
well mabbie i over reacted who can really stand his loves one from lying to him/her....Originally posted by rainee:you worry too much...should learn to have a good heart to heart talk with him...should learn how to communicate with him and tell him that you do not like it when he is lying to you... -
Originally posted by rainee:you worry too much...should learn to have a good heart to heart talk with him...should learn how to communicate with him and tell him that you do not like it when he is lying to you...
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yes no one can stand it, but don't you think that instead of telling all of these to us here, it is better to tell it to him? Of course tell him when you have calmed down, it will not do both of you any good if you get worked up when you try to talk to him...Originally posted by jolin80:well mabbie i over reacted who can really stand his loves one from lying to him/her.... -
ya thanks for all yr advice raineeOriginally posted by rainee:yes no one can stand it, but don't you think that instead of telling all of these to us here, it is better to tell it to him? Of course tell him when you have calmed down, it will not do both of you any good if you get worked up when you try to talk to him... -
True but put urself in his shoes... if it was you who's surfing porn... would u find it easy to tell him so, and risk seeing the look of disgust (which is prob what he expect from u) in his eyes?Originally posted by jolin80:well mabbie i over reacted who can really stand his loves one from lying to him/her....
try to make it easier.... approach the topic in a more neutral way... try telling him ur 'curiosity' about such sites... or something...
don't take it too hard.... it's difficult to show anyone(even your loved ones) the skeleton in your closet... and at times when confronted about it off guarded you'll resort to lying... I'm not saying it's ok for him to lie abt it but... just put urself in his shoes