when love and fear collides
-
what is the best way out?
i'm into the 2nd month of a relationship.
he had a bad relationship before me, and i had a bad one before him too. initially, we started out fine. having lots to talk about and to share. but we were both holding back for fear of being trapped in another relationship tragedy. but he was able to walk out of his past. i'm still overshadowed by all the possible cheatings or lies that may happen to me. to make things worse, i have dreams of him cheating on me.
i really wan to love him. i'm quite certain he's not that bad a person, but i juz can't trust him with my heart. i thought i was able to, thats why i agreed to be his gf in the 1st place. before the relationship started, i wasn't as petty or sensitive. but as time passes, all the ugly sides of men start haunting me again. it led me to become very sensitive and possessive again.. and i know i'm hurting him because the way i'm behaving sort of reminds him of his past.
i really don't wan to hurt him. but i don't wan to get hurt too. when i put my defences up, he could feel that i am colder towards him, and he was upset about it. he sort of "runs away" when i "run away" from him, which only makes me feel even worse.
i feel so lost now. it made me feel as if i regretted saying yes in the first place. i dun wan the relationship to fail and lose him. if i had kept him as a friend, i might have been able to keep him by my side.
then again, if i hadn't give the relationship a try, i wouldn't know. but now i'm afraid to know.
i'm feel like a lost kid. i really wan to love and treasure him.
help me..
-
What 'ugly sides of men' did he possess that couldn't allow you to trust him?
Have you tried telling him about your insecurities? Trust is one of the most important criteria in a relationship. I believe that you should give him the benefit of the doubt, since you are still trying to get over your previous bad experience.
All the best!
-
take relationships with a ping chang xin...(normal heart)...
its not like this will be your last love...enjoy it... -
Originally posted by smallcloud:
what is the best way out?
i'm into the 2nd month of a relationship.
he had a bad relationship before me, and i had a bad one before him too. initially, we started out fine. having lots to talk about and to share. but we were both holding back for fear of being trapped in another relationship tragedy. but he was able to walk out of his past. i'm still overshadowed by all the possible cheatings or lies that may happen to me. to make things worse, i have dreams of him cheating on me.
i really wan to love him. i'm quite certain he's not that bad a person, but i juz can't trust him with my heart. i thought i was able to, thats why i agreed to be his gf in the 1st place. before the relationship started, i wasn't as petty or sensitive. but as time passes, all the ugly sides of men start haunting me again. it led me to become very sensitive and possessive again.. and i know i'm hurting him because the way i'm behaving sort of reminds him of his past.
i really don't wan to hurt him. but i don't wan to get hurt too. when i put my defences up, he could feel that i am colder towards him, and he was upset about it. he sort of "runs away" when i "run away" from him, which only makes me feel even worse.
Fear is a factor thats always affecting.
How about this ? If you don't put your all into the relationship,
Will you ever know of the true outcome and results ?
Worrying helps keeping him in line, but don be too tight on him.
After all he's a man, and he needs to breath too.
Trust is a important factor, you must trust him enough to tell him how you feel.
i feel so lost now. it made me feel as if i regretted saying yes in the first place. i dun wan the relationship to fail and lose him. if i had kept him as a friend, i might have been able to keep him by my side.
then again, if i hadn't give the relationship a try, i wouldn't know. but now i'm afraid to know.
i'm feel like a lost kid. i really wan to love and treasure him.
help me..
[b]
So do you like him ? do you want to be with him ? This you must be sure.
Like being a friend to him or a Mate. Its a totally different stuff.
If you really love him. Trust him first slowly..
Just tell him, what you expect.
And Ask him of what he expects of you.
Keep both of yourself updated.
No point keeping each other in the dark about stuffs that each other should know.
It might take forever to find out.
Good Luck..
Cheers Lady. Just Be honest with yourself and the guy.
Thats doing him a favour.
[/b] -
dun lived in ur past.
-
Juz give urself time, u'll get over ur past n move on.
-
Love, hates, whatever... Understand that in a RELATIONSHIP, just like in life.. Is of UPs and DOWNs... If it's all that SMOOTH SAILING, might as well go get yourself a HAPPY MEAL...?? Why bother to get into a relationship...?Originally posted by smallcloud: what is the best way out?
i'm into the 2nd month of a relationship.
he had a bad relationship before me, and i had a bad one before him too. initially, we started out fine. having lots to talk about and to share. but we were both holding back for fear of being trapped in another relationship tragedy. but he was able to walk out of his past. i'm still overshadowed by all the possible cheatings or lies that may happen to me. to make things worse, i have dreams of him cheating on me.
i really wan to love him. i'm quite certain he's not that bad a person, but i juz can't trust him with my heart. i thought i was able to, thats why i agreed to be his gf in the 1st place. before the relationship started, i wasn't as petty or sensitive. but as time passes, all the ugly sides of men start haunting me again. it led me to become very sensitive and possessive again.. and i know i'm hurting him because the way i'm behaving sort of reminds him of his past.
i really don't wan to hurt him. but i don't wan to get hurt too. when i put my defences up, he could feel that i am colder towards him, and he was upset about it. he sort of "runs away" when i "run away" from him, which only makes me feel even worse.
i feel so lost now. it made me feel as if i regretted saying yes in the first place. i dun wan the relationship to fail and lose him. if i had kept him as a friend, i might have been able to keep him by my side.
then again, if i hadn't give the relationship a try, i wouldn't know. but now i'm afraid to know.
i'm feel like a lost kid. i really wan to love and treasure him.
help me..
Notice that you've not been yourself in this relationship... Who you really SHOULD be..? If you're afraid, don't step into the relationship..? If you bother to step INTO it, being 'afraid' won't help much more than 'making things better'...
SO TRUST HIM... Even if it means he might hurt you one day? But won't that be BETTER than having to 'destroy' it with your OWN HANDS..?? Not being able to 'let go' and TRULY BE YOURSELF in THIS RELATIONSHIP...? Don't you know what you could be MISSING OUT...? Not because you can't attain it, but more like because you've not reach out enough to GRAB IT...??
Not being fair to him, not being fair to yourself... Every student who takes an exam would be able to FAIL in it, just like people who fly are afraid that the plane might crash... It's ok to be 'afraid' once in a while... But JUST IMAGINE... YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE POWER TO OVERCOME THINGS and MAKE THEM HAPPEN....? -
DP.
-
Merry Meet Smallcloud,Originally posted by smallcloud: what is the best way out?
i'm into the 2nd month of a relationship.
he had a bad relationship before me, and i had a bad one before him too. initially, we started out fine. having lots to talk about and to share. but we were both holding back for fear of being trapped in another relationship tragedy. but he was able to walk out of his past. i'm still overshadowed by all the possible cheatings or lies that may happen to me. to make things worse, i have dreams of him cheating on me.
i really wan to love him. i'm quite certain he's not that bad a person, but i juz can't trust him with my heart. i thought i was able to, thats why i agreed to be his gf in the 1st place. before the relationship started, i wasn't as petty or sensitive. but as time passes, all the ugly sides of men start haunting me again. it led me to become very sensitive and possessive again.. and i know i'm hurting him because the way i'm behaving sort of reminds him of his past.
i really don't wan to hurt him. but i don't wan to get hurt too. when i put my defences up, he could feel that i am colder towards him, and he was upset about it. he sort of "runs away" when i "run away" from him, which only makes me feel even worse.
i feel so lost now. it made me feel as if i regretted saying yes in the first place. i dun wan the relationship to fail and lose him. if i had kept him as a friend, i might have been able to keep him by my side.
then again, if i hadn't give the relationship a try, i wouldn't know. but now i'm afraid to know.
i'm feel like a lost kid. i really wan to love and treasure him.
help me..
Well you just have to let go of the pain & grief you had before, only then will you be able to open your heart & love somebody. Insecurity & fear will only ruin you chance of sharing anything with anyone. Removing all these, you will be able to determine what you want. Do not be lost, if you would let me, i am sure i can help you to move on so you may once again know how to love & be loved. Pm me for more details. Cheer up, nothing is irresolveable it just the matter of whether you want to or not. Have some thoughts about it!
Blessed Be,
Oceanos -
i had the same problem as you girl..
-
firstly, i wana thank you all for your precious replies.. i understand what you all are trying to put across to me. frankly, its easier said than done. but i will try.
trust is really the building block for a relationship. that was whats lacking in my previous relationship..which eventually caused the death of it.
i had been really frank with my current bf. we both know that each had a bad relationship before each other. i suppose, perhaps subconsciously we expect too much from each other..
i guess the problem with me is that i hav to learn to let go and give him some space to breathe.
either that, i'm juz not ready for another relationship. possible? -
and also, i not sure if ppl still believes in horoscopes.. but its such a coincidence that my bf is a capricorn (like my ex) and i'm a pisces (like his ex). i dun know..but it somehow juz scares me when the thought of him behaving like my ex comes to mind. and he has fears that i'm gona turn out like his ex.
we are both in our twenties already.. but its the age where men,in general, go out there n flirt. *i know this sentence is quite generalised, sorry to the good boys* though he's been assuring me that he's not a flirting kind of guy, and his friends' remarks about him have been quite positive that he had been a good boy so far, i juz can't wipe out the image of him fooling around behind my back. GRrr its so upsetting sometimes! -
Yeah.. definitely true that trust is one of the most important. Maybe to you... Its ok if he does not trully trust you.... But usually guys expect the gf to trust him... "If she doesnt trust me that I am her man... How are we goin to have a long term relationship?" Becoz what happen is that when any of u love bird hasnt really trusted each other yet... A lot of jealousy... too much controlling... suspiciousness come... And guys DOESN'T like to be controlled too much, but still ok for certain extent...Originally posted by ^spidee^:What 'ugly sides of men' did he possess that couldn't allow you to trust him?
Have you tried telling him about your insecurities? Trust is one of the most important criteria in a relationship. I believe that you should give him the benefit of the doubt, since you are still trying to get over your previous bad experience.
All the best!
Anyway.. you two just 2 months right?? I think its normal... but if u have been together for at least 1 year.. try to trust each other better... -
You've got that RIGHT... And SINCE you're ALREADY THERE... Why not give it a PROPER SHOTOriginally posted by smallcloud:firstly, i wana thank you all for your precious replies.. i understand what you all are trying to put across to me. frankly, its easier said than done. but i will try.
trust is really the building block for a relationship. that was whats lacking in my previous relationship..which eventually caused the death of it.
i had been really frank with my current bf. we both know that each had a bad relationship before each other. i suppose, perhaps subconsciously we expect too much from each other..
i guess the problem with me is that i hav to learn to let go and give him some space to breathe.
either that, i'm juz not ready for another relationship. possible?
-
NO 2 people are the SAME... Even if you had a VERY NICE BF in your previous relationship, that doesn't mean you'll get the same in the next one...Originally posted by smallcloud:and also, i not sure if ppl still believes in horoscopes.. but its such a coincidence that my bf is a capricorn (like my ex) and i'm a pisces (like his ex). i dun know..but it somehow juz scares me when the thought of him behaving like my ex comes to mind. and he has fears that i'm gona turn out like his ex.
we are both in our twenties already.. but its the age where men,in general, go out there n flirt. *i know this sentence is quite generalised, sorry to the good boys* though he's been assuring me that he's not a flirting kind of guy, and his friends' remarks about him have been quite positive that he had been a good boy so far, i juz can't wipe out the image of him fooling around behind my back. GRrr its so upsetting sometimes! -
yupz..i think we juz need more time to get to know each other better. i know i will love and treasure him dearly.
juz that i think too much sometimes.. but i shall try my best to look on the bright side. he might turn out to be that Mr Right afterall.
wish me luck! -
Dear SmallCloud,
Love is, to a certain extent, a gamble sometimes. I sympathise with you for having been through a bad relationship, & I understand the pain you've experienced. But that's Not to say you should bring the emotional baggage into your current relationship. It's Not fair to you, & neither is it fair to your current bf.
Sure, we'll be scared of being hurt again, but those who don't dare to take risks ultimately lose out on a true loving experience: giving your partner the best of your love & care, & receiving the same from him.
Not everybody is the same. Granted, cheating is common nowadays, but you hafta believe you'll find that somebody who respects you & loves you enough Not to do that to you. If we all lost hope because of a few bad relationships, there would be a whole lotta very miserable people in the world, & few married couples.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by smallcloud: what is the best way out?
i'm into the 2nd month of a relationship.
he had a bad relationship before me, and i had a bad one before him too. initially, we started out fine. having lots to talk about and to share. but we were both holding back for fear of being trapped in another relationship tragedy. but he was able to walk out of his past. i'm still overshadowed by all the possible cheatings or lies that may happen to me. to make things worse, i have dreams of him cheating on me.
i really wan to love him. i'm quite certain he's not that bad a person, but i juz can't trust him with my heart. i thought i was able to, thats why i agreed to be his gf in the 1st place. before the relationship started, i wasn't as petty or sensitive. but as time passes, all the ugly sides of men start haunting me again. it led me to become very sensitive and possessive again.. and i know i'm hurting him because the way i'm behaving sort of reminds him of his past.
i really don't wan to hurt him. but i don't wan to get hurt too. when i put my defences up, he could feel that i am colder towards him, and he was upset about it. he sort of "runs away" when i "run away" from him, which only makes me feel even worse.
i feel so lost now. it made me feel as if i regretted saying yes in the first place. i dun wan the relationship to fail and lose him. if i had kept him as a friend, i might have been able to keep him by my side.
then again, if i hadn't give the relationship a try, i wouldn't know. but now i'm afraid to know.
i'm feel like a lost kid. i really wan to love and treasure him.
help me.. -
Originally posted by smallcloud:and also, i not sure if ppl still believes in horoscopes.. but its such a coincidence that my bf is a capricorn (like my ex) and i'm a pisces (like his ex). i dun know..but it somehow juz scares me when the thought of him behaving like my ex comes to mind. and he has fears that i'm gona turn out like his ex.
we are both in our twenties already.. but its the age where men,in general, go out there n flirt. *i know this sentence is quite generalised, sorry to the good boys* though he's been assuring me that he's not a flirting kind of guy, and his friends' remarks about him have been quite positive that he had been a good boy so far, i juz can't wipe out the image of him fooling around behind my back. GRrr its so upsetting sometimes! 
if u were to pierce a needle onto the ground of the earth... and when the heavens begin to pour grains of rice... wads the probability of having a single grain of rice stuck onto the needle?? its probably the same probability for 2 persons to get to know one another.. and perharps to move further into a r/s..... this is fate.....*maybe*..
its good to think and to foresee problems which may happen in the near future for ur r/s... but! it is so.. because its for both of u to come up with solutions to solve them..
by overly thinking TOO much.. on the past... on the wad may happen.. will create unnesessary fears and barriers for yourself.......
horoscopes may prove to be accurate at times.. but still.. the fate of destiny is in ur hands.. how u wan ur life to turn out... how u wan ur r/s to turn out.. how u wan things to happen.. all this are in ur hands.... all this are not determined by some magazine horoscope page that u read about in 7-11 stalls....
its a new start for both u and him.... past mistakes/regrets/mishappenings are there for u to learn and grow up for the wad lies in the future... let everything start afresh =)
good luck~ -
UNDERSTAND that... What he might turn out to be... You probably have a part to play to an EXTENT...?Originally posted by smallcloud:yupz..i think we juz need more time to get to know each other better. i know i will love and treasure him dearly.
juz that i think too much sometimes.. but i shall try my best to look on the bright side. he might turn out to be that Mr Right afterall.
wish me luck!
All the best! -
Bad relationships are around to make us learn, train us up before the right person comes along so that we know how to love that person better.Originally posted by smallcloud:and also, i not sure if ppl still believes in horoscopes.. but its such a coincidence that my bf is a capricorn (like my ex) and i'm a pisces (like his ex). i dun know..but it somehow juz scares me when the thought of him behaving like my ex comes to mind. and he has fears that i'm gona turn out like his ex.
we are both in our twenties already.. but its the age where men,in general, go out there n flirt. *i know this sentence is quite generalised, sorry to the good boys* though he's been assuring me that he's not a flirting kind of guy, and his friends' remarks about him have been quite positive that he had been a good boy so far, i juz can't wipe out the image of him fooling around behind my back. GRrr its so upsetting sometimes!
Perhaps I can understand you better. I'm a pisces too and we are known too be hyper-sensitive and often overly sensitive. It happens to me too but you know yourself you have to curb some of the feelings.
But before I make any further assumptions, do make some self reflections. What causes the breakup in your past r/s? Not trying to dig your history and put salt in your old wounds now, but to move on without learning is as good as staying put. In a bad relationship, there isn't just one villian and one victim. It's always two villian and two victims. So go think about it.
Knowing what triggers a bad r/s in the past is a good way to learn and move on to another r/s with better confidence. At least for me it does but am still learning relentlessly. -
i really like this analogy.Originally posted by tir4misu: if u were to pierce a needle onto the ground of the earth... and when the heavens begin to pour grains of rice... wads the probability of having a single grain of rice stuck onto the needle?? its probably the same probability for 2 persons to get to know one another.. and perharps to move further into a r/s..... this is fate.....*maybe*.. quite true in some sense. i'm not very the attractive u see.. but yet this bf of mine took notice of me when i'm at my ugliest state..quite amazing. -
Someone simplify quick!!
-
lol horoscope I don't beveile in such stuff......though science cannot define even 10% of the world...
-
I agree with the others, take your time. Time heals all wounds.
-
hmmz.. somehow i dun agree time heals all wounds. SOME wounds are inflicted for life.
Physical
some ppl, in the act of impluse after a breakup, use physical hurt to "torment" themselves therefore went to tattoo their bodies. the tattoo follows them for life,. unless u'r talking about lazering them off.
Emotional
some experiences are implanted in your brain. those have after-effects or impacts which may really change a person for life. a guy may once be a real gentleman, but after being thru a series of relationship tragedies, do u think he will still remain a gentleman? (muz be thinking being a bas3rd is better off )a lady may once make a wonderful wife. but after being cheated upon by a consecutive number of guys, u think she'll still be herself? (being a biatch is better off)
ok..i know i'm juz painting out the ugliest picture..but it does exist doesn't it?