A complicated relationship
-
Originally posted by Kuali Baba:
i'll tell her when im absolutely sure im going to meet you/him.
She hasn't told her mum about me yet either. -
ya. but i hope u two will be prepared for the worst.Originally posted by Kuali Baba:We hope to find that out, by meeting in real life, and thus see if there's chemistry between us. The truth could be a fairy tale or a harsh fact, but it's nicer to face it sooner rather than later - we've been honest to each other about everything.
anyway, all the best. -
Did you ask your parents why they are against the relationship between you and your "gf"? I'm certain for sure that your problem isn't as complicated as mine.Originally posted by Kuali Baba:I'm in a long distance relationship with another forum member. She's a white girl living in Europe. We've known each other for about one-and-a-half years and have been a couple for more than 6 months, keeping in contact via the Net (including Skype and IM) and SMS very frequently.
Trouble is, my family doesn't approve of our relationship. Since summer I've been asking my parents to let me fly there to visit her. The response from Mum has been a flat-out 'No', while my father has been making excuses not to visit her any season.
They aren't interested in getting to know her better either; they say 'no' when I ask them to talk to her over the Net phone or IM. Due to the time difference, I talk to her at night, staying up if I have nothing important the next day, but Mum often does everything short of tripping the power to chase me away. They also tried to get my relatives to convince me not to carry on. And my elder sister has been calling her a b|tch too, when I've been sometimes reluctant to let the former use the computer for leisure while I'm in the middle of one of our conversations.
It's obvious to both of us that she's not welcome in my home, while I can't pay her a visit without rebelling. Each of us knows that the other exists for real, we love each other deeply and we aren't planning to let go of this relationship. I know I'm not going to live here forever (for other reasons). I need to know where I can take this.
Ask us anything if it'll help...thanks for listening.
I'm quite certain that most of the peeps in AA already knows my story, thing I wanna tell you is, don't be certain of your feelings for her until you meet her in person face to face and to ruin your relationship with your family over her is definitely not worth it until you meet her in person and determines your feelings for her.
I dare to tell you this is because before me and my gf are together, we already know each other for 4yrs. She's Malaysian and came to Singapore with my cousin 4yrs back and that's when I fell in love with her for the first time but her stay was short and she went back. We kept in contact but I never confessed my feelings for her then cause I see it as pointless plus there are several more reasons for me not to confess to her. Soon the feeling was hidden in one deserted corner in my heart. We still talk over phones and MSN regulary but the feelings was neutral.
It was until mid this year when she comes over again and when I see her again face to face that the feelings starts to slowly come back. A month later I visit her in her hometown in Malaysia and that's when the feelings are backed all together again and by the time I'm back in Singapore after staying there for three weeks that I'm convinced that I'm hopelessly in love with her. On the very same night I reach Singapore, I called her and confess to her my feelings.
I hope you understand what I wanted to tell you. No feelings is real until you meet that person face to face. Even if you see each other everyday over webcam, the feelings could still be wrong. I'm not supporting your parents in objecting to your relationship but don't intro her to your parents as your gf until you yourself are sure of the relationship. Even if you are sure now, does she? What will the feelings be like when you two meet up? Will she feel the same way for you then?
By the way, me and my gf are together for 5mths and I'm still in Singapore and she's still in Malaysia (mind yah..it's a 9hrs coach ride..she's not in JB). -
I understand that you are in NS now and financially might be a bit hard on you. Why don't you two meet somewhere in the middle for a short holiday? Maybe you can ask a few friends to go along and she brings a few friends too and meet together. If she does love you and financially she's comfortable with it, then meet up. At least with friends around and things don't turn out as well as thought, then treat it as a holiday with friends and overseas friends. No harm having another friend right?Originally posted by Kuali Baba:We hope to find that out, by meeting in real life, and thus see if there's chemistry between us. The truth could be a fairy tale or a harsh fact, but it's nicer to face it sooner rather than later - we've been honest to each other about everything.
If I'm your dad, I'll probably say the same thing as him and object to the relationship. -
Looking at your case, reminds me so much of my own experience not too long ago...
"Together" with her for 8 months, then she decided to end everything a couple of days before she paid a visit to sg to meet me for the first time (alongside her other sg friends), citing a lack of chemistry between the both of us.
I seriously don't wish for you to be in the same boat as I was. There was so much anger, sadness and confusion in me for a long time, probably even till now.
From your post, I can tell you have feelings for this girl. But does she honestly feel the same way towards you? Is she sure of her feelings towards you? I reckon it doesn't need to be love right now, but at the very least, is she sure that she likes you? This is a very important question to ask of her.
I was a fool perhaps, for the girl I was "with" was never truly sure of her feelings towards me. I knew that very well. It had been a one-sided relationship right from the start, with me having similar strong feelings as you, while she probably "went along" with this r/s.
But even though she "went along" with it, her "behaviour" at times seem like she really liked me and wanted to come see me and all that. She even cried once when she thought I was going to break up with her. Guess who's the one crying now? Not her.
That is why you must be sure of her feelings. Don't let your own blind you of hers. And even what "seems" like she is for real about the r/s might not even be real.
I confessed to having made some mistakes that probably didn't go well with her, and most likely attributing to the "lack of chemistry". Shrugs. Do you think
you have been really good, loving and accepting towards her etc.? If not, then there might be potential for failure. So do a honest self-check.
All in all, I personally don't think you should engage in a long-distance relationship, especially since the both of you are young. And you are no older than I am.
If the love is truly there, then by all means go for it. Take the gamble if you dare. But take heed of what I've mentioned so far to allow you to minimise your chances of having it blow up in your face.
Best of luck to you my friend.
-
Exactly. Nothing is for certain until you've met up. And even then, might require you to meet up a bit more before being sure of anything.Originally posted by laosu:I hope you understand what I wanted to tell you. No feelings is real until you meet that person face to face. Even if you see each other everyday over webcam, the feelings could still be wrong. I'm not supporting your parents in objecting to your relationship but don't intro her to your parents as your gf until you yourself are sure of the relationship. Even if you are sure now, does she? What will the feelings be like when you two meet up? Will she feel the same way for you then? -
im pretty sure of my feelings for him. it's not just liking....it's love. i simply cant imagine my life without him anymore. im willing to move to another country and leave my family and friends behind if that's the only way i can be with him.and im sure i wouldnt regret it bcos he's the sweetest guy i know. what's most important - he respects me.we both know our feelings might change once we meet but we're hoping it wont happen.Originally posted by AlexJS:But does she honestly feel the same way towards you? Is she sure of her feelings towards you? I reckon it doesn't need to be love right now, but at the very least, is she sure that she likes you? -
So u e 'girl' bali is refering to?Originally posted by kikq:im pretty sure of my feelings for him. it's not just liking....it's love. i simply cant imagine my life without him anymore. im willing to move to another country and leave my family and friends behind if that's the only way i can be with him.and im sure i wouldnt regret it bcos he's the sweetest guy i know. what's most important - he respects me.we both know our feelings might change once we meet but we're hoping it wont happen.
The white girl? -
Find out why your parents are reluctant to know her. Is it some religious reasons or cultural clashes? Conservative races have difficulty accepting people outside their own race.Originally posted by Kuali Baba:I'm in a long distance relationship with another forum member. She's a white girl living in Europe. We've known each other for about one-and-a-half years and have been a couple for more than 6 months, keeping in contact via the Net (including Skype and IM) and SMS very frequently.
Trouble is, my family doesn't approve of our relationship. Since summer I've been asking my parents to let me fly there to visit her. The response from Mum has been a flat-out 'No', while my father has been making excuses not to visit her any season.
They aren't interested in getting to know her better either; they say 'no' when I ask them to talk to her over the Net phone or IM. Due to the time difference, I talk to her at night, staying up if I have nothing important the next day, but Mum often does everything short of tripping the power to chase me away. They also tried to get my relatives to convince me not to carry on. And my elder sister has been calling her a b|tch too, when I've been sometimes reluctant to let the former use the computer for leisure while I'm in the middle of one of our conversations.
It's obvious to both of us that she's not welcome in my home, while I can't pay her a visit without rebelling. Each of us knows that the other exists for real, we love each other deeply and we aren't planning to let go of this relationship. I know I'm not going to live here forever (for other reasons). I need to know where I can take this.
Ask us anything if it'll help...thanks for listening.
However it is indeed prudent that you have no illusions about this girl. Getting to know her in person is probably the next step and if that doesn't work out, at least you tried.
However, it would be best to get your parents to at least agree to let you go off on your discovery journey, rather than pursue it on your lonesome. -
haiz...my bf will b goin to europe soon..haiz...ill be joining the clan of long distance relationship.Originally posted by Kuali Baba:I'm in a long distance relationship with another forum member. She's a white girl living in Europe. We've known each other for about one-and-a-half years and have been a couple for more than 6 months, keeping in contact via the Net (including Skype and IM) and SMS very frequently.
Trouble is, my family doesn't approve of our relationship. Since summer I've been asking my parents to let me fly there to visit her. The response from Mum has been a flat-out 'No', while my father has been making excuses not to visit her any season.
They aren't interested in getting to know her better either; they say 'no' when I ask them to talk to her over the Net phone or IM. Due to the time difference, I talk to her at night, staying up if I have nothing important the next day, but Mum often does everything short of tripping the power to chase me away. They also tried to get my relatives to convince me not to carry on. And my elder sister has been calling her a b|tch too, when I've been sometimes reluctant to let the former use the computer for leisure while I'm in the middle of one of our conversations.
It's obvious to both of us that she's not welcome in my home, while I can't pay her a visit without rebelling. Each of us knows that the other exists for real, we love each other deeply and we aren't planning to let go of this relationship. I know I'm not going to live here forever (for other reasons). I need to know where I can take this.
Ask us anything if it'll help...thanks for listening.
hopefully i can join my bf but that will only b in 1 years time..and i need money too....
can i ask which part of europe is she from? -
hmm. this is more of a surreal de ba. i used to "be with" a girl who i knew over a online game. same like you. in florida. so it is quite harsh ba if you ask me. you should take the viewpoint of your parents sometimes. like is it realistic? perhaps if you 2 met up, brought her back to your family , have a simple meal. perhaps your parents opinion will change.Originally posted by Kuali Baba:I'm in a long distance relationship with another forum member. She's a white girl living in Europe. We've known each other for about one-and-a-half years and have been a couple for more than 6 months, keeping in contact via the Net (including Skype and IM) and SMS very frequently.
Trouble is, my family doesn't approve of our relationship. Since summer I've been asking my parents to let me fly there to visit her. The response from Mum has been a flat-out 'No', while my father has been making excuses not to visit her any season.
They aren't interested in getting to know her better either; they say 'no' when I ask them to talk to her over the Net phone or IM. Due to the time difference, I talk to her at night, staying up if I have nothing important the next day, but Mum often does everything short of tripping the power to chase me away. They also tried to get my relatives to convince me not to carry on. And my elder sister has been calling her a b|tch too, when I've been sometimes reluctant to let the former use the computer for leisure while I'm in the middle of one of our conversations.
It's obvious to both of us that she's not welcome in my home, while I can't pay her a visit without rebelling. Each of us knows that the other exists for real, we love each other deeply and we aren't planning to let go of this relationship. I know I'm not going to live here forever (for other reasons). I need to know where I can take this.
Ask us anything if it'll help...thanks for listening.
even if you 2 want to get married, look at it this way. your parents dont gain a daughter in law, they lose their son. and if you are the only son, you think they would want to lose you to europe? long distance relationship are tough. you need a very supporting family. lots of money.
i share with you my long distant uncle's story. he was roughly 20+ ba. previously he had a gf from japan.started off talking on phone blah blah. he worked like mad to pay for all his expenses.
then his parents sold their house, and moved into a smaller and cheap house la. they got a surplus of like 100k or more i heard from their sale. majority was given to my uncle as he is the only child my grandaunt had. those were mean to be his lao po ben. the old folks kept 40k for their retirement. within a short span of 2-3 years, my uncle squandered all the money away, including the 40k which he lied to get from his parents.
now he is back to being poor. and made life tough for his parents again.
his girlfriend was with him for like 6years i think. now i think break le. normally CNY she would come from japan to singapore. last CNY no see her. family said most likely break already.
having a long distance relationship is tough. expensive. and complicated.
my advice...if possible bring her home for a simple meal. if impossible, break ba...if want to fight the impossible...jia you ba... -
I think you should be quite sure of your feelings for now... But believe me, your parents' worries are not totally without grounds (not that it's enough to just push the relationship over like that).Originally posted by Kuali Baba:Thanks for the encouragement, rainee. I had already planned to go a few times, and was asking for the green light from my parents...you've read their responses.
She hasn't told her mum about me yet either. We aren't very old - I'm almost 20 and she's 18.
Brutus: We've seen each other over the webcam. And I get NS allowance.
Devil: Certainly never more than a fleeting moment. And I've never paid my elder sister much attention - so there was hardly anything to sacrifice. I'm very certain that she isn't someone else in disguise. We can't keep the relationship at this level for too long, as rainee said - there's the desire to see what the other person is like in reality.
Seeing each other over webcam is certainly different... Then you come to barriers... 1. Accepting the other physically in person... 2. Accepting the other's behaviors... 3. Accepting the other's habits... 4. Enduring and tolerating each other's presence for long term... 5. (if you're coming back and gonna be separated again) Missing the physical presence of the other...
For 1-3, there is a 'magical' force I call 'strong love feeling' which might carry you through each other... This 'strong love feeling' element is often the one you would hear people talk about during honeymoon period or infatuation... In fact, most of any normal relationship often starts off with that too...
The 'bad news' for you is that you're still both at quite an early stage of the relationship (not measured by duration but relative experience of various stages) and both of you are still quite young relatively... So nobody can really predict much about the future...
The 'good news' is that I've personally know and seen couples who started off like yourself... Now living happily as a family... -
If u truely love her , u wuld do anythin (almost) to fly over , run away from home or rebel or wat . Juz follow ur heart n stay true
Good luck ~
-
yes, that's meOriginally posted by Chelzea:So u e 'girl' bali is refering to? The white girl? -
haha kikq wow!!! AMAZINGLY MAN!
-
jia you~ ^^Originally posted by kikq:yes, that's me