Am i right?
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Thanks misty. ur advice is great. But if i dun do the chores, the house will be like a garbage....Originally posted by mistyblue:In that 2 months
- not very long ... not very short.
Can you wait? What is your expected outcome of their meeting? When and where is the meeting and should you join in the meeting?
Do you want to save your R/s?
You need to be clear and specific with him on how to "Win" you back
Not half hearted effort ... not meaningless actions that help him "Reduce" his guilty and have you continue as his free maid and (very bluntly) sex-object when he needs it.
You also need to be very objective what constitude a transgression and what is not to You cause to many people - SMS/say lovey dovy things or having an emotional r/s with another person might be interpreted as - "Simply Friends"
What does he have to do to build back what he had destroyed - ie answer your calls.
What else would you need to monitor and you need him to open up to let you know he can be trusted?
What else you need to find out from him where the r/s break down and he seek outside avenues.
And you also have to do your part. Do not be the maid. Do not give him $. Do not let him think you have no other options than to be with him. Do not go soft and let him have his way around you again. Do let him know the hurt and unhappiness he had caused.
If i dun give him $ i scared he no $ to spend........ 
Do i sound more like a mother to him? 
That night i packed my things and go, i checked his wallet and found a couple of $2 only, so i squeezed in $50 for him... i m a weakling -
hi kiekie... read through ur problem and i felt really sad for you. you seriously do that deserve this unfair treatment from your husband... i dont get it, why is it him that gets away with all the mean stuff he has done in the past and you to bear all the emotional pain? *sigh* anyway, i really admire ur unrequitted love for him... he's one lucky fella to have u as his wifey.
actually i was wondering.. when the both of you were dating, did he treat you like a princess..? he changed after the marriage is it? i think the reason why he contacted other ladies was becos he took ur love for him for granted..
well, now thats its all over, and he is trying his best to show u that he's change, i hope he treasures this chance and not repeat his mistake any longer..
stay strong k ?
*hugs* -
ease - meaning he feel you had forgiven and not try anymore? or have you made known that you moving back do not mean you are forgiving him but giving him one chance ... its different interpretation that is going to complicate things. Lots of people mis-interprete actionsOriginally posted by kiekie:Thanks for ur advice. U r right, i got to take the first step. But i dun how....... now he must be thinking that i come back can already and feel at ease. If i started making new friends or wat...will he feel that i changed? I am scared that he will be unhappy... and then he will stray again.
Your own friends is really your life. He has his friends what.. and you didn't even question him. You mean you are afraid he's not going to trust you with your friends? Then why should you trust him with any friends?
You mean you don't have the freedom to have friends and he should be worried?
I think you think too much. Going out with your Female or Male friends for Coffee or movie is Ok ... if you don't feel good, go in a group. Or attend group functions like this forum outings or ask your friends out .. whatever. You need to get away sometimes and enjoy your life a bit. If he wants to tie you down and suspect you and isolate you ... then I wodner if he understand trust and r/s at all.
BTW, Is the level of communication satisfactory in your r/s. If its not, its also something to work at. -
He dun treat me like a princess la..Originally posted by papercut87:hi kiekie... read through ur problem and i felt really sad for you. you seriously do that deserve this unfair treatment from your husband... i dont get it, why is it him that gets away with all the mean stuff he has done in the past and you to bear all the emotional pain? *sigh* anyway, i really admire ur unrequitted love for him... he's one lucky fella to have u as his wifey.
actually i was wondering.. when the both of you were dating, did he treat you like a princess..? he changed after the marriage is it? i think the reason why he contacted other ladies was becos he took ur love for him for granted..
well, now thats its all over, and he is trying his best to show u that he's change, i hope he treasures this chance and not repeat his mistake any longer..
stay strong k ? *hugs*
keke.. juz more caring and show more affection. Yesterday, he kept calling me as he didn't go to work because i was missing.... I dun dare to tell my family abt it and i will not cuz i dun want them to worry for me. During dating... we aren't like other couples who will watch movies.. infact we only watched thrice for these 4yrs. We go out with his friends, have short vacation trips... watch drama series at home and have a huge collection of toys.. and swords. All r his interest..which i tried my best to follow and shown interest in. Maybe i m too boring as i alwaz dun request for anything.
I m not the type who will tell him hey i wana buy this or that or i wana eat this or that. I m not, i rather go shopping alone while he meet up with his frens....... -
I think i should get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Yup.. you should. perhaps you should try reverse psychology on him.Originally posted by kiekie:I think i should get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
YOU need to CHANGE your thinking.Originally posted by kiekie:Thanks misty. ur advice is great. But if i dun do the chores, the house will be like a garbage.... If i dun give him $ i scared he no $ to spend........ Do i sound more like a mother to him? That night i packed my things and go, i checked his wallet and found a couple of $2 only, so i squeezed in $50 for him... i m a weakling
House - garbage? -> He also need to put in the effort to upkeep the house. If he does not, then why are you Cleaning up after him. Like I say, if its garbage, can he not pay for a part-time cleaner so that you can rest? Is he really really Loving you or just paying you lip service?
If you love the person, you would not want the person to slog like a maid just so to have a clean environment.
$ is yours - why should he come to you for $ to spend. He don't have work meh?
If he don't have Money - Is he disabled that he cannot work?
My dad would never ask money from a woman cause he got dignity. He go pick cardboard box to support his family. You husband got no dignity and he's like a Xiao Bai Lian. Plus he has no shame. $2? Hello!!!! I also have only $2 in my wallet for 2 months!!!! My BF also BO-HIEW!
PLease the Guy havd Hands and Legs and is working like you are also working. WHY are you doing all these things ...
BTW If you Find yourself in a HOLE you had Dug ... STOP Digging! -
i can't stop crying... today i nv go work cuz i overslept. I hardly sleep yesterday night.. cuz i look at him... i am so depressed......i cried and cried and cried and hide in the toilet n cried ........ I cannot take it... I ve the urge to moved all my things home now and leave him.Originally posted by mistyblue:YOU need to CHANGE your thinking.
House - garbage? -> He also need to put in the effort to upkeep the house. If he does not, then why are you Cleaning up after him. Like I say, if its garbage, can he not pay for a part-time cleaner so that you can rest? Is he really really Loving you or just paying you lip service?
If you love the person, you would not want the person to slog like a maid just so to have a clean environment.
$ is yours - why should he come to you for $ to spend. He don't have work meh?
If he don't have Money - Is he disabled that he cannot work?
My dad would never ask money from a woman cause he got dignity. He go pick cardboard box to support his family. You husband got no dignity and he's like a Xiao Bai Lian. Plus he has no shame. $2? Hello!!!! I also have only $2 in my wallet for 2 months!!!! My BF also BO-HIEW!
PLease the Guy havd Hands and Legs and is working like you are also working. WHY are you doing all these things ...
BTW If you Find yourself in a HOLE you had Dug ... STOP Digging! -
You should get YOUR own Life.Originally posted by kiekie:He dun treat me like a princess la.. keke.. juz more caring and show more affection. Yesterday, he kept calling me as he didn't go to work because i was missing.... I dun dare to tell my family abt it and i will not cuz i dun want them to worry for me. During dating... we aren't like other couples who will watch movies.. infact we only watched thrice for these 4yrs. We go out with his friends, have short vacation trips... watch drama series at home and have a huge collection of toys.. and swords. All r his interest..which i tried my best to follow and shown interest in. Maybe i m too boring as i alwaz dun request for anything.
I m not the type who will tell him hey i wana buy this or that or i wana eat this or that. I m not, i rather go shopping alone while he meet up with his frens.......
If you have to... tell your family.
there's nothing ashamed about it and if your family don't care .. who else will!
BTW, your Husband need to grow up. I had a classmate who is utterly childish and his wife really suffer and I know because she is so unhappy. He also keep all those toys and relies on his wife to do everything even help him with his school worrk. The wife becomes a crutch to support a useless person and she grew resentful of her life/husband and everything. They had a very empty life and house - and he wanted kids - I laffed very hard... She already had one....
You should have your own interest. He can have his. There should also be some compromises. R/s is not measured by movies or outings but the quality of outing. I watch lots of TV with my bf and he also introduce me to new things. However, its the communication we do during those times - through actions or words. If these things bother you, you should also make it clear to him. I doubt very much he would change cause I told my classmate off. He's still the same and resented that I had highlighted he needed to understand the bigger picture. So much for stupid people. -
I am so scared to get hurt again, esp by the one whom i loved so much, whom i tot i can spend my whole life with.
I canot imagine if we ve a kid in future... i will sure get " chan hou u yu zheng".
If i go now, it may lessen my hurt... Cuz i dun think i m able to withstand another setback or if he ever choose to leave me for another person.... -
You need time to yourself and sort things out. If it means getting away for a while... DO so.Originally posted by kiekie:i can't stop crying... today i nv go work cuz i overslept. I hardly sleep yesterday night.. cuz i look at him... i am so depressed......i cried and cried and cried and hide in the toilet n cried ........ I cannot take it... I ve the urge to moved all my things home now and leave him.
Take your vacation and use it to think thigns through. This is your life and at this juncture, if you don't think about it, then when...
You can even get yourself a hotel room over the weekend and calm down.
You can also look for your friend/family who can help you and let you stay with them for a while....
You need to think through your life, take stock and look at your options and everything else that is happened and going to happen. If it helps write it down.
Then think what can you do to improve your life and make small changes one at a time and accept certain things such as a dirty house or the need to spend 2 hours every 6 months with a close friend. etc little things.
You obviously forced yourself to move back and by that he felt better ... Not you.
I know I am harsh and the truth is very hard especially when a stranger tells you about it. You too need to take actions to protect and take care of yourself because no one else will.
You cry for yourself and your life/time you had spent and the r/s that is sadly not working really well. R/s is a two person two way thing. I don't attest to knowing everything but I know it takes effort from both parties. I cannot tell you mine will last forever and I would never run into issues like yours therefore I cannot judge but I can only tell you... some of the things you are doing... need to change. I am also soft hearted and I get bullied a lot too. -
Now another problem is that his married colleague loves him alot. She even pour water using her own bottle for him and ask him to finish all. She stays back during lunch to help him do his work when he went for lunch. And he was so touched when he found out wat she has done for him. This are all he told me last time.
He said he already hinted her they are impossible as her husband treats her very well and she is already married with kids. But it's hard for him to tell her not to call him or sms him. cuz she will cry..easily..which he doesn't want things to turn out that way... -
but whenever u go to bed/wake up every morning, you'll see the man beside you hu cheated ur feelings once and then you'll start to cry again... haiz , if this continues... you might undergo depression leh.. which is not healthy... if u keep having the urge to pack up and leave.... just leave lor, maybe the change be better for you. can't be so soft-hearted mar.
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I m scared that i will go soft if he begged me again... But i m going to pack my things now.Originally posted by papercut87:but whenever u go to bed/wake up every morning, you'll see the man beside you hu cheated ur feelings once and then you'll start to cry again... haiz , if this continues... you might undergo depression leh.. which is not healthy... if u keep having the urge to pack up and leave.... just leave lor, maybe the change be better for you. can't be so soft-hearted mar. -
diaoz... you believe that ar? could be with other way round you know.. it takes two to tango.
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that's why you need to take time out.Originally posted by kiekie:I am so scared to get hurt again, esp by the one whom i loved so much, whom i tot i can spend my whole life with.
I canot imagine if we ve a kid in future... i will sure get " chan hou u yu zheng".
If i go now, it may lessen my hurt... Cuz i dun think i m able to withstand another setback or if he ever choose to leave me for another person....
But you also must be prepared that he might after all want the other person but its just that she's married...
Solve one thing at a time. First solve your own life. Once you have your own life back in order... sometimes whatever the other person does, you would be able to handle it...
You cannot control his choices but you have to make your own choices for yourself.
If he choose to leave you ... you choose to be sad about your r/s. But also you must make other choices such as to move on and have other things to do and look forward. Perhaps you ever consider to choose to live happier with or without him...
In the back of my mind, I continuously think through, and know my bf and myself can live without each other and I run all the scenarios. I know I will grief but I know I have the strength to carry through and continue on my own and I have to do this without my parent's help and I have to re-manage my rental housing issue and adjust my finances. -
take some time to think about this qn..
do you love him..? -
I'm not an expert in these matters, but I can tell that your love for him far exceeds his love for you, from the way you try to get used to his passions and always putting him first in whatever you do. From a male's perspective, it is not difficult to take you for granted.
But I can see that he is making an effort to make it up to you, by offering to quit his job. Subconciously, he perhaps didn't realise that you mean the world to him, until the night you left home. I think the emotional cheating phase was just an ego trip for him. Give yourself and him a chance, and as mistyblue said, communication is very important. Stay strong!
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When you really love someone, you will tend to find excuses for him even he's in the wrong. I can understand how kiekie is feeling right now.Originally posted by papercut87:diaoz... you believe that ar? could be with other way round you know.. it takes two to tango.
Yes.. As for kiekie, don't be soft-hearted. Leave the house for good.
Can't you see that he's taking you for granted? He will always think that all he need to do is just to beg you and you'll be back to his side again.
Be strong. -
There will come a point where he stop beggingOriginally posted by kiekie:I m scared that i will go soft if he begged me again... But i m going to pack my things now.
There will come a point where begging you does not work...
You really need to think things through and know your choices ..
Call you parents/family/friends/SOS lines if you need advice.
You are unclear and in a mess. You would not be productive and you would not make the best choice for yourself if you cannot think and regret comes too late... -
Perhaps...Originally posted by papercut87:diaoz... you believe that ar? could be with other way round you know.. it takes two to tango.
I can't stand it when everynight i faced the one i loved....is thinking of another one in his mind. He told me he dun love her and it's impossible. He turn to her because they work in the same company and she understand very well what he has undergone. U know that fri incident, he call her before begging for my forgiveness and call her back...after calling me maybe to tell her wats my reaction or watever.
I told him yesterday that i dun need him to choose me juz bcuz he thinks i m decent n good to him. Lots of woman can do that too. I dun need his sympathy. And if that married woman is young and unmarried, he will definitely chooose her!!!! He sobbed unitl he vomited as i can hear over the phone and told me that now he realised my importance and his negligence towards me. He kept crying and beg me to go back. I still loves him, and it realy pains me to hear him cry as i nv tot he will. -
Originally posted by mistyblue:There will come a point where he stop begging
There will come a point where begging you does not work...
You really need to think things through and know your choices ..
Call you parents/family/friends/SOS lines if you need advice.
You are unclear and in a mess. You would not be productive and you would not make the best choice for yourself if you cannot think and regret comes too late...
that's true misty, i m scared i will be impulsive. It's not like if i want to leave i can make the immediate decision... I believe mine r/s is based on gan qing and not ai qing anymore. -
Like that he get touched liao ah!!!! What a Loser! I peel prwn for my BF then i think he should be super grateful and fall deeply in love with me lah.Originally posted by kiekie:Now another problem is that his married colleague loves him alot. She even pour water using her own bottle for him and ask him to finish all. She stays back during lunch to help him do his work when he went for lunch. And he was so touched when he found out wat she has done for him. This are all he told me last time.
He said he already hinted her they are impossible as her husband treats her very well and she is already married with kids. But it's hard for him to tell her not to call him or sms him. cuz she will cry..easily..which he doesn't want things to turn out that way...
Hard to tell her not to SMS? He wants to continue the r/s with her is it? what's so hard?
CHANGE HP Number lah!
She more important to him than you are. This you Already realise. She cry and he scared. You leave he only beg and you give way. So you will always be the losing party. Always treated 2nd class to everything he likes and he do. You want that meh?
And as Spidee said, and my BF also told me. Its easy for men to take things for granted and they are not shy to climbing on your head and Sh!t on you. My BF literally disallow me to do certain things for him cause it makes the r/s lobsided. -
That is why I keep Telling you to think. I didn't tell you to leave him and divorce him immediately. To Think is to Plan and to revise if the r/s is working - why not and how to fix if the r/s means something to you. I do not support impulsive actions because that leads to more regret.Originally posted by kiekie:
that's true misty, i m scared i will be impulsive. It's not like if i want to leave i can make the immediate decision... I believe mine r/s is based on gan qing and not ai qing anymore.
Ai qing can only carry so far... the rest is depending on how you two define the r/s - to be gan qing or ai qing or a mixture. -
Why is that Woman involved in the r/s between the two of you that he has to use her as an emotional crutch!!!Originally posted by kiekie:Perhaps...
I can't stand it when everynight i faced the one i loved....is thinking of another one in his mind. He told me he dun love her and it's impossible. He turn to her because they work in the same company and she understand very well what he has undergone. U know that fri incident, he call her before begging for my forgiveness and call her back...after calling me maybe to tell her wats my reaction or watever.
I told him yesterday that i dun need him to choose me juz bcuz he thinks i m decent n good to him. Lots of woman can do that too. I dun need his sympathy. And if that married woman is young and unmarried, he will definitely chooose her!!!! He sobbed unitl he vomited as i can hear over the phone and told me that now he realised my importance and his negligence towards me. He kept crying and beg me to go back. I still loves him, and it realy pains me to hear him cry as i nv tot he will.
Actually you moving out to calm down ... also gives him time to think through his options.
Let me put this to you.
Would you be able to respect a man who takes your $ to go pubbing.
Would you be able to respect the r/s where a 3rd party becomes the emtional support for him.
Would you be able to continue the r/s fearing every day he might walk or he's thinking of someone else while he's physically with with
Would you be able to forgive yourself if your life gets screwed because you choose to put aside your needs just to make another person feel better .. are you worth that little bit that this immature man and his play thing matters more???
Is he rational when he is begging you to come back or is he hysterical (more likely this)... therefore .. you cannot allow someone's hysterics manipulate you. You have to decide for yourself and he has to be an adult and respect your decisions. If he cannot... you really want to conitnue the r/s with him?
Oh as for vomitting... I used to know this guy - he's borderline mad actually. He vomits on command. So its nothing. People react badly to change... I would put it down to strong resistance... and I wonder if he's crying for himself and the loss of a good easy life and spending money or the loss for you. That is a VERY big difference... only he knows ... but you have to find out...
BTW. I know I am harsh. But unless you deal with the facts and truth... there is no way you would get out stronger and in 1 piece.