Confused and very troubled
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If you think you can't handle it, why don't you just break off as much communication as possible with that school mate of yours?Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.
At the same moment, I think it's seriously time for you to review your relationship with your bf. Have both of you ROMed btw?
Or is it a time for you to review your life? What you want in life? -
The best advice to you
Be fair to your boyfriend , tell him you are not prepared for a marriage .
Be fair to yourself too , you dun have to stop contacting with your schoolmate , you have a choice to choose
Love is not about 1 year or 9 year ,
Its the feeling that counts -
Originally posted by Agonized:
i can only say u're courting for trouble...
[b]Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. . Well, I thought it was a mere crush../b]
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bwt they dun teach paragraphing in sch anymore... ? veri tedious to read like tat
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Don't take things for granted. Once you lose him, you will never be able to replace the regrets in your heart. Since you know you can't resist and fight the urge of your 'scandal', the more you should distant yourself so as to save yourself and your bf. That is if you want to salvage your current relationship. 10yrs is long and it is understandable that the feeling of first love may not be there anymore but think about the memories you had together. Think about the sacrifices he had made, you had made, the promises you made, the times both of you had together. All these are irreplaceable.
Love is something that is never over night. Love at first sight? Not love at all. It only builds up over time. If you can't be professional about your friendship with your 'scandal' then its best to distant away. If you don't want, then break up with your current bf and go after this new guy. And pray that after 10 yrs with this guy, you have no regrets about your decision 10 years ago and you are still deeply in love with this new guy. -
Relationship is all about gamble. Either win or lose. Be Rational not emtional. Don t always let your emtional ruin your happiness.
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Dun do sth u'll regret. Think it thru. Even if your classmate has a crush on u it wun last, your bf's commitment to u does... Think abt it...
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yo gal, how old are u??? I think that this kind of things really need to think as you are spending ur whole lifetime with the man u going to marry.
R u marrying him because of the quality and the years u spend with him. Marriage itself is build on what you want in to..
Cool down and had the disscusion with the guy u are marrying and try to see whether there is an possibility with the another man. Then give urself a period of cooling time to make a decision.
The longer u delay, the more painful it get and the feeling is not good too. Solve it quick. Although when it can to feeling, it is hard to decide. -
would u want to give up your 10 years relationship just for a 1 year crush?
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I would not rush into marriage if I felt that way , so what if it is 10 years courtship and he is a nice guy? He might not be the RIGHT guy . Yah some will say it is bad but it is your future. If you cannot see your current bf as someone you can stay with for a whole lifetime , I suggest you tell him to wait . He might be the RIGHT guy but it may not be the RIGHT time.
Don't rush into marriage now - like someone said be fair to him and be fair to yourself -rather than to deal with a divorce later on in time -
Where did the TS go? After posting never reply liaoz...
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how does that guy treat his gf? if he luvs her alot, forget it.......
if he doesn't...n tt's y u r given the opportunity to be near him n cultivate those feelings for him.......then i feel u might juz ask him abt this.....
rather ask now...then end up divorced....only to be with that guy later.... -
In agony liao, no need para.Originally posted by sir_boris:which school u from never teach u use paragraphs!!!! -
Why TS always never reply?
Forget about the schoolmate.. stick with the one you know for long and planning to marry.. forget the guy. Find the romance with yr fiancee again. -
Because got gals like you.. all the good guys suffer.. in the end, who makes them got hurt deeply.. Pls wake up your idea...
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Yea lor. So immature of you to actually got a crush on someone but you're already gonna get married. Really, go bang the wall.
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Think carefully, lady.
The law of cause and effect apply. Otherwise known as the Butterfly Effect.
If you break up with your boyfriend and hope that the crush goes steady with you, you are causing an upset to both parties as well as the parents of both sides. There is a kind of chain effect.
doko -
It's not wrong to fall out of love with someone. The mistake is in leading a guy on. If you don't love him anymore just break up, it's a bigger evil to hoodwink him into marriage.
You should also consider your existing relationship and your fondness for your classmate as two seperate issues. -
Seriously, u have let your soon-to-be husband down. By emotionally thinking of another guy, u have been unfaithful to him. And remember, the other guy has a gf liao. Don't let this turn out to be a tragedy for the four of u.
Go and think carefully. If you still think u like the other guy, then pls let go of ur current bf. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. -
Dear Agonized,
You keep just saying how much you love your classmate !!!
Think the question here is what is your classmate feeling for you ? buddy , friend or love ?
I think you better to break up with your bf. Think he deserve someone better than a confuse woman like you ....... as even if force yourself to stay with him, soon or later with you will still want to find someone else.
Guess that is your life, you have your own dreams ....... so don't drag your poor bf into it, because in the end with most dreamers ........their sweet dreams end as nighmare. -
I don't think anyone has a right to judge her. Emotions cannot be controlled . If we all could chose who we love or like , then there are no such things as divorce or heartbreaks.Originally posted by thelesis:Because got gals like you.. all the good guys suffer.. in the end, who makes them got hurt deeply.. Pls wake up your idea...
I am just assuming here - she said 10 years . Well I doubt she is 40 ...who knows how old she was when she started going out with one guy? If she had restricted herself to one guy all the time since perhaps her teenage years , I think that is admirable but extremely unhealthy in terms of maturing and getting to know other people .
Do you really want her to get married and regret not seeing the world ? Regret is the precursor to resentment ....and resentment builds in relationships to destroy them . Better to have a look around and then decide maybe the first guy she is with is the best for her ...rather than to wonder what it might have been and then resenting her husband after she marries and ending up in some bitter twisted Divorce and hurting others ( maybe her own future kids) .
Wake up . This is not a session of judgement - she is in a dilemma and laying out her problems for the world to give an opinion on . Just show her abit of respect will ya? -
Totally agree !! If emotions can be control then the world will not be what it is now. Please put ourselves in her shoes before we start to judge her. Who are we to say what is right or what is wrong ?? No one is perfect .........Originally posted by fymk:I don't think anyone has a right to judge her. Emotions cannot be controlled . If we all could chose who we love or like , then there are no such things as divorce or heartbreaks.
I am just assuming here - she said 10 years . Well I doubt she is 40 ...who knows how old she was when she started going out with one guy? If she had restricted herself to one guy all the time since perhaps her teenage years , I think that is admirable but extremely unhealthy in terms of maturing and getting to know other people .
Do you really want her to get married and regret not seeing the world ? Regret is the precursor to resentment ....and resentment builds in relationships to destroy them . Better to have a look around and then decide maybe the first guy she is with is the best for her ...rather than to wonder what it might have been and then resenting her husband after she marries and ending up in some bitter twisted Divorce and hurting others ( maybe her own future kids) .
Wake up . This is not a session of judgement - she is in a dilemma and laying out her problems for the world to give an opinion on . Just show her abit of respect will ya? -
well said. i totally agreed. affairs of the heart are very often not able to be judged by outsiders and not many times, not within one's control. i mean, we can control our actions, but we cant control our feelings, isn't it?Originally posted by fymk:I don't think anyone has a right to judge her. Emotions cannot be controlled . If we all could chose who we love or like , then there are no such things as divorce or heartbreaks.
I am just assuming here - she said 10 years . Well I doubt she is 40 ...who knows how old she was when she started going out with one guy? If she had restricted herself to one guy all the time since perhaps her teenage years , I think that is admirable but extremely unhealthy in terms of maturing and getting to know other people .
Do you really want her to get married and regret not seeing the world ? Regret is the precursor to resentment ....and resentment builds in relationships to destroy them . Better to have a look around and then decide maybe the first guy she is with is the best for her ...rather than to wonder what it might have been and then resenting her husband after she marries and ending up in some bitter twisted Divorce and hurting others ( maybe her own future kids) .
Wake up . This is not a session of judgement - she is in a dilemma and laying out her problems for the world to give an opinion on . Just show her abit of respect will ya?
she has yet to do anything 'wrong' to her bf yet, as in she has yet to progress with the guy... at least she's feeling guilty, letting down her bf instead of pretending nothing happened.
she herself isn't feeling good abt the whole issue, and thus came here to seek advise.. i guess we shouldn't jump into the gun and judge her with it.. -
Basically in a male point of view, D T.S just wanna F*ck around some more & dun wish to be tied down to one partner!
In that case, shld not marry or else kena tie down by lots of things.
If unmarried, can have as many sex partners as U 1 w/o D need 2 ans anyone.
IT's O.k, just tell yr fiancee dat "U R not ready yet" reasons -
It is she who have to wake up FYMK .Originally posted by fymk:I don't think anyone has a right to judge her. Emotions cannot be controlled . If we all could chose who we love or like , then there are no such things as divorce or heartbreaks.
I am just assuming here - she said 10 years . Well I doubt she is 40 ...who knows how old she was when she started going out with one guy? If she had restricted herself to one guy all the time since perhaps her teenage years , I think that is admirable but extremely unhealthy in terms of maturing and getting to know other people .
Do you really want her to get married and regret not seeing the world ? Regret is the precursor to resentment ....and resentment builds in relationships to destroy them . Better to have a look around and then decide maybe the first guy she is with is the best for her ...rather than to wonder what it might have been and then resenting her husband after she marries and ending up in some bitter twisted Divorce and hurting others ( maybe her own future kids) .
Wake up . This is not a session of judgement - she is in a dilemma and laying out her problems for the world to give an opinion on . Just show her abit of respect will ya?
Like she say she have a crush = an intense but usually short-lived infatuation ( as from dictionary ).
Oh yes she is a mountain tortse that need to see the world so she can have more choice !!! The question is will the mountain still be there the same to welcome her after she left ? The way you put it is she should go out shopping, is it fair to expect the bf to be on the shelf to wait for her ?
No we do not want her to get married and regert. Like I say, she should let him go and see the world .... he should have a lot more choice ...better choices ... !!!