Hurting someone
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Hey jOho!!! Don't say sorry la.Originally posted by jOhO:not being childish here (sorree master MC!) but perhaps u could get a bf and he'll let up.
serious. some pple just won't give up until u're with someone else.
but of course u won't go into a reln just to drive the point home.
if u're ALREADY in a reln and he's still like this well... u can't have ur cake and eat it too. u'll have to lose him, friendship and everything.
u did mention to get him to stop, but still maintaining the friendship. not easy. u've been trying for how long again?
Getting a bf helps. She is under no obligation to seek her admirer's permission to get a bf, whether to solve the problem or for genuine courtship.
She didn't get to the point.....and he didn't get her hints.Originally posted by milktea:...i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise...
Some won't give up, so she still can have other ways to go about solving matters.
Don't have to destroy a person's dignity in the public/infront of friends.
Other ways:
Like Get a BF? (jOhO's)
Stop contacts
Give up the friendship entirely
Clear Cut rejection (Dev's, black_avarice's, BrUtUs's)
Declaration of rejection (drx's)
Get third parties help
Get a witness to straighten the situation and make it clear.
Not all methods come to happy ending. In fact, there is none.
But most are definitely more gracious.
Cheers -
Was in your shoes before.
My method is to stop all forms of contact with him- simply ignoring the fact that i once knew him. A bit harsh, but my fren crossed over the line as a fren. He acted as if he was my bf.
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Yes, pls explain or forever be banished.Originally posted by M©+square:Long time since anyone call me that.
Yup, in some areas i am.
But i'm interested why you said that. Don't give one liner and siam ok?
Cheers
Cheers -
Originally posted by Devil1976:Make it SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD but SERIOUS. You don't want him as your bf or anything like that BUT you HOPE to keep him AS A FRIEND. Tell him you hope that he won't risk your friendship anymore. Thereafter....
UNDERSTAND that 'hurting him' is NOT your choice... It's HIS CHOICE.
X2
You CAN'T stop him from loving you.
You CAN'T stop him from doing things to try and win you over (annoyed you as a result).
You CAN'T do anything to change his initial reason of liking.
Because it is his choice, when you have already did what you could to reject him, then just leave it. You don't have to ignore him purposely, when you can be VERY disinterested, with the exception of avoiding any virtual reply (i.e. SMS, MSN, etc). Reply with a one liner if circumstances is such that you have to speak, strong disinterested body language and such.
No man would have the endurance to withstand complete disinterest before they surrender. You must realise that it shouldn't bother you at all BECAUSE you don't like him and so whatever he wants to do, it's his business. The factors is such that you can't change them, so avoid thinking that because he can't move on from you, you are implicated into this as well. It isn't so unless you think that it will.
Cheers -
You already have 61 wives
Each wifey gets 5 days with you for the entire year
FeowFeowOriginally posted by sgboy2004:simple..make croco your bf
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Yepz i am all for ya idea . Might as well lose a friend if the atitude he has towards you no longer just pure friendship so how can still calll him a friendOriginally posted by starblue:well, it seems to me that she's told the guy straight that she doesn't like him in that way, bt the guy still persists... it's a bit trickier since she still wants to be friends with him, but doesn't want to led him on and give him hopes...
i've been in the same shoes... my personal strategy is, tell him firmly and to the point that unless he can make himself see you as only a friend, you would rather stop all contact. there is no point in trying to stay friends when all he does is shower you with gifts and unwanted attention. it's not going to help him. i'll tell him to stop contacting me for a time being, sort things out with himself. if he can overcome those feelings and be sure that he can be my friend, and ONLY as friends, then i'll stick to the friendship. otherwise, i'll get over the loss of this friend.
but that's just me. cos personally, i don't know how to face a guy whom i know has feelings for me but i dun like him in that way. i will feel like everytime i'm asking a favour from him that i'm using his feelings for me. i don't like that kinda mixed signal stuff... -
"i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did....."
Interested to ask, what did milktea do? To make him so hurt?
The above part is for milktea to answer only. Please do not think is a bad or childish or self destorying question. Just a simple no hidden meaning question.
My method of
"next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone."
it is not used to shame him or to destroy him or to lower the guy's personal self esteem and confidence.
If M©+square wish to feel that way, I will respect his wishes as I do not wish to fight with him over different views of this method.
If I want to break his so call self confidence of his love for her, I would have suggested a even far more cruel method.
My question is, would a guy really lose any of his self confidence over a rejection by a girl in front of her friends? Just curious if this method ever works so nicely, milktea would have no problems by now. Guys would have never succeed in chasing girls cos they are so afarid that they will lose their self esteem that they will not try cos they were scared to be rejected in front of their friends.
"Can you imagine everywhere you walk on the street, you see one person proclaiming to the public he/she doesn't want to recipocate the other party?
Yes the message is delivered well and clear to the listener and public.
Is it Matured and respected?
As what expense was it done to solve the problem? "
Yes I can imagine, so am I rite to say that a girl must say yes to a guy if he say
"I love you" in the public? In order to protect the guy's self confidence? If the girl does not love or like him she must do it against her will to protect him?
Wow next time I must go to any pretty lady and confess I love her, she will not reject me cos she is afarid I will lose my self esteem.
"Let me ask this question: IS there no other better solution than what you've posted? If there is, why did you post such alternative and not a better solution?"
Did I say this was the only solution? I only posted one possible solution,I have not even started on any other alternative yet and my first method was called childish already. If M©+square feels the method is so powerfull and will be able tp destory a person will power with it, I shall respect his advice and let him take over and post a better solution for milktea. I am a fair person and I will step aside and let him do wats best for milktea. -
drx, I think M©+square might have been harsh by calling your method childish, we are all here to brainstorm for milktea your method although harsh is still an idea.Originally posted by drx:My question is, would a guy really lose any of his self confidence over a rejection by a girl in front of her friends? Just curious if this method ever works so nicely, milktea would have no problems by now. Guys would have never succeed in chasing girls cos they are so afarid that they will lose their self esteem that they will not try cos they were scared to be rejected in front of their friends.
"Can you imagine everywhere you walk on the street, you see one person proclaiming to the public he/she doesn't want to recipocate the other party?
Yes the message is delivered well and clear to the listener and public.
Is it Matured and respected?
As what expense was it done to solve the problem? "
Yes I can imagine, so am I rite to say that a girl must say yes to a guy if he say
"I love you" in the public? In order to protect the guy's self confidence? If the girl does not love or like him she must do it against her will to protect him?
Wow next time I must go to any pretty lady and confess I love her, she will not reject me cos she is afarid I will lose my self esteem.
however, (please do not take this personally) I'm sure everyone here do not like to get slapped and rejected in privacy, in front of strangers much less our friends... and MOST people will be very hurted and humiliated when such a thing happens... which will prob. lead to fear of proclaiming their feelings the next time round... this is why, I think M©+square does not reccomand this method.
Please do not take comments here too personally, remember we are all here to try to help milktea select a suitable method to deal with her problems -
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Dear milktea, I was in such a position once, only difference is that the guy was my ex. he wanted to get back together, I didn't. He took it real hard... What I did was cut off all contact. till he got ever me and now we still hang out at times.Originally posted by milktea:Hi.....im posting here in the hope that i would be able to get some useful advice.
I have a close friend whom i have known for nearly 3 yrs. He confessed to me 2 yrs ago that he did like me alot and hope that things btw us can progress beyond merely friendship. I was surprised at that time and i reacted by pretending that nothing ever happened and tried to avoid him for a few months....hoping that his feelings would change thru time.
However....a few months back, i sort of had this nagging feeling that he stil had some feelings for me as he kept asking me out and wanted to spend his bday alone with me. And he started giving me gifts with very obvious meanings....but the thing is ....i dun feel anything for him at all even after all these yrs. I have tried dropping obvious hints such as asking him to go get a gf, refusing to spend valentines with him etc but he juz doesnt seem to get it....hence recently.....i have become very mean to him on purpose, doin things that i dun even do to ppl that i dun like.....now i feel so guilty cos he seemed to be rather hurt by wat i said and what i did.....
i really hope that he doesnt waste any more time on me........how do i bring across my point and not risk hurting him or losing him as my fren? pls advise... not being childish here (sorree master MC!) but perhaps u could get a bf and he'll let up.
I ever thought of using this tactic too. but I decided that since I've never lied to him in the past I will not start doing so now. in fact, I turned down a guy I quite liked because I didn't want my ex to think our breakup was due to a third party (which is true, I only gotten to know that guy after I broke up with my ex).
serious. some pple just won't give up until u're with someone else.
but of course u won't go into a reln just to drive the point home.
if u're ALREADY in a reln and he's still like this well... u can't have ur cake and eat it too. u'll have to lose him, friendship and everything.
u did mention to get him to stop, but still maintaining the friendship. not easy. u've been trying for how long again?
Bygones.
Milktea, What I suggest, is like the others. do not hint. TELL him straight. put your cards out on the table. make sure there's no way for him to mis-interprete. or if you can't bring yourself to tell him face to face, write him a letter. explaining how you feel,
tell him that if he continue to persue you, you'll have to break all contact. but your friendship is important to you. so when he have given up and is still willing to continue your friendship, you'll be more than happy to be friends again....
few things to note after sending him the letter:
1. no matter what response he gives (or no response) you'll have to keep your distance first. it doesn't matter if he decides to give up or not, it takes time to give up, and constantly seeing you doesn't help.
2. how long have you known each other, there's bound to be mutual friends. enlist a few of them to help you "look after him" as in go out with him talk to him so that he does not feel too alone without you in his life.
3. as mentioned by others before, be prepared to give this friendship up. as for some guys, they may find it embarrasing to face a gal who once rejected him. it's a pride thing.
4. last point, with regards to #1; keeping your distance means break off ALL contact. use your mutual friends as a informant to see if he's ready for you to reappear in group outings.
milktea, it's not easy to remain friends after such events, but with the help of mutual friends, it can be done... my friends helped me a lot. after about 7-8months, one friend even told me to stop worrying and join in their outings with him, that he's got another target now!!!
Time will heal. that's the truth!!! -
drx: my problem is not whether you are childish hence your post is childish or not. I understand where you're coming from and your logic of reasoning.
You have stated your point and i shall cease my arguement after this post. But there are still more to say, i suggest we better pour it all out than to leave it dangling. In matters of the heart;
There is no such thing as right solution. But only the BEST solution.
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My respond to the way of DECLARATION(as highlighted) is uncalled for.
This guy must really really be a pest and no brainer for such a method.
[In respond to drx's last para - It IS a(one of the) solution.] But if there is such a need for such way of rejecting a person. I would endorse. But for this, i cannot.My method of
"next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone."
it is not used to shame him or to destroy him or to lower the guy's personal self esteem and confidence.
If M©+square wish to feel that way, I will respect his wishes as I do not wish to fight with him over different views of this method.
If I want to break his so call self confidence of his love for her, I would have suggested a even far more cruel method.[/quote]
I might understand that your intention is NOT TO Shame or Destroy his esteem and confidence.
In fact i think the objective has been sounded out.
But does the listener feel the same? Can he see the objective?
I doubt.
We can't see what the actual situation is, so lets not assume that it is a minimal-infliction ground.Originally posted by drx:
next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone.
It might hurt at first but is better than the long term pain.
Do not wish to teach you the slapping method cos it only works on guys who still got some brain cells left in their head.
Because i am a person who believes in everything done, it should be gracious to oneself and to another. If milktea goes out with him together with a grp of friends. He pestered milktea, she got very pressured and frustrated of him. She declared to him: 'I don't like you, leave me alone'
All her friends witnessed it.
I will support her!!! Because she did that out of frustration and suffocation.
However, again i will say. She should have just be firm and cut all strings off in private.
If milktea was to plan a day where all her friends and him were to go for a group outing, milktea have in mind that she's going to do it infront of her friends.
Then i do not endorse it. It is disrespecting another person's feelings
Same method of execution BUT different motivation
He have the choice to fall in love. She have the power to decide on acceptance or not.
My question is, would a guy really lose any of his self confidence over a rejection by a girl in front of her friends?
Just curious if this method ever works so nicely, milktea would have no problems by now.
Guys would have never succeed in chasing girls cos they are so afarid that they will lose their self esteem that they will not try cos they were scared to be rejected in front of their friends.
His feelings for her is personal. It is a disrespect to declare rejection of his Personal feelings onto in front of friends/public.
My answer to your question: A guy/girl will lose a certain part of confidence if he/she is sane and normal.
It will regard to this as a failure or a courtship and might have a difficult time recovering.
To me these are called bad experience, etching onto the hall of failure in their list.
About Guy not succeeding in courtship cos they are scared of rejection in front of friends
--- Ha. That i'll leave it to you to answer. (Read last para)
Call him weak or whatsoever. But if one(milktea) can spare a life, one should.
You're taking it onto another extreme. You shouldn't take one example of mine and apply to all scenarios.
Yes I can imagine, so am I rite to say that a girl must say yes to a guy if he say
"I love you" in the public? In order to protect the guy's self confidence? If the girl does not love or like him she must do it against her will to protect him?
Wow next time I must go to any pretty lady and confess I love her, she will not reject me cos she is afarid I will lose my self esteem.
I haven't said anything about protecting him.
She does not have to protect him. If fact in this scenario. She willhave all the right to reject him, why?
Guy ask the girl in the public.
His personal feelings has been made known to the public.
It is in Girl's power of decision to act accordingly, Yes or no.
When girl rejects guy, she have the right to do so, because she is being brought to give an answer in the public.
Self esteem? The guy brought it to himself. HE CHOOSE that opportunity and he should face the consequences. My reason against support your method is ::: Will you want another person(girl) to Declare her rejection onto you in the public? I hope in my life i wouldn't face such method.
I'm sure you do not want to have to experience it.
Whatever slapping method or hurling insult or kiss the next guy or any worse methods.
It started between two person, let it end between two person.
Again, if it is possible for one to graciously spare, one should.
Do not do onto others if you do not want others to do onto you.
Cheers
[quote]Originally posted by nonameleft:hypocriteTo nonameleft: I don't mind being called a hypocrite because i am clear that i do not wish to encounter such instance of Being rejected in front of my friends and public that the girl i love/crush/attracted to does not love me.
I am clear to myself that
- there are times i was rushing into the bus even though i see many adults behind me.
- there are times when i sat in the train, and i missed elderly people out because i'm engrossed into reading a magazine or book.
- there are times when i put two dollars into a donation tin and tot i did great!
- there are times i called a long lost friend just for a favour.
Yup. I honestly say, i am a hypocrite.
Cheers
You can live a life of righteous
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To Milktea: BE firm and do what you have to do.
All the best. -
never say i am righteous alsoOriginally posted by M©+square:drx: my problem is not whether you are childish hence your post is childish or not. I understand where you're coming from and your logic of reasoning.
You have stated your point and i shall cease my arguement after this post. But there are still more to say, i suggest we better pour it all out than to leave it dangling. In matters of the heart;
There is no such thing as right solution. But only the BEST solution.
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My respond to the way of DECLARATION(as highlighted) is uncalled for.
This guy must really really be a pest and no brainer for such a method.
To nonameleft: I don't mind being called a hypocrite because i am clear that i do not wish to encounter such instance of Being rejected in front of my friends and public that the girl i love/crush/attracted to does not love me.
I am clear to myself that
- there are times i was rushing into the bus even though i see many adults behind me.
- there are times when i sat in the train, and i missed elderly people out because i'm engrossed into reading a magazine or book.
- there are times when i put two dollars into a donation tin and tot i did great!
- there are times i called a long lost friend just for a favour.
Yup. I honestly say, i am a hypocrite.
Cheers
You can live a life of righteous
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To Milktea: BE firm and do what you have to do.
All the best.
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Originally posted by nonameleft:never say i am righteous also
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Originally posted by M©+square:The method suggested in this post shall not be endorsed in any way.
It is using childish means to prove a point.
Unless she is a child. Even if she's a child, its not right to treat another person with such disrespect.
Cheers
x2.
even if u dun like a person, there's no reason for you to humiliate him/her. -
just wondering where has milktea gone to?
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maybe gone to solve her probs liaoz
n e ways i am for solving the problem privately if possible too . Guys pride is hurt quite easily so best not hurt it or else the guy might bear grudges . -
Originally posted by drx:just wondering where has milktea gone to?
ask axelheat..muz be go find kopi-o liao.
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May I suggest you do the extreme and go on a date with him... yaya I know you don't want to... but do so reluctantly...
Make all the decisions eg:: where to go blah blah, during the date and act disinterested all the way during the date.
I am sure he won't be happy to see you unhappy on the date and he should be able to leave you willingly and fufillingly since he already has a taste of what being with you is like.
That way he should leave you willingly and you won't hurt him at all.
Who noes... you might fall for him on that date? -
Sorry for the late reply.....
I took the chance 2 days ago to tell him straight that there wasnt a possiblity of us getting tog at all, not now and definitely not in the future too. He seemed to take it quite well at first and told me that he respects my decision.
The thing is....i think he has been trying to avoid me for these couple of days and now im beginning to believe tat he really cant bring himself to hang ard me anymore. I cant believe that our friendship is over juz bcos of this......it really sucks. -
woo.. similar experiences
what i did was
- tell him frankly, i do not have the same feel as him
- cut down contacts
- ask him to sort out his thoughts as i have already point out my feel
to keep me as friend or lose this friend
Sometime there isn't any choice i guess if the party is too stubborn.
But seriously dnt agree to humiliate him/her in public.
its always to better to feel hurt now then later right ?
Stand firm on our ground if there isn't any feel. -
Well, if he do not have 'friendship' all the while in his mind, it's usually very difficult to remain as friends.Originally posted by milktea:Sorry for the late reply.....
I took the chance 2 days ago to tell him straight that there wasnt a possiblity of us getting tog at all, not now and definitely not in the future too. He seemed to take it quite well at first and told me that he respects my decision.
The thing is....i think he has been trying to avoid me for these couple of days and now im beginning to believe tat he really cant bring himself to hang ard me anymore. I cant believe that our friendship is over juz bcos of this......it really sucks.
Yoiu have to be cruel to be kind. -
It takes a while for the guy to accept the fact, give him some time. I was in his shoes once and I suffer far worst than him.
I still remember when I was young when I was slapped in front of my friends and public by the girl who I loved so much cos I confess I love her.
I was so shook that I stood there wandering why I have done to deserve this?
Still remember the incident till today but I had already forgive her and we were the best of friends now.
It takes a while to forgive her, I took around 1 year just to stop hating her,
1 year to start talking to her.
Now that both of us were older, I asked her why she slapped me?
She said that she was too shocked by my action and decided to put a stop to it all and to wake up my idea.
Agree it was very hash lesson for me and I learned it the hard way.
I experienced the worst version of my own method of
"next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone."
I faced it all and learnt that sometimes a girl got to be bad in order to get the message across.
Sometimes I looked back and realise how silly I was but I do not regret it cos I got the guts to declare my love for the girl. -
I've experienced my fair share, however, my conclusion is opposite from yours.Originally posted by drx:It takes a while for the guy to accept the fact, give him some time. I was in his shoes once and I suffer far worst than him.
I still remember when I was young when I was slapped in front of my friends and public by the girl who I loved so much cos I confess I love her.
I was so shook that I stood there wandering why I have done to deserve this?
Still remember the incident till today but I had already forgive her and we were the best of friends now.
It takes a while to forgive her, I took around 1 year just to stop hating her,
1 year to start talking to her.
Now that both of us were older, I asked her why she slapped me?
She said that she was too shocked by my action and decided to put a stop to it all and to wake up my idea.
Agree it was very hash lesson for me and I learned it the hard way.
I experienced the worst version of my own method of
"next time when you go out for a group outing declare that you do not like him in front of everyone."
I faced it all and learnt that sometimes a girl got to be bad in order to get the message across.
Sometimes I looked back and realise how silly I was but I do not regret it cos I got the guts to declare my love for the girl.
Cheers -
Hey milktea... take it easy,Originally posted by milktea:Sorry for the late reply.....
I took the chance 2 days ago to tell him straight that there wasnt a possiblity of us getting tog at all, not now and definitely not in the future too. He seemed to take it quite well at first and told me that he respects my decision.
The thing is....i think he has been trying to avoid me for these couple of days and now im beginning to believe tat he really cant bring himself to hang ard me anymore. I cant believe that our friendship is over juz bcos of this......it really sucks.
he WAS being rejected. finding out the feelings you have for some one is not mutual, and can never be mutual... well you don't expect him to snap his fingers and be like "ok, I don't like you in that way anymore... let's just go out as friends.... hey... that girl is kinda cute... just my type... i wonder if she'll like me too..." no, right?
He'll have to spend time AWAY from you to get over you. maybe when he have moved on, u to can be friends again but then keyword is MAYBE.
an ex admirer of mine recently got back in touch after... 6 yrs, don't think it took him that long to get over me (i'm no goddess) but sometimes after moving on there is the mian zhi (pride) question. no matter how cruel/gentle you were, his pride will still be hurted. some guys get over that some guys don't.
don't be to sad... sometimes to help a friend you have to let him go. -
You chose to reject the BGR and now he can choose if he can accept the friendship?Originally posted by milktea:Sorry for the late reply.....
I took the chance 2 days ago to tell him straight that there wasnt a possiblity of us getting tog at all, not now and definitely not in the future too. He seemed to take it quite well at first and told me that he respects my decision.
The thing is....i think he has been trying to avoid me for these couple of days and now im beginning to believe tat he really cant bring himself to hang ard me anymore. I cant believe that our friendship is over juz bcos of this......it really sucks.
In all relationships, it would take at least 2 hands to clap.... Perhaps he just can't accept things for now? See how things go bah...? -
This reaction is ideal and good.Originally posted by milktea:Sorry for the late reply.....
I took the chance 2 days ago to tell him straight that there wasnt a possiblity of us getting tog at all, not now and definitely not in the future too. He seemed to take it quite well at first and told me that he respects my decision.
The thing is....i think he has been trying to avoid me for these couple of days and now im beginning to believe tat he really cant bring himself to hang ard me anymore. I cant believe that our friendship is over juz bcos of this......it really sucks.
Like what the above post said.
You cannot control what comes after that, let time tell.
Move on!
Cheers