2 months before wedding and ...
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If you find that you are the only one left feeling disappointed, try to take a step back and be less available...Give each other more space and allow her to think more about you. Allow each other to do own things and try not to cling onto her. Let her initiate the outings. When you two are together, try to enjoy time together and don't talk about negative things or appear sad. Try always to make her laugh and appear cheerful even though you are dying inside.Originally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:There is only so much hurt, and sadness, and despair one can endure.
Like previous posts mentioned, don't accomodate her hobbies. You have your own values and programs as well. Always treat her with respect and expect that she do the same to you as well.
The feelings for each other is always never the same. The other party's feelings is always lower, be it the girl or the guy. My take is that your girl has very low feelings for you. Other than that, from what you have said, her character is fine. That doesn't mean you should divorce. Whatever the case, try to make your life more busy other than just accomodating her and see her less. She has to think more about you. Remember, divorce is not cheap and should be the last solution. -
if only you ready my first couple of post. That was what I said to you in the beginning.Originally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:There is only so much hurt, and sadness, and despair one can endure.
Anyways, you are not the only one to selectively read and selectively interprete... -
I have to agree with you, period.Originally posted by mistyblue:if only you ready my first couple of post. That was what I said to you in the beginning.
Anyways, you are not the only one to selectively read and selectively interprete...
The woman's feelings may have dropped before ROM or when she was with him, she did not love him. The mistake was: He should have found out her previous bf, if any, before committing. He should have taken the effort why the woman was with him in the first place. Is there any hidden agenda?
That's what dating is for. And instead of proposing to get married, he should wait for the woman to constantly drop hints of marriage and then propose. When the woman is ready and the man loves her, marriage will be ready. -
love is blind loh...Originally posted by dokono:I have to agree with you, period.
The woman's feelings may have dropped before ROM or when she was with him, she did not love him. The mistake was: He should have found out her previous bf, if any, before committing. He should have taken the effort why the woman was with him in the first place. Is there any hidden agenda?
That's what dating is for. And instead of proposing to get married, he should wait for the woman to constantly drop hints of marriage and then propose. When the woman is ready and the man loves her, marriage will be ready.
sometimes people get married but are not prepared for the responsibilities in marriage. most people try to escape - occupy time by doing things they like and exclude the other partner or do things to spike the partner. In fact, when she tells him to look for another partner, its a sign that she is not totally commited to the r/s and she might have liked her freedom a little too much. If she is not commited in the beginning and she start all those activities to keep away from him. She likes to do things on her own and he had been keeping to his lifestyle until they need to be together to do something togther -ie the wedding. Then she burst out and try to escape the responsibilities.
Marriage is just a partnership of convenience for her..
If both parties realise their issues in the counselling sessions, admit it. Think about what they wanted and is willing to work together to change things, there might be something to save. If they realised that marriage is not what they wanted or that the girl is unwilling to voice it out (as usual) and carry on this lie, pretending to change or work at the r/s. It will hurt both parties deeply.
This is my view loh.. not that I expert but this is human nature -
The only part i have to disagree with you is the level of chemsitry the woman has for the man. the number one thing that got them together is the word feelings. It's not that she is not commited. It's because she doesn't have very high feelings from her to stay committed. Her high feelings will cut through everything and in that stage, I call it love is blind, for the woman. Apparently, it is not in the case for her.Originally posted by mistyblue:love is blind loh...
sometimes people get married but are not prepared for the responsibilities in marriage. most people try to escape - occupy time by doing things they like and exclude the other partner or do things to spike the partner. In fact, when she tells him to look for another partner, its a sign that she is not totally commited to the r/s and she might have liked her freedom a little too much. If she is not commited in the beginning and she start all those activities to keep away from him. She likes to do things on her own and he had been keeping to his lifestyle until they need to be together to do something togther -ie the wedding. Then she burst out and try to escape the responsibilities.
Marriage is just a partnership of convenience for her..
If both parties realise their issues in the counselling sessions, admit it. Think about what they wanted and is willing to work together to change things, there might be something to save. If they realised that marriage is not what they wanted or that the girl is unwilling to voice it out (as usual) and carry on this lie, pretending to change or work at the r/s. It will hurt both parties deeply.
This is my view loh.. not that I expert but this is human nature -
Yup, agree.. too bad..they already make the mistake. It takes 2 to be happy in the r/s, well..how to undone the mistake dokono? Is it divorce?Originally posted by dokono:I have to agree with you, period.
The woman's feelings may have dropped before ROM or when she was with him, she did not love him. The mistake was: He should have found out her previous bf, if any, before committing. He should have taken the effort why the woman was with him in the first place. Is there any hidden agenda?
That's what dating is for. And instead of proposing to get married, he should wait for the woman to constantly drop hints of marriage and then propose. When the woman is ready and the man loves her, marriage will be ready. -
There is little you can do, she need to be honest to you.Originally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:There is only so much hurt, and sadness, and despair one can endure. -
No. Divorce is the last solution.Originally posted by dreamykite:Yup, agree.. too bad..they already make the mistake. It takes 2 to be happy in the r/s, well..how to undone the mistake dokono? Is it divorce?
Divorce is breakup with the law being involved. That's the difference from a normal breakup. A breakup is much less troublesome but a divorce is not very simple.
As I have previously mentioned, I am against divorcing. The reason is because we do not know how low her feelings are for the man... if the man turns her off so much it is beyond the point of no return, it's goodbye. And the woman remembers everything the guy did or did not do. They have very good memories when it comes to relationship stuff. But if the woman still has some feelings for him, it may still be saved. Give each other more space. But that doesn't mean they dun see each other, but not too much. Once in a while date each other(maybe once a week) to enjoy each other's company. Allow her to think about the man. -
agree, feeling not stgrong enoughOriginally posted by dokono:The only part i have to disagree with you is the level of chemsitry the woman has for the man. the number one thing that got them together is the word feelings. It's not that she is not commited. It's because she doesn't have very high feelings from her to stay committed. Her high feelings will cut through everything and in that stage, I call it love is blind, for the woman. Apparently, it is not in the case for her. -
Originally posted by Bontakun:
Hey bub!
Wow... I learnt alot from this thread because I am ignorant of many things discussed here.
[b]To TS:
5 common things you and your wife both enjoy does not seems to "help" solve the issue on the surface, BUT have you wonder why the counsellor want you two to do that when he/she/it can ask you two to do so many other things?
A couple are together so they can both do thing together and enjoy each other's company. My GUESS is that the counsellor is trying to use this to build up a situation to help you two repair the current issue. But do not force yourself to find 5 things your wife loves doing and accomodate her. You are cheating yourself this way and this is NOT what the counsellor wants.
A counsellor's job is to help both of you find the root of the problems and you two are to remedy it. If you or she cheated the way through, then it defeats the purpose of going for counselling.
Frankly speaking, this is out of my league for I am young and foolish in this. The counsellor is doing a fine job to help both of you. Period.
To shrekho:
You want career and $$$, your GF wants commitment and family.
I can't advice you much on this, but I can give a suggestion, WHICH you can ignore: Tell her what you want (the career and $$$ stuffs) and let her tell you more on what she wants. THEN give both yourselves a time frame IF you two agrees to it.
This time frame can be long or short. Say three years?
Why? This time frame is for you to set your goals on your career and for her to test her resolve on her love and commitment towards you. Sounds abit unfair you are not using it to test YOUR resolve and commitment for her right?
It may seems to be unfair but it also at the same time test your feelings towards her and your passion for career. During the time frame any of you may change. Perhaps you find that all your career moves are good but you lack something. Something vital that it seems incomplete in your life. You have no satisfaction earning millions or such, then you think of her. OR for her case, she may think that having a career herself may be a new excitement? She won't have so much inkling of being a housewife as she initially thought she wanted to be.
You two can still date and have fun. Call each other, sms, msn, email, send letters, etc, etc during the time BUT the main topic is still the time frame. You two have decided to give a certain time to think about these issues and marriage and such are out of the way during this period.
Once the time frame is up, meet up and assess the whole situation again. Recall back during the period on what you did, how you felt and what things changed. Maybe by that time you are not as career-minded as you used to be? Or she is more adventurous than before? Maybe the love is even stronger because you two seldom meet up due to you travelling alot? Or there are more not so idea situations by then?
Its up to you and her really. You both want to make things happen, some form of sacrifice has to be made first. Its basically the "time makes love grows fonder" thing, or it can be the other way round...
In any case, I pray for all of you to handle your issues the best way possible and you all be happy and have peace at heart no matter the outcome.
Cheers. [/b]
Thanks for the advice. i did mention to her a time frame
of 5 years at least. Well, hopefully by then I can save up enough money
for a wedding and hdb, and she has graduated from NTU and start
working.
I do have plans, which they are very long term. At least 5 years plan
is considered long in my POV for a relationship.
Perhaps money and materialistic gains are all inside my mind now,
that I can forgo a date to settle a business deal. Or answer business calls
when a client needs technical help, and don't answer her call while I am
at work.
I only meet her once a week, and try to make it quality time, just her
and me, sit at starbucks, chit chat, read a book or even go gym together.
That's all.
To her, the time spent together is not long enough. Haiz... Would like to
invest more time on work and money schemeing ideas(oops, i meant
schemes and proposals :-) )
Anyway, I really hope all the best for the husband to be. -
This thread seem like teaching ppl how to handle a gal, that's why report say divorce rate going up and more men are marrying oversea gal. It may not be very common but it show the growing nos. of local gal thinking have change as their income increases and more indepandent.
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I fully agreeOriginally posted by T.Ryousuke:Cut it short, the guy need to understand if this r/s can't work dun force it. Dun mind the ring, the flat and all the money or even the love and effort he has put in. Short pain is better than regrate forever, wait till they have child is even worst. She is to many of us had said immature and to me she is not the one for the guy. Guy must learn to let go, gal need to know what she really want. -
Counsellings are not miracle pills... DO try to absorb the lessons and make out what the counsellor is hinting or suggesting... And PLS... MUCH EFFORTS of YOUR OWN to PUSH things forward...Originally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:Thanks Bo. Anyway, we went out for KTV session last evening. We enjoyed it. Dinner has been postpone.
We will continue going for the counselling, maybe we may attend marriage preparation course. I do not know how long it takes, in the end, it may turns out I am the one who wants out.
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Originally posted by Bontakun:That is good! Whatever happens, NEVER lose hope. Do your best and we support you, man.
& if "bo" is being refered to mee, I tink its better to address my nick as Bonta.
Coz many ppl bo sim call my nick as botak, botan, bosim, boliao, bobo char char, etc, etc... -_________________-
I'm a devil... Where to find a 'sim'? You give me ar?? 
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My name is BON... BOTAK BON....
<> <> <> -
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They are just human like us, sometime they can't give a solution to a family problem. If they can succeed, the divorce rate will go down instead of increase yty! And you need 3yrs to sign the doc which mean there is alot of time for them to think, which infact you can see 3yr to make a decision how to tell all those divorcee to U-turn back, must be very serious case then end up liddat one. Sometime to see ppl divorce you feel bad, but if it means good for the future why not? imagine you have another 30 to 50 years to go, and what kind of partern you want to be with you. If you ever see those 40-50yrs old ppl married but not happy and are lonely, you will feel even sad for them.Originally posted by Devil1976:Counsellings are not miracle pills... DO try to absorb the lessons and make out what the counsellor is hinting or suggesting... And PLS... MUCH EFFORTS of YOUR OWN to PUSH things forward... -
she is not at all commited ... she is always looking out for a better someone den leave u ... do u feel so ? that y she don like the weddding thing wchich will tie her down.. she is selfish.. she wanted love and care yet with not strings attached to it..
actually all ur options is to disadvantage to u...
either u don care abt the traditional wedding... and let her continue wat she want.. stay together ...
or leave her.. divorce... den u still have to give her money every month even though it is not ur fault..
but .. in my opinion.. y not continue to stay with her... try to convince her that marrying her is between u two and there is not need to broadcast to all relative.. this might be the best fror u and her.. better than ended up divorce rite.. cause she onli don like wedding dinner onli... den suit her lo.. don want lo.. -
Guy's dad said to try and get a decision quickly. No point dragging it on.
Guy told gal about it. They had a discussion, its more or less about the guy controlling her spending, when she wan to buy, guy try to persuade her not to buy. She wanted to travel and work overseas, Guy ask where she wan to go, she don't know.
Gal said she is trying to think how to stay committed (ya, guy think its rubbish). Guy said Gal is high priority to him (same as family). For Gal, she cannot put him in the highest priority.
Sigh... Guy feels "divorce" option is looking more appealing than before. One thing, HDB flat, does the Guy have to sell it? Can switch the name to the Guy's sis? -
Well, it might be useful if Guy can tell us the following and we can then offer advice.
Flat, brought when.
Any HDB Grant, which grant, 40k or the 10k
How much outstanding, how much paid.
Guy sister is how old? Married? Single? Singaporean? -
Sis is single, 31 years old.
Flat bought in 2003, 40k grant.
Now still paying, think outstanding about 70k, coz upfront we paid 100k dep. -
Right... But we're talking about the TS's effort and intention now... Of course, to be combined with equal willingness of his partner...?Originally posted by T.Ryousuke:They are just human like us, sometime they can't give a solution to a family problem. If they can succeed, the divorce rate will go down instead of increase yty! And you need 3yrs to sign the doc which mean there is alot of time for them to think, which infact you can see 3yr to make a decision how to tell all those divorcee to U-turn back, must be very serious case then end up liddat one. Sometime to see ppl divorce you feel bad, but if it means good for the future why not? imagine you have another 30 to 50 years to go, and what kind of partern you want to be with you. If you ever see those 40-50yrs old ppl married but not happy and are lonely, you will feel even sad for them.
I've seen cases where relationship so BAD that partner often go for extra-maritial relationships or ONS... Just when everyone thought it's gone case, efforts of 2 individuals brought the relationship THROUGH a BLISSFUL HAPPINESS.... -
Ya she is telling you that she was turned off by your actions. But did you really try to dominate her? And is it her money you are talking about or your own money? If it's yours and if she is understanding enough, she shouldn't have said all these.Originally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:Guy's dad said to try and get a decision quickly. No point dragging it on.
Guy told gal about it. They had a discussion, its more or less about the guy controlling her spending, when she wan to buy, guy try to persuade her not to buy. She wanted to travel and work overseas, Guy ask where she wan to go, she don't know.
Gal said she is trying to think how to stay committed (ya, guy think its rubbish). Guy said Gal is high priority to him (same as family). For Gal, she cannot put him in the highest priority.
Sigh... Guy feels "divorce" option is looking more appealing than before. One thing, HDB flat, does the Guy have to sell it? Can switch the name to the Guy's sis?
And what kind of wife is she going to be when she says she wants to travel and work overseas? So she finally spilled the beans eh? Her heart has no place for you?! Is that what she is trying to say? And she doesn't know. Don't get me wrong. Im not against women who are very focused in their career but where's the lovingness from her? Think about that. Again, it all boils down to low feelings. She can't put you into her priority. What kind of statement is that coming from a wife huh?
I'm not trying to put her down or what. She is not mature and loving in this r/s and she has low feelings for you but she will never tell you this. If she has high feelings, she will have stayed with you through thick and thin. Also, where's her integrity? She will just speak secret women language but will never say I don't like you anymore.
Guy, this is tragedy. Im against divorce but if you find your woman not willling to stay with you, it is very sad. So much for unconditional love! Like what your dad says, there is no point draggin this. Ultimately, do what you feel best is in the interests of both parties concenrned. -
on the buying her stuffs, most of the time, ger is using her own money. Guy is a bad shopper, and do not really like her always buy clothes, shoes.
Guy is really stingy, only pay for meals, movies, and only give gifs occasionally. -
Joint name between sis and bro. not possible unless it was special circumstances. (orphans)you can find out thru www.hdb.gov.sgOriginally posted by OutOfIdeasHusband:Sis is single, 31 years old.
Flat bought in 2003, 40k grant.
Now still paying, think outstanding about 70k, coz upfront we paid 100k dep.
And even if possible, both guy and sis still need to pay off gal's CPF contribution including the interests. And this will be viewed as a 2nd hand purchase, so will need bank loan.
Sell to sis also impossible unless she can present a family nucleus (with a parent/child). Sis will then have to treat it as a 2nd hand flat purchase and not eligible for HDB grants or loans. In other words. Bank Loan again.
Flat brought in 2003, 40k grant. 5 year cannot sell limit, unless you both willing to pay penalties. And even if you both sell later at 5 years. Both will need to pay levy if buying new HDB flat.
Another new option. offer to buy over flat with your new wife in 2008. If buy now with new wife, its still treated as a 2nd hand sale, bank loan needed and you & your current wife still need to pay penalties.