Confused and very troubled
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Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other. -
wake up ur idea leh woman..!!!
how much u reali know tat guy(crush)? or is it ur character to stray for better guys in terms of charm? i feel he is a damn flirt lo... simply cut all ties with him... u dun wan such a gd bf n husband there are plenty of gals who wan... go be a fool so u can be with someone u dun reali know if it reali so interest u... else be a smart gal n go for one who is reali to commit his life to u n not choose one who still has a gf... -
You're obviously in no state to get married as things stand(from your perspective, at least), so I suppose the least you could do is postpone your marriage plans until you've straightened your thoughts?
While I don't think I'm in a position to give you any advice relating to your predicament, I think there're a few things you ought to seriously consider. Afterall, a marriage is for a lifetime.
If you genuinely think your "crush" is "The One"(for whatever reason unbeknown to me), then perhaps it would be worthwhile to give this a shot regardless of the fact he's attached. The point is, if his current relationship was built on a sound foundation and he doesn't have the slightest romantic interest in you, there's no hope of you ever breaking them up. On the other hand, if your conjecture proves right(or at least, you wish that to be true) and the both of you indeed view each other as "The One"(admittedly remote chance of that being the case in a realistic world), then obviously a lifetime of happiness is worth the transient misery you're currently confronted with.
That said, of course this would be a gamble as there's no doubt irreparable and irrevocable damage would be done to your present relationship if you so choose to pursue your unspoken course of action. At the end of the day, it's only you and you alone who will be in any position to weigh up the risk assessment and decide which is the more viable option for you - on one hand(if you stick with your current boyfriend), you could be left wandering "what if" for life; on the other hand(should you break up with your current boyfriend), you might look back in years to come(assuming your relationship with your crush doesn't work out as you fantasise) on passing up a secure future which you're comfortable with...
To be fair, I don't think it's ever easy for anyone to choose between his/her dreams and what needs to be done in reality and while I'm not encouraging/discouraging either course of action, I hope I've at least put things in a sense of perspective for you to better consider what you should do. Last but not least, it'd certainly help if you assessed the whole situation rationally(ie.you should be dead certain it isn't just a mere crush that is giving you serious thoughts about breaking up with someone whom you've spent 10 years with. Then again, neither should you make up your mind and commit a lifetime to your current boyfriend solely on the exclusive premise that you've been with him for 10 years and feel duty-bound to do so) before acting.
Good luck whatever course of action you choose to pursue.
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Hi,
I think you should give yourself more time.
Dont marry first.
Spend more time to calm down your emotions and orient yourself, to know what you really want and whether your BF is really the one you want to marry.
No rush. -
+1Originally posted by BrUtUs:wake up ur idea leh woman..!!!
how much u reali know tat guy(crush)? or is it ur character to stray for better guys in terms of charm? i feel he is a damn flirt lo... simply cut all ties with him... u dun wan such a gd bf n husband there are plenty of gals who wan... go be a fool so u can be with someone u dun reali know if it reali so interest u... else be a smart gal n go for one who is reali to commit his life to u n not choose one who still has a gf...
wake up your idea la.
just stick with your bf. -
If u cant control and straighten ur thoughts and make rational decision out of it, dun commit to anything as yet. You gonna hurt your current bf greatly.
And, + 2 -Wake up ur idea as well.
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Chey!! This kind of woman also have...
go la go la!! go to ur schmate!! there are girls out there who would appreciate your bf even more...
yes tats rite... i think ur bf must find a new gf....and then u will realise and feel jealous and how much really u love him!! -
I don't believe you're prepared for marriage.
Call it off and give yourself some time to sort through your feelings.
It's either your boyfriend or the schoolmate - you can't have it both ways. If you go ahead with this marriage while half your heart is on the schoolmate, then you're seriously going to upset the marriage.
Marriage is not to be taken lightly at all. Is an unrequited crush on someone else who is already attached worth the cost of a happy marriage? If you break up with your fiancee and go for the other guy, would he return your love? Even if he does, you have to realise that you have broken up TWO relationships, not one.
Is that fair to your fiancee who has stuck with you through thick and thin for the past ten years? I'll leave it to you to decide. -
u reap what u sow
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will u fall for someone else again if your schoolfriend and u are going to get married?(if there is a chance) I guess u better postpone your marriage. see how things go first? Maybe u wanna check if your schfriend has the same feeling as u?
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Consider to go for an short holiday with your bf, build up the passion together. Give yourself more time to reconsider this relationship, before you make any irrational or regrettable decision.
Hope your affection for the guy is not because of 10 year itch with your bf. -
Really?Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.
Miss Agonized, this whole post you have been talking about how agonised you are over the fact that this school mate is attached and how you wish to stick to him.
Geez...where's the loyalty you are supposed to honour? I supposed you can't because your bf has been too nice to you and you took him for granted. For 9 years, we don't know what he did that made you lose feelings for him or you did not love him very much to begin with!
My guess is, you have already lost feelings for him since the 9th year and you continue to stick to him even though you have very low feelings, proving the fact that girls stick to guys and marry them even though they have little romantic feelings in their guys. What this means is you should not have started the marriage plans or cancel it or you stay away from your bf.
Your bf is now like a standby. I can tell you one thing: once your school mate calls you, you will certainly jump on him. While your bf calls you, you might think "oh no, not again".
I don't want to see your boyfriend marrying you. I am against people like you because it is disrupting families and causing emotional hurt to people. Tell him the truth. Talk like adults. When you really have no feelings, just leave him and don't stay with him for the sake of staying with him. There is no point if your heart is not with him.
Did you dare tell boyfriend you lost your first love for him? Do you let him understand no matter how nice he tried to be to you, there's no use? That the only person you truly consider to be a boyfriend is that schoolmate who happens to be as good-looking as Jin Cheng Wu?
Luckily for your "boyfriend", he is not married to you yet.
But you stay away from that school mate. He is attached and you don't disrupt his happiness. For all you know, he might also be planning marriage.
This is real sad. Guys are usually the last to know what happened in their relationship. I rather he stay single than be unhappy in this marriage if it ever materialises.
doko -
Girls should invoke women's charter to pay the maintenance fees of the relationship!
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Girls nv know when to draw a line.
For the sake of ur future, stop contact with ur the schoolmate. -
It is very difficult. The feelings are lost. There's no point trying to revive a dead duck.Originally posted by Rustyhong:Girls nv know when to draw a line.
For the sake of ur future, stop contact with ur the schoolmate.
Even if she stops contacting, her heart is still not with the boyfriend. It is gone...
All she ever thinks of is that handsome crush.
doko -
interesting traits.
Good case to discuss. -
Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.
You situation will crash into a dead end, leaving you critically impaired.
Your boyfriend seemed to have mistaken the intent of your confession - he sees it as a signal to propose a marriage, bringing the relationship to the next level when in fact, matrimony is not appropriate at the moment. Because he's almost lost you, he would probably take haste to bind you into a marriage before your love vacillate again.
Yet unknown to him, this man doesn't know that your love for him is fading. His hasty advancement towards marriage is building on the fact that he probably thinks that you still loves him very much, albeit somebody slip into the picture. This is something quite dire and do you even plan to talk to him about this to resolve this conundrum?
I cannot advise you to marry him unless every fragment of your soul is willing to be his wife because as long as you are not emotionally ready, you are risking complication and frustration into your marriage life later on. You are agreeing to his plan of marriage solely out of duty... accounting this one decade of relationship, which amounts to nothing if you do not feel this love inside of you.
One good question: is it really because of this school mate that is causing your feelings to waver or if it because as time goes by, your feelings diminished insofar as somebody could easily slipped into your heart and implant confusion?
There is a distinctive hairline difference between the two because if the answer was the latter, you could jolly well be dissatisfied with this relationship all these while, waiting for somebody suitable to come by before you take that initiative or courage to leap ship. And in this case, the catalysis is your school mate.
In that case, I suggest you speak to your man and hold back all plans first. All plans made in name of marriage must cease until you have decide on some kind of alternatives, which enables you to carry on in this relationship. Be it changes, compromising or whatever - do you even feel enough to believe that this relationship could probably work out because something is lacking and you want to patch up those voids?
Of course, if you opt for the transgressive approach - in attempting to reveal your feelings to your school mate AND see if there is a possibility between you and him - be prepared for heaps of emotional distress and suffering.
It's useless; even if your man give you the moon in the sky if you do not feel like being in this relationship with him or having that wanting to work things out mutually.
Love is freewill - when you remove duty, moral and social bondage incarcerated by our society.
If it was the former, I would say that if you cannot handle the implication of your overwhelming emotions for him while trying to maintain friendship, I suggest you just remove having that contact with him. If you cannot handle fire, you eliminate fire before the flame consumed you totally.
It will grow if you allow yourself the condition to make it grow as maintaining friendship is but a facade.
You have to make critical decision for yourself and not fly on auto-pilot on this because if you do not take drastic measure, you will crash into a dead end. And it will definitely happen, if you do not take heed and jammed those breaks before you retrace a route.
Drastic measure must be back-up by concrete reason. Should you decide on any decision, make sure you believe in the decision you have chosen.
Cheers -
I hope the boyfriend read the sg forums.
So that he can call off the marriage and the flat buying.
Or else he will get a additional gift after his marriage - a Green Hat. -
Address the problem head on.
It's going to be a real test of love here from both guys! Who's going to love you even when you tell them your true feelings. It's something you must do
or else you'll regret for the rest of your life. And it's something if you do , you may regret for the rest of your life.
You have to find out quick whether your schoolmate has a deep crush for you as you have for him. If he has and professes loving you very much, be together. If not and he loves her gf more, then cry, get over him and move on with your bf.
As to whether you want to reveal your secret feelings for your schoolmate to your bf, it's up to you but it would be a test of his love for you. It could hurt him badly or it could make his/your love for each other stronger than before.
If I were you, I would put both to the test because real love is what i would really want to be with someone forever. -
I agree. Take this adviceOriginally posted by Meat Pao:Hi,
I think you should give yourself more time.
Dont marry first.
Spend more time to calm down your emotions and orient yourself, to know what you really want and whether your BF is really the one you want to marry.
No rush. -
Your boyfriend would be the one more troubled and confused if he reads this thread.
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X2 Think properly before acting. Consider between 9years of r/s or >1year of inflactuation.Originally posted by littlefishtan!:I agree. Take this advice -
why do you even accept the proposal when u are unsure
marry only when u are sure
but it seems like you are very unsure but your bf is very sure that he love you
better stop the plans now before it is too late -
u will regret. trust me. break off any contacts wif ur 'fren' soon everything will go back to normal.
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which school u from never teach u use paragraphs!!!!Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.