Whoever said communication was important???
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we're 23 already...the r/s, 4 months plus onlyOriginally posted by dokono:How old is she? phone means nothing. physical contact mus be made. How long is the r/s?
it hurts! -
wait a few weeks before u start any form of contact. allow her the time to think about you.Originally posted by jeramy:we're 23 already...the r/s, 4 months plus only
it hurts!
then u ask her out and u try to make her laugh. But u dun try to touch her or anything. let her touch you. let her do all the touching. let her come on to you. -
thanks man dokono...Originally posted by dokono:wait a few weeks before u start any form of contact. allow her the time to think about you.
then u ask her out and u try to make her laugh. But u dun try to touch her or anything. let her touch you. let her do all the touching. let her come on to you.
your replies somehow made me feel that little bit better.
but i dun think i will want to harbour any more thoughts of going out with her again...i dun want to have such hope
i've prepared myself for the worst...i can sense it coming already... -
it's my pleasure. you have the whole of sgforums to give you support.Originally posted by jeramy:thanks man dokono...
your replies somehow made me feel that little bit better.
but i dun think i will want to harbour any more thoughts of going out with her again...i dun want to have such hope
i've prepared myself for the worst...i can sense it coming already...
You are lucky you are not married yet. You dun want to get married to someone who doesn't loves you. -
yes i realised recently that forums is really a good source of support for im really in pain now as well....Originally posted by dokono:it's my pleasure. you have the whole of sgforums to give you support.
You are lucky you are not married yet. You dun want to get married to someone who doesn't loves you.
yup being married to the wrong person is really almost the worse case scenario...
it does seems you are the clingy sort which is not necessarily very bad as dokono as said... it really depends on the kind of person your partner is... i know of a couple whereby both are clingy and they are going on fine....
however since in all 3 times the same thing happened, i would think that all the girls you have been are the non-clingy sort.... -
well.. i feel it's not manly to be clingy and i believe gals wun like it either unless she has low self-esteem...or worse..both partners have low self-esteem.Originally posted by compadre:yes i realised recently that forums is really a good source of support for im really in pain now as well....
yup being married to the wrong person is really almost the worse case scenario...
it does seems you are the clingy sort which is not necessarily very bad as dokono as said... it really depends on the kind of person your partner is... i know of a couple whereby both are clingy and they are going on fine....
however since in all 3 times the same thing happened, i would think that all the girls you have been are the non-clingy sort....
Im not saying it's bad... but there's a difference between a girl who is clingy and one who is loving. Someone who is independent and yet loves you a lot, provided u dun cling on to her and make her sick. -
yeh, its true, from young my self-esteem was low...so i think that in turn led to my being clingy and insecure..Originally posted by dokono:well.. i feel it's not manly to be clingy and i believe gals wun like it either unless she has low self-esteem...or worse..both partners have low self-esteem.
Im not saying it's bad... but there's a difference between a girl who is clingy and one who is loving. Someone who is independent and yet loves you a lot, provided u dun cling on to her and make her sick.
how to go about improving?? -
whats your story?Originally posted by compadre:yes i realised recently that forums is really a good source of support for im really in pain now as well....
yup being married to the wrong person is really almost the worse case scenario...
it does seems you are the clingy sort which is not necessarily very bad as dokono as said... it really depends on the kind of person your partner is... i know of a couple whereby both are clingy and they are going on fine....
however since in all 3 times the same thing happened, i would think that all the girls you have been are the non-clingy sort.... -
active listening is part of communication
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Hey Jeramy, I'm sorry to say based on my experiences with myself and situations from friends, please be prepared for the emergence of a 3rd party and be prepared to let go & move on.
I've had a few of steady gfs before and most of them ended up with similar situations. But later found out that it was zaosai. Most of my guy friends also.
Anyway, if that girl's yours it will be yours. Expand your social circle, concentrate more on your career. The right one will come one day if you're meant to have. My eyes were thoroughly opened 6 years ago from a rubbish relationship with a multi timer girl. Didn't realised it until too late. I'm married now and have a very steady career even though I am only in my 20s.
You can too if you set your priorities right too.
All the best! -
sigh.... its incredibly complicated... plus it hurts to even to think closely about it.Originally posted by jeramy:whats your story?
i realised i was at fault only a while later.... and regreting it like crazy... im also not sure how long i need to get over.... -
Originally posted by MS:
i really want to believe that the right one will come one day.
Hey Jeramy, I'm sorry to say based on my experiences with myself and situations from friends, please be prepared for the emergence of a 3rd party and be prepared to let go & move on.
I've had a few of steady gfs before and most of them ended up with similar situations. But later found out that it was zaosai. Most of my guy friends also.
Anyway, if that girl's yours it will be yours. [b]Expand your social circle, concentrate more on your career. The right one will come one day if you're meant to have. My eyes were thoroughly opened 6 years ago from a rubbish relationship with a multi timer girl. Didn't realised it until too late. I'm married now and have a very steady career even though I am only in my 20s.
You can too if you set your priorities right too.
All the best!
[/b]
any suggestion on how to expand social circle? other than clubbing? -
I suggest instead of concentrating on trying to impress other people, make yourself feel happy first. Your priority comes first. That means concentrating on your career or studies, whatever it may be.Originally posted by jeramy:yeh, its true, from young my self-esteem was low...so i think that in turn led to my being clingy and insecure..
how to go about improving??
Spend time making friends by joining some parties or clubs. Improve your communication skills. There will be a point in your life where you will be sick of chasing skirts. Have a passion for something. Take up some hobby.
Ask yourself: Which is more important? Girls or your own life? -
U should try & get a life of your own rather than focussing everything on your gf. Go out with your guy friends- play computer games, sports etc when she is not free. Be less dependant on her.Originally posted by jeramy:yeh, its true, from young my self-esteem was low...so i think that in turn led to my being clingy and insecure..
how to go about improving?? -
I think because she feels that you are too dependent on her? Maybe you tell her that she has been neglecting you, she feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on her to always be there by your side, when she has a lot of other things to do in her life.
So I guess the best thing you can do now is to let her cool down, let her have her space, and meanwhile occupy yourself with anyone and anything that you can think of. Spend more time with your frens and family. And take up a new hobby or anything that will help you to pass your time so that you don't have to think abt her all the time, and make you feel like you are constantly waiting for her to call, etc.
She will get back to you when she is ready. Meanwhile, move on with your life. Don't stop it just because of a girl
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Basically the fact is where you widen your social circle will normally gain you what type of friends. Clubbing is normally the worst place to start. School is better. Join activities in your poly or JC or uni. Proven useful. Always start as friends. Don't rush in. Unless you're dead sure she feels the same way as you.Originally posted by compadre:i really want to believe that the right one will come one day.
any suggestion on how to expand social circle? other than clubbing?
Haha... I hit the jackpot when I pillioned my gf (now wife) and I held her hands (I admit it was a big risk) when she placed her hands on my fuel tank few years back. But the fact is I knew her as my classmates about 10 years before that time.
Some of the worst places are
(1) Pubs, disco - Complicated places, complicated people
(2) Churches - Church is a place of worship. Not for finding girls. Churches who propagande or allow the impression where you can find lotsa girls inside are not churches.
(3) work place - Don't eat & shit at the same place
Some of the best places are
(1) School - Wide variety of choice, very easy to start off as friends and know each other better first.
(2) Friend's friend (social outings) - I dunno how but I know many guy/gal friends had successful marriages through this channel.
But getting a girl and maintaining the girl is just as hard as each other. If you're not careful you may end up in break ups. Or if you get the wrong girl you're also getting yourself into slow poison.
All the best to the guys to find the right girl! -
I seriously agree here.Originally posted by dokono:I suggest instead of concentrating on trying to impress other people, make yourself feel happy first. Your priority comes first. That means concentrating on your career or studies, whatever it may be.
Spend time making friends by joining some parties or clubs. Improve your communication skills. There will be a point in your life where you will be sick of chasing skirts. Have a passion for something. Take up some hobby.
Ask yourself: Which is more important? Girls or your own life?
Jeramy, if you have a steady income, you can indulge yourself in some hobbies or external courses. If not you can concentrate more on your studies and to the friends that you've neglected. Build up some brotherhood relationships.
I went to take motorbike licence after my 1st gf zao sai me during BMT. It really helped me to forget about her and I became such an automotive fanatic now that I got myself a job in the automotive sector which became my primary source of income for my small little family now.
You can maybe study harder, or go and get a licence? Or study a new language? -
Originally posted by jeramy:
Many people say, in a relationship, you should let you partner know what you are feeling, and should not bottle up, lest all the negative feelings explodes into a firey furball when a quarrel entails. [b]Communication between a couple was the key.
Yesterday, I told my gf that I felt she was neglecting me over the past few weeks on the phone. Throughout the conversation, I never once pointed the blame at her, and stated again and again that I'm just letting her know my feelings.
My tone was calm and composed, and never did I flare up or whatever, I was as normal as I can be.
In the end? Her reaction?
She just told me she agrees with me that she had been neglecting me, and that it was ALL HER FAULT. I said I told her all that not to find fault with her or what. Nobody is right or wrong in a relationship.
Then she stated again she feels guilty, and again and again keep emphasizing its ALL HER FAULT. ALL HER FAULT. It has nothing to do with me. Its HER FAULT.
Finally, she gave me the one time jialat-jialat ->
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT US
Yes man. I've done it again, messed it all up again. What the hell?
Communication?
It has only left me facing an imminent break-up once again.
NOW TELL ME WHOEVER SAID COMMUINICATION WAS IMPORTANT????[/b]
Communication is paramount.
Chances are, your relationship is already degenerating. The opening up of inner feelings merely reveal the large extend of decomposition taking place inside your love unconsciously.
So you were thinking that if you didn't talk about it, you wouldn't break up and things will remain as it is?
You rather love a facade than attempting to grasp something real? Although you risk losing the relationship, at least you know you are not loving a mask. There is so much narcissism in your thoughts that love to you probably divide itself between having and losing it. Losing a relationship doesn't mean you lose all your chips - it only means you have lost some chips in one bet.
If it happens three times, chances are, the problem lies with you. Remember, the women you meet are variables - you are the constant. If all three variables face the same issues, you must evolve if you desire to see changes.
I do not encourage partners to be overly emotional and clingy (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Because I believe most people are emotional with tint of depression/self pity/negative sort. The archetype of the partners they would attract often (1) reflect their own personality, (2) breeding persona to fulfill karmic obligation (3) call from the soul to evolve oneself.
Yours probably fall under (3) as the woman you attract, always seemed to flee from you. Your overwhelming emotional touch on them causes them to escape.
You may think that having another woman like yourself would patch this wrecked characteristic of yours in love. Although it may be true to certain extend, it will also create much intensity and the growth of your relationship would be minimal. CloUdiSm states that not everybody requires higher wisdom in love. [Six level of Love Maturity; theory of Infant (Aries representation) - Adult (Virgo representation). Using Maslow Needs to explain my jargon, it is possible, in love, that people are satisfied with just Physiological & Safety needs and requires nothing more. Because they reckon they requires nothing more, they choose not to pursue higher enlightenment, unlike the original theory, where it is believed that people will attempt to pursue higher level of needs whenever their current level is satisfied].
I repeat - communication is paramount.
And it is your mission to uncover the ‘real culprit’ responsible for the death of your relationship.
The 'real culprit' is probably someone else - communication is innocent.
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
wow im new here and seriously am impressed! kudos to u yunhaier Communication is paramount.
Chances are, your relationship is already degenerating. The opening up of inner feelings merely reveal the large extend of decomposition taking place inside your love unconsciously.
So you were thinking that if you didn't talk about it, you wouldn't break up and things will remain as it is?
[b]You rather love a facade than attempting to grasp something real? Although you risk losing the relationship, at least you know you are not loving a mask. There is so much narcissism in your thoughts that love to you probably divide itself between having and losing it. Losing a relationship doesn't mean you lose all your chips - it only means you have lost some chips in one bet.
If it happens three times, chances are, the problem lies with you. Remember, the women you meet are variables - you are the constant. If all three variables face the same issues, you must evolve if you desire to see changes.
I do not encourage partners to be overly emotional and clingy (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Because I believe most people are emotional with tint of depression/self pity/negative sort. The archetype of the partners they would attract often (1) reflect their own personality, (2) breeding persona to fulfill karmic obligation (3) call from the soul to evolve oneself.
Yours probably fall under (3) as the woman you attract, always seemed to flee from you. Your overwhelming emotional touch on them causes them to escape.
You may think that having another woman like yourself would patch this wrecked characteristic of yours in love. Although it may be true to certain extend, it will also create much intensity and the growth of your relationship would be minimal. CloUdiSm states that not everybody requires higher wisdom in love. [Six level of Love Maturity; theory of Infant (Aries representation) - Adult (Virgo representation). Using Maslow Needs to explain my jargon, it is possible, in love, that people are satisfied with just Physiological & Safety needs and requires nothing more. Because they reckon they requires nothing more, they choose not to pursue higher enlightenment, unlike the original theory, where it is believed that people will attempt to pursue higher level of needs whenever their current level is satisfied].
I repeat - communication is paramount.
And it is your mission to uncover the ‘real culprit’ responsible for the death of your relationship.
The 'real culprit' is probably someone else - communication is innocent.
Cheers [/b] -
No problem or the problem cannot be seen?Originally posted by jeramy:i cannot be sure of that seriously, as i've said in my previous post there was still really no problems before yesterday...
but once i voiced out and then everything changed...
but still it remains a possibility..
so harsh..so cruel -
yes...now i see the light, the problem is with me... by telling her that she's neglecting me, it makes her feel guiltyOriginally posted by rainee:I think because she feels that you are too dependent on her? Maybe you tell her that she has been neglecting you, she feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on her to always be there by your side, when she has a lot of other things to do in her life.
So I guess the best thing you can do now is to let her cool down, let her have her space, and meanwhile occupy yourself with anyone and anything that you can think of. Spend more time with your frens and family. And take up a new hobby or anything that will help you to pass your time so that you don't have to think abt her all the time, and make you feel like you are constantly waiting for her to call, etc.
She will get back to you when she is ready. Meanwhile, move on with your life. Don't stop it just because of a girl
so much so that she suffers added pressure on top of her school pressure, and i think escaping from me is the best way out for her...
if not there's really no solution is it? she doesnt want me to feel neglected, but on the other hand there's nothing she can do to improve the situation, she will only feel more and more guilty...
yes that is her mentality.
yes the problem is that im too clingy, im the one who should say ITS ALL MY FAULT.
i can see it now...i can see it now...but its all too late isnt it?? too late too late.... -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
thank you yunhaier... you have opened up my eyes... i know now, that i'm just too clingy...too clingy for the likes of anyone... Communication is paramount.
Chances are, your relationship is already degenerating. The opening up of inner feelings merely reveal the large extend of decomposition taking place inside your love unconsciously.
So you were thinking that if you didn't talk about it, you wouldn't break up and things will remain as it is?
[b]You rather love a facade than attempting to grasp something real? Although you risk losing the relationship, at least you know you are not loving a mask. There is so much narcissism in your thoughts that love to you probably divide itself between having and losing it. Losing a relationship doesn't mean you lose all your chips - it only means you have lost some chips in one bet.
If it happens three times, chances are, the problem lies with you. Remember, the women you meet are variables - you are the constant. If all three variables face the same issues, you must evolve if you desire to see changes.
I do not encourage partners to be overly emotional and clingy (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Because I believe most people are emotional with tint of depression/self pity/negative sort. The archetype of the partners they would attract often (1) reflect their own personality, (2) breeding persona to fulfill karmic obligation (3) call from the soul to evolve oneself.
Yours probably fall under (3) as the woman you attract, always seemed to flee from you. Your overwhelming emotional touch on them causes them to escape.
You may think that having another woman like yourself would patch this wrecked characteristic of yours in love. Although it may be true to certain extend, it will also create much intensity and the growth of your relationship would be minimal. CloUdiSm states that not everybody requires higher wisdom in love. [Six level of Love Maturity; theory of Infant (Aries representation) - Adult (Virgo representation). Using Maslow Needs to explain my jargon, it is possible, in love, that people are satisfied with just Physiological & Safety needs and requires nothing more. Because they reckon they requires nothing more, they choose not to pursue higher enlightenment, unlike the original theory, where it is believed that people will attempt to pursue higher level of needs whenever their current level is satisfied].
I repeat - communication is paramount.
And it is your mission to uncover the ‘real culprit’ responsible for the death of your relationship.
The 'real culprit' is probably someone else - communication is innocent.
Cheers [/b]
the real culprit is me...
i need to change...yes..
but it hurts so bad, so bad.. -
Excuses to break up come in many guide...and communication can also be one of them.
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thank you people.
dokono, compadre, MS, rainee, Yunhaier.. your replies have led me to see the situation from a new perspective, which otherwise will continue to elude me.. after such a long loop, now i know that my being too clingy probably scared off the girls...
previously, i realised that i was too possesive and i think i managed to reduce that a bit..
now, i know i'm too clingy, and i will work on that.
i am contemplating whether to look for her and tell her my mistakes, so perhaps this r/s can still be salvaged? or should i just continue to leave her alone?
what do you guys think? -
No no guy... don't tell her your mistakes. That means you are begging. You may think she likes you more but it's a bad move. Dun do it. Real men dun beg.Originally posted by jeramy:thank you people.
dokono, compadre, MS, rainee, Yunhaier.. your replies have led me to see the situation from a new perspective, which otherwise will continue to elude me.. after such a long loop, now i know that my being too clingy probably scared off the girls...
previously, i realised that i was too possesive and i think i managed to reduce that a bit..
now, i know i'm too clingy, and i will work on that.
i am contemplating whether to look for her and tell her my mistakes, so perhaps this r/s can still be salvaged? or should i just continue to leave her alone?
what do you guys think?
Leave her alone. Let her call you. This will prove how much she likes you.