Confused and very troubled
-
You are right.Originally posted by fymk:I don't think anyone has a right to judge her. Emotions cannot be controlled . If we all could chose who we love or like , then there are no such things as divorce or heartbreaks.
I am just assuming here - she said 10 years . Well I doubt she is 40 ...who knows how old she was when she started going out with one guy? If she had restricted herself to one guy all the time since perhaps her teenage years , I think that is admirable but extremely unhealthy in terms of maturing and getting to know other people .
Do you really want her to get married and regret not seeing the world ? Regret is the precursor to resentment ....and resentment builds in relationships to destroy them . Better to have a look around and then decide maybe the first guy she is with is the best for her ...rather than to wonder what it might have been and then resenting her husband after she marries and ending up in some bitter twisted Divorce and hurting others ( maybe her own future kids) .
Wake up . This is not a session of judgement - she is in a dilemma and laying out her problems for the world to give an opinion on . Just show her abit of respect will ya?
We do not have the right to judge her. We can't really blame her.
We can only blame on her low feelings towards the boyfriend. We can only blame her actions for still carrying on her relationship with the boyfriend even though she has lost her love for him. We can only blame her stupid mistakes for starting and continuing communication with the guy even though she is attached. Talk about commitment in a relationship!
We can only blame the boyfriend for being too nice thus she is bored of him. We can only blame the boyfriend for proposing to her. We can only blame the boyfriend for being the standby guy/husband/mate. We can only blame the boyfriend for being too boring. We can only blame the boyfriend for not being sharp enough to detect that her feelings is going down the drain.
Relax, people.
So you see, we cannot really blame her.
doko -
My advice stay single, seen so many cases like yours hoping and wishing that getting marry will solve the problem but in fact it only make it worst.Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.
10 years is a long road is not simple for many of us to even reach this stage.
You know that in your heart you love someone else not your bf anymore.
Are you worried that if you dump your bf you will not find some better than him? I pity your bf, he has done his very best for the sake of both of you but is your choice to leave him.
Let him go, at least give him a chance to find someone who truly love him from the bottom of her heart.
Thats the last gift you can give him. -
follow your heart. good luck.
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Dont get rush into a lifelong commitment even if it means selfishness for another.. it's juz temporary.. firm up ur heart first
-
I think let's not get sarcastic.
10 yrs r/s.. might have become stagnant also.. how many of you can guarantee that u will love a person for 10 yrs and longer?
But to threadstarter, does that friend know ur feelings for him?
If it's one sided, then I think u should really give up.
Even if it's mutual, you also have to consider carefully, things will get very complicated and ugly if u two are going to be together.
Dun deceive ur fiance, and dun deceive yourself.
If u find that u dun love him anymore, and he's not the one that u wana spend the rest of ur life with, then dun marry him juz bcos u accepted the proposal. Be fair to him. But also cut the hurt to the minimum.
My advice for u is, dun try to hold on to two things at one time, u might end up losing both. -
What happened if now you'll to break up with your current 10yrs of relationship with your bf and "heng heng" you'll to be togather with this schoolmate of yours, after 10yrs, you "suay suay" or "heng heng" again saw this ex-bf of yours(10yrs ago bf), will you be having thi thought again?Originally posted by Agonized:Hi, I really need help on this as I have no one to turn to.
My boyfriend and I have been in courtship for 10 years. We have already made plans to get married next year. Sad to say, last year, I began to have a crush for a school mate. Well, I thought it was a mere crush. It began to develop until we're really quite good buddies. Of course, deep down inside I have a strong and deep liking and you may call it, love or concern, for him and his well-being and everything about him. Well, I confessed to my bf last yr and he was very nice about it. He booked a wedding package to show me his sincerity in loving me. But apparently it din work. And my strong feeling for my schoolmate still remained. And my bf even proposed to me this year when I felt the most insecure about the relationship. But I felt very guilty that I liked someone above him, so I wanted to do what I thought was right, which was to be faithful to such a good bf. So I accepted the proposal. Of course, very soon, I got back those strong feelings for my school friend. And me and my bf almost broke up. But we made up and I was really determined to forget this guy. But yet I wanted to keep the good friendship we've built up. The irony is that the more we build up the friendship, the more I liked him and the less I loved my bf. Now me and my bf are even planning to buy a flat! I mean things are happening way too fast and I just don't want to hurt my bf again. He's really a very good guy. Everybody loves him. And they say i'm a fool if I dun marry him. I know he's a good guy but I've just kind of lost my first love for him. In fact I feel very very happy with this school friend. The more complex thing is, this schoolfriend himself is attached. And I hate to destroy ppl's relationship. But I really like him, though I dunno if he likes me in that sense anot. I know you guys may feel very disgusted reading this. I am disgusted with myself too. I just dunno how to get a hold of myself. And I've reached this stage that I dun even know if I should carry on with my wedding plans or should I remain single and hope that a miracle happens between me and my schoolfriend, meaning he'll like me as well and we'll both be in a available situation for each other.
Just do what you feel it's best for you and no regrets after your decision. -
Especially to people who share the general view of Yunhaier,fymk,mix metal etc...
Goodness....this world is worth living in because there're still people treating others decently. Now that we're talking abt love, why dun you look to the wiser old couples who still have a strong marriage and hear their words of wisdom? Most will tell you that love is ultimately more commitment than natural feelings.
When you first choose a partner amongst singles, you should choose someone compatible, with whom there is mutual natural attraction. That IS the time to choose. And at this point, feelings do play a significant role, since you have to decide amongst a few compatible ones. But the longer you are in an r/s, the more commitment and responsibility plays a role (9yrs!!!!).
We realise nature gives us a desire for sex, but our human dignity compels us to share it only with our spouse. It is people who lack commitment but follow their feelings blindly that are responsible for the divorce and heartache in society.
I feel posters who urge the TS to "follow her feelings" AND at the same time feel that outsiders cannot judge her according to a common sense interpretation of her tale are utterly wrong.
(A) She should either come to her senses and repent of her action and what she has become, and learn to love her bf again.
or
(B) refuse to change herself and break up wif bf in the least painful way to him. That would be to admit that she is totally in the wrong and she is not worthy of his love at all. (WHICH IS THE TRUTH) and of cos find out later on that without commitment, there is no everlasting marital happiness. -
HAHAHHA... well she can only blame herself if her choice is wrong. But maybe you didn't read it my way - 10 years ? I question if she has been stuck to the same guy since teenage life . Ultimately it is her choice. No one has the right to judge her.Originally posted by dokono:You are right.
We do not have the right to judge her. We can't really blame her.
We can only blame on her low feelings towards the boyfriend. We can only blame her actions for still carrying on her relationship with the boyfriend even though she has lost her love for him. We can only blame her stupid mistakes for starting and continuing communication with the guy even though she is attached. Talk about commitment in a relationship!
We can only blame the boyfriend for being too nice thus she is bored of him. We can only blame the boyfriend for proposing to her. We can only blame the boyfriend for being the standby guy/husband/mate. We can only blame the boyfriend for being too boring. We can only blame the boyfriend for not being sharp enough to detect that her feelings is going down the drain.
Relax, people.
So you see, we cannot really blame her.
doko
Her boyfriend may be a decent nice guy but still might not the right guy for her . Do you truly want to coerce this girl into a relationship she is not sure of?
The way I see it : she has to be fair to him by finding out who she likes and who she can love for a lifetime rather than pull him into a great big emotional mess of hers because he was "so decent and nice and offered to marry her" ...and then end up in a messy divorce a couple of years later especially if kids get involved. The end does not justify the mean .... so think about it . -
Like my parents say ( and my parents are happily married still) , make sure you can spend your life with the guy . If you cannot see it , don't marry him even though he maybe a nice fella.Originally posted by gartheven2000:Especially to people who share the general view of Yunhaier,fymk,mix metal etc...
Goodness....this world is worth living in because there're still people treating others decently. Now that we're talking abt love, why dun you look to the wiser old couples who still have a strong marriage and hear their words of wisdom? Most will tell you that love is ultimately more commitment than natural feelings.
When you first choose a partner amongst singles, you should choose someone compatible, with whom there is mutual natural attraction. That IS the time to choose. And at this point, feelings do play a significant role, since you have to decide amongst a few compatible ones. But the longer you are in an r/s, the more commitment and responsibility plays a role (9yrs!!!!).
We realise nature gives us a desire for sex, but our human dignity compels us to share it only with our spouse. It is people who lack commitment but follow their feelings blindly that are responsible for the divorce and heartache in society.
I feel posters who urge the TS to "follow her feelings" AND at the same time feel that outsiders cannot judge her according to a common sense interpretation of her tale are utterly wrong.
(A) She should either come to her senses and repent of her action and what she has become, and learn to love her bf again.
or
(B) refuse to change herself and break up wif bf in the least painful way to him. That would be to admit that she is totally in the wrong and she is not worthy of his love at all. (WHICH IS THE TRUTH) and of cos find out later on that without commitment, there is no everlasting marital happiness.
I think she is having either cold feet or she is very unsure , either way - she has to make her own choice . Sometimes the truth can be cruel to the other party - but it may be kinder in the end. -
this girl doesnt knows what LOVE really mean.
forget about liking another guy okay.
SERIOUSLY, TO ALL THE READER.. I THOUGHT THAT THE GUY CHEATED ON HER WHEN SHE MENTIONED THE 2 OF THEM LASTED 10YEARS AND SO ON.. BUT..
SHIIIETTT.
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I can understand the boyfriend was being faithful to her and trying to commit to the relationship by proposing to her after she broke the bad news to him. After all, he thought "oh marriage would solve everything." Really? What a huge mistake! Honestly, at that moment the boyfriend should have just taken a break from her. But he can't, because like all mad puppies in love, he continued to dig in, which is understandable.Originally posted by fymk:HAHAHHA... well she can only blame herself if her choice is wrong. But maybe you didn't read it my way - 10 years ? I question if she has been stuck to the same guy since teenage life . Ultimately it is her choice. No one has the right to judge her.
Her boyfriend may be a decent nice guy but still might not the right guy for her . Do you truly want to coerce this girl into a relationship she is not sure of?
The way I see it : she has to be fair to him by finding out who she likes and who she can love for a lifetime rather than pull him into a great big emotional mess of hers because he was "so decent and nice and offered to marry her" ...and then end up in a messy divorce a couple of years later especially if kids get involved. The end does not justify the mean .... so think about it .
What she should have done is really initiate a period of separation from the boyfriend and think for herself who she really wants. Instead, she went the opposite way and initiated contact with the crush. I thought she wanted to really forget the guy? She really has no determination or self-discipline. She gave herself the excuse of wanting to be friends. You can't. It is because she has lost her love after 9 years or earlier and someone came along, replacing the boyfriend, which means it is the boyfriend's fault for not being nice enough? for being p-whipped? And she is not satisfied with the relationship already. It did not just happen overnight. It took a lot of years to lose the love and the boyfriend is well, now, just a friend.
And there is no way of recovering lost love. She has to be partly blamed for this mess because she leads the guy on even though she is feeling guilty. She is marrying the guy because she is feeling guilty, not because she loves him! It is a crime for deceiveing someone. What do they say on wedding vows? On the other hand, to be fair, the guy made mistakes by trying too hard to please her. In my book, she is out of my door already, not to mention marrying and buying her a mansion?
In other words, if she doesn't love him, she should not have continued the relationship. Being nice to the guy because you are guilty will not make you or the guy feel happy.
doko -
I understand what you are trying to say, but as I say the TS is here for advise so lets stick to giving her that and leave out all the harsh remarks about the things she has done ...... She knows that what she has done is hurtful to her current boyfriend like what most of you have said..... But who are we to tell her what to do or what is the right thing to do ?? We have no right to that, its her life and she should be the one to make that choice ...... so if we can't provide her with good advise lets not say anything .........Originally posted by gartheven2000:Especially to people who share the general view of Yunhaier,fymk,mix metal etc...
Goodness....this world is worth living in because there're still people treating others decently. Now that we're talking abt love, why dun you look to the wiser old couples who still have a strong marriage and hear their words of wisdom? Most will tell you that love is ultimately more commitment than natural feelings.
When you first choose a partner amongst singles, you should choose someone compatible, with whom there is mutual natural attraction. That IS the time to choose. And at this point, feelings do play a significant role, since you have to decide amongst a few compatible ones. But the longer you are in an r/s, the more commitment and responsibility plays a role (9yrs!!!!).
We realise nature gives us a desire for sex, but our human dignity compels us to share it only with our spouse. It is people who lack commitment but follow their feelings blindly that are responsible for the divorce and heartache in society.
I feel posters who urge the TS to "follow her feelings" AND at the same time feel that outsiders cannot judge her according to a common sense interpretation of her tale are utterly wrong.
(A) She should either come to her senses and repent of her action and what she has become, and learn to love her bf again.
or
(B) refuse to change herself and break up wif bf in the least painful way to him. That would be to admit that she is totally in the wrong and she is not worthy of his love at all. (WHICH IS THE TRUTH) and of cos find out later on that without commitment, there is no everlasting marital happiness. -
Pls la... is easy to say but what happens if she is your girlfriend ??? Can see that his boyfriend is the one who suffer the most in the end. If she cannot accept comments, Dun post this topic la... If you leave your boyfriend because he is unfaithful to you, I think you should leave him but you doing something unfaithful behind his back.. Somemore so many years of relationship and yet you still can fall in love with other guy.. So I asked you to wake up yr idea, is it the right way????
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There is a saying, it is easier for us to criticize than for us to empathize.Originally posted by thelesis:Pls la... is easy to say but what happens if she is your girlfriend ??? Can see that his boyfriend is the one who suffer the most in the end. If she cannot accept comments, Dun post this topic la... If you leave your boyfriend because he is unfaithful to you, I think you should leave him but you doing something unfaithful behind his back.. Somemore so many years of relationship and yet you still can fall in love with other guy.. So I asked you to wake up yr idea, is it the right way????
Doesn't mean that when 2 person is together for so long means that they will get married ....... Its is true that her developing feelings for her classmate is wrong when she is still with this boyfriend but at least she has told her boyfriend about it ......... I think the only thing that she should not have done is to accept her boyfriends proposal before she sort out her feelings for both guys invloved ...... -
Anyway l tink that u shld be fair to ur current bf lo..If he really treat u well...decent to u...y not continue be with him?
To me la...in my own opinions..if ur bf is really trying hard and putting in efforts for u...u shld choose him lo...sumone that loved u so much..imagine the hurt u are inflictng him...if he noe abt ur feelings has changed...do u understand such pains...Summore u choose to be with him in the 1st place...and l tink that if he has done nthing wrong to u...u shld be loyal
Is like...u put urself into a scenario like ur bf...u put in efforts...treat ur bf very well..loved him..and in the end..his feelings for u faded...how will u feel? the feeling is really devasting and bad lor...
And oso tink of this..ur parents dun like u...can they juz abandon u? They dun like u...but they oso hav the responsibility to bring u up mah...
Nowadays l must say that loyalty is really fading..dun u all agree?
Think of the efforts and hard work ur bf put in!!!
Some forumities here are saying that if ur feelings fade or wad...u can reject him...but do u tink it is correct? Is it a moral act? -
people got gf liao and you have your own bf so...treasure you bf lah...it might just be wishful thinking on your part...
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I don't want to condemn you on anything, as you already know it urself.
Just be clear, TOTALLY cut off the friendship and communication with this guy and building new interest/hobby with ur bf.
Treasure what you have, appreciate his forgiving heart. Don't wait until one day u cross the boundaries, then you will regret. A relationship cannot be mend for betrayal, you are nearer to that. you should know what you should do!
I hope below article can let you understand and wake up. Sincerely bless you and your bf love without scar... The most perfect love is, wake up and realize and make your current love more perfect...
Those who are still single may learn something from here....
Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage....
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said,
"It depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are
good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with
your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a
completely natural and spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...
Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the
imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing
there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the
natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when
it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you
think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between
the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry
the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with
someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their
spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is
the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage.
It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a
few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE
RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER
just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it
takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific
things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there
are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise
program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your
relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling. -
+1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111Originally posted by vivasg:I don't want to condemn you on anything, as you already know it urself.
Just be clear, TOTALLY cut off the friendship and communication with this guy and building new interest/hobby with ur bf.
Treasure what you have, appreciate his forgiving heart. Don't wait until one day u cross the boundaries, then you will regret. A relationship cannot be mend for betrayal, you are nearer to that. you should know what you should do!
I hope below article can let you understand and wake up. Sincerely bless you and your bf love without scar... The most perfect love is, wake up and realize and make your current love more perfect...
Those who are still single may learn something from here....
Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage....
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said,
"It depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are
good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with
your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a
completely natural and spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...
Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the
imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing
there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the
natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when
it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you
think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between
the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry
the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with
someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their
spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is
the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage.
It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a
few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE
RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER
just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it
takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific
things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there
are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise
program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your
relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling. -
Gals like u give me hope...cause all the gals i like are attached also. bloody hell @#$!