Don't love you no more..
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I've been with a guy for the past 4 years, and im 21 years old now. But lately i have realized that i no longer have the same feelings i did when we first started going out. But at the same time, im so indebted to him, cus he gave me so much support when i was studying in the States, and he was in the Navy. Time difference, plus my busy schedule, plus the fact that i was hardly at home during weekends (partying), yet he stuck through and i appreciated having an anchor so rock-solid. Once i returned home, its been different, my feelings are different. Even he commented that i dont like to cuddle up anymore etc etc (you know..). And i come up with some lame excuse & yet he accepts it. I don't know where im headed. My parents wouldn't approve of him as hes not the academic sort, but my family is REALLY academics-oriented (Harvard, MIT, Cornell, and for me- Purdue). So i always tell myself that IF i want to end it, i better to it now before i'm in too deep.
Yet, i'm so confused because i don't want to throw away this relationship based on the fact that 'i don't love him anymore' & also because i don't want to hurt him. He's told me so many times, not to leave him ever, that he will marry me, & so much stuff that it really hurts me to even THINk that my feelings aren't there anymore. I need help & pronto!
Thanks ya`all. I really appreciate the time you took out to read a little part about my life. -
I think what you are going through is no fault of yours. Feelings cannot be force upon and even though someone may have done lots for you, it definitely takes more than just actions. It's the whoile package of intellectual connection as well. YOu have been overseas opening up new horizons and exploring new things while he is in teh navy...seriously, what can being in saf do to one's intellect. If you were that simple, then maybe the both of you can still be together in heart and soul but unfortunately or fortunately, its up to you to decide what you want in life. The critical point is when you are young. Feelinsg changes the fastest at that age group where we start to find our way in life, be it saf or studies...you call it teenage angst.
I was once in that situation but am no more cause I seek out new things and am boldly going where no one has...
cheers
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Well, i think this is happen to many couples that had long term relationship. Sometimes either party will take for granted and felt the love is lost. Because so get used and comfortable to each other side, the feeling of love to the other party is numb. This is most especially for people that have a very outgoing characters.
Is easy, when lost it, then you will know how important this relationship to you. Untill you lost it, you will never know. But by then it will be too late to regret.
Is all in your mind, to love or not to love. to keep yourself to one or to have fun. Frankly true love is all about appreciation. If one do not know how to appreciate, love cannot stay long. and you will be in this circle keep coming back to the same point.
My advice is that, you both pak to too long, the feeling is not subsided but felt numb only. To start a new relationship is easy, to maintain needs determination, to be forever needs commitment.
Try not to have own circle of friends and activities, let's each other do things together, know each other friends, join each other activities and enjoy happy and exciting events together instead going out with others.
Love needs spark, and is both your responsible to make this spark. One side will never work, needs both hands to claps.
Believe me, I went through this, don't let it something bad happened then only regret because it will never be the same again.
Sincerely wish you and him the best. -
Thanks alot. That was really helpful. But i just dont know how to go about it. The mere thought of me makes my heart palpitate. Plus he has a bad temper, so i am afraid he may do something awful.
God, why is this so bloody complicated?
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Long distance relationship is very hard to maintain. If u are haviing 2nd thoughts, then better to let him know, don't waste his time.
Just let him know u are not ready & wants to concentrate on your studies. -
vivasg, that was brilliant.
I truely understood what you were trying to convey. Especially the part where you say that the love may be gone, or it may have just numbed. And the only way to find out is if you end the relationship, but by that time, it'd be too late. That is just too true. That's exactly what i feel right now.
Furthermore, he loves me unconditionally, & i doubt i can ever find someone like that. Although he has his flaws that really gets on my nerves, i find that i have a great time when we're out. Especially so, since i'm an outgoing person, it's become so comfortable with him, just like what you said, vivasg.
I think i will just stick it out. Will try incorporating out ativites together, to get that spark going again. I'm determined to give it another shot, because i don't want to regret my decision if we split up.
Thank you both! -
Gerry, i'm back in Singapore now, working. He's just ORDed. SO he's looking for somewhere to study now. What makes this situation worse is that he's studying solely for reason for getting that certifiation to prove that he's worthy of my parents approval. It would be just SO wrong if i end it, so selfish of me.
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I feel you should be completely honest about how you're feeling about him. Tell him everything like what you've typed out. If he chooses to continue investing in the relationship, and if things don't work out in the end, at least it was his conscious decision and he was not led on.Originally posted by sassysapphire86:Gerry, i'm back in Singapore now, working. He's just ORDed. SO he's looking for somewhere to study now. What makes this situation worse is that he's studying solely for reason for getting that certifiation to prove that he's worthy of my parents approval. It would be just SO wrong if i end it, so selfish of me.
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the biggest part u need to sort is do u actually love him? do you still wan to stay or not? if u wan to stay then go reginite the love with him watever way u can tink of then enjoy ur life with him without those crap from ur parents...Originally posted by sassysapphire86:I've been with a guy for the past 4 years, and im 21 years old now. But lately i have realized that i no longer have the same feelings i did when we first started going out. But at the same time, im so indebted to him, cus he gave me so much support when i was studying in the States, and he was in the Navy. Time difference, plus my busy schedule, plus the fact that i was hardly at home during weekends (partying), yet he stuck through and i appreciated having an anchor so rock-solid. Once i returned home, its been different, my feelings are different. Even he commented that i dont like to cuddle up anymore etc etc (you know..). And i come up with some lame excuse & yet he accepts it. I don't know where im headed. My parents wouldn't approve of him as hes not the academic sort, but my family is REALLY academics-oriented (Harvard, MIT, Cornell, and for me- Purdue). So i always tell myself that IF i want to end it, i better to it now before i'm in too deep.
Yet, i'm so confused because i don't want to throw away this relationship based on the fact that 'i don't love him anymore' & also because i don't want to hurt him. He's told me so many times, not to leave him ever, that he will marry me, & so much stuff that it really hurts me to even THINk that my feelings aren't there anymore. I need help & pronto!
Thanks ya`all. I really appreciate the time you took out to read a little part about my life. -
1 excuse i hate about in a relationship is the parents crap.
and usually from my experience hor, alot of guys who have high cert qualifications usually have the more bian tai mentality.
have u actually told ur parents about ur bf? have u told them all those things he has done for u while u were abroad?
have u actually introduced ur bf to them? if u have not done those above how would u know they would disapprove of him becos of his low qualifications.
A cert means nth but a piece of paper where u spend lots of money and time getting it. He might not be a straight A student in school but that doesnt mean he does not have a good personality. -
Is there anything u can do to rekindle the flame?
Parents aside.. it all boils down to whether you also mind that he is not an academic person.
Why do u dun love him anymore?
Find out the root of the problem and tackle it.
I think the poor guy needs a chance.
he din do anything wrong anyway, right? -
4 years down the drain like that. That is sad.
But its ok. My friend was attach with someone for 10 years. And they just broke up too.
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well, i think now is not the time keep digging the hole and think why i felt this, do i love him blah blah blah... this is going to make things worse. keep thinking i don't like him or don't love him , y this and that, this is only making urself more confused more frustration.
the world we lived in is full of temptation and frankly we do really meet others we like or enjoy with. That is y i say need determination. So sometimes we need to prevent ourself to making a bigger hole, so be very careful when going out with other opposite sex cz at this stage is easy for you to fall for others.
I believe since you both alrdy 4 yrs relationship, that show u both can adapt to each other and definely there's love. do u ever heard that true love never run smooth... so needs commitment
So I'm a simple guy, using simple method. Just try do something new things together. or try go for some vacation together in other place which is both new to you two(not necessary an expensive one) or even can just go east coast camping. The flow will create itself Happy moments will rekindle all the feelings.
man and woman are like this, there is some chemistry of mutual attraction. So just enjoy ur outing with him and make some new changes to both of you. Then you will discover that true love is not meant to be take for granted but needs constantly adapts to each other
wish you 2 happy fall in love -
It's a double edged sword. If you be 'honest', there might just be more 'confusion' kicking in where there might be no return for things...?Originally posted by choco B:I feel you should be completely honest about how you're feeling about him. Tell him everything like what you've typed out. If he chooses to continue investing in the relationship, and if things don't work out in the end, at least it was his conscious decision and he was not led on. -
your future husband wll be marrying you or your family?
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If a man is ready to invest money (for his education) to help the relationship, & is seriously planning marriage in the near future, while the girl is hovering at the 50-50 line contemplating a breakup, I think she owes it to him to be completely honest.
It depends how she approaches it and how he takes it. I think if she tells him she wants to work at the relationship, her effort is all the more appreciated and he may even help her along cos he understands the state of mind she's in.Originally posted by Devil1976:It's a double edged sword. If you be 'honest', there might just be more 'confusion' kicking in where there might be no return for things...? -
i think life is simple but humans must make it complicated.Originally posted by choco B:If a man is ready to invest money (for his education) to help the relationship, & is seriously planning marriage in the near future, while the girl is hovering at the 50-50 line contemplating a breakup, I think she owes it to him to be completely honest.
It depends how she approaches it and how he takes it. I think if she tells him she wants to work at the relationship, her effort is all the more appreciated and he may even help her along cos he understands the state of mind she's in.
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Issit?
I think they just naturally grew apart.Originally posted by kopiosatu:i think life is simple but humans must make it complicated. -
Originally posted by sassysapphire86:I've been with a guy for the past 4 years, and im 21 years old now. But lately i have realized that i no longer have the same feelings i did when we first started going out. But at the same time, im so indebted to him, cus he gave me so much support when i was studying in the States, and he was in the Navy. Time difference, plus my busy schedule, plus the fact that i was hardly at home during weekends (partying), yet he stuck through and i appreciated having an anchor so rock-solid. Once i returned home, its been different, my feelings are different. Even he commented that i dont like to cuddle up anymore etc etc (you know..). And i come up with some lame excuse & yet he accepts it. I don't know where im headed. My parents wouldn't approve of him as hes not the academic sort, but my family is REALLY academics-oriented (Harvard, MIT, Cornell, and for me- Purdue). So i always tell myself that IF i want to end it, i better to it now before i'm in too deep.
Yet, i'm so confused because i don't want to throw away this relationship based on the fact that 'i don't love him anymore' & also because i don't want to hurt him. He's told me so many times, not to leave him ever, that he will marry me, & so much stuff that it really hurts me to even THINk that my feelings aren't there anymore. I need help & pronto!
Thanks ya`all. I really appreciate the time you took out to read a little part about my life.
You are probably subjected to your family's influence regarding their expectation of a son-in-law and that may constitute partial reason why you are demoralize about your own relationship (minus the fact that your relationship may be long and sunk into habitual/routine mode), but ultimately, the man whom you would be living with for the years to come is you... not your family.
They think what is best for you, but they ain't you - only you know what is suitable and best for yourself, for you are no longer a little girl and you must learn to make decision for yourself.
That would bring us to another point: if your feelings have vanished, I don't know if you could allow yourself to be with a man you have no feelings for. Chances are, it could be temporal; maybe you should allow yourself one good shot at rebuilding this relationship, before deciding that love is truly gone.
NEVER love for sympathy; that's extremely cruel for his growth in love. You don't want to have a scene when he embrace you... with you in his mind while your soul isn't around or worst, is with another guy. A decisive break up may tear him apart emotionally, but certainly, you don't want to waste more of his 'investment' unto something that is returning pseudo-dividends.
You could just be delaying the inevitable.
If you want to have a good shot at this, learn to talk about your relationship in a more wholesome picture, than engaging in conversation that spells fear or 'don't-leave-me-or-I-die' sort of thingy. It's negative communication and that usually backfire all efforts to change an impending doom. He must know that he has to help this relationship, by assisting you to have a good shot at rebuilding or it would probably be a one-person effort and you will succumb to passiveness after some time.
He must know that this relationship has hit an iceberg and repair must be done.
P.S: Humans are so often self-absorbed - they think so much about themselves that they wouldn't bother what their love truly needs. If love was enlightened, maturity would have understood that love that must go... will go... and that everything that coerced it to remain will be futile.
First sight of love... last breath of wisdom...
Cheers -
The point is not about whether he deserves her honesty, but more of what her 'honesty' would be doing to the picture...Originally posted by choco B:If a man is ready to invest money (for his education) to help the relationship, & is seriously planning marriage in the near future, while the girl is hovering at the 50-50 line contemplating a breakup, I think she owes it to him to be completely honest.
It depends how she approaches it and how he takes it. I think if she tells him she wants to work at the relationship, her effort is all the more appreciated and he may even help her along cos he understands the state of mind she's in.
Look at the 'may' in blue... It's a word which could be easily put across and 'hope' (?) for, but not necessarily an outcome which might turn in your thoughts and her favor...
What more to add when her confusion and hesitation could be more readily seen... Kicking in his own set of doubts and confusions for the relationship... Which might be stirred even as she's trying to come back on a 'recovery' (which I believe she has mentioned with her regards to post in AA), making things even more difficult? And even if things 'work out'...? Can you be sure that he would not be holding his own doubt against her thereafter...?
I can agree with you on the part of 'to be fair', but like I've said.. It's a double edged sword... If he knows that knowing the 'truth' would be more 'fair' to him but possibly kicking the relationship into a fast retro... Would he still choose to know
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First of all, thank you all for your enlightening replies. It was really helpful to read the different perspectives all of you had.
That said, with regards to the part that he 'may help me along'. That'll never happen. He's the sort of guy that values his ego very much. Was involved with secret societies, but quit for me. He smokes, drinks, swears unnecessarily. I never realized till now how different we are, how differently we were brought up. He's the aggressive type, i'm the diplomatic sort. If i even happen to mention that this relationship is on the rocks, youknow, in hopes of talking it out, he'll blow his top. He'll tell me i'm over-reacting & that i'm thinking too much. He refuses to accept that there's a crack in us, and prefers to live in denial.
Someone asked whether a guy is gonna marry me or my family? Well, i come from an orthodox indian family, where we have sacrified every material need just to scrap together money to put us children in the best of schools. Education was their number 1 priority. I'm the youngest of my family & have seen my siblings grow up, study, graduate and marry guys that my mom is extremely happy & proud with. I owe her this much, for all she has done, to ensure she is happy with my choice, don't you think so? I know someone will say that it is my life, i should live it the way i want to. But let me ask you, who matters more, someone who gave up her career to stay home and teach you, so that she can save on tuition money (multiply that by many years & 4 siblings), or someone you've known for a considerably less number of years?
We're completely different in nature, behavior and habits-wise. We can never ever see eye to eye. Heck, he's even got arrested before for drunk driving. I was happily in this relationship because the long distance was a cover for me, was a cover for all these flaws that never showed itself over all those miles. But now that i'm back, it's all gradually erupting, & i find myself thinking twice about whether this is really what i want, what i'm really worthy of? I might be selfish here, but please, that's not at all what i'm trying to be. -
Then I'll have every reason to believe that you're leaving him not only because 'you don't love him anymore'?Originally posted by sassysapphire86:First of all, thank you all for your enlightening replies. It was really helpful to read the different perspectives all of you had.
That said, with regards to the part that he 'may help me along'. That'll never happen. He's the sort of guy that values his ego very much. Was involved with secret societies, but quit for me. He smokes, drinks, swears unnecessarily. I never realized till now how different we are, how differently we were brought up. He's the aggressive type, i'm the diplomatic sort. If i even happen to mention that this relationship is on the rocks, youknow, in hopes of talking it out, he'll blow his top. He'll tell me i'm over-reacting & that i'm thinking too much. He refuses to accept that there's a crack in us, and prefers to live in denial.
Someone asked whether a guy is gonna marry me or my family? Well, i come from an orthodox indian family, where we have sacrified every material need just to scrap together money to put us children in the best of schools. Education was their number 1 priority. I'm the youngest of my family & have seen my siblings grow up, study, graduate and marry guys that my mom is extremely happy & proud with. I owe her this much, for all she has done, to ensure she is happy with my choice, don't you think so? I know someone will say that it is my life, i should live it the way i want to. But let me ask you, who matters more, someone who gave up her career to stay home and teach you, so that she can save on tuition money (multiply that by many years & 4 siblings), or someone you've known for a considerably less number of years?
We're completely different in nature, behavior and habits-wise. We can never ever see eye to eye. Heck, he's even got arrested before for drunk driving. I was happily in this relationship because the long distance was a cover for me, was a cover for all these flaws that never showed itself over all those miles. But now that i'm back, it's all gradually erupting, & i find myself thinking twice about whether this is really what i want, what i'm really worthy of? I might be selfish here, but please, that's not at all what i'm trying to be. -
sassysapphire86, this issue somehow strikes a very deep chord with me and I hope the insight I could offer will help somewhat.
Just thought I'd give a brief account of myself for you to draw any parallels that might be applicable in your case. In my case, she was someone I knew in my teens(in fact, since we were both 14) and I guess a reason I never committed myself to her - in spite of the numerous hints she dropped along the way - then(make that throughout our teenage years) was the question that shrouded our future : literally in every sense of the word from whether she was what I wanted for a soulmate to more practical issues like what would happen a decade from then(I mean not too many teens could actually pan out a career/life they see themselves having 10-20 years down the road, could they?) and whether we could find a consensus as to where we would like to settle down(we both did not see ourselves staying in Singapore for good, although we could never seem to agree - or maybe we hadn't really given that a serious thought then - where we'd like to call home) if we ever got together, among a host of other issues. In truth, I never had doubts she'd excel in her academics and life(and as I found out after we got together much later, neither did she harbour any doubts about my academic potential) even at 14, so academic concerns were never much of an issue here. Nevertheless, we did become very good friends, but we were never - not officially by mutual consent, anyway - romantically involved until we were in college.
That said, when we eventually got together, it was still sort of a long distance relationship(well, maybe not as far apart as yours in question, but I'm pretty sure you've got a rough idea of the distance between Philadelphia and California - more specifically, between UPenn and Stanford - considering you've been studying in the US), although I must stress in my case the fact that both parties wanted to try and make this work made a hell of a difference - the relationship's still going strong now. More importantly, in retrospect(and this is a perspective I hadn't thought of in my teens), I'm glad we never actually got together in our teens as - for one reason or another - I think chances of a relationship working out would have been much slimmer and had that happened, we would probably have lost each other a very good and capable friend too. Perhaps, to put it succinctly, had we made a commitment when we weren't really ready for the relationship, we wouldn't have given this a fair chance of working out. (Feel free to PM me should you need an opinion on how to keep a long-distance relationship going)
I suppose your case isn't all that alien in that you accepted him knowing who he was - now, it's just a matter of reassessing your priorities and decide for yourself whether you've got a future together. If you figured you'd be better off parting ways, I suppose you've got to let him know somehow(regardless of how badly you think he'll react). That said, if you both figured there's actually a future for you, I suppose it'd only be fair that both of you did your darnest to make this work... -
Puppy luv?
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Without even going into family expectations, waning love, etc. I think you should seriously reconsider being with a man you cannot discuss important issues honestly & openly with, out of fear for his temper and because his mind is closed & unreceptive. He just doesn't seem nice and despite all the talk about bad boys, it is important to be with someone nice & treats you nice.Originally posted by sassysapphire86:First of all, thank you all for your enlightening replies. It was really helpful to read the different perspectives all of you had.
That said, with regards to the part that he 'may help me along'. That'll never happen. He's the sort of guy that values his ego very much. Was involved with secret societies, but quit for me. He smokes, drinks, swears unnecessarily. I never realized till now how different we are, how differently we were brought up. He's the aggressive type, i'm the diplomatic sort. If i even happen to mention that this relationship is on the rocks, youknow, in hopes of talking it out, he'll blow his top. He'll tell me i'm over-reacting & that i'm thinking too much. He refuses to accept that there's a crack in us, and prefers to live in denial.
Someone asked whether a guy is gonna marry me or my family? Well, i come from an orthodox indian family, where we have sacrified every material need just to scrap together money to put us children in the best of schools. Education was their number 1 priority. I'm the youngest of my family & have seen my siblings grow up, study, graduate and marry guys that my mom is extremely happy & proud with. I owe her this much, for all she has done, to ensure she is happy with my choice, don't you think so? I know someone will say that it is my life, i should live it the way i want to. But let me ask you, who matters more, someone who gave up her career to stay home and teach you, so that she can save on tuition money (multiply that by many years & 4 siblings), or someone you've known for a considerably less number of years?
We're completely different in nature, behavior and habits-wise. We can never ever see eye to eye. Heck, he's even got arrested before for drunk driving. I was happily in this relationship because the long distance was a cover for me, was a cover for all these flaws that never showed itself over all those miles. But now that i'm back, it's all gradually erupting, & i find myself thinking twice about whether this is really what i want, what i'm really worthy of? I might be selfish here, but please, that's not at all what i'm trying to be.