Am i right?
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What should i do? I m really in a dilemma.
Recently i found out that my hubby has been sort of 'CHEATING" on me outside. Specially on Friday's nite. cuz i usually stay at hme on fri nite as i gotto work on Sat. Hence, he went out to pubs with his friends even though he knows he can do so on Sat taking me along.
Nevertheless, i trusted him so much until recently. I was really devastated when i found out that he was on very good terms with one of his married colleague. They chatted on the phone eveyday when i was at work, which lasted for 30min to 1 hr. and even has multiple sms to one & other everyday.
I found out when one fri nite he came back at 6am. That day i was sick, throwing up & having a bad flu. However, i asked him to take care of himself and enjoy cuz i felt that if i ask him to come back early, its oso useless, it won't cure my illness.
I waited from 11pm to 2pm at the void deck and quicklyawent home when 1 stranger came to approach me to be friends. I laid on the bed and tried to sleep but i cudn't. At around 4pm, i went downstairs again and waited till near 6am. Despite my multiple calls and sms, he didn't answer or reply. I was so worried that something bad might have happen to him.
I went home again to get prepared for work and the moment i stepped out of the lift when i was going out, i saw him....drunk and I began to question him. He merely replied that he went to pub then makan with his colleague.
I was doubtful and tried to check his HP call details. Then i saw him making calls to some numbers that i didn't know. I asked him y he nv answer my calls & all he replied was his HP low batt. I packed my clothings & decided to moved out.
He was lying on the bed restlessly and asked me not to go. I poured out my emotions and told him off.
All these yrs, i ve been treaying him like a king. I served him meals, pick up his laundries cuz he alwaz dump them on the floor when he comes back. Get his socks for him, paid for his expenses and bills. Even thou i got to work from 8.30 to 9.30pm, i alwaz make the effort to call him & buy dinner for him as he alwaz sleep when he came back from work.
Only now then i realised i m a fool. He didn't sleep when he came back, he was making calls to his married colleague whom has 2 kids.
How do i find out? I managed to get his call list and sms list n matched up all the calls they made.
Why do i do that?
Cuz after that fri incident, he promised to be better to me & i forgave him. But 3 days later, while he was asleep, i tried checking his HP. I knew he dun like it but i have no choice as i dun know wat he's doing behind my back.
& i saw a MESSage that shattered the vision of mine.
It says: No matter wat's ur decision, i will always care for u. You muz study hard and nv let urself fall ill again. I LOVE U!
I noted the number and realised it was the name of the colleague whom he mentioned to me before cuz she was the prettiest in his company.
That night, while he was sleeping, i packed up all my belongings and left the house with lots of bag. I met my good friend & sat down for a chat. She tried to console me that things might not be as bad as i tot. That night was another sleepless one. I spent the whole night checking out the numer of calls and sms they made and tried to match them up one by one.
The next morning, he called me as he cudn't find me. I avoided his calls for 1 hour. And finally on my way to work, i answered. I told he that i will go. He was shocked as he didm't know wat was happening. He nv know that i will have a list of the info. he kept begging me to come backand promised that he will change. I questioned about his colleague and he was so afraid that i might ring her up as she has a family.
Then i told him, since u r afraid of hurting her and not me, then let me go. I ve u but not ur heart......u ve changed. No wonder u treated me so badly. Whenever i buy food for u at night, u r sleeping and by the time u wake up, u complained tat the food is cold and juz have a mouthful and go back to sleep. We have very little conversation and he alwaz tells me he is tired.
I am so sad. I felt so foolish, thinking that he's really tired.....on the other side, he's chatting with that woman before i reach home. Usually, when he charge his hp, he always leave it on a chair, now he hide it under his pillow.. sighz....
That morning when he called me, i told him that i knew everything, he was shocked and only after much questionings, he revealed the truth. He said that his colleague is in love with him. But only when the night i choose to leave him, then he wakes up and realised my importance which he nv did in the past.........He said that he didn't touch or went out wif her at all. Merely sms and chatting on the phone. He said that he has no feelings for her. I told him if he has no feelings for her, then i dun find a need for them to sms each other everyday or chat on the phone everyday for so long! Whenever i call him, he will tell me he's busy la. Then how come he's free to chatt with her for so long?????
I told him my heart is shattered and if he wants the kind of thrill go ahead, i will set him free. He broke down and cried begging for my forgiveness. Then thru the call list, i found a few numbers that he called frequently too. I tried dialing them n found out they r all gals!!! This time i was firm to leave him.
I wanted to stay, but i cudn't find any good reason to do so..He dun love me anymore, our lifes has become stagnant. He resorts to knowing other new gals at pub on Fri nights and chatting wif his married colleague to ease his stresses at work and studies. I understand, thats y he choose to keep me in the dark. He said that he's afaid that i will be angry. N i told him off that if he's afraid that i will be furious, then in the first place, he shouldn't have done so!!
He kept denying abt the gals he befriend with and in the end, when i threatended to call them up one by one, then he confessed. He kept begging me not to go cuz he cannot dun ve me. But i told him straight that he will be able to find a better one. He's juz used to our relationshio and do not love me anymore. It's a kind of habit to be together..Anyway being together with him, he had forced me to be so independent and i can take care of myself.
We already ROM, juz that we have yet to hold the wedding dinner. SO he kept saying that he will talk to his parents abt it and we will applied for a house. I told him... what for??? Everynight, i sleep with a GREAT PRETENDER and thought that he was really tired and stressful... I had nv felt so foolish at all. I even gave him $$ to go to pub, afraid that he dun have enough.... Now all i get is.......................hurt. -
Now i m back with him but feeling very insecure as i dun know when he will stray again. He promised that he will changed n be better to me. He said that he knows who is really good to him and he has found the person, that's me. I stayed as i really love him...so much to the extent that i sacrifice all time time for him and nv go out with my friens at all.
I really duno what i ve choose is right or wrong. Afterall, i still love him, to me, he's my life, he's my everything....but to him? Only that day he begged me and told me that he was wrong. He nv felt so scared of losing me in the past.
Hope that it's not another one of his lies. I will die if he gave me another sudden blow!! -
Look into the reasons why he is cheating on you.
Make amends on that.
Sometimes the fault lies not with one party, but both.
Repair the damages, though gaining trust takes a longer time.
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Hi kiekie...
have a hug
~HUG HUG HUG~ -
Yes, i know why he strays and he sweared to be knocked down by vechicles if he ever touches or go out with them.Originally posted by Nelstar:Look into the reasons why he is cheating on you.
Make amends on that.
Sometimes the fault lies not with one party, but both.
Repair the damages, though gaining trust takes a longer time.
Being soft hearted, i choose to believe him once more cuz i really loves him. I told myself that i ve to learn to let go of his wrong doings and willl nv bring them up for a quarrel.
In fact I am at fault too cuz i pampered him too much, always trying to give him all he wants and allow him to have too much freedom and spoilt him. He nv help out with household chores at all........and i nv ask him to do, cuz i tot he's tired. SO everyday, i did it myself. It's me that makes these become a habit for him..a bad one.. that he took me for granted. I am crying now....
You know last night when we got together again, i dun dare to look at his face... cuz whenever i look at him, thethoughts of him calling n chatting, messenging and befriending other gals will pop up in mind mine again and again...
I m so saddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd..........................
huhhhhhhhhhhhwooooooooo Cry......
What have i done to deserve all this setbacks???
My friends say that i shouldn't be as gd to him as before. But i really can't bring myself to do that.
Last night, he went to study, fearing that he may be hungry, i went o buy food for him...i noe i shouldn't. and he came to the kopitiam to fetch me which he nv did before. I know he;s trying to change... and i can't help feeling that its because his guilty conscious that's y he's good to me... -
well..everyone deserve a second chance... keep forgiving.. it helps
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I think its because he's pretty lonely considering the work shifts that clashes..
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Thanks i really need a shoulder to cry on. In fact, i know i shouldn't stay but i can't..................i m so weak. All my life revolves around him......Originally posted by alexkusu:Hi kiekie...
have a hug
~HUG HUG HUG~ -
your trust is broken
your husband has to repair it but if he is not. Then move on with your life. -
U r right.... but if i dun hold on 2 jobs, then our income will be lesser. In the past, he only cares about what he wants, where he wana go.... n nv tot of me. Can tell u, he nv, not even once, accopmany me to go shopping. Partly is because i nv ask him, cuz i know he will be bored, U see the picture? i pamper him too much and alwaz think of his feelings before mine. That's y he became lidat...dunn know how to appreciate what i have done for him..............He can easily find another gal outside but I can say he will nv find another one like me.Originally posted by stellazio:I think its because he's pretty lonely considering the work shifts that clashes.. -
well...your only human. Well, just wait a few momments and a professional counsellor called Yunhaier will be with you shortly. Hopefully you will have the strength and clear judgement on what to do next.Originally posted by kiekie:Thanks i really need a shoulder to cry on. In fact, i know i shouldn't stay but i can't..................i m so weak. All my life revolves around him...... -
There is no right or wrong but your heart would tell you the best.
If your heart is telling you to stay, and give him a second chance, then accept it though chances of a repeat may be high.
Make sure you're not the only one making amends. He should also play his part and his role in the relationship. Giving everything in to him will only make those efforts worthless, since whatever he wants he gets.
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I think he realizes now,cause "you never know what you're really missing until you miss it"..And this is true,anyway he's flirting behind your back seems like a mild case,and for the problems u listed above like not enough time spent together,i feel that it can be remedied..Difffculty rating 4/10..Jiayou,but remember it takes 2 hands to clap,so if he's not gonna give himself and you another chance just forget him,i'm sure that there will be someone else who is much more appreciative of your kind loving heart..Originally posted by kiekie:U r right.... but if i dun hold on 2 jobs, then our income will be lesser. In the past, he only cares about what he wants, where he wana go.... n nv tot of me. Can tell u, he nv, not even once, accopmany me to go shopping. Partly is because i nv ask him, cuz i know he will be bored, U see the picture? i pamper him too much and alwaz think of his feelings before mine. That's y he became lidat...dunn know how to appreciate what i have done for him..............He can easily find another gal outside but I can say he will nv find another one like me. -
live your own life....Originally posted by kiekie:Thanks i really need a shoulder to cry on. In fact, i know i shouldn't stay but i can't..................i m so weak. All my life revolves around him......
find your own hobbies and friends ... -
Sometimes i tot of finding another guy outside, who is wiling to marry me and loves me and takes gd care of me.. which he nv does. He's not the type who will shower gifts on special occasions or show his love, which i believe most guys r lidat, am i right? It's their ego. But the thing is like even a have u eaten? R u tired? How's ur day oso dun ve...can u stand in my position to visualize??
Whereas he has time to chatt with the married colleague for so long and even everyday...when i call him, he will tell me call u back later which he seldom does.. or i m busy....sad -
I ve tot of that, but it's quite impossible. Cuz i ve few friends and seldom meet. They nv ask me out cuz they know i cannot make it. I ve lost my circle of friends and how do i make more friend? i work in an office with only my boss and his wife and gave tuition at night... I ve no time...and i dun wish to betray him.Originally posted by mistyblue:live your own life....
find your own hobbies and friends ... -
go join a club... gardening club, book club, church group..etc.
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I'm sure there are many guys here who would love to know you..
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he takes you for granted ... you indirectly supported him.Originally posted by kiekie:Sometimes i tot of finding another guy outside, who is wiling to marry me and loves me and takes gd care of me.. which he nv does. He's not the type who will shower gifts on special occasions or show his love, which i believe most guys r lidat, am i right? It's their ego. But the thing is like even a have u eaten? R u tired? How's ur day oso dun ve...can u stand in my position to visualize??
Whereas he has time to chatt with the married colleague for so long and even everyday...when i call him, he will tell me call u back later which he seldom does.. or i m busy....sad
you have become unhappy and that flows into your life...
then he use it as an excuse to go find some excitement or whatever and will justify it
I've seen my colleague (her husband) and my parents (their only son) living with such a kind of person and they are very very unhappy. My parents are intending to move out and rent from HDB the moment they can take their name out from his flat. My colleague focus her enegry on her kids to distract herself from the r/s.
Take some time out and be firm. Think about what you want in your life. Can you take this sh!t for long term and can he really change for the "better" ..
If what you want out of your life is not forth coming in this one and you had given enough time and chance
Be prepared to move on. Because in my view, a leopard never change its spots -
He begged me to give him 2 months and he will leave his present company as he needs to work for 2 months after tendering his resignation letter. He told me that he will do anything to win me back. I told him not to quit as his project is related to his present job... Intially, i asked him to call the married woman out since he cannot resolve the problem, but he still ve to work together with her, it's kind of awkard for them when they see each other, so i ve to wait.....................................wahhhhhhhhhh.....cry............Originally posted by mistyblue:he takes you for granted ... you indirectly supported him.
you have become unhappy and that flows into your life...
then he use it as an excuse to go find some excitement or whatever and will justify it
I've seen my colleague (her husband) and my parents (their only son) living with such a kind of person and they are very very unhappy. My parents are intending to move out and rent from HDB the moment they can take their name out from his flat. My colleague focus her enegry on her kids to distract herself from the r/s.
Take some time out and be firm. Think about what you want in your life. Can you take this sh!t for long term and can he really change for the "better" ..
If what you want out of your life is not forth coming in this one and you had given enough time and chance
Be prepared to move on. Because in my view, a leopard never change its spots -
read your thread...and i really can't stop myself from loging on to post...oops i break my words to myself.. (don't bother to know y tho)Originally posted by kiekie:Sometimes i tot of finding another guy outside, who is wiling to marry me and loves me and takes gd care of me.. which he nv does. He's not the type who will shower gifts on special occasions or show his love, which i believe most guys r lidat, am i right? It's their ego. But the thing is like even a have u eaten? R u tired? How's ur day oso dun ve...can u stand in my position to visualize??
Whereas he has time to chatt with the married colleague for so long and even everyday...when i call him, he will tell me call u back later which he seldom does.. or i m busy....sad
seriously kiekie, whether spouse is willing to do things for u also depend verymuch on how u 'play the game' if u choose to spoil them, even a goody one will stand on your head and SHI T!
if he can hv the money to go pub, meaning your finances are fine?? i don't know,....y do u hv to take on such a big role??? let the man do it! u are spoiling him...please if you want a better life for yourself....u hv to learn to know what u need to do and what u don't need to.....u hv to give him a chance to proof his love for u....don't just give and give.......
that's all i can say...
Best of Luck to U!
ok....sneaking off........shhhhhh -
not asking you to betray him. Do not stoop that low and know that you do not need to be spiteful.Originally posted by kiekie:I ve tot of that, but it's quite impossible. Cuz i ve few friends and seldom meet. They nv ask me out cuz they know i cannot make it. I ve lost my circle of friends and how do i make more friend? i work in an office with only my boss and his wife and gave tuition at night... I ve no time...and i dun wish to betray him.
You can make new friends? You can take vacation? You have weekends? You can go exercising? You can read a book? You can don't do all the housework ? You can just book yourself into a hotel for a couple of days and use the gym or swimming facilities and just to be pampered?
You can call your family and do things? You can do lots and its just time management.
The moment you think its impossible. You have lost the battle.
My take is that if you are unhappy and not willing to waste anymore or this short time on earth with a unhappy r/s by your confession .. I will have to take it you are willing to make some changes in your life and even bear with the consequences. And I have to tell you, that if you do not take the first step, no matter what we say, its all useless garbage - and bear in mind no one can help you except yourself. If its only to rant then so be it - then its really end of suggestions... we can read but not really suggest things
The one thing all women do when they get hitch is to ditch their friends. Then when they need help, they cannot find any. -
Originally posted by a_splash:read your thread...and i really can't stop myself from loging on to post...oops i break my words to myself.. (don't bother to know y tho)
seriously kiekie, whether spouse is willing to do things for u also depend verymuch on how u 'play the game' if u choose to spoil them, even a goody one will stand on your head and SHI T!
if he can hv the money to go pub, meaning your finances are fine?? i don't know,....y do u hv to take on such a big role??? let the man do it! u are spoiling him...please if you want a better life for yourself....u hv to learn to know what u need to do and what u don't need to.....u hv to give him a chance to proof his love for u....don't just give and give.......
that's all i can say...
Best of Luck to U!
ok....sneaking off........shhhhhh
I gave him $ to go to pub.....All my fault for spoiling him...I m very confused now. Everyday i cry to sleep, cry in office, during tuition , i muz tried to crack jokes to make my students feel happy... and go to toilet n cry.... should i stay or walk away?? I m scared if i ever found out another one..... -
In that 2 monthsOriginally posted by kiekie:He begged me to give him 2 months and he will leave his present company as he needs to work for 2 months after tendering his resignation letter. He told me that he will do anything to win me back. I told him not to quit as his project is related to his present job... Intially, i asked him to call the married woman out since he cannot resolve the problem, but he still ve to work together with her, it's kind of awkard for them when they see each other, so i ve to wait.....................................wahhhhhhhhhh.....cry............
- not very long ... not very short.
Can you wait? What is your expected outcome of their meeting? When and where is the meeting and should you join in the meeting?
Do you want to save your R/s?
You need to be clear and specific with him on how to "Win" you back
Not half hearted effort ... not meaningless actions that help him "Reduce" his guilty and have you continue as his free maid and (very bluntly) sex-object when he needs it.
You also need to be very objective what constitude a transgression and what is not to You cause to many people - SMS/say lovey dovy things or having an emotional r/s with another person might be interpreted as - "Simply Friends"
What does he have to do to build back what he had destroyed - ie answer your calls.
What else would you need to monitor and you need him to open up to let you know he can be trusted?
What else you need to find out from him where the r/s break down and he seek outside avenues.
And you also have to do your part. Do not be the maid. Do not give him $. Do not let him think you have no other options than to be with him. Do not go soft and let him have his way around you again. Do let him know the hurt and unhappiness he had caused. -
Thanks for ur advice. U r right, i got to take the first step. But i dun how....... now he must be thinking that i come back can already and feel at ease. If i started making new friends or wat...will he feel that i changed? I am scared that he will be unhappy... and then he will stray again.Originally posted by mistyblue:not asking you to betray him. Do not stoop that low and know that you do not need to be spiteful.
You can make new friends? You can take vacation? You have weekends? You can go exercising? You can read a book? You can don't do all the housework ? You can just book yourself into a hotel for a couple of days and use the gym or swimming facilities and just to be pampered?
You can call your family and do things? You can do lots and its just time management.
The moment you think its impossible. You have lost the battle.
My take is that if you are unhappy and not willing to waste anymore or this short time on earth with a unhappy r/s by your confession .. I will have to take it you are willing to make some changes in your life and even bear with the consequences. And I have to tell you, that if you do not take the first step, no matter what we say, its all useless garbage - and bear in mind no one can help you except yourself. If its only to rant then so be it - then its really end of suggestions... we can read but not really suggest things
The one thing all women do when they get hitch is to ditch their friends. Then when they need help, they cannot find any.