Originally posted by Devil1976:
That's why I mentioned you shouldn't apply your own belief into others' needs... Systems and settings... Let alone coming at it with a 'bat'... Whether you've 'flattened' her or not is another issue... The real deal is whether you could have possibly hurt or mislead her...?
Note that I'm not saying you're misleading her. In fact, I agree with you that most of us are likely to be very far from what the truth might hold at this point.. But no. That doesn't mean we cannot advise.. Discourage or give encouragement... (based on evidence we present to our course of belief)
I'm not saying she should follow us on 100% note... Just more opinions to open up her perceptions... And I think she herself already understood this too... She's 18 but not stupid. Based on some of her 'understandings', I can say though she might be confused... It doesn't mean she's not thinking at all... Even anyone WELL ABOVE 18 can be CONFUSED and NOT THINKING... By comparson, I would like to think she's doing not too bad...
SEEMINGLY as it may be... NOT ALL threads with this kinda 'format' comes with the "I already know what I wanna do, I just need people to support my case" mentality.... She's not even in a stable relationship with this guy yet... You think she really think so much 'support' to kick him out of her life... 
'Fallings' of the internet and taking advices from strangers...? And... Just what are 'strangers'...? It almost made me wanna laugh to think that you hear and listen from 'people you know' would means their advices would be more sound..? Better...? 'Fallings'...? Just what kinda 'belief' is this....?
I can agree with you that if she's going to take it with a man with such a form of 'history'... The road probably won't be that easy... But nope, that doesn't mean we can 'naturally guide' her into [b]OUR OWN FORM of BELIEF(S).....[/b]
no one can guide her. I have her well being at heart but many don't see it the same way. Its the nature of this person that made the situation tricky. She is asking people on the net for advice, vs people who might know her a little better - to advice her. There is no truth that either side's advice is any better, but then what do we all know. The key is still back to her, the problem is once again, her nature.
The scary part is where she selectively reads the responses. Say the first 50 tells her to go on with the man and she listens.
The next 50 tells her the man is bad for her and she's only 18 and there is a long road ahead.
Say if she is optimistic, it is natural she will selectively read the first 50 and take the last 50 with a pinch of salt. Say if he turns out to be bad for her, then what. Divorce at 20?
If she is pessimistic, then she might think take the negative message strongly. What if the guy had turn over a new leaf and wanted to find a wife to take care of his child, so is she missing out her chance?
Lastly, it is to weigh the fact that she is going to become someone's wife because she is keen to settle down - so she will choose to see the messages that tells her to trust him. Although we all agree, trust is such a fragile thing. The fact that perhaps she might want to get married to him at 18, take care of his kid. But is she ready to be married and to become a mother - or did she had such a rosy picture that she does not see. At 18, how many of us know marriage is such a tough thing.
There is alot of complication in this matter in fact, I am afriad make any comments- partly she seems naive, partly its too messy, partly because of the possible consequence, partly because no one knows the full matter. Lastly, there are some things that she might not have taken note, ie warning signs or issues that her young experience does not notice. I myself is not street smart but I know who to ask when I encounter issues and learn the lesson. And worse, even if she has some doubts or warning, she has no one but the net to turn to.. it is a bad situation. Why is it impossible to turn to someone - is it because they will tell her to leave him - which is what she didn't want to hear?
Other thing to think about is that if she is, she seems keen to devote her life to this guy and his son. Did she think of her own future? Is there another alternative life that she had not seen?
Another item is that she seems to isolate herself and is secluded from social circles therefore the first guy who comes alone seems a good deal. Perhaps? Does she not have SOS lines to call or elders to call upon? At 18, she cannot get married without parental consent.
Lastly, perhaps I am not one who brims with emotions, nor am I absolutely rational but, at her age, has she not thought of just being friends. Or is she the type to get easily sway by someone who showers a little attention on her? Did she actually think rationally or she didn't have much options or she didn't know better? Perhaps she might just be lucky, but once again its her life and to me, its just too complicated. Any simple advice is not going to cut it. I can only hope she is really that lucky or the guy is really lucky. Divorce is such an ugly thing - emotionally.
Let me put it this way, if missqi (sorry missqi) ask a question like this. Knowing missqi in this forum, I think I feel safer to advice her as she will not blindly follow or blindly love.
I knew a friend once, she was naive. Told her, she should start dating - she needs practice and she needs to widen her circle. She did and you know what, she almost got raped (I never know if it happened) on her first date with a stranger. I knew this friend, It didn't occur to me her lack of street smart is a key thing that she agreed to some strange guy's request to meet in a deserted car park. I do feel guilty for tell her to step out but there is nothing I could do to caution her. I can only caution others, if they are naive in nature, be extra careful. From there on she was spooked, our friendship was broken - Forever I feel guilty about it.