Husbands!
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He is having what is commonly known as"mid-life crisis." If you can put up with it, it will be like the "phases" that your kids grow through. Let him go throught this phase. One day you will face it too.Originally posted by an_open_door:I am in the middle of a silent battle. My husband wants to quit as he finds the going too tough, that is, paying the bills and bringing up the kids. His job is go work and pay the bills. I do the rest. He comes home to a sparkling clean house, kids homework done, food on the table, clothes washed and ironed, bags packed ready for the next day. He eats his dinner in silence, goes into his room and spends the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Then bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto - Mon to Sat. Sunday, entire family goes to church, listen to the sermon, eat lunch, come home, nap, dinner, computer, bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto. All in silence. When I get him to discuss about local news or sunday sermon, he doesn't want to talk, just says he wants to QUIT! I am a housewife and I face the 4 walls everyday. I think maybe I am going crazy! We have no financial problems, no mistress, kids ok. No friends or in-laws. It's so lonely and silent. Wherefore does the problem lie? :
There is not much you can "do" for him. What you can do is to encourage him to go out and do whatever he likes. Let him stay out the whole night (Fridays and Saturdays) and not nag at him.
Let him do all the "wild" things he did not do as a teenager.
He has come to a point in his life where is is no longer counting how many years has passed but how many years there are left.
Since you are a Christian, then all you can do is let him go and do whatever it is he wants to do; pray and hope for the best... -
Women should never give up their career. With a career you keep in touch with the 'real' world and have your own circle of friends. You have more things to communicate with him. You have spending power and you can even invest in your hobby. You can doll yourself up everyday. P.S. Is important to look pretty everyday, sad to say but men really judge a book by its cover.
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this i don't fully agree.....Originally posted by FORGET-ME-NOT:Women should never give up their career. With a career you keep in touch with the 'real' world and have your own circle of friends. You have more things to communicate with him. You have spending power and you can even invest in your hobby. You can doll yourself up everyday. P.S. Is important to look pretty everyday, sad to say but men really judge a book by its cover.
as long as make oneself presentable is good enugh don't need to doll up lah...
and no all the men the same lah..... -
and then the story is he will find freedom??Originally posted by casino_king:What you can do is to encourage him to go out and do whatever he likes. Let him stay out the whole night (Fridays and Saturdays) and not nag at him.
Let him do all the "wild" things he did not do as a teenager. -
This could work in a positive way OR a negative way...Originally posted by four-niner:thats why I also advice the thread starter to get a job. Improve her circle of friends.
Getting a job would show him you are independant you may suddenly see a change in him or he may feel there a change in your thinking and may warm to it.
And I also say try bring the subject of going to work to him and see what he says and observe his reaction from his reaction is a clue to whats on his mind.
Without really knowing exactly what could be going on... Making such a move could easily overturn the boat.... -
everything is hunky dory, why should he want to quit? Like many Singaporeans who leave Singapore and QUIT... why? Nanny Gahman makes them boil...Originally posted by a_splash:and then the story is he will find freedom?? -
I feel that for women, even tho one may be a full time housewife.. should not let her whole world be surrounded by her husband, kids, parents, in laws etc.. they should really have their own life or space.. meet up with frens for coffee or do something on her own etc..
I dun think housewives are deemed to face 4 walls at home everyday.. it's their choice. Being confined to home for too long will make one lose touch to the society, frens etc. Then one day she will feel that she has made a lot of sacrifices and start blaming.. -
Originally posted by an_open_door:Problem is both our families broke down after we got married. His mom separated from his dad, who was an alchoholic and gambler. She lives alone and is on medication for anxiety and panic attacks. None of her grandchildren knows her. She lives her own life. His 2 brothers divorced. We only meet for the CNY 1st day. My parents marriage broke down a few years ago, followed by my dad's death. My mom is not on talking terms with all of us as she has so much hurt and anger in her. My 2 sisters are singe, unemployed and also seeing counsellors for their own emotional problems. My brother also went thru a painful divorce. There is no one to take over our kids. We have managed ALONE all these years.
My husband used to enjoy sports and occasionally gambles with his friends. I used to be very sporty too and used to organise gathering at my home. We would laugh and joke and have plenty of food on the table. However, eversince all the family problems overtook our lives, we gave up everything. It was a struggle just to get the kids to school and back and we finally got into a routine these two years. That's why we never realised the cracks until now cos we were too busy just surviving as we experienced the breakups all around us.
When I became a Christian right in the middle of all these crisis, I was told by some christians that there was a curse over my life. They brought me to some deliverance sessions and I went thru a very frightening and traumatic experience of being delivered from whatever demons that were influencing me. I am afraid to approach the Christians in case I have to go thru another spiritual cleansing. So we go to church but do not talk to anyone. Also, after we became christians, I pressured my husband to give up gambling (big mistake, NEVER pressure your husband to do anything). I also presssured my husband to become a christian hoping that all these curses will then have no power over our lives, divorces, mental problems, diseases etc. Our non-christian friends also avoid us after they know we are now christians and when they see both our families having so much problems, some avoided us like the plague in case like the sars virus they catch the curses too. I am a very different person now, I used to joke and laugh and was very fun-loving. But now, I am so afraid of the words that come out of my mouth incase they become curses and I have become so sensistive to the words of others in case they become curses over my children's lives. So I don't mix with the other mothers when we pick up the kids cos all they do is gossip, gossip, gossip and the church says we have to account for every word we say to God. I am so stressed out and feel like I am going crazy. How come others can curse and swear and say anything and nothing happens to their loved ones? I see their kids eat junk food and drink coke as babies and they are so healthy. When I took care of my children, I gave them healthy food and yet my son was very sick for 4 years and I took care of HIM all ALONE. My husband just switched off. I am so scared that if I make a little mistake in my life, my chldren will get back their health problems. The bible says that if you continue sinning, worse things will come into your life. I am so tired of trying to be the perfect mother and wife. I don't do any of the things that are considered sinful. I am just the average ordinary person with feelings. Trouble is that anger and unforgiveness is also sinful? I can forgive someone who has harmed me but I can't be friends with that person again and I get told off that I must love and cannot be unforgiving. How to survive like that?
MODOriginally posted by four-niner:Maybe your hubby misses the old life where your family used to do things. One thing is some guys DONT LIKE women to boss them ard, they may keep quiet but it dun mean consent, initially it can be flattering having someone take the initiative doing all the things, arranging this or that but too many time after a while it can be negative, things get swept under the carpet he dun say you dun know but once quarrel all this comes out. communication is the key.
Regarding religion, it is very impt to have common religion for family harmony this should not be forced and both spouses must agree willingly.
Though I'm sort of christian is not my place to say abt other churches but I know this ... god is very simple only, if you find that your life borders on near hysteria or doing very extreme things then that is not being christian and is not what god is abt.
A good example would be David, during his life he suffered very much, his life is a constant cloak and dagger intrigue, he either was always running after his enemies or he running away from enemies, and he killed a lot of people and even harmed his own men so he can steal other peoples wife but he had a relationship with god and god with him, when he do thing wrong god punish him just like any father would discipline a son. But he never dwell on those punishments. The point I'm making is god always forgives no matter what kind of scoundrel you are and a relationship with god is very simple only.
But if as your christian group say god will curse you if you do little bit wrong then I think David would never have become king and jesus would not be born of his line later on either.
Clarification Point: Topic starter mentioned the christians say she was cursed. Did not say she's cursed by god.
Also, at this point. All forumites pls refrain from religious comments or discussion unless it's really needed in the content of discussion RELATED to the poster's problem.
*Note. The Mod RESERVES the RIGHT to EDIT your post containing ANY religious matter as they please from this post onwards and NO debate would be entertained -
There can be nut cases among ANY religious group. Even if they're not among any religious group, they can be nutcase too. One example is myself.Originally posted by zma1:I went through the same phase with my wife earlier in my marriage. I was on the computer/reading most of the time at home, my wife was suffering from depression. We went to see a marriage counsellor but it did not help matters much. In the end, on the verge of a divorce, we both made a commitment to save the marriage (not just for the sake of the kids, but for ourselves). Now, we communicate more, we have a date once a week (without kids) and things are better.
I would suggest that you forget about those "Christian" f**kwits because I came across them before. They "cursed" us by blaming all our misfortunes on our not going to church etc - e.g. my wife had a miscarriage before and my Christian neighbour attributed that to us not be "religious" enough. Which is BS. That very same nut case neighbour suggested that I make my kids drink their own urine every morning!
You and your husband need to work first on communication - try to find some time alone, to talk about what you used to talk about when you were dating, your dreams, hopes etc.
MOD. Pls refrain from swearing and cursing of ANY religious group. Failure to follow this instruction would result in your post being edited without any notice. And NO debate would be entertained. -
wah mod very alert today
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Is permission granted for cursing and swearing at oneself?
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I am not one of those aunties that you see outside the school. Precisely, that's why I read widely and try my best to keep up. Didn't u read what I wrote, that I try to discuss current affairs with my husband but he is the one not UPDATING himself. I attend seminars on health, financial, educational and social issues. If my husband is available, he comes along, if not I go alone. Even then, he does not want to discuss anything after the talks. Certain issues, you need to state your stand. Also, a person can never be the same after 15 years. Everyone changes, even after a year. We grow mature, or interests and opinions change after each major life experience that we encounter. I also make sure that I look presentable enough, as I still have to attend the occasional annual company dinner with him. So...
About work, I know some of my girl friends work because their husbands are not earning enough. They are so stressed out, and their kids are having problems in school. This solution works only for those who have very good family support and close relationships with the in-laws or grandmothers. A girl friend told me her life is so meaningless, work, work, work, then come home housework, housework, housework. There is even less time and energy for the couple. -
How old are you and your husband?Originally posted by an_open_door:I am in the middle of a silent battle. My husband wants to quit as he finds the going too tough, that is, paying the bills and bringing up the kids. His job is go work and pay the bills. I do the rest. He comes home to a sparkling clean house, kids homework done, food on the table, clothes washed and ironed, bags packed ready for the next day. He eats his dinner in silence, goes into his room and spends the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Then bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto - Mon to Sat. Sunday, entire family goes to church, listen to the sermon, eat lunch, come home, nap, dinner, computer, bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto. All in silence. When I get him to discuss about local news or sunday sermon, he doesn't want to talk, just says he wants to QUIT! I am a housewife and I face the 4 walls everyday. I think maybe I am going crazy! We have no financial problems, no mistress, kids ok. No friends or in-laws. It's so lonely and silent. Wherefore does the problem lie? :
Horoscopes?
I agree with some of the forumites that chances of your husband having a hard time at work could be there. You can try to communicate with him and see if the issues are really there. HOWEVER, do NOT push and stress him for answers...
1st thing. Straight opinion and no offence. Given your hubby's background, it won't be very much surprising if he's more prone to go into a 'reserved' nature. His current status could be due to many possible factors (including some already mentioned by other forumites) like...
1. Mid-life crisis
2. Stress at work
3. Contentment with life (withdrawal into comfort zone)
4. Adapting to a new role (father?) in life
At any point, family counselling though won't guarantee any result is certainly worth a try... Family counselling is not solely about finding out the 'root of problem' and forcing that particular party to change, but to try and work things out together instead...
In any case, your hubby certainly seems like he has lost that zap in life.
My personal advice for now is to try and gain back his interest ONE STEP at a time. Don't go for extreme things or do things in which you would expect to see that change in him INSTANTLY. Instead, do milder things and just allow that opportunity to pour in naturally if it happens... MOST people cannot or doesn't like to be forced to do things they don't have interest in... So try to arrange things in such a way that could interest him (more of that nature and tendency as you're targetting mainly on him) and hopefully interest your kids to an extent at the same time? You can try and work on PC games (which allows involvement of most if not all of the family); do a birthday celebration for him; or some special occasions. But try to plan things in such a way that they don't just end there. eg. for him shopping or dining vouchers so that he can bring the family out... Work on the smallest of his comments to boost his confidence... ie. if he suggest something and you think that could be worked out, tell him it's a GREAT IDEA! But try not to push too many tasks into his hands for a start as he might still be in a lazy or uninterested mood? What you really want to get him to do is to begin getting interested in things for a start... Not make him RESENT and 'withdraw' again....
Friends. Quite very important thing. As related to communication within the family and his lost of interest to life... No offence.. But that's simply because there really isn't much of a life to start with? THE FAMILY needs to ENLARGE their SOCIAL CIRCLE!! YES!! AS A WHOLE!! Go OUTDOORS and LEARN SOMETHING as a FAMILY!! Go for NTUC fairs and PARTICIPATE in GAMES and COMPETITIONS!! KNOW MORE PEOPLE as a FAMILY and KEEP CONTACTS!!
YOURSELF. You'll NEED to keep COOL and stay in BALANCE... Yes. Get yourself a LIFE! BUT keep it in GOOD BALANCE!! Don't overdo it until the point where you drift from your kids and husband... KEEP IN GOOD SHAPE and GOOD SPIRITS!! BE A LEADING ROLE MODEL!! INSPIRE YOUR FAMILY!!! -
Yes. You can scold yourself.Originally posted by Herzog_Zwei:Is permission granted for cursing and swearing at oneself? -
Seriously? Very TIRED.Originally posted by mistyblue:wah mod very alert today -
MOD. I think how churches are run and preachers do their job are unrelated to the topic.
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its Singapore's fault.
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kanna one time say i didn't define clearly liao. Still want another round ah?Originally posted by mistyblue:wah mod very alert today -
Wake up, this is the 21th century !!!Originally posted by an_open_door:I am in the middle of a silent battle. My husband wants to quit as he finds the going too tough, that is, paying the bills and bringing up the kids. His job is go work and pay the bills. I do the rest. He comes home to a sparkling clean house, kids homework done, food on the table, clothes washed and ironed, bags packed ready for the next day. He eats his dinner in silence, goes into his room and spends the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Then bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto - Mon to Sat. Sunday, entire family goes to church, listen to the sermon, eat lunch, come home, nap, dinner, computer, bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto. All in silence. When I get him to discuss about local news or sunday sermon, he doesn't want to talk, just says he wants to QUIT! I am a housewife and I face the 4 walls everyday. I think maybe I am going crazy! We have no financial problems, no mistress, kids ok. No friends or in-laws. It's so lonely and silent. Wherefore does the problem lie? :
Why are you still bound to the old thinking of husband work, pay bill, wife do housework blah blah blah .......
This is not the old days which that the life, wake up times are tough it is not perfect like in TV or your parents days. Nowadays a lot of family have to depend on 2 person working to support it together.
If he want to quit ? then why cannot you think of the option of quiting as a house wife also.
Maybe it is time for you all to have a good talk, and explore other options, with more modern thinking then bound by old traditions thinking. -
Ok Sayang ... being mod in AA is tough lah...Originally posted by Devil1976:Seriously? Very TIRED. 
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AA mods got come out to have a conference to discuss all this things..Originally posted by M©+square:kanna one time say i didn't define clearly liao. Still want another round ah?
you all seem so
But this is a no-pay-goodwill-AA-mod.. really I think its quite ok.. -
Something wrong with you today.Originally posted by mistyblue:AA mods got come out to have a conference to discuss all this things..
you all seem so
But this is a no-pay-goodwill-AA-mod.. really I think its quite ok..
Are you okay my warrior? -
Soon, we will see a V-for-vendetta in the AA forum.Originally posted by mistyblue:Ok Sayang ... being mod in AA is tough lah... -
It would seem that the two of you have grown apart in different directions.Originally posted by an_open_door:I am not one of those aunties that you see outside the school. Precisely, that's why I read widely and try my best to keep up. Didn't u read what I wrote, that I try to discuss current affairs with my husband but he is the one not UPDATING himself. I attend seminars on health, financial, educational and social issues. If my husband is available, he comes along, if not I go alone. Even then, he does not want to discuss anything after the talks. Certain issues, you need to state your stand. Also, a person can never be the same after 15 years. Everyone changes, even after a year. We grow mature, or interests and opinions change after each major life experience that we encounter. I also make sure that I look presentable enough, as I still have to attend the occasional annual company dinner with him. So...
About work, I know some of my girl friends work because their husbands are not earning enough. They are so stressed out, and their kids are having problems in school. This solution works only for those who have very good family support and close relationships with the in-laws or grandmothers. A girl friend told me her life is so meaningless, work, work, work, then come home housework, housework, housework. There is even less time and energy for the couple.
He just want to live out his life with the bear minimum but you are ambitious and engaging. You want to improve yourself but he was wants to sit back and relax.
Can you just ignore him and stop getting him to become what you want?
Look out for all his strenghts and dwell on his strenghts rather than all his "faults" that are frankly, not faults but lifestyle choices. Let him live his life in the way he wants... why is that so difficult?
Since he is so lethargic, if you leave him alone, he will just not do anything and simply continue with the marriage? Learn to accept him for what he is, look at his strenghts and stop trying to mould him into your own image. -
Sorry to say this but I think its a very childish thing to fight a silent war... You only face the 4 walls of your house you don't know how the working people feel pressured when they are outside at work... The least the should deserve is a more relax home. Rather than another complaining wife.
I'm not married but I think you should be more understanding sometime. Don't do somethng like that if it is of a trival nature.