A prisoner of my own cell
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My mum passed away in May this year. One month prior to her departure, my dad lost his job as well.
I started out my new job one week after mum's death, while dad was at home trying to get busy with household chores and getting over the sadness. My only sister is in Ngee Ann poly, final yr.
During this period of time, I have been really patient with dad as he cannot get over it. Daytime endure boss, customers and at night endure dad's nonsensical 'I wanna join mum soon'. I join my dad to do some housechores when I can.
Fast forward to August. Dad found a job as fulltime taxi driver, its slowly healing him through time, which is a good thing. But because of the energy I have given in to keep the family going, I am beginning to wear out. Throughout the last few months I have been helping him to find a job, settle outstanding loans mum had with the banks and insurance stuffs, before he embarked on the cabby job.
Ever since dad begun his taxi job, he is too tired to help out in housechores. So I will have to juggle work, night studies, balance accounts and house chores.
And my 19-yr-old sister cannot be bothered in helping out.
When she has a tutorial or lecture, she'd wake up just 1/2 hr before the lesson starts, and sort of expects dad to fetch her to ngee ann poly. We live in hougang. I was pissed cos this means dad will earn less bcos of her disruption. I have reprimanded her for this, but her nonsense never stops, though she claims that she is trying.
I give her $400 a month for allowance. I think thats a lot. Sad thing is she doesnt make me see that it is worthy to give her $400 for she will do nothing in the house. Her room is shitty. She doesnt even wash her own cup after using, let alone use the broom.
I have wanted to deduct her allowance but dad said mum in past gave her 400, so must stick to it. He is afraid too much of nagging will make her run away from home.
She has a bf whom I dun really respect cos he doesnt give shit about his own schoolwork as well. But thats his life. Thing is, I am spending time doing all the household stuffs and studies so that she can go on dates with her bf.
I am really stupid.
I am 26 and my life is like a prison. I just hope she'd move her butt to help out.
Irony is.. she'd join all these school activities as group leader, help out in Yellow Ribbon project. But she failed to see that the real prisoner is her own brother. I am trapped in this routine life bcos no one will help.
I wanna change all that. -
Same same lah... break free first... move out. maybe she'd ask from your Dad and start cleaning up.
My sis also can't be bothered type and very active outside, helping friends doing that and... all the craps.
It's a problem cos in Singapore, the cultural establishment is simply not there for family. One day if she makes it and you don't... maybe she'd laugh at your 'lousiness' instead.
Prepare to break out, if it's just a one-sided love affair with family. -
Don't be a crutch for everyone - dad or sis. You will just be taken for granted. Its your money, you can choose to give less. Your father is your father. Its is problem if he wants to give her more. You can and should help your old man a little but not too much as he has to learn to be on his own as well and put his share into the household. Most men simply throw in a little gorcery money and think that's enough.
Its everyone's home, its a whole family. If she does not want to chip in and value the work others put in for her, then she does not have any right to demand more - infact she could have gone to work part time to get pocket money as she is not disabled ot anything. Its her choice in her BF and really non of your biz. So my advice on this is that, if she gets herself into trouble, tell her to dig herself out of trouble because its her choice.
(This is something she needs to learn - my bro did not learn it and now my parents at 70 yo is still paying for his mistakes every day. He's been divorced, out of work amount 6-9 months every year and balmes everyone for his mistakes in his life)
You do not have to feel and take up the responsibility of managing the whole house ... just do what you can and beyond that.... just let it be if the house is not clean or some things slip through. But being oldest... you guys always take responsibilty and feel burnt.
No point scolding your sis or telling your dad what they should or should not do. You have to take actions to show your displeasure. By continuing to give way, you simply push yourself into a corner and continue to be a crutch for them for the rest of your life. And you will only live to take care of them ... which is often miserable and unappreciated. To be kind, you need to be cruel. If they make noise .. bear with it and don't give in. In a simple word, you feel trapped because you lived for them, not for yourself.
This is from a former crutch for my family... I decided to move out and piss off everyone. Now they learnt the value of my work and role at home. -
hopefully ur sis will change her attitude and become more mature.... but its not too bad yet..
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its easier to move mountains and divert riversOriginally posted by alexkusu:hopefully ur sis will change her attitude and become more mature.... but its not too bad yet..
than to ask someone to change. -
Don't feel that way. Sometime that is the price to pay for being the eldest but take it at stride.
Talk it out and you may feel better but life must go on. your sis may have only a couple of years more to go and she will also have to step to the society to work. Maybe she will learn from other teaching her.
Just ask your conscience if you have put in our best. If you have, then that's good. Bare with it as your dad may not have gotten over your mum death and he knew that he still have u and your sis to look after. Uu can do your part by just contributing your share of the workload.
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till now at 40, my sis live alone with no other life than 16 hours of work-6 days a week. Then going back to visit my parents on weekends. She gave up her life at 19 to work for the family and yes she was never appreciated. She felt bitter about it but there's nothing she can do now but accept her fate. Yes, she got laughed at for having give up her life for her family... its sad isn't it ... ironically by the very people whom she gave up for....
My brother relied on everyone to solve his issues for him and refused to grow up. He failed to get work, marriage, failed to get a good wife, to take care of his kid, to get custody of his kid. He failed as a son, brother, father, friend, co-worker - everything he failed. It is now so bad, My parents want to move away from him. Anyways, my parents paid dearly over his 38 yrs both financially and emotionally. I think they deserve a break.
I moved out cause I was the crutch that eveyone relied on. I became depressed, suffered silently, had so many nerverous breakdowns, became sucidial and felt everything was falling apart around me and while everyone was happy and contented, well take care of... No one cared I was burnt out, overworked and have zero social life that I resented my own self. No one ever cared, no one ever will. After being thrown out by my brother. I decided not to move back - I stopped being a crutch, I lived my life for myself but I try to still put in effort - not over stretch myself - for my parents.
Do not for one moment think that by doing all - extending yourself over and beyond; that you are "saving" your family... you are only causing their mental/emotional growth to be stunted -
Some people have to be pushed into the deep end of the pool before they learn anything
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ehhh is ur sis in Business Studies?
Yellow Ribbon Project? I do know some of them.
$400 is a lot lor. Why not give her $300.. then tell her that if she wants more, she has to do household chores and will be paid an amount for per hour worked?
My classmate used to earn allowance this way.. -
look on the bright side.. some gals need to bear the family's financial burdens at the age of 20...
anyway, 400 bucks is really way too much. i dun even use 200 a month, including transport. dun spoil your sister too much. now you're the man of the house. so be a man... if your dad interfers, tell it to him. tell him your problems...
and get a gf to share your burden... it's be easier on you. good luck dude. i admire you for your efforts.
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Eh your sis should be old enough to understand the situation man..Sad to say but i hope she'll learn to help out..I'm a poly student and frankly speaking,250 is enough..
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And have you thought of how you would like to change that?Originally posted by Alleycat:My mum passed away in May this year. One month prior to her departure, my dad lost his job as well.
I started out my new job one week after mum's death, while dad was at home trying to get busy with household chores and getting over the sadness. My only sister is in Ngee Ann poly, final yr.
During this period of time, I have been really patient with dad as he cannot get over it. Daytime endure boss, customers and at night endure dad's nonsensical 'I wanna join mum soon'. I join my dad to do some housechores when I can.
Fast forward to August. Dad found a job as fulltime taxi driver, its slowly healing him through time, which is a good thing. But because of the energy I have given in to keep the family going, I am beginning to wear out. Throughout the last few months I have been helping him to find a job, settle outstanding loans mum had with the banks and insurance stuffs, before he embarked on the cabby job.
Ever since dad begun his taxi job, he is too tired to help out in housechores. So I will have to juggle work, night studies, balance accounts and house chores.
And my 19-yr-old sister cannot be bothered in helping out.
When she has a tutorial or lecture, she'd wake up just 1/2 hr before the lesson starts, and sort of expects dad to fetch her to ngee ann poly. We live in hougang. I was pissed cos this means dad will earn less bcos of her disruption. I have reprimanded her for this, but her nonsense never stops, though she claims that she is trying.
I give her $400 a month for allowance. I think thats a lot. Sad thing is she doesnt make me see that it is worthy to give her $400 for she will do nothing in the house. Her room is shitty. She doesnt even wash her own cup after using, let alone use the broom.
I have wanted to deduct her allowance but dad said mum in past gave her 400, so must stick to it. He is afraid too much of nagging will make her run away from home.
She has a bf whom I dun really respect cos he doesnt give shit about his own schoolwork as well. But thats his life. Thing is, I am spending time doing all the household stuffs and studies so that she can go on dates with her bf.
I am really stupid.
I am 26 and my life is like a prison. I just hope she'd move her butt to help out.
Irony is.. she'd join all these school activities as group leader, help out in Yellow Ribbon project. But she failed to see that the real prisoner is her own brother. I am trapped in this routine life bcos no one will help.
I wanna change all that. -
You should be the one who runs away. Don't give her anything and leave the house, stay by some of your friends or somewhere else for about 2 weeks if possible. It's not leaving your family in troubles. In this time your sis should learn responsibility. Then return back home, and tell that if she doesn't behave as she should, the next time you won't come back.Originally posted by Alleycat:I have wanted to deduct her allowance but dad said mum in past gave her 400, so must stick to it. He is afraid too much of nagging will make her run away from home.
You are just a human, nobody can expect from you to do everything in the house. Sooner or later you break down exhausted.
I know this suggestions sounds hard and cruel and is maybe not possible for you to do it.
The other option would be to find some way how to make your sis help in the household, but you need your dad to help you with that. You both could find some way. But as you said, your dad is afraid she would run away from home. He should change his attitude, becasue this way he supports your sis in lazing and not caring. -
my monthly allowance in NUS was $50 which was at that time the price of a bus stamp .. I had to earn the rest and dig out my savings for my books and notes.
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$400 a month!!! no wonder they can go to restaurants!!!
$200 is more than enough. let them learn to save. -
hahahaa .... nowadays kids know how to spend $Originally posted by kopiosatu:$400 a month!!! no wonder they can go to restaurants!!!
$200 is more than enough. let them learn to save.
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rich sia.. i whole month spending oso like 300 to 400 but my allowance is 200. if she so active in community ask her go find a parttime job la.
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sometimes when i go into a restaurant and i see schoolkids, i always wonder how much daddy and mummy gives them.Originally posted by mistyblue:hahahaa .... nowadays kids know how to spend $
because last time, the closest thing to a restaurant that i could afford while schooling was... zhi cha at the market. -
$400 seh...
I'm only getting $200/month. And have to pay for MRT concession -$45, pay for bus fare -$15, pay for HP bill -$30.
End up left with $100+ only... That sums up to $3/day. If I can survive on it why can't your sister? -
times has changed huh... daddy and mommy nowadays give quite a lot. I saw a TP book a young (early 20) ger driving a posche on ECP (a kiddish 20ish guy with black face on the passenger side). I had heard of friends whose parents bought them houses when they got married. So if the parents give money out to their kids like candy... I wonder if these people will learn the value of money...Originally posted by kopiosatu:sometimes when i go into a restaurant and i see schoolkids, i always wonder how much daddy and mummy gives them.
because last time, the closest thing to a restaurant that i could afford while schooling was... zhi cha at the market.
Zhi Cha .. I remember the Dover Road one... next to NUS. But usually I eat my meat baos... I hate long queues.
I realised its a different world now... when I gleefully get discounts with my student cards, kids were staring at me thinking I'm cheapskate...
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u are rite.. every house has its own problem.Originally posted by starblue:look on the bright side.. some gals need to bear the family's financial burdens at the age of 20...
anyway, 400 bucks is really way too much. i dun even use 200 a month, including transport. dun spoil your sister too much. now you're the man of the house. so be a man... if your dad interfers, tell it to him. tell him your problems...
and get a gf to share your burden... it's be easier on you. good luck dude. i admire you for your efforts.
and i am a playful student during teens, started to work Part time when i am in my 14. At 18 took up financial burdens.
Wow... ur sis is lucky man, me and sis didn't have the chance to take $ from others.. all $ are earn thru hard work.
But i always tell myself i will be fine, its only we took up the financial burdens earlier then others but it's nt that bad either.
Coz take it as a challenge coz next time, when we have our own family we will not be that stress out like newly wedd couples who used to being shelter..
So press on, my dear fren..
Everything will turn out fine.. One day ur sis will hav to learn to earn her own pocket too... its just sooner or later.. she is in poly shld be able to do so..
my fren earn hers too... abt the same problem with u..
any problem de-stress urself here.. dnt worry be hapi.. -
Dear Alleycat,
Sounds like mental exhaustion to me, & in that state of mind, it's easy to find fault with a sister who's probably Not grown up enough & has probably been spoiled all her life, for Not "playing her part". When times are Not tough, the little sibling is tolerated even though it's Not totally her fault for having been spoiled by everyone in the family. When the tough gets going, it's easy to point fingers, yah?
I'm Not blaming you, you've gone through a whole lot, but that's how life is. The oldest gets saddled with the responsibilities, is expected to take care of the younger siblings, etc. Everybody goes through the same thing. I understand why some feel that it's Not fair. It isn't.
Although it's easier said than done, have a quiet talk with your dad? Let him know that you're mentally exhausted from having run the household during this difficult time, & you're Not grieving any less than the other family members with regards to your mum's death. Give him the reassurance that you'll still take care of the family, but request for some time for mental rest.
It might be really difficult, but refrain from trying to point fingers at your sister. It may be misconstrued by your father that you're trying to instigate him against her. Instead, just quietly say you're tired, & you'd like a break from the household sometimes. Then give a suggestion to him, "Perhaps sister can help on weekends?"
I would normally advise a vacation, but given your circumstances, it wouldn't be pragmatic. Thus, a little rest here & there seems to be the best option for you right now.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Alleycat:My mum passed away in May this year. One month prior to her departure, my dad lost his job as well.
I started out my new job one week after mum's death, while dad was at home trying to get busy with household chores and getting over the sadness. My only sister is in Ngee Ann poly, final yr.
During this period of time, I have been really patient with dad as he cannot get over it. Daytime endure boss, customers and at night endure dad's nonsensical 'I wanna join mum soon'. I join my dad to do some housechores when I can.
Fast forward to August. Dad found a job as fulltime taxi driver, its slowly healing him through time, which is a good thing. But because of the energy I have given in to keep the family going, I am beginning to wear out. Throughout the last few months I have been helping him to find a job, settle outstanding loans mum had with the banks and insurance stuffs, before he embarked on the cabby job.
Ever since dad begun his taxi job, he is too tired to help out in housechores. So I will have to juggle work, night studies, balance accounts and house chores.
And my 19-yr-old sister cannot be bothered in helping out.
When she has a tutorial or lecture, she'd wake up just 1/2 hr before the lesson starts, and sort of expects dad to fetch her to ngee ann poly. We live in hougang. I was pissed cos this means dad will earn less bcos of her disruption. I have reprimanded her for this, but her nonsense never stops, though she claims that she is trying.
I give her $400 a month for allowance. I think thats a lot. Sad thing is she doesnt make me see that it is worthy to give her $400 for she will do nothing in the house. Her room is shitty. She doesnt even wash her own cup after using, let alone use the broom.
I have wanted to deduct her allowance but dad said mum in past gave her 400, so must stick to it. He is afraid too much of nagging will make her run away from home.
She has a bf whom I dun really respect cos he doesnt give shit about his own schoolwork as well. But thats his life. Thing is, I am spending time doing all the household stuffs and studies so that she can go on dates with her bf.
I am really stupid.
I am 26 and my life is like a prison. I just hope she'd move her butt to help out.
Irony is.. she'd join all these school activities as group leader, help out in Yellow Ribbon project. But she failed to see that the real prisoner is her own brother. I am trapped in this routine life bcos no one will help.
I wanna change all that. -
u mean like that
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Things I have tried so far :Originally posted by Devil1976:And have you thought of how you would like to change that?
1) Told dad that I need to cut her allowance. Dad said no cos mum used to give her $400, so must carry on giving the same amount.
2) Told my sis thousands of times that she needs to be responsible with the housechores. Everytime i did that, she'd proceed to do housework for ONE day and then revert back to her same habit of laziness.
3) Gotten my aunts and grandma to speak to her. No use.
More info :
A) She'd 'help' out in laundry once in a while.. by putting clothes in the washing machine, set it to wash n rinse and expect me to followup to spin dry and hang them. In short, she always try to find the shortcut to chores.
B) During her term break she can sleep from 11pm to 12noon next day. Reason : she was really tired from her previous school projects which she din sleep well enough in order to get them through.
C) She needs to be reminded to even wash the plate she used.
D) My buddies think she isnt a lady at all.
Well, I seriously think I have spoilt her too much. When she needed high speed internet, I went out to purchase a router to setup networking.. and now she glues herself either to the laptop or the phone to chat with her bf.
My dad pays for her mobile phone bills and I pay for the internet. And she still gets $400. Yes, i realised its atrocious.
Time to step out of this prison. I should be part of the yellow ribbon project. -
=(.. try talking to her man.. until now she doesn't realise that she isn't helping the family out at all..Originally posted by Alleycat:My mum passed away in May this year. One month prior to her departure, my dad lost his job as well.
I started out my new job one week after mum's death, while dad was at home trying to get busy with household chores and getting over the sadness. My only sister is in Ngee Ann poly, final yr.
During this period of time, I have been really patient with dad as he cannot get over it. Daytime endure boss, customers and at night endure dad's nonsensical 'I wanna join mum soon'. I join my dad to do some housechores when I can.
Fast forward to August. Dad found a job as fulltime taxi driver, its slowly healing him through time, which is a good thing. But because of the energy I have given in to keep the family going, I am beginning to wear out. Throughout the last few months I have been helping him to find a job, settle outstanding loans mum had with the banks and insurance stuffs, before he embarked on the cabby job.
Ever since dad begun his taxi job, he is too tired to help out in housechores. So I will have to juggle work, night studies, balance accounts and house chores.
And my 19-yr-old sister cannot be bothered in helping out.
When she has a tutorial or lecture, she'd wake up just 1/2 hr before the lesson starts, and sort of expects dad to fetch her to ngee ann poly. We live in hougang. I was pissed cos this means dad will earn less bcos of her disruption. I have reprimanded her for this, but her nonsense never stops, though she claims that she is trying.
I give her $400 a month for allowance. I think thats a lot. Sad thing is she doesnt make me see that it is worthy to give her $400 for she will do nothing in the house. Her room is shitty. She doesnt even wash her own cup after using, let alone use the broom.
I have wanted to deduct her allowance but dad said mum in past gave her 400, so must stick to it. He is afraid too much of nagging will make her run away from home.
She has a bf whom I dun really respect cos he doesnt give shit about his own schoolwork as well. But thats his life. Thing is, I am spending time doing all the household stuffs and studies so that she can go on dates with her bf.
I am really stupid.
I am 26 and my life is like a prison. I just hope she'd move her butt to help out.
Irony is.. she'd join all these school activities as group leader, help out in Yellow Ribbon project. But she failed to see that the real prisoner is her own brother. I am trapped in this routine life bcos no one will help.
I wanna change all that.