What to do with this PARASITE?
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I quite agree with Li Ka Shing. It was somewhat uncomfortable to be reading all the encouragement for you to take the hard line because this could very possibly have the opposite effect to what you really want. This is a family we're talking about and your parents seem like the kind of people who will support all their children in difficult times. They probably see something behind your sister's current behaviour that you're not seeing, especially if her behaviour has only deviated these past three years.Originally posted by Li Ka Shing:Hi mumof2,
I have a suggestion. Please bring ur sis to a psychiatrist. She might have negative schizophrenia. This is a condition where someone loses motivation, is withdrawn, loses schedules/ structures, etc. I think it's quite possible ur sis might be suffering this illness. Especially all ur descriptions, how she stayed up until 5am, seldom able to hold work, etc.
Just get her checked first. Ok?
At the end of the day, blood ties are important. Forcing your sister to take responsibility by legal means might well result in completely alienating yourself from the rest of your family. How can parents possibly be happy to see siblings fighting in court? Rather than try to make everyone see things your way, sometimes taking a step back might be the best thing to do. -
wah. a lvls damm big is it.
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Final Conclusion,
Find a Day to talk with her, if nothing results in about 2 weeks, Do what you need to do.
SHow her whats reality. Show her whats Pain and Sadness in the world.
This will Make her Realise.
IF this don't work. U can leave her to die.
Seriously. She has no home, lets see how she do it.
Life's always fair, its just how you see it. -
n if any case it might be psychiatric .. but why did it evolve till such a blown up stage?? 31 yrs old already leh
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I just had an argument with my mum. She blames me now that her daughter feels like committing suicide because I kept pushing her. I said go to hell. She is better off dead than becoming a burden to her family.
Y'know what I sent her emails from an online job website - all 5 jobs forwarded to her. Even adviced her the dos and don;ts of getting job/interview. Little did I expect, she wrote an email back saying I know what I think I know? *laughs* She is still in parasiteland! Wanna see the extract?
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Thx for the HELP u have SUGGESTED
- Try to send at 10 applications per day to increase your chances of shortlist - What is 10 applications as compared to 25 that i send everyday???
- Look out for online job postings everyday - half of the jobs aplications are from this area
- Look out for job postings on daily papers and Saturday papers. - half of the jobs applications are from this area too
- Dress professionally well for the first interview. Imrpessions count alot than you think. Sleep well the night before the interview. - Need u to enlighten me? I'm obviously well aware of that. Thou i'm a nite lifer, i do try to sleep earlier than usual when i have an interview the next day. Just fyi.
- Everyday, you should be busy with looking for jobs, going for interviews or help out with housework and getting groceries. - Haven't I been doing that? Then who else have been vacuuming/mopping the floor etc? Of coz I try to take care of groceries whenever my wallet permits. In case you are wondering, I spend the day time applying for jobs and destress myself with games at night.
In summary:
I understand your ongoing concern over my joblessness over this period of time. But you do not know the job market situation right now. Yes, there may be more job openings for this year than in the past. However, with more job openings comes more job applicants who are switching back to their old line. These are the people who have changed line during the job recession.
To illustrate this point:
When a company advertises a job vacancy, they receive on the average 50 - 200 applications a day. On a single day, they can only afford the time to interview 10 - 15 shortlisted people (depending on how their management works). Let's say their recruitment drive is at least 1 month, that would mean they would have interviewed 200 to 300 people by the end of it. So the probability of me getting hired is 1 over 200 at best. And I have downplayed the figure coz most companies' recruitment period usually last for 2 mths.
I have tried umpteen times in applying for lower level jobs such as admin, clerk etc. But the employers don't give a shit about my applications becoz they think i'm over qualified for this kinda positions. They strongly believe that managers, air stewardness, journalist etc will never stay long in such positions. How do I know? Coz I've talked to them before. That's how I know.
Like I said, you know not what you think you know. There are other external factors which are not within my control that I did not explain and will not bother to do so.
If you insist on the perception that I'm lazing around, let it be then. There's nothing else I can do nor will I ever try to prove to you for the sake of proving it.
AND PLEASE DON'T EVER TALK TO XXX. You have no inkling about what kinda person she is and what happened between me and her. SO PLEASE do me favour, do not MSN her.
Thx and take care.
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What did I say? I said go ahead and self pity yourself. I told her I will no longer provide for the family. -
I thought about that too. Its difficult to get her to talk to the psychiatrist, when she feels there is nothing wrong with her. At one time, my mum thought she was possessed (oh for gods sake), now she says she has bad luck thats why can't find job. I don't care what excuses now. Already made it clear to my mum I will stop providing from here.Originally posted by Saint`:n if any case it might be psychiatric .. but why did it evolve till such a blown up stage?? 31 yrs old already leh
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gd luck to ur sis then .. lol ...
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Thanks for your suggestion. It did cross my mind that she is nuts but I could not find a caused so I didn't probe further. I thought she is probably just plain lazy. How did negative schizophrenia come about? I really would like to know if it is true, how it happens to her.
I remember once when we went to Bangkok for a shopping trip. We did not have the time to buy her jeans that she was hoping to shop around for. Back at the hotel just before we turn in for the night, she cursed loudly that she did not get a pair of jeans (we were leaving next day for SG). I was quite shocked but wondered why she takes it so hard. I just shrucked it off as bad behavior.
She does her work very slowly. Even getting into a car takes slower than anyone.
She is obsessed with music and turns the radio on the whole night till she wakes up at noon.
Many years ago, despite my calls to turn down the radio volume, she defiantly blast the TV volume. I went straight to her room grab the hi-fi and threw it down the rubbish outside. She got very mad and slammed her bedroom door shut.
She is also obsessed with online chatting.
She would wear her dirty clothes over again. And she would scream at my mum for washing her clothes that she still want to wear.
At one time, she turn up with a very bad hairdo and look like a zombie at my husband's office opening function.
Are these traits?
Anyone has any recommendation for a good psychiatrist?Originally posted by Li Ka Shing:Hi mumof2,
I have a suggestion. Please bring ur sis to a psychiatrist. She might have negative schizophrenia. This is a condition where someone loses motivation, is withdrawn, loses schedules/ structures, etc. I think it's quite possible ur sis might be suffering this illness. Especially all ur descriptions, how she stayed up until 5am, seldom able to hold work, etc.
I disagree with the suggestion to make her move out, cut support, etc like that. Becoz I think it's not productive. If u cut support, she might not be able to stand on her 2 own feet. Just get her checked first. If she's indeed having this illness, cutting support is not gonna work coz she's not like other normal people who can stand on 2 own feet when forced.
As a sister I think u are having a big pressure but ultimately u still love ur sis and please just get her checked first instead of cutting support or anything like that, coz I think it will ruin ur family ties for the future. Ultimately u want to save ur sis and ur family and I think u should think of the best solution and be wise.
Ur sis will never agree to go to hospital on her own accord. You have to think of a creative way, or persuade her somehow. Then, accompany her there, u and ur mum. You and ur mum should talk to the psychiatrist as well.
If neccessary, ask for a test, a written test. That will be more accurate. But the psychiatrist might be able to tell without any tests. And then, ur sis will take medication for at least 1 year. But believe me, ur sis will change. From then on she will really do change.
I think this is one way u can really save her and get her back as ur sis, and save ur family/ parents, urself, without ruining family ties for the future.
Trust me.
Just get her checked first. Ok? -
Thank you all for your advices and suggestions. I appreciate very much. I will try to get her to see a doctor for help. At this time, I still very much detest her and could not sit down quietly and have a conversation together. I will work things out soon. Once again, thank you all for your help.Originally posted by F Bunta:
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What are 'principles' and 'attitudes' when you can't even fill your own tummy?Originally posted by mumof2:You are right. We have to give her the ultimatum. I have already spoke to 2 of my close friends to look for jobs. I am looking for other job openings now for her: and ask her to take up one of them. If not, computer will be confiscated and by 1 month no job, get lost.
I can't believe I actually knelt down and begged her to go to work years ago. She was smiling like nobody's business. I really hate her for what she has not done the past years. I am a person who will work hard even from scratch. I thought about how I work and slogged from a small position. She is HAOCHI LANZUO, she thinks she is right all the time, she upholds her own "principles" and has attitude problem. She would argue at the slightest remark and always insist she is right. I even thought about getting a social worker or councilor to talk to her, but where to get help? and who would help such parasite who is physically capable?
Now me and my mum are at loggerheads. She thinks I treat her like a maid as she gets such megre pay. I told her thats all I have. If she wants money go ask that wretch.
SINCE your PARENTS like this PARASITE SO MUCH... You don't have to KILL IT nor CUT OFF the ties totally...?
Just give her the BARE MINIMUMS WILL DO... She'll probably MOVE ALRIGHT... And REMIND YOUR PARENTS NOT to HELP HER. As what I've mentioned in my previous post...
PLUS, there should by NO ARGUEMENT of 'what she deserves' and want.... WHAT POSITION IS SHE IN NOW? Should be COUNTING HERSELF LUCKY....
Side-track: You don't have to go on 'emotional pressures' or anything on her... Just necessary actions would do... Provoking her in other sense might just blow herself up which ultimately won't do her nor your parents any good.... -
Hi mumof2,
You can take her to a psychiatrist, and then I think it's better to ask for a written test. Ask for MMPI-2 or whatever the psychiatrist recommends.
From ur sis email reply, and how ur mum said ur sis wanted to suicide, I think u know ur sis is having a huge pressure, just like u having pressure. Maybe u might want to reduce the pressure a little, to ur sis and to urself. In the meantime, get her checked and about the entry-jobs thing, well why don't u ask ur sis to send a CV which doesnt say she's a journalist? Yeah, don't let the company knows she is overqualified. Simple. -
Let her fend for herself.
Cancel her credit card, dun do the laundry for her, dun buy food for her, dun give her allowance, ask her to earn her keeps.. by doing housework?
Seriously, 31 years old liao still worse than some full time students who work part time to support family.. she needs to reflect.
But I think the parents also spoilt her. She takes everything for granted and dun feel the need to work hard for something she wants. -
Do you have MMPI-2? Please if you do, kindly send it to [email protected].
Would greatly appreciate. Its ok if you don't have it, thanks anyway.Originally posted by Li Ka Shing:Hi mumof2,
You can take her to a psychiatrist, and then I think it's better to ask for a written test. Ask for MMPI-2 or whatever the psychiatrist recommends.
From ur sis email reply, and how ur mum said ur sis wanted to suicide, I think u know ur sis is having a huge pressure, just like u having pressure. Maybe u might want to reduce the pressure a little, to ur sis and to urself. In the meantime, get her checked and about the entry-jobs thing, well why don't u ask ur sis to send a CV which doesnt say she's a journalist? Yeah, don't let the company knows she is overqualified. Simple. -
Sometimes to be kind is to be heartless.
I am really sorry to hear that you have such a sister. She's a total bum.
It's good that you are giving her ultimatums now. If she still doesn't react to them, goodness knows what's going to happen.
Has she always been like that from a young age? Did your parents spoil her when she was a lot younger? If yes, that could explain the way she's behaving right now. I think you should get her a counsellor. But whether or not she's willing to be counselled .. that's a different matter altogether.
I think if you suddenly 'detach' all the strings, it could be a little hard on her. I suggest you do it slowly. Ultimatums are a good step. -
i have one question... why are you trying to resolve this ONLY NOW??? she is 31, and i bet she has been like that all the way till now.. why hadnt you all made attempts to correct her??? i dunno, be the situation looks bleak. she has more or less fixed her character and all that, how to help??
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I argued with her alot over the years, even before I was married. She is often shielded by my mother and then its just another day gone by. The circumstances was so bad at that time. My parents were younger and I was busy working and dating too. We were financially stable at that time. Incomes are also coming from both my parents who then have their own small business. She failed to get admitted to nus after A levels, so my mum pushes her to study a private degree course which she failed too. After stopping for a year or two, she expressed interest in continuing her education. But she was further discouraged by enrolment problems as she stopped too long. I even urged her to go for a computer course which I will pay for but she reject it due to "non interest in this area". Finally, she did her Diploma in Mass Com. My then boyfriend (my hubby) even arranged for her to do some office work in his office. she did well but it is a temp job. We have been trying to help her. We tried to let her see what people we are associating with and how we live (our lifestyle). But she is very stubborn and her bad lifestyle emerged very very quickly. I am not stereo-typing here. I live a normal life like anyone here. The one thing I regret is that I introduced online chat to her for fun. She has been obsessed since. As much as I love music, I really couldn't understand how she could stand having the music turned on for almost 24 hours a day.
She even emailed back that "its not like you are paying $1000 to mother every month" (she is indicating that its not a big sum i am contributing anyway). Isn't that money?? I couldn't believe this words manage to come from her. She does not appreciate that the bills are all paid by this "not a big sum" for so many years. Its better than she is not contributing at all.
I was paying my mum $1000/mth until the birth of my baby no. 2. $800 this year and recently $600 every month. My dear husband tries to cheer me up and calm me down but we all know problem will not go away unless my parents stop shielding her and she changes her attitude.
I am a person who loves good food, travel and live a good healthy life. And I hope my parents are able to enjoy these too. Unfortunately, I am not capable to provide these alone. I had sacrificed my career for my children and did not expect she will be jobless for so long.
I think one day I may need to see the psychiatrist first because I get more depressed these days just by argueing with her and my mother. Sometimes, I think I am better off dead so that this reality will tell her your sister is dead and you gotta work.Originally posted by starblue:i have one question... why are you trying to resolve this ONLY NOW??? she is 31, and i bet she has been like that all the way till now.. why hadnt you all made attempts to correct her??? i dunno, be the situation looks bleak. she has more or less fixed her character and all that, how to help??Originally posted by starblue:i have one question... why are you trying to resolve this ONLY NOW??? she is 31, and i bet she has been like that all the way till now.. why hadnt you all made attempts to correct her??? i dunno, be the situation looks bleak. she has more or less fixed her character and all that, how to help?? -
I suggest you bring your whole family to a mediating centre.
"To win a war, you should get some allies." ~ Grandson
1) Let you parents know YOUR SITUATION AND YOUR WISHES FOR THEM. MAKE SURE THEY REALLY LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! So they you win their hearts and support.
"The best way to win a battle is not to fight." ~ Granddaughter
2a) Let your sister know that she's 31 and she has nothing, career, man aybe even a real family. Ask your whole family to propaganda her, make her realise - she's a PARASITE.
"Cut off the enemy supplies, the rest will fall on their own." ~ Grand-children
2b) If solution 1 or 2a didn't work at all, I suggest you cut off financial aid of this bugger. You must act like US against North Korea. Some buggers must be treated this way, no much negotiating is useful sometimes. -
Not to that extreme please... You're doing your part and you certainly have your own children to take care of....?Originally posted by mumof2:I argued with her alot over the years, even before I was married. She is often shielded by my mother and then its just another day gone by. The circumstances was so bad at that time. My parents were younger and I was busy working and dating too. We were financially stable at that time. Incomes are also coming from both my parents who then have their own small business. She failed to get admitted to nus after A levels, so my mum pushes her to study a private degree course which she failed too. After stopping for a year or two, she expressed interest in continuing her education. But she was further discouraged by enrolment problems as she stopped too long. I even urged her to go for a computer course which I will pay for but she reject it due to "non interest in this area". Finally, she did her Diploma in Mass Com. My then boyfriend (my hubby) even arranged for her to do some office work in his office. she did well but it is a temp job. We have been trying to help her. We tried to let her see what people we are associating with and how we live (our lifestyle). But she is very stubborn and her bad lifestyle emerged very very quickly. I am not stereo-typing here. I live a normal life like anyone here. The one thing I regret is that I introduced online chat to her for fun. She has been obsessed since. As much as I love music, I really couldn't understand how she could stand having the music turned on for almost 24 hours a day.
She even emailed back that "its not like you are paying $1000 to mother every month" (she is indicating that its not a big sum i am contributing anyway). Isn't that money?? I couldn't believe this words manage to come from her. She does not appreciate that the bills are all paid by this "not a big sum" for so many years. Its better than she is not contributing at all.
I was paying my mum $1000/mth until the birth of my baby no. 2. $800 this year and recently $600 every month. My dear husband tries to cheer me up and calm me down but we all know problem will not go away unless my parents stop shielding her and she changes her attitude.
I am a person who loves good food, travel and live a good healthy life. And I hope my parents are able to enjoy these too. Unfortunately, I am not capable to provide these alone. I had sacrificed my career for my children and did not expect she will be jobless for so long.
I think one day I may need to see the psychiatrist first because I get more depressed these days just by argueing with her and my mother. Sometimes, I think I am better off dead so that this reality will tell her your sister is dead and you gotta work.
What is important now is for your parents and your sis to REALLY UNDERSTAND the situation.... It takes both hands to CLAP... Else, often there could only be 'slapping'.... -
Firstly, taking care of you parents is something u need to do anyways. So leave that out of the picture for now.
For ur sis, who is what society describes as a bum, its time to wake her up.
She is a bum, and don't feel shy calling her that. You call a spoon a spoon, and a bum, a bum. Cut her off from any financial assistance. If she wants something, ask her to find the means to get it herself. If she needs money, go earn it herself.
Once u can bring urself to do that, and ignore all the snide remarks that she'll probably throw at u, she'll do 1 of 2 things. 1. Commit suicide thinking that she's being abandoned by her family, everybody hates her, whole world despises her. 2. She might actually get a job and start working.
As for getting a job, find for her at first. If she don't want the job, then let her go find it herself. Honestly speaking, ur sis is still stuck in her teenage years. So treat her like one.