Changes in a 9 year relationship
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Why should he want to compare you with other girls who crossed his path? I mean, what was it he saw in you 9 years ago that made him court you(ok, I'm assuming he courted you and not the other way around...Originally posted by linc:I only know that he compares me with the other gals that came in contact with him in his workplace.
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He said cos he wanted a gal like me (9 yrs ago)...Originally posted by walesa:Why should he want to compare you with other girls who crossed his path? I mean, what was it he saw in you 9 years ago that made him court you(ok, I'm assuming he courted you and not the other way around... )?
Does that mean he's changed his views on what kind of partner he wants as he grows older? -
I presume that right now, his thoughts are still very abstract. Which has caused much confusion to you.Originally posted by linc:He said cos he wanted a gal like me (9 yrs ago)...
Does that mean he's changed his views on what kind of partner he wants as he grows older?
We couldn't be too quick to conclude. (though there are signs and symptoms which laterally screams before AA forumites)
Yes it's true he have changed in certain ways, but unless he could give you a proper explaination of what is in his mind. I believe, none of us here can really advise you.
Except to ask you to leave him...
I hope he will sort himself out and hopefully he'll be sober enough to share his thoughts.
You should rest now and sort your feelings too?
Cheers -
Thanks!
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Have a good rest, good night.Originally posted by linc:Thanks!
Cheers -
I have to second that, linc.Originally posted by M©+square:I presume that right now, his thoughts are still very abstract. Which has caused much confusion to you.
We couldn't be too quick to conclude. (though there are signs and symptoms which laterally screams before AA forumites)
Yes it's true he have changed in certain ways, but unless he could give you a proper explaination of what is in his mind. I believe, none of us here can really advise you.
Except to ask you to leave him...
I hope he will sort himself out and hopefully he'll be sober enough to share his thoughts.
You should rest now and sort your feelings too?
Cheers
More importantly(and I hope I'm wrong for your sake), I think it could be a case along the lines of his priorities and goals changing over the 9 years which have, in turn, changed the way he looks at you, life in general and maybe what he wants in a partner. Like I said earlier, the phase where you move from adolescence to adulthood is a very special one in everyone's lives(and to be fair, that's also when people tend to mature a lot more in terms of their thoughts) - I mean, without knowing you, I can't possibly know what(as in, the qualities) he saw in you 9 years ago to begin with.
Only advice : you thrash things out with him ASAP - and be prepared for the worst and to move on if your worse fears are realised.
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Will have a talk with him soon and see what his responses are.Originally posted by walesa:Only advice : you thrash things out with him ASAP - and be prepared for the worst and to move on if your worse fears are realised.
Thanks a lot!
Have a good night rest! -
Hmm...
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farking irresponsible.
only voice out his uphappiness after 9 yrs? he should have told you whenever he disagrees. -
To be fair, I think you need to consider their age when they first fell in love.Originally posted by dragg:farking irresponsible.
only voice out his uphappiness after 9 yrs? he should have told you whenever he disagrees.
With no disrespect, but was there anything you were crazy about at 6 which you were still besotted with at 15? Or anything that caught your fancy at 15 which still intrigued you as much when you were 24? At least(though not much of a mitigating factor I must admit), the guy still has the decency to be honest with linc.
Anyway linc, feel free to PM me should you wish to talk more about your predicament as what you're going through is something I can identify with(that's not saying I've gone through exactly the same thing though)...
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Same situation for you?Originally posted by Devil1976:Hmm... -
Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
Your man is a typical man - in short, he doesn't relate emotionally. But the matter of the fact is that he still feels like flesh and blood. Every action, there will be a reaction - therefore the explosion of suppressed emotions is but an eventually event which will occur when the right catalysis is given.
This catalysis can be anything - from infidelity to plain enlightenment/resolution.
To fuel the flame; you are oblivion to the fact that there are dissatisfaction in your relationship. Your man could accept the notion of your individualistic nature, but his acceptance cannot be transformed into prerogative for your wilfulness. This will in turn churn dissatisfaction and when it is not resolved, you will have tremendous difficulty to eliminate this deep seated frustration that have already take roots in his soul.
No doubt, he is also partially at fault for his ineffective communication to convey this suppressed thoughts and feelings to you regularly prior before this outburst. You may want to consider the following points:
I) Throughout this nine years, both of you have enjoyed the stability this relationship has been offering, but this stability has also adversely caused your relationship to have this gradual shift of mindset/attitude - where you both turn on 'auto pilot' mode and allowing your relationship to cruise at ease.
Nine years and almost a decade! What could ever happen?
If only life was logical, the above statement would have been perfect. But such ideology only exist in utopia. Without constantly having to protect, fight and nurture your relationship, your relationship will also wither and perish from 'malnutrition' and mistreatment. In fact, the longer your relationship, the harder you have to slog to prevent yourself from cruising into auto mode because we do not experience as much growth to 'reward' ourselves. If your growth was charted on a line chart, the curve will be gradual and not steep (the steep growth represented honey-mood period and all those sweet past).
II) Individualistic nature is great for personal growth, but more often than not, it is malicious to Love. Because relationship calls for the quality of mutual, while individualism seek for solitary movement. It is heartening that you show willingness to change, but I am not too sure if it is just a temporal measure to retain your relationship or real desire of wanting wisdom to evolve yourself.
As for your man; I am not too sure if it was indeed an ultimatum he has presented to you, or just a prelude to a break up.
I guess you may want that precious chance to give it a decent shot to work on yourself/relationship, but he must truly give you that chance to attempt as well. No point trying to do something here, while your man has already decided subconsciously that he wants out.
III) Trying to work on your personality alone is like trying to dye hair yourself. You may somehow get it done, but you will create a mess or the result may turn out to be different. My advice is never attempt this alone - include him into your evolution to be a better girlfriend because only he knows what he wants to see in you. He also has to learn to communicate and share about his perception/views about your hidden flaws so that you could, simultaneously, challenge those blind spot of yours and improve. In summary:
- Understand that effective couple communication is your only tool of survival for a long relationship like yours. And if marriage is part of your agenda, the more you two should begin learning how to do it... based on your own relationship... your own Love.
- Abandon individualism and adopt mutual thinking (Reduce influence of Uranus and embrace influence of Venus). Learn that our personality evolve periodically. It is so much easier to say 'I am like that and he has to accept the way I am', than one trying to compromise and adapt, so as to reduce the friction from personality differences.
It will probably take some time. A LONG TIME in fact. Don't get discourage by pebbles thrown into your path for trying to revive this relationship because the things are intense now. Ironically, people are always doing the same thing while expecting different result. You cannot allow yourself to such thinking if you want to prevent your relationship from drowning.
You may succeed, but you must go beyond succeeding – this revolution must be substantial to remain, influence and carry on.
Cheers -
Nay...Originally posted by Bontakun:Same situation for you? -
Chey...Originally posted by Devil1976:Nay... -
i been there, go through and my advice to you,
Reason:
he interest on someone else and have a choice. when person have a choice then he will tend to choose and compare. Then all kind of excuse and fault finding will come in. I think most common is our characteristic not match, I think this is the worse excuse, together so long and now only say this. totall is bull shit. Well, we all cannot expect that if we are faithful, keep our option close, the other will do the same. when long term relationship getting bored, ur other part may start to keep option open. even this doesn apply to ppl like us but it do apply to others.
Solution:
Live without regret, did your best as your gf and that enough, most important ur conscience is clear then is enough and also start have your own life. I believe a gal like you sure will have many events when u start open up. when u have your own life, you will not felt tat worse and you will be more appreciated.
Be your own self and i know is hard as 9 yrs relationship is not short.
But once you did your best and have your own life. You will see tat the world is not only circling at one person only.
You cannot change or control a person if they want to change. Just be urself
We all support you at behind. -
Trying to find a direction for himself and this relationship.. You see it does not matter how long this relationship is.. is how well you both maintain.. He's asking you for a change after 9 long years of dating.. WHY??Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
Ever ask yourself.. why a sudden change in him and why he ask you to be a better gf??
He said he doesn't feel the same way as he did before.. Probably feeling tired after a long struggle in him.. feeling tired of being the one always giving in and getting nothing in return from you??
I wouldn't say that is exactly your or his fault.. it was both fault.. this issue has been there since long long time ago.. just that noone bring it up.. He kept quiet thinking that he can pull it thru.. on the other hand you think that everything was going smoothly.. being a gf and hearing such comments from your own bf i know is hurtful..
If he wants you to change he should give you ample time to be the woman that he's looking for... Well i know that you are trying your very best to win him back.. let him have some time to think about what he really wants... and at the same time.. you improve yourself by showing gratitude.. or appreciation or treating him better or whatever you did not or haven't done so long ago..
My advice to you is tat you both must learn how to communicate with each other.. 9 years of not communicating and not knowing wat your partner wants from you is not a healthy r/s.. after all one must start somewhere.. please drop the idea of asking why must you be the one who start first.. and not him..
Girl.. you are feeling very low and i know it.. seeing you in despair really dunno what to say.. of cos i hope to have a good ending for the both of you.. give some time to both of you.. let him think about it..
as wat yunhaier mention.. i don't think he wants to intiate a break up or wat.. jus that he needs to know a direction of where to head..
Cheers.. -
Hmm...
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some say tt as eUu grow older euU will realise wat euU wan n wat ish right fer ya.
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I think you've read wrongly?Originally posted by Princess livia:some say tt as eUu grow older euU will realise wat euU wan n wat ish right fer ya. -
Feeling sianz yet can't bear to forgo the feelings gained over the 9years of relationship...Originally posted by linc:Recently, my bf blah out all his unhappiness and unsatisfactions with me throughout all these years. I was in shock, but is trying hard to change according to what he want. But, in a recent call, he said he canÂ’t feel the same feelings he has towards me as before (even after IÂ’ve started to change). He said heÂ’s confused within himself and doesnÂ’t know what he should do.
Does it imply that he no longer love me?
I’ve asked him that. But he said “shouldn’t be”. If not, he won’t be requesting me to change. And he said that recently when meeting up with me, he doesn’t have the feeling that I’m his gf.
What is he actually facing?
It's pretty same as if you've been driving the same car for the past 9yrs....wanna scrape the car, you dun bear to do it, but drive the car until sianz that you wanna have something extra to spice it up or to make yoru ride more enjoyable.... -
How so? You refering to pwincess Livi getting dat sentence info wrongly?Originally posted by M©+square:I think you've read wrongly? -
understood.
will give him some time to sort himself out instead of probing.
hopefully, he'll open up when he's ready.
now will just pass the days as if it's normal. -
Originally posted by Bontakun:How so? You refering to pwincess Livi getting dat sentence info wrongly?
I suppose her post wasn't meant for Devil.Originally posted by Princess livia:some say tt as eUu grow older euU will realise wat euU wan n wat ish right fer ya.
If that statement is referring to linc's bf, at his change. i could see the point.
If it was meant for threadstarter - linc, i don't see how it relates? Because threadstarter at this moment knows what she wants, maybe she also know what is right for herself.
Somehow it's not a growth or change, it is the work of sub conciousness.
Growth and changes took place thruout the nine years. Yes like what yunnie have mentioned.
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Somehow, these decisions may not be right, but the fact is - it is all to each his own.
This applies to all Men(human).
Cheers -
Glad you've sorted it out, on your part.Originally posted by linc:understood.
will give him some time to sort himself out instead of probing.
hopefully, he'll open up when he's ready.
now will just pass the days as if it's normal.
Cheers -
Oh~~~ Now I noe y I did not post any essay in this particular topic.Originally posted by M©+square:I suppose her post wasn't meant for Devil.
If that statement is referring to linc's bf, at his change. i could see the point.
If it was meant for threadstarter - linc, i don't see how it relates? Because threadstarter at this moment knows what she wants, maybe she also know what is right for herself.
Somehow it's not a growth or change, it is the work of sub conciousness.
Growth and changes took place thruout the nine years. Yes like what yunnie have mentioned.
_
Somehow, these decisions may not be right, but the fact is - it is all to each his own.
This applies to all Men(human).
Cheers