Changes in a 9 year relationship
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Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing? -
9 year no kid , and no marriage ??Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
Are you serious ? (in continuing?) -
9 years.. stagnant liao?
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He got another girl.
=X -
u mean he request u to change? change from now to the way u were or what?Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
and 9 years liao.. still no marriage?
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9 years very precious. keep it intact. otherwise its such a fcking fcking waste
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both ur fault... see laa... never get married... no wonder...
thats y old folks always say... dun bf/gf for so long... the faster get married the better...
9 years without marriage...
if me....i also sian.. -
My good fren and his girlfren also broke up but later reconciled and is now married. They were together since their JC days and when they broke up, it was already like you 9 years into the relationship.
After they reconciled, I asked him why the break up in the first place, their situation is almost like yours...their relationship is at a bottleneck and they dun know how to progress as a couple anymore...as a result, they start to quarrel and find faults with little things with each other and my fren even start to consider dating other girls....
They decided to break up and through the few months of their break up, they continue to meet up as frens to tok and they realised that they still love one another. They also realised, as boyfren and girlfren, there is only so much they can give to each other in terms of emotions, physical and mentally....they need to bring their relationship to another level and that is marriage....they told us they felt that if they do not get married, then they should stay apart.
Dun get me wrong, you should not get married just to save a relationship. You should see marriage as a progression of your relationship. Its like working, no matter how long you work as a salesperson, being a sales manager is another level of committment and experience, you cannot get that while you are a salesperson.
So sit down and tok to your BF and see whether you all should consider getting married. No matter how long you have been a couple, getting married is another level of committment and experience for both of you. Marriage can bring your relationship to a greater height. -
I knew him in sec sch... and he's just started to work 2 years back. will need more savings and plannings before considering marriage.
Before this situation occurs, we did considered getting a flat
But, after his recent out-break, he said he doesn't know if I'm the suitable gal he should marry anymore... he doesn't want to marry the wrong gal.
To NotFromVenus :
Yes, continuing.
To browniebaobao :
If were to say stagnant, long ago should have been.
To Patrik :
As much as I know, there are gals going after him at his workplace recently. So, he said he tends to compare. Thus, requesting the changes.
To Gwangetto :
He request me to change to be more caring and make him feel more loved.
To mhcampboy :
Well, it's not that I do not want to marry him. But, he said before that he's not financially prepared yet.
To gasband :
He said in the first place, before we got together that, there'll won't be any reconciliation after any breaking up. He stated recently that he's not sure if I'm the gal he wants to marry. So, even if we enter into the next phase - marriage, there won't be happiness.
What should I do? -
how old are the both of u?
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Well, at least he's talking to you letting you know how he is feeling.. He didn't ask for a break up right? And he say he still loves you right? Except that he doesn't have the feeling that you are his gf or something. Try to accomodate each other and adapt. Both sides must give and take. He wants a drastic change from you or is it just some minor changes?
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I'm 25. He's 26.
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He din ask for a break up.Originally posted by dinky1409:Well, at least he's talking to you letting you know how he is feeling.. He didn't ask for a break up right? And he say he still loves you right? Except that he doesn't have the feeling that you are his gf or something. Try to accomodate each other and adapt. Both sides must give and take. He wants a drastic change from you or is it just some minor changes?
He said he "should" still love me (if not won't request for changes from me). Except that it's not as strong as before.
Hmm.. can't say drastic change. Just want me to be more considerate towards him and his feelings.
But he said he's scared that the feelings won't come back to him after I've changed. And he won't know what to do after that.
So, I do not know if he still loves me? Or simply cos it's 9 years that he can't put behind. -
Every r/s is similar I guess? Nothing remains the same forever, even feelings. Over time your affection for something will definitely fade. Love is a commitment. It is a decision to stay together.
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But without feelings, how to stay together?Originally posted by aRcTiC_sTaR:Every r/s is similar I guess? Nothing remains the same forever, even feelings. Over time your affection for something will definitely fade. Love is a commitment. It is a decision to stay together.
I mean, in 'his' point of view, right? -
maybe he's beginning to feel that u are not the one for him
the feeling has faded.. being together might juz be a habit.
yet after investing so much time and effort in this r/s, he's not sure whether u are the one that he wants to settle down with. -
What is your point of view?Originally posted by linc:But without feelings, how to stay together?
I mean, in 'his' point of view, right? -
My point of view? I'm still as before. And willing to change to what he wants.Originally posted by M©+square:What is your point of view?
Now it's him who feels that feelings are no longer there or had faded.
There's nothing I can do regarding his feelings.
All I can do now is to show more care and concern and hopefully, his feelings towards me will be back??
I want to know what he's actually facing now. He himself also duno.
Is it really faded??
And it can be faded just like that? So hard to accept. -
To be fair, I suppose it cannot be easy to be going through what you're going through now, but forgive me for being blunt, marriage is something that you shouldn't even consider at this point in time(nevermind the 9 years, it still wouldn't be right even if you had been together for 90 years if you two ever came to such conclusions!).
As some have pointed out, there're so many possible reasons as to why your bf feels the way he does - be it because he has fallen for someone else, awakened to the reality that you're not the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with(even if that has taken 9 years on his part to realise, but to be fair, these 9 years are very special times in anyone's lives as people will invariably have a change in mindset of goals in lives - which in turn would affect the kind of partner they want - as they move from adolescence to adulthood), or maybe, he is just bored with the sort of routine you're going through and nothing more - and without knowing your bf and you personally, it is indeed quite hard for anyone to advise which category your bf falls under. Hence, I wouldn't like to speculate on the reason for your bf feeling the way he does because my guess would only be as good as yours...
Nevertheless, I suppose you ought to only change if you think what he says makes sense(and you genuinely want to change) and not make those changes exclusively for him because he wants it and you want to salvage the relationship - it might work for the time being, but there is absolutely nothing to safeguard your future(as you might be tempted to think). If anything, it might actually be a cause of contention later on in your relationship(whether you're married to him or not) and might spark off more dissent. Basically, I don't believe anyone should change himself/herself solely to accomodate his/her partner - if anything, he should learn to accept you for who you're and if he can't, then I think it might be better you let this relationship go. As a last resort(and cruel as this may sound), I think you'd be better off living with 9 years of a relationship gone sour than a wrecked marriage that would haunt you later on.
Then again, of course no one is in a better position to find out why your bf has had this sudden change of heart than you - perhaps, a heart-to-heart talk with him to iron things out might do wonders if this was simply a case of him getting bored with the mundane routine you've gotten up to for 9 years. At least, he has been honest enough with you to tell you what he feels - and hopefully, the chance he has provided for you two to work something out will prove sufficient to salvage your relationship...
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Were there any drastic changes/issues in these 9 years?Originally posted by linc:My point of view? I'm still as before. And willing to change to what he wants.
Now it's him who feels that feelings are no longer there or had faded.
There's nothing I can do regarding his feelings.
All I can do now is to show more care and concern and hopefully, his feelings towards me will be back??
I want to know what he's actually facing now. He himself also duno.
Is it really faded??
And it can be faded just like that? So hard to accept.
Like - Huge arguements/quarrels.
Factors which both of you found not suitable.
People/situations which Disrupt the relationship?
You mentioned that you're changing to suit him. Did he do his to suit you?
When did he started working? -
mebbe someone showed him more care and love?
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Good instinct, he doesn't like/desire you anymore and yes...he still love you of course. Afterall, both of you have been together for 9 years and the moments and experiences that both of you shared can never be forgotten or erased...it can only be overtaken.Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
Applying changes to yourself according to what he want will need to depend on what exactly are the changes that he has requested. Of course don't be silly and go change into the clone of another slut that your bf has been fantasising about at his workplace. Change only those critical flaws that will impact your relationship, and ignore his nonsense request which are irrelevant. If you really feel that a particular changes will improve your relationship with your bf without losing who you really is, then by all means...go ahead. But think thoroughly if those changes are really necessary at all before you even try to go pretending that you have already changed.
Keep your options open and your eyes open wider. Since your bf has already hinted to you that he is very easily interested in every other girl except you, you could be a little bit indifferent towards him unless you're desperately trying to bind him to you forever. Nothing is forever, and it's a choice that either one of you can easily make to abandon this relationship. You wouldn't wanna try your best and waste all your time to hold onto a sinking ship like Titanic, wouldn't you? Be wiser and use the sinking time to search a life boat for yourself before you sink into the inevitable.
Hmm...don't you have some things that you also wanted him to change as well?
If he really want to ditch you and break off with you without feeling guilty, then there is really no point in being desperate for him to stay on. When it's gone, it's not coming back no matter what you do to hold him back or tie him up or beg him to stay on or threaten him.
If you made changes to yourself and love him in the manner that he wanted but it is so not yourself, you will end up feeling even more miserable and hurt every single day that you forced yourself to transform into his slut-next-door wannabe. Which of course by then, even if he doesn't wanna leave you...you will want to leave him for good.
Be indifferent and put a price tag on yourself that is so high and hopefully that might cause him to realise the difference between a real jewel and those sluts around him.
Even if he got stamps in his eyes and cannot see the jewel in you, I'm sure the other guys will. It'll be good to prick his jealousy at this time, so that he will realise how important you are to him once again. Unless he can stand seeing you next to another guy, then you will know the truth behind all his demands and dump him for good please...for your own sake.
Don't allow him to be your entire world, but make sure you're more than 50% of his entire world and he will always remain faithfully yours.
Good luck.
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Thanks for all advices and opinions thus far.
Will have a talk with him some day.
Hopefully, it'll be just that he's bored with the mundane routine. At least, something can still be done.
And hopefully, we'll work something out to salvage the relationship and get past this period.
Thanks! -
Interesting how you concluded without giving chance to hear from the other party.Originally posted by parn:Good instinct, he doesn't like/desire you anymore and yes...he still love you of course. Afterall, both of you have been together for 9 years and the moments and experiences that both of you shared can never be forgotten or erased...it can only be overtaken.
Applying changes to yourself according to what he want will need to depend on what exactly are the changes that he has requested. Of course don't be silly and go change into the clone of another slut that your bf has been fantasising about at his workplace. Change only those critical flaws that will impact your relationship, and ignore his nonsense request which are irrelevant. If you really feel that a particular changes will improve your relationship with your bf without losing who you really is, then by all means...go ahead. But think thoroughly if those changes are really necessary at all before you even try to go pretending that you have already changed.
Keep your options open and your eyes open wider. Since your bf has already hinted to you that he is very easily interested in every other girl except you, you could be a little bit indifferent towards him unless you're desperately trying to bind him to you forever. Nothing is forever, and it's a choice that either one of you can easily make to abandon this relationship. You wouldn't wanna try your best and waste all your time to hold onto a sinking ship like Titanic, wouldn't you? Be wiser and use the sinking time to search a life boat for yourself before you sink into the inevitable.
Hmm...don't you have some things that you also wanted him to change as well?
If he really want to ditch you and break off with you without feeling guilty, then there is really no point in being desperate for him to stay on. When it's gone, it's not coming back no matter what you do to hold him back or tie him up or beg him to stay on or threaten him.
If you made changes to yourself and love him in the manner that he wanted but it is so not yourself, you will end up feeling even more miserable and hurt every single day that you forced yourself to transform into his slut-next-door wannabe. Which of course by then, even if he doesn't wanna leave you...you will want to leave him for good.
Be indifferent and put a price tag on yourself that is so high and hopefully that might cause him to realise the difference between a real jewel and those sluts around him.
Even if he got stamps in his eyes and cannot see the jewel in you, I'm sure the other guys will. It'll be good to prick his jealousy at this time, so that he will realise how important you are to him once again. Unless he can stand seeing you next to another guy, then you will know the truth behind all his demands and dump him for good please...for your own sake.
Don't allow him to be your entire world, but make sure you're more than 50% of his entire world and he will always remain faithfully yours.
Good luck. -
No drastic changes/issues.Originally posted by M©+square:Were there any drastic changes/issues in these 9 years?
Like - Huge arguements/quarrels.
Factors which both of you found not suitable.
People/situations which Disrupt the relationship?
You mentioned that you're changing to suit him. Did he do his to suit you?
When did he started working?
He just suddenly burst out how he had been feeling for the previous years. Indicating that he felt that I take him for granted, can't feel my love, care and concern, etc. He didn't show signs of such dissatisfaction. So, I thought there's nothing wrong with our relationship.
I only know that he compares me with the other gals that came in contact with him in his workplace.
He had been good to me. There's nothing I want him to change.
He started working 2 years back.