shameless flirting and surmounting jealousy
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Well I didn't write to shame him publicly...I mean, I'm not a perfect girlfriend either...and of late I've allowed my frustrations to get the better of me and I've said terrible things to him I swore to myself I would never say, and frankly its better one of us hurt than both. We've been having at least one silent war every weekend he books out, and ironically, although we're both ultra sick of squabbling, we end up doing that even more, for the most misunderstood of things which we fail to communicate.
I've read his reply today while he was still with me. I chose not to get upset over it and gave him a smile, which in the end resulted in a fantastic day finally. However, I find it heinously difficult to keep containing emotions which are unable to be clarified by him because he's the quiet type who doesn't communicate much, or at all. A simple"no dear don't be ridiculous" and a smile is much easier than diao-ing me. Really. Unless I'm really that disgusting to look at, then by all means I don't blame him at all.
All I need to know now, is if nothing can be compromised on, what is the best possible solution to deal with this apart from breaking up, because I still believe in this relationship alot. He will always be a good person in my eyes...its just our choice of reactions towards each other that can cause a small flaw to be blown up or something major to be slipped past with one eye shut.
I wish I could dearly apologise for the things I've said...I don't want to turn into my mother...as violent and as psychotic and as unreasonable as well...I don't expect to ruin a friendship between them as well...its just that..she sometimes brims with such confidence that she's the closest to the dudes...and worst is...it only happens when he isn't around. -
Pls forgive me people if I sound extremely annoying...I just need some release...
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Anyway wanna ask y girls jus hate it when their Bf treat another girl nicely?
As in will u be jealous if ur bf call another girl "Princess"? 
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thats not really the point is it?Originally posted by Komon:Anyway wanna ask y girls jus hate it when their Bf treat another girl nicely? As in will u be jealous if ur bf call another girl "Princess"? -
Oh...you're still in sgforums.
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if the threadstarter flirt with her bf's best friend's gf, i think her bf might be more than just interested.
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Erm... just asking aroundOriginally posted by Kimosabe:thats not really the point is it? 
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Hi Kimosabe,
I think the problem lies in.....
The difference of maturity development level.
Your boyfriend,
Might be a little lagging behind.
(Esp since you said 'book out', so I assume he's a young man doing NS. This is understandable)
If your BF was mature, he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable by being too close with that other girl. It's pretty common sense, isn't it?
He would've paid special attention and care, alarm bells should be ringing in his head whenever this other confident girl was around, and especially with you also being around at the same time.
He failed the test.
Again, this might not say about him as a person as a whole, but could be just on this specific point, he showed he was not being very mature. Or shall I say, socially inexperienced/ low EQ.
Don't blame yourself and taking the problem into an internalized problem, like this is a problem with your emotions.
There is nothing wrong with your emotions.
There would be something wrong if you didn't feel this way.
You just reacted to a cause. You can modify your reactions to it, but then, you should ask yourself whether you should instead modify the cause. Which is, in this case, your boyfriend being not sensitive enough.
I would recommend for option two, modify the cause. I think you have a valid complain, there is a stronger case to modify the cause compared to modifying your reactions.
So,
Why not you talk to your BF and make him understand.
I think he will.
If not.......then see how...it's up to you whether you want to continue in such relationship where communication is difficult. -
sigh.. It's 'either your friends or me' situation.
The guy have to ask himself, who is more important.
I'm not saying it's the guy's fault. it's just that the guy is at the center of it. He should do something.
For Kim, no point forcing yourself into their clique. No chem means no chem.
At most, have dates/outings separately.
Try it & see if it improves the relationship.
If one-on-one does not work out. it's not meant to be.
Cheers. -
Kimosabe, if you feel neglected, an injustice and feel the relationship is not getting anyway, why not do something for yourself. give yourself space and time to cool down and rebuild. not rebuild your relationship but to recount your mistake and correct them. so when the next one comes along, you hv a better beginning and hopefully one that will last a life time.
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Kimosabe,Originally posted by Kimosabe:My bf has a best friend who has a gf. Shes the playful type, but sometimes I get uncomfortable when she starts playing around with my bf. Almost every outing turns into a disaster because I'll end up feeling tremendously unhappy. And my bf hates it, but in the past when I've tried to just convey my emotions to him he brushes it off or just gives me an attitude. It would have been much more bearable if he didn't.
He's a good guy I guess, but I'm not sure how to secretly deal with this jealousy thing. I don't want to be possesive but I can't believe sometimes the things she gets away with. She says things on impulse and usually doesn't think, and I did tell her before not to say...talk abt his ex too much in front of me etc. When she did once it annoyed me and he got angry because I was annoyed. (huh.)
With his friends too he acts like I'm not there. He's not the same person with me, that I know is a common trait amongst boys.
But for now, how do I have a good day out with his friends without letting it completely destroy my mood?
I wonder, for the boys, is it that difficult to be nice to someone you love so that they can get over it. Please enlighten me, because what irks me is my lack of understanding for the situation and how I can overcome this and be nice again.
sounds like your bf is not very sensitive to your feelings... however what's new there? most guys don't have a clue wat their gf are feeling, why they react the way they do...
you mention you tried to convey your emotions to him. may i ask how did you do that?
my suggestions is to have a real sit down talk with him. tell him you do not hate his best friend, but it hurts when she talks about his ex. ask him how he'll feel if your friends keep talking about your ex.
Tell him what you need him to do. I've realise that we gals can wait till the cows come home, and guys will still fail to get the hints we are puting out there...
so ask yourself first, you have this problem now, what can he do to make it better (but be reasonable in your solutions, like telling him that he should stop hanging out with his best friend is a big no no)
if this problems real origin is your insercurities, then you must find a way to trust him. always remember, no matter how much his ex comes up in your conversations, always remember that he choose you in the end NOT HER. -
i know you may think it's weird,Originally posted by Pommes frites:haiz...actually my bf also something like that n ill get "jealous" very easily..n show attitude...i don like it when he treats other girls very nicely...
but I like it when my bf is sweet and nice to other gals... I tend to think to myself... hey my guy is such a gentleman~!!!! -
I agree. but never play the "It's 'either your friends or me'" card.Originally posted by Magnus:sigh.. It's 'either your friends or me' situation.
The guy have to ask himself, who is more important.
I'm not saying it's the guy's fault. it's just that the guy is at the center of it. He should do something.
For Kim, no point forcing yourself into their clique. No chem means no chem.
At most, have dates/outings separately.
Try it & see if it improves the relationship.
If one-on-one does not work out. it's not meant to be.
Cheers.
like the situation with me and my bf... he's not comfortable with the way i am with my friends, so i asked him not to join me and my friends. I don't wanna change my character just because i got a bf, but i also do not want it to hurt my bf. so i made it clear to him. -
lol. u same story as me. last time i got this very very close guy fren but my stead banned me from talking to him becos they are enemies and he said he is flirt. No choice lah, i "listen to him"
I dont talk to my good fren now, however i still use msn and sms to communicate.
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msn and sms is as good as talking ya know.Originally posted by fishyang:lol. u same story as me. last time i got this very very close guy fren but my stead banned me from talking to him becos they are enemies and he said he is flirt. No choice lah, i "listen to him"
I dont talk to my good fren now, however i still use msn and sms to communicate.
Kimosabe, have you settled this issue with your bf?
better get it over with, not a very good idea to drag it out.. -
How long can you go on like that?Originally posted by Kimosabe:Well I didn't write to shame him publicly...I mean, I'm not a perfect girlfriend either...and of late I've allowed my frustrations to get the better of me and I've said terrible things to him I swore to myself I would never say, and frankly its better one of us hurt than both. We've been having at least one silent war every weekend he books out, and ironically, although we're both ultra sick of squabbling, we end up doing that even more, for the most misunderstood of things which we fail to communicate.
I've read his reply today while he was still with me. I chose not to get upset over it and gave him a smile, which in the end resulted in a fantastic day finally. However, I find it heinously difficult to keep containing emotions which are unable to be clarified by him because he's the quiet type who doesn't communicate much, or at all. A simple"no dear don't be ridiculous" and a smile is much easier than diao-ing me. Really. Unless I'm really that disgusting to look at, then by all means I don't blame him at all.
All I need to know now, is if nothing can be compromised on, what is the best possible solution to deal with this apart from breaking up, because I still believe in this relationship alot. He will always be a good person in my eyes...its just our choice of reactions towards each other that can cause a small flaw to be blown up or something major to be slipped past with one eye shut.
I wish I could dearly apologise for the things I've said...I don't want to turn into my mother...as violent and as psychotic and as unreasonable as well...I don't expect to ruin a friendship between them as well...its just that..she sometimes brims with such confidence that she's the closest to the dudes...and worst is...it only happens when he isn't around.
Let me answer it for you.
Forever until you feel sick and tired of it.
I know cos i have seen so many girls go through this phase.
They complain and complain about their bfs but still end up with them.
Whats the point of advice you time and time again when you already forgive him for what he have done? In your heart, you love him so much until these are only day to day complains. You care thats why you put in so much effort into the relationship. I just hope your bf can understand your heart pain and do the same for you. -
It's cool... Afterall, what's AA for....?Originally posted by Kimosabe:Pls forgive me people if I sound extremely annoying...I just need some release...
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I beg to differ? It's not just 'the other girl' she's talking about here.. But I believe could be quite a close buddy to her bf...?Originally posted by Li Ka Shing:Hi Kimosabe,
I think the problem lies in.....
The difference of maturity development level.
Your boyfriend,
Might be a little lagging behind.
(Esp since you said 'book out', so I assume he's a young man doing NS. This is understandable)
If your BF was mature, he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable by being too close with that other girl. It's pretty common sense, isn't it?
He would've paid special attention and care, alarm bells should be ringing in his head whenever this other confident girl was around, and especially with you also being around at the same time.
He failed the test.
Again, this might not say about him as a person as a whole, but could be just on this specific point, he showed he was not being very mature. Or shall I say, socially inexperienced/ low EQ.
Don't blame yourself and taking the problem into an internalized problem, like this is a problem with your emotions.
There is nothing wrong with your emotions.
There would be something wrong if you didn't feel this way.
You just reacted to a cause. You can modify your reactions to it, but then, you should ask yourself whether you should instead modify the cause. Which is, in this case, your boyfriend being not sensitive enough.
I would recommend for option two, modify the cause. I think you have a valid complain, there is a stronger case to modify the cause compared to modifying your reactions.
So,
Why not you talk to your BF and make him understand.
I think he will.
If not.......then see how...it's up to you whether you want to continue in such relationship where communication is difficult. -
Hi girl..Originally posted by Kimosabe:Pls forgive me people if I sound extremely annoying...I just need some release...
How long have you been with him? How long have he been in NS...? Ending soon..? How long have you been running around with these problems with him...? How often he book out...?
What's your bf's horoscope? What's yours?
NS probably means he might have limited time... From what I've learnt, though things might not work out that fine during outings with his friends... They're generally quite ok if not nice being with him 1-1?
1st thing we've got to get clear... He probably needs time with his friends as much as he needs time with you... Not that I'm not on your side girl... But I normally don't believe in "if he loves you then he should be giving in to you and watch his steps with other girls (friends)" craps(?)... I think you're in a love relationship with this guy... Who's also a living creature... And as much as you wish for him to respect you, you should also have a certain sense of respect for his life... His needs to have friends... Have time for himself, his friends.. Whatever... Ultimately it's about striking a balance in his life... BUT... You're HIS GF.... If I tell you TODAY that your bf's actually a COMPLETE A*SHOLE who DOESN'T even care about you... It would have made his life so much simplier now... Won't it...?
Just TOTALLY IGNORE YOU... GO OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS... SETTLED... WHY would he wanna bring you along if he knows that you could be so easily bothered by things..? In a DEVIL'S CONTEXT, THINGS ARE VERY SIMPLE... If you CANNOT HANDLE it, don't go for it... He could have just very well left you out while he go meet his friends...?
Coming back to YOU... Being HIS GF... SOMEONE IMPORTANT to him... Won't you also like to do something for your bf...? Not asking him to totally ignore your feelings, but instead to help him strike a balance in his life... Help him manage and handle.... I'm not sure how his life's really like in NS now, but there's quite a chance that he might be at least under some form of pressure in there... Believe me, if that's the case... Alternating between a NSF TENSION and CIVIL TENSION is never really a good feeling...
IMAGINE YOU and HIM on a BOAT... ROWING.... Things are SO PEACEFUL... Then comes a STORM... And perhaps some other sh|ts... Life is IN FACT very much like that...
A CLEARER PICTURE is simply that you're having a problem with his CLOSE BUDDY, and YET... Being a 'CLOSE BUDDY' she is.... You cannot simply expect him to shake her off nor accuse her like that...?
Right now, you might like to think of her as a THORN in your eyes... BUT... Perhaps you can also think about the MANY THORNS that might POP UP at later stages of your relationship with him....? And in life, many 'THORNS' simply cannot be pluck off like that... But better still, they might be neutralised in other ways... At least you put in your effort to see things in a different way... Perhaps even befriending her.... Least you try in a honest way... Having to command that form of respect and willingness to ease your bf's situation... Only then shall you be returned with the EQUAL FORM of RESPECT... Even if things don't work out...?
Take this as a form of TEST for your relationship... I can imagine your bf's despair because he feels lousy... That your relationship with him can be so easily shaken by a simple test as such... A sinking boat is never meant to be saved by just either of the parties within.... But a willing effort to make things work out together... Or just watch each other drown in time.... A desperate cry for help out in the sea can only be answered with echos.... If 2 parties would just watch while time does its destructions.....
Feel free to PM me? -
Both of you are attached and both of you know that very well, your BF and that girl are only friends nothing more. The possibility of your BF getting attached to that girl is very slim, his friend wouldn't allow it, and your BF wouldn't risk the friendship either so you can dismiss that thought.
You should blend in with his friends have fun with them, if you keep quiet, you will only feel left out and there is when jealousy comes in. If you're quiet while he's with his friends, he can't keep quiet too can he? He asked you to go out with his friends is because he wants you to communicate with them too, if he wanted to spend quality time with you, then he'll go out with you 1-1 instead. The fact why you feel jealous when he's with his friends is probably because you want your BF all for yourself, and thats selfish, maybe thats why he feels annoyed and shows you that attitude when you get jealous yadayada..
Or maybe you're feeling all these because you've spent too much time with him. Sometimes even couples need to take some time away from each other, to realize that they miss each other, they need each other in their lives and without them, everything is different and miserable.
When you're going out with him, you must well just enjoy every minute with him by your side. If he's doing something right and making you happy, smile at him and give him a peck on his cheek? Showing him some appreciation once in awhile might actually guide your relationship to the right path.
Well then, if you can't blend in with his friends or you're still feeling jealous... its best to move on. Hanging on to a declining relationship is very very miserable.
Well this is my first post so don't flame me or whatsoever =| i'm just expressing my thoughts and hope it could be advice. -
Them eventually being together isn't what I fear. In fact, its nothing of the sort. Its just that when me and her sort of sit down and chat, she'll go on and on about things like "oh i love his mum! she always hug me one!" or "last time me and (the ex) etc etc etc" or if Im buying christmas pressies like last year with her for him it'll be like "no la, he don't like this one. Come, i choose for you." Its all very degrading, and I did try to sort of tell her in a very nice way its affecting me a little, and she sort of just looked at me with baby eyes and went like "HUH??"Imean, of course I don't HATE her its just that when she brims with confidence and spews out all this its only when he isn't around. I'm trying not to be paranoid abt things but its like sometimes Ifeel...Please I'm with him now, please try to like me and forget about the ex? Or at least not talk about her so much? At first at the very start, I took it graciously as I could. But I was pretty open minded back then. Until I began to realise how easily I let things go in the past, and how he thinks its okay to disappoint me. I don't expect him to please me all the time...but once in a while...would be nice if I wasn't that invisible...Originally posted by dunn1e:Both of you are attached and both of you know that very well, your BF and that girl are only friends nothing more. The possibility of your BF getting attached to that girl is very slim, his friend wouldn't allow it, and your BF wouldn't risk the friendship either so you can dismiss that thought.
You should blend in with his friends have fun with them, if you keep quiet, you will only feel left out and there is when jealousy comes in. If you're quiet while he's with his friends, he can't keep quiet too can he? He asked you to go out with his friends is because he wants you to communicate with them too, if he wanted to spend quality time with you, then he'll go out with you 1-1 instead. The fact why you feel jealous when he's with his friends is probably because you want your BF all for yourself, and thats selfish, maybe thats why he feels annoyed and shows you that attitude when you get jealous yadayada..
Or maybe you're feeling all these because you've spent too much time with him. Sometimes even couples need to take some time away from each other, to realize that they miss each other, they need each other in their lives and without them, everything is different and miserable.
When you're going out with him, you must well just enjoy every minute with him by your side. If he's doing something right and making you happy, smile at him and give him a peck on his cheek? Showing him some appreciation once in awhile might actually guide your relationship to the right path.
Well then, if you can't blend in with his friends or you're still feeling jealous... its best to move on. Hanging on to a declining relationship is very very miserable.
Well this is my first post so don't flame me or whatsoever =| i'm just expressing my thoughts and hope it could be advice.
As of now I'm thinking maybe its better if I stopped going out with them and yeap, sort of just "rebuild" as someone mentioned. (sry I'm replying I forgot who suggested that) I don't want to ruin any friendships or you know...make any of them "mian qiang" anything for me. -
Originally posted by smudgey:Kimosabe,
sounds like your bf is not very sensitive to your feelings... however what's new there? most guys don't have a clue wat their gf are feeling, why they react the way they do...
you mention you tried to convey your emotions to him. may i ask how did you do that?(sometimes I admit I get rather grumpy...or I'd cry...at times I do try to tell him nicely)
my suggestions is to have a real sit down talk with him. tell him you do not hate his best friend, but it hurts when she talks about his ex. ask him how he'll feel if your friends keep talking about your ex. (I did. He said he didn't mind.)
Tell him what you need him to do. I've realise that we gals can wait till the cows come home, and guys will still fail to get the hints we are puting out there...
so ask yourself first, you have this problem now, what can he do to make it better (but be reasonable in your solutions, like telling him that he should stop hanging out with his best friend is a big no no)
if this problems real origin is your insercurities, then you must find a way to trust him. always remember, no matter how much his ex comes up in your conversations, always remember that he choose you in the end NOT HER. -
SIAN AAAAAAAAAA.....
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silent war again?
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It's overOriginally posted by Kimosabe:SIAN AAAAAAAAAA..... 