advice needed
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Well, I think if u dun like it, u can jsut tell him nicely. I mean I guess he is denying it bcos he dun wish to say it out directly. I mean mayb if u tell him that u dun mind him seeing all these, then he will tell u? Sometimes, a guys ego can make him hide even the silliest things.Originally posted by jolin80:i do understand everyone has their own secrets privacy and stuff that they dun wish ppl to know ... well mabbie i should act "blur blur" from now on .. like wad been said if i really loves him i must learn to accept the fact and his everything.. -
i understand wad u are trying to convert to mi but as wad i said earlier i dun really mind that he went on to surf that kinda of site wad pull off my nerves is why he chose to lied to mi when i tried to confront him? Can i show trust in him from nw on? mabbie wad u all said is right he jus dun wish mi to discover his darkest side of him he want the impression he had in mi to remain pure n natural.........Originally posted by smudgey:True but put urself in his shoes... if it was you who's surfing porn... would u find it easy to tell him so, and risk seeing the look of disgust (which is prob what he expect from u) in his eyes?
try to make it easier.... approach the topic in a more neutral way... try telling him ur 'curiosity' about such sites... or something...
don't take it too hard.... it's difficult to show anyone(even your loved ones) the skeleton in your closet... and at times when confronted about it off guarded you'll resort to lying... I'm not saying it's ok for him to lie abt it but... just put urself in his shoes -
maybe for u u are trying to confort him
but him he thinks that u are trying to 'confront' him...
best to talk abt it nicely -
i did ask him even tried ways to let him tell me the truth but he keep denyin it by telling mi he is playing pc game all the while i dun wish to catch him red handed it wont do good for anyone of us i dun wish to end up having a row with him due to that it dun make any sense out of it at all ...Originally posted by shaunlaw:Well, I think if u dun like it, u can jsut tell him nicely. I mean I guess he is denying it bcos he dun wish to say it out directly. I mean mayb if u tell him that u dun mind him seeing all these, then he will tell u? Sometimes, a guys ego can make him hide even the silliest things. -
mabbie we both lack of communicationOriginally posted by agk_titan:maybe for u u are trying to confort him
but him he thinks that u are trying to 'confront' him...
best to talk abt it nicely
but wad means in an relationship in ored for it to lasts long?
Commitment
Moral Trust
True Love
Am i asking for too much ? -
Just out of curosity, why did you have to "confront" him on it in the first place, if you didn't mind him surfing adult sites??? It may be the fact that you asked, that he got embarrased and denied it, in case you disapprove. Did you openly tell him that it was ok for you if he surfed adult sites?Originally posted by jolin80:i understand wad u are trying to convert to mi but as wad i said earlier i dun really mind that he went on to surf that kinda of site wad pull off my nerves is why he chose to lied to mi when i tried to confront him? Can i show trust in him from nw on? mabbie wad u all said is right he jus dun wish mi to discover his darkest side of him he want the impression he had in mi to remain pure n natural.........
Did he lie to you on other important occassions? -
i jus wan him to tell mi the truth but 'truth usually hurt us the most'Originally posted by golani_bde:Just out of curosity, why did you have to "confront" him on it in the first place, if you didn't mind him surfing adult sites??? It may be the fact that you asked, that he got embarrased and denied it, in case you disapprove. Did you openly tell him that it was ok for you if he surfed adult sites?
Did he lie to you on other important occassions? -
I was thinking if ur husband belongs to those guys who think telling a lie is better than truth for certain things. I mean I think he shld know u well that he tell a lie, ur reaction stil ok. But wat if he tells u the truth and t hen ur reaction is beyond his imagination? He may think how will his place in ur heart be affected?Originally posted by jolin80:i did ask him even tried ways to let him tell me the truth but he keep denyin it by telling mi he is playing pc game all the while i dun wish to catch him red handed it wont do good for anyone of us i dun wish to end up having a row with him due to that it dun make any sense out of it at all ...
At the same time, why do u insist him to tell u? I mean like what others say, u dun mind so how come u ask and wans him to tell u? I am thinking somehow u mind that and thats y u insist on him telling. This leads me to think that ur husband knows u will mind and thus decide not to tell to spoil the rls. -
I mean since u aready know the truth, y not let him be? I mean its not going to affect the relationship if he only surfs porn. Unless u mind him doing that. I mean its not as if hes going on a date with other girls and kept u in the dark.Originally posted by jolin80:i jus wan him to tell mi the truth but 'truth usually hurt us the most'
Somehow, I am thinking that u are feeling that if he dun tell u the truth regarding things, u will think that he will in the future go and do things behind ur back to betray u. I mean watching porn is actually a small matter.
I believe u are somehow feeling alittle insecure? -
well... for mi nw is dosent matter whether if i mind or dun ...or mabbie i mind tat in the first place it's beta not to force an closed chute cos u might nt know u may ends up hurting yrself
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ppl do says marriage is like a gamble You need to use yr money in order to gain something in return or even u may ends up being a loser tat goes the way like marriage we need to use our whole lifetime to place to the gambling table to gamble some win some may lose there is no guarrantee that u will always be the winnerOriginally posted by shaunlaw:I mean since u aready know the truth, y not let him be? I mean its not going to affect the relationship if he only surfs porn. Unless u mind him doing that. I mean its not as if hes going on a date with other girls and kept u in the dark.
Somehow, I am thinking that u are feeling that if he dun tell u the truth regarding things, u will think that he will in the future go and do things behind ur back to betray u. I mean watching porn is actually a small matter.
I believe u are somehow feeling alittle insecure?
yes i do admit i do feel insecure and i had tell him off tat and i'm afraid that he might ends up flirting around outside behind my back and betrays me as i had overheard alot of sad stories from ppl around mi -
Well,I beg to differ from ur definition of a marriage. I think its not a gamble. Its about putting commitement and trust into each others lives, not to mention love as well of cos.Originally posted by jolin80:ppl do says marriage is like a gamble You need to use yr money in order to gain something in return or even u may ends up being a loser tat goes the way like marriage we need to use our whole lifetime to place to the gambling table to gamble some win some may lose there is no guarrantee that u will always be the winner
yes i do admit i do feel insecure and i had tell him off tat and i'm afraid that he might ends up flirting around outside behind my back and betrays me as i had overheard alot of sad stories from ppl around mi
If u feel insecure, I think u shld have a good chat with him. I mean no one else other than him and u can solve this insecure for u. Sometimes its abt give and take. U have ur reasons to feel insecure but i do hope those stories that u hear are not one of the reasons.
The stories may be real or fake for all u know but no matter wat, they shld not influence the way u see ur marriage. I mean bcos of stories, u begin to think and think then u begin to doubt then problems come in.
I mean since u agree to marry him, I am sure u trust him. Y not maintain the trust? I think its all in the mentality. If u worry, u have to tell him. And after u tell him, he assures u and u stil dun believe, there basically no much he can do isnt it?
U remind me of my ex. My ex is often full of doubts no matter how much i assure her. I even went to the extent of giving my my frens back then jsut to earn her trust but in the end it was useless. It made me more miserable instead cos I did sth silly. Back then, I could hardly do anything. In the end, she was the one who ended the rls cos she feels she could not commit to it.
I think mayb u shld relax a little and give a little, take a little. If he can help with ur insecure, tell him. If not, I guess u have to overcome urself. But rem that marriage takes 2 to keep it on. Do have a good heart to heart chat with him. -
somehow girls tend to link watching porn with infidelity. They will extrapolate this (hu si luan siang) and think that if guys watch porn, they are fantasising about other woman and thus, have the intention to cheat on you. Maybe, as you said, this is cos of insecurity..
I rem when my gf found porn on my computer, she totally freaked out!! I had to spend days to pacify her.. and still, it din work. Eventually, it was her fren who saved me. cos she asked her guy fren about his opinion and he somehow convinced her that most guys watch porn.. For a guy, it's 2 different part of the brain, where watching porn does not mean that you will love some one less..
It's a different way that guys and girls are wired, i suppose. As long as the guy doesn't become too obsessed with it.
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Ya, I agree with what is said here. Relax..... I've been married for 10 years now and it has always been easier to have a frank talk coupled with lots of effort and commitment. BTW i surf pornOriginally posted by shaunlaw:Well,I beg to differ from ur definition of a marriage. I think its not a gamble. Its about putting commitement and trust into each others lives, not to mention love as well of cos.
If u feel insecure, I think u shld have a good chat with him. I mean no one else other than him and u can solve this insecure for u. Sometimes its abt give and take. U have ur reasons to feel insecure but i do hope those stories that u hear are not one of the reasons.
The stories may be real or fake for all u know but no matter wat, they shld not influence the way u see ur marriage. I mean bcos of stories, u begin to think and think then u begin to doubt then problems come in.
I mean since u agree to marry him, I am sure u trust him. Y not maintain the trust? I think its all in the mentality. If u worry, u have to tell him. And after u tell him, he assures u and u stil dun believe, there basically no much he can do isnt it?
U remind me of my ex. My ex is often full of doubts no matter how much i assure her. I even went to the extent of giving my my frens back then jsut to earn her trust but in the end it was useless. It made me more miserable instead cos I did sth silly. Back then, I could hardly do anything. In the end, she was the one who ended the rls cos she feels she could not commit to it.
I think mayb u shld relax a little and give a little, take a little. If he can help with ur insecure, tell him. If not, I guess u have to overcome urself. But rem that marriage takes 2 to keep it on. Do have a good heart to heart chat with him.
and so does my wife 
She in fact points out to me any sexy girls she happens to see while we are out shopping 
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There u go. This is a case of a successful marriage! Hope this can encourage u.Originally posted by golani_bde:Ya, I agree with what is said here. Relax..... I've been married for 10 years now and it has always been easier to have a frank talk coupled with lots of effort and commitment. BTW i surf porn and so does my wife She in fact points out to me any sexy girls she happens to see while we are out shopping -
communicate more.. and dun tink too much or read in too much..
sometimes step back one step and things will become clearer
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If your issue is about the porn and his refusal to admit it, you can try to confront him in an indirect and non-aggressive manner. Maybe in the throes of passion, ask him to show and demonstrate some moves he learnt from porn? Or, in the middle of a conversation, try to bring up the topic and ask him what fantasies he would like to try out with you in the sack. Don't ask him directly, e.g. "Have you watched porn before?". By asking questions that strongly hint that you already know his porn habits, I suppose the pressure placed on him will be less, and consequently he will be less fearful of revealing his innermost thoughts and desires to you like what a couple should be like.
However, if the real problem is something else in the relationship like negligence towards you (I hope not), I think you're just using his viewing of porn as a catalyst for your worries and frustration. If that's the case, you should be tackling the real issue at hand.
Don't give up on him so easily!
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It's really unhealthy to think in such a way... Not to mention that you're not really being fair to him to jump to such conclusions as to the possible actions he might take....?Originally posted by jolin80:he rather feel afraid of my reaction after i realised it than be worried of how hurt am i when i realised the whole things abt it i really really wish tat i could understand wad is in his mind and wad is his thought..... i cant imagine wad will happen next ... will there appear a third party from nowhere.....or our r/s will lights up red light??!!
You're probably a 'goody goody' sort of girl, and he thinks that you'll never be able to accept his sort of actions no matter what... Hence he insisted on lying to you...? Then again, people do often tell lies from time to time when there's a need to... It's not like he's really harbouring any real evil intentions while doing so...? In a relationship, it's often about 'give and take'... This bf of yours.. Or another one... Probably the same... Try to take things easy girl... Might be a long way to go...? -
I am extremely secure in myself, my partner and our relationship although I know he views pornographic material. It is never an issue of whether he loves me or whether it reflects negatively on his commitment or character. It is his male hormones on overdrive, acting out his sexual fantasy. On occassions, we
view these material together, express our sexual fantasies and role play it.
It is such a healthy avenue to be able to be open about sexuality, fantasty and share it with someone who loves me. -
Marriage is like gambling??
Gambling is a random game of chance.
Marriage is about choices & hard work.
For those who do not believe in marriage, probably you do not understand the 'hard work' part.