At wits end to humour my gf
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hi all,
Its my first post and i'm sorry if i'm a trouble to anyone of you guyz and galz here...
Been together with my gal for about a year and a half now... had our share of laughter and quarrels... but its always the humouring her part that she always deem me a failure in... why is it that other guys know how to humour their gf and yet you don't know? why is it that after your previous relationships and yet you don't know what humouring a gal is all about?
Seriously i believe i do try too... but i feel its just not in my nature or genes... imo i always feel that sweet talking guyz are a$$ hxlez in my eyes... i dont mind talking with gentleness but when it comes to nice words, my brain is totally dry... for eg, during an outing, she was venting her frustrations at work at me, she nagged at me when i parked my car slightly further away from the lift area when plenty of nice empty slots are present, she slammed my door and waited outside, when i am done i tried to offer to take her stuff for her but she ignored me and simply walked off, i know it was raining outside the building and i rushed back to get the umbrella for her but when i returned she got angry with me instead that i didnt bother to humour her even though i know she's angry???? OMG it was only a few minutes and seriously in my mind i was trying to conceive my humour plan... do all gals think that humour plans comes like oxygen in the air??
other times when she's angry, i try to pick up a light topic, she seem to completely ignore me and reply in short words... yes... no... not sure... i do admit at times on phone conversation i tend to keep quiet especially when we quarrel... and i know she dont like it... but its not that i find it fun to do that... she just get flared up so easily... when we quarrel i prefer to keep my own cool and let she do all the verbal screaming she wants... imo when two quarrels, one side should always stay cool to allow true problem solving...
i really don't know... can anyone in this world tell me what is humouring a gal? how do i get the wu lin mi ji to learn this technique? why cant she understand that? is it a must for guys to know this? if you ask me if i had similar problems with my past relationships in this i will say no... simply because imo my ex gfs' so called expectations of a guy humouring a gal is a simple sorry, gentle, warm and teasing her with some cuddlings... is there really more to this?
at this very moment she's telling not to talk to her until i learn how to humour a gal... i feel i can do well in all exams as i used to but this is one paper i seriously have no confidence in...
Sorry if i took too much of your tme reading this, i really need some opening to talk it out... -
You sure you want this kind of r/s?
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fire and forget....period
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ok.. this is weird.. i think your gf is extremely spoilt and demanding.. take and no give
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x2Originally posted by coffeeortea:ok.. this is weird.. i think your gf is extremely spoilt and demanding.. take and no give -
in others' eyes she could be spoilt,
she aint perfect but who is perfect in this world...
since i chose her and i love her, and i waited for her for almost 2 years before we got together... i will love her for her good and bad no matter what...
i really want to learn assuming that i am really doing a bad job in terms of humouring her... thats why i'm here... as i believe you guyz will have experience and knowledge that i dont possess...
thanks for reading -
It takes 2 hands to clap.Originally posted by JuzMy2Cts:in others' eyes she could be spoilt,
she aint perfect but who is perfect in this world...
since i chose her and i love her, and i waited for her for almost 2 years before we got together... i will love her for her good and bad no matter what...
i really want to learn assuming that i am really doing a bad job in terms of humouring her... thats why i'm here... as i believe you guyz will have experience and knowledge that i dont possess...
thanks for reading
But, can she do the same too? Love you for what you are? -
ur relationship with her sounds so stressful to u. u should go find a girl who u will be comfortable with.
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true...
stressful... perhaps its my own fault for choosing not to give it up?
am i wrong not to? -
Dear JustMy2Cents,
Sure, Nobody's perfect in this world. That, I'm the 1st to agree...
However, there're limits to the above-mentioned. And here, your gf appears to have overstepped beyond those limits. Her behaviour is unreasonable, & unless she knows about it, I'm afraid she'll continue to treat you the way she treats you.
Granted, you love her. But if she loves you, she wouldn't be treating you like this, & it seems she's treating you like this frequently. You're displaying concern for her, yet she hasn't got her priorities right. What in the world is going on?!
If she loves you, she would take care of your feelings. And I'd know that, because I'm a woman.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by JuzMy2Cts:in others' eyes she could be spoilt,
she aint perfect but who is perfect in this world...
since i chose her and i love her, and i waited for her for almost 2 years before we got together... i will love her for her good and bad no matter what...
i really want to learn assuming that i am really doing a bad job in terms of humouring her... thats why i'm here... as i believe you guyz will have experience and knowledge that i dont possess...
thanks for reading -
You are not wrong, and neither is your gf. It's just that you are not meeting her emotional needs. When she's angry, keeping your cool is good, but your keeping quiet is not the solution. She needs some words of support from you, although she's not necessarily asking you for a solution (so don't have to offer one all the time). That's why gfs are very good at this. Read 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' - it's a good introduction to the different emotional needs of both.
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thanks feow feow... love is blind... perhaps its fate... too bad she's the only gal that touched my heart when i have all but given up relationship 5 years back when i broke off with my ex...
wanda, maybe i'll go and catch that book later... its not that i dont support her... i dont mind if you take it as i am trying to find an excuse for myself... but i am the type that isnt good at words at all... i can type well... just like now as you read my typing... i can type so much... able to type out my feelings... but when it comes to talking, esp talking to her, words just unseemingly gets jammed up in my mouth... towards other gals, who are just friends, i get no problem talking non stop but if its my gf, i just dont know how to say it straight... i feel i will always say the wrong things if i dont filter my thoughts in my heart and brain...
sighz -
Maybe you should tell your gf how you feel n what you think....if she can't compromise or understanding enough....well.......Originally posted by JuzMy2Cts:thanks feow feow... love is blind... perhaps its fate... too bad she's the only gal that touched my heart when i have all but given up relationship 5 years back when i broke off with my ex...
wanda, maybe i'll go and catch that book later... its not that i dont support her... i dont mind if you take it as i am trying to find an excuse for myself... but i am the type that isnt good at words at all... i can type well... just like now as you read my typing... i can type so much... able to type out my feelings... but when it comes to talking, esp talking to her, words just unseemingly gets jammed up in my mouth... towards other gals, who are just friends, i get no problem talking non stop but if its my gf, i just dont know how to say it straight... i feel i will always say the wrong things if i dont filter my thoughts in my heart and brain...
sighz
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I know well what you're saying, bec. my hubby is also like you.Originally posted by JuzMy2Cts:wanda, maybe i'll go and catch that book later... its not that i dont support her... i dont mind if you take it as i am trying to find an excuse for myself... but i am the type that isnt good at words at all... i can type well... just like now as you read my typing... i can type so much... able to type out my feelings... but when it comes to talking, esp talking to her, words just unseemingly gets jammed up in my mouth... towards other gals, who are just friends, i get no problem talking non stop but if its my gf, i just dont know how to say it straight... i feel i will always say the wrong things if i dont filter my thoughts in my heart and brain...
sighz
He's not a quiet person, but on certain issues, he needs time to think before speaking (the introverted personality), or is afraid to say the wrong things. As you have learnt, this strategy is not good in a situation when you have an angry gf. 
I found this out by asking him (after a quarrel) - this communication helped to clear many hurdles! I learned that if I want more responses from my hubby, I may need to probe him more. He also learned to respond more, bec just keeping quiet is not acceptable or may make me feel as if he had not listened to what I'd said.
I think you need to explain to you gf about your difficulty, and that you didn't keep quiet on purpose, and say sorry - the magic word . Again, communication is important, not just during courtship, but after marriage. I think it's great that you are sticking to your gf to work things out. Shows you really love her and treasure her to want to improve yourself. Cheers to you! 
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I agree.... Actually I have similar problems with my bf... after reading your post I sort of awaken a bit but My issue is that he cant talk to me.... as in really talk... about everything, his feelings, his thoughts... and it's pissing me off... hence I admit I'm alot more shot tempered then usual...
but I feel that the key thing is communication. you have to communicate!!! tell her how you feel.... sometimes a girl just wanna hear affirmations... or hear her partner talk about his feelings...Originally posted by dcx:Maybe you should tell your gf how you feel n what you think....if she can't compromise or understanding enough....well....... -
thanks wanda again,
just as what you said about your hubby... what would you actually want him to do at that time when you guys were quarrelling? at times when i try to humour my gf (i felt i was doing that but she may not see it so), her cold response seems like a big bucket of cold water splashed onto me and it makes me feel i am not doing it right and i stopped talking and doing the humouring all together.
Although we can say different peoples react differently, but on general what would you want your hubby to do then? if it happened on the line and not right besides you? i guess your hubby is a good model for me... because in your eyes he succeeded... -
yes I totally agree... sometimes things happen and he knows that it's his fault but he just never even say I'm sorry... makes me think... you still think you are not in the wrong?Originally posted by Wanda:I know well what you're saying, bec. my hubby is also like you. He's not a quiet person, but on certain issues, he needs time to think before speaking (the introverted personality), or is afraid to say the wrong things. As you have learnt, this strategy is not good in a situation when you have an angry gf. I found this out by asking him (after a quarrel) - this communication helped to clear many hurdles! I learned that if I want more responses from my hubby, I may need to probe him more. He also learned to respond more, bec just keeping quiet is not acceptable or may make me feel as if he had not listened to what I'd said.
I think you need to explain to you gf about your difficulty, and that you didn't keep quiet on purpose, and say sorry - the magic word . Again, communication is important, not just during courtship, but after marriage. I think it's great that you are sticking to your gf to work things out. Shows you really love her and treasure her to want to improve yourself. Cheers to you! -
maybe the two of you should read the book
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smudgey,
sorry to hear you having similar probz...
well i guess we are standing on the opposite sides of the same river...
your guy may simply just be waiting for you to ask him... whereas your thinking is why can't you say it out yourself? For you, you will feel that if he doesnt say how would you know... but at times have you ever wonder that its really that your bf doesnt want to add on to any problems or frustrations already present? Its always two side of a mirror...
having said that perhaps its something that i need to realise too... i guess for a start i have to put myself in her shoes and think in her position... but still the biggest hurdle is getting myself confident of speaking the right, nice, warm, sweet words that she wants to hear... its something i cant learn overnight... -
misty,
she'll rather watch a vcd than read a book... aint no patient bookworm... she's the gan shuo gan yan, kuai ren kuai yu type... either you like her or you hate her straight bec she can be very frank... thats one of the things i like about her... and hate too of course... -
Actually, we quarrelled only bec he did not respond to me when I asked him something that needed both our concurrence and which will affect our lifestyle. He kept quiet, bec he was afraid his answer would anger me, so dare not say it. On my part, I didn't understand why, as I needed to hear his views on this important issue, so I felt as if he didn't listened or consider my question important (ie. not meeting my emotional needs).Originally posted by JuzMy2Cts:thanks wanda again,
just as what you said about your hubby... what would you actually want him to do at that time when you guys were quarrelling? at times when i try to humour my gf (i felt i was doing that but she may not see it so), her cold response seems like a big bucket of cold water splashed onto me and it makes me feel i am not doing it right and i stopped talking and doing the humouring all together.
Although we can say different peoples react differently, but on general what would you want your hubby to do then? if it happened on the line and not right besides you? i guess your hubby is a good model for me... because in your eyes he succeeded...
After that, I definitely didn't feel like talking to him anymore, and we went home in silence (so you must understand your gf's 'cold behaviour' during such situations). The other thing to understand is that - you may think you are humouring her, but in fact, it may not be what she is looking for or wants to hear, if the underlying issue (whatever it was that made her angry) is not resolved. So you get the cold water treatment from her, bec she cannot feel loving towards you at that moment (bec she's angry or feels you're not really listening, or don't understand her).
I can't generalise an appropriate response to your gf without knowing much, but my view is: if you have your reason or difficulty for not speaking up or for disagreeing with your gf, whatever it is, it's advisable to share with her your reasons and your thinking. Like what smudgey said, gals want to know what their bfs are feeling/thinking too. If you don't tell her, she doesn't understand your behaviour, and may start to think negative things about you and the r/s, and such negative feelings will build up in time if not resolved - not very healthy. So, what the experts say about the importance of communication is very true.
I can't say my husband has succeeded 100% coz he can still do things that make me go bersek, and I will complain or scold him, but he knows that after a while, I'll be ok (boh pian, have to forgive and forget
). It really takes 2 hands to clap and I hope your gf, after hearing your side of the story, will learn to understand and accept you better. -
Geez...Originally posted by JuzMy2Cts:misty,
she'll rather watch a vcd than read a book... aint no patient bookworm... she's the gan shuo gan yan, kuai ren kuai yu type... either you like her or you hate her straight bec she can be very frank... thats one of the things i like about her... and hate too of course...
she sound like my ex... -
she is taking u for granted ... cos i believe ... she is already spoilt by u ... hav u been treating her like a queen in the past??
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good luckOriginally posted by JuzMy2Cts:misty,
she'll rather watch a vcd than read a book... aint no patient bookworm... she's the gan shuo gan yan, kuai ren kuai yu type... either you like her or you hate her straight bec she can be very frank... thats one of the things i like about her... and hate too of course...
She sounds like a difficult person anyways
and you have to think long term .. ie: hen pecked and resentful -
Now do you feel lucky she's an EXOriginally posted by Mao x 2:Geez... she sound like my ex...
So you broke up cause ??? *I kaypo*
This guy is too lost... no point giving rational advices. Its up to him to realise his limits