Envy...How to Control?
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Sometimes ya just don't know until you've walk it....?Originally posted by rainee:Could be, but what is the right direction?
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SLOWLY... Subjects are so VAST... Try to know them a bit deeper, maybe you'll just grow to like them...?Originally posted by rainee:I only like bits of it here and there...but all of them...doesnt seem to have connection towards one another...
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Then you have to review your expectations.Originally posted by rainee:Thank you for your post. It is enlightening indeed
Yea, that's why I said I am a competitive person. Even since I was young, I measure myself against others. But I also measure myself against my own expectation. And part of my disappointment now is because I am not performing even up to my own expectation. I feel like I am supposed to do more, but I can't seem to do that. Hence the feeling of helplessness these few days...
How did you even arrive at your expectations of yourself? Did you parents, friends or relatives build you up that you need to acheive all that?
OK, Put it this way. Do they know you well enough to put their own views and thoughts on you and Do you have to take their word for it that this is the "standard" you have to make yourself acheive?
EG: My relatives, every single year, tell me I am old already, I need to get married, I need to have a baby. I need to do this do that, and Only then They would consider I have lifed fully.
But I question their views because thye do not know my situation fully hence their words is just rubbish. Why should I live by their words? Do they know me so well that they can define my life for me? Would I be happy with their expectations?
Hence, I started a fresh clean slate and think of the things I should expect myself to do. I know I have acheived my papers and I am able bodied. So I should be able to provide for myself and then give a little to my parents.
And if I cannot acheive any of the expectations, I would question myself if I had set it too high or I didn't work hard enough. If I did work hard, and I still cannot get to that mark, then I would lower that expectation or create a milestone that I've achieve this much towards getting onto my goal. But still continue working towards it. However, I do have to review my expectations if someone had tainted it and needs adjustments, if its no longer a valid expectation as things had changed. etc.
But you have to be reasonable and also not go off tangent - my older brother became a changed person when I told him has to define his expectations. He defined it as he will do whatever he is happy at the cost of his family - Hence his failed marriage, failed relationships with our parents, kicked out my sister cause it makes him happy, kicked me out cause he didn't like my views. It sure made him happy. But it cost him is family life and strainted relationships. He used his expectations and set it on others - Others need to give way and bend backwards to keep him happy.
Now, we are always wanting more, better life for ourselves. We set such a high expectations that make us unhappy working towards the goal. Sometimes, we set our expectations so high that we do it at the cost of the people around us - ie Backstabbing in office -but is it necessary? But ultimately you need to ask : is this the life you want?
I definitely didn't. I want to live honestly, even with less money but I do not want to live that I do not have a clear conscience.
Expectations .. Are just artificial lines we create for ourselves. Remember the key word: artificial. -
As they've always said... You can't expect to win ALL THE TIME....??Originally posted by rainee:Thank you for your post. It is enlightening indeed
Yea, that's why I said I am a competitive person. Even since I was young, I measure myself against others. But I also measure myself against my own expectation. And part of my disappointment now is because I am not performing even up to my own expectation. I feel like I am supposed to do more, but I can't seem to do that. Hence the feeling of helplessness these few days...
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Alright, my expectation has been shaped up mostly by my parents. And now I cringe as well whenever they call me, other people look forward to their parents' calls, but I am praying that they will never call...*sigh* Because everytime they call, I will be so stressed out and be reminded that they have such a huge expectation on me that it feels like they are putting a boulder on my shoulder...
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Nay... You're not the 1st person I've heard who studied the 'wrong thing'... In fact if you really wanna consider... I'm also sort of like one...?Originally posted by rainee:I already know I study wrong thing...but no choice cos now is my final year already and I wasn't allowed to switch my major earlier on...
So now I am trying to make the best out of what I am studying...but yea, everyday is a torture...I cringe whenever I see those students who like what they are doing and it seems like doing well comes so naturally to them... All in all, it doesn't mean that you just simply can't be a happy person because of that...? -
Juz go do ur best... as long as u nvr harm ppl along the way. THeres a limit to everyone's talents. Jealousy / Envy is 1 ting tat kills...
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LEARN to RELAX SOMETIMES...Originally posted by rainee:Alright, my expectation has been shaped up mostly by my parents. And now I cringe as well whenever they call me, other people look forward to their parents' calls, but I am praying that they will never call...*sigh* Because everytime they call, I will be so stressed out and be reminded that they have such a huge expectation on me that it feels like they are putting a boulder on my shoulder... -
A question I'd ask is: how much of such success stories are true? People can say whatever they want, such stories can be a masquerade of the real picture, whatever this picture may be.Originally posted by rainee:Deep inside, I am someone who feels pretty competitive, therefore I will feel disappointed when I feel like I am not performing up to standard compared to my other friends. So lately, I have been hearing a lot of success stories from my friends who are the same age as me...like how many of them are getting offer to work here, etc...this provokes me a deep sense of envy in me...cos I am not doing as well as them.
If you are really an acquaintance to them, then the first para should not matter, right? Then the real issue is: who are your real friends and how genuine are they to you and vice versa.
I know I am not supposed to be feeling this way, and I might have even become unfriendly to them because of this. Not that they would care, cos who am I to them? Just a good-for-nothing, an acquaintance, nothing more than that.
We need to establish what is "doing something great". Do you mean a new invention, a new cure for cancer, what? Or do you mean make tons of money and become the poster girl/boy for innovation? You need to understand that most people are never going to be in this position. Sure, one can dream, but one need to be realistic about what is achievable and what is not.
Somehow, deep inside me, I am convinced that I will do something great one day, but at this point of my life, it seems like I am banging my head against the wall thinking about what that might be. I can't find any proof to support my conviction, but somehow my heart just believe so firmly in it. Even when my mind tells it that that is just a dream and nothing else, it is still there. I do not know why my instinct is stubbornly holding to something I think is false dreams because it will only disappoint me in the end when I do not do something great after all.
Go ahead and let your "friends" get to you.... if you do this, you'll never be able to pick yourself up. I'd ask myself what I want to do at the moment. If the interviews are not coming, I'd ask myself why. You need to get behind the reasons as to why things are not happening for you. Here's where a clear and analytical should take over the emotive downward spiral of negative thoughts.
I am confused and depressed over this, especially when more and more of my friends are coming up to me to tell me about their interviews and success...I even had to resort to blasting my music so that I do not have to listen to my roomie talking to her bf about how her interview went when they are both in the room...
Some people choose to talk about what they've achieved, others don't. Some people exaggerate their achievement while others are more down to earth. Realise that!
How to control my feeling of envy before it eats into me further? Sorry for the long post...
Well, let them talk all they want.....
Are you looking for a job? I take it that you are an undergrad. What's important to you? The ability to brag about what you've achieved? Or more concrete steps to go the direction you want to take? -
Maybe now I am unhappy because I sort of regretting? If I had chosen something else, I might have done significantly better...Originally posted by Devil1976:Nay... You're not the 1st person I've heard who studied the 'wrong thing'... In fact if you really wanna consider... I'm also sort of like one...? All in all, it doesn't mean that you just simply can't be a happy person because of that...?
What to do...I made that decision when I was 18 years old, and didn't do much research because I was too puffed up with my own pride and arrogance at that time, and I told myself that I would be able to succeed no matter what I chose to do...and now I am suffering as a consequence of my own past action...
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You have not met enough people and these people are also lying if they do not envy you for something.Originally posted by rainee:Nobody ever tells me they envy me for anything...
I feel like I have nothing special, maybe it is deep within me, still undiscovered...but at this point of life, I really can't think of anything that will make me stand out and succeed in life...
I have a lousy voice and I cannot sing. I have no waist. My face is like Mark Lee and lots of black scarring. I have very curly hair. I am not as intelligent as the kids. I am no as young or as pretty. My family can be considered broken. I have a lot of skin issues. I have not be able to oversome my character imperfections. I have health issues I refuse to see anymore doctors. I have a sprained back/hip that is still not well for the past year. I have so much work in the office that Its like WWIII.. many many things.
If I keep thinking about all these things that I compare with other people. I will never ever ever be happy or contented with myself and even consider myself worthy or useful. I would never make full use of my life and try to live to my full potential.
I believe in being happy with what we are born with, not what other have. -
trying to...but sumtimes I am so affected by the people around me...it is hard to do so...Originally posted by Devil1976:LEARN to RELAX SOMETIMES... -
I just want to know what I am destined to do so that I can take steps towards it...right now I am confused about what to do with my life...Originally posted by Chin Eng:Some people choose to talk about what they've achieved, others don't. Some people exaggerate their achievement while others are more down to earth. Realise that!
Well, let them talk all they want.....
Are you looking for a job? I take it that you are an undergrad. What's important to you? The ability to brag about what you've achieved? Or more concrete steps to go the direction you want to take? -
Don't let that affect you - you cannot control what people/siblings/parents say.Originally posted by rainee:Alright, my expectation has been shaped up mostly by my parents. And now I cringe as well whenever they call me, other people look forward to their parents' calls, but I am praying that they will never call...*sigh* Because everytime they call, I will be so stressed out and be reminded that they have such a huge expectation on me that it feels like they are putting a boulder on my shoulder...
If you must, speak to them about it.
My parents used to compare me with relatives and friends. It was stressful. I am in their eyes till today, never good enough for them. They have very high standards.
So one day I told them that if I compare their parenting skills to those "perfect" parents on TV, they fail miserably. Then they shut up after that. -
Maybe I do have a low self esteem. My ai ai always told me that...and he is also helping me now to become a more confident person. And yea, I tend to feel despondent and depressed when I see the people around me who are prettier, more successful, etc. Like people who seem to have everything. One close example is my roomie. It is like I am forced to come face to face with perfection every single day. It is very pressurizing to be around her sometimes, even though she is nice and all that. And that makes it even more difficult. I don't want to envy her...but sumtimes I just cant help itOriginally posted by mistyblue:You have not met enough people and these people are also lying if they do not envy you for something.
I have a lousy voice and I cannot sing. I have no waist. My face is like Mark Lee and lots of black scarring. I have very curly hair. I am not as intelligent as the kids. I am no as young or as pretty. My family can be considered broken. I have a lot of skin issues. I have not be able to oversome my character imperfections. I have health issues I refuse to see anymore doctors. I have a sprained back/hip that is still not well for the past year. I have so much work in the office that Its like WWIII.. many many things.
If I keep thinking about all these things that I compare with other people. I will never ever ever be happy or contented with myself and even consider myself worthy or useful. I would never make full use of my life and try to live to my full potential.
I believe in being happy with what we are born with, not what other have.
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I have difficult parents, who hate changes. Imagine, I tell them to email me using my new address and they refused to, because it involves changes of some sort. So imagine how hard it is to ask them to change their attitude and behavior towards me.Originally posted by mistyblue:Don't let that affect you - you cannot control what people/siblings/parents say.
If you must, speak to them about it.
My parents used to compare me with relatives and friends. It was stressful. I am in their eyes till today, never good enough for them. They have very high standards.
So one day I told them that if I compare their parenting skills to those "perfect" parents on TV, they fail miserably. Then they shut up after that. -
Change do not happen overnight.Originally posted by rainee:I have difficult parents, who hate changes. Imagine, I tell them to email me using my new address and they refused to, because it involves changes of some sort. So imagine how hard it is to ask them to change their attitude and behavior towards me.
It took me many years to convince my parents that they were being conned by their "Tang-Kee" and I had to be the sacrificial goat who was slaughtered before they even changed.
It took me 6 years to tell them that they made a bad decision to let their son have all their money have full control of their lives by giving up their house and staying in his house. Now they want out but cannot and they regret. 6 years I was blamed as the one why wanted to break up the family. 3 years I had to fork out money to rent my own place. Now my parents expect me to overnight get them a new pad for them to move cause they cannot stand their son. They think I print money and have lots of free time to do all that for them and I can over-rule HDB just cause I know how to read english...
Ready your own Signature. And know that if you want to see change in others, be the one to change and persist at it - it never happens overnight.
You think only your parents don't change? Everyone's parent's don't change. Don't mean you just give up and let them rule your life. Change Never happen overnight - its just that you gave up before it happened. So it just proved to your parents that they need to get involved and run you around and bend your will to theirs. You think it was easy to tell my parents I want to move out and stay on my own? It took me a year to tell them that. It took me another year to tell them I am never going to move back in with them. -
What is destiny?Originally posted by rainee:I just want to know what I am destined to do so that I can take steps towards it...right now I am confused about what to do with my life...
If you think that your destiny is to be a loser all your life, then don't bother to get up.
Personally, I don't think of life in such terms. I believe that we have all have skills to make wonderful lifes for ourselves. Of course the definition to what a wonderful life depends entire on how we see it.
Apply for jobs that you are trained to do. You might not like it but it prevents you from starving. Figure out your future steps after the next step you've taken. You need to define what your next step is: be it getting a job (again, you do not have to like the job), taking a break to rediscover yourself, or just chilling out for a while.
The last thing you should do is to feel sorry for yourself.... unless you think that your destiny is to feel sorry for yourself.... but I don't think so. -
What a rare appearance.Originally posted by Chin Eng:What is destiny?
If you think that your destiny is to be a loser all your life, then don't bother to get up.
Personally, I don't think of life in such terms. I believe that we have all have skills to make wonderful lifes for ourselves. Of course the definition to what a wonderful life depends entire on how we see it.
Apply for jobs that you are trained to do. You might not like it but it prevents you from starving. Figure out your future steps after the next step you've taken. You need to define what your next step is: be it getting a job (again, you do not have to like the job), taking a break to rediscover yourself, or just chilling out for a while.
The last thing you should do is to feel sorry for yourself.... unless you think that your destiny is to feel sorry for yourself.... but I don't think so. 
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Eh...I am not good at what I am trained to do...that's why I am worried now...I have spent nearly 4 years now studying this stuff, and I still feel like I know nothing...Originally posted by Chin Eng:What is destiny?
If you think that your destiny is to be a loser all your life, then don't bother to get up.
Personally, I don't think of life in such terms. I believe that we have all have skills to make wonderful lifes for ourselves. Of course the definition to what a wonderful life depends entire on how we see it.
Apply for jobs that you are trained to do. You might not like it but it prevents you from starving. Figure out your future steps after the next step you've taken. You need to define what your next step is: be it getting a job (again, you do not have to like the job), taking a break to rediscover yourself, or just chilling out for a while.
The last thing you should do is to feel sorry for yourself.... unless you think that your destiny is to feel sorry for yourself.... but I don't think so. -
You'd be surprise how many people are not good in what they are trained to do. First get the job: to do that write a good resume, and submit like there's not tomorrow (ie send to as many as possible). Get that interview and be positive and pleasant during the interview (dressing well wouldn't kill either).Originally posted by rainee:Eh...I am not good at what I am trained to do...that's why I am worried now...I have spent nearly 4 years now studying this stuff, and I still feel like I know nothing...
Most people use their credentials to get a job. To do well in that job is a matter of networking and learning the processes in the company.
At the end of the day, I am guessing 80% (or more) of the workforce is working in jobs that they did not study for. Most of the things we study are redundant and the end of the course anyway.
My opinion is: it's not about jobs or interviews or what you studied, it's about your self-image that's giving you your problems.
Most folks have parental problems (me too, when I was a young adult). Most of us do not look good (at least to ourselves). But hey, we are alive, and most of us are pretty healthy and have people that love us..... what more should we ask for......
Heads up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. -
Originally posted by M©+square:What a rare appearance.
do you mind? -
everyone has its own talent
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Hmm... wat l envy abt u... l really envy u can maintain a LDR wif The Emperor...
l personally was a perfectionist too. whenever l c someone better then me, l will do my best to be better. However tt make me very miserable too. So l decided, no more benchmarking with others. Its time l benchmark myself with my heart, so if l have the urge to go into a new environment, l "packed my bags" and off l go. Into a new environment. ^^
My parents too always compared me wif my brother. Our results, e friends we had, our bank savings, how hardworking we r... I read it from somewhere tt what our parents do not have, they will thend to make their children have it. Like education, money, a roof over the head, bah bah bah... However its their opinion, not the child's. Ok, continue abt my parents' comparsion. 1 day, l got pissed off n told myself, let them compare bah, they think they r who, Almighty God is it. l went my separate way to find who l really am and my own style of working. I only take their opinions wif a pinch of salt, as l felt tt there will be a day where our experience and knowledge will come on par with them...
Rainee, learn to be happy in whatever u do, eventually, the rewards will appear in front of u even b4 u notice it... learning to be happy took me 3 yrs and still counting... l also dunno how long l gonna keep changing. But l luv it.
(I am a psycopath 
) Maybe our generation is too used to instant results. Eg: Instant food, instant photo, fast internet connections, fast computers.... Tt's y many ppl wan to c results instantly.
Leave u with a meaningful song abt Life : Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann
http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~songhurs/every.htm -
Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The lon
g-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of
my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will
dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understan
d the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 ye
ars, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp
now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You
are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective a
s trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles i
n your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind
that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are r
eckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behi
nd. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing th
is, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most
interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their l
ives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone
.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th
wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or b
erate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what othe
r people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice
to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely
to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you
get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern
California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were yo
ung, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their
elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'
ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice
is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the dis
posal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more tha
n it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen - Yoda
Sunscreen good, no sunscreen bad
Rest of advice based on years of Jedi teaching experience, yes
This advice I dispense now:
Enjoy the power and beauty of the Force
Understand the Force you will not until you have used it
Fabulous is how you look
Fat as Jabba the Hutt you are not
Worry not about the dark side
Worrying is as effective as trying to stick C-3PO together with bubble gum
(laughter)
Do one thing everyday that would scare even Darth Maul, yes
Floss
Waste time not at Mos Eisley
In the end hung-over you will be, yes
Kind to your lightsaber be
For when it's gone miss it you will
Dance,
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own swamp on Dagobah
Beauty magazines read you not!
Make you feel ugly and green they will, yes
Just one minute you wait!
What is wrong with being ugly and green I ask, hmm?
Get to know your father,
You never know if Darth Vader he will be
Live on ice planet Hoth once,
but leave before hard it makes you
Live on Naboo once,
but leave before soft it makes you
Travel at light speed,
but make sure hyperdrive works (laughter)
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Luke and Leia, related they are
Wookies, shed all over the furniture they will
And sound a lot like Grover on Sesame Street I do, hmm
Respect Mace Windu,
very good in Pulp Fiction he was, yes
With your hair mess not,
or by the time you're 800
1,000 it will look!
Be careful of advice
and, Boba Fett
But trust you me on the sunscreen, yes
(laughter)