Hurting someone
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Hi.....im posting here in the hope that i would be able to get some useful advice.
I have a close friend whom i have known for nearly 3 yrs. He confessed to me 2 yrs ago that he did like me alot and hope that things btw us can progress beyond merely friendship. I was surprised at that time and i reacted by pretending that nothing ever happened and tried to avoid him for a few months....hoping that his feelings would change thru time.
However....a few months back, i sort of had this nagging feeling that he stil had some feelings for me as he kept asking me out and wanted to spend his bday alone with me. And he started giving me gifts with very obvious meanings....but the thing is ....i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise...
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don't lead him on and be firm on your decision. You will hurt him more by letting him think he has a chance. There is no way in life for any r/s not to hurt anyone... -
U r indeed a very caring and responsible gal. Some guys are very persistent, and thats because he really wans u to know how serious he is. Have a nice and serious chat with him, rather than ignoring him totally.
Like what a female friend of mine once told me abt a guy who chase after her but she didn't accept him becos there isnt any chemistry between them. She told him that she is still willing to go out for a nice dinner with him as long as he treats her as an ordinary friend, paying for their own meal. In short, there must be a distinct line drawn in between. -
avoiding someone is never a good idea. I think u have to stop hinting and tell him how you feel. if he truely loves you then he wont mind it and will still want to be your friend(so that he could at least be close to you and spend time with you). if u dont give it to him straight then...he'll just keep hoping and dreaming. and later it will be hard for him to let u go your own way( like when you get a bf)
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Make it SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD but SERIOUS. You don't want him as your bf or anything like that BUT you HOPE to keep him AS A FRIEND. Tell him you hope that he won't risk your friendship anymore. Thereafter....Originally posted by milktea:Hi.....im posting here in the hope that i would be able to get some useful advice.
I have a close friend whom i have known for nearly 3 yrs. He confessed to me 2 yrs ago that he did like me alot and hope that things btw us can progress beyond merely friendship. I was surprised at that time and i reacted by pretending that nothing ever happened and tried to avoid him for a few months....hoping that his feelings would change thru time.
However....a few months back, i sort of had this nagging feeling that he stil had some feelings for me as he kept asking me out and wanted to spend his bday alone with me. And he started giving me gifts with very obvious meanings....but the thing is ....i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise...
UNDERSTAND that 'hurting him' is NOT your choice... It's HIS CHOICE. -
simple..make croco your bf
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next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone.
It might hurt at first but is better than the long term pain.
Do not wish to teach you the slapping method cos it only works on guys who still got some brain cells left in their head. -
The method suggested in this post shall not be endorsed in any way.Originally posted by drx:next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone.
It might hurt at first but is better than the long term pain.
Do not wish to teach you the slapping method cos it only works on guys who still got some brain cells left in their head.
It is using childish means to prove a point.
Unless she is a child. Even if she's a child, its not right to treat another person with such disrespect.
Cheers -
u have to make it damn clear to him seriously that it is not possible for u two to be together in the near not distant future .Originally posted by milktea:Hi.....im posting here in the hope that i would be able to get some useful advice.
I have a close friend whom i have known for nearly 3 yrs. He confessed to me 2 yrs ago that he did like me alot and hope that things btw us can progress beyond merely friendship. I was surprised at that time and i reacted by pretending that nothing ever happened and tried to avoid him for a few months....hoping that his feelings would change thru time.
However....a few months back, i sort of had this nagging feeling that he stil had some feelings for me as he kept asking me out and wanted to spend his bday alone with me. And he started giving me gifts with very obvious meanings....but the thing is ....i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise... -
How do you bring across your point and not risk hurting him or losing him as a friend?Originally posted by milktea:Hi.....im posting here in the hope that i would be able to get some useful advice.
I have a close friend whom i have known for nearly 3 yrs. He confessed to me 2 yrs ago that he did like me alot and hope that things btw us can progress beyond merely friendship. I was surprised at that time and i reacted by pretending that nothing ever happened and tried to avoid him for a few months....hoping that his feelings would change thru time.
However....a few months back, i sort of had this nagging feeling that he stil had some feelings for me as he kept asking me out and wanted to spend his bday alone with me. And he started giving me gifts with very obvious meanings....but the thing is ....i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise...
Again, there are unseen variables.
The best way to bring your point across is communication, pure deliverance of message will ensure that listener gets how you feel and what you are trying to say.
Not risking hurt means not revealing to him that he's being rejected and there is not way to advance apart only being friends.
You have to decide what perspective you wish to have.
Look
When you confess rejection.
you are not the person who hurt him. He chose to feel hurt or not to.
Unless you tell me that you've led him on for sometime. Then it will be another lecture altogether.
Not hurt him and continue this saga?
Or Be a adult, tell the truth and free yourself.
Life principle
We all have to understand that when we are hurt because of others or circumstances. We chose to be hurt by it, because we are emotional beings.
But people didn't realise it is a choice, a decision to allow hurt to wound us or kill us.
It could also sting for awhile, again...it depends on individual of their decisions.
Hurt varies in amount, and it's all up to ourselves to deal with hurt.
There is nothing wrong with our decision to feel hurt. But if we allow IT to kill us. It is unwise.
Once again, When there is hurt. It is because we allowed it to hurt.
____ I hope you can ask yourself if you were to lose this friend, can you move on?
If you do, be prepared to lose this friend.
Well, if he took it well. You're fortunate to gain back a friend.
Cheers -
jz be frank n tell him u dun like him....
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"It is using childish means to prove a point.
Unless she is a child. Even if she's a child, its not right to treat another person with such disrespect."
Humm ok if my method is childish what do u suggest for her to do then?
tell him straight in the face?
just go ahead then since that is only method that is not childish. -
Tell you what, maybe i am really having problem with this post of yours. Take it that this is a personal attack.Originally posted by drx:"It is using childish means to prove a point.
Unless she is a child. Even if she's a child, its not right to treat another person with such disrespect."
Humm ok if my method is childish what do u suggest for her to do then?
tell him straight in the face?
just go ahead then since that is only method that is not childish.
Really, it doesn't matter to me. Pls do not take it that i am replying as a mod but purely a forumite.
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I'm not sure if you do know what will happen if a scenario really happens to be like what you've advised.Why like i've stated I will not and CANNOT endorse to your post earlier because it regards another PERSON's ESTEEM personal and confidence.
It regards public Shaming.
It regards immature handling of situation.
It regards RESPECT to other person.
It is a sheer disregard to another person's feelings.
There sure are ways to disregard a person's feelings. But this method is by far in my experience the most DownRight.
Can you imagine everywhere you walk on the street, you see one person proclaiming to the public he/she doesn't want to recipocate the other party?
Yes the message is delivered well and clear to the listener and public.
Is it Matured and respected?
As what expense was it done to solve the problem?
Does it have to succumb to such tactics which i only see in Ah Beng and Ah Lian couple quarrels?
Let me ask this question: IS there no other better solution than what you've posted? If there is, why did you post such alternative and not a better solution?
I'm sure any of the advices are less childish compared to that post.
Utmost Eagerness for your defense.
Cheers -
well, it seems to me that she's told the guy straight that she doesn't like him in that way, bt the guy still persists... it's a bit trickier since she still wants to be friends with him, but doesn't want to led him on and give him hopes...
i've been in the same shoes... my personal strategy is, tell him firmly and to the point that unless he can make himself see you as only a friend, you would rather stop all contact. there is no point in trying to stay friends when all he does is shower you with gifts and unwanted attention. it's not going to help him. i'll tell him to stop contacting me for a time being, sort things out with himself. if he can overcome those feelings and be sure that he can be my friend, and ONLY as friends, then i'll stick to the friendship. otherwise, i'll get over the loss of this friend.
but that's just me. cos personally, i don't know how to face a guy whom i know has feelings for me but i dun like him in that way. i will feel like everytime i'm asking a favour from him that i'm using his feelings for me. i don't like that kinda mixed signal stuff... -
Last para. Haha...common la.Originally posted by starblue:well, it seems to me that she's told the guy straight that she doesn't like him in that way, bt the guy still persists... it's a bit trickier since she still wants to be friends with him, but doesn't want to led him on and give him hopes...
i've been in the same shoes... my personal strategy is, tell him firmly and to the point that unless he can make himself see you as only a friend, you would rather stop all contact. there is no point in trying to stay friends when all he does is shower you with gifts and unwanted attention. it's not going to help him. i'll tell him to stop contacting me for a time being, sort things out with himself. if he can overcome those feelings and be sure that he can be my friend, and ONLY as friends, then i'll stick to the friendship. otherwise, i'll get over the loss of this friend.
but that's just me. cos personally, i don't know how to face a guy whom i know has feelings for me but i dun like him in that way. i will feel like everytime i'm asking a favour from him that i'm using his feelings for me. i don't like that kinda mixed signal stuff...
Cheers -
Originally posted by M©+square:
I've personally suggested this myself in one of the other threads. I think in some cases, we just have to 'harsh' to the other party to bring the message across. You can call it whatever, but this method does have its own hold and reasons in some more extreme cases... However, just to note...
Tell you what, maybe i am really having problem with this post of yours. Take it that this is a personal attack.
Really, it doesn't matter to me. Pls do not take it that i am replying as a mod but purely a forumite.
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I'm not sure if you do know what will happen if a scenario really happens to be like what you've advised.[b]Why like i've stated I will not and CANNOT endorse to your post earlier because it regards another PERSON's ESTEEM personal and confidence.
It regards public Shaming.
It regards immature handling of situation.
It regards RESPECT to other person.
It is a sheer disregard to another person's feelings.
There sure are ways to disregard a person's feelings. But this method is by far in my experience the most DownRight.
Can you imagine everywhere you walk on the street, you see one person proclaiming to the public he/she doesn't want to recipocate the other party?
Yes the message is delivered well and clear to the listener and public.
Is it Matured and respected?
As what expense was it done to solve the problem?
Does it have to succumb to such tactics which i only see in Ah Beng and Ah Lian couple quarrels?
Let me ask this question: IS there no other better solution than what you've posted? If there is, why did you post such alternative and not a better solution?
I'm sure any of the advices are less childish compared to that post.
Utmost Eagerness for your defense.
Cheers
[/b]
The topic starter has already suggested that she does not wish to hurt the other party. Hence this method is certainly not very much advisable in this case. -
from what i can see there's no way out.
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something similar happened to me too ..... i'm the guy .....
the friendship is over ......
he'll never get over you while you're still friends with him ..... imagine how he would feel when you yourself is attached in the future ? ...... if you want to be self-less about it, break everything off ...
sad but true ..... i know it's a pity .... but it's over ..... -
I agree.Originally posted by Devil1976:I've personally suggested this myself in one of the other threads. I think in some cases, we just have to 'harsh' to the other party to bring the message across. You can call it whatever, but this method does have its own hold and reasons in some more extreme cases... However, just to note...
The topic starter has already suggested that she does not wish to hurt the other party. Hence this method is certainly not very much advisable in this case.
Like we can see. This is not a extreme case. Therefore i will deem this method immature still.
With 'harsh' methods reaps unwise returns.
One have to be able to bear this 'returns' to execute the 'harsh' treatment.
Cheers -
Yes... Sometimes...Originally posted by M©+square:I agree.
Like we can see. This is not a extreme case. Therefore i will deem this method immature still.
With 'harsh' methods reaps unwise returns.
One have to be able to bear this 'returns' to execute the 'harsh' treatment.
Cheers -
Sometimes to which line i posted?Originally posted by Devil1976:Yes... Sometimes... -
hypocriteOriginally posted by M©+square:The method suggested in this post shall not be endorsed in any way.
It is using childish means to prove a point.
Unless she is a child. Even if she's a child, its not right to treat another person with such disrespect.
Cheers -
Originally posted by M©+square:Sometimes to which line i posted?Originally posted by M©+square:I agree.
Like we can see. This is not a extreme case. Therefore i will deem this method immature still.
With 'harsh' methods reaps unwise returns.
One have to be able to bear this 'returns' to execute the 'harsh' treatment.
Cheers -
Long time since anyone call me that.Originally posted by nonameleft:hypocrite
Yup, in some areas i am.
But i'm interested why you said that. Don't give one liner and siam ok?
Cheers -
not being childish here (sorree master MC!) but perhaps u could get a bf and he'll let up.
serious. some pple just won't give up until u're with someone else.
but of course u won't go into a reln just to drive the point home.
if u're ALREADY in a reln and he's still like this well... u can't have ur cake and eat it too. u'll have to lose him, friendship and everything.
u did mention to get him to stop, but still maintaining the friendship. not easy. u've been trying for how long again?