how do u know if he's true?
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Originally posted by Devil1976:
no one can guide her. I have her well being at heart but many don't see it the same way. Its the nature of this person that made the situation tricky. She is asking people on the net for advice, vs people who might know her a little better - to advice her. There is no truth that either side's advice is any better, but then what do we all know. The key is still back to her, the problem is once again, her nature.
That's why I mentioned you shouldn't apply your own belief into others' needs... Systems and settings... Let alone coming at it with a 'bat'... Whether you've 'flattened' her or not is another issue... The real deal is whether you could have possibly hurt or mislead her...?
Note that I'm not saying you're misleading her. In fact, I agree with you that most of us are likely to be very far from what the truth might hold at this point.. But no. That doesn't mean we cannot advise.. Discourage or give encouragement... (based on evidence we present to our course of belief)
I'm not saying she should follow us on 100% note... Just more opinions to open up her perceptions... And I think she herself already understood this too... She's 18 but not stupid. Based on some of her 'understandings', I can say though she might be confused... It doesn't mean she's not thinking at all... Even anyone WELL ABOVE 18 can be CONFUSED and NOT THINKING... By comparson, I would like to think she's doing not too bad...
SEEMINGLY as it may be... NOT ALL threads with this kinda 'format' comes with the "I already know what I wanna do, I just need people to support my case" mentality.... She's not even in a stable relationship with this guy yet... You think she really think so much 'support' to kick him out of her life...
'Fallings' of the internet and taking advices from strangers...? And... Just what are 'strangers'...? It almost made me wanna laugh to think that you hear and listen from 'people you know' would means their advices would be more sound..? Better...? 'Fallings'...? Just what kinda 'belief' is this....?
I can agree with you that if she's going to take it with a man with such a form of 'history'... The road probably won't be that easy... But nope, that doesn't mean we can 'naturally guide' her into [b]OUR OWN FORM of BELIEF(S).....[/b]
The scary part is where she selectively reads the responses. Say the first 50 tells her to go on with the man and she listens.
The next 50 tells her the man is bad for her and she's only 18 and there is a long road ahead.
Say if she is optimistic, it is natural she will selectively read the first 50 and take the last 50 with a pinch of salt. Say if he turns out to be bad for her, then what. Divorce at 20?
If she is pessimistic, then she might think take the negative message strongly. What if the guy had turn over a new leaf and wanted to find a wife to take care of his child, so is she missing out her chance?
Lastly, it is to weigh the fact that she is going to become someone's wife because she is keen to settle down - so she will choose to see the messages that tells her to trust him. Although we all agree, trust is such a fragile thing. The fact that perhaps she might want to get married to him at 18, take care of his kid. But is she ready to be married and to become a mother - or did she had such a rosy picture that she does not see. At 18, how many of us know marriage is such a tough thing.
There is alot of complication in this matter in fact, I am afriad make any comments- partly she seems naive, partly its too messy, partly because of the possible consequence, partly because no one knows the full matter. Lastly, there are some things that she might not have taken note, ie warning signs or issues that her young experience does not notice. I myself is not street smart but I know who to ask when I encounter issues and learn the lesson. And worse, even if she has some doubts or warning, she has no one but the net to turn to.. it is a bad situation. Why is it impossible to turn to someone - is it because they will tell her to leave him - which is what she didn't want to hear?
Other thing to think about is that if she is, she seems keen to devote her life to this guy and his son. Did she think of her own future? Is there another alternative life that she had not seen?
Another item is that she seems to isolate herself and is secluded from social circles therefore the first guy who comes alone seems a good deal. Perhaps? Does she not have SOS lines to call or elders to call upon? At 18, she cannot get married without parental consent.
Lastly, perhaps I am not one who brims with emotions, nor am I absolutely rational but, at her age, has she not thought of just being friends. Or is she the type to get easily sway by someone who showers a little attention on her? Did she actually think rationally or she didn't have much options or she didn't know better? Perhaps she might just be lucky, but once again its her life and to me, its just too complicated. Any simple advice is not going to cut it. I can only hope she is really that lucky or the guy is really lucky. Divorce is such an ugly thing - emotionally.
Let me put it this way, if missqi (sorry missqi) ask a question like this. Knowing missqi in this forum, I think I feel safer to advice her as she will not blindly follow or blindly love.
I knew a friend once, she was naive. Told her, she should start dating - she needs practice and she needs to widen her circle. She did and you know what, she almost got raped (I never know if it happened) on her first date with a stranger. I knew this friend, It didn't occur to me her lack of street smart is a key thing that she agreed to some strange guy's request to meet in a deserted car park. I do feel guilty for tell her to step out but there is nothing I could do to caution her. I can only caution others, if they are naive in nature, be extra careful. From there on she was spooked, our friendship was broken - Forever I feel guilty about it. -
why think so hard?Originally posted by silent_lamb:im 18 and he's 25.
sometimes the age gap realy seems to be abit of problem. whenever i get angry (which is V V V V seldom), he will say that i am a xiao mei mei. so what does a men at 25 wants from women? Love? care? concern? understanding? i really do not know.
and he's has a uper super messy past sexual life. has loads of flings before and is a divorced. how do i know if i am different from those flings? the only thing that assures me now is the fact that he spent almost all his time w me and takes good care of me. at least i know he dun have time for other girls. he tld me he's 25 already and he wants to settle down. i really feel very very insecure. but i do not dare to voice out cos he will start his "xiao mei mei" thingy again..
MEN.. what do u all want from women? how i wish i can open his heart now and see what hes thinkig inside. i really need advice from u peeps. esp a the Men here. cos i just stepped out of a relationship and do not wish to waste my time on another unsincere one. i have no time for flings. im true to him and i wish to know if he's the same towards me.
just leave him and go on to the next guy!his heart will forever be close, the moment you say you are true to him , you are a sucker already
listen to me girl , leave him , he is no good for you - he is definitely a player.but all guy s are isnt it. -
I SENSE and UNDERSTAND your CONCERNs. Don't mind me stating the facts of what I think here... You seems to be more confused than the TS and is probably stuck in a form of mentality within your own... Personally, I don't think it's suitable for you to be advising at this point if you've not clear yourself of your own mental blocks...
I'm sorry for your friend, but let's not equivalate things this way?Originally posted by mistyblue:no one can guide her. I have her well being at heart but many don't see it the same way. Its the nature of this person that made the situation tricky. She is asking people on the net for advice, vs people who might know her a little better - to advice her. There is no truth that either side's advice is any better, but then what do we all know. The key is still back to her, the problem is once again, her nature.
1st thing. I think you're too fast in concluding her 'nature' or character. Even if she has shown traits of certain characteristics... It doesn't necessarily means that she is what you think she is nor does it mean that she can't change even if she happens to be in the form of mentality you've suggested...
Your thoughts hold a strange ruling... Refer to the above in blue... "but then what do we all know." You have left it open-ended like a 50-50 situation... Yet you seems so strong and determined in suggesting that advices from the net is no good... Without any concrete ground?
The scary part is where she selectively reads the responses. Say the first 50 tells her to go on with the man and she listens.
The next 50 tells her the man is bad for her and she's only 18 and there is a long road ahead.
Say if she is optimistic, it is natural she will selectively read the first 50 and take the last 50 with a pinch of salt. Say if he turns out to be bad for her, then what. Divorce at 20?
If she is pessimistic, then she might think take the negative message strongly. What if the guy had turn over a new leaf and wanted to find a wife to take care of his child, so is she missing out her chance?
Lastly, it is to weigh the fact that she is going to become someone's wife because she is keen to settle down - so she will choose to see the messages that tells her to trust him. Although we all agree, trust is such a fragile thing. The fact that perhaps she might want to get married to him at 18, take care of his kid. But is she ready to be married and to become a mother - or did she had such a rosy picture that she does not see. At 18, how many of us know marriage is such a tough thing.
Do you know why I said you're confused? Because ya think too much.... You're taking on the possibilities without knowing exactly what are your chain of thoughts... I personally think you might be more lost than she is?
And not sure if I'm the one mistaken or you...? How comes you seems to be having the thinking that she's going to get married to this guy at 18...? I thought she just mentioned about wanting a serious relationship which can result in a marriage?
There is alot of complication in this matter in fact, I am afriad make any comments- partly she seems naive, partly its too messy, partly because of the possible consequence, partly because no one knows the full matter. Lastly, there are some things that she might not have taken note, ie warning signs or issues that her young experience does not notice. I myself is not street smart but I know who to ask when I encounter issues and learn the lesson. And worse, even if she has some doubts or warning, she has no one but the net to turn to.. it is a bad situation. Why is it impossible to turn to someone - is it because they will tell her to leave him - which is what she didn't want to hear?
One advantage of net advising is that you can remain anonymous if you want to. Another advantage would be that you can avoid peer pressure.
It's like telling your boss that something is not ethical to do, but your boss just heck you and ask you to DO IT ANYWAYS... And that's his 'advice'. Problem with sharing with friends / a friend or some relative (especially someone senior or with authority over you) is that you might often be PESTERED and PRESSURISED... INTO making a decision which is NOT of your own WILL and CHOICE... Sound advices or not... Do you think being forced or pressed into making A CERTAIN DECISION because others want you to would be a GOOD SCENERIO for 'ADVISING'?
Regarding no one to turn to except the net. I think you should also spare her on that one because she already mentioned that she has drifted from her social circle of friends due to her last relationship. Before you wanna complain about how she is not mature and doesn't know how to balance and handle a relationship... I just wanna let you know that I think it's a honest mistake on her part. Often people just make mistakes in their relationship(s)... The way I see it, she's expanding her social circle this time round and LEARNING from it.... Now that's the REAL ISSUE....
If she's really naive like you've said, I think she could have just followed on with that guy without even coming into this forum... And telling her that advices won't work here? Won't you think you might have landed her into a far more dangerous situation if she has decided to give up on asking for advices and is INDEED a NAIVE person like you've suggested?
And personally, I think 'messy' is not a good excuse to keep clear of ADVICES.. Do you know how FAST a person can SINK in a MESS?
Let me put it this way, if missqi (sorry missqi) ask a question like this. Knowing missqi in this forum, I think I feel safer to advice her as she will not blindly follow or blindly love.
I knew a friend once, she was naive. Told her, she should start dating - she needs practice and she needs to widen her circle. She did and you know what, she almost got raped (I never know if it happened) on her first date with a stranger. I knew this friend, It didn't occur to me her lack of street smart is a key thing that she agreed to some strange guy's request to meet in a deserted car park. I do feel guilty for tell her to step out but there is nothing I could do to caution her. I can only caution others, if they are naive in nature, be extra careful. From there on she was spooked, our friendship was broken - Forever I feel guilty about it.
Naive or not, ultimately I think your friend would still needs to have exposure to things one day? What you could have advised her is to be more careful with people and meet ups if she's really not too street smart? Other than that, I think you shouldn't really be blaming too much on yourself too...?
PS. I'm really a very lazy Devil... I'm not replying to your post for much of any purpose for debates or arguements... Moreover that the TS has already made her sound move and be on her way.... But I DO see that you're concerned in helping her out.. Maybe just not in such a 'nice' manner due to your own confined mindset... I seriously hope you would take some time to go through what I've typed and think about things... And lastly to wish that you would be able to CLEAR yourself of the 'mist' and RETURN to ASSIST US BETTER in AA the next time round....? -
Who you refering to...?Originally posted by ha8n:not bad advice ...u think u know someone --think again as guys r also as not
what /how they look
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Originally posted by Devil1976:
thank u so much, u seem to really understand a person's mentality of coming to seek help in a forum. precisely, i can stay annoymous in such a way.
I SENSE and UNDERSTAND your CONCERNs. Don't mind me stating the facts of what I think here... You seems to be more confused than the TS and is probably stuck in a form of mentality within your own... Personally, I don't think it's suitable for you to be advising at this point if you've not clear yourself of your own mental blocks...
I'm sorry for your friend, but let's not equivalate things this way?
Naive or not, ultimately I think your friend would still needs to have exposure to things one day? What you could have advised her is to be more careful with people and meet ups if she's really not too street smart? Other than that, I think you shouldn't really be blaming too much on yourself too...?
[b]PS. I'm really a very lazy Devil... I'm not replying to your post for much of any purpose for debates or arguements... Moreover that the TS has already made her sound move and be on her way.... But I DO see that you're concerned in helping her out.. Maybe just not in such a 'nice' manner due to your own confined mindset... I seriously hope you would take some time to go through what I've typed and think about things... And lastly to wish that you would be able to CLEAR yourself of the 'mist' and RETURN to ASSIST US BETTER in AA the next time round....? [/b]
u are really of a great help, i will keep all that u said in my heart.
once again, thank you. -
I think that post was made to the TS with reference to her bf...Originally posted by Bontakun:Who you refering to...? -
No problem. You're always welcome to come back to AA again when in doubt.Originally posted by silent_lamb:thank u so much, u seem to really understand a person's mentality of coming to seek help in a forum. precisely, i can stay annoymous in such a way.
u are really of a great help, i will keep all that u said in my heart.
once again, thank you. -
Oh...Originally posted by Devil1976:I think that post was made to the TS with reference to her bf...
