Husbands!
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Even if you are not married, you live with your mother right? Well most wives treat their husbands like their children.Originally posted by banzie:Sorry to say this but I think its a very childish thing to fight a silent war... You only face the 4 walls of your house you don't know how the working people feel pressured when they are outside at work... The least the should deserve is a more relax home. Rather than another complaining wife.
I'm not married but I think you should be more understanding sometime. Don't do somethng like that if it is of a trival nature. -
But what kind of marriage would that be? with both sides not talking to one another, one party totally disinterested in everything that the rest of the family does etc. Might as well not have a husband right?Originally posted by casino_king:Since he is so lethargic, if you leave him alone, he will just not do anything and simply continue with the marriage? Learn to accept him for what he is, look at his strenghts and stop trying to mould him into your own image.
I sympathise with the thread starter. She wants a companion, a husband and a "best friend" so to speak. Someone to share her life with, her hopes and dreams and not just another piece of furniture in the house. What is so wrong with that? Her husband should really wake up before he finds himself like those old-time Japanese salarymen who, when the retire, find themselves virtual strangers to their families, because they were never "there". -
Wah... 6th senseOriginally posted by M©+square:Something wrong with you today.
Are you okay my warrior?
Ok lah... wondering about work only...
Anyways he he he... -
Being a mod in ANYWHERE is TOUGH!Originally posted by mistyblue:Ok Sayang ... being mod in AA is tough lah...
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Maybe he's just being more focused as being the only bread-winner at this moment?Originally posted by zma1:But what kind of marriage would that be? with both sides not talking to one another, one party totally disinterested in everything that the rest of the family does etc. Might as well not have a husband right?
I sympathise with the thread starter. She wants a companion, a husband and a "best friend" so to speak. Someone to share her life with, her hopes and dreams and not just another piece of furniture in the house. What is so wrong with that? Her husband should really wake up before he finds himself like those old-time Japanese salarymen who, when the retire, find themselves virtual strangers to their families, because they were never "there".
Not saying that so he could be excused of all the rest of the things this wife is looking forward to... But do you know the PRESSURE of having to work SO HARD so that you can just keep the job? And if YOU FAIL, what would you be eating..? What would your wife and children be feeding on...? How to handle the bills? Not to mention that he probably doesn't as much enjoy being a 'zombie' who goes to work for a 'battle' and return home with less than half of himself... Do you really think he enjoy being a creature with 'no life'? Trying to gather at least that little bit of 'meaning' or entertainment for himself in front of his computer...?
Personally, I think it's pretty EASY but CRUEL to just label him as 'BAD'. Even if you hope for him to be more focused on the things around him, you'll just need to give him more time and guidance...? -
Hi there!....from a man's point of view...he spends his time maybe in chat rooms...sian alot of charbor liao and feels very thrills and sexcited...thats why his PC is his second life...most likely(90%)...he has a secret GF...he can easily sian charbor in net chats thats why he wants to quit this tiring life...GOD BLESS U!...cheers!!!!
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I don't think it's productive to be playing the blame game in this situation. Instead of blaming either party, we should be more focussed on giving advice on how to resolve the problems amicably and positively.
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Dear an_open_door,Originally posted by an_open_door:Thanks for the compliment! I studied up to 'O' levels but I love to read n read n read. I have tried looking for a part-time job but the offers are really miserable, a tuition coordinator agency offered me $3 an hour, an education centre offered me $6 an hour. If I go out to work, I get a part-time maid to help me clean the house, it costs me $10 an hour. I used to get $3500 per month but of course that was 10 years ago before the kids arrived. My personal advice to the younger ladies out there is NEVER give up your career for your family for too long. You will not make it back there and when the kids are grown, they really don't need a full-time mum and you are stuck.
I have tried getting the husband to "wake" up. We have been to overseas holidays, shopping, movies, picnics, bbqs etc. I have to organise all these activities, he just seems emotionally absent during all these outings. The shopping trips got so bad, he was just dragging himself around, I now do the shopping either on my own or with my kids. I thought maybe he feels less of a man since these activities are organised by me, so I tried asking him to organise an outing or holiday, but he did not know how to do it. So I discreetly gave him some agency names and left him to learn. He started to give all sorts of excuses and in the end I had to do it. Even eating out is a problem. I have to do everything. Once I asked him to order, but the kids did not eat what he had ordered cos he does not know what they like to eat, since he never talks to them. Then he got angry, shouted at me and said he "bo-chap" and will leave me to do all this. I told him that he has to learn what the kids like, but I can't get through. He has never been involved in their studies or their lives. It seems he has just been following behind like a black shadow. I have not realised this, but I am beginning to see it now. He must be a very unhappy man. Yet he can't speak up his problems. I try to ask him for his opinion on anything, the elections, changes in the education system, he says he doesn't know. He's got no opinions on anything. What else can I do?
Are you sure you are open door, sound more like a close door to me. You say it with 'O' level can get $3500 that was donkey year when police wear shorts. Please dig yourself out to the real world, ask around how many degree holders out there that work for years and yet to get $3500 ? and how many are out of jobs ?
Think you forgot to be thankful, you already taken for grant your good life and fine fault with it. You get hoildays, shopping trips .... but have you ever ask yourself, why your husband seem emotionally drainned ? Did you even stop to think how much strenght, effort, blood and soul he have given up to earn that type of money in the tough job market to be able to bring you on hoildays and shopping trips, of course he is drainned.
If he working his ass off to provide for hoilday, what is so wrong of expecting the non-working wife to make all the hoilday booking and arrangements. You think bossess so good pay your hubby to use office time to do it ?
You a problem woman, you ask him to order in resturant, if he not order, you and your kid fuss over it !!! Instead of blaming yourself for spoilting the kids to be picky on food, you blame your husband. Of course everything he does - you all not happy , do you also not happy, of course he is dare not get involve with you and your kids !!!
Of course he is a unhappy man !
What you to do ? get out of your housewife and see back what is really happening outside, it is no longer the good old sunshine days that you left it to be a housewife, it is raining days which your husband have to struggle. Maybe instead of complaining about him getting his clothes and your house wet, maybe it is time for you to wait outside and hold a umbrella for him to shelter him from the rain into the house. -
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its always gong suo gong you li, po suo po you li.....
cool down....
its really not up to us to judge anything who is right and who is wrong....
and anyway any problem arises have a cause and even the cause has a reason behind it....its all snow ball effect..... -
I think both of you have to make appointment to see the counsellor. The counsellor would be able to tell you what your husband is thinking, and why is he feeling depress. Stop pushing the problem to him or he to you bcos it wont help. You have to take action though it is tough..you got to face reality!
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try talking to him.. he may be facing a great deal of stress from work and being the sole-breadwinner, he must keep himself employed, even with the influx of cheap FT and young grads.
the things that has happened to both your families may have made him "given up hope". Make him see the beautiful side of life and your family, but firstly you must change the way you look at him.
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you want him to be still passionate, showing he loves you, spontenous, romantic, sweet, interested in bringing you out, higher sex drive. right? hmm find another lover ?
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From a married man's point of view or a boy's point of view?Originally posted by seow_j:Hi there!....from a man's point of view...he spends his time maybe in chat rooms...sian alot of charbor liao and feels very thrills and sexcited...thats why his PC is his second life...most likely(90%)...he has a secret GF...he can easily sian charbor in net chats thats why he wants to quit this tiring life...GOD BLESS U!...cheers!!!! -
communication problem
get him to open up
read on ways on how to do it -
In all problem marriage, both husband and wife should seek counselling together, instead of just the troubled spouse. There are a lot of family and marriage counsellor out there giving group retreat/workshops for couples or private session for those who are more reserved.
Go to MCYS website. You will see a whole list of non profit organisation offering such help. Help is everywhere. Just that your husband needs to accept that there is a problem. -
no friends n in-laws?Originally posted by an_open_door:I am in the middle of a silent battle. My husband wants to quit as he finds the going too tough, that is, paying the bills and bringing up the kids. His job is go work and pay the bills. I do the rest. He comes home to a sparkling clean house, kids homework done, food on the table, clothes washed and ironed, bags packed ready for the next day. He eats his dinner in silence, goes into his room and spends the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Then bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto - Mon to Sat. Sunday, entire family goes to church, listen to the sermon, eat lunch, come home, nap, dinner, computer, bedtime. Ditto, ditto, ditto. All in silence. When I get him to discuss about local news or sunday sermon, he doesn't want to talk, just says he wants to QUIT! I am a housewife and I face the 4 walls everyday. I think maybe I am going crazy! We have no financial problems, no mistress, kids ok. No friends or in-laws. It's so lonely and silent. Wherefore does the problem lie? : goodness! no wonder he spends so much time on the computer...chatting wif who? net frens? net mistress perhaps?
u might like to check it out again...no communications means any relationship will bound to die down and fail. time to wakey and be real. -
Clarification: I did not say I am an open door. I am searching for an open door that's why I joined this forum to get a more global picture of the situation.
Clarification: Giving feedback is different from complaining. Eg if the hubby orders spicy food or gives fish with bones in it to the kids, we keep quiet, smile sweetly and give them to the kids? Problem is he is so out of touch he does not know or care what his children eats. Is this spoiling the kids?
Clarification: I used to work and came home to do the household chores, take care of the kids, put food on the table and everything else. Now he goes to work and comes home to a clean home, kids homework DONE! all school problems taken care of, dinner on the table, fruits cut and waiting, fridge and kitchen cupboard stocked up, laundry in place. His friends problem - one side of socks missing, shirts burnt or missing cos maid has misplaced them. We got no maid, so no maid problem. he doesn't even have to top up the toothpaste or toilet roll, like hotel ok? Still need to go out and shelter him from the rain? That would be really suffocating. I don't even do that to my son. I buy him an umbrella and tell him to use it if it "rains".
Clarification: If I choose and plan the holiday, I am being controlling. If he choose, he picks places suitable for adults, he has no idea how to include the kids. So we just give him face and follow? Point here to all young men and women: if u r not ready for the sacrifices and responsbilities of a family, remain single. It's not tien mi mi, tien mi mi forever!
Clarification: Is working life really all that bad? Donkey Monkey years ago, I started with $900 pm and retired years later with $3500 pm. Cos I was willing to work hard, read up and learn and contribute. Working life is good cos u get paid, CPF is growing, u get medical and social benefits, u get experience for the next better post, n if u r lucky u make one or two real friends. Not like this anymore? Please update me.
So we live in a real world with real people with real problems!
No offence meant, no offence taken. We r all just communicating honestly! -
reading ur clarifications, i came to realise something...who are we to tell u or give any advises whatsoever when the problem u are having is domestic in nature. and are you trying to gather sympathy votes here? or trying to find a friend, perhaps? what's your objective/motive in this forum?
you should instead proceed to talk things over with your husband and if he doesn't want to talk about it, then go to a professional counsellor.
period. -
No motive, just to c if anyone out there has gone thru same kind of domestic problem and solved them thru counselling or whatever magic potion.
Looks like no one has.
I have decided to go see a professional counsellor.
Thanks 4 all yr views.
Period. -
Yes, professional counsellor is the way to go.Originally posted by an_open_door:No motive, just to c if anyone out there has gone thru same kind of domestic problem and solved them thru counselling or whatever magic potion.
Looks like no one has.
I have decided to go see a professional counsellor.
Thanks 4 all yr views.
Period.
Cheers -
then who take care of kids? u? lolOriginally posted by dragg:your english is quite good. i think it is fair to assume you are educated.
why dont you work? -
All the best. Remember: have an open mind when seeking the counsellor.Originally posted by an_open_door:No motive, just to c if anyone out there has gone thru same kind of domestic problem and solved them thru counselling or whatever magic potion.
Looks like no one has.
I have decided to go see a professional counsellor.
Thanks 4 all yr views.
Period.
I am sure he/she can help you. -
my gd fren has gone for it b4. she n her hubby came out better after 10 sessions and d hubby can handle family issues better, talk to her better n the kids.Originally posted by an_open_door:No motive, just to c if anyone out there has gone thru same kind of domestic problem and solved them thru counselling or whatever magic potion.
Looks like no one has.
I have decided to go see a professional counsellor.
Thanks 4 all yr views.
Period.
hope this can help u be more positive.
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Hmm.Originally posted by an_open_door:No motive, just to c if anyone out there has gone thru same kind of domestic problem and solved them thru counselling or whatever magic potion.
Looks like no one has.
I have decided to go see a professional counsellor.
Thanks 4 all yr views.
Period.
I think it's cool.
But please remember your objective to see a professional counsellor is to try and solve your problem... Or RATHER... Change the situation for the better of EVERYONE... Often, only when it's a 'win win' situation then the other party would be more likely to change...
Have patience too...? For 'miracle' for such cases often don't happen overnight...